Spoiler alert: at the end of this column, you will find my ground-breaking plan to improve our nation’s criminal justice system. And I only use the hyphenated adjective “ground-breaking” because “epoch-making” sounds a little too full of myself.
But basic honesty forces me to admit that this brilliant idea would single-handedly improve our justice system by 28%, while not costing us a single penny. And no, it does not involve giving our police more funding and support, introducing flogging for all rioters, or stepping up executions for rape and murder.
Although all of those are also great ideas, and have my full support.
But you will have to wait until the end of this column to read this idea. In the meantime, I will comment on two other stories.
First, it probably doesn’t speak well of me that I get so much entertainment out of people doing dumb things, although that certainly has been mitigating the pain of the early years of the Biden administration. In particular, I’ve been entertained by one of the most powerful blockheads in our government, and the second most obnoxious doctor in America, after “Dr.” Jill Biden.
It’s been obvious that Dr. Fauci – and if he hasn’t yet been called “Dr. Faux-ci” in print yet, I copyright that term, right now! — is a political hack for quite some time. But because he’s a doctor, and has gravitas-suggesting white hair, and often wears a lab coat – even though he was last in a lab when Galen was publishing his breakthrough treatise on strategic leech application – we assumed that he’s at least smart.
Sidebar: yes, that was a comedically appropriate ancient Roman physician reference. Boom!
But now I think we need to see his med school diploma, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find that it was issued by the Southeastern Caribbean Medical School of Advanced Phrenology and the Barbering Arts.
Because he’s not just a liar, he’s a very dumb liar.
The first rule of lying – you may know it from grad school by its formal name as “the Clintonian Theorem” — is that you NEVER admit that you were lying.
You duck, you dodge, you obfuscate. If all else fails, you pull out a smoke bomb, dash it on the floor, and disappear before the smoke clears.
But you never, EVER say, “Ahhh, you caught me! I was lying, and you fell for it. Suckers!!”
And yet last year, less than a month after saying that people don’t need to wear masks because of covid, Faux-ci said the quiet part out loud; he admitted that since he wanted to be sure that there were enough masks for medical personnel, he’d told the little people that masks don’t help.
But NOW, he said, “Sure I was lying then, but I’m telling you the truth now: wear a mask, lest thou shalt surely die!”
Then, four months later: you might still die if you only wear one mask, so wear two masks.
Days after that: obviously, three masks are better than two.
Two days after that — during which even Fredo Cuomo, Joy Behar, and Mr. Galloway’s second-grade class at Cesar Chavez Middle School in Needles, CA said, “that’s ridiculous!” — Fauci backed off, saying, “JK! But you’ve got to wear one mask though, for reals.”
Well he has recently topped himself. Because when he was getting grilled last week by Rand Paul, Fauci didn’t just step on a rhetorical rake: he jumped on it with both feet, whacking his mendacious noggin with great force.
Paul pointed to the mountains of recently-exposed data showing that covid almost certainly came from a Chicom lab at Wuhan – which Fauci and our entire MSM have been denying was the case for over a year now – and focused specifically on “gain of function” research.
When Paul painted Fauci into a corner, Fauci tried to dodge, denying that the NIH directly funded gain-of-function work at Wuhan. Paul dug in, stating that a US doc in NC – Dr. Ralph “Wreck-It Ralph” Barrett – worked together with a Chinese virologist from Wuhan on that very research.
That’s when Fauci once again emphatically beclowned himself: “Dr. Barrett does NOT doing (sic) gain of function research. And if it is, it’s according to the guidelines, and it’s being conducted in North Carolina!”
Leaving aside the false implications in that denial – info was shared between NC and Wuhan, which is why the modified virus was in the Wuhan lab before it escaped to plague the world — Fauci blurts out the damning admission that proves that he’s a liar: ”Barrett is NOT doing that… and if he is, it’s by the book…”
Ouch! That’s Moronic Lying 101.
Every mouth-breathing bully in juvie, after a fight in the cafeteria, says, “I didn’t beat up that kid. And if I did, he started it…”
Every stoner at a police roadblock says, “There are no drugs in my car. And if there are, they’re not mine…”
Every scandal-ridden horndog politician says, “I didn’t nail that intern. But if I did, it was consensual…”
Ugh. It’s past time for Fauci to go.
A story I’d classify under the theme of “the skies are darkening with flocks of chickens coming home to roost” comes to us from the NY Daily Mail on 5/28. It’s entitled, “Homeless Shelter to Open Smack-Bang in the middle of NYC’s Billionaire’s Row.”
To which the only properly empathetic response is, “HA! HAHA! HAHAHA!!”
It seems that the evil one-percenters living around 158 W. 58th Street – I’m happy to say that I have no idea where that is – have had a setback in their three-year lawsuit to prevent terrible leftist mayor duh Blasio from going ahead with his brilliant plan to open a homeless shelter there.
Normally I side with citizens who are getting screwed by the idiotic utopian schemes of power-mad leftist politicians. But the irony here is too sweet. Because I’m sure that none of the rich protestors have voted for anyone other than a leftist for many decades, and they’re likely the types who have been lecturing the rest of us on how we are so cruelly unsympathetic to those noble victims of our evil society, the virtuous un-housed community.
And now, when their elected virtue-signalers are doing to them what they’ve been doing to the rest of us for years, these arrogant hypocrites have suddenly decided that they don’t want to live cheek-to-jowl with a horde of malodorous, mentally-ill meth-enthusiasts?!
Well, it turns out that quality of life is a very real – if not precisely quantifiable – asset.
Time to start paying your fair share, comrades!
Okay, I’ve teased it, and you’ve waited long enough. Here is the revolutionary criminal justice reform that is going to kick-start a campaign to create a Nobel Prize for Criminal Justice Reform, and then to unanimously award it to me:
I’m sure that you’ve all heard of the death tax, whereby taxpayers who pay a boatload of taxes on everything they earn and own over decades, and then when they die, the government muscles in and grabs the wallet out of their burial suit to take one more cut before their grieving family settles their estate.
My idea is as tremendous as the death tax is terrible. I call it, “The Career-Criminal Death Tax,” or CCDT.
You may have noticed that the families of many of the career criminals who have recently died in clashes with police as they pursued their profession of crime-committing have received multi-million-dollar settlements from taxpayers. (To cite just one example, George Floyd’s family got $27 million.)
As a legal scholar – I’ve read many John Grisham novels and watched many episodes of Court Cam and Judge Judy – I understand that such awards are often meant to punish police departments for alleged wrong-doing. But I also know that in many states, when someone with back child support or IRS debts wins the lottery, those debts are often deducted from the lucky, innumerate debtor’s winnings.
Enter the CCDT. I propose that anytime a career criminal’s survivors get a windfall settlement from the taxpayers, that money should temporarily be held in escrow, during which time it should be used to first pay back all of that’s criminal’s victims, plus the taxpayers’ costs incurred because of the dead guy’s criminal and/or irresponsible behavior.
For example, imagine a totally hypothetical criminal, with an equally hypothetical $27 mil in his posthumous bank account.
Now go back through that person’s criminal record, and tally up his victims, from the store clerks, gas station attendants and pedestrians he robbed or assaulted, to the pregnant woman he held hostage with a gun jammed against her belly while his buddies robbed her place, to the convenience store owner where he passed counterfeit bills.
The CCDT dictates that each of those victims gets a proportional chunk of that money, up to at least mid-six figures each.
Next, we tally up how many years that felon spent in prison. We have accounting data to tell us how much per day it takes to keep a convict in a state or federal jail. So add up those costs, and subtract that from the $27M, and refund it back to the taxpayers.
Next, if the dead criminal spent years getting various types of assistance – food stamps, housing allowance, free public defenders, etc. – total that up, and deduct it from the $27M. Back to the taxpayers.
And before you object, I know that there are legitimate reasons to have a social safety net, and that some welfare payments are legitimate, and are not legally subject to reimbursement if someone later becomes a productive citizen. But if he’s a lifelong creep who only comes into any money after he dies during the commission of yet another crime?
Back to the taxpayers.
Finally, if there’s anything left of the settlement after that, check one more thing: how many kids did that miscreant produce? If he married the mom and responsibly took care of the kids – HA! – his estate is off the hook.
But for the other 99.99% of the deceased criminals, tally up the amount the taxpayers shelled out to feed, house, and (sadly, often) incarcerate their kids. Since those kids were the criminal’s moral, legal and financial responsibility, if he happened to come into a windfall because he fought with cops, tased cops, shot at cops, or tried to run-down cops, that windfall should be taxed to extract enough to re-pay the costs for his kids that he didn’t pay in life.
Would I add accumulated interest to those payments, you’re probably asking, as you take notes and prepare to call your elected representatives to urge passage of the CCDT?
Only if there is any money left after all of the above deductions were taken, and only to the extent that every last penny the dead criminal’s family was going to get has been given to his victims and the taxpayers instead. Then we call it even.
“But how will this make the dead creep’s posse feel?” you are not asking, because who gives a Schumer?
The survivors who sired, birthed, slept with or otherwise shared the destructive trail that the deceased criminal trod might ask this question: “If the victims and the taxpayers get all of the money awarded to our dead jackass son/baby-daddy/dead-beat dad/co-conspirator, it’s almost like we won’t be able to profit from his easily anticipated and probably richly deserved demise at all!”
To which we will say: Exactly!
So that’s it, people. Call your elected pols and urge them to pass the CCDT.
In the meantime, I’ll wait right here, anticipating the day when you all burst through my front door, heave me up onto your shoulders, and carry me off to the Nobel Prize ceremony, chanting, “Simpson, Simpson!” all the way.
Avenatti/Dr. Faux-ci, 2024!