The last election was so much fun that I thought it was time for another one. This time, we’ll be voting on the “Hypocrite of the Year” award. There are 5 worthy nominees, so pick up your ballots and put on your hip-waders.
Nominee 1 – Serena Williams, for criticizing McEnroe for suggesting that she couldn’t beat top male tennis players, four years after she admitted in a Letterman interview that she would be destroyed by a top male tennis player. (I wrote about this one in my last CO column.) Serena gets a hypocrisy two-fer: She implies that she could defeat the best male players while having already admitted that that’s not the case, AND she pleads for privacy during her pregnancy while also doing a nude Vanity Fair cover photo in what appears to be her 14th gestational month. (I might be speaking only for myself, but the last time I was trying to keep a low profile in my town, I arranged to have a nude photo of myself – holding the strategically placed trophy I won in Men’s Singles at Wimbledon in ’92 – on the front page of our local paper. Now I feel like all of the women at the grocery store are undressing me with their eyes. Needless to say, I’m horribly offended. Won’t anyone please just give me my privacy?! And my eyes are up here, thank you very much. And yes, I have been working out lately. Why do you ask?)
Nominee 2 – This nominee is a horrible mother. And before you can guess, no, it’s not Hillary Clinton. (Though don’t get me wrong, she was a horrible mother, who enabled her creepy husband to victimize many people, and helped to create what appears to have been a miserable childhood for her daughter, who is now showing signs of the damage, in the sense that she seems to have become a bit of a creep herself.)
No, this mother is 30-year-old Floridian Colleen Walker, who left her 5-year-old son in a hot car for 30 minutes while she shopped in a Dollar General. And I know what you’re thinking:
1.None of these geniuses who leave their kids or pets to broil in their cars are ever parked in front of a church, or a library, or an opera house or an art museum. It’s always a strip club, or pawn shop, or a Dollar General.
2.What could possibly take 30 minutes to find in a Dollar General? Did she get distracted while comparison shopping among several varieties of off-brand shampoo, expired medicine, and “beef” jerky (small print: “Contains no actual beef.”)?
Fortunately an alert bystander – and we really should be posting alert bystanders outside Dollar Generals for just this very purpose – noticed the 5-year-old crying, and police and firefighters intervened and got the kid out. The temperature inside the car when they did so was 107 degrees Fahrenheit. (That’s 210 Celsius, or the square root of 14 Kelvin for all I know, in case you’re a self-loathing metric-system-using Canadian or something.)
Anyway, the kid’s okay, and mom gets to take a ride in the back of a cop car. On her way to the jail, she complains to the officer because …
Wait for it…
IT’S TOO HOT IN THE COP CAR!
If I were that cop, I’d make sure that my seat belt was on, and that her seat belt wasn’t, and then I’d drive into a cinderblock wall at 80 miles an hour. Then, when I pulled her out of the car to see if she was okay, I would bounce her face against the hot concrete repeatedly, while whispering into her ear, “How’s the temperature of this concrete? Just about right?”
And that’s why I washed out of the police academy in my first week.
(It had nothing at all to do with my nude photo on the cover of the Police Gazette, which accompanied my editorial protesting how little respect is given to the privacy of police cadets. Those rumors are very hurtful. And I’m super offended.)
Nominee 3 – National Democrat leaders, for whining that the GOP healthcare plan is being written behind closed doors, without any of the transparency and openness that they hold sacred.
You read that right, and once again I know what you’re thinking: It seems like only a few short years ago those same Dems marched through an elaborate series of Maxwell Smart-style doors into a secret chamber carved deep into a mountain, sequestered themselves there for months, only to emerge and begin bribing every senator in sight, from Louisiana to Nebraska. Then they showed us the cover of a 2000+ page bill and scheduled a Senate vote on it for Christmas eve. (I’m not making that up. They voted to destroy 1/6 of our economy. On. Christmas. Eve.)
Sure, they left about 4 hours for debate. During which they filled the air of the capitol with a heavy, malodorous fog of lies and obfuscation, and then hammered down a few pitiful GOP objections. And San Fran Nan said that we could learn what was in the bill AFTER it was passed.
At least I think that’s what she said. After that much Botox, she always looks like the Tin Man to me, speaking through one pinched corner of her mouth. She could have said, “Oil can,” for all I know.
But whatever she said, it came just before they rammed through the hilariously mis-named, “Affordable Care Act.” (Do you remember the old joke about the Holy Roman Empire – it was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire? Well the ACA was not affordable, and it prevented people from getting any care. But it was all an act, so I guess one out of three isn’t bad.)
And now those same Democrats are offended because the GOP’s attempt to replace the “Dumpster-Fire Train-Wreck Hindenberg New Coke Edsel Peace-in-our-Time Act” (Obamacare, for short) is NOT transparent enough.
Nominee 4 – Media goofs at CNN (new slogan: “Where weapons-grade ignorance meets bone-deep dishonesty!”) claimed that Trump re-tweeting the wrestling meme video is going to get journalists killed! Killed, I tell’s ya!!!
And you know, they’ve got a point. Because just last month a right-winger inspired by Trump went to a DC baseball field, and asked if the journalists playing there worked for CNN. When told that they did, he opened fire with a rifle, nearly killing—
Wait. What’s that you say? That wasn’t a right-winger Trump supporter, but a left-winger Bernie supporter? And he didn’t target a bunch of CNN journalists, but a bunch of GOP lawmakers? Huh.
Nominee 5 – GOP knuckleheads who promised for years to repeal and replace disastrous Obamacare, but have proven themselves to be barely more honest and transparent than the Democrats. (That’s the worst insult I could think of, without using the kind of vulgarity that will arouse the FB censors.) “But we need the House,” they said – so they got the house. “But we need the Senate,” they said – and they got the Senate. “But we need the White House,” they said.
Now they have all three, and they punt. Bah!
Please register your votes now.
My choice, if it won’t taint the judging, goes to the GOP, for several reasons:
- Serena is a dope who doesn’t ultimately matter to the nation. Plus, she’s about to give birth to what appears to be octuplets, so she gets some sympathy from me.
- Creepy mom is an evil dope who matters even less than Serena. (Though her child should be taken from her and given to a loving family to raise. Or even an apathetic family. Or, if none of those are available, a family of raccoons. Or even a single-mother raccoon, if she’s got her GED and is trying to get her act together.)
- & 4. The media and the Dems (but I repeat myself) are 50 shades of awful, but we expect no better. After years of (insert your own examples here) — Clinton preaching feminism while he chased women around every desk he’s ever had, Obama promising the most transparent administration in history and then fighting off every FOIA request with both hands and a broadsword, Bernie criticizing the rich while buying 3 houses – we know that they are hypocrites. Giving them a hypocrisy award would be like giving a life-long Spanish speaker an “A” for minimal competence in a first-year Spanish class.
But the GOP should know better, and their appalling lack of adherence to what they’ve called their bedrock principles is doubly galling. As a conservative who is registered as a Republican only because there is no viable Conservative party, I want to support Republicans whenever I can.
But these idiots seem determined to screw this up. So, sadly, they are my Hypocrites of the Year.