The Case for Optimism, Part 3

I’ve described conservatives as more optimistic and leftists as more pessimistic, but there is a pretty big exception to both of those generalizations.

Conservatives see a lot of critical flaws in human nature, which would seem to be a hallmark of pessimism.  Religious conservatives (especially) hold the paradoxical Christian view that while people are made in God’s image and capable of great good, they are also fallen and broken, and capable of great evil.  The Founders – most of whom were Christians, but all of whom were philosophically grounded in the Judeo-Christian worldview, even if they were Deists or agnostic or atheists – built a political system that depends on a non-rose-colored-glasses view of human nature in general.

Because they knew that humans would seek power over others, they created a set of governmental checks and balances, “setting ambition against ambition” to counter the natural impulse toward tyranny.  They believed that economic and other freedoms would help counter the self-serving greed of the human heart.

The great conservative thinker Adam Smith (peace be upon him) pointed out that it’s not from the benevolence of the brewer or baker that we get our beer or bread, but from their self-interest.   A baker might well be greedy, but in a free market economy, his best path to making money is through serving his customers well; if he provides the best quality product he can at the lowest profitable price, he will be better off, and so will his customer.

(Sidebar: One great advantage of conservatism over leftism is that the former turns one of the common sins of humanity to a positive purpose, while the latter makes a related but different sin even worse.  Free market economics diverts greed toward a benign purpose, because to prosper I must serve my fellow citizens, by providing them with goods or services that they want.  But leftist ideology takes one of the 7 deadly sins – envy – and inflames it.  Socialism tells you that to envy your more successful neighbors is not only NOT a sin, it’s a righteous act.  It’s not right that they have more than you do.  They didn’t build that!  Those evil 1%ers need a holy jihad brought down on them!  Power to the collective!!)

So while conservatives and conservative philosophy has a strong pessimistic streak too, I would argue that it’s a mostly functional and useful pessimism.  Because conservatism recognizes human flaws and weaknesses, it establishes a system in which incentives and disincentives redirect such flaws toward positive ends.

Similarly, mostly pessimistic leftists also have a strong strain of optimism, in the form of a near-utopian confidence that a small elite – themselves, naturally – have the wisdom needed to re-design society from the ground up, and eliminate all social ills.

The USSR was continually coming up with new pie-in-the-sky 5-year plans that would create a glorious socialist future… never mind that the previous six 5-year plans had produced the grim, impoverished socialist present.  The French revolutionaries confidently tore down centuries of political, social, religious and economic traditions – because their ideas were better.  Perfect, in fact.  They even re-started the calendar at Year One, to correspond with their glorious revolution, which would fundamentally change the world forever.

Now THAT is optimism!

But it’s a dysfunctional, delusional optimism.  It is optimistic only about your own ability to run everyone else’s lives, and metaphysically pessimistic about 99% of humans’ capacity to reason, or chart their own course in life.

Fortunately for the world, all of those big brains that plotted the French Revolution were encased in heads that soon formed a big, gory pile at the foot of the guillotine that they had built to launch their glorious new age.  (Cue whatever French instrument was the 18th century equivalent of the sad trombone.) (The “sackbut,” I guess?)

But you can still see the disastrous effects of utopian leftist optimism in our society to this day.  The motley gaggle of antifa mouth-breathers and coddled man-buns in Seattle staked out their own little utopia of CHOP… which ended two weeks later in a miasma of chaos, violence, badly spelled cardboard signs, and body odor.

Only a utopian leftist could run on a promise that he was going to “fundamentally transform” one of the most successful societies in the history of the planet.  But Obama didn’t think twice about making that claim.

He also had no trouble saying that he could design a greatly improved health care system from the ground up, despite the fact that he had no medical training, and couldn’t tell the difference between a stethoscope and a catheter.  And AOC knows how to run the largest economy in the world, even though her previous business experience consists of screwing up drink orders in several bars where she worked.

And leftist judges know better than the Founders what the constitution should say, and if it doesn’t happen to say that, hold their Pinot Noir… and voila!  Here is a brand new right to privacy, and abortion, and taxpayer-funded sex change operations, and anything else they can dream up.

Also, that part about the right to bear arms, which would seem to be ACTUALLY written into the constitution?  The Founders were idiots, and we know better, so that is now non-operational.

So I’ve blathered on for three columns about the psychological and political implications of optimism vs. pessimism, but I’d like to end where I began.  All things being equal – and even when they aren’t – we should strive to be optimists.  Sure, you should prepare for the worst and take precautions – that’s only prudent.  But hope for the best, and look for the positive in every situation.

I’ll leave you with two of my favorite ideas on this subject.  The first I’ve seen attributed to Amos Tversky, and it says something like “to be a pessimist is to suffer twice: once when you fear that the bad thing might happen, and again when it does.”

The other comes from one of my favorite presidents, Calvin Coolidge.

(I’m going to write a small appreciation of Coolidge in a future column. He’s the most under-rated president in our history, an assertion that I can go halfway to proving just by citing his nickname: “Silent Cal.” After the last 30 years, can you imagine a more refreshing and longed-for adjective to apply to a US president than “silent?!”)

My man Coolidge said, “If you see 10 troubles coming down the road, you can be sure 9 will go in the ditch and you have only one to battle with.”

I don’t care who you are, your quality of life would almost certainly go up if you reminded yourself of those two quotes on a daily basis.  Throw in God, speaking through Paul (IMHO) – “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” – and you’ve got yourself a recipe for Ray Charles-singing-“Oh-Happy-Day” levels of happiness.

I can’t end these rambling without referencing the name of this website.  Why do we all congregate here?

Is it to be in the enigmatic presence of the great and powerful CO?  Is it to bask in the economic wisdom of Christopher Silber, or the good hearted sense of salon nurtured by the COSE, or the political insight and everyday common sense of the hundreds of stand-up guys and wise women and all around good eggs who comment and contribute here, or even the hilariously apt sackbut references and boyish (some might say “childish”) charm of yours truly?

I hope the answer is all of the above, but I know that it’s at least in part because this site is NOT called Cautious Pessimism!

Now let’s get out there and win the day!

Avenatti/Seattle Man-Bun Guy 2020!

The Case for Optimism, Part 2 (posted 7/22/20)

As I continue to think about optimism vs. pessimism, I remember several terms from a long-ago psychology class.  The first one was the difference between having an internal vs external locus of control, which refers to whether you see yourself as mostly controlling your own life, or as primarily impacted by larger forces beyond your control.

Like the half empty or half full glass of water, both of these outlooks are partly true.  It doesn’t matter how determined or self-actualizing you are: if you are born in a socialist hellhole like Venezuela or China, or if you have a severe genetic disease, or are born to alcoholic, dysfunctional parents, your life is going to be very much harder than someone’s who is born in a thriving country, healthy, and with world-class parents like my wife and I.

But even at those extremes, and especially in between, people who see themselves as in control of their own lives will make decisions every day – work hard, don’t buy things on credit, acquire a Wonder Dog, stay off the heroin – that will make them successful.  And people who think the opposite will make decisions – work minimally, produce mostly excuses, vote for politicians to fix your life, mmmmm, heroin – that will ruin their lives.

The other psychological term is “learned helplessness,” which originally comes from some very depressing experiments on dogs and rats.  A creepy psychologist repeatedly shocked an animal when there was no way for it to escape; later, when a means of escape was provided and the animal was shocked, it did nothing to escape, because it had been conditioned to not try.

Human parallels abound.  A child who has trouble with math, absent any intervening teacher or helper, soon learns to give up on math tests.  An adult who thinks “the little man can’t get ahead” doesn’t do the things (working overtime, getting an education or job training, delaying gratification) that help little folks all around him get ahead every day.

Learned helplessness is very tightly associated with depression, as you might guess.  The self-destructiveness of others who have learned helplessness is extremely obvious, and frustrating, to those who love them.  The eight-times divorced woman says, “All men are abusive drunks.”  You ask where she met all of her ex-husbands.  She says, “in a bar.”

The career criminal says, “No employers will give an ex-con a chance.”  You ask what he was convicted of.  He says, “Stealing from work.”  You ask how many job training programs he went through in the joint.  He says, “None, because nobody will hire an ex-con.”

In my previous column, I pointed out that some nations tend to produce populations who are mostly optimists or mostly pessimists.  But even more than that, the two main political schools of thought – leftism and conservatism – tend to attract more pessimists or optimists, respectively, and also to inculcate and reinforce those views in their adherents.

Conservatism emphasizes each person’s responsibility to improve his or her life.  “That government is best which governs least” assumes that you are better able to run your own life than the government is.  “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is a mocking reference to the conservative tendency to emphasize the necessity of individual action.  Cliches from self-help books such as “If it is to be, it’s up to me,” ring true to most conservatives.

Liberalism/leftism, on the other hand, focuses on the need for collective action, and the extent to which each individual needs help (by which leftists inevitably mean government help) to achieve his or her full potential.  You can’t be a great parent on your own, because “it takes a village.”  Even if you’ve created a business by working your arse off for decades, it turns out that, “you didn’t build that.”  (Says the translucent lady who never built even the simplest campfire or tepee.  #wemustneverstopmockingher)

Leftism teaches that there are ONLY external loci of control (and yes, I’ll take “Latin plurals” for 500, Alex).  Systemic racism, and endemic sexism, and ubiquitous patriarchy will do way more to shape your life than any insignificant efforts on your part.   So stop beating yourself up for your failures, and don’t bother trying to improve yourself in our evil system wherein that is not possible.  Just vote for us – your benevolent, external locus of control – and we’ll fix your life.

Now obviously, neither outlook is completely, 100% correct.  Larger forces clearly do affect individuals, and we must try to achieve some large goals together, like whipping Nazis, or stopping jihadi domination of the world.  As a society, we need to make provisions to help those who truly cannot help themselves, such as the physically disabled, mentally handicapped or elderly and infirm.

But the tendency of leftism is toward mission creep, due to underestimating the importance of an internal locus of control.  They initially create a social security system that costs little, and is a supplement for most people, and necessary for only the hardest-hit few who make it to old age without having saved anything.  Ninety years later, it costs trillions and is going broke, and most old people feel dependent on it, and desperately fear losing it.

Leftists initially created disability payments for the very few who lose a limb or their vision, or suffer some other traumatic injury, and cannot survive without such payments.  A few decades go by, and millions of people are on the dole for such “disabilities” as sexual addiction, alcoholism, or impossible-to-confirm-by-any-objective-physical-test maladies such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome or ADHD. (Because who could possibly be tempted by the chance to get drunk, have sex and sleep-in the next day?) (And no, I’m not saying that none of those exist – only that they are at best wildly over-diagnosed, and at worst fraudulently diagnosed, to attain a variety of monetary and non-monetary benefits.)

I wouldn’t argue that having an internal locus of control necessarily means that you are an optimist.  (Many times, having a sense that you are surrounded by boneheads making stupid decisions could make the most pessimistic among us even MORE determined to exercise control over everything they can!)  But I don’t see how you can be an optimist if you have an external locus of control.  Because if you are at the mercy of large and small forces beyond your control, what’s there to be optimistic about?

Look at the way that minorities have fared under leftism (in Detroit, Chicago, Baltimore, New Orleans, etc. etc.), and you’ll see decades of identifying external loci of control (white supremacy, racist cops, uncaring rich people, Jewish interlopers, malevolent capitalism), resulting ultimately in learned helplessness, and the devastation and blighted lives that inevitably follow.

The best case study that comes to mind is New Orleans in the lead up to Hurricane Katrina.   I grew up in Illinois, where the problem was tornadoes rather than hurricanes.  The average warning for a tornado was a minute or two; the town siren would go off, and you had to get to your shelter or the garage or the closest bathtub pronto.

But hurricanes move slowly, and with modern forecasting, people knew for four days that Katrina was going to make landfall somewhere around where it did, and when it did.  Optimistic people with a healthy internal locus of control might wait a day or two, but within 24 hours of landfall – with the predicted site and time firming up all the time – they’d get out of town.

And don’t tell yourself that poor people were trapped there.  Even the poorest of Americans either own an old car, or know friends who have one, or could buy a bus ticket.  (The average hurricane travels around 30 miles per hour.  In my life, I’ve owned a 30-year-old, rusty Silverado, a mid-70s Chevy Monza with a sewing machine engine, and a decade-old Buick landcruiser made out of a ton of American steel and a problematic head gasket. All of them leaked oil and had the get-up-and-go of Bernie Sanders before his nap.  And all of them could go faster than 30 freaking miles an hour!)

Ray “Schoolbus” Nagin, the Democrat mayor of New Orleans, earned his nickname because instead of using the gigantic fleet of school buses at his disposal to ferry poor people to certain safety, he left those buses parked in gigantic lots, so that they could be immersed in floodwaters and ruined.

Apparently, when you elect corrupt and incompetent leftist politicians for decades, the wheels on the but do NOT go round and round in your town.

By the way, Nagin is due to be released from prison in 2023.  He wasn’t jailed for incompetence — because if that were a crime, our entire Congress would be doing the jailhouse rock – but for corruption.

So the black and white and brown poor people of New Orleans, suffering from stage 4 government-induced learned helplessness, sat and waited for days, until a slow moving hurricane finally slammed into them.

In the aftermath, just to show the persistence of the external locus of control habit, whom did most of the survivors blame?

  1. Themselves, for being over-run by a storm that Betty White could have outrun?
  2. Their decades’ worth of Democrat city officials, who took millions in federal funding to reinforce levies and spent them instead on hookers and blow?
  3. Their current Democrat mayor and city council, who spent the days and hours before the storm executing an Olympic-gold-medal-worthy cranial-rectal inversion maneuver? (And oh, did they stick the landing!)
  4. Their Democrat governor, Kathleen “oh so” Blanco?

No.  They externalized the hell out of the blame, pushing it 1086 miles to the northeast, to GOP President George Bush’s White House.

Please tune in Friday, for the final part of these musings…

Avenatti/”Schoolbus” Nagin 2020!

The Case for Optimism, Part 1 (posted 7/20/20)

We’re more than halfway through July, and there have already been a month’s worth of strong contenders for a vigorous Stupidest Statement of the Month competition.

One of the leaders in the clubhouse would have to be AOC’s response to a question about why the murder rates seem to be exploding in peaceful-riot-prone Dem-run cities.  The mediocre bartender’s answer – and I am not kidding — pointed to desperate people needing to shoplift bread for their hungry children.

Which would explain all of the frustration that the cops haven’t been able to follow the bread crumbs and solve all of those murders.  And also why crime scenes in Chicago and NYC have been littered with shell casings, crust, and bread ties.

Ugh.  If the polls are right –and I’m no more than 50/50 on that question – in 6 months this country may be led by Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and AOC.  Or as intelligent readers of the CO site know them, the mostly dead, the undead, and the brain dead.

Rather than dwell on that grim prospect, I’ve been reading some good books, enjoying time with my family and Wonder Dog, and returning to a theme that has been pre-occupying me for much of this challenging year.

If you’ll allow me to depart from my usual snark and mockery, I’ve been thinking a lot this year about optimism and pessimism.  In the interests of keeping this column from going on too long, I’ll share a few thoughts now, and the rest later in the week…

I’ve always been a mostly optimistic person.  I’m not sure how much of that is nature – many people are obviously wired to be either sunny-siders or Debby Downers – but I’m sure that nurture plays a significant role.  An optimistic, well-adjusted and functional family likely produces more optimistic kids than the reverse.

I also think that a religious worldview can shape how optimistic your thinking may be, and in both directions.  Though I briefly studied other religions a long time ago, I know a lot more about Christianity, and I’ve seen that there are darker versions (leaning toward a Calvinist, more sin-focused fatalism) and lighter ones.  The latter ones seem to me to be more attuned to Christ’s overall outlook, with a focus on a loving God creating us in His image, and a teleology that allows us to choose (literally) paradise.

For secular folks who adopt a central philosophy for their lives – hedonism would be my favorite, if I were in that boat, with utilitarianism a close second, and nihilism my least favorite – I’m sure those ideological lodestones shape how optimistic they become.  Because I believe that doctrinaire leftism is very often more religion than political philosophy  (What is the cancel culture craze if not a good, old-school heretic hunt?), I see it as tending hard toward pessimism, about which more later.

I think nations and cultures can also have default settings – shaped by their history, to be sure — to be more optimistic or pessimistic.   I think of Russians as a generally more pessimistic bunch, for example.  I remember coming across a list of common sayings from various cultures, and the purportedly Russian saying was, “The tears of strangers are only water.”  Which… yikes!  Many Russian sayings have a way of looking on the dark side, such as,“If you know too much, you’ll age sooner.”

I also think of Scandinavians in general as a more dour group – and without good cause, when you consider that they tend to be tall and attractive, and live in clean, well-functioning societies.  Yet they’ve got a high suicide rate, and even in church, my current Lutheran co-worshippers lean more toward a curt nod of greeting, rather than the emotional hugging and infectious smiles of my Baptist upbringing.

Jamaicans, on the other hand?  And many denizens of warmer, Caribbean or Mediterranean cultures?  Let’s just say that upon first hearing the songs, “Let’s Get Together and Feel all Right,” or “Don’t Worry, Be Happy,” most of us would instinctively guess that they were not written by somebody named Luther, or Lothar, or Olaf.  (That first title, especially, is all Marley and no Scrooge.) (HA!)

Americans are a famously optimistic people, or at least used to be.  Most of our ancestors, it’s true, came here at least partly because of chaos and disasters – famine, conflict, poverty, roving bands of proto-leftists stealing everything in sight — in their home countries.

But most people, in those circumstances, were fatalists.  “I know that the potato crop is failing, and that we’re at war with the next dukedom over, and the smelly horde of proto-leftists struck again last week, stealing all my worldly possessions – my nightshirt and the chair, both!  But what are you gonna do?  Life is suffering.  Hopefully smallpox will reach our village soon, and bring the sweet release of death.”

But the latent Americans in the group said, “I’m going to the New World!  Sure, I’ll have to spend a few months on a small wooden boat crossing an enormous ocean that wants to kill me, eating a scurvy-licious diet of weevils and hard-tack, and then hopefully landing in neutral-at-best surroundings, with no infrastructure and terrible cell coverage.”

“If we can survive attacks from the scowling bands of hateful Warrens who are rumored to haunt the forests, we’ll still need to get through the deadly winters.  But we’ll pray to our benevolent God to send us some blessed global warming, and we’ll invent something called a hashtag, whatever that is.  And we’ll first deploy it against the confusingly white natives, who will be enraged and disheartened when they begin to see “#wemustneverstopmockingher” carved on many trees in their forests.”

Their slump-shouldered neighbors said, “You’re crazy.  What if you drown, or starve, or get eaten by a grizzly bear, if such a thing exists?”

But the latent Americans said, “What if we don’t? What if we work hard, and improve some firearms, and invent checks and balances and the McCormick Reaper and the Mustang – the airplane and the car, which will both be things, somehow – and real football and Farrah Fawcett?”

 

Just as with nations, it seems that an individual’s default setting can become almost a self-fulfilling prophecy, shaping one’s fate.   The most well-known distillation of the dichotomy is the one about the glass of water that is either half full, or half empty.  The example points out the paradox of these positions: both views are technically correct, and yet ultimately speak to very different realities.

Another famous statement is that, “optimists are more often happy, but pessimists are more often right.” (That sounds like it could have been translated from the original Russian!)

I tend to agree with the first part, but the second part gives away too much: it’s obviously written by a pessimist.  Because the point of the glass of water is that neither of the alternatives is more “right” than the other.

Sometimes the most profound truths are so simple that we lose sight of them.  The water glass example makes a point that you can confirm by looking at your own life: each event or circumstance can accurately be seen as good luck, or bad.

It works as well with my life as with yours.

I was born to relatively poor parents, with no family history of higher education or financial success… but in the richest country in history, at a time when education was more open to common people that it had ever been before.

I chose a profession in academia that takes nearly a decade to complete, and then doesn’t pay very well… which taught me to be frugal, and guarded me against financial complacency.

The job prospects in my field deteriorated further as I was earning my degrees, which meant that I had to patch together a bunch of part time jobs into my mid-30s, and still earn less than my wife was earning… which drove me to look around until I found my first run-down house to buy and rehab and rent out.

Neither of us had jobs with pensions… which made us decide not to flip the houses I rehabbed, but to keep them as rentals.  By the time we retire, those rentals will be paid off, and will give us more income than a pension would have.

I also would never have experienced one of the deepest satisfactions of my working life: the balance between intellectual work and physical work.  Each type has its benefits that complement each other.  The physical work provides tactile feedback when it’s being done right, and tangible accomplishments: drywall hung, taped and mudded; a rotten section of floor replaced by new plywood; a room painted.

The intellectual work tends to produce nothing tangible, but metaphorically seeing a non-tangible lightbulb going on over a student’s head is pretty sweet.  And writing and polishing a column feels like working craftsmanship muscles that aren’t all that different from completing a rehab project.

Also, restoring a house could never help me make a connection with many kind readers all over the country, and no one ever walks into one of my houses and says, “Look at this drywall job!  You’re a hilarious genius!”

In part 2, I’ll argue that optimism is intertwined with conservatism, and pessimism with liberalism, and I’ll try to connect that polarization to the stark political divisions that threaten to tear our country apart.

My Rich Fantasy Life (posted7/13/20)

All of us have our fantasies.

Sometimes they might involve a spirited “Q&A session” with Kayleigh McEnany. Or letting loose one’s Wonder Dog on an armed criminal, like in the exaggeratedly violent scene at the end of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

Or winning a Pulitzer and then rejecting it with a scathing speech about terrible past leftist winners like that racist harridan who won for the error-riddled and hateful “1619 Project,” followed by urinating on the trophy and then stalking off stage, pushing Fredo Cuomo’s face down into his bowl of soup on the way out.

But maybe that’s just me.

I also have a political fantasy: that every powerful elitist would have to live under the policies they foist on others.

It’s a fundamental wish, and harkens back to many religious and secular traditions.  It’s “reap what you sow” and karma, and “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.”

A few examples:

All gun-grabbing politicians or celebrities would immediately have to give up any guns they own, and also their armed security people.  (Picture this: Pelosi is walking unprotected amidst the people, and someone immediately shouts, “AiEEE!  The mummy lives! Get a torch!!”  And then she has to flee the villagers, while trying not to get her skeletal feet and sandals tangled in her burial wrappings.)

All pols who take money from public school teachers’ unions must immediately have their own children yanked out of their cushy private schools and forced into the terrible public schools that those unions subject poor people to.

Every virtue signaling white leftist who advocates hiring people based on discriminating against whites in favor of minorities must immediately be fired and replaced by a minority.  (For extra salt in the wound, make that a conservative-minded minority.)

All who denounce a wall at the border as racist should immediately have the walls, fences and hedges around their property torn down, and a random assortment of illegal aliens installed in their house, at their expense.

All shills for socialism must be forced to show the courage of their convictions by immediately moving to Venezuela and enjoying the intermittent electricity, ubiquitous shortages, and the new Venezuelan diet of shoe leather, feral cat and dandelions, washed down with stagnant puddle water.

Every liberal judge who releases dangerous criminals back into the poor neighborhoods that they prey on must either move to those neighborhoods, or else allow the criminals to move into his or her own spare bedroom. (If the freed criminal is a rapist, the judge must share his/her master bedroom with the poor misunderstood fellow.)

Some of my fantasies are very specific.  (And I don’t mean the one about Kayleigh McEnany, which was just an innocent joke.  And I’m not just saying that because my loving wife will be reading this column.) (Although…)

For example, last week the NY Times published an op-ed arguing that Mount Rushmore must be destroyed and the land it sits on given back to the last Indian tribe who owned it.  (Never mind that that Indian tribe stole it from a previous Indian tribe, who stole it from an earlier tribe, and so on.)

My fantasy: Six minutes later, a secretary buzzes into a meeting of the board directors at the NYT building in Manhattan with this message:  “A bunch of Canarsie Indians are in the lobby.  They say you’ve got 10 minutes to pack up and get out.”

On the bright side, some of my fantasies are starting to come true.

Exhibit A: Democrat Minnesota governor Tim “Castrato” Walz (along with Minneapolis mayor Wussy McPussington) asked the Feds for FEMA bailout money to repair some of the $500 million in damage that was done to Minneapolis during the “peaceful protests” that they allowed to continue.  (Quick reality quiz question: What is one of the essential, defining characteristics of a peaceful protest?  A: It doesn’t cause hundreds of millions of dollars of damage!)

Trump said no.

Good!  I truly feel horrible for the innocent people of Minneapolis and Minnesota, who lost businesses, and whose lives are continually threatened by the thugs and grifters that their elected leaders – coincidentally, another set of thugs and grifters – have given the keys to the city.

But you elected those people.  You elected Ilhan freaking Omar!  (Reality quiz question #2: When your country rescues someone from a jihadi-ridden hellhole, and she repays you by hating your country, and running on a “Let’s turn Minnesota into Somalia” platform, should you elect her?  A: I’m not going to dignify that with a response.)

Exhibit B: Murders in Democrat-run cities who are pushing to abolish the police are skyrocketing, while the blue flu is turning out to be more contagious than the Wu Flu.  (HA!) All of those leftist voters spent the last several decades sowing fecal seeds, and they’re just starting to reap a bumper crop of shite.

Maybe they might be motivated to think about sowing something different in November?

 

Before you can challenge me, the answer is, “Yes, I would be willing to live under the conservative policies I would like to see enacted in the entire country.”  In fact, I could answer “yes” to all of the following questions:

Would I be willing to allow others to send their kids to whatever school they wanted, just like I want to do with mine?

Would I be willing to see the hindrances to starting a business reduced for other people, just like I wanted them reduced for me?

Would I be willing to pay a reasonable and predictable tax rate, knowing that my fellow citizens would too?

Would I acknowledge (and not whine about it) that I might get my stupid arse shot if I attacked and fought with a cop, or broke into someone’s house or business, and that I should be executed if I murder or rape someone?

Would I agree that if I ever try to vandalize or destroy public property, I should expect to be on the received end of a beanbag, rubber bullet or baton vigorously applied to whatever part of my body makes a convenient target?

Would I agree that if a baker or other business owner doesn’t want to make something for me for whatever reason, I should object and take my business elsewhere, rather than run crying to a legislator in a robe to force my ideology on that business?

Would I agree that I am not entitled to elect con artists to take money from other people and give it to me, just because they have more than I do?

Would I agree to be treated equally in all situations, regardless of my race, gender, sexual preference, or creed?

Would I agree that if I illegally entered another country, that nation would have every right to deport me?

Would I agree not to force my religious beliefs or political dogma on other people?

Would I grant other citizens the rights to free speech, even if what they say hurts my tender feelings?

Would I agree not to force others to call me a woman if I’m a biological male, and not to force them to call me an Indian if I’m as white as the dowager princess of Finland.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Would I agree not to take my emotional support wallaby on a freaking airplane, no matter how comforting I find Winston’s company?

Would I react to humor I don’t find funny, and arguments I don’t find convincing, and “art” I find crapulent by ignoring or mocking it, rather than trying to destroy the life and livelihood of its creators?

 

I would challenge all my leftist friends: if you’re not willing to live by the rules you are trying to force on the rest of us … cut it out!

Avenatti/Winston the Emotional Support Wallaby 2020!

Is the Radical Left Allergic to Self-Reflection? (posted 7/10/20)

I saw a funny video recently, in which two British comics play Nazi SS men discussing their war plans.  In the middle of things, one of them points out the skull insignia on their caps and plaintively asks, “Are we the [bad guys]?”  (He actually says “baddies,” but that Anglicism doesn’t hit my American ears right.)

I’ve been thinking about that skit a lot lately.  As the radical left has gotten free reign to act on their impulses over the last six weeks or so – rioting, looting, vandalizing, etc. – I’m surprised that out of the millions of good-hearted Dems that I know are out there, almost none of them have given any public indication that they are considering whether their side has gone terribly wrong.

I know that Trump has his manifest flaws, and we all have reason to bemoan them.  Many of my conservative friends have done a lot of soul searching about to what extent Trump’s weaknesses and deviation from conservative principles trouble them, and might hypothetically prompt them to vote for someone else, if the other side’s offerings weren’t so metaphysically terrible.

But I haven’t seen decent liberals devote any time to public self-scrutiny.  Has watching the arson and violence and pure hatred of America on their television and computer screens really given no Dems even the slightest pause for reflection?  Have none of them begun to wonder, in their heart of hearts, whether they haven’t been becoming the bad guys?

The evidence is certainly easy to see, especially as it pertains to what leftists would usually tout as some of their core virtues.

For example, tolerance is a quality upon which progressives pride themselves.

But have you noticed how, outside of the reddest of red areas, you see tons of pro-Dem/leftist signs in yards, but few pro-Trump or conservative ones?   Granted, Trump’s numbers are down now, and he’s a polarizing character.  But that is clearly not it, because the same was true when the GOP candidates were mushy invertebrates like Mitt Romney and John McCain.  Our country is pretty evenly divided politically, and yet you don’t see as many conservative signs.  And everyone knows why.  “Tolerant” leftists would steal or deface the signs, and maybe do property damage and worse, to houses that displayed them.

The same is true of bumper stickers.  There are a few cars here and there with stickers supporting conservative views or GOP candidates.  But they are far outnumbered by those pushing leftist views and candidates.  Again, everyone understands: your car is much more likely to be vandalized if it’s got Trump or conservative stickers on it.

The same also applies to clothing.  In much of this country, wearing a MAGA hat is the visual equivalent of “fighting words,” and countless videos record the physical and verbal abuse of MAGA gear wearers, many of them elderly.

Conversely, we conservatives dislike many leftist icons and iconography.  But thousands of empty-headed students wear shirts plastered with the faces of socialist mass murders like Che Guevara, Castro, and Chairman Mao, and many trendy hipster doofi decorate their clothes or hovels with non-ironic Communist symbols such as hammers and sickles, red banners with Marxist slogans, and pictures of AOC.

But have you noticed what we DON’T do when confronted with such tangible manifestations of IQ tests failed and bad judgments doubled-down on?  We don’t throw paint on people wearing them, or physically assault them, or steal the symbols or signs and tear them up.  We don’t even scream obscenities in their faces.   (And boy, many of those are the kind of faces that are made for screaming at, even if only in horror and revulsion.)

Or how about statues?   The lefty mobs started by defacing and destroying confederate statues – which was simply Democrat-on-Democrat crime – but quickly moved on to statues of slave-liberating Republicans like Lincoln and Grant.  Which makes a lot of sense, if you ate a lot of lead paint as a child, because you were raised in a crumbling city run entirely by Democrats.

It’s not like there aren’t a lot of statues in this country that are offensive to conservatives.  For example, there is a statue of gay-imprisoning, sadistic violence-enthusiast Che Guevara in Central Park.  There is a bronze bust of genocidally anti-black racist and Planned Parenthood founder Margaret Sanger — I’d call her a Founding Mother of Abortionists if associating her with “motherhood” in any way wasn’t a moral obscenity – in the Smithsonian.

The Smithsonian!  Next to the Simpsonian, one of the most prestigious institutions in our nation!

There is also a 16-foot statue of mass murderer Lenin in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle.   Many racist Democrats of the recent past – William Fullbright and Robert “Sheets” Byrd among them – have statues and public buildings named after them all over the place.

I think I can speak for all conservatives when I say that we are outraged by all of those people and their toxic ideas.  And yet we have somehow resisted the impulse to vandalize or tear down any of those statues.

Another supposedly cherished leftist value is non-violent protesting, in the tradition of MLK.

But consider the nature of the protests over the last two months.  For several weeks in late April and early May, thousands of conservatives protested the lockdown, and the worst that could be said of their behavior is that some protestors openly displayed the guns that they are legally allowed to carry, and a very few outliers had confederate flags.  But on all the metrics that counted – number of shootings, zero; number of buildings burned or looted, zero; attacks on cops or bystanders, zero; property damage and assaults and murders, zero – conservative protestors managed to exercise their constitutional rights without victimizing their fellow citizens and decimating their cities.

The only real criticism that lefties could make of them is that they endangered others with their lack of social distancing.  And boy, did they criticize that!  Accusations of genocidal malice and selfishness filled the airwaves.

However, no one had to tell the lie that the leftist MSM later had to constantly repeat, Baghdad Bob-style, that their side’s protests were “mostly peaceful.”  Because the conservative, anti-lockdown protests were ACTUALLY peaceful.

By contrast, while the leftist “protests” did include some well-intentioned, peaceful protestors (more than a few of whom were political conservatives, who – for the record – also oppose police misconduct), they were marked much more by the widespread violence, theft and property destruction that has cost those Democrat-run cities hundreds of millions of dollars and many ruined lives.  And that’s not to mention the harvest of misery and despair that those cities are going to suffer through in the coming months and years, as everyone who can do so is going to get as far away from those hateful lunatics as they can.

Goodbye law and order, financial flourishing, and functional civil society.  Hello, CHOPistani racial arson and nihilistic leftism, red in tooth and claw.

Leftists also stroke themselves for their moral opposition to racism.  So of course they’ve spent months demonizing white people because of their skin color, and if you say that “all lives matter,” they’ll attack you.  If you say that “all black lives matter,” they’ll howl even louder.  (Remember: more black people were murdered in one Democrat-run city – Chicago – every weekend for the last six weekends than unarmed black people were killed by cops in the entire nation, in the entire year of 2019.   But if you mention that to the bug-eyed Democrat troll doll who runs that city, she’ll say that it’s Trump’s fault and call you a racist.)

Another lefty trope is to express compassion for the severely mentally ill, evident in their eagerness to throw other people’s money at homelessness.  And yet they nominate Joe Biden for president and humiliate him by propping him up in front of cameras in his basement, and having him give short speech-lets that consist of equal parts “in my day” rambling, and “can I buy a vowel” exercises in short-term memory loss.  They don’t even have the decency to include any women with freshly shampooed hair, which is the only thing that gives him pleasure anymore, by taking him back to his glory days in 19-clickety-clack, when he was a young plagiarist and grifter, and female campaign props loved a little fanny grabbing and hair sniffing.

 

Please take some time to reflect, decent leftists.

All over this country, your co-religionists have been running roughshod over the public square, shouting down and canceling people who disagree with you, and defacing and destroying public property.  They’ve attacked cops and other civil servants who were only trying to do their jobs, along with civilians and small business owners and taxpayers who have served your communities and supported you with their tax dollars.  They’ve murdered David Dorn and David Patrick Underwood and many other black people and white people who weren’t doing you any harm.  Every city you control has gotten more embittered with class and racial animosity, and riven with hatred.

Look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: ”Is it possible that we’re the bad guys?”

Because it is, and after the last few months, you are.

Avenatti/ Bug-Eyed Troll Doll 2020!

A Tale of Two Videos (posted /3/20)

For our nation, this looks to be one of the most depressing Independence Days ever.

After a month of peaceful rioting dedicated to the memory of George Floyd and the chance to pick up a big screen tv without paying for it – and also screaming Covid-ridden clouds of spittle and anti-American hatred into the faces of fellow mouth-breathers – our nation’s radical leftists have moved on to denouncing Mount Rushmore, the Paw Patrol cartoon, and white Jesus.

(By the way, if some pale rapper hasn’t adopted the stage name “White Jesus,” I am sorely disappointed in the entire white rapper community.  All eight of them.)

So for big swaths of our country, this will be a downer of a holiday weekend.

But for those of us in the CO nation – optimistic, successful, owners of  Wonder Dogs and marryers-up – we few, we happy few, we band of brothers and sisters — it will be another chance to celebrate our great good fortune to have been born in the greatest country on earth, founded by some flawed humans who were still giants on the political and philosophical stage.

So as I wish you all a Happy Independence Day, I thought I’d share a story that fills me with joy.  You may have already seen it, but if not, prepare for a shot of schadenfreude-tastic pleasure.

Our story begins earlier this week, when recent Harvard graduate Claira Janover posted a video on TikTok.  (Is it a coincidence that her first name is spelled wrong, or another proof of Simpson’s Law of Stupidly Spelled Names™ being a clue to low character? Read on, and decide for yourself.)

I know that I’m not part of her target audience, because I think “TikTok” is the sound a clock makes.  If I remember correctly, that was right between the cow and the duck on my childhood See ’n Say.

But apparently TikTok is also some sort of internet-ty thing that lets thick-headed youngsters share their not share-worthy thoughts.  (You can tell that it’s a new thing, because neither “tick” nor “tock” are spelled correctly, even though they are both one-syllable words.) (Also, get off my lawn.)

So on Monday, brave social justice warrior Claira posted a bombastic video of herself expressing her brilliant political thoughts.  I’ll dissect it below, but if you haven’t seen it already, Google “Harvard grad tiktok video,” and treat yourself.

As she wags her finger in the camera, she says, “The next person who has the sheer nerve, the sheer entitled caucasity (she really hits that made-up word hard) to say ‘all lives matter,’ I’mma stab you.” (Here she mimics making a knife thrust toward the camera, and then repeats it.)   “I’mma a stab you (more aggressive hand gestures here), and while you’re struggling and bleeding out, I’mma show you my paper cut…” and here she holds up her little finger and creates a close-up and speaks with faux sincerity, “…my cut matters too.”

So what do we know about Janover?

  1. She’s a Harvard graduate.
  2. She speaks like a high school dropout.
  3. She’s the kind of nasty piece of work who is completely comfortable with threatening to stab to death anyone who disagrees with her politically.

A few days later, after her video had been widely shared, it came to the attention of the management of Deloitte, a gigantic accounting firm that had hired her for a job that was to start in September.   And because that company apparently frowns upon prospective employees who routinely threaten to murder people, they fired her.

To which the only reasonable response is… HA! HA HA HA!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So a day later, Janover made another video.  And I know that you are probably guessing that in it, she either stuck to her guns defiantly, or else apologized for her repulsive original video.  You would be wrong on both counts.

If you look up the term “crybully” in the dictionary, you should find Janover’s second video.

It opens with her lying on a couch – because this isn’t the 19th century, it is not a fainting couch.  It’s a 21st century whining couch – with a close-up on her tear-streaked face.  Let’s dissect her deliciously clueless drivel.

“Trump supporters just took my job away from me.”

Boom!  Right off the bat, she’s doing the most self-defeating thing she could possibly do: blame other people for her own actions, and their logical and commensurate results.

“I’ve gotten death threats, rape threats, violent threats….”

I will bravely go on the record as being against death threats.  But Sweet Pea, you just got done making a video in which you THREATENED TO STAB PEOPLE TO DEATH AND THEN MOCK THEM AS THEY DIED!  Because they disagree with your hateful politics.

“My entire future is compromised because Trump supporters have decided to come for my life….”  Again, blame others.  Also, you are whining because a bunch of internet trolls are threatening to do to you… exactly what you just threatened to do to Trump supporters!

“I’m too strong for any of you ‘all lives matter’ racist Trump supporters…”

Yes.  Because nothing says “strength” like crying like a toddler who had her pacifier – or in this case, her job offer from Deloitte – taken away.

“It sucks, but it doesn’t suck as much as systemic racism.  I’m not going to stop using my platform to advocate for it.”

Um. Either her grammar is as bad as I think it is, or she just proclaimed that she is going to use her platform to advocate for systemic racism.

She closes by addressing her once-future employer.  “I’m sorry Deloitte that you can’t see that.  That you were cowardice enough to fight somebody who’s going to make an indelible change in the world, and who’s going to have an impact.”

She’s a Harvard graduate, but she thinks that “cowardice” is an adjective.

Also, “making a change” and “having an impact” are bland generalities that tell us nothing.  Attila the Hun and Lenin both made an indelible change in the world, and Ted Bundy and Harvey Weinstein both had an impact.  You poorly educated dolt.

Because we live in upside-down world, a bunch of boneheads have come to Janover’s defense, and sent money to her.  Some young miscreants who either work at Deloitte or are scheduled to have stated their support for this would-be homicidal knife-woman, and started a #firemetoo campaign.

Dear Deloitte management: This is a golden opportunity for you.  Seek out all of the dullard crybullies who have supported “#firemetoo” and grant them their wish.  You will increase your company’s bottom line and median IQ at the same time.

Avenatti/Janover 2020!

 

Happy Independence Day, CO Nation!

Predictions Column (posted 6/24/20)

It’s times like these that I wish I had a podcast, rather than just a humble, written column, because I am cutting quite a dashing figure right now.

I’ll try to paint a word picture.  I’m sitting at my venerable old writing desk – left in this house by the previous owner, for which I am forever grateful – with a glass of scotch to my left.  Cassie the Wonder Dog is curled up on the floor beside the desk.  And I am wearing my purple, pointed wizard hat.  I’m not wearing this awesome hat just because it makes me look like a wise old wizard.

Though that would be reason enough to wear it.

No. Tonight I’ve removed it from its bullet-resistant, climate-controlled, negative-air-flow hat storage unit because I’m in the mood for some prognosticating.  As frequent readers of this column know, this hat gives me uncanny insights into the future, which I will demonstrate now.

I’m focusing my hat-given powers first on three months from now, when I predict the following four things will happen:

1. Seattle’s Lord-of-the-Flies, “let’s let the leftists run a city-within-a-city” experiment CHAZ (or CHOP, or CRAP, or whatever the survivors will be calling it then) is going to be running right along, as smoothly as socialist Venezuela, and socialist Cuba, and the late unlamented socialist Russia, and…

2. As the summer looting season turns to the fall rioting season in the large, Democrat-led cities of our nation, the number of cops who have taken early retirement, or mid-career retirement – or those who have been stricken with SRRS (Sudden Rookie Retirement Syndrome) – will have skyrocketed.

3. Crime rates in those cities will also have mysteriously skyrocketed, and property values will have plummeted. Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon will be baffled.  As they almost always are, though it’s usually a result of them trying to figure out how utensils work, or why the door that says “Pull” won’t open no matter how hard you push it, or why this rectal thermometer tastes so awful.

4. In sports news, Colin Kapernick will still be unable to hit a receiver on a shallow crossing route, but he will still believe that he is not in the NFL because a confederate soldier statue doesn’t like him.

Turning my gaze to one year from now, I see the following:

1. The outflow of productive people – skilled workers, business owners, those who prefer not to dodge syringes and human feces on their way to work – from blue states to lower-tax, productive red states like Tennessee, Texas and Florida will have accelerated.

2. Frustratingly, many leftists with the ability to leave the blue states that their voting habits have turned into unlivable CHOPistans will proceed to vote for the same terrible policies and people in their new homes, slowly turning those red states more purple.  Which, coincidentally, is the same color my face turns when I think about those idiots screwing up the functional states that they seem determined to ruin!

3. There will be no more confederate statues left standing in the country. Also no union statues, Founders’ statues, or statues to nearly anyone who is worth carving a statue for. Among the only statues left in America will be a Bob’s Big Boy mascot in Muncie, Indiana, and the giant MLK statue near the national mall in DC.   But some peaceful rioting leftist idiots will have covered it in obscene graffiti and decapitated it before they realized who it was.  (If the giant head should happen to crush a few of them when it falls, that will be sad.  But we will not have lost any future brain surgeons or rocket scientists.)

4. The Wu flu will be a continuing but minor threat to a small slice of our population (the elderly, the obese, and others with seriously compromised health), but something that we live with as a nation, like the flu. Our panic from March through late summer will be seen as initially justified, but then a wildly destructive over-reaction, fanned in large part by sleazy politics disguised as concern for public health.

5. I predict that after a year of great suffering, many white people will finally rise up against the self-hating white SJW pajama boys and girls who will by then have been saying viciously racist things against anybody with white skin for many years. One of those long-suffering Caucasian-Americans – it might be me, the wizard hat is not completely clear on this – is going to come out of his stately manor into the sunlight. If that man is me, he will be the hero we have all been waiting for.  Because he will have come up with the perfect term of racial abuse for all of those whiny white lefties.

Will that term be based on the insult that some African-Americans use to disparage black people whom they find to be treasonous to other black people – i.e. Uncle Tom – you may ask, if you have some sort of a less powerful wizard hat of your own?  Perhaps a wizard beret, or a wizard beanie?

Yes it will.  Because that great American of the near future – possibly me – will have done empirical research to determine the whitest of all names.  That name, of course, is Chad.

(And don’t try to tell me that there is an African nation ironically named Chad.  I know there is.  But in the first place it’s a ridiculous name for an African nation – Zimbabwe and Ghana cannot keep a straight face every time Chad shows up for a summit meeting — and secondly, nation names aren’t people names.  Duh!)

So during the late summer of 2021, one man with a steely gaze and the firmest of jawlines – the hat is really pointing more and more toward me on this one – will confront a pitiful scrum of pasty grievance-study majors and performance artists who are ineptly trying to pull down the last un-decapitated statue in Washington – the badass equestrian one of Grant near the capitol building.

And he will say, “Nice job, idiots!  Do any of you know who this statue represents?  He was a great union general who helped defeat the slave-holding Democrats and won the Civil War.  I’m ashamed to be the same skin color as you crackers.  Now drop your poorly spelled signs and run back to your mommies’ basements before I give you a cross look.”

They will all hesitate uncertainly before this visionary, who will then shout, “You’re nothing but a bunch of pathetic Uncle Chads!”  And they will flee in terror, marking a turning point for our great nation.

I know: right now “Uncle Chad” sounds goofy.  But like any good running joke, it will grow on you.

Remember the first time you read “#wemustneverstopmocking her,” or “Imhotep Pelosi,” or “Grandma Squanto”?  Not to mention “Plugsy McRovingfingers” or “Wussy McPussington”?

I think you get my point.

 

The hat’s chronological range extends to 30 years from now, when these three things will happen:

1. Biological men who identify as women will still be biological men, and they will still be very unhappy.

2. Ethnic groups who are counting on reparations and government assistance to improve their lot in life will still be living miserably unimproved lives, while those who have resisted the siren call of victimhood and identity politics will be doing quite nicely, thank you.

3. Nancy Pelosi will celebrate her 70th year in congress, representing the smoldering, feces-encrusted ruin formerly known as “California.” She will also celebrate her 2456th  birthday.  When she goes to blow out the candles on her pyramidical birthday cake – designed in honor of her hometown in the Valley of the Kings during the reign of Cheops the Indifferent —  the dust that issues forth from her rictus-grinning maw will extinguish the candles.  And all of the guests in attendance will involuntarily shudder.

 

Even the power of the wizard hat has its limits.  I cannot clearly see who will win in November, but several details are clear amongst the ghosts of elections yet to be:

If Biden wins, I see rising smoke, a collapsing economy, and an army of lying dog-faced pony soldiers using the Bill of Rights as toilet paper.  Also, Biden’s corpse will appoint several far-left Supreme Court justices who hate the constitution and the white males who wrote it, and they will continually legislate a wish-list of poisonous far-left priorities from the bench.

If Trump wins, I see thousands of MSM “journalists” and celebrities and academics racing around shrieking and wetting themselves, until their heads all explode like in that scene at the end of the first Kingsman movie.  Also, Trump will appoint one or two more squishy, alleged originalists, at least one of whom will immediately turn and side with the other mediocrities on the court, and began issuing terrible, unoriginalist, leftist rulings.

Avenatti/ Uncle Chad 2020!

Road Trip, plus more Nauseating Narcissist Celebrities (posted 6/19/20)

I spent the last week traveling.  I drove up to TN to see my mom, sister and brother-in-law, then on up to IL to hang out with some cousins and other family.  The cousins are a diverse bunch politically, but even though several of them hate Trump with a passion, they all have enough sense to be chafing under IL governor Pritzker’s heavy-handed leftist arrogance.  (And so do a lot of their fellow citizens, judging from the number of professionally-made “Pritzker Sucks!” signs I saw in the yards of my old hometown.)  We ate outside at various restaurants – because the Dems who run the state know that we can’t be trusted to eat inside, under a roof and in air conditioning, like citizens of a free and successful nation.

Also, we must not go outside to gather in groups of any size, lest we bring death and destruction to all.

Unless we are engaged in a peaceful leftist riot, of course.  In which case: covid, schmovid

By the way, I just spent 38 seconds looking at the Chicago Sun Times’ list of Chicago Homicides so far in 2020.  The total as of a minute ago – which will probably be added to by the time you finish reading this column – was 268 murders.  In one city, in less than half a year.

In fact, as I write this on June 18th, 74 people have been murdered in Chicago in the 24 days since May 25th, when George Floyd was killed.

The victims’ names are listed along with their race; if their identity is not known, their race is listed as “unknown.”  I took a quick count.  Out of the 74 most recently murdered people, 3 are listed as “white,” 5 are listed as “Hispanic,” 12 are listed as “unknown,” and 54 are listed as “black.”

Quick, name any one of those murdered black citizens.

I know.  It’s almost as if none of those black lives mattered to the entirely Democrat leadership of Chicago.   They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Sorry for such a glum opening, but I’m really disheartened by what’s been happening to my country, and to my old home state.

 

Moving on…

I brought my mom down with me for a visit for this week.  She turns 82 next month, and I’m very grateful that we still have her with us.  She is one half of a great parenting duo, and even though my dad is gone, my sister and I are still in their debt.  (I like to think that my wife and I are also that kind of stellar parenting duo.  But if so, I am at best a metaphorical Scottie Pippen to my wife’s Michael Jordan, parenting-wise.)

Because I was on the road, I saw only a smattering of news, but a few details jumped out at me.

First, a shout out to Washington Post reporter Annie Linskey.

I know, that sounds like I’m setting up a vicious rhetorical take-down.  But I’m serious.  Linskey actually wrote an accurate article about Grandma Squanto, noting that Lizzy Warren recently gave her own pre-tarnished credibility 40 whacks:  “Warren said fundraisers would ‘tear ‘this democracy apart.’ On Monday, she raised $6 million for Joe Biden.” The article includes a few honest shots at the way the Cigar Store Pale-Face (#wemustneverstopmockingher) had mocked high-dollar fundraisers in snazzy wine caves, but then snagged heap-big wampum for Posthumous Plugsy.

I’ve got to give credit where it’s due: good on you, Annie Linskey.  I only hope that this doesn’t mean that your career is as dead as Imhotep Pelosi.

 

Amid all of the new peaceful rioting news, I’ve been depressed to see how the mob’s destructive mania has spread so far, so fast.  They began by tearing down various confederate statues – which, if they were morally consistent they wouldn’t do, since all of those guys were fellow Democrats – but then quickly moved on to Columbus and George Washington, and even (in Europe) Winston Churchill and Robert the Bruce.

Particularly nice call on that last one, geniuses!  Nothing says “stop keeping black people down” like defacing the statue of a Scottish guy who never met a black person in his life.   A life which, by the way, ended a scant 644 years before George Floyd was born.

One tragi-comic moment in the anti-statuary follies came in Portsmouth, VA.  After a pack of peaceful vandals had spent a few hours peacefully attacking some confederate soldier statues, they gently yanked one off its pedestal.   Unfortunately, one of them managed to position himself directly beneath it when it fell, resulting in life-threatening injuries.

I truly do hope that he pulls through and recovers, and lives a long and productive life, during which he looks back and repents the idiocy of his youth.  In the meantime, it’s easy to imagine Darwin shaking his head sadly, saying, “I can’t believe that the last person to fall to a confederate soldier might have been struck down 155 years after a Republican president defeated the Democrats and freed their slaves.”

 

The last bit of news I caught this week was that some empty-headed actors have once again deigned to virtue signal to those of us in the deplorable community.

Back in March, a gaggle of clueless, narcissistic celebrities made a video of themselves singing an insufferable version of the egregious John Lennon song “Imagine.”  (For those of you who discovered this site only recently, please go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com and see my 3/27 column on that artistic atrocity.)  After subjecting myself to that, I’d thought that Hollywood couldn’t possibly sink any lower.  But I was wrong.

This newest moral assault is called “I Take Responsibility,” and if you haven’t seen it yet, lock up your eardrum-and-eyeball-piercing knitting needles and give it a listen.   I’ll wait…

Okay.  That was a 2-minute video.  I know that it seemed like 4 hours, but really.  2 minutes.

Here’s my play-by-play:

 

First 3 seconds: Who is that woman, and where did she get Jiminy Glick’s ridiculous prop-comic glasses?

Next 3 seconds: No, not Aaron Paul!!  I loved that guy in Breaking Bad.

Seconds 7-25: Who are these people?  They’re supposed to be celebrities, right?

Second 26: Aaagh!  I recognize Deborah Messing.  And yikes, has she let herself go!

Second 27: No idea

Seconds 30-33:  Never saw her before.  But “Every time I explained away police brutality?” What?!  You’ve been explaining away police brutality?  You’re kind of a monster, aren’t you?

Seconds 40-45:  That’s the not-as-good-Clarice-Starling from the Hannibal Lector sequel.  What’s she saying?  “Black people are being slaughtered in the streets.  Killed in their own homes.”  Really?  Breonna Taylor was killed in her own home in a tragic and infuriating case of police incompetence and recklessness, and she’s famous because her case was so egregious and rare, and every decent person mourns her death.

But 54 black people were murdered in the last 24 days in one American city, some in their own homes and some “slaughtered in the streets,” mostly by other black people instead of cops.  And you don’t know any of their names, and you couldn’t care less about them, poor man’s Agent Starling.

Seconds 55-1:07:  Stanley Tucci says, “I will no longer allow racist, hurtful words, jokes, stereotypes…to be uttered in my presence.”  You won’t allow it?  What are you going to do, Stan — call a cop?   I’ll bet if those hurtful words were directed against the orange-skinned community, or conservatives, or white folks, Lord Stanley wouldn’t be quite so incensed.  Won’t allow something to be uttered in his presence?  What a blowhard!

Second 109: Aaaah!  Tight-haired, Jiminy Glick lady again.

Seconds 1:11-1:30: This lineup isn’t a “who’s who,” it’s a “who’s that?”  And all of them believe that doing normal, everyday activities “shouldn’t be a death sentence!”  Controversial stance.

Seconds 1:31 – 1:42: Five nobodies “Stand against hate!”  Another brave stance.  Don’t they realize the risk they are taking, going up against the powerful, “We stand WITH hate” lobby?

Second 1:43:  Jessie Pinkman emotes.  He’s against “killer cops.” These people are heroes, I tells ya.  Haven’t they seen the gigantic crowds marching with their “We Support Killer Cops!” signs?!

Good lord.  You’d have to have the stone heart of a falling confederate soldier statue not to laugh at these morons.   And they can’t even memorize a 10-syllable line!  They are reading a teleprompter, and botching it.

Great job, everybody.  You’ve ruined Breaking Bad for me, and if I ever see one of you SJW hacks in a movie, tv show or dinner theatre production of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” you’ve pre-ruined that for me, too.  Watching your preening has made me throw up in my mouth.

Take responsibility for that!

 

Avenatti/Mrs. Jiminy Glick, 2020!

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly over the last several days (posted 6/10/20)

I’m about to take a road trip tomorrow, but before I go, I’ve got a few observations that fall into my favorite categories of the good, the bad and the ugly over the last several days.

Starting with the Ugly first, I saw video of a scene in St. Louis that looked like it might end in real trouble, yet somehow became a terrific NRA ad in the making.

A guy was in a car, trying to get down a street filled with peaceful rioters, about 70 yards from where the police had set up a human barricade to stem the tied of human flotsam—er, peaceful rioters.  Mostly peaceful, says Fredo Cuomo.

Anyway, the pacifistic barbarians seemed on the verge of pulling a Reginald Denny on this guy (Google him if you’re too young for that reference).  They had his car stopped and surrounded, and one Gandhi-like saint was smashing a big metal barrier against it.  Another benevolent thug leaned in through the driver’s side window, and engaged in dialogue with him, through the medium of repeated punches.

Then the driver shot the well-intentioned assaulter with a pistol that he really has no right to or need for, say a bunch of elitist creeps who are surrounded by armed bodyguards at all times.

And then, mirabile dictu, it was like the skies parted.  If by “skies” you mean “crowd of scumbags.”

The peaceful rioters all scattered like peaceful cockroaches, and the guy made a desperate dash away from his car, through a nearby scrum of other peaceful rioters, and up to the police lines, where he turned himself in.  His assailant, who was tragically undead (much like Imhotep Pelosi and the late Joe Biden), was helped into an ambulance.  I don’t know what happened to the driver, but I hope that after they saw the video, the cops released him.  And maybe bought him rounds of drinks.  And ammunition.

 

For the Bad, we go back to Minnesota, where the execrable anti-Semite Ilhan Omar jumped on the “disband the police” dis-bandwagon, and stated her confidence that when the leftist rabble was done burning down the city, they’d be able to “reimagine public safety.”

Because reading actual history and learning from past mistakes is anathema to leftist extremists like Omar, I’m going to assume that she doesn’t know that she is following in the footsteps of the self-righteously naïve blockheads who launched the French Revolution.  When they started their “riot your way to a better nation” plan, they created something called the Committee for Public Safety, which worked out about as well as Omar’s “racially jihad your way to utopia” plan would.

Historical Disclaimer: I’m not saying the French had no legitimate grievances.  Monarchy had to go, and the French royals were a bunch of arrogant jerks who felt like they had the right to rule over and quasi-enslave their beleaguered subjects; think of Gretchen Whitmer, J.B. Pritzger and Andrew Cuomo in powdered wigs.  But the Americans had already shown them how to conduct a proper revolution: stop bowing to kings, stand up for your rights, then conceal yourself in a forest with a Kentucky long rifle and start popping some redcoats until they give up.

Instead, the French were a bunch of utopian leftists who just knew that they could do everything better than everyone before them.  So they tore up the calendar and all laws, andk ransacked churches and put up idols to Reason™ (the 18th century version of the modern left’s Science™ — and their conception of “reason” was as far from actual reason as the modern Left’s conception of “science” is from actual science).   And then they started murdering everyone in sight, starting with royals, but then happily moving on to anyone who disagreed with them.  (Sound familiar?)

Anyway, morbidly obtuse Omar (it’s not just Imhotep Pelosi!) can’t see the end of her imbecilic revolution, and that her Committee for Public Safety is as doomed as Robespierre’s was.

Over the weekend we got a preview of coming attractions in Minneapolis, when the mayor of that town went out to meet with his grateful fellow revolutionaries in the street.  I can’t remember his name, and it’s literally not worth the 15 seconds it would take me to look it up.  So let’s just call him Wussy McPussington, and move on.

This sniveling dope tried to pull a Robespierre a week ago (if Robespierre had identified with one of those French mistress/hookers with the pancake makeup and one of the ridiculous fake moles that were some reason fashionable back then), and came out with a cringingly obsequious statement.  He was ashamed of the racist police and racist America and his evil racist whiteness, and mea culpa and let’s lynch that cop, and I must rend my garments and sit in ashes and take personal responsibility for the bad cop, but not really because I’m super woke, and I’m on your side, and rioting and looting are totally justified.  Then he pulled out a silk 18th-century-French-mistress fan and fanned himself, while waiting for the applause and forgiveness of the peaceful woke rioters.

I may have paraphrased a bit.

“I wonder how that turned out?” you’re not asking yourself, because you already know.

On Sunday he was surrounded by a bunch of arrogant, racist know-nothings who forced another pathetic ritual denunciation of the cops and his own whiteness from him.  Then an ignorant, hateful woman stood over him and demanded this: “Yes or no?  Will you disband the Minneapolis police?”  When even such a spineless invertebrate as that guy couldn’t do something that stupid, the repellent harridan screamed obscenities in his face, and told him to leave.

And the pathetic little man did so: surrounded by a crowd of screaming morons, he slumped his shoulders and slunk away.  It was the most disgusting performance I’ve seen by a politician since Joe Biden told a black audience that Mitt Romney was going to “put y’all back in chains.”

I did get a little very cold comfort from watching the left eat its own.  Even now, I don’t know if the mayor understands the lesson:  Robespierre rose to power as a leader in the leftist mob in 1792.  He began the Reign of Terror – the MSM today would undoubtedly call it “the Mostly Peaceful Reign of Terror” – in 1793.   One year later he was led to the block and had his own head chopped off.

And just like the mayor and his ignominious walk of shame, he had it coming.

Finally, the Good, with a capital “G.”

I have a new hero, and that person is whoever runs the Ace Speedway in Elon, NC.  That fine American genius found a way to deal with power-hungry micromanaging politicians bent on restricting the ability of citizens to escape from what by now is clearly an over-reaction of a shutdown.

That solution?  They put up fliers and signs that said, “This event is held in Peaceful Protest of Injustice and Inequality Everywhere.”  And then they raced some loud American stock cars around a .38 mile track in front of 2000 people!

Excuse me.  I’m not crying, there’s just something in my eye.

Something called pride!

Oh how I love this story!  I’m not a huge racing fan, though my dad took me to Indy as a kid, and our family saw our share of stock car races.   But you don’t have to love racing to appreciate the uber-American act of confronting a bureaucrat bully and outsmarting his attempt to keep you subjected to his irrational whims.

When I first came across this story, I thought that NC must have a GOP governor, so it didn’t make sense that at this late date, he was still trying to lord it over his citizen/employers.  But I quickly realized that he was a Democrat – because none of the first three stories I read identified his political party.  As a general rule, anytime a pol is involved in a scandal or doing something unpopular, if he is a Republican the words “Republican” or “GOP” or “conservative” are mentioned an average of 6.8 times in the first three sentences.  If he is a Democrat, no party identifiers appear, and you are left to wonder whether he might be a Whig, or a Bull Moose party member. (That’s why you have never EVER seen a story starting, “Democrat and genitalia-photography-enthusiast Anthony Weiner…” or “Democrat and degenerate alcoholic Ted Kennedy…”)

Anyway, governor Roy Cooper is a Democrat, and so he is naturally vowing to stop the evil racing fans from repeating their brilliant protest again in the future.  In fact, you may remember him as the small-minded jerk who is trying to sabotage the RNC convention in Charlotte in August, by pretending that the virus necessitates holding it in a Wendy’s bathroom on the edge of town.   Because Science™.

These last several months have given us many instructive ways to differentiate between our two main political parties, but I don’t know if any example is clearer than this one:

When the Left wants to “protest injustice,” they (not all of them, but their alphas and a big plurality of them) do so by assaulting and murdering people (including those whose black lives, it turns out, don’t matter to the Left), burning and vandalizing buildings, looting, and screaming obscenities.

Normal, non-leftist North Carolinians “protest injustice” in their own way, i.e. by flipping off a wanna-be dictator and blasting precisely-engineered, sonically-disruptive avatars of non-toxic masculinity around a track in a death-defying, orgiastic burst of burning rubber, fossil fuel, testosterone and individual competition.

Choose wisely, America!

Avenatti/Wussy McPussington 2020!

 

The Moral Failing of the Left, Exposed (posted 6/8/20)

Everything in our public life has gotten stupid.  But the good news is, it is so plainly stupid that even minimally smart people are able to see the blatant stupidity, so I’m hoping that all of this ignorance coming out into the open will inoculate us against the stupid virus in time for the November election. (By the way, I think that the proper Latin term for the stupid virus is “imbecilus socialismus.”  But I’m no Latino, so I could be wrong.)

I’d like to make an analogy to a witticism that Warren Buffett used to describe the way that tough economic times reveals people’s bad decisions, such as taking on too much debt.    Buffett said, “When the tide goes out, you know who’s been skinny dipping.”

At the risk of triggering everyone’s gag reflex, I’d like to apply that principle to our current political situation, and suggest that the twin crises of the Flu Manchu and the peaceful riots have revealed not the financial bankruptcy (though, that too) but the moral bankruptcy of the left’s pronouncements.

Obviously, I do NOT want to conjure before your minds the prospect of seeing Imhotep Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Joe Biden — or, let’s face it, Cocaine Mitch or Donald Trump – skinny dipping.   In fact, this might be a good time to remind you to put down the knitting needles, ice picks, salad tongs, or any other implements suitable for instinctual, spur-of-the-moment eye-removal.   Also, remember that as I am just a humble contract writer for CO, he is solely responsible for any ocular damage or psychological trauma sustained due to reading any of my columns.  Address your lawsuits to “The Great and Powerful CO, at his Undisclosed Location outside of US territorial waters, beyond the reach of US extradition.”

In the meantime, to help you fight the urge to pick up the knitting needles, let me intervene with a psychological coping technique that I am just now making up.  Imagine Dana Perino, Nikki Haley and Kayleigh McEnany having a policy discussion in the surf at the beach.  And the tide goes out, and they were skinny dipping.   That’s a guided meditation technique I call, “No gag reflex, just giggity.™”  You’re welcome.

(For the women in CO nation who’d like to try this technique, you can imagine, I don’t know… Tucker Carlson, Dan Crenshaw and me?) (On second thought, I’m deeply offended that you can’t overlook my smoking hot body and just appreciate me for my mind, you animals!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah: the moral bankruptcy of our leftist overlords, exposed:

 

Exhibit A.  In a truly sad development, much of our medical establishment have shown themselves to be at least partly a politico-medical establishment, as it is now clear that they have forfeited their medical credibility in service of their political agenda.  The latest evidence comes in a ridiculous statement issued by a group of 1200 “healthcare and medical professionals.”  I wasn’t able to quickly find out who those people were – and it’s not worth more than a quick search, because I’ve got a life to lead over here – but if past experience is any guide, they are probably a handful of actual doctors who know something about medicine, and a ton of “community health experts” with grievance studies degrees.  (Similarly, the consensus of “scientists” who have warned that global warming/freezing/climate change is going to kill us all three weeks from Wednesday turn out to be a small group of people with degrees in relevant fields, accompanied by many hundreds of social science and liberal arts profs, plus Bill Nye the (non-)Science Guy.)

This motley crew actually said that, “We do not condemn these gatherings as risky for COVID-19 transmission.  We support them as vital to the national public health and to the threatened health specifically of Black people in the United States.”  You can tell that they’re serious scientists because they apparently believe that the virus targets black people, like some sort of Chicom sickle cell anemia.

But wait!  There’s more scientizing coming your way:  “This should not be confused with a permissive stance on all gatherings, particularly protests against stay-home orders.”  Of course not.  Because the virus obviously lays in wait in a crowd, until it can tell which cause they are supporting.  Then it either pounces, or else stands down.  Before you dismiss that, consider the rest of the explanations from these frauds: “Those actions [protesting leftist politicians’ oppressive over-reach] not only oppose public health interventions, but are also rooted in white nationalism.”

I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait until their new research can identify which part of the genome “white nationalism” resides in so that we can begin genetic engineering.

These liars were masquerading as scientists, and the tide has gone out and revealed that they have no lab coats.

 

Exhibit B.  Leftist speech police have also been exposed.  For years they’ve argued that “speech is violence,” i.e. expressing a thought that disagrees with them is akin to physically assaulting them.  Conveniently, they’ve also argued that “silence is violence,” i.e. that if you don’t speak up and agree with them – that whites are inherently racist and America inherently evil, for example – you’re also committing violence against them.

So if you say something they disagree with, that’s violence.  And if you don’t say anything, that’s violence.  But you know what is definitely NOT violence?

You’re way ahead of me: actual violence.

That’s right.  Marc Lamont Hill says that the riots “aren’t simply random violence or foolishness… they’re rebellion.”  (He’s right about one thing: they definitely aren’t random.) Nikole Hannah-Jones, author of a fact-free, America-hating “historical” smear-fest which recently won a Pulitzer (of course it did), explained that, “Destroying property, which can be replaced, is not violence.”  The entire MSM has been bending over backwards to insist that these are protests, not riots, and never you mind the burning buildings, and looters, and defaced monuments and property, and cheerfully screamed obscenities.   Who are you going to believe, Fredo Cuomo or your own lyin’ eyes?

Speaking of science, I have a scientific experiment that you should offer to conduct with any willing leftists who pretend to believe that words are violence, while looting isn’t.  Offer this exchange: let them call you a very hurtful name (in my case, they could call me a cracker, or a non-hilarious non-genius, for example), and then you get to steal their purse or wallet, and all of their clothes.  Don’t even leave them a mask to wear, since Science™ tells us that the Wu flu doesn’t affect ideologically pure leftists.  (This would be an especially science-y experiment if you happen to run into Nikole Hannah-Jones.)

Then, as you leave them in the street with no money or clothes, you can share that Buffett quote, and say, “Now that the moral tide has gone out, don’t you feel a little silly?  Also, since your keys are in your purse, I’m going to go to your house and steal your tv and your Pulitzer prize, then burn down the house and drive away in your car.  Because it’s only property.”

 

Exhibit C.  The brilliant demand to get rid of all police.   Because nothing would help the inner cities more than allowing the thugs who have been victimizing them for the last week to continue victimizing them, unopposed, for months or years.  (And yes, the far-left white SJWs who are cheering this on will spend those months and years back in their safe, well-policed suburbs while the inner cities burn, thanks for asking.)

The gun-grabbing left, for the last 30 years:  “No private citizens should be allowed to have guns – that’s only for law enforcement!”

Also the left, for the last 10 days: “Abolish law enforcement!”

The most entertaining iteration of this idiocy happened when a small group of protesters surrounded a guy’s car, but when he got out and stood up to them, several were immediately caught on tape instinctively saying, “Call the cops!”

You cannot make this stuff up.

 

Exhibit D.  The idea that Black Lives Matter actually gives a rat’s Schumer about black lives.   Twenty black people got murdered in Democrat-run Chicago in two weekends, and BLM is silent.  Black cop David Dorn and black security guard David Patrick Underwood are murdered by peaceful looters, and BLM is AWOL.   Thousands of black people are murdered every year (mostly by black criminals), tens of thousands more are aborted, and BLM could not care less.  But THIS has awakened BLM’s moral righteousness?

I’m going to agree with marginal characters like Christ and MLK and say that “all lives matter.”  If you are offended and outraged by that concept, I suggest that you quickly try to cover yourself with your hands, because your moral shortcomings are out in the open.

The moral tide has gone out, people.  Close your eyes and step away from the knitting needles, because what’s on display on the Left is NOT pretty.

Avenatti/ Nikole Hannah-Jones 2020!