Month: August 2021

For those of who have been wondering whether there was any screw-up that the Biden administration could preside over that would be bad enough to get them any blowback from the MSM, it looks like the Afghanistan debacle might be it. 

As I’ve said before, I think there is plenty of criticism to go around regarding our 20-year involvement in Afghanistan, and extricating ourselves was always going to be less than a clear-cut win. 

But decades from now, if there are any honest college history classes left, this cavalcade of imbecility is going to be taught as a classic case study of what NOT to do in foreign policy.  Or in human affairs generally. 

The unfolding disaster is bringing a fresh roster of proofs of Murphy’s Law every day.  Honestly, what else could have gone wrong that hasn’t?

Heartbreaking stories and video of the terrified victims of Biden’s feckless incompetence, trapped in a nightmare scenario slipping into a grim future that promises to be nasty, brutish and short?  Check.

Stranding thousands of American citizens, likely to be turned into either victims or sources of ransom money for the Taliban?  Check.

Decimating our allies’ faith in us and our ability to competently project power on the world stage?  Check.

Emboldening our enemies on all fronts? Check.

Arming a scabrous horde of weird-beard cavemen with almost $100 billion worth of high-tech weaponry and superior small arms with which to threaten us and all decent people within firing distance?  Check.

It’s hard to exaggerate how bad this has been, on so many levels.  Biden was in bad enough shape before this all happened.

He had taken to “calling a lid” on his public appearances every day about 10:00 a.m.  (Is that a coffin lid?  You make the call.)  He’s avoided having any substantive press conferences, and when he does speak with the press even for a few minutes, it’s easy to understand why. 

Then, exhausted by the 2-hour work days he’s been putting in, he takes off for Camp David for some R&R.  (In his case, those stand for “ramble” and “rot.”)  But no sooner is Air Force One wheels up than Afghanistan goes teats up. 

So naturally, Biden leaps into action.  Four days later. 

If by “leaping into action” you mean “lying prone and vacant-eyed while aides scurry around wringing their hands for days, before finally pressing the button that slo-o-owly raises Biden’s recliner into an upright position so that he can be helped to his feet and guided out in front of a camera to slur his way through some talking points written in huge print on the teleprompter.”

While Joey Gaffes was lying in state in Camp David, most of the MSM had tried to put the best spin they could on things. 

Who can forget the hapless dolt from CNN (surprise!) named Clarissa Ward, who did some reporting from Kabul?  After first dressing herself in a black shroud and covering her hair – as any filthy infidel harlot should naturally do – Ward delivered this insightful gem to CNN’s dozens of viewers: “They’re chanting death to America, but they seem friendly.”

Step aside, idiot CNN reporter from last summer who stood in front of multiple burning buildings, enveloped in smoke and chants of “Pigs in a blanket, fry ‘em like bacon!” and said those immortal words, “These protests are mostly peaceful.”

There’s a new Queen of the Morons.  All hail Clarissa Ward!

Perhaps even funnier were all of the dopes who twisted themselves into knots explaining why Donald Trump was actually responsible for Biden’s Blunder.  I mean, after all, Trump decided that we should get out of Afghanistan, so – yada yada yada – this is all his fault.

Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

It’s just like when my wife decides I should take out the garbage.  So I carry two bags out into the driveway, then start spinning around and then toss both bags directly up into the air.  After which they fall on the pavement and burst open, spraying cat litter and spoiled food and dirty diapers and banana peels in all directions.    

Then I sit down in the middle of the mess, tossing handfuls of cat litter into the air above me, before dragging out some spoiled food and eating it.  When she gets up in the morning and comes outside, she finds me wrestling with three rabid raccoons over the spoiled meat, while simultaneously vomiting because of food poisoning.

And I look up at her, wipe some cat litter out of my hair and the rabies foam off of my mouth, and say, “YOU told me to take out the garbage.  So this is all your fault!”

Check and mate!

When nobody was buying this reasoning, Biden gave his terrible Camp David speech.

When that didn’t work, he followed a disastrous short speech with a disastrous interview with former Clinton hatchet man turned “journalist” – nothing to see here, move along — George Stephanopoulos. 

George couldn’t be any more in the tank if he were Irwin Rommel, and he was all set to give a warm tongue bath to Biden, if only he could string together an even partially cogent series of sentences.

But the Prez just could not do it. 

He mumbled, he rambled.  He started sentences, switched to another topic, then switched again.  And somehow still couldn’t land on a syntactically understandable thought.  

Stephanopoulos tried to help.  When Biden said that we’re in control of the airport at Kabul, GS gently nudged him, “Still a lot of pandemonium outside the airport.” (Insert your own “if by ‘pandemonium’ you mean…” joke here.) 

Biden responded, “But no one’s being killed right now.” 

When George has to mention all of the pictures of the violence, and the Afghans falling off the departing jet to their deaths, Old Joe gets snippy:  “That was four days ago, five days ago.” 

So we all just learned that on Joe Biden’s planet, the statute of limitations on bringing up people dying is 3 days.  Good to know.

By now, the MSM are in full panic mode, racing around like chickens with their heads cut off.  (Or AOC with her empty head still on, I guess.)  Blaming everyone else isn’t selling, so they’ve been desperately trying to depict the situation in Afghanistan pre-blunder as hopelessly complicated and opaque.  How could anybody have known this was going to happen?  Who could have predicted such a shocking outcome?

General Mark “Thoroughly Modern” Milley – yes, that’s an obscure reference, but it fits – happily confessed his ignorance of all things military in service of trying to exonerate Biden.  He said, “Nothing that I or anyone else saw” indicated that the Afghan military would collapse if we pulled out without warning.

The sound you just heard was every soldier and officer who spent more than an hour in Afghanistan over the last 20 years doing one nation-wide, simultaneous spit-take.

If only Milley had paid any attention at all to, you know, ARMY STUFF, rather than sucking his thumb about white rage, as he stayed up late reading third-rate conman Ibram X Kendi’s fourth-rate drivel under the covers with his flashlight on every night!

Ugh. 

No matter how much the MSM talking heads and our mediocre leaders try to obfuscate things, the truth is pretty simple.  As typically insightful CO reader Eric Dickey (hat tip to you, my friend) summed it up last week:  “Evacuate first, then withdraw.  How hard can it be?”

Indeed.   But sadly, many of the most powerful people in our government have been trained in the “Ready, fire, aim” school of foreign policy, and they seem bound and determined to follow their training.

God help the decent people in Afghanistan, and all of us here in America, too.

More than ever, it’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 28 freaking weeks!

Things over the last week have veered wildly between comedy and tragedy.   Like everyone else, I’m heartsick at the news coming from Afghanistan.  The thought of all of the people who sided with us and resisted the Taliban being abandoned to savage reprisals is bitter indeed.  And the terrible impact of emboldened terrorists and a weakened US will be felt for years to come.

There are legitimate points to argue about our 20 years in Afghanistan.  On the one hand, I’m glad that we’re the kind of optimistic and idealistic country that tries to help people in countries where they’ve been oppressed and victimized.  I think it was a noble effort to try to protect Afghani girls from torture and sex slavery, and to try to offer Afghans a chance to chart a new path.

On the other hand, it’s very easy to slide past optimism and into utopian naivete, and in this case, that mistake has cost us a great deal of blood and treasure.  And the mistakes were bipartisan.  W was right to pursue the Taliban, and our military did a great job of killing and capturing their top leadership, and driving them from power.  But W’s good intentions got us into nation building where there wasn’t the raw material to build on.

Obama was typically feckless there, too.   As the war in Iraq lost popularity, he and the Dems championed Afghanistan as the truly justified war, and the one that we should have been focused on.  Whether that was his genuine thought, or a dishonest but convenient cudgel to attack the GOP with, it’s hard to tell.  (I think the smart money is on the latter.)  He also traded Taliban commanders for a creepy deserter, apologized to Islamic countries who were terror-adjacent at best, and generally made us look like the weak horse in a world wherein only strength is respected.  

Trump channeled the zeitgeist accurately, and planned to get out, though he didn’t get that done in his term.   His willingness to at least try to negotiate with the Taliban can be reasonably criticized, and if we had been spared the Biden presidency, he would have faced a by no means easy task of finding a smooth, minimally damaging way out.

But can anybody honestly think he would have botched it as badly as Biden has?  And that’s not a compliment to Trump so much as a statement of awe in the face of the metaphysically horrific Biden presidency.

That doddering mother-friender has an unerring instinct for friending up every decision he makes!  It’s incredible.   Just a few weeks ago he was asked if our leaving Afghanistan would be like Saigon, and he scoffed at the very idea.  With his trademark unjustified certainty, he said, “There’s going to be no circumstance for you to see people being lifted off the roof of an embassy of the United States from Afghanistan. It is not at all comparable.”

And of course he was right.  Because the people desperately trying and dying to get out of Afghanistan were falling from airplanes, not helicopters.  So it’s totally different.  

To make matters somehow even worse, Biden spent the crucial 48 hours at Camp David, where he watched a Matlock marathon while the disaster unfolded..  When even his dimmest supporters recognized that he had to come out and say something, he gave maybe the worst speech of his life.  And that’s saying something, considering he had to end two previous campaigns after two different plagiarized speeches.

Consider the way Biden opened the speech: “My national security team and I have been closely monitoring the situation on the ground in Afghanistan, and moving quickly to execute the plans we had put in place to respond to every constituency – and contingency – including the rapid collapse we’re seeing now.”

Has there ever been more dishonesty crammed into one sentence?   His team may have been closely monitoring the situation, but only in the open-mouthed, horrified way that anybody with a tv was.  After that: all lies. 

They weren’t moving quickly.   They weren’t executing any plans.  They didn’t have any plans in place to deal with either a constituency or a contingency like what was happening.

And no one is going to believe that he planned for a rapid collapse, because in the last month he and his mouthpieces repeatedly and explicitly denied that there would BE any rapid collapse.   “This will not be Saigon,” says ‘Baghdad Bob’ Biden.   

At this point, the best thing that Biden and the Dems have going for them – besides a dishonest, sycophantic media – is that they are screwing so many things up that each new scandal knocks the previous ones out of even peripheral news coverage.

Remember a week ago, when the fall of Grandma Killer Cuomo was the biggest story of the year?  That should have tainted the media and Biden for pretending that Cuomo was anything other than the bullying liar that he transparently is.  It should also blunt their attack on DeSantis or any other GOP governor, after the way they beclowned themselves over Cuomo.

There are long video montages of the love affair the MSM had with Cuomo.  They were “Cuomo-sexuals” and he was – hold onto your gag reflex — the “Love Guv.”   Not the “Grope Gov” or the “Gross Gov” – both of which have the benefit of truth, and alliteration.   He wrote a book on how well he handled covid – you can’t make this up! – and the Hollywood idiots gave him an Emmy for his performance.

An Emmy!  Can you imagine a less deserved award than that?! 

Oh yeah: Obama got a Nobel Peace Prize, for which he was nominated when he’d been in office for 11 days.  (That’s not an exaggeration for comic effect.  11 days!) And murderous Yassir Arafat got a Peace Prize, too.   And commie fraud Rigoberta Menchu got a Nobel for Literature for a book she didn’t write, and that wasn’t true.

Points taken.  But the Emmy for Cuomo was still a bad joke.   

And he wasn’t dumped because he killed thousands of seniors by his heartless, authoritarian edict that forced covid patients into nursing homes, or for faking the numbers to show less nursing home deaths than there were.  He also wasn’t really dumped for groping women.  Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton groped their way – and worse! — through sorority houses and intern pools for years, and Joey Gaffes himself has been accused of digitally raping a supporter, and there hasn’t even been an investigation. 

Cuomo is gone because he no longer had any value to the Dems, and because he had been such a jerk to so many Dems that he had no supporters when the chips were down. 

What does it say about the left that their two biggest crushes in the last 5 years are Michael Avenatti and Andrew Cuomo?

Remember when – post-Cuomo and pre-Kabul – the president’s degenerate, addicted, brother’s widow-jumping son was revealed to have lost yet another laptop filled with blackmail material, this time probably to the Russians? 

How do we know this?  Because he video- and audiotaped a conversation between himself and a hooker during which he confessed all of this! 

Let’s review the Top 5 Rules for Sex Scandal Behavior:

1. Don’t leave the girl to drown afterward.

2. Don’t mess up the girl’s dress, especially when it’s dark blue, which shows stains easily.

3. Don’t email genital pics to teens, especially when your last name is Weiner.

4. Don’t spend taxpayer dollars on strip club lamb chops.

And the new leader in the clubhouse:

5. Don’t record yourself telling a hooker that your earlier drug-fueled hooker-centric behavior is on a laptop that the Russians can now blackmail you with!  

Ooh, I just thought of another one, and it’s probably the most important one: Don’t do any of the above if you’re a conservative. 

Because THEN there will be consequences.

More than ever, it’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 27 weeks.

Today’s column will be an eclectic dash through some thoughts off the top of my head…

So the Olympics are over.  I was glad to see that some of our patriotic athletes – which CO and others on this site linked to and praised, rightly – did well in the games.  I was equally glad to see that some anti-American miscreants did poorly.

I feel bad for the decent women on our soccer team, but it was sweet to see Moanin’ Megan Rapinoe and the Kneelers (worst concert ever!) get swept by the Swedes, then tied by the team from America’s Hat, and have to settle for bronze. 

Hateful hammer thrower Gwen Berry was hoping to win gold so that she could use her platform to denounce the terrible systemic racism in America.  Instead, she came in 11^th out of 12.

I can only think of three ways that that outcome could have been better: 1. Obviously, #12 could have picked up her game, and pushed Graceless Gwen down into last place.  2. Berry could have slipped and fallen in a puddle of her own narcissism, thus tossing the hammer straight up, only to have it come down and knock some of the bile out of her by landing on her thick yet empty head. 

3. She could have defected to any other country that would have her.  If there were such a benighted place.

I had mixed feelings about the New Zealand weightlifter dude who thinks he’s Bruce Jenner thinking he’s Audrey Hepburn.  Unfortunately, he lifted like just plain ol’ Audrey Hepburn, and failed three times to lift 87 kilograms.   

Since I’m an American, I have no idea how much that is.   Because: pounds.   (We don’t get our dogs from the kilogram, we don’t eat kilogram cake, and saying that “kilogram for kilogram, I was the best boxer in my high school,” just sounds weird.) 

I don’t have any hard feelings toward anyone with the type of body dysmorphism that people call transgenderism.   Honestly, that particular mental affliction has to be agonizing, and I really do wish that all involved get the best treatment possible. 

Sadly for them, our woke idiocracy is going to prevent that, by indulging and even encouraging their delusions.  Which is no more compassionate to them than it would be to treat someone suffering with another body dysmorphic mental illness – anorexia – by agreeing that she is looking a little tubby, and should probably drop the sandwich and have a celery stick.  NOT kind!

But I sort of wished that that dude would have stomped all of the competition, just to heighten the contradiction, and speed the day when woke sports organizations are forced to recognize and deal with reality, and prevent males from competing in female events. 

Speaking of males who identify as females identifying as neurotics, did you catch the dueling Adams — Kinzinger and Schiff – crying during the January 6^th faux hearings?   That may have been the most pathetic public spectacle in a year already full of them. 

Both of these dopes watched mouth-breathing Biden voters in Antifa and BLM assault, murder, loot, vandalize and burn down government buildings all over the country for 6 months, and shed nary a tear.  But a goofball in buffalo horns takes a selfie with Imhotep Pelosi’s podium, and these guys suddenly looked like John Boehner and Edmund Muskie had a baby, which then watched the Hindenburg explode and fall on an orphanage on Bring a Puppy to the Orphanage Day. 

Ugh. 

I come from a time when there were 3 occasions when it was permissible for a man to cry in public:

1.When your best friend since basic training takes a German sniper’s bullet in the head in a foxhole outside of Bastogne.

2. When one of your limbs just got torn off in a thresher.

3. When your first-born son just came out as a Democrat. 

NOT when a few hundred knuckleheads march around inside a government building for a few hours and then go home.

I expect no better from Pencil Neck, but Kinzinger is pretending to be a Republican.  Can someone please primary that idiot?!

On a different topic, let’s take a quick tour of This Week in Hypocrisy.  (I need an old timey announcer’s voice for that title.) 

Exhibit A: Andrew Cuomo has apparently not left a female body ungroped in the last 20 years.  All of the Democrats feign outrage and call for his resignation.  And because he’s studied the cases of Bill Clinton and Governor Blackface (or, to be fair to him, possibly Governor Klan-Hood) in Virginia, Cuomo says, “Screw you guys, I’m staying.” 

And he’ll probably be able to.

Exhibit B: Former Narcissist-in-Chief Obama has a big birthday party with hundreds of servants and zero masks.  Some pics slip out, and a few leftists feel like they’ve got to at least pretend that’s it not what it looks like.  A NYT White House reporter (so you know she’s unbiased) named Annie Karni goes on CNN to explain that the vacuous celebrities at the Obama bash are a “sophisticated, vaccinated crowd,” so there’s no wu-flu danger. 

IMO, the average carny – the kind with missing teeth, missing fingers, and a pack of smokes rolled up in the sleeve of his white t-shirt while operating the Tilt-a-Whirl – is more sophisticated than a smug, soul-less sycophant like Annie Karni.

Exhibit C: Dr. Faux-ci warns that a bunch of motorcyclists getting together at Sturgis will create a covid super-spreader event.  Because they’re not as sophisticated a crowd you’d find in a tent full of arrogant dimwits on super-white Martha’s Vineyard.  About whom Faux-ci has nothing to say.

Finally, because there’s more to life than vain and malevolent politicians, gender-confused bullies, and grown men weeping over nothing, let’s talk a little music.

I just finished reading Rickie Lee Jones’s autobiography, American Troubadour.   She had a harrowing childhood, but persevered to make some great music, and I’ve always had a soft spot for her voice. 

So I started looking at some of her stuff on Youtube, and found a great live performance when she joined Lyle Lovett to sing his song “North Dakota.”  I love me some Lyle Lovett, and you can’t go wrong with him harmonizing with Rickie Lee.  My only complaint about the song is that it could have used more Rickie Lee. 

Listening to that reminded me of one of CO’s truisms: everything’s better when arranged in a list.

For example, there are 3 things you never eat:  1. 7-11 hotdogs.  2. Gas station sushi.  3. Strip club lamb chops. 

And the 3 smoothest-moving running backs are: 1. Walter Payton, 2, pre-murdering O.J. Simpson and 3. pre-knee-injury Gayle Sayers.

And there are 2 playwrights:  1. Shakespeare, 2. Everyone else

Where was I?  Oh yeah. 

The top 5 male-female duets you probably haven’t heard — though not necessarily in this order – and all of which you can see on video:

1.The aforementioned Lyle and Rickie Lee doing “North Dakota” live.

2. James Taylor and Carly Simon “You Can Close Your Eyes,“  in his house on Martha Vineyard, as part of an interview in 1977.  Taylor’s voice and guitar are perfect, and a young Carly Simon at the height of her powers, with that voice and that mouth?  Giggity.

3. Kina Grannis and Imaginary Future, “We’ll Be Okay.”  If you’ve never heard of Kina Grannis, just search her name and start listening.  She’s got a gorgeous voice, and has done a million covers on her video channel, along with a lot of her own songs.  In this one she sings with her husband, and their harmonies are lovely. 

4.  Kasey Chambers and Bernard Fanning, “Bittersweet.”  Chambers is an Aussie country singer, with the kind of raspy voice that I love.  I came across her when her song “The Captain” was featured on the Sopranos, and was hooked on the album of the same name.

5.  Norah Jones and Ray Charles, “Here We Go Again.”  Norah is always great. Ray was half dead when they recorded this – he died less than a year later – but a half-dead Ray Charles is better than most all singers when they’re completely alive.

There’s my list.   Tell me some of yours, and we can listen to each other’s, and forget about the idiots in Washington for a while. 

Because it’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 26 weeks.

Avenatti/Grandma-Killer Cuomo  2024!

Try being me for just a few minutes.

I know, from the outside, it looks pretty sweet.  The first-class wife, the top-shelf daughters, the peerless Wonder Dog, the rapier wit. 

The precious opportunity to vent to CO Nation and thus avoid the high-blood-pressure-induced series of strokes that I would otherwise have surely suffered if I were rendered ventless.

But think about this.  My avocation is finding and writing about political foolishness, a subject that is usually not in short supply. However, in recent months, I feel like I’ve been trying to drink from a fire hose.

For example, on Friday afternoon I went to Breitbart to take a quick run through some stories aggregated from various sources.  And in just the first half of that one page’s top stories, I came across the following gems, none of which I am making up:  

First, a story entitled “Cuomo Begs Citizens To Return to NYC: ‘We Need People Coming Back’.”  

That’s right people, 500 days after “15 days to slow the spread,” it finally dawns on Fredo Sr. (“He’s not dumb.  Not like everybody says.  He smaht, and he wants respect!”) that perhaps forcibly closing down NYC and urging every New Yorker to flee for their lives might not have been so great for business.

The story reports on remarks the Grandma Killer made in a talk to a group called “Association for a Better New York.”  (Friendly tip: if you want to make NY better, start by getting rid of every Cuomo in sight, then Duh Blasio, then AOC, then Sharpton, then…  Well, send me your email, and I’ll send you a list.)

True to his dictatorial lefty instincts, Cuomo isn’t going to waste time on trying to persuade or incentivize regular folks to come back, either.  He’s all about the top-down commands to anyone foolhardy enough to still try to be an employer in NY: “Say to your workforce, “By Labor Day, everyone is back in the office.”

Yes, there’s nothing like, “Make them an offer they can’t refuse”-style bullying to squash those hurtful anti-Italian-American stereotypes, is there, Andy?

Second came a story out of Germany about a gay man with a rainbow flag getting his jaw broken in an assault by “men of southern appearance.” 

I know what you’re thinking: It doesn’t sound like those Duke boys, to be driving around Berlin in the General Lee, with “Free Bird” blasting out of their stereo, then stopping to beat up some German guys who don’t care much for the frauleins, if you take my meaning.

But that’s not what the German police mean by “men of southern appearance.”  Because they – like some of our own police – have been brow-beaten by a bunch of woke activists into coming up with a bunch of euphemisms to hide the unpleasant consequences of leftist policies.

Hence, “southern appearance” doesn’t refer to people wearing a Bear Bryant hat, or even some Spanish lothario lounging around in his bullfighting costume.  It means a person from an area where a certain super-peaceful religion holds sway. 

As in, “Wow, those southerners are really tossing a lot of gay guys off of buildings lately.”

Or, “Have you noticed how many busty Oktoberfest waitresses seem to be being beaten while lunatic southerners scream that they are infidel wh*res this autumn?”

The Brits are doing the same thing, as I learned when I read confusing stories about, “Angry British Asian protesters carrying signs saying, ‘Slay Those Who Insult Islam!’” 

I tried to picture the many Asians I’ve met carrying protest signs, and all I could come up with is, “Math isn’t Difficult Enough!” or “I’m Going Home to Practice the Cello for Four Hours!” or, “Please Forgive Me for My Shamefully Low Cumulative 3.98 GPA!” 

Meanwhile, from back in DC comes a story of a bunch of Democratic Senators booing Joe Manchin for raising concerns about the 3.5 trillion (with a “T” – as in “To hell with you idiotic big spenders”) price tag for the “infrastructure” bill. 

Now that’s one scenario that is not hard to imagine at all: a bunch of professionally useless elected grifters standing around screaming, “Boo, fiscal sanity!  Booo!”  or “Hey, that guy over there says he doesn’t want to bankrupt our grandchildren’s children just to fire cash out of t-shirt cannons over every blighted city we’ve been running into the ground for 80 years!  Git ‘em!!”

Apparently a few Dims demly realized how bad that made them look—

Sorry, that’s “a few Dems dimly realized how bad that made them look.”  So they put out the word that Manchin was only “jokingly booed” by the other senators.

Sure he was.  Because if there’s anything we know about leftists, it’s that they have such GREAT senses of humor, and they just love to laugh.   (Quick, illustrative joke:  How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Answer: THAT’S NOT FUNNY!”)

Next up was a story about a Dem congress-weasel who has long championed transparency in government, but – hold onto your hat! – forbids citizens from recording public town hall meetings.

The pol in question is GA Dem Carolyn “Honest Abe” Bourdeaux, who in the last election cycle touted how she prides herself on the way she “stand[s] for the rule of law and transparency in our government.” 

But last week, in a “Cones With Carolyn” event – I don’t know what that means either, but I’m picturing a crowd standing around wearing traffic cones on their heads like dunce caps? – a citizen was making a cell phone video of the publicly funded event, taking place on public property, and attended by the public, when one of “Carolyn’s Creeps,” as her staff are known, told him to stop filming.

Okay, I just made up that “Carolyn’s Creeps” jab.  And for all I know, her poor staffers could be fine people stuck in a terrible job.  But c’mon.  If Bourdeaux’s opponents aren’t making up signs with “Carolyn’s Creeps” on them right now, they’re leaving money on the table.  

In the next story, a bunch of “journalists” and commentators attacked American Olympian swimmer Michael Andrew for his behavior after a race. 

What did he do to so offend them?  Wipe his butt with an American flag?   Give the Hitler salute while on the podium?  Lie on the ground kicking and screaming like a 2-year-old in a temper tantrum when the national anthem was being played? 

Nope.  He declined to wear a m-a-s-k in an interview after his race. 

The horror!

He tried to defend his conduct by pointing out that immediately after the extreme exertion of world-class swimming, “it’s pretty hard to breathe… so I feel like my health is a little more tied to being able to breathe than protecting what’s coming out of my mouth.” 

He didn’t say – but could have said – that for a bunch of elite athletes with an average age of 20, an average body fat of 2%, and no co-morbidities, the likelihood of dying from the Flu Manchu is about 100X less than dying by getting hit by an errant hammer thrown 40 yards outside of the women’s hammer-throwing area by a biological male hammer-thrower who identifies as Judy Garland.

Opinion columnist Michael J. Stern – who as far as anyone knows, probably swims like an anchor – called Andrew “the worst American stereotype.”   (To which many people would reply, “Have you ever seen Joey Gaffes trying to read a teleprompter, or AOC trying to explain economics, or Michael Moore trying to eat a turkey leg the size of his head while being interviewed on a red carpet at Cannes?  Now THOSE are terrible American stereotypes!”)  

My favorite comment came from someone named Krutika Kuppalli, who chided Andrew for not mitigating.  Not because the comment was helpful, but because her name sounds like the scariest disease ever. 

As in, “If doctors aren’t able to contain the krutika kuppalli outbreak in Ghana, it’s going to make dengue fever look like housemaid’s knee!”

But lest you think that all of the news was bad, or that there is no Democrat whom I could support, let me end with the story of Michigan state representative Jewell Jones, an attractive, clean-cut, African-American young man.

This guy is my kind of Democrat, because he’s 100% authentic.  I don’t like pols like Obama or Biden, who run as moderates (“there’s no red states and blue states, just the United States!”) and then govern like the leftists they are. 

That’s not Jewell.  He’s as transparent as Elizabeth Warren is translucent (#wemustneverstopmockingher).

Sure, he may have had a run-in or two with Johnny Law, as when he drove drunk, crashed into a ditch, assaulted a paramedic and then resisted arrest.   He refused to show ID, then flashed a badge from the Inkster Police Department.  (Spoiler alert: he is not a cop.) 

Then, like a young Hunter Biden when caught with meth and hookers but no laptop, he threatened to call in the Big Guy.  Or in this case, the Big Gal, i.e. Michigan dictator and finalist in the “Worst Governor in the Country” competition, Gretchen Whitmer.

“I’ll call Gov. Whitmer right now,” he threatened.  “When I call Gretchen, I need you all’s IDs and badges [sic].”  He went on to say, “It’s not going to be good for you; I run you all budget, bro [sic]…. You all don’t know who you all are dealing with, bro.”    

I know what you’re thinking: this arrogant jerk sounds like half the pols in DC.  What makes him so special?

I left out the best part.  Because his latest trouble arises from a scandal in which he spent campaign funds at a strip club.  Again, not that unusual – and I’d rather see taxpayer dollars used to make it rain on the main stage than funding Antifa and critical race theory classes, for example.

But the beautiful thing about Jewell Jones – and what makes him the archetypal Dem pol – is his reaction to the charges that he spent campaign cash on strippers.  He said, “We have to meet people where they’re at sometimes.”

Yes! And sometimes where they’re at happens to be twerking over your lap in the champagne room!  What’s he supposed to do? NOT stick taxpayer dollars into his constituents’ g-strings? That’s just rude!

And then he made his closing argument, claiming that it wasn’t all about the ogling, and stating that the establishment in question has – and I quote – “great lamb chops.” 

My first thought was that you don’t eat strip club lamb chops any more than you eat gas station sushi.

But then I remembered that I’m a gentleman, and I’ve been married for 30+ years, and so am not up on all of the cool youngsters’ lingo.   Could “lamb chops” be a euphemism in this case?  

It doesn’t sound like it.  I can’t imagine overhearing someone saying, “Check out the lamb chops on our waitress!”

But then again, I have heard of a “rack of lamb.”  Coincidence?

Anyway, that’s less than one day’s headlines from one webpage.  Covering these boneheads is looking like more than a full-time job.  Luckily, I’m a working dog, not a show dog.

So I guess I’ll be here all week.  Try the veal.

But pass on the lamb chops.

Avenatti/ Kuppalli  2024!

You may remember my column on Monday – seems like it was just four short days ago – in which I advanced the thesis that leftists are generally disconnected from reality, while conservatives are generally in touch with reality.  (If you missed it and are interested, you can find it at Martinsimpsonwriting.com)

I was careful to note that this thesis is at least a little exaggerated, but I went through a poll from February that listed the top 12 things leftists are worried about.  I concluded that 8 of those either don’t exist (voter suppression, systemic racism) or are blown out of all proportion to their meager reality (white supremacy, police brutality, domestic terrorism), with another one not being a problem at all (capitalism, i.e. economic freedom), and three existing much less here than anywhere else in the world.

Now let’s look at the flipside of that question: what did the poll find that conservatives worry most about?  In descending order, they are:

1.Illegal (not legal) immigration – not only is this a real problem, it’s a huge one, and one that virtually the entire country agrees on.  It is costing us hundreds of billions, and introducing a myriad of problems that will make the plagues in Egypt look like almost undetectably slower internet speeds.

I for one would gladly take clouds of locusts, painful boils, and the local water supply turning to blood, if only to avoid the consequences of tens of millions of new covid-infected Democrat voters!

2.Lack of support for the police – Even many Dem officials who were calling to defund the police several months ago – after watching the body counts in their cities climb faster than the prices for Hunter Biden’s execrable “paintings” – are pretending that they were misunderstood, and are now calling for lots of cops armed with belt-fed weapons and tactical nukes.

3.High taxes – This is only a problem for people who work, or who intend to live off of the taxes paid by those people.  If you don’t believe this is a problem, then you haven’t tried to rent an out-bound U-Haul in CA or NYC recently.

4.Liberal bias in mainstream media – Despite an unbroken series of MSM talking heads frothing at the mouth, lying through their teeth and barking at the moon for years, not a single one of them has been taken out behind the barn and dispatched with a crisp rifle shot.   

Or even fired!

Meanwhile, our congress spent the entire last year with their heads up their Schiffs while millions of leftists, anarchists and whitey-haters burned, vandalized and looted dozens of cities, causing untold injuries, a number of deaths, and billions in damage.    

But don’t worry.  They’re going to spend the next 47 years getting to the bottom of the political equivalent of a panty raid that lasted several hours and resulted in only one death: that of an unarmed woman at the hands of the only cop in America who is NOT a bloodthirsty foot-soldier for fascism.   So… yeah.

5. General moral decline of the country.  Please see my column from several months ago, when I described getting the bends after first listening to Frank Sinatra singing, “In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning,” and then segueing to Cardi B’s “WAP,” a tuneless, vulgar aural assault that might somehow cause an STD in your inner ear canal just from listening to it, “sung” by a tone-deaf illiterate with the morals of a tomcat whose catnip was spiked with Viagra, and the hind quarters of a manatee who has really let herself go since the divorce.  

6. Socialism.  It’s only been implemented for a little over a century, and has already racked up a murder count of over 100 million souls, with many times that number oppressed, impoverished and enslaved.   

Even worse, it has afflicted us with Bernie Sanders, AOC, Michael Moore and an army of brain-dead celebrities and faux academics, none of whom we can beat like a rented mule, because then WE’D be the bad guys!  (Obscure Mr. Burns reference?  Check.)

7.  Antifa violence.  See numbers 2, 4, 5 and 6 above.

8.  China.  Great people, but a terrible/typical socialist government.  Come for the famine, mass killings, Maoist struggle sessions and intellectual property theft, stay for the pandemic!

9. Legal abortion in the third trimester.  A person’s a person, no matter how small.

10. Election fraud.  Ballot harvesting, unsolicited mail-in ballots, and no voter ID in sight.  What could go wrong?

11.  Tech company censorship.  I would write more about #10, but then I’d never be heard from again. 

12.  Discrimination against Christians.   I mean, it’s not like there are hordes of our Christophobe moral superiors, scouring the 10 commandments and Golden Rule from our public square, boycotting Chick-fil-A, and policing the beliefs of every small bakery in the land.

We can still celebrate our Winter Break, with our festive holiday trees and other traditions that stretch all the way back to when BCE became CE.  And it’s not like anyone will stop us from going to church while they allow mostly peaceful rioting, chanting, and lotto ticket sales.  Oh, wait…

So there you have it.   Conservatives identify problems that actually exist, and are actual problems that cause actual harm to the country.

Leftists identify problems that are as real as Corn Pop, and are willing to shred our constitution and spend our grandkids’ inheritance to fix what isn’t broken, and to break everything else.         

2022 can’t come fast enough, because it’s been a long four years, and it’s only been 25 weeks.

Avenatti/ Cardi B, 2024!