This past week was another interesting one for Democrat watchers. In the wake of New Hampshire, the race for the Dem nomination is starting to look like an incipient train wreck. Unless, that is, you like watching trains wreck.
In that case, it’s like watching trains just missing each other. But then ramming into a semi-truck stuck on the tracks, and driving that truck into a bus full of nuns, and then driving the truck and the nun-filled-bus into a junior high school. And the train was carrying coal and lighter fluid, and the truck was full of propane, and the train conductor and truck driver were smoking cigarettes, and the nuns were smoking pipes, for some reason.
It was a mess, is what I’m trying to say.
First among the losers had to be Joey Gaffes, whom I’ve always expected to fall apart. But I thought that he’d slowly lose steam, like the Cheshire Cat, gradually fading away until there was nothing left but those frighteningly white choppers of his.
But instead, this guy imploded at record speed! He was the undisputed front-runner for almost a year, despite waving more red flags than a suicidal bullfighter in a May Day parade in Red Square.
He bled from the eyes, he didn’t know what state he was in or who he was talking to. Still the front runner.
He told stories about confronting absolutely fictional ethnic gangbangers named after breakfast cereals, and minority children sitting on his lap and smoothing down his leg hair. Still the front runner.
He called voters fat, and challenged them to push-up contests and IQ tests. (Both of which he would likely score less than 20 on.) Still the front runner.
But then voters get a chance to actually vote, and he can’t crack the medal stand in either of the first two states.
But it was worse than that. Because when a voter asked him about what his terrible finish in Iowa meant to his electability claims, he famously called her, “a lying dog-faced pony soldier.”
First, great strategy: when confronted by someone you are trying to get to vote for you, insult her.
Second, when you want to insult someone, it shouldn’t sound like you just created a mad lib by playing 52-card-pick up with a pile of cards with random adjectives and nouns written on them. Could that ever turn out well? (You hirsute, buck-toothed mammal botherer!)
See. Even when I do it, it sounds stupid. And I am a famously brilliant insulter.
I have a theory to explain why Biden said that.
Actually I have two theories. First, the obvious: dementia.
But second, I think he may have been preoccupied with the news that Hillary had just given several interviews suggesting that she might get into the race. Because “lying” could be an obvious, knee-jerk reference triggered by the thought of Hillary.
And pony? Enough said.
I’m not going to bring up dog-faced, because I am a gentleman, and I think I’ve made my point.
So if the Corn Pop Slayer was the biggest loser, who was the second biggest?
That had to be Grandma Squanto, who as recently as Halloween — she went as Mulan, and fooled no one (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – was the only serious rival to Biden, and was thought by many to be the smart-money pick.
But it turned out that her business was being a terrible candidate, and buddy, business was BOOMING.
She made videos in her own kitchen with her own husband as she drank a beer, and it was so phony that viewers did not believe that she’d ever drank a beer before. Or that that guy was her husband. Or that that room was her kitchen.
She took idiotic questions and gave idiotic answers. She said she she’d have a gender-confused 9-year-old pick her Secretary of Education.
She said that her health care plan would cost $32 trillion. With a “T.”
As in “Tonto can’t count.”
But she also proved herself a consistent leftist this last week, when she recounted the story of a young college kid who came up to her in a selfie line. The girl told her that she had $6 in her bank account, but she’d just donated $3 of that to Lizzie’s campaign.
Did Liz say, “You WHAT? I’m a multi-millionaire, don’t give me your last few dollars. Here. Here’s $100, go get yourself something to eat.”
Did she say that? Do you remember the part where I said that she is a consistent leftist?
She took the $3 and fluffed up her headdress with pride, saying, “That’s what we gotta do. We’ve gotta stay in this fight with people who are counting on us.”
Yes, broke and gullible people who are counting on you to tax them at 50%.
Thankfully, Warren did terribly in Iowa. In New Hampshire, where she’d expected to do very well, she came in a distant fourth. So it looks like there’s only one thing to say to Grandma Squanto.
You know that juggernaut campaign that you thought you’d assembled, and that you’d fine-tuned into a resentment-fueled vote harvesting machine?
Well, you didn’t build that, Lizzie. HA!
Bernie and Mayor Pete did the best in Iowa and New Hampshire, but both of them are scaring sane Democrats. They each have positions and attributes that attract far-left Dem primary voters, but repulse most of the rest of the voting public.
I guess you’d have to say that the winning Democrat, by default, was Michael Dinklage — I mean, Bloomberg — whose only hope was that the other candidates would stumble around and step on rakes and scare the horses and vomit on their own shoes.
Done, done, done and done.
Mike’s big move last week was to float the idea of picking Hillary as his VP.
Not Hillary Swank, or the ghost of Sir Edmund Hillary. Hillary Clinton!
Now I’m no political cartoonist. But if there are not rough sketches of Mike as a jockey riding Seattle Rodham-Slew on drawing boards all over this country, heads should roll!
What does it say about the Dems that their current front runners both appear to disdain the Democrat party? Bernie won’t even call himself a Democrat. After a century during which socialists in Russia, Germany, China, Cuba, Venezuela and dozens of other nations have turned huge swaths of the planet into poverty-stricken, polluted graveyards and wastelands… he’d still rather be called a socialist than a Democrat!
And Bloomberg, who used to be a lifelong Democrat, became a Republican when he wanted to run for mayor of NYC. Then he became an Independent for 11 years (Mike 3.0), before declaring himself a Democrat again (Mike 4.0) only 16 months ago!
How long do you think it will take for Mike 5.0 to come out as a vegan? And then for Mike 6.0: gender non-binary Whig?
(And let me save you some time: Mike 12.0? Scientologist.)
Last March – less than a year ago – Bloomberg gave an interview on camera saying that a national presidential campaign wouldn’t work for a guy like him, unless he – and I quote – “was willing to change all my views and go on what CNN called an apology tour.” When the small crowd laughed, he continued, “Joe Biden went out and apologized for being male, over 50, white…”
Fast forward about 9 months, and the Democrats show that they are incapable of counting portly white people in a gymnasium in Iowa. They conduct an impeachment so incompetently that it boomerangs on their own frontrunner, and raises the approval ratings of its target. They put their faith in a bug-eyed dope who couldn’t tell the truth if his pencil-esque neck was on the line, and a harridan so ancient and fragile that she had to pre-rip Trump’s SOTU speech before she could tear it with her trembling, dessicated mummy hands, in a childish tantrum that made Trump look like he had the gravitas of Pitt the Elder by comparison.
And Bloomberg said, “I could actually beat these idiots!” And what kind of a tour did he embark on, you probably aren’t asking, because you already know?
That’s right: an apology tour. He’s sorry for redlining. He’s sorry for working on Wall Street, and for making billions of dollars. He’s sorry for stop and frisk, even though it made black communities safer. He is just plain sorry!
I would not want to be a Democrat party bigshot right now. And not just because I’m winning at life, and they’re a bunch of lying, dog-faced pony soldiers.
In the past, the Dems had distinctive and separate constituencies – the white working class, blacks, unions, and women, for example. But catering to those wasn’t terribly daunting, since they had a lot of overlap. Many women are from the white working class. Many women are black. Many blacks are working class. Many blue-collar blacks and whites are in unions, or used to be.
But what do you do when your most energized constituency is made up of people who are animated by a lethal combination of utter economic ignorance – Make healthcare and education free, and then no one will have to pay for it! Raise taxes and increase regulations and make it tougher to open businesses and more people will open businesses and pay more taxes! Hooray! – and a toxic hatred of financially successful people?
But at the same time, your major candidates are all multi-millionaires, and two of them – including the one with what may be the best chance to win against Trump – are billionaires!
They’ve spent decades teaching their poor voters to hate the rich, and their female voters to hate males, and everyone to hate whitey. And now they may need to get all of those voters to vote for a rich, white male, lest they be beaten by a rich orange one!
Oh, sweet, sweet irony.
Avenatti/Avenatti’s cell mate 2020!