Month: October 2021

I spent much of the last week on a road trip, during which I drove a few thousand miles, saw my immediate family and many cool cousins, and generally enjoyed a break from the routine of watching the continuing implosion of our country.

I listened to some podcasts and books on cd, and only saw a few brief news stories. So today I’ll comment on a couple of stories I saw before my trip, and one that happened in the past several days.

But first, two funny things I saw in my travels.  One was in Alabama; it was a big sign on the side of the road, professionally printed.  On the top it said, “Everyone will eventually confess that Jesus is Lord.”  On the bottom it said, “Even the Democrats!”  And “democrats” was written in flaming red letters.

Now as loathe as I am to mix religion with partisan politics, and as much as I know that that kind of a sign will do less than nothing to persuade any persuadable types…

That’s funny right there.  I don’t care who you are.

Second, just across the river from my small Illinois hometown, in a cornfield that had been harvested, three lone stalks still stood, spaced out within maybe 10 yards of each other.  Behind them a sign read, “Biden Corn Maze.” 

For humor to work, it has to have some element of truth in it.  And that one has a lot more than “some.”

Because you know that if our prez found himself in that empty field, he’d look at the corn stalks… and think “Corn Pop”…and start to panic.  Then he’d stumble around trying to get out of the corn maze, and yet remain lost, and somehow end up with an ear of corn lodged in his Cuomo.

But enough of the wisdom of those in the flyover states.  Let’s look at the utter foolishness of those running the country. 

Exhibit A was Imhotep Pelosi, freshly risen from her ungodly slumber and trailing her burial wrappings into a briefing room, where a reporter had the temerity to ask whether she might need to do a better job of selling Biden’s obscenely bloated and unnecessary budget bill.  (That last bit was my paraphrase.)

Queen Nancy’s response was top-shelf arrogance: “Well, I think you all could do a better job of selling it, to be frank with you.” 

Because as we all know from our American government classes, it’s the partisan press’ job to shill for a president’s spending priorities like a bunch of hookers when the fleet is at anchor.  Especially when his own hacks are botching the job.

The desiccated dullard went on to explain that “Whether Americans know it or not, they overwhelmingly support it.”

Not since the days of “they’ve got to pass the bill to find out what’s in it” has she treated citizens with such naked contempt.

And let me apologize right now for creating a mental image associating “naked” with our House Speaker.  Flush your eyes with clean water and consult your physician if the burning continues.

Exhibit B was those money-grubbing old commies, Ben and Jerry, highly compensated purveyors of ice cream and idiocy. 

During an interview, they were asked about their recent virtue-signaling move of refusing to sell their ice cream in the West Bank.  Because the problem in the Middle East is Israel, not the howling mobs of violent, malevolent jihadis occupying the other 98% of the region. 

It seems these dolts recently published an op-ed defending that anti-Israel move, and the title of that op-ed was – I swear I am not making this up – “We’re Ben and Jerry, Men of Ice Cream, Men of Principle.” 

Which sounds like either the most nauseating rhetorical self-stroking possible, or the worst title of an Avengers movie ever.

(Sidebar: I love me some ice cream, but I wouldn’t eat Ben and Jerry’s if my life depended on it.  Because I consider myself: “Martin Simpson, Man of Ice Cream, Man of Principle.”) 

To her credit, the young interviewer asked reasonable questions, and then followed up.  She mentioned that they sold their company to Unilever – because nothing says “Workers of the world, Unite!” like selling out to a gargantuan, transnational corporation – and asks if singling out Israel isn’t just a teensy bit anti-semitic.

Ben – or it could have been Jerry – fumbled around, trying to explain that up is down and black is white.

Then the interviewer asked that if they’re not selling in the West Bank because they politically disagree with Israel’s government, why are they still selling in GA or TX, who are offensively trying to maintain voting integrity and limit infanticide, respectively.    

What followed was the kind of pause you see when Joe Biden is trying to remember a two-syllable word.

It drug on and on, while both old coots squirmed.  Finally Jerry – it may have been Ben – shrugged and said, “I dunno.”  Then, “That’s an interesting question.”  Then, “I don’t know what that would accomplish.”

Oh don’t you, either Ben or Jerry?! You mean that not selling ice cream to the three Palestinians who can afford it is the metaphorical lever that will move the world, but not selling to tens of millions of Americans would have no effect?

After some more squirming and stammering, Jerry – or was it Ben? – said, “I think you ask a very good question.  And I think… I’d have to sit down and think about it for a bit.”   (To which reasonable people might ask, “Maybe you should have done that BEFORE you acted!”)

The interviewer then bemoans the way that all women in Texas have now been “stripped of their rights” because they can’t pursue abortion.  And Ben – it might have been Jerry – said, “By that reasoning, we should not sell any ice cream anywhere!  I’ve got issues with what’s being done in most every state and most every country.”

Exactly!  And yet you chose to single out Israel for the boycott. 

Then the other guy – I’ve narrowed him down to either Ben or Jerry – tried to rescue his flailing partner.  “I think one thing that’s different is that what Israel is doing is considered illegal by international law.“

Ah yes, the vaunted international law.  As interpreted by such paragons of virtue as the murderous rulers of various People’s Republics and Islamic Republics that deface the globe. 

I can only hope that at the next shareholders’ meeting that those hypocritical sell-outs attend, the audience starts a rousing cheer of, “Let’s go, Ben and Jerry!”

Finally, during my road trip I caught the story about Pete Buttigieg’s paternity leave.  I have many thoughts, but you’ve already had them too:

First, I think we can all sympathize with the physical stress and trauma that comes with enduring a long pregnancy, with the bloating and the discomfort and the labor pains, and eating the ice chips and swearing at your husband that he did this to you, and he better never touch you again!

But maybe that was just me, and my experience of having the small bones in my hand crushed by my wife as I tried to helpfully count during her contractions.     

I’m no ob-gyn, but I’m pretty sure that Mayor Pete is not a birthing person – and forgive me if that moronic term that was made up 10 minutes ago has already been replaced by an even more moronic and PC one.  

But I’m not sure why he’d need 2 months to bounce back from NOT giving birth to a baby.

Especially when, for the first time in recorded history, we might have actually needed a secretary of transportation! 

I mean, there’s a reason why the phone under glass on Commissioner Gordon’s desk was the Bat-phone, rather than the “Secretary-of-Transportation-phone.” 

And why no president in any thriller or non-fiction account has ever read an urgent message or taken an urgent phone call, then dropped into his chair, ashen-faced, and said, “Good lord, this is a disaster!  Get me the Secretary of Transportation immediately!!”

But the timing is terrible, and Biden’s horrific policies have actually produced the first supply-chain disaster in my lifetime.  Now would be the time for a competent Secretary of Transportation to shine!

And Mayor Pete was nowhere to be found.  It turns out he left 2 months ago, without telling anyone, and without appointing an underling to take over his duties while he struggled to deal with the terrible physical toll of not being pregnant, and then not going into labor – with the non-existent Braxton-Hicks contractions, and the epidural that didn’t happen, and the c-section that never took place. 

So just when you thought that yet another terrible Biden appointee couldn’t make things any worse, up steps Mayor Pete.  And a new metaphor for dereliction of political duty is born: 

“Bottle-feeding while the ports clog” is the new “fiddling while Rome burns.”

But the worst part of this whole shipping-container fire (see what I did there?) is that Pete was able to disappear for 2 months, and nobody even noticed.  I can’t think of a more damning indictment of the utter uselessness of your job than that!

I mean, I missed one column this past Monday, and I assume there was wailing and gnashing of teeth throughout the CO Nation.  If I were to miss a second column, self-harm on a wide-spread scale would be a real possibility.

If I missed a third column?  Deployment of the National Guard and a declaration of a national state of emergency would undoubtedly ensue.

But a cabinet secretary disappears without a trace for months, and the country is no worse off than it is after he returns? 

It almost makes you wonder whether we could do the same experiment with the rest of the cabinet.  And maybe the entire Executive branch.  And OHSA, and the Department of Education, and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. 

And the House of Representatives, and the Senate…

Avenatti/Mayor Pete’s Wet Nurse, 2024!

It would be easy for me to start another column taking low-hanging-fruit type shots at our Cadaver in Chief, and how terrible he is at his job.

So I will. 

Joey Gaffes was in Illinois last week – and haven’t those poor people in my home state suffered enough?

Not the ones who voted for Biden, Obama, Dick Durbin, Pritzker and Lightfoot, of course.  They haven’t suffered NEARLY enough yet. 

But the rest of them, whose votes are swamped in the deluge of ballots from the corrupt Dem wards and cemeteries of Chicago.  My heart goes out to those folks.

Anyway, Biden showed up and waxed indignant about how so many deplorables are resisting his mandate that they get the shot.  He fixed his rheumy eyes and vacant stare on his audience and proclaimed, “I don’t quite get this.”

Just FYI, here is a short list of other things that Biden doesn’t quite get:

Simple math

Basic history

Where the sun goes at night

Why women don’t like it when you compliment them by sniffing their hair and groping them

English grammar and punctuation, and most words.

Speaking of which, behold the rhetorical power of the Scrantonian Slurrer, in this passage that I swear to you is a direct transcription of part of his Illinois speech:

 “And the Ohio Pennsylvania, the Ohio Pennsylvania, I’m from Pennsylvania,” Biden said as he gestured to himself. “The Illinois president… of the uh … Don Harmon…”   He also mentioned the “nited brr-rhood of crpnters…  Robert Rider… Reader… Rrr… rrr… Reader… R-E-I-T-E-R… re-Reiter…  And folks, that’s how we beat covid.” 

You know he had a teleprompter, because he finally just stopped and spelled that one guy’s name.  And still he couldn’t get it out.  

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m just glad that Joe Biden didn’t live to see what’s become of his administration.

But the people around him are just as bad, if that’s possible. 

Lurch Kerry is supposed to be a diplomat, and yet he threw his boss under the bus when giving an interview to some French journalists about why Biden hadn’t expected that his cutting a French sub-maker out of a deal with Australia was a problem.

Quoth the visage de cheval: “He asked me. He said, what’s the situation? And I explained exactly. He was — he had not been aware of that. He literally had not been aware of what had transpired.”

That’s not coming from a GOP opponent of Biden – that’s his own lackey’s defense of him: he is literally unaware of so many things!

Meanwhile, in NYC, outgoing groundhog-murderer and colossal doofus Bill DeBlasio proudly announced his attempts to kill the NYC public school system’s “Gifted and Talented” program. 

Sure, it would be easy to make a “so many conservatives have fled NYC that there are no more gifted and talented people left” joke.  But I am known for nothing if not my class and restraint, so I will refrain.

But seriously, what do Democrat politicians have against smart, hard-working people?

I mean, except that they can see through socialist claptrap, would rather vote for opportunity rather than welfare, would not vote for Democr—oh, wait.  

In particular, many Asian-American parents are outraged by DeBlasio’s attempt to kill the program.  Because as you know, Asians have way more white privilege than even the most translucent of Native American senators. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But maybe the ugliest moment in an ugly week took place when a bunch of entitled, law-breaking ne’er-do-wells harassed Dem Senator Kyrsten Sinema on the campus where she lectures.  They went so far as to follow her into a university bathroom, bullying her to approve an amnesty that would let creeps like them stay in the country they so obviously hate, so they can get to work destroying it. 

Sinema is not my cup of tea on almost any issue, but she’s a smart enough politician to recognize that she cannot survive in office if she goes along with the far-left agenda that the national Dems are pushing.  And for that, a bunch of leftist foreign thugs attacked her.

In a morally sane country, arrogant a-holes like that would be afraid to show their faces in public, let alone calling attention to themselves by harassing a national politician, and then putting out the video because they are degenerate enough to be proud of themselves!

Even if these people were citizens, they’d deserve to be arrested and convicted of an armful of charges, from stalking to harassment to disturbing the peace.  But they’re here illegally!  They should do a little jail time for their terrible behavior and then be deported forthwith.

But this story isn’t about them – it’s much more about us.  Allowing this flood of illegals into the country is hugely unpopular among all but the hardest core of the hard-core left.  It’s blowing a huge hole in our budget, while introducing and encouraging lawlessness throughout our society.  And almost no one wants it, yet we’re all standing by and watching it happen.  

How have we allowed malevolent children like these to flout our laws, and then demand that we cater to their every narcissistic whim, and reward them with citizenship?!  Our doddering president can’t even bring himself to condemn their hateful bullying, calling it “part of the process.”

If we don’t throw these bums out in a huge electoral wave, we have lost our minds!

And that’s why I can stand before you now, and say, from the bottom of my heart…

“Let’s go, Brandon!”

Avenatti/ Brazen, Entitled Illegals 2024!

I’m afraid that I may recently have begun to depress many of you dear readers. 

In past columns, I’ve felt it necessary to point out that our president is a mostly dead Crypt-Keeper/Walter-puppet hybrid, and that the Speaker of the House is a desiccated mummy reawakened from the bowels of a pyramid to walk forth and frighten us all with her eerily lifeless expression.  And that inflation has begun to run rampant and unchecked through the economy like STDs in Hollywood. 

I’ve had to admit that our generals are spineless, our politicians are feckless, our borders are borderless and our laws appear useless. 

But today is a new day.  It’s October, the beginning of my favorite time of the year. 

Acres of Christmas trees have only been displayed at Lowes for a month or so, and already it is starting to feel like fall is here.   Football is being played at packed stadiums all over the nation, and soothing chants of, “Friend Joe Biden… clap, clap… clapclapclap” are falling gentle on my ears. 

Coincidentally, the mountains of covid-riddled corpses that Dr. Faux-ci warned us would surely follow if we began watching sports in large groups have failed to materialize.  Again! 

So I’m here to bring a little joy to your lives, by surveying the mountain of horse-Schumer that is our political news and finding a few ponies in there.

Good News Story #1: Actual racism in America is at such a low ebb that desperate leftist racial arsonists continue to resort to creating race hoaxes to keep the pathetic, flickering flame of their malevolence alive. 

The latest example comes from a St. Louis high school, where anti-black graffiti was written in school bathrooms on September 23^rd, prompting administrators and students to say, “Hey, wait a minute.  What if this is a manipulative hoax, perpetrated by woke morons, like the last several hundred such incidents?  We should investigate this rationally, waiting until we get all of the facts before we make fools of ourselves in our haste to believe the worst about our fellow citizens and nation!”

HA!  I kid!

More than 1000 gullible and poorly raised students staged a walk-out and chanted senseless slogans to express their outrage, while craven administrators obsequiously cheered them on, like the adults in that Twilight Zone episode in which Billy Mumy was wishing people who displeased him out into the cornfield.      

Annnnnddddd… 3… 2… 1…

Surprise! A non-white kid wrote the graffiti.

After which the students said, “Whew!  It’s a relief to discover that we live in a place where so little racism exists that it needs to be faked by idiots.”  And administrators said, “We’re going to learn from this debacle, and be way less stupid in the future.”

HA!  I kid yet again. 

The protesters were not deterred by reality slapping them in the face.  One said that while it was “embarrassing” that the slurs were written by a black student, “school officials should still work to establish a clearer policy to prevent racism.”

Translation:  Sure, this non-existent event did not happen, but we need to spend a bunch of time and effort to create policies to prevent things that didn’t happen from not not-happening again in the future. 

Not willing to be outdone in the Delusion Derby, Superintendent Keith Marty (who once again proves the old adage that you should never trust a man with two first names), though forced to tell parents that the white klansman in this case turned out to be a black kid, was quick to mewl out some praise for the baseless and pointless student protest: “Students proactively led walkouts at multiple Parkway high schools and in these moments, many students shared personal experiences of racism throughout their lives and at school,” he wrote.

I can only hope for those students’ sake that the personal experiences of racism that they shared are as real and impactful as the non-event that was not done by the phantom white bigots who were not haunting their high school bathrooms.

Good news story #2 – Democrat leaders fight amongst themselves over trillions in ruinous spending that they want to foist on America.

Not since the Iran/Iraq war have I enjoyed an internecine brawl this much. 

The far left Squadsters are outraged that the only insanely-left “moderates” don’t want to destroy the nation’s economy over 18 months, but are stubbornly holding onto their own political motto: “We will lay waste to the USA in 36 months, and not one day sooner!”

Biden wandered into the donnybrook, figured out that both sides were screaming stale slogans at each other, and hollered, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!  Come on, man!  23 skiddoo!” 

Then he wandered into the corner and started stroking the leaves of a fake plant that he mistook for a young staffer, muttering about how she sure smelled good, and did he ever tell her about the time he whipped Corn Pop with a car antenna he tore off a Stutz Bearcat in the autumn of 19-clickety-clack?

The latest report is that Imhotep Pelosi told the radicals that they needed to pocket the 1.9 trillion for the non-infrastructure-related “infrastructure” bill BEFORE they pushed for the 3.5 trillion “Bad-Faith Drunken-Sailor Spenda-palooza Budget Devastator Bill of 2021.”

AOC threatened to take her hammer and sickle and go home.  Then she flopped on the floor, kicking her feet and holding her breath until her face turned as blue as the idiotic district that sent her to congress. 

I say we hand both sides a skillet, a rolling pin, and any other blunt objects within reach, then grab some popcorn – and some Scotch, which we just happen to have nearby – and sit back and cheer them on. 

Good news story #3 provides the reddest of red flag warnings about the consequence of leftist governance of big cities, this time from Chicago.  

Let’s play a little game. Let’s assume that you’re Lori Lightfoot, and that someone in the mayor’s office in Chicago said, “Beetlejuice!” three times, and so you found yourself in that room, as the mayor.  You got elected mostly because you are not white, and you like the ladies. 

And before you can say something snarky, I know: that applies to Bill Cosby and Robert Mugabe too.  But neither of them were available, and so the Dems in Chicago elected you.

And now, for reasons nobody can figure out, black Chicagoans are dying in droves amidst a hail of gunfire that only slows down when the temperature drops below zero.  The killings have continued despite the fact that you’ve taken all the logical actions that the leftist brain-trust has advised:

You’ve denounced the police, and cut their funding, and done everything you could to make their jobs harder.

You’ve denounced the white nationalism of the black street gangs doing most of the killing.

You’ve raised taxes.

You’ve dropped ominous hints about sinister Indiana gun-running syndicates.

You’ve blamed Donald Trump. 

And STILL nothing has helped.  So it’s time to get serious.  To think outside of the box, and try some innovative solutions. 

Do you:

1. Re-fund the police and encourage them to increase arrests?
2. Urge judges to crack down on the criminals who are caught shooting Chicagoans?
3. Rescind your counter-productive anti-gun laws, and encourage citizens to fight back?
4. Install bleeding control kits throughout the city.

If you picked any choice except “D,” you know nothing about the way Dems govern.

I am not making this story up: the party that runs Chicago is installing over 400 “wall-mounted bleeding control kits” all over the city.  According to one report, “each of the kits contains enough supplies to treat eight victims, with tourniquets, gauze, shears, gloves and an instruction manual.”

First, 400 kits, each capable of treating 8 victims?  Hmm.  Hold on a second while I do the math on that… 8 times 400… consider the draconian gun control laws in Chicago, which should produce a ratio of criminals with guns to non-criminals with guns to around 8521 to 1… that supply should last… carry the 6…

Three weekends.  Those kits will last three weekends.  Unless there is an unusual, early cold snap and the action on the automatic pistols starts to frost up and jam. 

In which case: four weekends.

Second, each kit contains an “instruction manual?”  These dopes do realize that the Chicagoans who will be using these kits were mostly educated in Dem-controlled public schools, right?

You might want to try some emojis or pictograms in those manuals. 

Also, if the first sentence in the manual isn’t, “As soon as you’ve got the bleeding temporarily stopped, head for the closest red state you can find pronto!” somebody has made a mistake.

Because I am as generous as the day is long, I’d like to offer my services to the city of Chicago, pro bono.  I would love to write those instruction manuals for them.

I’ve already gotten a rough draft started:

“Welcome to Chicago!  The Windy City, the City of the Big Shoulders!  Hog Butcher to the World  — no offense, vegans!

If you’re reading this manual, you’ve probably been in town for 15 minutes, and have thus been shot.  Sorry about that! 

Now, you might be tempted to call the cops or an ambulance, but that won’t work.  Because even if the thug who shot you didn’t steal your cell phone, there are only 14 cops left in the city, and they’re in mandatory meetings to study the origin of white rage.   And the ambulances won’t leave the garage without a police escort.

So it’s up to you.  But luckily, we’ve got your back.

I mean, unless the bullet is actually in your back, in which case you’re screwed. 

But if the bullet is in your front, where you can get at the wound, answer these simple triage questions to determine what to do next:

1. Am I a vegan?  If so, my weak, watery blood and my anemia mean that I’m going to die, even if it’s only a superficial flesh wound.  I should close my eyes and make my peace with Gaia.
2. Is the bullet lodged in my genitals?  If so, I should immediately begin to identify as an a-sexual non-binary person, or possibly as Gavin Newsom, in which case my smooth, featureless plastic crotch area will allow me to feel no pain.
3. Is the blood that I’m losing coming out in an arterial spray, so forceful that it is drenching the bodies of the other, surrounding victims who arrived in Chicago ten minutes before I did, and are thus already enveloped in the sweet embrace of death?  If so, I should close my eyes and join them.
4. If the wound is only oozing blood, you still have a chance.  Please turn on the accompanying dvd of the movie Ronin, and fast forward to minute 57.  This is the scene where Robert DeNiro lays on a table, looking at his wound in a mirror while instructing the French guy how to remove the bullet.  After watching that scene, if your vision isn’t graying out, look around for a passing French guy who happens to have a mirror with him…

And, scene.

You’re probably asking how this last story can be considered a “good news” story.

I don’t have a great answer, other than “the voters of Dem-run cities are getting what they voted for.   Good and hard.”

Meanwhile, in Florida, we have also been issued emergency kits, for use if a criminal tries to attack us. 

The kits consist of a series of different-sized corks – which we can toss to the criminal as he lies on the ground writhing, with the suggestion that he check whether any of the corks will fit the holes that we just shot into him – and two pennies.

Which, if our aim was better, we can place on the criminal’s closed eyes before we call the cops and the hearse.    

Avenatti/French character actor with the sterile tweezers, 2024!

As regular readers may know, when I’m not being called a hilarious genius, or a Man for All Times, I’m often being called the Hardest Working Man in Snark Business.

Actually – and tragically, really – I’m never called those last two.  Because the world is not fair.

But luckily for all of us, I don’t have to work that hard to find mock-worthy stories amidst the fire-drill-at-the-clown-college-crossed-with-a-meth-lab-explosion that is our current political and cultural climate during the Biden administration.

A case in point is the following rash of stories, all plucked from just one day’s headlines in Breitbart, from the comfort of my recliner, my faithful Wonder Dog at my side:

1.A poll showed that “only 49 percent of registered voters” think that Biden has sufficient “mental soundness” to be president.  That’s a shocking finding, considering the crucial role played by the occupant of the position of most powerful man in the world.

What’s even more shocking?  That 49% of registered voters apparently don’t have televisions or the internet, or are suffering the throes of debilitating mental illness, or are blood relatives of Joe Biden.

In related news, the MVP of this administration so far has got to be the guy who keeps killing the microphone during Biden’s Q&A sessions.  Now that ex-Gov Cuomo has had to return his Emmy, I suggest that we give it to Plug-Puller-Guy. 

We only need to replace the engraving saying, “Best Performance by a Grandma-Killing, Butt-Grabbing Narcissist,” with one reading, “Lifetime Achievement Award in Sparing us Angry, Incoherent Ramblings.”

2. Speaking of incoherence, Women’s Health magazine just put Que-Mala and her beta male husband on its cover, accompanied by a sickeningly saccharine story inside in which a “body language expert” analyzed photos of them to prove how deeply in love they are. 

The poor guy’s grown son claims that “the couple is still in the honeymoon stage eight years after meeting.”  He also says that “Doug and Kamala together are like almost vomit-inducingly cute and coupley.” 

You had us at “vomit-inducingly.”  And then you went so, so wrong.

Just a reminder: Melania Trump, a world-famous supermodel whose walks to Air Force One had to be measured on the Kelvin scale to determine her hotness, never got a single magazine photo cover in the four years she was married to the president.  

But Willie Brown’s ex-doormat and her miserable, eunuch-ian Steadman stand-in get a cover.

3. One headline later: “New York Times calls Jill Biden a “doctor,” but not Rand Paul, who is Actually a Doctor.”  The story is about what you’d expect.  When the NYT is covering an actual MD who isn’t a leftist, they call him, “Mr. Paul.

But when a phony snoot like Joe Biden’s widow is discussed, she’s a “doctor.”  Never mind that an EdD is just this side of an honorary doctorate – like the ones that Bill Cosby was given, for example.

Jill Biden is a doctor the same way that Captain Kangaroo and Colonel Sanders are West Pointers and Medal of Honor winners.  But you’d never know that from her fawning media coverage.

Poor, empty-headed Whoopi Goldberg believed what she read, gushing that “Dr.” Biden should be the Surgeon General, because “she’s one hell of a doctor!” 

I’ve read excerpts from Biden’s “dissertation,” a turgid bouilliabaisse of banalities and filler on the subject of “Student retention at the Community College Level.”  I’ll save you the trouble of reading it by writing my own abstract:  Her position on student retention at community colleges is that she’s for it. 

You’re welcome.

4. In example 4,398 of elitist lefties forcing the peons to wear masks while they themselves galavant around bare-faced and shameless, San Francisco mayor London Breed was the latest offender.

The only thing Breed has going for her is her name, which would be great for either a British garage band, or a race horse.  Unfortunately, she is as socially useful as neither of those.

Breed spent a night partying at a nightclub called the Black Cat.  (Which somehow has to be racist in a town like San Francisco, doesn’t it?) A local reporter noticed her, and asked about the masklessness.  Breed’s answer was a one-two punch of non-sequiturs and point-missing: she said that everyone in the place had to show proof of vaccination, and insisted that “I’ve been very careful, not just because I want to set an example, but because I don’t want to get COVID.” 

Many critics said, “You’re being ‘careful’ and ‘setting an example’ by NOT wearing a mask?”

Breed then doubled down on her arrogant stupidity, saying that she did “everything I thought was appropriate.”  (Try that the next time a cop pulls you over: “I think that it is appropriate to drive 60 in a 30 mph zone while texting and tossing back a rum-and-coke.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m on my way to a party.”)

Then she said, “We don’t need the fun police to come in and micromanage and tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing.”

Whereupon the ghost of Sam Kinison appeared from amidst a ball of flame and smoke and said, “So you don’t like micromanaging now?!  You’ve been doing nothing but micromanaging and telling people what to do for 16 months!  Have you seen your city’s official seal?!  It’s a mustachioed guy in a leather cop outfit and assless chaps, mounting the Golden Gate bridge over the motto, ‘We will micromanage the Schumer out of you!’  OH you hypocrite!  OH!  OHHH!”

Breed also explained that she was “feeling the spirit,” and “wasn’t thinking about a mask.”

Well, why didn’t you say so?  I mean, once you’ve evoked the “feeling the spirit” defense, I guess we’re done here. 

Finally, #5:  The New York Times and Boston Globe published a puff piece on Jen “Hacky” Psaki, as if she hasn’t been a terrible spokes-goof for a horrible administration.

The article praised her as “straightforward” and “professional.”  How straightforward can she be if she is constantly “circling back?”  That’s the opposite of “straightforward,” isn’t it? 

The article’s author wrote about how Psaki is always, “crisp and precise in her answers.”  I am not making that actual quote up.  Or this one: “Ms. Psaki, in her speaking style, is a contrast to Mr. Biden and his circuitous folksiness.”   

Ohhhh-kay.  I guess you could say that lying clearly is a contrast to lying slurringly…

And “circuitous folksiness?!”

I think you spelled, “demented word salad” wrong.

It’s hard to believe they’re writing about the same mendacious, dead-eyed, short-tempered goon we see on tv every day, trying to clean up after the latest meandering tripe from her boss. 

I’m not saying that watching her horrific performances has totally creeped me out.  I’ll just say that I used to laugh off that old saw about how gingers have no soul. 

But Hacky Psaki has got me reconsidering that.

Remember: those were stories from just one day!

It’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 32 weeks.

Secretariat/London Breed 2024!