Month: November 2018

When I discussed the midterm results, I was partly too optimistic – I didn’t think there was a chance that extremists like Sinema in AZ (love the nerd glasses, though) or Abrams in GA would ultimately prevail.  I also forgot the adage that the past 20 years of elections should have taught all of us:  we’ve got to win by so much that the left can’t cheat and steal an election.

Mea culpa.  This is where I have to acknowledge and wrestle with my own bias.  I’ve always felt like there is good and bad in all of us, and that no one party has a lock on virtue, and that it’s a bad sign when you start to think that all of the bad actors are on the other side.

On the other hand, look at the last 20 years!  I’d have to have a gold medal in Greco-Roman bias wrestling to be able to escape the conclusion that the sleaziness on the left outweighs that on the right by about 10-to-1.

Consider a few examples:

Yes, the right obviously has some sleazy characters.  We’ve had our share of pols chasing interns around tables and taking political payoffs through the years.  That toe-tapping congressman prowling the bathrooms of DC was a creep, Dennis Hastert was a pedophilic, abusing super-creep, and Roy Moore was… Roy Moore.

But have you noticed how we treat the creeps among us?  In the vast majority of cases, we throw them out.  Nobody knew about Hastert’s sordid past when he was in office, and no one defended him when it came out and he went – rightly! – to jail.  When his proposed successor turned out to have a mistress, his candidacy for House speaker failed.  And a deeply red district elected a Democrat rather than support Roy Moore.

Have you noticed that Dems don’t police their side that way?  Menendez in NJ is a good analogy to Roy Moore in AL.  Menendez has been obviously corrupt for decades, and despite all of this #metoo business, he has basically walked through the halls of congress with a thong-wearing underaged Filipino hooker draped over one shoulder in a fireman’s carry, and a big bag of cash with a cartoon dollar sign on it draped over the other.  So naturally he won re-election by double digits.

The other examples are too numerous and obvious to mention: Bill Clinton groped and raped his way through two terms with no blowback until the last 10 minutes. MA Senior Dirigible and Aquatic Homicide Aficionado™ Ted Kennedy died as the Lion of the Senate, despite a trail of empty kegs and dead or molested young women in his wake.   Pseudo-Hispanic Beto O’Rourke – of the Tijuana O’Rourkes, you ask? – is the son of a white millionaire whose only experience is in the field of  “getting away with a DUI hit-and-run,” and he’s the exciting new It-Boy of the Left.

Also, the nuts who could loosely be described as on our side – David Duke, Richard Spencer types — are fringe characters with no real power in our establishment and are shunned by virtually all national GOP pols.

But the nuts on the left – racial arsonists like Al Sharpton and Maxine Waters and Cowboy-pimp hat lady in Florida – are integral parts of the left establishment.  She-Guevera Ocasio-Cortez has parlayed her vast experience as a part-time bartender into becoming a “thought leader” (and yes, the sarcasm-rating of those quotation marks is 11 out of 10).  Crazy Mazie Hirono is a raving sexist and racist who literally condemned all white men – and she’s a respected figure on the left.

Speaking of leftists who went all Joe McCarthy during Supreme Court hearings, you may have noticed that conservatives have absolutely hated the jurisprudential philosophy of every far left Dem SC nominee for decades – Ginsburg, Kagan and Soto-mediocore (I might have that Spanish spelling wrong).  You also may have noticed that we gave them all dignified hearings, and that many on our side ultimately voted for them, on the grounds that even though we vigorously oppose their philosophy, the president’s choices for SC should be given deference if they are technically qualified.

Now think of the three most shameful smear campaigns/witch trials of modern SC nominees: Bork, Clarence Thomas and Brett Kavanaugh.   I rest my case.

I could go on and on: Before the ‘16 election, the Left lambasted Trump because they said he wouldn’t accept the results if he lost.  Since then, the Left has done nothing but throw fits and tantrums and feces because they do not accept the results.  Because they lost.

Finally, have you noticed a pattern of close election results being changed by corruption and various shady dealings on the right?  Any examples of a rightie winning on repeated recounts under fishy circumstances?  (And if you say Bush in 2000, I’m going to rhetorically slap you with a rotting flounder.  Bush was ahead in every count and re-count, despite a dozen leftist scams: not counting military votes from sailors that came in late even though the law specifically allow for that; announcing that Gore had won before the polls had even closed in the panhandle; widespread cheating and chad-deciphering in deep blue Broward and Palm Beach counties.  The lefty Miami Herald did a cursory story after the election that found that over 1000 convicted felons illegally voted – guess who they voted for?)

On the other hand, Al Franken lost on election night, before boxes of late and undocumented ballots showed up in leftist partisan poll workers’ car trunks, and shazam, the Franken-groper wins!  Years ago in NJ, corrupt Dem Senate candidate “Torch” Toricelli was indicted after the legally prescribed deadline for putting in a new candidate, ensuring that the GOP opponent would win.  Until the state Dems went into an illegal session, changed the law, and pulled corrupt old cadaver Frank “the Lout” Loutenberg on the ticket.  Of course he won, despite technically lacking any of what the scientists would call “vital signs.”

And now we have Florida. Again.  A corrupt, fright-wig wearing leftist hack – after failing in multiple previous elections, but somehow being kept in her position – cheats so openly that even the MSM gets embarrassed about it.  I’m sick just thinking about it, but there is a real possibility that the leftists will steal a senate seat, and maybe even the governorship, despite the entire nation knowing that they are cheating.

But the national, mainstream Left does not care.  They never do.

When we lose, we mourn for a while and then get back to our jobs and our families and our lives.  When the Left loses, they threaten people in social media and rampage in restaurants and vandalize property and besiege Tucker Carlson’s house and terrorize his wife.

On the bright side, the loony left is going to give us a lot of entertainment in the next two years, and they should be unhinged enough to give all independent or truly moderate voters second thoughts.

For example, Mad Maxine Waters is already in mid-season form, and she hasn’t even taken power yet.  She was last seen blathering about how, “They fear me because I’m a strong black woman… They’ve never seen anyone like me before.”

No, M-squared, we are repulsed by you, because you are a thug who calls for attacks on your political opponents.  And our children fear you, if they happen to be walking by the tv when you are shrieking one of your screeds, because your face appears to be melting off of your creepy old skull.

And come to think of it, we have seen someone like you before: in the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the German socialists opened the ark and their faces turned into goo.

Spartacus is energized, as is Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), who says she “is taking a hard look at running for president.”  (Keep reading those smoke signals, Lizzie!) Even Hillary is said to be mulling another run.  Because everyone knows that the third time is a disastrously bad omen.

I mean, “charm.”  The third time is a charm.

I’m hoping that the Dem cheating in Florida doesn’t succeed, and that the newly empowered leftists in the House let their freak flags fly.   And I hope that the entire nation pays attention for the next two years.

As is my traditional practice on election evenings, I got back to Stately Simpson Manor after a hard day’s work and spent a few minutes in prayer, beseeching God to smite my leftist enemies with His fuuurrrious anger (and, this year, to speed up the healing on Khalil Mack’s ankle, while He was at it).  Then I put on my lucky smoking jacket and poured a little scotch, and called my old grad school buddy.

For the last 8 elections or so, we’ve either hung out together, or had some marathon phone conversation about the incoming election returns.  (This is the guy who was friends with CO when he had not yet attained legendary status, and the guy through whom I first made CO’s acquaintance.)  We’ve seen worse elections – Obama’s expected first win, his soul-crushing second win, Al Franken’s ascension to begin groping female posteriors at the senatorial level – and better ones – Bushie’s miraculous comeback over Gore, and the glorious slaying of the Canklesaurus under the intact glass ceiling at the Battle of the Javits Center.

Last night was a mixed bag.  Here are my initial impressions of the highs and lows:

The Good:

We hold Florida, narrowly winning the senate and governor seats.  It was especially aggravating that far-left corrupt-ocrat Andrew Gillum barely lost for governor.  Now he can return to what he was doing before Tuesday: putting on a series of disguises, jumping into a windowless van and racing from one safe house to another, desperately trying to stay one step ahead of an FBI corruption investigation.

And by the way, though I am loath to toot my own horn, I have now played a pivotal role in several crucial elections.  I was among the handful of votes to deny Al Gore the presidency in 2000 and John Kerry in 2004; I helped put Trump over the top in 2016.  And now, I helped give razor-thin victories to Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott.  You are welcome, CO Nation.  (And yes, hitting the tip jar at Martinsimpsonwriting.com would be an appropriate way to express your gratitude, thanks for asking.)

The Dem senators in Red states who voted against Kavanaugh – Donnelly in IN, McCaskill in MO, Nelson in FL, Heitkamp in ND — mostly went down.  We almost got Tester in MT, and Manchin in WV likely saved himself by voting for Kavanaugh at the last minute.  (That shouldn’t have happened, though: he votes with the Schumer far lefties 90+% of the time, so the Rs in WV shouldn’t have let him slip into another term just because he did the right thing one time, and just before the election.) I was so furious at the Dems’ mistreatment of Kavanaugh, and I am loving the schadenfreude of watching at least some of those creeps get defeated because of it.

Adding to our total in the Senate obviously improves our ability to push through the next SC nominee, if and when God appears to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a dream and convinces her to retire, lest He break out the smiting stick.

But not only did we add a few much-needed Senate seats, we also made a couple of excellent upgrades.  Marsha Blackburn in TN is at least two standard deviations better than the departing Corker.  And if McSally can hold on in AZ, she’ll be a big improvement over the aptly named Jeff Flake.

Speaking of ridiculous names, Democrat Ben Jealous lost the race for Maryland governor, which just illustrates the old political cliché: don’t name your candidate after one of the 7 deadly sins.  (If we consider “jealousy” to be adjacent to “envy.”  Which we do.)  I can’t wait for 2020, when he teams up with VP nominee Bobby Sloth.  And yes, Bill and Hillary will form a husband and wife team – Lust and Wrath, respectively – at State and Treasury. Michael Moore will step up to take the Gluttony position at HUD, and Obama – of course – will bring Pride to the Ambassador to Iran position.

And by the way, nicely done, Barry.  Besides the sure-thing Dems he backed in IL and a few other places – all of whom, absent a meteor strike on Tuesday morning were going to win easily – his endorsement proved to be the kiss of death in all of the close races he bumbled into: Donnelly in IN, Abrams in GA, Gillum in FL and Cordray in OH.

In the feel-good story of the night, eye-patch-wearing SEAL badass Dan Crenshaw wins in Texas, after being mocked by SNL half-boy/half-shrew Pete Davidson last weekend.  We’ve got two words for you, Pete, and they aren’t “Happy Birthday.”

In the feel-weird story of the night, a brothel-owning GOP candidate who died in October won a House seat last night.  When first hearing that, I briefly considered laying off the Scotch.  I mean, I know that many thousands of Democrats routinely vote after they’ve died, but I never heard of anyone winning a race after he died.

I don’t know what it says about the voters in that district, or what it says about the character of that fine, deceased brothel-owning American.  But I do know one thing: the guy he defeated is never going to hear the end of it from his family and friends.

You know how every argument for the rest of his life is going to end:  “Oh yeah?  Well at least I didn’t LOSE TO A DEAD PIMP!”

The Bad –

Obviously losing the House to evil mummy Pelosi’s control is a terrible thing.  On the eve of the election, she touted “San Francisco values.”  Which I guess means that the rest of the country is now supposed to break out the ass-less chaps and get to work on creating Poop Map Apps (again, the worst Dr. Suess book ever) for the entire country.  I do not look forward to watching her shuffle across the well of the house, leaving a trail of her rotting burial wrapping behind her, before clenching her bony fist around the speaker’s gavel, then tilting her head back in a triumphant howl, forming a rictus grin and thus unleashing a furious cloud of stinging wasps out of her gaping maw.

But maybe that’s just me.

Good man and better governor Scott Walker narrowly lost the governorship in WI.  Or as the benighted slight majority in Wisconsin put it, “We’re sick of balanced budgets and a competent state government.  Let’s try a little of that dysfunctional leftism that is slowly turning the once great state of Illinois into a dumpster fire that burns tax dollars.

Speaking of which, Illinoisans replaced an unpopular billionaire GOP governor with a soon-to-be-unpopular billionaire Dem governor who has vowed to immediately begin colluding with the corrupt Chicago Dem machine in an attempt to increase the speed at which the state is plunging toward a fiscal cliff.  So I’m sure that’s going to end well.

Though it wasn’t a surprise, Liz Warren wins again in MA.  Never has the old political saying been more justified: “The MA voters have spoken. The bast**rds.”  I know that you, like me, are praying that she will shortly launch her kamikaze presidential campaign.  (Fun fact: she is actually 1/1023^rd Japanese.  So, rising sun first, whimsically decorated tepee second.)  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Sinema still might win in Arizona, which begs the question: what exactly do you have to do to lose an election in Arizona?  I mean, besides calling your state “the meth lab of democracy” that is full of “crazy people,” and warning others to be careful that their state not turn into Arizona.  And also arguing during the Afghanistan war that it would be okey dokey if American soldiers fought for the Taliban?  I mean, I know that she’s got that hot blonde woman in the nerdy glasses thing going for her – [begin Austin Powers voice] she puts the “sin” in “Sinema,” baby! [end Austin Powers voice] — but come on!

 

I do see a bright side, even in the terrible Dem wins in the House.

It’s true that having the same old leftist fossils once again in power – Pelosi, Mad Maxine, Jerry “the Hutt” Nadler, et. al. – will be a thorn in Trump’s side, and will bog down any useful action in the House for the next 2 years.

But to win the majority, the Dems had to run candidates who appeared to be moderates – including some women with military backgrounds, of all things – in a bunch of House districts.  Good for them, for recognizing that the Chavez-Guavara-Casto-Cortez act wouldn’t play in any but the deepest blue districts.  But I can see two potential silver linings on those victories:

1.Because the Dem majority is a narrow one, the loony leadership are likely to clash with the newly elected alleged moderates.  The extremists at the top have to answer to a crazy extremist base, and they will not tolerate compromise – so some very entertaining blue-on-blue fights are likely.

2.On the other hand, if the newly elected Dems prove to be faux moderates, and vote like their extremist chain of command, they are likely to alienate their voters, and those seats will be vulnerable to turning red again in 2020.

Finally, we must all wince that a vacuous non-entity like Beto O’Rourke – with a Simpson Face Punchability Index (SFPI) of 95 – could come so close to beating Ted Cruz in Texas.  But his undeserved close finish isn’t the most aggravating thing about him, because that would be his phony name.

How can an uber-Irish goofball like Robert Francis O’Rourke just slap a bogus Hispanic nickname in place of his first name, and have the whole world go along with it?  Sure, Declan Patrick MacManus could become Elvis Costello.  But he’s a musical genius.  And he wasn’t trying to pander to under-informed Hispanic voters.

Beta (he sure ain’t no alpha!) has inspired me, though.  From now on, I’d like you all to call me “Julio Drew Simpson.”

Or maybe Martin “Juan” Simpson.

No, no!  I’ve got it!   “El Jefe Simpson.”

I’m going to print up some new business cards in the morning.  My candidacy for a Texas House seat begins in 2019.  Arriba, Arriba! Andale!

Thoughts on the Eve of the Midterm Elections

William Goldman is a novelist and screenwriter who wrote The Princess Bride, which is a fine book and movie.  But that’s not important right now.

He also wrote a book on screenwriting, in which appears perhaps his most famous line: “Nobody knows anything.”   He was talking about movie-making, but his words are equally true about how the election is going to go on Tuesday. Nobody knows anything.

But we all have some guesses.  So here is some of the nothing that I personally know:

I know that I can’t trust my feelings on who is going to win, because the bias is strong within me.  American voters broke my heart in 2012, when they re-elected Obama.  I understood his initial election: he was superficially charismatic, and if you didn’t know much about economics or history or politics, what he said sounded pretty good.  His race gave him a huge boost, despite the left’s slanderous insistence that America is a viciously racist country.  Plus John McCain was a terrible candidate who seemed to intentionally sap conservatives’ will to vote for him.

But by 2012, everyone knew better.  After Obama’s first term — the four biggest yearly deficits ever, the implosion of shovel ready jobs, the botched takeover of healthcare – Mitt Romney was conservative-ish, in a way that seemed tailor-made for the squishy, independent middle of the electorate who always claim to want niceness and moderation.  He would never cheat on his wife with a porn star, and he’d never call anyone “horseface,” no matter how equine her features!

So I didn’t believe the polls showing that Obama was going to win.  How could a majority vote for him against obviously decent Mitt?!

Cue the sad trombones for young Martin, in the dark November of 2012.

Fast-forward four years, and I mostly did believe the polls saying that Trump would lose.  It was hard to imagine a majority voting for Hillary, but I could imagine a ton of people voting against Trump, and with the media spinning and covering up for her, plus her huge money advantage, I lost hope.

Oh me of little faith.

So now here we are.  On the one hand, polls are often wrong, especially when it comes to predicting turnout. On the other hand, the polls in 2016 weren’t wildly wrong.  Despite Trump’s comfortable margin in the electoral college, Hillary did end up winning the popular vote, and a relative handful of votes in a few states made the difference.

But after 2016, I can’t shake the hope that the GOP might barely hold onto the House.  I know that might be mostly sentiment on my part, and that the parties of WH incumbents typically lose tons of seats in their first mid-term, the left is galvanized by Trump-hatred, and etc.

But three things give me hope:

1.The Kavanaugh effect seems to be real, and I can only hope that it still persists.  The Dems behaved so terribly as they smeared him, to the point that even the most politically apathetic people had to see them for what they are, and be repulsed.

2. The illegal immigrant caravan seems to come straight out of central casting to help the conservative cause by illustrating the dangers of giving leftists control.  And when top Democrats respond to even the most thoughtful questions about the wisdom of admitting thousands of unvetted foreigners into our country with cries of “RACIST!” they certainly don’t motivate people to join them. Speaking of which…

3. The existential awfulness of the left’s behavior.  Between screaming protestors repeatedly interrupting the Kavanaugh hearings, and mobs of shrieking jerks hounding politicians through the halls of congress, and mobs of other shrieking jerks harassing people in restaurants and on the streets, I can’t bring myself to think that a majority of my fellow citizens will want to reward that behavior. Especially since the Dems are running on almost nothing except Trump hatred.

On the other hand, I know that you can’t reason someone out of a position or behavior that they did not reason their way into.  And reason is the farthest thing from what motivates those mobs!

So, for what it’s worth, I think the GOP is likely to gain at least a couple of Senate seats.  There is no logical reason why the red state voters in West Virginia, Montana, Indiana and Missouri should vote for Democrats who they know will ultimately vote to support the Schumers and Pelosis of the world, even if Manchin, Tester, Donnelly and McCaskill pretend they’ll be moderates.

There are a lot of very close races – in Florida, Arizona and Nevada, especially – that could swing to the GOP, and if I had to bet, I’d say that the Rs should take 1 of those three, and might take 2 of them.  If it’s a good night for the GOP, they could pick up all 3.

I don’t know what to think about the House.  So many of those races are local ones, and in places (CA and PA specifically) where the battlegrounds are said to favor the Dems.  I would love to see the GOP narrowly hold on to control, but my gut says that they won’t.

I haven’t followed any governors’ races except the one in my state of Florida, and I’m shocked that a corrupt, leftist hack like Gillum appears to be leading in the polls.  I can’t bring myself to believe that he’s going to win.  (Do you sense a subtle theme here?)

It’s an empty cliché, but it really will come down to turnout, and I don’t know what to expect in that area.  I know the Dems – and especially the most rabid ones – have gone to 14 on the Trump-hatred scale, and will likely crawl across broken glass to vote.

But the Kavanaugh hearings seem to have lit a fire under conservatives, and if those in the mushy middle were as turned off as should have been, I think they’ll be enough to stop a blue wave, at least.

I’m hoping that the polls are skewed to the left, and that the outcome is going to be better than we expect.  And I’m hoping that CO nation will all vote.

Unless you’re one of the lefties with the good taste to follow CO. In which case, don’t forget to show up to the polls to vote on Veteran’s Day.

If it looks like the polling place is closed, never mind that.  Just press your face to the glass, and continue to ask if anyone is there, until the sun goes down and the janitor comes out to ask you to go home now.

I was on the road for much of the last week, and was able to follow the news just enough to pick out a few of my favorite things from the last half of October.

You know how if you condense coal under enough pressure, it turns into a diamond?  Well I have a theory that if you did the same thing with a block of a wood – if you exerted such enormous forces that it was forced into a tiny, infinitely dense sliver of super-thick wood – you would not end up with a glossy piece of wood-colored jewelry sure to impress your romantic partner.

You would end up with the cerebral cortex of Don Lemon.

What follows is a quote from Lemon, which I swear to God I am not making up.  He said it in front of a television camera, while apparently sober, on October 29th: “We have to stop demonizing people and realize the biggest terror threat in this country is white men, most of them radicalized to the right, and we have to start doing something about them.”

Now if you listen to the speech of garden variety idiots – say a drunk in a bar just before closing time, or an ancient Roman who had been drinking water laced with lots of lead, or someone driving a Prius with “Coexist” and “I’m With Her” bumper stickers on it – you’ll notice those folks contradicting themselves a lot.

They’ll say something like, “Gender doesn’t exist,” and five minutes later they’ll say, “Men are terrible, and women are great.”  Or they’ll say, “Homophobia is evil,” and ten minutes later they’ll say, “We can’t judge Muslims for throwing gays off buildings, because they come from a different culture.”

You can probably make a rough judgment about the intelligence of those people by how much time lapses between their contradictory statements.  Because you’d have to be a real dope to push two of those statements together without noticing that they contradict each other, right?

Again, Don Lemon: “We have to stop demonizing people and realize that the biggest terror threat in this country is white men…”

Translation: We must not demonize.  Have I mentioned that white men are demons?

Even that paraphrase can’t capture Lemon’s physics-defying stupidity.  Because there is at least a period separating those two sentences.  But in his version, there is only the humble coordinating conjunction “and” between his two contradictory statements.

 

Speaking of racism-revealing coordinating conjunctions – and to all those who thought I wouldn’t be able to deftly deploy a grammatical-parts-of-speech transition, BOOM! – have you heard the latest gaffe from the Indiana Senate debate?

It seems that Democrat Joe Donnelly is inexplicably leading in his reelection campaign, and he had a debate last week.  Of course, the moderator asked him how he would promote diversity.  (Because that’s the best way to uphold and advance the greatest experiment in democratic self-government in the history of the solar system: create a giant Excel spread sheet and fill it with a count of the genitalia and skin colors of all job applicants.  Thanks, you SJW jerks!)

Donnelly said — and again, this is a real quote – “Our state director is Indian American, but he does an amazing job. Our director of all constituent services, she’s African American, but she does an even more incredible job than you could ever imagine.”

Afterwards, many people pointed out to Donnelly that “but” is a coordinating conjunction which connotes contrast, so his comments seemed to be racially insensitive.  He didn’t seem to get that, so I came up with a few examples of my own, to try to explain the error of his ways:

• My friend is an Asian female, yet she is not a terrible driver.
• My boss is Irish, but I’ve never seen him passed out drunk in a puddle of his own vomit.
• My cousin votes a straight Democrat ticket, yet he can dress himself and is relatively high functioning.

Some of you are probably thinking, “C’mon, Martin.  You’re too smart, and insightful – and dammit, ruggedly good-looking too – to think that Donnelly said something truly offensive.  It was obviously just an innocent slip of the tongue.”

To which I would say, “Thanks, thanks — and aw, shucks, these are just the chiseled features and strong jawline that God gave me – and I could almost give Donnelly a pass.”

But then I remember 2012, when Mitt Romney said that he had “binders full of women” and the Democrats and the media (but I repeat myself) pretended to believe that The Cleanest Man in Utah™ commonly deployed handcuffs and restraints and other devices favored by those of a Clintonian persuasion when working with members of the fairer sex.  And I’d declare that all Democrats have officially given up their “innocent slip of the tongue” passes.

Then I’d fight fire with fire, lefty-style:  I’d point out that Donnelly apparently believes that his staffers are managing to overcome their Indian and African heritage and do good work in spite of those terrible handicaps. Is that the kind of racist whom Indianans want to represent them in the Senate?  Won’t they please think of the children?   Who, I feel obligated to point out, are our future?

Speaking of white leftists who say pretty racially offensive things but somehow don’t seem to pay any price for it, how about that Hillary Clinton?  She was recently interviewed by someone named Kara Swisher in front of a lefty audience, and Swisher asked her what she thought of Cory Booker.

Instead of the only logical response – taking a long drink of water, then doing a volcanic spit take and howling, “Spartacus?  Are you kidding me?!” – she said that she adores him.  When Swisher asked how Hillary felt about Booker’s comment about when the GOP goes low, we should kick them, Hillary corrected her: Eric Holder had said that.

Then Hillary ad libbed: “I know, they all look alike.”

Now that’s the kind of joke that minority politicians could tell on themselves and get away with it.  But if you haven’t noticed, Hillary is white.

I mean, she’s not as retina-searing, lacking-in-all-pigment white as Lizzie Warren.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher).  But she’s pretty white.  She puts the CAW in “Caucasian.”

Sorry.  That was beneath me.  But at this point, what difference does it make?

 

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Democrats and the infuriating racism double standard.

There’s been a lot of talk since Trump’s election of the “dog whistle” of racism, and I think that is a telling metaphor.

First, it’s species-ist, and thus extremely offensive to someone of my delicate sensibilities.

Second, it’s another way of saying “racism that is a figment of leftists’ imagination.”  In the past several weeks, I’ve heard leftists say that it’s a “dog whistle” to, among other things:

• say that we shouldn’t allow people to stay here who broke our country’s laws to get here
• say that admission to our universities should depend on merit and not skin color
• say that America should be a melting pot

That’s not real racism.  Real racism isn’t super subtle, and it doesn’t take preternatural listening skills to pick up on it.

For an example, take the racism of Democrats.  Please.

When they ran the confederacy and fought until Lincoln and the Republicans defeated them and freed their slaves, there was nothing subtle about their racism. After they lost the war, Democrats like Nathan Bedford Forrest formed the KKK, not a group famous for the subtlety of their hatreds.

As the decades went by, Democrats passed Jim Crow laws and instituted poll taxes and fought integration tooth and nail.  The closest thing to a dog whistle ever deployed by southern Democrats like Bull Connor and George Wallace and Orville Faubus was actual dogs, attacking black folks while they were simultaneously being blasted with firehoses.

No one ever had to get out their decoder rings or read any tea leaves to figure out the meaning of a burning cross on their lawn, or a “Whites Only” sign, or a lynched relative.

Now I don’t think it’s fair to tar today’s Democrat leadership with the sins of their political ancestors.  But they have plenty to answer for on their own.

When Obama said that his mother feared black people because she was a “typical white person,” that was no dog whistle.  When Screwy Louie Farrakhan calls Jews “termites,” you don’t have to read between the lines to get his point.  (And when Obama takes a picture with him after he’s talked about evil Jews and white devils for decades?)  When Pelosi and Schumer et al claim that blacks couldn’t possibly get their act together enough to procure ID to vote, that’s some 160-proof racism.

I could go on with examples for pages.  Jessie Jackson calling NYC “hymie-town.”  Al Sharpton – whom the MSM and fellow Democrats treated like a legitimate candidate – inciting murder with references to “white interlopers” and “diamond merchants.”  Andrew Gillum’s college buddy and campaign aide caught on tape by Project Veritas last week raving about what a “cracker state” Florida is.  Etc. and etc.

And what does the Left have?  David Duke and dog whistles.  And David Duke has as much to do with the GOP as Duke Ellington or the Duke of Earl.

If there’s any justice, the lefties won’t be rewarded for their all-around awfulness in the mid-terms, about which I’m putting together some thoughts for a column on Monday.

In the meantime, I hope that Hillary and Obama and Don Lemon all stay on the air 24/7, reminded us all of just how terrible and obnoxious they are.

Regular readers of Cautious Optimism know that I’ve had a little fun at Elizabeth Warren’s expense over the last year or so.  I just went back through my archives and found that in a column dated last December 1st, I cited the story of Warren’s hilarious Pow Wow Chow cookbook – infamous for including two supposedly quintessential Oklahoman dishes that included the decidedly-not-indigenous-to-Oklahoma crab.

After a few more columns featuring jokes about the Geronimo in Granny Glasses, I started the #wemustneverstopmockingher references, undeterred by the fact that I wasn’t sure what “hashtag” actually meant.  And a trend was born.

Recently, however, I had started thinking about the inevitable: I would one day run out of Warren jokes, and my string of Warren mockery would come to an end.

Little did I know that the string would end in the most glorious way possible: in an incredible – and incredibly hilarious – act of unintentional self-immolation by the albino Apache herself.

Obviously, Trump was living in her empty, blonde head rent-free, or she never would have taken a DNA test in such a transparently desperate move to establish her Cherokee bona fides in the first place.  But once she took the test and found out that she is overwhelmingly white, the only rational path was obvious: swear the DNA tester to secrecy, destroy the results and start screaming about misogyny, or any other non-Indian-related bogus leftist talking point.

But no one has ever accused recent Democratic presidential contenders of being slaves to rationality.

So Warren compounded the problem.  She poured gasoline on the fire, steered into the skid, and made a terrible-PR mountain out of an embarrassing genetic molehill.

She produced a campaign-ad style video during which she talked to various members of the Warren family about how the old folks all used to wax poetic about their Indian ancestry.  If you’ve seen that video, you may have noticed something about the people in it: every last one of them is incredibly white.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  I mean, unless you are a Democrat who wants to be president.

Anyway, she managed to act smug as the DNA tester confirmed that she does indeed have “some” Indian ancestry.  If by “some,” you mean “the same ratio as I have of stellar dust from ancient comet strikes in my backyard, as compared to regular old earth-dirt.”  And I’d expect all of my neighbors to mock me if I started calling my backyard “the Lawn of Tranquility.”

Of course the sweetest irony comes from knowing that Lizzie could only have thought that she’d get away with such a laughable claim if she knew that the dishonest MSM would cover for her.

And for about half a day, they tried, coming out with multiple variations of headlines touting “the strong proof” that her DNA test gave to her claims of uber-Cherokee-osity.

But within minutes, people who can do math started to point out that she is likely somewhere around 99.9% white, along with several other fun facts.  Such as that she likely has many more times as much DNA from at least one white male ancestor who helped round up the Cherokee for the Trail of Tears.  (Cue the sad trombone/peacepipe.)

And that the average white American has something like 8 times as much Indian DNA as Liz has.  Despite the fact that, according to extensive research that I just now completed, most of them have never contributed even ONE recipe to Pow Wow Chow!  You can look it up.

And that’s not all of the crab bisque that Lizzie now has on her face.  Because she hadn’t just been claiming that some distant ancestor 6 to 10 generations back was a Cherokee.  She was claiming that her own mother was so obviously Indian that her grandparents wouldn’t accept her into their family, so her parents had to elope.

During my afore-mentioned research, I covered the back of an envelope with my own mathematical calculations, and I’ve arrived at the following conclusion:  Liz’s mom was not 6 to 10 generations back.  She was roughly one generation back.

So at most, one of that woman’s grandparents’ grandparents’ parent MIGHT have been at least part Indian.  At worst, one of THAT person’s grandparents’ grandparent MIGHT have been an Indian.

But since the DNA test actually used DNA samples taken from central and south Americans, that magical Indian ancestor may have actually been a Brazilian snake-wrangler, or a syphilitic conquistador, or an alcoholic member of the lesser Spanish nobility who was forced to go to the New World to try to dry out, and also because his continually passing out in the soup bowl was proving embarrassing to King Ferdinand.

And yes, there is as much scientific evidence to support the syphilitic,snake-wrangling,hard-drinking dinner-disruptor theory as there is to support the “I’m-a-blue-eyed-Delaware-Cherokee” theory of Elizabeth Warren.

But the Mendacious Mohawk was not ready to give up yet.  In a post-disaster interview she said that she released the DNA results because, and I quote, “I am an open book.”

Yes.  And that book is called The White Pages.

She also fell back on the oldest of ploys used by people who have made some issue all about themselves.  She said, “This isn’t about me.”

No, it isn’t.  It’s about your ancestors.  Your very, very, VERY white ancestors.

She also said that she released the results because, “I see now that confidence in government is at an all-time low.  And I believe that one way we try to rebuild confidence is through transparency.”

Even better than that, in your case: translucency!

And so, I tip my hat to you, Elizabeth Warren.  After I have done my best for almost a year to mock you at every turn, you have put my feeble mockery to shame with your own towering act of self-be-clownery.

I am tempted to say that this whole charade boomeranged on you.  But I have too much respect for the aboriginal people who invented the boomerang to engage in such a gross act of cultural appropriation.

So I will just say, “Liar, liar, deerskin dress on fire.”

Now please tell me where I can go to contribute to your 2020 presidential campaign.