In large part because I am mature, and keep politics in their proper perspective – i.e. I recognize it as something which should never occupy too much of our time and energy, and as a sometimes entertaining, sometimes horrifying cavalcade of elected narcissists who reflect the manifest failings of us, the muddle-headed electorate – things have been looking up for me lately.
After a month or so of physical therapy, my meniscus is back at Olympic-athlete level, my family is healthy and happy, the weather is starting to get cooler, and football season is in full swing. And because I live in the best country in the world, I don’t have to lose sleep over things that have kept most of humanity awake at night for most of human history, and I take for granted so many blessings that I can’t count them. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it, and I’m feeling grateful already.
For example, the Democrat debate last week made me super grateful.
I’m grateful that my eye isn’t filling up with blood, and that I’m not perpetually on the verge of losing my dentures, and that none of my offspring is a drug addicted ne’er-do-well who left his wife to play a sickening game of Clinton-and-the-intern with his dead brother’s widow. Like Joe Biden.
I’m grateful that I’m not suffering from a deadly combination of restless arm syndrome and empty brain syndrome, like the Skateboarding Doofus.
I’m grateful that I’m not Spartacus, or Yang the Merciless, or Julian “wishes he were Fidel” Castro. Because, just look at them.
This is how strange the world is: Trump has somehow lost his last three press conferences, and yet he’s won the last 6 Democrat debates, hands down.
Look at the people on that stage. Amy Klobuchar has the charisma of a piece of plywood leaned up against a podium.
Kamala Harris has the intellectual dexterity of a thicker piece of plywood leaned up against a podium. She wants to prevent a president from being able to use Twitter to speak to the American public. She wants to use the Justice Department to “pre-clear” any law that the legislature would pass on abortion to stop it from going into effect. The climax of her rhetorical attack on Trump was – I am not making this up – “dude gotta go.”
And if you thought that she couldn’t say anything more stupid than that, she would only reply, “hold my comically over-sized ganja spliff and watch this,” and proudly recite a challenge that she recounted giving to Brett Kavanaugh. She defied him to name any criminal charge that sought to control men’s bodies. To which he was apparently too deferential to reply, “How about rape to start with, you dimwit? Followed by ALL OF THE OTHER ONES!, since you need to use your body to murder someone, or rob someone, or make an obscene phone call, or drive your car off a bridge and then leave Mary Jo Kopeckne to drown in it while you go shopping for phony neck braces. Also, are you under the impression that a baby in the womb is ‘a woman’s body’?”
And Kamala didn’t have the worst night, because that honor belonged to Grandma Squanto. Everybody took shots at her, and she looked ridiculous as she contorted herself into pretzels to avoid giving an obviously truthful answer to the question about whether her obscenely expensive plans would require middle class tax hikes. As she continued to duck and dodge, it almost looked like – for the first time ever – she got a little red in the face. #wemustneverstopmockingher
Only two of the Dems looked even intermittently good – Mayor Pete and Tulsi Gabbard – and then primarily because they looked comparatively moderate and reasonably smart. On the other hand, in the middle of that crowd, Chairman Mao would look comparatively moderate, and Forrest Gump would look reasonably smart.
As bad a week as the Dems on stage had, CNN’s week was worse. First, James O’Keefe’s Project Veritas came out with several recordings, one of which featured CNN boss Jeff Zucker urging his staff to keep focusing on impeachment, no matter what else happens in the news. As the head of a purported “news” network, Zucker – who I pointed out earlier looks like a giant, dishonest human thumb with glasses — is supposed to at least pretend to behave in an even-handed, unprejudiced manner. Of course he is nothing of the sort, and he does nothing of the sort, as anyone who has watched his network already knows.
Still, it’s fun to watch the truth laid out there, so that Zucker can squirm and twitch like he just got hit with a giant hammer.
I really admire O’Keefe, but his repeated successes should shame our entire MSM. As a young kid with a dream and a cheap camera, he’s been able to expose one corrupt leftist institution after another, while the entire bloated, over-compensated army of MSM hacks stumbles around in the dark.
Sure, if a nobody like Joe the Plumber dares to ask Obama why he wants to slap the middle class with ruinous taxes, the MSM is all over that story, and before you know it, they’ve interviewed a girl whose pigtails he pulled during recess in pre-school. They also track down the Kentucky high schoolers who smiled at a crazy Indian activist who was trying to provoke a fight, and they find decades-old emails from the Iowa fan who donated a fortune to a children’s hospital. And if you want someone to sniff out a flatulence joke made by Brett Kavanaugh’s buddies in a high school yearbook, they’ve got you covered.
But if a Democrat president is banging interns two at a time like Fredo doing cocktail waitresses, the MSM is mum. If another Dem president uses the IRS to go after his political enemies, or gets caught on a hot mike promising Putin to remove armaments from our NATO allies who might use them to resist Putin’s aggression, the MSM marvels at his “scandal-free” administration. If Joe Biden coerces a Ukrainian pol to fire an administrator who is looking into Biden’s son’s $50K per month no-show job – not to mention his shady ground-floor investment in a porn site called SWILF.com (the S & W stand for “Sibling’s Widows”), the MSM no habla Ukranian.
Where was I?
Oh yeah: Thumbkin hates the Trumpkin. But he also loves him some Grandma Squanto.
So as soon as the debate is over, CNN had multiple spokes-hacks grilling the other candidates about why they went after Land-o’-Lakes Lizzie. These are just a few of the actual examples from the post-debate questioning:
Van Jones to barely-mirror-fogging Klobuchar: “Is there something that you’re aware of now, you’re seeing the ascendance of Elizabeth Warren, and some of these other ideas that have you afraid?”
Fredo Cuomo to mayor Pete: “Warren was a target for you and others. Why?”
Dana Bash to Mayor Pete: “Why — I have a question specifically on Senator Warren’s answer to you on Medicare for all and how she’ll pay for it. But just broadly. Why did you think it was so important to go after Senator Warren tonight in a way that you haven’t before?”
Yes, you creeps! Why on earth would you ask pointed questions to the front-runner in the race that you are trying to win? What do you think this is, a competition for votes or something?!
When Tapper finally got the chance to interview Warren, he said, “I have to say based on the amount of incoming going your way, it seems like whatever the Democratic voters think, your colleagues think that you’re the frontrunner. Do you think any of the attacks that you faced tonight were out of bounds?”
I am not making that last question up. That’s the kind of hard-hitting journalistic question that General Tom Thumb’s foot soldiers tossed at their Cherokee champion: Do you think that the attacks on you were unfair?
Can you imagine living on a planet when any of those cretins would ever ask any GOP politician such a disingenuous softball of a question?
“Mr. Republican nominee, did you think it was fair when Joe Biden told black people that you’d like to enslave them again?” “Hey, Generic Conservative, do you think it crossed the line when every Democrat in the House called you a Nazi and a fascist?” “Yo, Orange Man Bad, would you say it was legitimate when we allowed a succession of lunatics to use our airwaves to accuse you of treason and call for your execution?”
CNN’s week might have been even worse, if ABC News hadn’t stepped on a bias landmine that drew attention away from CNN. In their rush to report how badly things are going in Syria – which had been a bucolic paradise for several millenia, until Trump got elected and ruined the world – they aired some footage of a vicious firefight, which they described as “appearing to show Turkey’s military bombing Kurd civilians in a Syrian border town.”
Even for people who have gotten all their knowledge of armaments from watching The Dirty Dozen, the Rat Patrol and Saving Private Ryan, that description didn’t seem right. Because as everyone knows, bombs go “wooooooooooooooo KA-BLAM,” whereas machine guns go “rat-a-tat-a-tat-tat-tat,” with an occasional bullet-whistling sound thrown in. The footage sounded like the latter, rather than the former.
Alas, as it turns out, the video wasn’t from Syria.
“Big deal,” you’re probably thinking. “So the footage was from Kurdlvania, or Turkey, or Iraq. All of those places over there are pretty much alike.”
Au contraire, my gullible friend. The footage was actually from… drum roll… wait for it…
Not “Kentucky” as in, “Kentucky province, Syria.” “Kentucky” as in, “right next to Tennessee.”
The geniuses at ABC couldn’t tell the difference between one of the biggest armies in NATO bombing civilians in the Middle East, and cell phone footage of a bunch of hillbillies blasting away with machine guns near Louisville.
I haven’t been to a prestigious J-school like those trench-coat-wearing wanna-bes, but the following details MIGHT have made me suspicious:
- Do that many people really have Southern accents in Syria?
- Weren’t there a suspiciously high number of powder blue t-shirts with a big “K” on them being worn by Kurdish civilians?
- Would ISIS members be quite so likely to holler, “Yee hah! I bet they heard that one prit’ near all the way over to Paducah!”
- Is there quite that much kudzu in the arid regions of Syria?
Nice job, media. Really.
Avenatti/”Dude gotta go” 2020!