Remembering Norm MacDonald, Trying to Forget AOC & Gavin Newsom (posted 9/20/21)

As I mentioned briefly on Friday, Norm MacDonald has died, and he will be missed.  He was an original, and although I didn’t enjoy everything he did – his commitment to bits designed to make people uncomfortable, his sometimes cheerfully aggressive vulgarity – he had an intelligence that snuck up on you, packaged as it was in the guise of an amiable, none-too-bright everyman.

He told a joke about a moth – you can find it online – that betrayed a pretty extensive knowledge of Russian literature, and yet had a punchline so dumb that I laugh every time I think about it.   Most of the comedians I respect – Dennis Miller, Bill Burr, Seinfeld, and on and on – talked about Norm with awe and affection, which says a lot.   I’ve not read his book, “Based on a True Story,” but after seeing a few excerpts from it, I’m looking forward to doing so. 

He also had a rare commitment to placing principle ahead of his career.  He was famously fired from Saturday Night Live because a big shot there was friends with OJ Simpson, and ordered him to stop telling OJ jokes.  Norm cheerfully plowed on ahead, stepping up the ratio of OJ jokes until he was fired from one of the prime jobs in comedy.

It was also refreshingly undramatic, and counter to our times, that he actually had cancer for 9 years, and never told the world or, according to some reports, his friends or family.  The family part is weird, but I was raised in the Midwest in what now seems like the 19th century, and I admire stoicism and the resistance to dramatize and over-share one’s problems with the world.

When everybody is taking video selfies and sharing every banal detail of their lives and opinions, and yammering on about the nuances of their sexual self-categorization into one of 127 imaginary genders, it’s beyond refreshing to see an old-school guy bearing his own cross and avoiding the limelight.

Reminder #1 of the unfairness of the world:  Bums like Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders are still alive (not to mention Joe Biden being partially alive) in their late hundreds, but Norm MacDonald is dead at 61.

In other news, when I was taking some pot shots at AOC’s ridiculous dress incident last Friday, it turns out I missed a few details that make the whole story even more obnoxious. 

It turns out that Little Miss Tax the Rich is an even better representative for the elite left than I realized.  I mocked her for her hypocrisy in pretending to attack the rich while she was paying $30 large for a ticket to that stupid gala.  It turns out that it was $35K, and that… wait for it… Sandy didn’t pay for it anyway!

That’s right, she got her tickets comped.  So far no one is admitting whether a deep pockets Dem paid for her, and a spokes-weasel said only that she was “a guest of the museum.”  Another preening socialist, Bill Duh-Blasio, also didn’t pay his own way. 

I know, break out the defibrillator: another virtue-signaling leftist turns out to be a shameless mooch!  Who could have seen that coming? 

Speaking of which, the designer who came up with AOC’s idiotic dress is named Aurora James, and she’s a perfect fit for her sleazy clients.  She may want the rich to “pay their fair share,” but she appears to have a black belt in fair-share-avoidance herself.

She has open tax warrants against her in NY, and at least six liens from the IRS for not paying payroll taxes.  She got nailed for not carrying worker’s comp insurance, and for running a quasi-sweatshop and exploiting unpaid interns, and for stiffing multiple landlords.   With the profits from such cheating, she bought herself a $1.6 mansion in LA last September.

She’s already delinquent in her property taxes there.

For the rancid cherry on her hypocrisy sundae: her sleazy company received over $41K in “pandemic relief aid,” courtesy of Joe Biden’s ghost, and the American taxpayer.

Reminder #2 of the unfairness of the world:  Sandy Cortez cried on camera, describing the “trauma” of how she thought she was going to be raped and murdered in her office on January 6th… even though she was in a different building, blocks away from the goofballs in the Capitol… who, as it turns out, never raped or murdered anyone. 

Meanwhile, Norm MacDonald had cancer for 9 years and actually died from it, all without mentioning it, let alone crying about his “trauma.”

In other idiocy-related news, the administration has started to regularly cut off Joey Gaffe’s microphone; they’ve done it at least three times this month.

You can see why.  I didn’t discuss his angry screed announcing his unconstitutional vax mandates, which are being challenged everywhere, but it was a remarkably bad speech.  Just like his Afghanistan hollering, it’s filled with anger at everyone who don’t deserve it, rather than at himself.

The line, “We’ve been patient, but our patience is wearing thin,” was especially obnoxious, on several levels.  It suggested the royal “we,” in a way that we don’t take kindly to in America.  Who is he to be brow beating us and praising himself for his patience?

The only thing growing thin is his feeble, intermittently firing neural synapses.

Finally, the people of California have spoken, and they are still morons.

Faced with a choice between a competent black man with well-articulated and logical plans to start digging the Late Great Golden State out of its hole, and a gormless, incompetent Ken Doll who has been digging that hole, they chose Gavin “featureless-plastic-crotch” Gavin Newsom. 

Yes, there was the usual ballot stuffing and cheating, along with the usual racial arsonists in the media smearing the black guy as a white supremacist.  But the margin of victory was such that the message seems clear: the majority of Californians are going to get what they asked for, and they’re going to get it good and hard. 

Reminder #3 of the unfairness of the world:  A lot of good people who have been voting against the Dems who are ruining CA are going to suffer along with the knuckleheads who deserve it.

I know it’s painful, but you folks have got to abandon the nitwits destroying your state like Joe Biden abandoning American citizens in Afghanistan! 

CO and I left IL for FL.  Joe Rogan and the Daily Wire crew and hundreds of thousands of others have left CA and IL and NY for TX and TN and FL.  You’ve got to start looking at your own costs and benefits, and consider joining us. 

It’s been a long 4 years, and it’s only been 32 weeks.

Numbskulls at the Met Gala, and the Video Music Awards (posted 9/17/21)

As usual, this week had its share of bad news.  Norm MacDonald died, and Gavin Newsom’s terrible reign in CA did not, to start with.

But it’s Friday, and time to unwind.  Thus my weekend thoughts have turned away from politics, and toward social commentary, and the stunningly rich fodder for mockery it has provided this week.

I’m thinking, of course, of the ridiculously tone-deaf celebration of wealth and bad taste that is the Met Gala.  This shin dig has been called “the fashion world’s equivalent of the Oscars” – so you know it was going to be shallow, smug and stupid, with ratings to match. 

And it cost $30,000 for a ticket to this mess! 

Members of CO nation know me as a man of wealth and taste, but even so, that number is unthinkable to me.  Even when I’m taking my smoke-show of a wife out for an anniversary dinner – and she puts all of those freaks in ludicrous, over-priced fabric monstrosities to shame, no matter what she wears – I am hard pressed to spend more than $5K, and that includes appetizers, drinks, desserts and an extra order to take home for Cassie the Wonder Dog!

Some of the usual narcissists made fools of themselves in predictably banal ways.  One of the Kardashians draped herself completely – face included – in some kind of black fabric, so that you couldn’t even recognize her. 

If I can speak for all normal Americans – and I think I can – we appreciate that.  Do that more. 

Moanin’ Megan Rapinoe – fresh from leading America’s Olympic soccer team to defeats at the hands of teams from Sweden and America’s Hat – carried a stupid little purse with “In Gay we Trust,” written on it.  Which is so, so brave, considering what a hotbed of homophobia the Met Gala is!

I can only hope that after a long, self-involved and preening life, Rapinoe gains some measure of self-awareness, and realizes that maybe a life spent doing Gay’s Work wasn’t such a great idea.

On the other hand, maybe in an Act of Gay, she’ll be struck by a bus, or crushed when a mirror falls on her, and at the moment of her death, she’ll experience some measure of Gay’s Grace.  And her deluded fans will gather around in mourning, and say, “There but for the grace of Gay, go we all.” 

Or something equally dumb.

But Rapinoe wasn’t the most egregious example of a self-satirizing dope wearing clothing with words on it.   No, that honor goes to everybody’s favorite innumerate, incompetent bartender: AOC.   

Unlike Hester Prynne – here comes a reference that would fly right over Sandy’s tumbleweed-filled head – AOC wasn’t satisfied with one scarlet letter on her clothing.  She had to have three scarlet words that, taken together, are a lot more shameful than a little bout of adultery: “Tax the Rich.”

When I first saw the picture of her looking back over her shoulder while wearing that dress, I had several thoughts:

First, contrary to the fever dreams of AOC, Bernie and the Pale-Face Pocahontas (#wemustneverstopmockingher), the rich are already taxed six ways to Sunday, with the top 1% paying more than the bottom 90% combined.

Second, you’re at an event that costs $30K a plate, you moron!

Third, I wish some paparazzi jerk would have called out, “Who are you wearing?” so that Sandy could have said, “Karl Marx!”

Fourth, I remember a similar fashion trend from the past that this reminded me of.  In past years, many young women regularly wore a variety of sweats pants and yoga-style pants with words printed on the seat.  In particular, the words, “Juicy” and “Pink” seemed to make frequent appearances there. 

I found several things about that trend to be odd.  For one, I don’t think women generally need to call attention to that particular body part.  There doesn’t have to be reading involved: your average straight guy will notice.  

In fact, putting words there might be considered counter-productive.  When dealing with the typical neanderthal male — in a half-hearted defense of my toxic brethren: we’re just as God made us — women very often need to say something along the lines of, “My eyes are up here!”

Conversely, they’d never need to utter the sentence, “My butt is down here!”   Because this is how that conversation would go:

Reasonably attractive woman:  “My butt is—”

Straight guys (interrupting): “Yeah, yeah, we got it.”

Anyway, AOC is a fairly attractive woman, assuming your turn-offs don’t include, “Googly eyes, life-threateningly low IQ, and toxic political beliefs.” 

But the fact that she has a trim figure represents a real lost opportunity, message-wise.  Her petite, thin stature (very fat-shaming, by the way) required the briefest of texts.

But if a former first lady (hint: CAW CAW) wore that kind of dress, you could print the introduction to Das Kapital across her beam, with room left over for footnotes.  (I was going to say “cankle-notes,” but I am too mature for that.)

Speaking of which, the Video Music Awards were also last week, and they were also a dumpster fire, with terrible “music” and worse ratings, and they also featured a vapid celebrity making horrendous fashion choices.  

Madonna wore a goofy dominatrix outfit, and when she had said her piece, she turned and strutted backstage, showing off a cartoonish set of butt implants. 

Ugh!  That outfit would have been in bad taste, but might have had some kind of frisson of naughtiness, back when MTV had music videos, and Madonna was a young, moderately talented but ferociously ambitious ingenue. 

But she’s 63 years old now!   Who is this supposed to appeal to?  Also, having seen a few clips of the VMA awards on Steven Crowder’s show – and I think those guys for taking that bullet for me! – I think we all owe an apology to ancient Rome.

Because when I was a youngster reading about the fall of the empire, there was a lot of decadence talk: this emperor made his horse the pope, and this one bedded his mom, and that one pulled a Hunter Biden and jumped his dead brother’s widow, and on and on.

But after watching someone called Lil Nas X – and it makes me feel a little sheepish just from typing those characters – simulating some kind of gay/shower/orgy scene, and poor old Madonna wobbling her geriatric fake butt off of the stage, I am feeling a little of the ol’ “don’t point out the speck in ancient Romans’ eyes when we’ve got a plank in ours” brand of shame.

So Caligula, sorry about all that judge-y talk about how decadent you guys were. 

Mea culpa, and we-a culpa. 

Avenatti/Caligula’s Ghost 2024!

Solving the Riddle of Why Joe Biden is Still in Office (posted 9/13/21)

If you’re a normal person, you’ve had many occasions in recent months to wonder to yourself, how can Joe Biden still be the president? 

How can that cross between Jeff Dunham’s old-man Walter puppet, and Walter Matthau, and Clint Eastwood’s gristly old racist grouch Walt (from Gran Torino), and Walt Disney (after his head was frozen solid) still be in such a powerful position?  He’s Walter Mitty, except without the spark of wit or whimsy in his hollow old head.

That’s five problematic Walts, and they’d all do a better job than our Cadaver in Chief.   I’d rather be governed by Breaking Bad’s Walter White (six!) than by Biden.  (Can’t you picture him leaning over the podium, those rheumy eyes locked on yours, while he whispers creepily into the mike, before his staffers can turn it off, “I am the danger.  C’mon man.  I’m the one who knocks.  Say my name.  No really, say it.  It’s on the tip of my tongue.  It’s something like Jim Backus, but it’s not that.”) 

Joey Gaffes has had the worst half year in political history; it’s a half-year that’s going to have a half-life, causing waves of destruction for decades to come.   

But I think I’ve figured out how he’s managed to remain in office.  (I mean, besides the incredibly corrupt MSM.)  He’s benefited from an odd psychological syndrome among the citizenry, which I can explain.

When my family and I got to go to Europe for the first time in the summer of 2019, I experienced what I call “amazing stuff fatigue.” 

When I first started touring the Tower of London, for example, and came around a corner to see a full suit of armor, as well as full armor for a horse, I was blown away.  Then I saw another, and another.  I moved into another room, with suits of armor belonging to various kings. 

By the time I hit the third large room filled with armor, I was passing through more quickly, barely registering the historical treasures all around me.

As badly as Joe Biden is doing in the polls now, he’s still benefiting from the converse of this syndrome: horrendous action fatigue. 

In normal times, a scandalous family member would be enough to cause all kinds of trouble for a president.  Remember how Billy Carter’s buffoonery bedeviled Jimmy, or Ron Reagan’s mewling criticisms were used as cudgels to attack the real Ronald Reagan (peace be upon him)? 

But before we could even digest that Hunter Biden was a junkie, we found out that he also had an affair with his dead brother’s widow, and then that there were homemade porn videos of himself taking drugs with multiple hookers.  By the time we got to the part where he implicated his father – the President! – in getting a kickback from the Chicoms (“The Big Guy gets 10%.”) too many of us were tired of the story.

The same thing has happened with Afghanistan.  Any of the idiotic moves Biden made in early August – pulling the troops before evacuating the civilians, repeatedly lying to our citizens and Afghan allies that they’d be rescued and then abandoning them, leaving tens of billions of arms to the Taliban – would normally be enough to sink any president.

But we got fatigued.  The shite storm was whirling so fast, and our post-humous prez was piling one monstrously bad choice after another into one news cycle after another, that too many of us got tired, and then numb.  So by the time a leaked recording came out that proved that Biden had encouraged another world leader – explicitly, and verbatim – to lie in order to delay Biden’s Afghan disaster from unraveling faster than he had planned for, that story came out and then died out with nary a ripple.

It’s a cliché as tired as Biden when he calls a lid on his day at 10:30 a.m., but I’ve got to say it anyway.  Trump was impeached for an ambiguous phone call that constituted political hardball at worst, and was perfectly legitimate at best.  He didn’t tell the Ukrainian leader to fabricate a case against Hunter Biden or his late father, but to investigate whether what looked like corrupt behavior on his part actually WAS corrupt behavior on his part.  ‘

(Spoiler alert: we now know beyond any doubt that it was.)

Compare that to what Joe Biden was recorded saying in his phone call to Ghani.  He explicitly told a foreign leader to lie, and it was a lie that would serve Biden’s political interests.  In fact, it was a lie that directly contributed to many Americans and Afghan allies being stranded and at the mercy of the Taliban, if they were foolish enough to believe Biden, or what he tried to get Ghani to say. 

But that was years ago. 

No, wait.  Actually, it was two weeks ago.   

Which feels like years ago, amidst the Cat 5 fecal hurricane that is the Biden administration’s bungling. 

And so far, September looks to be more of the same. 

The Dems went nuts when they found out that the GOP was trying to limit abortions in TX, so naturally they made common cause with socialists to fight it.

Sorry, that’s “Satanists,” not socialists. 

I know: tomato, to-mah-to. 

But seriously.  Satanists?  You cannot make this up. 

Unless you’re Dante Alighieri.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, things are still just peachy.  When a few reporters mentioned the people stuck in airplanes in Afghani airports, being prevented from taking off, they referred to those folks being “held hostage.” 

And Hacky Psaki was NOT having that.  She suggested that “hostage” was not an accurate term. 

So if you’re keeping score at home: 

People who are trapped and cannot escape Kabul are NOT “stranded,” and people who are being detained against their will as bargaining chips are NOT “hostages.” 

Also, Bruce Jenner is NOT a man, “menstruating people” are NOT women, Lizzie Warren is NOT white, (#wemustneverstopmockingher) and Imhotep Pelosi is NOT incapable of making a realistic human facial expression.

Also, “infrastructure” is people, babies are NOT people, a leftist white wench in a gorilla mask throwing eggs at a black gubernatorial candidate in CA is NOT a racist, but a boulder in Wisconsin IS racist.

Got that? 

I still can’t get over AOC’s diatribe about “menstruating people.”  First, because should that word really start with “mens?”  Second, does she really think that someone who is menstruating is a candidate for an abortion? 

I know she majored in poli-sci with a minor in screwing up drink orders, but did no one ever teach her that one of the subtle clues that a birthing person is pregnant is that she has STOPPED menstruating?  

But it’s not just foreign policy and basic biology and logic that has the lefties’ burkas over their heads.   They continue to be confused and intermittently terrified by the covid. 

Steven Crowder’s show (I recommend it) played a short montage of a bunch of MSM empty heads freaking out about the delta variant in August.  Obviously it deserves to be covered, but they all showed their usual lack of any concern for context or accuracy.  My favorite clip was from somebody named Dr. Mark Kline.  His message: “This is not your grandfather’s covid.” 

No kidding, genius.  Covid has been around for 18 months or so – there was no covid back in grandpa’s day. 

Unless you’re in NY, and your grandpa’s tombstone is still being finished up.  In which case, the variant of covid that was fatal to him came in the form of infected senior citizens being forced into his nursing home by Gropey McGrandma-Killer Cuomo!

I sure hope that Delta doesn’t prove to be MY grandfather’s covid.

Which it won’t.  Because my governor is Ron DeSantis. 

And he’s not in the habit of yanking the cannula from an infected senior citizen’s nose, rolling him through the nursing home doorway, and then slamming the door shut behind him and yelling, “fire in the hole!”

It’s been a long four years, and it’s only been…. I don’t know… 2469 weeks?

Avenatti/The Weird Beard Who Painted over the George Floyd Mural, 2024!

College Football Returns, Hacky Psaki Still Confused, & Handsy Toobin is Back! (posted 9/6/13)

This weekend marks the return of college football, which this year was especially fun because of how it drove the wokesters crazy.  Some football fans posted a video of the Virginia Tech Hokies’ pre-game ritual of playing Metallica’s Enter Sandman to get the crowd whipped up for the team’s entrance, and it was beautiful to behold.

It featured a great heavy metal guitar line – Suck it Taliban, you music-prohibiting lunatics! – and visuals of football fans and combat-fatigue-wearing military members going nuts, with the crowd pulsating in the stands, and portable bleachers rocking up and down in time to the music. 

So naturally, a cross-section of lefty doom-mongers took to the web to shriek about how evil football fans are going to kill us all.  ALL, I TELL’S YA!

A Georgetown prof you’ve never heard of moaned, “How is this nation cheering football when it hasn’t even mourned 647K dead and counting?”

Washed-up actress Debra Messing said, “This is terrifying.”  An MSNBC hosts let his literally dozens of viewers know that, “This is why we can’t have nice things – or end this damn plague.”

My favorite was a little charmer called – I’m not making this up – Walker Bragman.  Which sounds like a self-parodying name.   And I’ll put this delicately: no one will ever get Walker Bragman and Walker, Texas Ranger mixed up.

When I first glanced at his Twitter tag, I thought it identified him as a journalist, lawyer, and cartoon.  But upon closer inspection, that last one is “cartoonist.”  So, only 2 strikes for ol’ Walker.

Anyway, Walker is way smarter than you – just ask him.  And he’s also an archetypal lefty, in that he thinks that Washington DC should be the boss of all of us: “We are in a global public health crisis.  Our federal government should not be letting this s**t happen.”  ‘

Ooh, I’d love to see Walker’s little fantasy come true, and watch the feds try to stop millions of football fans from enjoying God’s favorite sport.  The only federal agency that would have even the slightest chance would be the military, and that wouldn’t work, for two reasons:

  1. Our Cadaver-in-Chief just gave the Taliban most of their weapons.
  2. Most of the military are football fans, and as soon as they got into the stadium, they’d be head-banging to Enter Sandman.

But I guess Walker could try to rally his own forces.  He could gather Debra Messing, Michael Moore, Tony Faux-ci and Bradley Manning, plus an army of grievance studies profs, performance artists, drag queens and trans-vegans, and storm the field, buoyed by their towering self-righteousness. 

They could charge in to one of their favorite songs – maybe the Russian national anthem, or “Imagine,” or “It’s Raining Men?”     

We could call it the Wokies vs. the Hokies, and I would pay to watch that!

By the way, obscure Georgetown prof, I don’t think I caught your outraged comments when Barry Obama threw himself a gigantic party on Martha’s Vineyard, or when Imhotep Pelosi had a huge fundraising dinner for a crowd of Democrat moneybags in CA, and the only ones at either shindig wearing masks were the servants.

I mean sure, Pelosi is probably immune.  After all, she lived through the Nile River Plague, the Tigris Trembling Fever, and the outbreak of Scarab Sickness in 2134 BC, 1904 BC, and 1638 BC respectively.  But still.

Somehow I don’t think that Georgetown goofball wrote any hysterical tweets along the lines of, “How can a vain ex-president throw himself a non-distanced, maskless party during a pandemic?!”  Or, “How can a dessicated succubus like Nancy Pelosi shakedown a morally vacuous bunch of 1%-er leftist exploiters while 647,000 corpses are rotting in the streets?  Won’t somebody please think of the children?!”

Speaking of arrogant hypocrites, did you catch Hacky Psaki’s snotty reply – in the wake of the Texas abortion law — to a logical question from a Catholic male reporter about how oh-so-Catholic Joey Gaffes could support abortion?

First the Hackster gave the anti-science party line, saying that a fetus “is a woman’s body, and it’s her choice.”   

Then she was interrupted by a phone call from 8th grade biology class, which informed her that if an entity has separate heart beats and brain waves and different DNA, it’s NOT someone else’s body. 

No sooner had she pretended that her cell service was bad and killed the call, then another call came in, this one from the last 8 months.  It asked if she was the one who’d been insisting that if some politicians who wouldn’t know a fudgsicle from a rectal thermometer decide that you need to take multiple vaccines and boosters, and cover your face with a mask when you’re having carnal relations with your spouse, it may be your body, but it is most definitely NOT your choice.  

Rattled, Psaki snapped at the reporter: “I know you’ve never faced those choices, nor have you ever been pregnant, but for women out there who have faced those choices, this is an incredibly difficult thing…”

At that moment, I wished I were a reporter in that room, so I could have replied, “For the last month you kept assuring American citizens and our allies in Afghanistan that you would not abandon them there.  I know you’ve never faced those choices, nor have you ever had your fate in the hands of a FDR POC (“feckless, dementia-ridden piece of crap,” for those of you who didn’t catch my last column).  But for those gullible enough to have trusted you, this is an incredibly difficult thing.”

Also, “I know that you never worked hard and saved money and took a financial risk to buy and manage rental property, but for landlords out there who have taken those risks, your boss’ arbitrary decision to force them to allow squatters to live in their properties until they are bankrupt makes for an incredibly difficult time.”

I would also have taken a swing at the slow pitch that Psaki left over the plate: “Excuse me, but did you just suggest that abortion is only a women’s issue?  Haven’t you and your co-religionists been lecturing us for years that men can have babies too?”  

For now, CO Nation, I’m keeping my pronouns as thee/thou – and for those of you who missed earlier columns but wisely don’t want to offend my delicate sensibilities, my noun is “Your Excellency,” my adjectives are “brilliant” and “handsome,” and my adverb is “stunningly.”

But the minute I decide to change them to she/her, I’ll click my heels together and become a birthing person, and at that moment, I will gain instant credibility to discuss abortion.  And I won’t need any cis-gender, woman-splaining condescension from Jen Freaking Psaki, thank you very much!   

But Psaki wasn’t the only leftist to wax indignant about impediments to abortion; CNN trotted out Jeffrey Toobin to get all red in the face about what an outrage the Texas law is. 

You may remember that the last time Jeffrey Toobin got all red in the face….

Let me start over.  Toobin’s most famous contribution to journalism is the time last year when he was on a Zoom call with a lot of our other moral betters from the leftist MSM, and he got caught pleasuring himself. 

So your first thought may be, “Hey, what kind of expertise can this guy have on abortion?  It’s not like his love life could ever result in a pregnancy, right?”

Sadly, wrong.  Because his OTHER most famous contribution to journalism was about a decade ago, when he was married to one woman, but having affairs with an unknown number of others.  One of those was a much younger woman, the daughter of one of his MSM colleagues, Jeff Greenfield.  She was reportedly working as a “fact checker” for Glamour magazine at the time. 

And if you’re thinking that nothing says “glamour” more than sneaking around with a cheating little married schlub and friend of your dad, I don’t understand you. 

Also, I’d never heard what she did called “fact checking” before.  But then again, I’d never heard the euphemism “strip club lamb chops” before, either.  (You’re missing a lot of useful information if you don’t go back and read my past columns.)

Anyway, the girl got pregnant, and Toobin – being the gentleman he is – offered to pay for an abortion.  When she wouldn’t, he told her that “she would regret it, and that she shouldn’t expect any help from him.”  He also denied paternity until a DNA test proved it, and even after he was ordered to pay child support, he refused to pay up until the woman’s lawyer threatened to tell his employers and have his wages garnished.   

Now if you’re a producer for some left-wing talking heads show, and you’re looking for a guest to act outraged about the issue of abortion, is THIS jackass the guy you’d pick?   And yet, that’s what they did.

To Toobin’s credit, I noticed that he kept both hands on the table during each of his pundit appearances.  (FYI, you could come up with a lot worse euphemisms for Toobin’s favorite hobby than “polling the little pundit.”)  

But the producers weren’t taking any chances, I’m guessing because they wanted to make sure that Tooby didn’t “check any of his own facts,” if you catch my subtle meaning.  

So every table that he sat at during his commentary? 

Glass top.

You stay classy, MSM.

Avenatti/Jeffrey “the one-armed bandit” Toobin, 2024!

Worst Person of the Month – August (posted 9/3/21)

Well, a new month has begun, and that means it’s time for my long-standing tradition – which I am starting right now – of a column naming the “Worst Person of the Month” for the month just ended.

Granted, this is not an auspicious time to debut such a column, because there is no suspense when it comes to who was the worst person in August.  Spoiler alert: it’s our Cadaver in Chief, Joseph P (the “P” stands for what he did to our troops and Afghan allies) Biden. 

But play along while I name the other nominees, before we get to the inevitable winner.

Nominee #1: The Taliban.  If there weren’t already more than enough reasons to despise these Islamo-fascist lunatics – and there absolutely were – one of their first acts upon reassuming power was to drag an Afghan folk singer named Fawad Andarabi from his house and execute him.  Because he insisted on playing music.

According to a smelly Taliban spokes-creep, “Music is forbidden in Islam, but we’re hoping that we can persuade people not to do such things, instead of pressuring them.” 

By the way, if the Taliban thinks “shooting in the head” constitutes “persuading,” you don’t want to know what they mean by “pressuring.”

What else do you need to know about Islam, other than that it disdains two of the great consolations of life: it forbids music and teaches that dogs are unclean.    I know: some fanatics who have carnal relations with goats, wear multiple layers of filthy horse-blankets and beards filled with lice would find Cassie the Wonder Dog unclean!  Go friend yourself, Taliban.

Speaking of evil jihadis…

Nominee #2: Isis-K.  Nobody knows what the K stands for.  My guess: those guys are proliferating so fast that they’re going through the alphabet, and K comes after J – as in the “JV team.”  (Thanks Obama, you incompetent dope.)  And since they’re illiterate and don’t understand alphabetical order, be on the lookout for the Delta variant of ISIS, coming soon.

Speaking of yet another evil jihadi…

Nominee #3: Rashida Tlaib, squad member, and spiritual twin of brother-marrying cretin Ilhan Omar. 

As unattractive on the outside as she is on the inside, Tlaib reached a low point – even for her – in August, when she posted a tweet mourning that the body of Palestinian woman Mai Afana, whom Tlaib described as a “loving daughter and successful student,” has not yet been released to her family.

Tlaib wrote, “Meet Mai Afana’s mother, Khuloud, who is fighting to be able to bury her daughter & begin her healing. Mai was a mother, loving daughter & successful PhD student. She was killed by the Israeli government last June. Israel won’t release her body to her family.”

I guess because tweets have length limits, Tlaib didn’t have time to mention the circumstances of this loving, successful mom’s death: she launched a terrorist attack on an Israeli checkpoint by ramming it with her car.

“But Martin,” you are not thinking, “maybe she made an innocent driving mistake, preoccupied as she was by her PhD studies and her warm maternal love for her child.”

Well after the crash, she leapt out of her car and charged the soldiers, trying to stab them with a knife she just happened to be carrying. 

As your typical PhD student does.  I remember my dissertation defense, for example, when I went in with my notes, a binder full of research materials, and a scimitar that I always carried to class.   

The next time some lefty whines about Marjorie Taylor Green, remind them that Rashida Tlaib — and Ilhan Omar, and Maxine “Melting Face” Waters, and AOC, etc. — are elected Democrat congress creatures.

Nominee #4: Imhotep Pelosi, Mesopotamian Mummy and Speaker of the House.  In late August, the Botoxed One stopped GOP House members from reading, on the House floor, the names of the 13 American military members killed at the Kabul airport as a result of the most incompetent withdrawal in human history. 

When GOP members requested the opportunity to read the 13 names, Pelosi raised the gavel with her dessicated arm and closed the session, rather than let that happen.

To be fair to Pelosi, the GOP was also trying to raise some questions about the Kabul cluster-schtup in addition to reading the names.

But why would anyone want to be fair to Pelosi?  That frozen-faced harpie has been the bane of every society she’s ever wielded power in, starting with her early position in the administration of Cheops the Malevolent in 1568 BC and continuing right through until today. 

In any other month, all four of these nominees would be serious contenders for “Worst of the Month.”  But not for August of 2021.  Because one nominee clearly dodders over all the rest.

Sorry, “towers.”  Towers over all the rest.

In seven short months, Biden has stumbled his way past Jimmy Carter into the undisputed position as the worst president we’ve ever had.   It almost beggars belief, but if the Slurring Scrantonian just called a (coffin) lid on his presidency right now – going home to lie in state for the next three and a half years and doing no further damage – he would still be our Worst. President. Ever.

I know that you’re all sick to death of all of the Afghanistan talk, and so am I.  Sadly, none of us are strangers to bungled foreign policy misadventures; we live in a fallen world, and politics is full of politicians, and debacles and mistakes will be with us always.

But what Biden did in Afghanistan goes beyond anything I could have imagined.  If somebody purposely tried to screw everything there up, he could not have made such insanely destructive decisions.

Let me point to 4 examples that I still can’t quite make myself believe:

1.Biden gave up Bagram air force base — in the most treacherous and idiotic way possible – and kept the Kabul airport.

Bagram had a longer runway and space for several others that could be used in an emergency, and was large enough to house 10,000 troops.  It had a jail that could hold 3000, plus barracks, a hospital, cafeterias, etc.  It was surrounded by a security buffer zone that made it much more easily defensible, and it contained tons of weaponry and war materiel.

The Kabul airport was a commercial one, with minimal security features – no barracks or weapons in place — with one shorter runway, located in a densely populated and indefensible urban setting. 

You don’t have to be Sun Tzu or Von Clausewitz to recognize that giving up Bagram – not to mention withdrawing troops BEFORE evacuating people! – was an incomprehensibly moronic military decision. 

And Biden made that decision even worse, by sneaking out of Bagram in the middle of the night on July 1st, without even telling the Afghan army, who were supposed to be our allies!

2.  Biden and his lackeys intentionally gave control over the withdrawal to the Taliban! 

When terrorist leaders offered Biden control over Kabul in early August to help speed up our withdrawal (and their victory), Biden refused, saying that we’d control the airport and they could control the city.  When the obviously predictable happened, and our citizens and allies started being blocked from getting to the airport, Biden gave a list of our people and allies – the ones that the bloodthirsty mullahs obviously want to find and murder – to the terrorists, so that would know who to let through!

You can’t make this up: He gave a ready-made kill list to our terrorist enemies!

3. Even though we knew many months in advance that we were going to withdraw, we needlessly left behind one of the largest military treasure troves in history.   You’ve all heard the numbers: hundreds of thousands of rifles, machine guns and small arms, thousands of night-vision equipment sets, hundreds of armored vehicles, dozens of deadly, advanced helicopters, and four gigantic C-130 airplanes. 

In total, we left some of the worst people in the world – voluntarily and unnecessarily – nearly 100 billion dollars worth of arms!

And don’t overlook the last item I listed: 4 C-130 airplanes.  Those are the humongous ones, capable of carrying literally tons of material – armored vehicles and heavy weaponry and many, many troops — in each flight.

To give you an idea how big they are, if you lowered the loading ramp of a C-130, Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion could walk up it side-by-side, and neither of their enormous behinds would touch either of the side walls.

That’s how huge a C-130 is!  And we left 4 of them on the ground, for no reason.

Can you imagine how stupid you have to be to do that?!  You could talk to the thickest dullard in the most remedial class in the worst middle school in any terribly run Democrat city in this country, and you could easily get this point across. 

You could probably even make AOC understand it. 

In fact, here’s how that conversation would go:

AOC: What’s a C-130?

You: It’s a gigantic airplane.

AOC: Is it big enough to fit Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s enormous arses in it?

You: That’s a weird question.  But yes.  Yes it is.

AOC: And when we leave, we want to take everything we can with us, so the bad guys don’t get it?

You: Exactly.

AOC:  So… why don’t we fill those 4 giant planes with all of that yucky gun stuff and fly it out of there?

You: You mean that you wouldn’t just leave those planes and all of the weapons they could carry for the bad guys to terrorize and kill people with for many years to come?

AOC (turning her empty little head to one side the way my Aussie shepherd does when she’s thinking):  Wouldn’t that be stupid?

You: I never thought I’d say this, but would you consider being a general, or the president?

And, scene.

4. It probably speaks ill of me, but the most heartbreaking part of this whole disaster was when I saw the report that we had left as many as 100 military dogs to the tender mercies of those hateful, anti-canine Islamo-fascist scumbags.  To think of those loyal, intelligent animals, abandoned to those creeps…

And for NO FRIENDING REASON!  One C-130 flight could have carried all of those dogs and their handlers, plus enough dog food and Taliban thigh-bones and genitals for them to gnaw on for the rest of their lives!

Planes were leaving Kabul half-empty, and each one of those empty seats could have held a beautiful war dog! 

Think about that: mentally fragile idiots all across America are taking emotional support marmosets on commercial flights every day, and we couldn’t get faithful service dogs out of that hellhole?! 

I know that their handlers would have gladly paid for their flights, or gone there to bring them out themselves.  I’m sure that the CO nation would have happily pitched in to buy an actual farm upstate, to which those beautiful animals could have gone and lived out their lives in well-deserved pampering. 

Hell, COSE and I would have gladly adopted all 100 of them between the two of us, and wept tears of joy for the honor of doing it!!

So there you have it.  The Worst Person of the Month for August was our horrific president, and it wasn’t even close.  

If I mentioned the letters “FDR” and “POC,” to you, you would probably think of the president who turned a brief recession into a devastating decade-long depression (though at least he never abandoned Sherman tanks and B-17s to the Germans in Bastogne!) and “people of color.”

But from now on, I am replacing the acronym “POTUS” – when talking about Biden – with “FDR POC,” in honor of the mother of dead Marine Rylee McCollum, who called Biden a “Feckless, Dementia-Ridden Piece of Crap.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself, Mrs. McCollum.  Your son deserved better, and this nation deserves better.

Semper Fi.

Avenatti–Literally Anyone Other than FDR POC, 2024!

Struggling to Stay Optimistic During the Worst Foreign Policy Debacle Ever (posted 8/30/21)

What a terrible week this has been, even before the bombing in Kabul. I started a column early on Thursday, mocking some of the criminal incompetence of the bumbling Biden administration. But when the bombing happened, I dropped it; in the face of so much tragedy, it felt small-minded to write anything at all about these fools.

But after the last four days, I can’t stop myself. If I don’t spit a little bile their way, I’m going to either choke on it, or have a stroke. These people need some lambasting and mockery, and I can’t refrain from adding my small-minded rant to the chorus that is — rightly — raining down on them.

But if you are not in the mood for this right now, I don’t blame you. Please feel free to skip this column, and we’ll catch up on the next one.

Before I lay into anyone else, I need to blame myself, too. In my last column, I mocked Clarissa Ward, a journalist reporting from Kabul. In my defense, she said the words, “They’re chanting Death to America, but they seem friendly.” I don’t care who you are: that was a very stupid thing to say.

But since then I’ve heard excerpts on Ben Shapiro’s show of other reports she’s been filing, and it sounds like she’s actually providing an honest bounce on the nightmare that has been developing in Afghanistan. Plus she’s a woman reporting on a bunch of misogynistic, violent creeps in a hell hole country, and that requires far more courage than it takes for me to snark about it from the safety of Stately Simpson manor.

So I take it back, Clarissa Ward. Mea culpa.

For those of you scoring from home, this means that the title of Stupidest Liar in the Media is up for grabs again. The large clot of morons reporting during spasms of violence, arson and looting all last year that the protests were “mostly peaceful,” are still strong contenders.

But boy is this year giving us a crowded field!

It’s hard to rule out Hacky Psaki. Recently, she decided to pick a semantic fight when Peter Doocy asked a question that included a reference to Americans who were “stranded” in Afghanistan.

Not since the Arkansas Horndog quibbled over what the meaning of ‘is’ is has someone made him/herself look as simultaneously childish and dishonest.

When Hacky objected to the term “stranded” and Doocy pushed back by noting that, you know, Americans ARE stranded there, Jen sounded like a snooty high school girl: “I’m just calling you out for saying that we are stranding Americans in Afghanistan when we have been very clear that we are not leaving Americans who want to return home, we are going to bring them home and I think that’s important for the American public to hear and understand.”

It’s never a good thing to get extra indignant when you’re in the act of telling an outrageously obvious lie. But “calling you out?” What adult says that?

I half-expected some of the MSM lapdogs in the room to taunt Doocy with, “Oooh, you’ve been called out by the Ginger Goon! Burn!”

In a perfect world, Doocy would have had the chance to pummel her with a follow-up. “If stranded doesn’t work for you, what verb would you prefer? ‘Trapped?’ ‘Stuck?’ ‘Abandoned?’ ‘Boned?’ ‘Up Schumer creek without a paddle?” Or, “It’s a real ‘abandon all hope, ye who enter here’ moment for Americans in Kabul right now?”

But just when you thought no one could out-stupid the Hackster, Anthony Blinken stepped up to the plate.

Chris Wallace asked him, “Does the president not know what’s going on?” Now that should be the easiest lay-up ever. Any Sec State asked that question should thunder, “Of course he does! I’m outraged by such an insulting question. The president in continually consulting with experts and advisers, and he is in absolute command of the situation!”

But Blinken can’t say that, because even in a room full of leftist lickspittles, he’d be laughed out of there.

Instead, if you pause the video right after that question, you can almost get a glimpse behind Blinken’s eyes, where his shriveled conscience is dying to scream out, “NO! Obviously not! Have you seen him lately, or watched anything he’s done?! He’s not there! What are we gonna do now? Game over, man! Game over!” (Hat tip to a hysterical Bill Paxton in Aliens.)

Instead, in that dark night of his soul, Blinken betrayed his last shred of humanity, and gave the most sequitur-less non-sequitur in the history of non-sequiturs: “Chris, all I can tell you is what I’ve heard. And, again, this is a powerful, emotional time for a lot of allies and partners, as it is for me, as it is for us.”

Good lord. You almost have to feel sorry for the miserable dope. Almost.

Try to imagine a world in which such a lame response would work. Every bad actor, when caught dead to rights, would use that line.

When FDIC examiners confront a bank president: “How do you explain the millions of embezzled cash in your offshore account?”

When an objective journalist (HA!) asks Obama, “Where are all those shovel-ready jobs you promised? And why have I not been able to keep my doctor, or my health plan?”

When Hillary charges into Bill’s home office, causing a startled intern to bang her head against the bottom of his desk drawer and swallow her retainer when she hears, “CAW CAW CAW???”

Would any of those guilty jerks be able to get away with saying, “This is a powerful, emotional time for all of us?!”Of course not. But that’s what our Secretary of State is reduced to, in the service of what’s left of Joe Biden.

As bad as he’s been already, it’s so depressing to watch Biden’s mind-bogglingly horrible actions in Afghanistan, and how much damage he’s done to our reputation, and our ability to be trusted by any allies or feared by any foes in the future.

I know that our hearts all go out to Kathy McCollum, the mother of Rylee, a Marine who was killed in the airport bombing. In a tear-filled cry of anguish, she mourned her son, and called Joe Biden a “feckless, dementia-ridden piece of crap.”

I usually hate it when people gratuitously insult our leaders, because that so often bespeaks hysterical over-reaction arising from legitimate political disagreements, or the unhinged passions of the speaker.

But the truth is an absolute defense against charges of slander, and in this case, I defy anyone to say that Kathy McCollum is wrong, or that her emotions are un-earned, or disproportionate.

This site is called Cautious Optimism, but it takes a real, hard-core optimist to find some silver linings in this sky full of dark clouds. But let me try.

1. Some of you probably have pretty tough jobs. You might be cops, who have to deal with depraved criminals preying on innocent people. You might be in the secret service, and have to protect politicians who in a just world would be horsewhipped and run out of town on a rail. You might be in the military, and have to serve under contemptible creeps who are betraying our nation.

But on the bright side, at least you don’t have to imperil your soul by trudging out in front of cameras and trying to defend this train wreck of an administration.

2. You may have had to watch while our egregious left has piled up trillions in debt; let in millions of illegals; used a pandemic to manipulate an election and cripple our economy, and committed the worst foreign policy blunder in US history.

But on the bright side, at least nobody is tweeting about Rosie O’Donnell’s continual struggle with her weight anymore.

Ugh. I can’t do it. I can’t find any real silver linings in this terrible time.

Ooh, I’ve got one. Because our military is so much better at their job than this administration is, they were able to take out a couple of evil ISIS members with a drone-fired missile the other day.

Eager for some good news, I read a story in PJ Media about that strike, and learned a few of the most satisfying details from a military story since our special forces used super-cool war dog Conan to help corner and kill smelly ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in 2019.

On Friday, we used a drone called the Reaper – greatest drone name ever, by the way! – but we used an innovative warhead for the first time. This one doesn’t explode. Instead – and I quote – it “ejects a halo of six large blades stowed inside the skin of the missile, which deploy at the last minute to shred the target of the strike.”

The military likes this because it allows destruction of a target with less chances of civilian casualties. But I LOVE it, because – in case you forgot this part — it EJECTS A HALO OF BLADES!

The official military name for the warhead is the R9X. Because the military is much less great at weapon naming than it is at killing bad guys.

But the unofficial name of the warhead is amazing! They call it the “flying ginsu.”

That’s it. As long as we’re a nation who can come up with the constitution, the second amendment, the Mustang (plane and car), Johnny Cash and the Flying Ginsu, we’re not out of the fight.

Some day soon Feckless Joe is going to be gone. We’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do, but we’re still going to be here!It’s been a long 4 years, and an even longer 29 weeks!