It’s times like these that I wish I had a podcast, rather than just a humble, written column, because I am cutting quite a dashing figure right now.
I’ll try to paint a word picture. I’m sitting at my venerable old writing desk – left in this house by the previous owner, for which I am forever grateful – with a glass of scotch to my left. Cassie the Wonder Dog is curled up on the floor beside the desk. And I am wearing my purple, pointed wizard hat. I’m not wearing this awesome hat just because it makes me look like a wise old wizard.
Though that would be reason enough to wear it.
No. Tonight I’ve removed it from its bullet-resistant, climate-controlled, negative-air-flow hat storage unit because I’m in the mood for some prognosticating. As frequent readers of this column know, this hat gives me uncanny insights into the future, which I will demonstrate now.
I’m focusing my hat-given powers first on three months from now, when I predict the following four things will happen:
1. Seattle’s Lord-of-the-Flies, “let’s let the leftists run a city-within-a-city” experiment CHAZ (or CHOP, or CRAP, or whatever the survivors will be calling it then) is going to be running right along, as smoothly as socialist Venezuela, and socialist Cuba, and the late unlamented socialist Russia, and…
2. As the summer looting season turns to the fall rioting season in the large, Democrat-led cities of our nation, the number of cops who have taken early retirement, or mid-career retirement – or those who have been stricken with SRRS (Sudden Rookie Retirement Syndrome) – will have skyrocketed.
3. Crime rates in those cities will also have mysteriously skyrocketed, and property values will have plummeted. Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon will be baffled. As they almost always are, though it’s usually a result of them trying to figure out how utensils work, or why the door that says “Pull” won’t open no matter how hard you push it, or why this rectal thermometer tastes so awful.
4. In sports news, Colin Kapernick will still be unable to hit a receiver on a shallow crossing route, but he will still believe that he is not in the NFL because a confederate soldier statue doesn’t like him.
Turning my gaze to one year from now, I see the following:
1. The outflow of productive people – skilled workers, business owners, those who prefer not to dodge syringes and human feces on their way to work – from blue states to lower-tax, productive red states like Tennessee, Texas and Florida will have accelerated.
2. Frustratingly, many leftists with the ability to leave the blue states that their voting habits have turned into unlivable CHOPistans will proceed to vote for the same terrible policies and people in their new homes, slowly turning those red states more purple. Which, coincidentally, is the same color my face turns when I think about those idiots screwing up the functional states that they seem determined to ruin!
3. There will be no more confederate statues left standing in the country. Also no union statues, Founders’ statues, or statues to nearly anyone who is worth carving a statue for. Among the only statues left in America will be a Bob’s Big Boy mascot in Muncie, Indiana, and the giant MLK statue near the national mall in DC. But some peaceful rioting leftist idiots will have covered it in obscene graffiti and decapitated it before they realized who it was. (If the giant head should happen to crush a few of them when it falls, that will be sad. But we will not have lost any future brain surgeons or rocket scientists.)
4. The Wu flu will be a continuing but minor threat to a small slice of our population (the elderly, the obese, and others with seriously compromised health), but something that we live with as a nation, like the flu. Our panic from March through late summer will be seen as initially justified, but then a wildly destructive over-reaction, fanned in large part by sleazy politics disguised as concern for public health.
5. I predict that after a year of great suffering, many white people will finally rise up against the self-hating white SJW pajama boys and girls who will by then have been saying viciously racist things against anybody with white skin for many years. One of those long-suffering Caucasian-Americans – it might be me, the wizard hat is not completely clear on this – is going to come out of his stately manor into the sunlight. If that man is me, he will be the hero we have all been waiting for. Because he will have come up with the perfect term of racial abuse for all of those whiny white lefties.
Will that term be based on the insult that some African-Americans use to disparage black people whom they find to be treasonous to other black people – i.e. Uncle Tom – you may ask, if you have some sort of a less powerful wizard hat of your own? Perhaps a wizard beret, or a wizard beanie?
Yes it will. Because that great American of the near future – possibly me – will have done empirical research to determine the whitest of all names. That name, of course, is Chad.
(And don’t try to tell me that there is an African nation ironically named Chad. I know there is. But in the first place it’s a ridiculous name for an African nation – Zimbabwe and Ghana cannot keep a straight face every time Chad shows up for a summit meeting — and secondly, nation names aren’t people names. Duh!)
So during the late summer of 2021, one man with a steely gaze and the firmest of jawlines – the hat is really pointing more and more toward me on this one – will confront a pitiful scrum of pasty grievance-study majors and performance artists who are ineptly trying to pull down the last un-decapitated statue in Washington – the badass equestrian one of Grant near the capitol building.
And he will say, “Nice job, idiots! Do any of you know who this statue represents? He was a great union general who helped defeat the slave-holding Democrats and won the Civil War. I’m ashamed to be the same skin color as you crackers. Now drop your poorly spelled signs and run back to your mommies’ basements before I give you a cross look.”
They will all hesitate uncertainly before this visionary, who will then shout, “You’re nothing but a bunch of pathetic Uncle Chads!” And they will flee in terror, marking a turning point for our great nation.
I know: right now “Uncle Chad” sounds goofy. But like any good running joke, it will grow on you.
Remember the first time you read “#wemustneverstopmocking her,” or “Imhotep Pelosi,” or “Grandma Squanto”? Not to mention “Plugsy McRovingfingers” or “Wussy McPussington”?
I think you get my point.
The hat’s chronological range extends to 30 years from now, when these three things will happen:
1. Biological men who identify as women will still be biological men, and they will still be very unhappy.
2. Ethnic groups who are counting on reparations and government assistance to improve their lot in life will still be living miserably unimproved lives, while those who have resisted the siren call of victimhood and identity politics will be doing quite nicely, thank you.
3. Nancy Pelosi will celebrate her 70th year in congress, representing the smoldering, feces-encrusted ruin formerly known as “California.” She will also celebrate her 2456th birthday. When she goes to blow out the candles on her pyramidical birthday cake – designed in honor of her hometown in the Valley of the Kings during the reign of Cheops the Indifferent — the dust that issues forth from her rictus-grinning maw will extinguish the candles. And all of the guests in attendance will involuntarily shudder.
Even the power of the wizard hat has its limits. I cannot clearly see who will win in November, but several details are clear amongst the ghosts of elections yet to be:
If Biden wins, I see rising smoke, a collapsing economy, and an army of lying dog-faced pony soldiers using the Bill of Rights as toilet paper. Also, Biden’s corpse will appoint several far-left Supreme Court justices who hate the constitution and the white males who wrote it, and they will continually legislate a wish-list of poisonous far-left priorities from the bench.
If Trump wins, I see thousands of MSM “journalists” and celebrities and academics racing around shrieking and wetting themselves, until their heads all explode like in that scene at the end of the first Kingsman movie. Also, Trump will appoint one or two more squishy, alleged originalists, at least one of whom will immediately turn and side with the other mediocrities on the court, and began issuing terrible, unoriginalist, leftist rulings.
Avenatti/ Uncle Chad 2020!