I know. It’s only June 9th, and you’re already sick of hearing about Pride Month. But I feel compelled to add a little more ranting to the ongoing cacophony on this subject, presenting as it does the irresistible combination of out-sized cultural influence and the opportunity for some deserved lampooning.
To start with, am I the only one who remembers that pride is one of the 7 deadly sins, and thus not a promising tag for your movement and your advocacy month? In fact, pride is the chief of the sins, and the one that turned Lucifer into Satan. So, not a good label to establish for your cause celebre.
Even if you’re inexplicably going to pick one of the big seven sins as your brand, aren’t there more appropriate ones than “pride?” I mean, wouldn’t “lust” be an obviously better choice for a lifestyle group who places their sexual predilections at the center of their lives and identity?
And from what I’ve seen of the middle-aged fellas who are especially fond of wearing thongs and fishnets as they twerk their way through various drag performances, “gluttony” is a little more on the nose, isn’t it?
“Greed” might also work, since they certainly seem fond of shaking down every cowed corporation in the nation for lucrative sponsorships.
“Envy” is also at least in the ballpark, since many of the most vocal advocates go on and on about how the heteros have it so easy. “Why is hetero-normativity the norm? Why should the great love stories be ‘boy meets girl?’ Why should the straights have the logical pronouns, and be able to have babies without involving test tubes and alchemy and expensive human incubators?”
And what about “wrath?” How many dudes have you seen with a Dick Butkus vibe and a James Earl Jones voice screaming, “Call me ma’am!” or “If you don’t want to sleep with me, you’re a transphobic bigot!”
Or that old perennial, always rendered in the kind of enraged, spittle-flecked howl that is so persuasive in a public debate: “TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN!!”
In fact, the only one of the Big 7 that doesn’t seem to apply is sloth. Because these people are at work 24/7 to plaster the entire country and everything in it with rainbows and an increasingly ugly series of demographically suspect flags.
In addition to their poorly conceived choice of a moniker, the radical LGBTQ crowd (not the “Let’s Get Biden To Quit” folks, it goes without saying) are also calendar hogs.
Consider that the American standard for holidays until about 10 minutes ago was that even the biggest of them got only one day. Memorial Day. Independence Day. (No, it’s not “julyteenth.”) Veteran’s Day. Martin Simpson’s birthday.
All of those are hugely important, and all get only a single day. (Including the last one. Which really seems like it should call for eight days of gifts, doesn’t it?)
Even Jesus only gets two days. And He had to rise from the dead to get the second one! (So get out of here with your rank Christophobia, you Christophobes!)
But this week I learned – and I swear I am not making any of this up – that in addition to pride getting an entire month, October is also LGBTQ History Month, and March is Bisexual Health Awareness Month. So there goes a quarter of the year right there.
In fact, they can’t seem to get enough of awareness in general. You can celebrate during Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week (right after Valentines Day), Non-binary Awareness week (mid-July), Bisexual Awareness Week (mid-September), and Trans Awareness Week (mid-November).
You won’t be surprised to know that the calendar is also littered with awareness days – because months and weeks just aren’t enough – such as Intersex Awareness Day (26 October), Drag Day (16 July) and National Coming out Day (11 October), just to name a few.
Good lord, but that’s a lot of awareness! Do they think that any of us are NOT aware of them in 2023? In fact, the only day of the anti-hetero year that I’m looking forward to is April 12th, which is “LGBTQ Day of Silence!”
Which sounds fan-freaking-tastic right about now!
They also love themselves some visibility, for some reason. Mark your calendars now for Aromantic Visibility Day (5 June), Lesbian Visibility Day (8 October), and – of course – Transgender day of Visibility (31 March).
Again, just like with the awareness… do they not think they’re visible?
When I find myself walking down a crowded street full of eccentric “cis-gender” folks, interrupted only by a chunky guy with a Ron Swanson moustache wearing a sequined Diana Ross dress and a wig as tall as he is, beside a Jason Mamoa-type wearing a tiara, heavy rouge, a pink tutu and combat boots, you know what I call those two guys?
Extremely visible!
These people have more holy days than the most observant of Catholics, or the most Orthodox of Jews. I don’t even know if they have time to celebrate our traditional holidays.
But I will take a wild guess, and say that if they have a “D-Day,” you don’t want to know what the “d” stands for. (It might rhyme with “bildo.” Or possibly – and appropriately – “ick.”)
Colonizing the calendar isn’t the worst of it, though. Because they’re also elbowing the Stars and Stripes out of the way in favor of flying the pride flag on every flagpole they can get their hands on! (Grow up, you people with the same juvenile sense of humor as me.)
The rainbow flag is flying over the Wisconsin capitol building as we speak (thanks, Dem Governor Evers), among many other government buildings, and in thousands of public school rooms nationwide.
But the non-binary straw that should break our heterosexual camel’s back – c’mon, not every metaphor that flows from my over-taxed brain can be a masterpiece! – is that a graveyard for war veterans in Mississippi – the Biloxi National Cemetery – has raised a gay pride flag to fly among the American flags at the entrance to the cemetery.
If you go there this month, I’m sure you’ll say, “What’s with all the flags at the cemetery?” (And if you say that, be particularly sure to pronounce that fifth word VERY carefully, or you’ll be cancelled faster than the honored remains of many war dead are spinning in their graves in the Biloxi National Cemetery.)
As with most things “pride,” the relevant question isn’t, “Do you hate LGBTQ people?” It’s, “Why must extremist LGBTQ activists inject (eww!) their sexual preferences and identity into EVERYthing that happens all the time?!”
Seriously.
Yes, I’m sure that some of the vets buried in that cemetery were gay. A very few might have had gender dysphoria, too. But the vast majority were straight. Does that mean we need to have a heterosexual flag at the cemetery? If so, is it going to feature a couple of stick figures in the missionary position?
(The lady will have a ponytail, so you can tell who’s who.) (And don’t bring up Dylan Mulvaney, because he doesn’t count.)
And if the missionary enthusiasts get their flags, will fans of doggy style, cowgirl or reverse cowgirl also get theirs?
And what about the more niche fans, position-wise? Will there be no recognition of those who are aficionados of the butter churner, the snow angel, the standing wheelbarrow, or the spork positions?
And yes, those are all real things.
And no, I’d never heard of any of them, until I looked them up just now, as part of my onerous obligations as your humble Roving Correspondent. (You’re welcome.)
And for my wife, in case she reads this column, or otherwise stumbles across my recent internet searches and asks why I’m looking up “weird sexual positions?”
It’s research, sweetheart. Done for the great and powerful CO, and the CO Nation.
Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, the classic four positions are just fine the way they are.
Hey, everyone trying to come up with novel sex positions: You’re not some tantric yogi mystic, and heterosexual intercourse tops the list of things in this world that are NOT broken. So stop trying to fix it!
On a side note, I was going to make up a phony position and try to sneak it into that list to see if anybody could spot the fake. But all I could come up with was “the Hunter,” and it was so filthy and anatomically unlikely and gross that I gave up.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. Sexual predilection flags in public places? That should be a hard pass, in every schoolroom, and every state. And especially at cemeteries!
Speaking of which, let me be clear about one more thing: I am definitely NOT telling you to find Sam Kinison’s gay necrophiliac bit and watch it. Because it is not for the faint-of-heart, the weak-of-stomach, or the easily offended.
Really. Most of you are way classier than me, and that bit will likely not be your cup of tea.
But I’ll tell you what: I miss that guy!
Having said all of that, I do see some hopeful signs on the horizon, which suggest that the current trans-mania might be nearing the end of its peak-influence lifespan.
Sports bodies are starting to get a lot of heat about the dudes smashing the women in sporting events, and some have enacted bans.
And for once, lawyers might accidentally become a force for good (I kid my attorney friends!), by winning some huge amounts in suits over male-on-female bathroom assaults, or sports injuries, or discrimination cases.
And even though Bud Lite and Target seem to still be steering into the skid of the fiscal trans-annihilation they’re currently suffering, they now stand as a stark warning to other big businesses. If anything can influence spineless corporate boards to keep their weird sexual politics to themselves, watching two giants lose tens of billions of dollars just might do it.
A lot of parents of school kids are also getting activated by this stuff. They elected a GOP governor in blue Virginia, and they’ve recently been running through a lot of school board elections like Sherman through Georgia.
My favorite recent example this week comes from Glendale, CA, where a clot of trans activists and antifa thugs showed up to harass a bunch of Armenian-Americans who were protesting a big push to trans the kids in the local school district.
The “educators” were focused on getting as much sexual/gender ideology stuff into the curriculum as possible. One assistant principal “even told staff to teach children that every person is, by default, ‘queer’ and ‘socialist.’”
Oddly enough, the Armenians were not having that. They’re a pretty tough people – surviving a brutal genocide last century will do that to you – and although the lefties there threw hands first (as is their wont), you can probably guess how that turned out.
(Just for future reference: When a fight is brewing between androgenous trans activists and antifa basement-boys on one side and Armenians on the other, take the Armenians and the points.)
Finally, I know a lot of gays and lesbians, and many of them are not thrilled by being lumped in with the most radical science-deniers who are trying to share an acronym with them.
They realize that the “T” doesn’t fit well with the “L” and the “G,” and many of them know that many sexually confused young kids will either outgrow this social contagion phase, or else turn out to be gay adults. Assuming they don’t get manipulated into mutilating surgeries and dangerous drug regimens first.
I’ll close with a quote that is better than anything I can write on the subject. It comes from a short speech made in April by an award-winning, experienced Glendale school teacher named Ray Shelton. Shelton is gay, and he said the following during a contentious school board meeting:
“Two plus two equals four. The world is not flat. Boys have penises; girls have vaginas. Gender is binary and cannot be changed. Biology is not bigotry. Heterosexuality is not hate. Gender confusion and gender delusion are deep psychological disorders. No caring professional or loving parent would ever support the chemical poisoning or surgical mutilation of a child’s genitalia.”
Transgender ideology is anti-gay, it is anti-woman, and it is anti-human. It wants to take away women’s sports, women’s rights, women’s achievements—it is misogyny writ large.”
After he’d said those words, the tolerant and loving administration cut his mic off, and the next day they suspended him, and violated state confidentiality laws by sending out emails to parents about his terrible use of “hate speech” in the meeting.
Shelton has gotten a lawyer, and I hope he’s an Armenian with a chip on his shoulder and a daughter in Glendale schools.
In the meantime, I salute Ray Shelton! The only two ways to improve his speech?
First, shoehorn in the fact that Lizzie Warren is whiter than Tilda Swinton (#youknowwhatI’mtalkin’bout) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and then close with the most important three words this election cycle:
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Dylan “Billion Dollar Baby” Mulvaney, 2024!
Martin Simpson 