Predictions Column (posted 6/24/20)

It’s times like these that I wish I had a podcast, rather than just a humble, written column, because I am cutting quite a dashing figure right now.

I’ll try to paint a word picture.  I’m sitting at my venerable old writing desk – left in this house by the previous owner, for which I am forever grateful – with a glass of scotch to my left.  Cassie the Wonder Dog is curled up on the floor beside the desk.  And I am wearing my purple, pointed wizard hat.  I’m not wearing this awesome hat just because it makes me look like a wise old wizard.

Though that would be reason enough to wear it.

No. Tonight I’ve removed it from its bullet-resistant, climate-controlled, negative-air-flow hat storage unit because I’m in the mood for some prognosticating.  As frequent readers of this column know, this hat gives me uncanny insights into the future, which I will demonstrate now.

I’m focusing my hat-given powers first on three months from now, when I predict the following four things will happen:

1. Seattle’s Lord-of-the-Flies, “let’s let the leftists run a city-within-a-city” experiment CHAZ (or CHOP, or CRAP, or whatever the survivors will be calling it then) is going to be running right along, as smoothly as socialist Venezuela, and socialist Cuba, and the late unlamented socialist Russia, and…

2. As the summer looting season turns to the fall rioting season in the large, Democrat-led cities of our nation, the number of cops who have taken early retirement, or mid-career retirement – or those who have been stricken with SRRS (Sudden Rookie Retirement Syndrome) – will have skyrocketed.

3. Crime rates in those cities will also have mysteriously skyrocketed, and property values will have plummeted. Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon will be baffled.  As they almost always are, though it’s usually a result of them trying to figure out how utensils work, or why the door that says “Pull” won’t open no matter how hard you push it, or why this rectal thermometer tastes so awful.

4. In sports news, Colin Kapernick will still be unable to hit a receiver on a shallow crossing route, but he will still believe that he is not in the NFL because a confederate soldier statue doesn’t like him.

Turning my gaze to one year from now, I see the following:

1. The outflow of productive people – skilled workers, business owners, those who prefer not to dodge syringes and human feces on their way to work – from blue states to lower-tax, productive red states like Tennessee, Texas and Florida will have accelerated.

2. Frustratingly, many leftists with the ability to leave the blue states that their voting habits have turned into unlivable CHOPistans will proceed to vote for the same terrible policies and people in their new homes, slowly turning those red states more purple.  Which, coincidentally, is the same color my face turns when I think about those idiots screwing up the functional states that they seem determined to ruin!

3. There will be no more confederate statues left standing in the country. Also no union statues, Founders’ statues, or statues to nearly anyone who is worth carving a statue for. Among the only statues left in America will be a Bob’s Big Boy mascot in Muncie, Indiana, and the giant MLK statue near the national mall in DC.   But some peaceful rioting leftist idiots will have covered it in obscene graffiti and decapitated it before they realized who it was.  (If the giant head should happen to crush a few of them when it falls, that will be sad.  But we will not have lost any future brain surgeons or rocket scientists.)

4. The Wu flu will be a continuing but minor threat to a small slice of our population (the elderly, the obese, and others with seriously compromised health), but something that we live with as a nation, like the flu. Our panic from March through late summer will be seen as initially justified, but then a wildly destructive over-reaction, fanned in large part by sleazy politics disguised as concern for public health.

5. I predict that after a year of great suffering, many white people will finally rise up against the self-hating white SJW pajama boys and girls who will by then have been saying viciously racist things against anybody with white skin for many years. One of those long-suffering Caucasian-Americans – it might be me, the wizard hat is not completely clear on this – is going to come out of his stately manor into the sunlight. If that man is me, he will be the hero we have all been waiting for.  Because he will have come up with the perfect term of racial abuse for all of those whiny white lefties.

Will that term be based on the insult that some African-Americans use to disparage black people whom they find to be treasonous to other black people – i.e. Uncle Tom – you may ask, if you have some sort of a less powerful wizard hat of your own?  Perhaps a wizard beret, or a wizard beanie?

Yes it will.  Because that great American of the near future – possibly me – will have done empirical research to determine the whitest of all names.  That name, of course, is Chad.

(And don’t try to tell me that there is an African nation ironically named Chad.  I know there is.  But in the first place it’s a ridiculous name for an African nation – Zimbabwe and Ghana cannot keep a straight face every time Chad shows up for a summit meeting — and secondly, nation names aren’t people names.  Duh!)

So during the late summer of 2021, one man with a steely gaze and the firmest of jawlines – the hat is really pointing more and more toward me on this one – will confront a pitiful scrum of pasty grievance-study majors and performance artists who are ineptly trying to pull down the last un-decapitated statue in Washington – the badass equestrian one of Grant near the capitol building.

And he will say, “Nice job, idiots!  Do any of you know who this statue represents?  He was a great union general who helped defeat the slave-holding Democrats and won the Civil War.  I’m ashamed to be the same skin color as you crackers.  Now drop your poorly spelled signs and run back to your mommies’ basements before I give you a cross look.”

They will all hesitate uncertainly before this visionary, who will then shout, “You’re nothing but a bunch of pathetic Uncle Chads!”  And they will flee in terror, marking a turning point for our great nation.

I know: right now “Uncle Chad” sounds goofy.  But like any good running joke, it will grow on you.

Remember the first time you read “#wemustneverstopmocking her,” or “Imhotep Pelosi,” or “Grandma Squanto”?  Not to mention “Plugsy McRovingfingers” or “Wussy McPussington”?

I think you get my point.

 

The hat’s chronological range extends to 30 years from now, when these three things will happen:

1. Biological men who identify as women will still be biological men, and they will still be very unhappy.

2. Ethnic groups who are counting on reparations and government assistance to improve their lot in life will still be living miserably unimproved lives, while those who have resisted the siren call of victimhood and identity politics will be doing quite nicely, thank you.

3. Nancy Pelosi will celebrate her 70th year in congress, representing the smoldering, feces-encrusted ruin formerly known as “California.” She will also celebrate her 2456th  birthday.  When she goes to blow out the candles on her pyramidical birthday cake – designed in honor of her hometown in the Valley of the Kings during the reign of Cheops the Indifferent —  the dust that issues forth from her rictus-grinning maw will extinguish the candles.  And all of the guests in attendance will involuntarily shudder.

 

Even the power of the wizard hat has its limits.  I cannot clearly see who will win in November, but several details are clear amongst the ghosts of elections yet to be:

If Biden wins, I see rising smoke, a collapsing economy, and an army of lying dog-faced pony soldiers using the Bill of Rights as toilet paper.  Also, Biden’s corpse will appoint several far-left Supreme Court justices who hate the constitution and the white males who wrote it, and they will continually legislate a wish-list of poisonous far-left priorities from the bench.

If Trump wins, I see thousands of MSM “journalists” and celebrities and academics racing around shrieking and wetting themselves, until their heads all explode like in that scene at the end of the first Kingsman movie.  Also, Trump will appoint one or two more squishy, alleged originalists, at least one of whom will immediately turn and side with the other mediocrities on the court, and began issuing terrible, unoriginalist, leftist rulings.

Avenatti/ Uncle Chad 2020!

Road Trip, plus more Nauseating Narcissist Celebrities (posted 6/19/20)

I spent the last week traveling.  I drove up to TN to see my mom, sister and brother-in-law, then on up to IL to hang out with some cousins and other family.  The cousins are a diverse bunch politically, but even though several of them hate Trump with a passion, they all have enough sense to be chafing under IL governor Pritzker’s heavy-handed leftist arrogance.  (And so do a lot of their fellow citizens, judging from the number of professionally-made “Pritzker Sucks!” signs I saw in the yards of my old hometown.)  We ate outside at various restaurants – because the Dems who run the state know that we can’t be trusted to eat inside, under a roof and in air conditioning, like citizens of a free and successful nation.

Also, we must not go outside to gather in groups of any size, lest we bring death and destruction to all.

Unless we are engaged in a peaceful leftist riot, of course.  In which case: covid, schmovid

By the way, I just spent 38 seconds looking at the Chicago Sun Times’ list of Chicago Homicides so far in 2020.  The total as of a minute ago – which will probably be added to by the time you finish reading this column – was 268 murders.  In one city, in less than half a year.

In fact, as I write this on June 18th, 74 people have been murdered in Chicago in the 24 days since May 25th, when George Floyd was killed.

The victims’ names are listed along with their race; if their identity is not known, their race is listed as “unknown.”  I took a quick count.  Out of the 74 most recently murdered people, 3 are listed as “white,” 5 are listed as “Hispanic,” 12 are listed as “unknown,” and 54 are listed as “black.”

Quick, name any one of those murdered black citizens.

I know.  It’s almost as if none of those black lives mattered to the entirely Democrat leadership of Chicago.   They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

Sorry for such a glum opening, but I’m really disheartened by what’s been happening to my country, and to my old home state.

 

Moving on…

I brought my mom down with me for a visit for this week.  She turns 82 next month, and I’m very grateful that we still have her with us.  She is one half of a great parenting duo, and even though my dad is gone, my sister and I are still in their debt.  (I like to think that my wife and I are also that kind of stellar parenting duo.  But if so, I am at best a metaphorical Scottie Pippen to my wife’s Michael Jordan, parenting-wise.)

Because I was on the road, I saw only a smattering of news, but a few details jumped out at me.

First, a shout out to Washington Post reporter Annie Linskey.

I know, that sounds like I’m setting up a vicious rhetorical take-down.  But I’m serious.  Linskey actually wrote an accurate article about Grandma Squanto, noting that Lizzy Warren recently gave her own pre-tarnished credibility 40 whacks:  “Warren said fundraisers would ‘tear ‘this democracy apart.’ On Monday, she raised $6 million for Joe Biden.” The article includes a few honest shots at the way the Cigar Store Pale-Face (#wemustneverstopmockingher) had mocked high-dollar fundraisers in snazzy wine caves, but then snagged heap-big wampum for Posthumous Plugsy.

I’ve got to give credit where it’s due: good on you, Annie Linskey.  I only hope that this doesn’t mean that your career is as dead as Imhotep Pelosi.

 

Amid all of the new peaceful rioting news, I’ve been depressed to see how the mob’s destructive mania has spread so far, so fast.  They began by tearing down various confederate statues – which, if they were morally consistent they wouldn’t do, since all of those guys were fellow Democrats – but then quickly moved on to Columbus and George Washington, and even (in Europe) Winston Churchill and Robert the Bruce.

Particularly nice call on that last one, geniuses!  Nothing says “stop keeping black people down” like defacing the statue of a Scottish guy who never met a black person in his life.   A life which, by the way, ended a scant 644 years before George Floyd was born.

One tragi-comic moment in the anti-statuary follies came in Portsmouth, VA.  After a pack of peaceful vandals had spent a few hours peacefully attacking some confederate soldier statues, they gently yanked one off its pedestal.   Unfortunately, one of them managed to position himself directly beneath it when it fell, resulting in life-threatening injuries.

I truly do hope that he pulls through and recovers, and lives a long and productive life, during which he looks back and repents the idiocy of his youth.  In the meantime, it’s easy to imagine Darwin shaking his head sadly, saying, “I can’t believe that the last person to fall to a confederate soldier might have been struck down 155 years after a Republican president defeated the Democrats and freed their slaves.”

 

The last bit of news I caught this week was that some empty-headed actors have once again deigned to virtue signal to those of us in the deplorable community.

Back in March, a gaggle of clueless, narcissistic celebrities made a video of themselves singing an insufferable version of the egregious John Lennon song “Imagine.”  (For those of you who discovered this site only recently, please go to Martinsimpsonwriting.com and see my 3/27 column on that artistic atrocity.)  After subjecting myself to that, I’d thought that Hollywood couldn’t possibly sink any lower.  But I was wrong.

This newest moral assault is called “I Take Responsibility,” and if you haven’t seen it yet, lock up your eardrum-and-eyeball-piercing knitting needles and give it a listen.   I’ll wait…

Okay.  That was a 2-minute video.  I know that it seemed like 4 hours, but really.  2 minutes.

Here’s my play-by-play:

 

First 3 seconds: Who is that woman, and where did she get Jiminy Glick’s ridiculous prop-comic glasses?

Next 3 seconds: No, not Aaron Paul!!  I loved that guy in Breaking Bad.

Seconds 7-25: Who are these people?  They’re supposed to be celebrities, right?

Second 26: Aaagh!  I recognize Deborah Messing.  And yikes, has she let herself go!

Second 27: No idea

Seconds 30-33:  Never saw her before.  But “Every time I explained away police brutality?” What?!  You’ve been explaining away police brutality?  You’re kind of a monster, aren’t you?

Seconds 40-45:  That’s the not-as-good-Clarice-Starling from the Hannibal Lector sequel.  What’s she saying?  “Black people are being slaughtered in the streets.  Killed in their own homes.”  Really?  Breonna Taylor was killed in her own home in a tragic and infuriating case of police incompetence and recklessness, and she’s famous because her case was so egregious and rare, and every decent person mourns her death.

But 54 black people were murdered in the last 24 days in one American city, some in their own homes and some “slaughtered in the streets,” mostly by other black people instead of cops.  And you don’t know any of their names, and you couldn’t care less about them, poor man’s Agent Starling.

Seconds 55-1:07:  Stanley Tucci says, “I will no longer allow racist, hurtful words, jokes, stereotypes…to be uttered in my presence.”  You won’t allow it?  What are you going to do, Stan — call a cop?   I’ll bet if those hurtful words were directed against the orange-skinned community, or conservatives, or white folks, Lord Stanley wouldn’t be quite so incensed.  Won’t allow something to be uttered in his presence?  What a blowhard!

Second 109: Aaaah!  Tight-haired, Jiminy Glick lady again.

Seconds 1:11-1:30: This lineup isn’t a “who’s who,” it’s a “who’s that?”  And all of them believe that doing normal, everyday activities “shouldn’t be a death sentence!”  Controversial stance.

Seconds 1:31 – 1:42: Five nobodies “Stand against hate!”  Another brave stance.  Don’t they realize the risk they are taking, going up against the powerful, “We stand WITH hate” lobby?

Second 1:43:  Jessie Pinkman emotes.  He’s against “killer cops.” These people are heroes, I tells ya.  Haven’t they seen the gigantic crowds marching with their “We Support Killer Cops!” signs?!

Good lord.  You’d have to have the stone heart of a falling confederate soldier statue not to laugh at these morons.   And they can’t even memorize a 10-syllable line!  They are reading a teleprompter, and botching it.

Great job, everybody.  You’ve ruined Breaking Bad for me, and if I ever see one of you SJW hacks in a movie, tv show or dinner theatre production of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” you’ve pre-ruined that for me, too.  Watching your preening has made me throw up in my mouth.

Take responsibility for that!

 

Avenatti/Mrs. Jiminy Glick, 2020!

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly over the last several days (posted 6/10/20)

I’m about to take a road trip tomorrow, but before I go, I’ve got a few observations that fall into my favorite categories of the good, the bad and the ugly over the last several days.

Starting with the Ugly first, I saw video of a scene in St. Louis that looked like it might end in real trouble, yet somehow became a terrific NRA ad in the making.

A guy was in a car, trying to get down a street filled with peaceful rioters, about 70 yards from where the police had set up a human barricade to stem the tied of human flotsam—er, peaceful rioters.  Mostly peaceful, says Fredo Cuomo.

Anyway, the pacifistic barbarians seemed on the verge of pulling a Reginald Denny on this guy (Google him if you’re too young for that reference).  They had his car stopped and surrounded, and one Gandhi-like saint was smashing a big metal barrier against it.  Another benevolent thug leaned in through the driver’s side window, and engaged in dialogue with him, through the medium of repeated punches.

Then the driver shot the well-intentioned assaulter with a pistol that he really has no right to or need for, say a bunch of elitist creeps who are surrounded by armed bodyguards at all times.

And then, mirabile dictu, it was like the skies parted.  If by “skies” you mean “crowd of scumbags.”

The peaceful rioters all scattered like peaceful cockroaches, and the guy made a desperate dash away from his car, through a nearby scrum of other peaceful rioters, and up to the police lines, where he turned himself in.  His assailant, who was tragically undead (much like Imhotep Pelosi and the late Joe Biden), was helped into an ambulance.  I don’t know what happened to the driver, but I hope that after they saw the video, the cops released him.  And maybe bought him rounds of drinks.  And ammunition.

 

For the Bad, we go back to Minnesota, where the execrable anti-Semite Ilhan Omar jumped on the “disband the police” dis-bandwagon, and stated her confidence that when the leftist rabble was done burning down the city, they’d be able to “reimagine public safety.”

Because reading actual history and learning from past mistakes is anathema to leftist extremists like Omar, I’m going to assume that she doesn’t know that she is following in the footsteps of the self-righteously naïve blockheads who launched the French Revolution.  When they started their “riot your way to a better nation” plan, they created something called the Committee for Public Safety, which worked out about as well as Omar’s “racially jihad your way to utopia” plan would.

Historical Disclaimer: I’m not saying the French had no legitimate grievances.  Monarchy had to go, and the French royals were a bunch of arrogant jerks who felt like they had the right to rule over and quasi-enslave their beleaguered subjects; think of Gretchen Whitmer, J.B. Pritzger and Andrew Cuomo in powdered wigs.  But the Americans had already shown them how to conduct a proper revolution: stop bowing to kings, stand up for your rights, then conceal yourself in a forest with a Kentucky long rifle and start popping some redcoats until they give up.

Instead, the French were a bunch of utopian leftists who just knew that they could do everything better than everyone before them.  So they tore up the calendar and all laws, andk ransacked churches and put up idols to Reason™ (the 18th century version of the modern left’s Science™ — and their conception of “reason” was as far from actual reason as the modern Left’s conception of “science” is from actual science).   And then they started murdering everyone in sight, starting with royals, but then happily moving on to anyone who disagreed with them.  (Sound familiar?)

Anyway, morbidly obtuse Omar (it’s not just Imhotep Pelosi!) can’t see the end of her imbecilic revolution, and that her Committee for Public Safety is as doomed as Robespierre’s was.

Over the weekend we got a preview of coming attractions in Minneapolis, when the mayor of that town went out to meet with his grateful fellow revolutionaries in the street.  I can’t remember his name, and it’s literally not worth the 15 seconds it would take me to look it up.  So let’s just call him Wussy McPussington, and move on.

This sniveling dope tried to pull a Robespierre a week ago (if Robespierre had identified with one of those French mistress/hookers with the pancake makeup and one of the ridiculous fake moles that were some reason fashionable back then), and came out with a cringingly obsequious statement.  He was ashamed of the racist police and racist America and his evil racist whiteness, and mea culpa and let’s lynch that cop, and I must rend my garments and sit in ashes and take personal responsibility for the bad cop, but not really because I’m super woke, and I’m on your side, and rioting and looting are totally justified.  Then he pulled out a silk 18th-century-French-mistress fan and fanned himself, while waiting for the applause and forgiveness of the peaceful woke rioters.

I may have paraphrased a bit.

“I wonder how that turned out?” you’re not asking yourself, because you already know.

On Sunday he was surrounded by a bunch of arrogant, racist know-nothings who forced another pathetic ritual denunciation of the cops and his own whiteness from him.  Then an ignorant, hateful woman stood over him and demanded this: “Yes or no?  Will you disband the Minneapolis police?”  When even such a spineless invertebrate as that guy couldn’t do something that stupid, the repellent harridan screamed obscenities in his face, and told him to leave.

And the pathetic little man did so: surrounded by a crowd of screaming morons, he slumped his shoulders and slunk away.  It was the most disgusting performance I’ve seen by a politician since Joe Biden told a black audience that Mitt Romney was going to “put y’all back in chains.”

I did get a little very cold comfort from watching the left eat its own.  Even now, I don’t know if the mayor understands the lesson:  Robespierre rose to power as a leader in the leftist mob in 1792.  He began the Reign of Terror – the MSM today would undoubtedly call it “the Mostly Peaceful Reign of Terror” – in 1793.   One year later he was led to the block and had his own head chopped off.

And just like the mayor and his ignominious walk of shame, he had it coming.

Finally, the Good, with a capital “G.”

I have a new hero, and that person is whoever runs the Ace Speedway in Elon, NC.  That fine American genius found a way to deal with power-hungry micromanaging politicians bent on restricting the ability of citizens to escape from what by now is clearly an over-reaction of a shutdown.

That solution?  They put up fliers and signs that said, “This event is held in Peaceful Protest of Injustice and Inequality Everywhere.”  And then they raced some loud American stock cars around a .38 mile track in front of 2000 people!

Excuse me.  I’m not crying, there’s just something in my eye.

Something called pride!

Oh how I love this story!  I’m not a huge racing fan, though my dad took me to Indy as a kid, and our family saw our share of stock car races.   But you don’t have to love racing to appreciate the uber-American act of confronting a bureaucrat bully and outsmarting his attempt to keep you subjected to his irrational whims.

When I first came across this story, I thought that NC must have a GOP governor, so it didn’t make sense that at this late date, he was still trying to lord it over his citizen/employers.  But I quickly realized that he was a Democrat – because none of the first three stories I read identified his political party.  As a general rule, anytime a pol is involved in a scandal or doing something unpopular, if he is a Republican the words “Republican” or “GOP” or “conservative” are mentioned an average of 6.8 times in the first three sentences.  If he is a Democrat, no party identifiers appear, and you are left to wonder whether he might be a Whig, or a Bull Moose party member. (That’s why you have never EVER seen a story starting, “Democrat and genitalia-photography-enthusiast Anthony Weiner…” or “Democrat and degenerate alcoholic Ted Kennedy…”)

Anyway, governor Roy Cooper is a Democrat, and so he is naturally vowing to stop the evil racing fans from repeating their brilliant protest again in the future.  In fact, you may remember him as the small-minded jerk who is trying to sabotage the RNC convention in Charlotte in August, by pretending that the virus necessitates holding it in a Wendy’s bathroom on the edge of town.   Because Science™.

These last several months have given us many instructive ways to differentiate between our two main political parties, but I don’t know if any example is clearer than this one:

When the Left wants to “protest injustice,” they (not all of them, but their alphas and a big plurality of them) do so by assaulting and murdering people (including those whose black lives, it turns out, don’t matter to the Left), burning and vandalizing buildings, looting, and screaming obscenities.

Normal, non-leftist North Carolinians “protest injustice” in their own way, i.e. by flipping off a wanna-be dictator and blasting precisely-engineered, sonically-disruptive avatars of non-toxic masculinity around a track in a death-defying, orgiastic burst of burning rubber, fossil fuel, testosterone and individual competition.

Choose wisely, America!

Avenatti/Wussy McPussington 2020!

 

The Moral Failing of the Left, Exposed (posted 6/8/20)

Everything in our public life has gotten stupid.  But the good news is, it is so plainly stupid that even minimally smart people are able to see the blatant stupidity, so I’m hoping that all of this ignorance coming out into the open will inoculate us against the stupid virus in time for the November election. (By the way, I think that the proper Latin term for the stupid virus is “imbecilus socialismus.”  But I’m no Latino, so I could be wrong.)

I’d like to make an analogy to a witticism that Warren Buffett used to describe the way that tough economic times reveals people’s bad decisions, such as taking on too much debt.    Buffett said, “When the tide goes out, you know who’s been skinny dipping.”

At the risk of triggering everyone’s gag reflex, I’d like to apply that principle to our current political situation, and suggest that the twin crises of the Flu Manchu and the peaceful riots have revealed not the financial bankruptcy (though, that too) but the moral bankruptcy of the left’s pronouncements.

Obviously, I do NOT want to conjure before your minds the prospect of seeing Imhotep Pelosi, Adam Schiff, Joe Biden — or, let’s face it, Cocaine Mitch or Donald Trump – skinny dipping.   In fact, this might be a good time to remind you to put down the knitting needles, ice picks, salad tongs, or any other implements suitable for instinctual, spur-of-the-moment eye-removal.   Also, remember that as I am just a humble contract writer for CO, he is solely responsible for any ocular damage or psychological trauma sustained due to reading any of my columns.  Address your lawsuits to “The Great and Powerful CO, at his Undisclosed Location outside of US territorial waters, beyond the reach of US extradition.”

In the meantime, to help you fight the urge to pick up the knitting needles, let me intervene with a psychological coping technique that I am just now making up.  Imagine Dana Perino, Nikki Haley and Kayleigh McEnany having a policy discussion in the surf at the beach.  And the tide goes out, and they were skinny dipping.   That’s a guided meditation technique I call, “No gag reflex, just giggity.™”  You’re welcome.

(For the women in CO nation who’d like to try this technique, you can imagine, I don’t know… Tucker Carlson, Dan Crenshaw and me?) (On second thought, I’m deeply offended that you can’t overlook my smoking hot body and just appreciate me for my mind, you animals!)

Where was I?  Oh yeah: the moral bankruptcy of our leftist overlords, exposed:

 

Exhibit A.  In a truly sad development, much of our medical establishment have shown themselves to be at least partly a politico-medical establishment, as it is now clear that they have forfeited their medical credibility in service of their political agenda.  The latest evidence comes in a ridiculous statement issued by a group of 1200 “healthcare and medical professionals.”  I wasn’t able to quickly find out who those people were – and it’s not worth more than a quick search, because I’ve got a life to lead over here – but if past experience is any guide, they are probably a handful of actual doctors who know something about medicine, and a ton of “community health experts” with grievance studies degrees.  (Similarly, the consensus of “scientists” who have warned that global warming/freezing/climate change is going to kill us all three weeks from Wednesday turn out to be a small group of people with degrees in relevant fields, accompanied by many hundreds of social science and liberal arts profs, plus Bill Nye the (non-)Science Guy.)

This motley crew actually said that, “We do not condemn these gatherings as risky for COVID-19 transmission.  We support them as vital to the national public health and to the threatened health specifically of Black people in the United States.”  You can tell that they’re serious scientists because they apparently believe that the virus targets black people, like some sort of Chicom sickle cell anemia.

But wait!  There’s more scientizing coming your way:  “This should not be confused with a permissive stance on all gatherings, particularly protests against stay-home orders.”  Of course not.  Because the virus obviously lays in wait in a crowd, until it can tell which cause they are supporting.  Then it either pounces, or else stands down.  Before you dismiss that, consider the rest of the explanations from these frauds: “Those actions [protesting leftist politicians’ oppressive over-reach] not only oppose public health interventions, but are also rooted in white nationalism.”

I don’t know about you, but I cannot wait until their new research can identify which part of the genome “white nationalism” resides in so that we can begin genetic engineering.

These liars were masquerading as scientists, and the tide has gone out and revealed that they have no lab coats.

 

Exhibit B.  Leftist speech police have also been exposed.  For years they’ve argued that “speech is violence,” i.e. expressing a thought that disagrees with them is akin to physically assaulting them.  Conveniently, they’ve also argued that “silence is violence,” i.e. that if you don’t speak up and agree with them – that whites are inherently racist and America inherently evil, for example – you’re also committing violence against them.

So if you say something they disagree with, that’s violence.  And if you don’t say anything, that’s violence.  But you know what is definitely NOT violence?

You’re way ahead of me: actual violence.

That’s right.  Marc Lamont Hill says that the riots “aren’t simply random violence or foolishness… they’re rebellion.”  (He’s right about one thing: they definitely aren’t random.) Nikole Hannah-Jones, author of a fact-free, America-hating “historical” smear-fest which recently won a Pulitzer (of course it did), explained that, “Destroying property, which can be replaced, is not violence.”  The entire MSM has been bending over backwards to insist that these are protests, not riots, and never you mind the burning buildings, and looters, and defaced monuments and property, and cheerfully screamed obscenities.   Who are you going to believe, Fredo Cuomo or your own lyin’ eyes?

Speaking of science, I have a scientific experiment that you should offer to conduct with any willing leftists who pretend to believe that words are violence, while looting isn’t.  Offer this exchange: let them call you a very hurtful name (in my case, they could call me a cracker, or a non-hilarious non-genius, for example), and then you get to steal their purse or wallet, and all of their clothes.  Don’t even leave them a mask to wear, since Science™ tells us that the Wu flu doesn’t affect ideologically pure leftists.  (This would be an especially science-y experiment if you happen to run into Nikole Hannah-Jones.)

Then, as you leave them in the street with no money or clothes, you can share that Buffett quote, and say, “Now that the moral tide has gone out, don’t you feel a little silly?  Also, since your keys are in your purse, I’m going to go to your house and steal your tv and your Pulitzer prize, then burn down the house and drive away in your car.  Because it’s only property.”

 

Exhibit C.  The brilliant demand to get rid of all police.   Because nothing would help the inner cities more than allowing the thugs who have been victimizing them for the last week to continue victimizing them, unopposed, for months or years.  (And yes, the far-left white SJWs who are cheering this on will spend those months and years back in their safe, well-policed suburbs while the inner cities burn, thanks for asking.)

The gun-grabbing left, for the last 30 years:  “No private citizens should be allowed to have guns – that’s only for law enforcement!”

Also the left, for the last 10 days: “Abolish law enforcement!”

The most entertaining iteration of this idiocy happened when a small group of protesters surrounded a guy’s car, but when he got out and stood up to them, several were immediately caught on tape instinctively saying, “Call the cops!”

You cannot make this stuff up.

 

Exhibit D.  The idea that Black Lives Matter actually gives a rat’s Schumer about black lives.   Twenty black people got murdered in Democrat-run Chicago in two weekends, and BLM is silent.  Black cop David Dorn and black security guard David Patrick Underwood are murdered by peaceful looters, and BLM is AWOL.   Thousands of black people are murdered every year (mostly by black criminals), tens of thousands more are aborted, and BLM could not care less.  But THIS has awakened BLM’s moral righteousness?

I’m going to agree with marginal characters like Christ and MLK and say that “all lives matter.”  If you are offended and outraged by that concept, I suggest that you quickly try to cover yourself with your hands, because your moral shortcomings are out in the open.

The moral tide has gone out, people.  Close your eyes and step away from the knitting needles, because what’s on display on the Left is NOT pretty.

Avenatti/ Nikole Hannah-Jones 2020!

Stupid or Liar, & Biden’s Tips on Firearm use (posted 6/3/20)

I’m still working on a few columns with some thoughts on optimism vs. pessimism.  But in the meantime, I’m blowing off a little steam with some thoughts on some leftist bad actors from the last four days…

Let’s start today with a quick round of “Stupid or Liar?”   Invented by Adam Carolla, this bit involves considering a ridiculous statement by a public figure and trying to decide whether that person is stupid enough to believe that statement, or just a creepy liar.

First player: Ali Velshi – which sounds like a delicious, exotic Middle Eastern dish, but is sadly just a hack MSNBC reporter.  He did a live shot over the weekend from Minneapolis, during which he had the “protestors, not rioters” leftist party line down pat, saying, “I want to be clear on how I characterize this.  This is mostly a protest. It is not, generally speaking, unruly…”  As these words were coming out of his mouth, he was standing in front of a raging fire destroying several buildings, and he had just mentioned that he could see four fires (one in a police station) from where he stood.

Ali Velshi: Stupid or Liar?  (“Succulent entre that goes well with hummus” has been removed from your quiz choices.)

 

Second player: “Worst Governor Ever” contestant Gretchen Whitmer.  Until 10 minutes ago, Michiganders had to stay in their houses until after the election to avoid the deadly reach of the Trump virus.

Cut to yesterday, when Whitmer said that in the wake of George Floyd’s death (and considering that fanning flames of racial hatred will help her nihilistic party in November), she is “encouraging communities across Michigan to designate areas for peaceful demonstrations.”  Got that?  If you’re a law-abiding citizen trying to work and take care of your family and pay taxes, stepping out of your house means that you’re a selfish monster who wants to KILL US ALL!  But if you want to steal a bunch of stuff that you aren’t willing to work and pay for, feel free to create a kleptomaniacal conga line and scream spittle-producing slogans into each other’s faces.

Old Whitmer motto: Covid – Destroyer of Humanity!   New Whitmer motto: Covid, schmovid.

Gretchen Whitmer: Stupid or Liar?

 

Third player: Leftist imbecile and ex-ESPN writer Chris Palmer.  On May 28th, Palmer tweeted a pic of a Minneapolis public housing building on fire, writing, “Burn that s**t down.  Burn it all down.” Two days later, the peaceful protesters started bringing their arson-y ways to pricey Rodeo Drive.  It turns out that Palmer is something of a pampered little rich wuss who happens to live there.  So did he tweet out his support for his rioting buddies, and drop a Molotov cocktail onto the silk sheets on his king-size bed in his spacious master bedroom with the tray ceilings to start the Rodeo Revolution?

Spoiler alert: he did not.

In fact, he tweeted, “I’m as down for the cause as anybody…. [But] trying to loot Rodeo Drive is probably the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. I’m as angry as everyone else. But keep that s**t in [downtown] LA.”  When the peace-loving civil rights activists got closer, Princess Palmer panicked.  “[They] destroyed a Starbucks and are now in front of my building. Get these animals the f**k out of my neighborhood.”

Who are you calling “animals,” Chrissy?  And who are you asking to remove them for you?  It couldn’t be the brutal, racist cops, could it?  Because you are down for the cause, right?

Chris Palmer: Stupid or Liar?’

Please submit your answers in the Comments section below!

 

I want to close with the continuing adventures of the Dearly Departed Joe Biden (born in 19-clickety-clack, died in 2019).

On Monday, ol’ Joe escaped his handlers and ended up in a Delaware Bethel AME church (in this case, “AME” stands for “addled and mentally elsewhere”), where he waxed eloquent with his ideas of how the cops should be doing their jobs – ideas drawn from his zero years of being a cop.

(But he did watch a lot of “Car 54 Where Are You,” “Mannix,” and that one where the detective was that fat guy.  Quincy too, that was another one, where Klugman looks like he’s examining a dead body, but then the camera pulls back and you see that she’s a cute blonde in a bikini? Mmmm, I’d like to sniff her hair and creep her out, and that’s no malarkey!  Oh, Frank Cannon.  That was the fat detective.  I bet he could wrap his arms around Corn Pop and squeeze him until he passed out.  Rockford Files was a good one too.  I wonder what Jill is making for lunch?)

Sorry about that.  I wrote this column with my wizard hat on, and it temporarily gave me direct access to Joe Biden’s interior monologue.  (There’s more sound of wind and rolling tumbleweeds in there than you might expect.) (Or, maybe, just as much as you might expect.)

Back to Biden, and this quote of his, which I swear to you on the life of Cassie the Wonder dog I am not making up: “Instead of standing there and teaching a cop when there’s an unarmed person comin’ at ’em with a knife or something to shoot ’em in the leg instead of the heart is a very different thing.”

There is a lot of nonsense in that non-sentence.

First, he describes “an unarmed person” coming at a cop with “a knife or something.”  Ummmm.  Do you think that Joe might think that “unarmed” means a guy without arms, maybe from a birth defect, or an industrial accident?  But then how would he carry the knife?  Not to mention the “something?”

Second, if Joe were choosing body parts to target when dealing with these gutless looters, why not advise the cops to aim for the groin?  (Ladies and gentlemen, insert your own “aim small, miss small” joke here.  Hat tip to Mel Gibson in The Patriot.)

Third, it’s something of a common trope for people who have never seen combat or served in the military or been in a police force — or been attacked by another person, or ever fired a gun — to fantasize about how they would handle a split-second, high-stakes decision.   In the real world, a masked member of the Democrat voting base is sprinting toward you, screaming obscenities and threats – as one does when one is deeply committed to mourning the death of George Floyd – and his flying spittle might contain covid, and also rabies, and probably an alphabet soup of STDs.  Plus he’s got that knife in one hand and that something in the other!

In that same real world, you’d try to clear the holster in time, and aim for center mass.

But in the fantasy world of Walter Mitty Biden, you’ve got all the time in the world.  You’re like one of those snipers in a church steeple in a WWII movie.  You watch the charging maniac calmly, while you lick your thumb, and use it to click the screw on the top of your scope to adjust for windage and elevation.  Then you center the crosshairs on the miscreant’s leg and fire a shot that misses the bone and all major blood vessels, and brings him peacefully to the ground.  He looks up at you in gratitude, as you help him back to his feet, and tell him that you share his commitment to fight the vicious, systemic racism that has made America such a Mordor-ian hellscape.

The end.

Good lord, I think that wizard hat damaged some of my synapses by putting me in Biden’s headspace, even for a few seconds!

Anyway, why would anyone take firearms advice from Plugsy McRovingfingers?  Back in 2013, when he could still fog a mirror, Biden advised people to use shotguns.  He told a young questioner, “if you want to protect yourself, get a double barreled shotgun…. I promise you, as I told my wife, we live in an area that’s wooded and somewhat secluded. I said, Jill, if there’s ever a problem, just walk out on the balcony here, walk out, put [up] that double barreled shotgun and fire two blasts outside the house.”

So I guess if the cops were listening to Biden, they’d be carrying shotguns?  In which case, I’d like to witness them using his aiming strategy.  I’d stand well clear of the rioting thug, while a cop fired a double-barreled shotgun at his leg.  Then I’d play my sad trombone – which I never leave home without, especially when I’m going to a riot — as the surprised would-be murderer slowly canted to one side, and then fell in the direction of the leg he used to have.

I might even say something like, “Hey Ahab, aren’t you glad that cop aimed at your leg, like Joey Gaffes told him to?  By the way, can I have your shoe, since you’re not going to be using it anymore?

Now that I think about it – and I never thought I’d ever say this – maybe Joe Biden is on to something.

 

Avenatti / Peg-Legged Looter, 2020!

Looking for Silver Linings (6/1/20)

Events this weekend have made calm thought difficult.  I had some time to jot down a few thoughts last Thursday about our gradual re-opening from the virus, but now those seem less important.  However, they do tie in with a theme I’ve been thinking about during this protest/riot/lootfest over the weekend, so I decided to share them anyway…

The daily sturm und drang of all the virus news has gotten old long ago, and like most people, I’ve got virus fatigue.

Actually, it would be more accurate to say I’ve got virus coverage fatigue.  The airwaves have been full of speculation and information (the ratio: 15,000 parts of the former to 1 part of the latter), and even people who are trying to honestly understand the virus have worn us out with their contradictory pronouncements.  Never has the old cliché that someone is “often wrong but never in doubt” been more true.

First masks were unnecessary.  Then they were crucial, and you should expect them to drop from the ceiling of the church you are forbidden to go to, as if First Lutheran were a 747 that had just experienced a catastrophic loss of cabin pressure.

First the virus thrives on hard surfaces, and can live there for the life spans of three Bernie Sanderses.  Then last week it couldn’t, and it was safe to go back to licking doorknobs again.  Then this week it loves hard surfaces again, so you better get that tongue-ectomy if you took my door-licking advice from one sentence ago.

First it was going to kill at least 1.1 million Americans, and maybe twice that many.  Then it was only going to kill 60,000.  Now it looks like around 120,000.  Except that a second wave is absolutely 100% going to happen, starting exactly at 1:13 Eastern Standard Time on September 5th.  (The first victim will be Richard Ferguson, a retired plumber from Sioux City (#wemustneverstopmockingher), in case you are interested.)

Wait, this just in.  It turns out that the reported cases in the 13 states that started opening up 3 weeks ago are down, which means that the second wave might be as mythical as Blasey-Ford’s encounter with Kavanaugh, or AOC’s knowledge of basic economics, or the existence of the dread gangbanger Corn Pop.

 

So that was last week, and in the meantime I’ve been outraged, then dispirited, and then angry at what I’ve watched spreading across our country.

The actions of those cops were terrible.  As a conservative – and therefore supporter of law and order – I am generally a supporter of the police as I am of the military.

But I’m also very much aware of how serious it is when any officers abuse their power.  It was horrifying and maddening to watch the cop with his foot on that man’s neck for so long, made worse by the other police standing around and doing nothing to stop it.  That is outrageous behavior, and it fully merits anger and protests and demands for accountability.

What’s been happening since then is sickening, too.  I can’t tell from the footage I’ve seen what portion of the crowds have been righteously angry protesters who are peacefully demanding appropriate action; I know that “if it bleeds, it leads,” has always dominated media coverage, and violent rioters looting and burning will always get the lion’s share of the coverage.

That being said, after three or four nights of this, it sure looks now like a dark version of the old joke about lawyers: the rotten 99% are giving the other 1% a bad name.

As CO and many others have noted, there is no need for this: the officers were immediately fired, the main bad actor has been charged with murder, and a high-profile investigation is already underway, with charges and likely convictions to follow.  This isn’t the old Jim Crow South (Democrat-controlled, I can’t help but remind the racial arsonists who still seem to be running that party, if the last three days are any indication), where corrupt white cops and local governments routinely victimized black people and got away with it.  Justice is already in the process of being done, and NO ONE is defending those cops’ actions.

Again, this isn’t the old days of protestors fighting on one side and racist Dems trying to enforce segregated lunch counters and water fountains and movie theaters on the other.   Or Rosa Parks or MLK on one side and racist Dem laws about segregated buses or schools on the other.  Or Emmett Till on one side and racist Dem klansmen on the other. All politicians on both sides, from Trump on down, have condemned the killing of George Floyd.

So who’s on the other side, for the rioters to attack?  Target stores.  Hundreds of small businesses (including black-owned businesses, not that that should matter, unless you’re a racist, Sharpton-style bad faith—oh, wait.)  St. Patrick’s cathedral, the WWII memorial, public housing units, and various government buildings in cities that are almost entirely Democrat-governed (and largely black-governed, not that that should matter, unless…).  That’s who you’re attacking, you vicious morons.

Ugh.

The theme I was thinking about last week was “optimism vs. pessimism.”  I’m going to write more about that later this week, because I think it is intertwined with our reactions to both the virus and the George Floyd killing, and I think it’s worth contemplating.  I want to make the case for optimism – even in days like these – while also considering the merits, such as they are, of pessimism.

Since I’m trying to stay pro-optimism, I’ll close by mentioning three potential silver linings on this darkest of clouds:

1.There have been heartening incidents of karmic comeuppance, with some thugs attacking cars and then getting run over by them (thank you, 1909 Wisconsin inventors of four-wheel drive!), one Mensa-member in NC trying to throw a Molotov cocktail and managing to set himself on fire instead (here’s hoping the burns are in an area that will preclude his fathering any future looters), and several groups of armed citizens banding together to protect lives and property against mobs of rioters, who showed their micro-phallic courage by running away to victimize softer targets.

2. If the NRA and GOP aren’t already cutting that footage into ads, they’re committing political malpractice. (Here’s some voice-over to get you started: “The next time a concerned leftist asks you why ANY law-abiding American should EVER have a gun, show him this footage…”)

3. The rioters and looters can serve at least a couple of useful public services, first by reminding voters where the political lines are drawn right now (with various local and national Dems and leftist celebrities urging on the rioters and explicitly excusing, and in some cases applauding, their vandalism and violence). And second by helping advance medical science.  It now appears that a combo of hydroxy-chloroquine and zinc may not help against the Wu-flu, but with any luck, we’ll soon learn more about the combined effects of pepper spray and rubber bullets fired into the abdomens or backsides of those not socially distancing during this terrible pandemic.

I’ve always been ethically troubled by endangering innocent lab animals in experiments.  But if we can learn from some enthusiastic SJWs who are attempted to destroy property and murder innocent people?

You do you, human guinea pigs!

I’ve looked at Joe Biden, and now I can’t Look Away! (posted 5/25/20)

This quarantine makes all holidays feel flat and unreal to me; it did it to St. Patrick’s Day, then Easter, and now Memorial Day.

But I’m lucky enough to live in Florida, where a GOP governor has allowed us to almost completely open up, so life is starting to return to normal. But our church is still not doing live services, and the library is still not open, so for a Christian and a reading junkie like me, life is still not normal yet.

All of that being said, I’ve been watching just enough news to continue to enjoy the flaming Hindenburg immolation that is the Joe Biden campaign.

His latest rhetorical rake-stomping was especially satisfying, since it made him look like a racist bonehead. As opposed to his previous iterations: pandering bonehead, corrupt bonehead, sexist bonehead, and all-around bonehead. (If you are keeping track on your Democrat bingo card, all you need is for him to say something ham-handed about transgenders… then jump up and wave that card over your head, screaming your head off. The only downside: every other person in America with a Joe Biden has already yelled “bingo.”)

Anyway, Plugs decided to do an interview with some doof who calls himself “Charlamagne tha God.” I’m no campaign manager, but did you need to know anything else about that guy other than that he misspelled “Charlemagne” and “the?” And since in his case you know that “God” should be lower case, he is 0 for 3 in spelling his own name!

Shockingly, the interview between a 112-year-old white guy who doesn’t know where he is and the African-American guy who doesn’t know how to spell his own name did not go well.

And now the Trump campaign has another bit of video to add to its attack ad library. Not since Peter Jackson had to cut The Lord of the Rings into just 3 long films has anyone faced such a daunting editing challenge.

I knew that Biden was struggling, but Andrew Klavan played some Biden audio from only two years ago — and he sounded like a different man. Don’t get me wrong: what he was saying was 180 degrees off, just as every public utterance of his since he first went to congress shortly after the Civil War ended.

But it was coherent. Not intellectually coherent. Because he’s Joe Biden. But it was syntactically and grammatically recognizable as a string of sentences that expressed a thought that had a beginning, a middle and an end.

But now? Everyone sees it: the guy is failing. Did you see when Anderson Cooper asked him to respond to a pre-taped video question from a voter, and Biden couldn’t get it that the guy wasn’t really there, live, and talking to him? Biden thanked the guy at the beginning, and made several comments to him, and never really did understand that he hadn’t been talking to a live person.

And it wasn’t cute, like when your addled but lovable grampy used to yell at people in horror movies to “Watch out!” I remember that my own grandfather would watch pro wrestling on tv, and would yell himself hoarse trying to alert the referee that the Iron Sheik was sneaking up on his opponent with a folding chair.

In his defense, grandpa was 85 at the time (slightly older than Plugs), and a retired crane operator, rather than someone vying for a shot at leading the free world. Also, he raised two sons, neither of whom scammed millions out of a corrupt Ukrainian kleptocrat.

Plus, when the older son died, the younger one didn’t immediately start hitting on his widow.

So at least grandpa had that going for him.

Anyway, my advice to Trump and the GOP is to stop hammering Biden for now. He doesn’t have the nomination yet, and a lot of Dems are already looking for a way to steal it from him (the phrase “like taking candy from a dementia patient in a coma” comes to mind), as they recognize the extent to which he is deteriorating.

It may be Machiavellian, but I think we should hold our tongues and our attacks, and let Joe coast until he officially has the nomination. Once he’s officially in, and it’s too late to replace him at the top of the ticket, we can go at him down the stretch.

The beauty is, we don’t need to do anything sleazy or underhanded. (Although no matter what anyone does, I fear the debates might garner Biden some sympathy. Trump v. Biden is going to look like 20-year-old Mike Tyson v. post-transition Bradley Manning, if Manning had astigmatism, and hemophilia, and the upper body strength of Bradley Manning.)

All we have to do is play a loop of Biden’s greatest hits on video: plagiarism scandals, position flip flops, disjointed ramblings, sexual assault. Plus a bedtime story about Mean Ol’ Corn Pop.

 

One new sign of desperation in the Biden camp is the list of people whom he is allegedly considering as possible running mates, especially since a running mate will be so crucial this year (unlike most), when the over/under on the life expectancy of the guy at the top of the ticket will be early fall of last year!

Given that, he has already handicapped himself by promising that the VP will have to be a woman. Not that it’s a handicap to pick a woman, of course – but it’s idiotic to rule out half of the population before the vetting process even begins.

And it’s not like the Dems have a deep female bench. Who are the most prominent Dem females on the national stage right now?

A cranky old white lady who pretends to be an Indian. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

A different cranky old white lady with the ankles of a Clydesdale and the soothing speaking voice of a crow with infected tonsils who just finished a tour as the lead singer with his cover band who did nothing but Tom Waits songs for two sets a night, plus encores of “Time” and “Big in Japan” after each performance.

A frozen-faced mummy.

A colorless, odorless, flavorless Minnesotan with a heck of an arm when it comes to throwing binders at the triple-A level.

The Squad (proof that the old saying that “two heads are better than one” was not only wrong, but wildly so. In this case, four heads are not even better than one.)

You might look at that Murderers Row of Incompetence and be tempted to defy Joe Biden to pick worse prospects. And if he were still alive, Plugsy would say, “Hold my beer, and get your words straight, Jack.”

Then he would leak the most prominent candidates whom he is allegedly considering: Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, and Stacey Abrams.

Good lord!

Kamala is best known for getting her first position in politics by being creepy old Willie Brown’s mistress. (I was going to say, “That’s what I call an entry level position!” But I am far too classy for that.) She ran a terrible primary campaign that garnered only slightly more black support than Mitt Romney got in 2012, and she has a laugh so phony and grating that only the Phantom of Chappaqua exceeds it.

Whitmer is the witless governor of Michigan, where she has spent the last two months (and counting) exhibiting the worst qualities of a leftist bully. She’s condescending, and stubborn, and she’s imposing needless hardships on her state through her micro-managing arrogance.

She’s resistant to logic and allergic to facts, and she’s in the top tier of terrible Dem governors – along with Newsom, Pritzker, Cuomo and Nosferatu from New Jersey.

Any sane Republican candidates would be trying to hang Whitmer around the Dem nominee’s neck, pointing to her terrible mismanagement of the virus as emblematic of infuriating leftist malfeasance.

So Joey Gaffes naturally wants her to drop by his basement for a good ol’ grope and sniff—er, “vetting.”

And Stacey Abrams? Really?

Okay, so she’s female, and she’s black. And she got elected to an insignificant statehouse seat, before losing a governor’s race, and then pretending to have won. For months!

And that is ALL of her upside. The downside was displayed in a ridiculous recent Washington Post profile of her which managed to draw eye rolls from even the leftist media. Called “The Power of Stacey Abrams,” it featured purple prose, and a pic of her standing against a darkening background in what appeared to be a superhero’s cape.

The most infamously delusional paragraph in the article offered this quote, which I swear I am not making up, “Pandemonium ensues as she walks to the far left of the stage like a runway supermodel, stops on a dime, poses, tilts her head slightly and smiles. Cameras flash… and Abrams is summoning her inner actress…”

First off, I’m afraid that her inner actress is the same as her outer actress (the one who pretended to be GA governor), and like too many actresses, this one is bat guano crazy.

Second, “like a runway super model?” When you think of a supermodel, who do you think of?

That’s right: Melania.

Now Google Stacy Abrams.

I know. When I thought of “Stacy Abrams,” I thought of the M-1 Abrams.

Which is fine battle tank, and which – coincidentally – would look no more out of place on a runway than Stacy Abrams. Google it, take a look at those steel-plated flanks – on the tank, I mean – and tell me I’m wrong.

Normally, I’m not one to body shame. I think we’d be much more justified in character shaming, if the Dems weren’t incapable of shame.

But now that Imhotep Pelosi has changed the rules by calling the president “morbidly obese,” it seems almost unpatriotic not to correct this idiotic puff piece by pointing out the obvious.

Plus, I know that no matter how cruel I might be about her appearance, Pelosi will never frown at me. Because she is incapable of frowning. Or smiling. Or expressing any human emotion. Due to all of the botox that she’s injected into her hideous face, the sociopathic old crone.

You’re morbidly obtuse, Nancy. And you deserve to look like you do. I hope Joe picks you as his running mummy.

Sorry…mate. Running mate.

 

Avenatti/Undead Mistress of the Nile, 2020!

Terrible Cuomos, Thumbkin Stelter,& a Modest Proposal to end the Lockdown (posted 5/17/20)

 

I realized after writing a column last week about how terrible Andrew Cuomo has been at his job, that I had missed one of his lowlights.  I already knew that he didn’t start sanitizing NYC subway trains until early May, but I didn’t realize that he hadn’t reversed his earlier order that nursing homes must take in elderly patients with the virus (“I wonder how that turned out?” you are not asking yourselves, because even Dunce Cap Ocasio-Cortez could figure that one out) until almost Mother’s Day!

The Cuomos remind me of a very old joke, which I will tweak to fit the situation now:

Chris Cuomo dies.  It’s not important how.  (Though the smart money is on either “he wandered into traffic” or “he drank aquarium cleaner.”)  The day before his funeral a new priest arrives at his parish, and so has to give his eulogy.

During the service, the priest says, “As most of you know, since I just got here yesterday, I didn’t know the deceased personally.  In cases like these, I like to ask those who knew him best if they would like to share some of the positive things about him, and what he meant to them.”

Silence.  The priest starts to get a little nervous.  “I know that many of you may be shy about public speaking.  But please, tell us your thoughts: what did you like most about Chris Cuomo?”

More silence. Nobody can meet the priest’s eyes.   They’re all looking at their shoes, and fidgeting uncomfortably.

The priest is starting to sweat now: this is a terrible start for him in his new parish.  “Ladies and gentlemen, please.  I know that you all knew the departed well.  Someone, anyone… tell me the nicest thing about Chris Cuomo.”

After a few more mortifying moments of silence, one miserable guy in the back row gets jabbed in the ribs by a family member, and he reluctantly stands up.   The priest feels a wave of relief, and gestures for the man to speak.

He clears his throat, then quickly says, “His brother was worse,” and sits down.

That’s the best thing I can say about Chris Cuomo.  He may be a phony, fake-quarantining, partisan hack with the intellect of a petrified block of wood.

But his brother is worse.

 

Speaking of worse, I have a riddle for you: How do you take a press conference during which a dishonest reporter asked a disingenuous pseudo-question, and then played the race card when Trump pushed back, and make that situation worse?

Answer: get Brian Stelter involved.

You probably already know what I’m referring to.  On May 11th, Trump was being all Trumpy, and touting the fact that the US has rapidly ramped up our virus testing.  I’m not sure why he would do such a thing… unless it was because the MSM has just spent the last two months shrieking about how the US is not doing enough testing.

“Why are we doing less testing than South Korea or Italy?” they mope.  Fauci interrupts to say, “Actually, in real numbers we are doing more testing than—”

“But we’re a big country,” interrupts another fatuous J-school grad, “what about per capita?”

Dr. Scarf starts to say, “Per capita too, we’re doing more testing than any of our European counterpart—”

“What about Wakanda, and Brigadoon, and Xanadu and the Emerald City,” shout a chorus of doofi with press credentials, “and other made-up places that we know would be handling this pandemic much better, if they weren’t as fictional as Corn Pop and Liz Warren’s proud Commanche ancestors?” (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

So, yeah.  Trump was pointing out that we’re doing a hell of a lot of virus testing.

Enter Asian reporter and leftist spinmeister (but I repeat myself) Weijia Jiang (BA in Grievance Studies from Noam Chomsky University, with a double major in Passive Aggressive non-question questioning).   When Trump called on her, she said, “”Why is this a global competition to you if every day Americans are still losing their lives?”  This is obviously not a legit question; it’s a slimy shot at Trump, insinuating that he’s been treating this virus as a game, and that he’s to blame for Americans dying from the WuFlu.

By the way, how do you know that our efforts are stacking up pretty well in comparison to those of other nations?  Because if some of the left’s beloved s-hole countries (and the “s” doesn’t stand for “socialist.”) (Though, wait a minute – yes it does.  Also, for a synonym for “socialist.”) were doing better, Jiang would be sneering, “How come we’re losing the global competition to Venezuela and Cuba?”

Anyway, Trump counter-punched on the insulting implication that the virus is his fault – which he’s only had to deal with about 10,000 times since the bat-savoring Communist slave masters in Beijing loosed this pandemic on the world – by telling her to “ask China.”

Jiang shot back, “Sir, why are you saying that to me specifically? That I should ask China?”   To his credit, Trump didn’t say the obvious: I’m saying that to you specifically, because you are the specific idiot who just implied that the virus is my fault.   Have you noticed that I never say, “Thanks for that question, random hateful reporter.  I’d like to address my answer to the secret service guy over there, or maybe to the guy selling hotdogs at the cart across the street?”

Ugh.  Just when you thought this tired race-baiting BS had become as offensive as it could possibly be, into the fray wades the hack who looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb: Brian Stelter.  And surprise, surprise – he detects racism, as he makes clear in this comment, which I wish I were making up, “It is racist to look at an Asian-American White House correspondent and say, ‘Ask China.’ This isn’t happening in a vacuum. This is part of a pattern of behavior from the president that goes back many years.”

Read that again, and wonder at the awesome thick-headedness of CNN’s Thumble-stiltskin.  In the first sentence, he says that it is racist to tell Jiang to, “Ask China,” the idea being that he only said that because she’s Asian.   In the very next sentence – that’s not a figure of speech: I mean the very. next. sentence. — he says that “this is part of a pattern … that goes back many years.”

Brian Stelter, you ignorant slut!  If you argue in one sentence that it’s uniquely racist for Trump to blame China to a Chinese-American reporter, you cannot argue (in the NEXT SENTENCE!) that he does this all the time, to many reporters, very few of whom are Asian.

It’s hard to comprehend the depth of the MSM talking heads’ delusions.  Anybody who has watched Trump for 5 minutes know that he’s a wild counter-puncher.  Anyone who attacks him – no matter their race, gender, nationality or phylum — is going to get strafed with insults right back.  Hell, he claimed that Ted Cruz’s dad killed JFK, and he insulted Jeb Bush’s energy level and Marco Rubio’s manhood!  And those guys are in his own party!

Trump doesn’t suffer fools gladly, and Americans know that.  But he doesn’t trade insults with Asian fools, or white fools, or black fools, or Hispanic fools because they’re Asian, white, black, or Hispanic.  It’s because he thinks they’re fools.

And he’s not usually wrong  about that.

 

Finally, as I’ve been heartened by watching the citizens of red and blue states alike starting to resist and protest the heavy-handed bullying of their (mostly leftist) mayors and governors, I’ve come up with an idea that I wish somebody in the GOP national leadership would propose: every politician should agree to forego their salary for the duration of this crisis.

The average net worth of congressmen and senators is into the millions, and I’m sure that the same goes for most governors and big city mayors.  Because that’s true, and because they and their staffs aren’t missing any paychecks, they are out of touch with the real pain that this is causing the tens of millions of Americans who have lost jobs, and the more than 100 million who have lost income and savings, on top of the losses to their 401ks and other retirement savings, if they have any.

For them, this lockdown is like water torture, an infliction of pain as every day passes with no work or business.  That wears on a person’s mind and emotions in a way that nobody who has millions in the bank and a steady paycheck can viscerally understand.  My wife and I have both continued to get paid, so I know that even though we feel for our fellow citizens in an intellectual and empathetic way, we have not been directly suffering as they have.

And if that’s true for us, it’s true 1000 times over for the pampered, entitled narcissists who are enforcing this lockdown on us.  Add to that the palpable political gains for national leftists – an ever-more dependent populace, a commensurate increase in their own political power, and the prospect of damaging Trump’s chances at re-election – and you can understand why leftist governors like Gavin Newsom, J.B. Pritzker and Andrew Cuomo and leftist house leaders like Captain Pencil Neck and the Botox Kid are doing their best to extend the lock down until after November, if possible.

If our GOP leaders were smart and principled – I know, I said “if” – they’d bring up a bill immediately to suspend their own salaries, retroactive to April 1st.  Doing so would show us that we all really are in this together, and that Bill Clinton’s infamous come-on line – “I feel your pain” (not to mention your buttocks) – might finally be true.

And call me cynical, but if they did that, I think they’d be ending the lockdown by about Wednesday afternoon.

Because if there is one thing upon which nearly all Americans agree, it is that at the very top of any reasonable list of non-essential jobs would have to be “politician.”

 

Avenatti/Thumbkin Stelter 2020!

Worst Performance by a Leftist in the Last Fortnight (posted 5/11/20)

As this pandemic wears on, I find myself making up games to pass the time.  Today’s game is to choose the “Worst Performance by a Leftist in the Last Fortnight.”

I have chosen three nominees:

#1.  Andrew Cuomo.  Cuomo is a terrible leftist governor.  He’s probably no more terrible than IL leftist governor J.B. “already overweight interior lineman who retired and really let himself go” Pritzker, or than CA leftist governor Gavin “Christian Bale in American Psycho” Newsom.

But what’s extra galling about Cuomo is how the press contorts itself to cover him as if he’s done a great job throughout the pandemic.  When he says exactly the same things that Trump says, they call Trump a dolt and Cuomo a genius.  And they haven’t noticed that Cuomo forced old people with the virus to be sent back to their nursing homes.  Then when a disproportionate number of deaths came from the nursing homes… nothing.

When he finally ordered that subway cars be taken out of service for a few hours to be sanitized – in May!  Seven weeks after the country has gone into lockdown! – nothing again.

Think about that.  Imagine that you took your average 7-year-old – someone who is only two grades ahead of AOC, mentally speaking – and gave her a 10-minute Sesame Street-level explanation of the virus.  Just the high points: it spreads through the air, can survive for a while on hard surfaces in an enclosed environment, and kills mostly old people who are in close proximity to each other.  If you then asked that 7-year-old what you should do to protect people from the virus, she would say – in an adorable lisp, because a bunch of her baby teeth have recently been coming out – “Shut down the subways and close off the nursing homes.”

How did Governor Cuomo or Mayor DiBlasio answer that same question?  “Impeach Donald Trump, and send us a plane filled with pallets of cash in unmarked, non-sequential bills.”

I had thought that Cuomo had been as terrible as he could possibly be at his job.  But on Tuesday, May 5th, 2020 – a day that should live in infamy – he gave a press conference in which he summed up leftism more perfectly than anything that has ever been said (except maybe Stalin’s dictum that, “Death is the solution to all problems.  No man – no problem.”)

Because NY is a deep blue state, its greedy government treats citizens the way a pimp treats his hookers: every question from the downtrodden citizen is answered by a balled-up fist and a scream of, “GIVE ME MY F-IN’ MONEY!!”  Coincidentally, NY has a law that says that anyone who works for more than 14 days in the state has to pay NY’s exorbitant state income tax.

I know that you can see where this is going, even if you have to look at it through the fingers of the hand you are holding in front of your face, like it was a horror movie.  Which it basically is.

Cuomo appeared on tv for weeks moaning that the pandemic was decimating his state, and begging medical personnel from around the country to please, please, PLEASE come and help the desperate New Yorkers.   Cuomo got what he asked for.  Trump sent $7.5 billion, a hospital ship and half of the ventilators in the Western hemisphere, and good-hearted nurses and doctors and other Ameri-CANs from around the country — who, because their governors were smart enough NOT to force infected, feverish octogenarians back into nursing homes like so many wrinkly biological weapons, while maintaining a 24-7 rolling infect-atorium train system, were able to leave their home states – heeded Cuomo’s call, and went to New York to help.

Then, on May 5th, someone asked whether those big-hearted heroes from around the country would have to pay the extortionate leftist tax rate during the time they were there, literally saving the lives of New Yorkers.

Upon hearing that question, Cuomo turned to an assistant, who produced a floor-length purple velvet robe with a white mink collar, and draped it over the governor’s shoulders.  Then she lowered an enormous canary-yellow fedora with an iridescent ostrich feather in its band onto his head, and handed him an onyx cane with a gigantic cut-glass knob on its end.  And Cuomo raised the cane over his head as though to strike the cowering reporter and screamed, “”WHERE’S MY MONEY?!  GIVE ME MY F-IN’ MONEY, BEE-YOTCH!”

Okay, that’s a paraphrase.

What he actually said, and I swear I am not making this up, was, “We’re not in a position to provide any more subsidies right now because we have a $13 billion deficit.  So, there’s a lot of good things I would like to do, and if we get federal funding, we can do, but it would be irresponsible for me to sit here looking at a $13 billion deficit and say, ‘I’m going to spend more money when I can’t even pay the essential services.'”

Sit and marinate in that for a moment.  He’s presided over a state that confiscates a mountain of taxes and still runs up huge structural deficits, while providing mediocre schools, crumbling infrastructure, filthy subways and increasing crime.  When a pandemic hits he suddenly feels the sobering pinch of fiscal responsibility – which he believes should be provided via a bailout from the federal government (i.e. us) – and doesn’t even have the basic decency to be grateful to those who came to his rescue.

And did you notice how he described the taxes he was being asked NOT to gouge out of the rescuers?  He didn’t say, “I can’t afford NOT to financially rape these selfless people;” he said that he couldn’t afford to “provide [them] subsidies!”  And at the end, he said that allowing them to not pay his extra tax would be the same as “spend[ing] more money.”  He has the bone-deep leftist conceit that what you earn is not yours (you didn’t build that!) – it’s the government’s, and you should be grateful for anything that they let you keep. So a tax cut isn’t letting you keep more of what is already yours – it is “spending” what rightly belongs to your greedy government, and to the collective for which it stands.

He’s an unholy combination of angry pimp, entitled welfare cheat, and surly, ungrateful teenager.  Andrew Cuomo, ladies and gentlemen.

 

Nominee #2 – The late Joe Biden, who during his interview with Mika was asked about the Tara Reade allegations.  (By the way, I am able to spell Mika’s last name.  But I refuse to, by invoking Simpson’s 3rd Law of Spelling: People with two non-consecutive ‘Z’s in their last name are not entitled to anyone spelling it, ever.  Phil Rizzuto, yes.  Mika, no.)   To my amazement, Mika asked Biden a legitimate question: you joined the #metoo movement in insisting that if any woman ever makes an accusation of sexual misconduct, we must “believe the woman.”  So shouldn’t we believe Tara Reade?

The posthumous VP came back with an answer that turned the hypocrisy up to 11: “I’m not suggesting she had no right to come forward.  Any woman, they should come forward, they should be heard. And then it should be investigated.”

Whoa there, Plugsy McRovingFingers!  What’s this about investigation?  There’s no investigation in “believe all women!”  They speak, we believe, end of story.  Even Mika noticed that glaring inconsistency.  So she came back with the question again.  And Joey Gaffes fumbled it again.

“Look, women are to be believed, given the benefit of the doubt.” Stop right there!  If you are believed, there is NO doubt.  Belief and doubt are opposites.  It’s like saying, “Women are to be trusted – comma — called filthy liars.”

But Joe staggered onwards.  “If they come forward and say something that they said happened to them, they should start off with the presumption that they’re telling the truth.”  This is why I never made it through law school; on an exam, I answered that the ACCUSED has the presumption of innocence.  Turns out it was the ACCUSER, according to Judge Joe.   I was so close.

But Joe goes on: “Then you have to look at the circumstances and the facts.”  No, no, no, NO!  They speak – we believe!  That’s it.  No investigation, no doubt, no looking at circumstances.

I never thought I’d say this, but that Joe Biden answer is worse than his answer when the portly Iowa voter asked about his degenerate, kleptomaniacal, brother’s-widow-jumping son, way back in 20-clickety-clack:  “Look, fat–.  Get your facts straight, jack!”

 

Nominee #3 — Texas Judge Eric Moye.

By now you’ve all heard the story: salon owner Shelley Luther decided that after 7 weeks of being locked down, she was going to open her salon a week before politicians deigned to give their permission.  She ended up in front of Judge Moye.

I would generally sympathize with a judge in his situation.  Luther had publicly defied the executive order, tearing up the notice she had received in front of media and supporters.  Because I am a conservative and thus have a general default setting of respect for the law, I could see why the judge might have to rule against her.  Many of the executive orders during this pandemic are constitutionally murky, and are being challenged everywhere; I hope that when all the legal dust is settled, many (if not most of them) are slapped down.  But as long as they are the law of the land, there is least an argument that she required some form of legal reprimand.

But that wasn’t enough for this judge.  (“I wonder what party he is a lifelong member of?” you are not asking yourself, because you already know.)  He climbed onto the bench, and then climbed further up onto his high horse, and then yet further up onto a pulpit – which was precariously balanced on the back of his high horse, somehow — and gave Luther a lecture, all the while shaking his orb and his scepter at her, and referring to himself with the royal “we.”

He told her that deciding to open her business was “selfish,” but he offered her the chance to avoid jail time.  All she had to do was apologize in a way pleasing to his highness.

Her apology must include her admission that, and I quote His Pompousness, “you now see the error of your ways, and understand that the society cannot function where one’s own belief in a concept of ‘liberty’ permits you to flaunt your disdain for the rulings of duly elected officials.”

He’s right, of course.  Why, if you allowed behavior like that, you might be starting down a slippery slope until you end up in the dystopian future of — oh, let’s say 7 years ago — when city and state governments all over the country will [did] defy the nation’s crucially important immigration laws.  They might even declare themselves to be “sanctuary” cities or states, and resist federal authorities’ attempts to enforce those laws.  If this rogue hairdresser is allowed to flaunt her flagrant haircutting – with its attendant unconstitutional mask wearing, social distancing and sanitizing – who knows what kinds of volleys of rubber bullets and educational tasering this judge would never require us to use against those disruptive creeps?

There are your nominees, folks.  I know it’s a tough choice: all three of these arrogant lefties are displaying brain cells that have been practicing social distancing.  But there can be only one winner, so please vote early and often.

Avenatti/Bishop Don Magic Juan (Google him) 2020!

The Pandemic Reveals Character, Part 2 (posted 5/8/20)

When I last left you, I was exploring the idea that times of crisis often reveal people’s character, and I had mentioned that this virus quarantine has revealed some flawed tendencies among conservatives, but more disturbing ones (IMHO) about leftists.

I mentioned virtue-signaling hypocrisy as the first of those character flaws.

The second is an affinity for totalitarian, micromanaging bullying.  For examples, look at the way that red state governors have moved much more quickly to phase out the lock-down, while blue state governors are hanging on to their newly-minted powers like grim death.   (And that’s not a gratuitous Nancy Pelosi reference.) (Although… sure.  If the sarcophagus lid fits, wear it.)

Conservative governors have generally put more trust in their citizens’ ability to make their own decisions.  While still calling for people to take precautions – wear masks, keep their distance, sanitize equipment, etc. – their general default has been to let people start to get back to work, as quickly as possible.  Because they know that politicians are supposed to be our employees, not our bosses.

Blue staters, on the other hand – despite differences of conditions in their states, including population density and climate, among others – are extending lock-down waiting periods, and issuing more directives and dictates than the Politburo at the height of the Cold War.  Gavin Newsom says that Californians can’t go to the beach.  J.B. Pritzker says that Illinoisans can’t leave their houses (even as he blew a goodbye kiss to his horse-whisperer wife as she left her mansion to go to Florida).  Chicago Mayor Lori “I feel pretty, oh so pretty” Lightfoot says that Chicagoans can’t get haircuts (right before she gets her “female George Jefferson” hairdo refreshed at an underground Supercuts Speakeasy, in the finest Chicago tradition of past Democrat greats like Al Capone).

Bill “Heinrich Wilhelm von Richthofen” DiBlasio tells New Yorkers that they can’t go to the gym… while he’s on the treadmill at a gym.

My favorite example is Governor Evita Whitmer in Michigan.  This little princess extended the lockdown in her state until the end of May, and issued a helpful list of behaviors she would allow, and those she wouldn’t.  On the naughty list, among other things, was paying someone to mow your lawn.  You could buy a propane tank, but you couldn’t buy a propane grill.  You could go to Lowes or Home Depot, but when there, you couldn’t buy paint or plants.  In fact, you could go to Lowes, or Wal-Mart, or an abortuary… but you couldn’t go to church.   Because nothing spreads the Kung Pao Sicken like reading aloud from the New Testament.

On her nice list?  Pot bought at a weed shop (some plants are more equal than others, I guess), liquor bought at liquor stores, or lotto tickets bought anywhere.  (I’m guessing it’s totally coincidental that three of the most profitable items for the state government of Michigan are pot, booze and lotto tickets?)

Whitmer’s rulings showcased the kind of byzantine micromanaging you might expect from quarrelsome rabbis disputing what constitutes “work” on the sabbath, rather than a directive from an elected representative of a free people.  Consider this quote, which I am not making up:  “The DNR states that “Non-motorized boating, such as canoeing, kayaking and sailing, falls within the outdoor activities permitted under the ‘Stay Home, Stay Safe’ Executive Order. However, the use of a motorboat, jet ski or similar watercraft is not permitted for the duration of the Executive Order.”

My first thought was that it was very appropriate for this twerp to be issuing a “do not resuscitate” order for her state’s economy, on which she was doing her best to pull the plug.  But then I found out that the “DNR” in question refers to an order issued through the Michigan Department of Natural Resources.

Still, did you get that?  You can go out onto a lake in a canoe, but not in a motorboat.  Because the Chicom virus is apparently allergic to varnished wood, but it finds outboard motors absolutely irresistible!

 

The third lefty character flaw that has been revealed during this pandemic is a tendency to condescend to and demonize their opponents.

I know that this one is not exactly news.  Even before the virus, you may have noticed that every objection to Obama’s bumbling was due to conservatives’ racism, and every objection to Hillary’s general terribleness was due to their sexism, and every objection to Grandma Squanto’s rantings was due to their fear of (to paraphrase Donna Brazile) “a Powerful Red Woman.” (#wemustneverstopmockingher)  And you may have noticed that elite Dems were occasionally a tad bit condescending… you deplorable, transphobic, in-bred, trailer trash bitter clingers.

But the pandemic has highlighted the malevolence.  If any of us want to get back to work before our society implodes, it’s not because we’ve grown fond of feeding our children or putting a roof over our head.  And it’s not because we are trying to make rational calculations about the lives that will be lost to the virus (whether we stop the lockdown now or in June or in September) versus the hundreds of millions of lives that will be greatly damaged plus the tens of thousands of other lives lost (to depression, suicide, substance abuse, heart attacks, lack of access to medical help for other conditions, etc.) if we stay trapped in our homes by power-mad politicians for a year or more.

According to the Schumers and Cuomos of the world, it’s because we are greedy for all of those corporate profits.  Also, we want to kill people.

 

Beneath all three of these flaws is a common thread of narcissism.

I’m not the kind of political partisan who sees intrinsic human flaws as unique to one side of the political divide.  We are all latent narcissists at the very least; we are all the main characters in the story of our lives, and we view the world at least partially through the lense of “how will this affect me?”

And politicians are necessarily a narcissistic bunch.  When you or I get up and look in the mirror in the morning, we think things like, “You know who is going to double-check that he’s wearing socks that match today? Me!” or “You know who’s about to make some toast without burning it? Me!”

But every presidential candidate in my lifetime has gotten up and looked at him or herself in the mirror – even if s/he had terrible breath, or “bed head,” or the cheap lipstick of a medium-priced hooker smeared on his big, fat, lying face (I’m looking at you, Bill Clinton) – and said, “You know who’d make a fantastic leader of the entire free world?  Me!”

And that goes for all politicians, even the ones on our side.  No one can reasonably argue that our current president is a shrinking violet in the ego department.  (Quick: how many times have you been tempted to put your name – in giant, gold letters – on every building you bought, or built, or passed by?)

But conservatism – if actually adhered to – is a natural check on narcissism.  Conservatives come in many flavors – religious conservatives, economic/fiscal conservatives, libertarian-leaning, etc. – but a general principle they share is the idea that “that government is best which governs least.”  Government should do only a handful of things that we can’t do for ourselves, and most of our lives should be left up to us, with only enough laws and regulations to keep us from hurting others or violating their rights.

Leftism, on the other hand, magnifies and weaponizes the natural narcissism of politicians, and fans the flames of their innate hunger for power.  It tells them that they are the elites, and know better than the unenlightened proles how those mopes should live.  It encourages them in the pursuit of top-down, centralized planning of the economic system.  And the criminal justice system.  And the education system.  And the metric system.  And the solar system.

What could be more arrogant than making a list of which jobs are essential and which ones aren’t?  How could anyone with an ounce of self-awareness sit down around a big table with a bunch of other people – who also probably never started a business, or raised a crop, or hung drywall, or cut hair, or bussed tables, or went to a trade school, or paid their own way through college – and confidently start deciding which jobs are important, which families should be allowed to financially survive, and which should be forced into bankruptcy and foreclosure and poverty?

Even if you had enough hubris to start doing that – because you were educated to believe that you know better than other people what a “living wage” is, and what a “fair share” is, and how much profit is “obscene” – wouldn’t you quickly get bogged down in details, and realize that you are on a fool’s errand, and in way over your head?

One silver lining is that we might have the chance to learn to appreciate federalism again.  The Founders wanted the states to be “little laboratories,” and they’re becoming just that.  Illinois is going to stay locked down, while Iowa and Indiana open back up.  New York and Michigan are going to stay locked down, while Florida and Georgia open up.  Let’s see who does better.

In the meantime, I’m encouraged by the protests that are starting up all around the country.  I like to see California surf kids and Texas salon owners and Midwestern blue collar workers going all “don’t tread on me.”   I hope to see some arrogant Democrat leaders find out that Americans won’t be pushed around for too long, before they start pushing back.

I only wish Joe Biden were alive to see it!

 

Avenatti/ the late Joe Biden 2020!