It turns out I was at the start of a 4-day flu last Thursday night, when I wrote my last column. I’d been feeling achy and a little thick-headed and feverish as the evening went on, and it didn’t help that I do most of my writing after midnight.
I took some NyQuil halfway through the column, figuring I’d have enough gas in the tank to finish up before the ‘Quil kicked in. And I did, and I finished and posted it around 4:00, then hit the sack and slept until noon.
When I woke up, I felt pretty lousy. I put on some coffee and washed down a couple of vitamin M (Motrin) with it, and I began to worry about the column I’d written and posted. Earlier in the week I’d made some notes on the “7 deadly sins” part, and the ridiculous amount of months, weeks and days devoted to the varying holidays celebrating non-hetero stuff.
But as the caffeine began to restore clarity of thought, I started half-remembering details that got me a little concerned. Had I looked up a bunch of odd sexual positions? (And was one of them “the spork?” Because if so, that’s pretty funny. And if not, what is going on in my semi-conscious mind to cause me to come up with that?)
And did I suggest placing bets on a clash between trans-activists and Armenians?
I had the uneasy feeling that I may have done a columnist’s version of drunk dialing somebody in the middle of the night.
So it was with a little trepidation that I opened FB and found and read my column. And my worst fears were relieved.
The column was no more eccentric or deranged than at least half of my regular columns. And no one posted comments like, “How far into the bourbon were you when you wrote this one?” or, “We’re worried about you.”
So I’ve got that going for me.
Also, “the spork” and “the butter churner” are both real positions, and they’re funny. And thus they’re not part of some weird sexual Rorschach test from my fevered imagination.
In fact, now that the fever has broken, I’d say that I stand by my late-night rantings: Half of the calendar year should not be devoted to various sexual enthusiasms. There should not be any flags other than the Stars and Stripes flying over military graveyards. And never bet against Armenians, when sexualizing children is on the line, to paraphrase The Princess Bride.
(Also, you can’t have too many Princess Bride references.)
Now that the fever has broken and I think I’ll be back to full strength tomorrow, I’ve got just a few thoughts on some smaller stories I came across when I was under the weather.
First, an encouraging story out of Denver caught my eye, probably because my daughter is there, being the best pediatric nurse west of the Pecos.
Last Tuesday there was an election in Denver, and a Hispanic incumbent named Candi CdeBaca lost badly, one month after she had called for white-owned businesses to pay “an additional race-based tax, which would be given in turn as reparations to minority-owned businesses.”
She’s a Democratic Socialist (you say tomato, I say gulag archipelago), and she gives off an AOC vibe to me, in that she is youngish, far-left, and says many stupid things. During her push for reparations, she excreted this gem: “Capitalism was built on stolen land, stolen labor and stolen resources.”
It doesn’t seem to occur to her that she’s thereby confessing that SHE lives on stolen land, benefits from stolen labor, and gets paid by stolen resources.
Thankfully, Commie Candi lost by over 20 points, which local media called “one of the biggest blowout losses in the last 10 years.”
I’d love to see more far-left groups push these kinds of racist, immoral and unworkable reparations plans. Mostly because the “mainstream” left has been promising these huge payoffs to their nutters, and they richly deserve the kind of blowback, infighting and electoral losses that will result when they can’t deliver.
Already Ken-Doll Newsom is having to scramble to avoid the ire of gullible grifters whom he led to believe would be in for millions in race-fare dollars each, when he established a high-profile reparations committee to look into the issue. A committee in San Francisco proposed giving as much as $5 million to each black CA resident.
Don’t ask where that money will come from, because it’s as real as Liz Warren’s Apache ancestry (#wemustneverstopmockingher). But Newsom still has to pretend, and continue leading them on.
Here’s hoping that Candi is the first in a long line of leftist electoral casualties of their dishonest race-baiting.
One final story comes from Washington, DC, yet another example of the kind of wise and competently governed big city that one-party Dem rule produces. Some context: in 2018 there were around 200 carjackings in DC. By last year, that number had ticked up slightly.
If by “ticked up slightly” you mean “skyrocketed by 500%.” To over 1000 carjackings in 2022.
How did the DC council (11 Dems, 2 Independents, 0 GOP) respond? By rewriting their criminal code… wait for it… to lower penalties for many crimes, including carjacking!
That was too much even for the late Joe Biden and the Dems in Congress, who over-ruled the DC council’s attempt to legislatively invite even more carjacking.
Fortunately, DC’s famously leftist hometown paper is one of the most influential in the country, so they’ve been all over the story. They’ve lambasted the city council’s idiotic approach, and called for the District to get tough on crime.
HA! I kid. They’ve actually put on blinders, clapped both hands over both ears, and loudly sang John Lennon’s “Imagine” to drown out the sounds of nearby carjackings and murders in progress. (Just like the leftist media in LA, NYC, Chicago, etc..)
But they did publish a response to skyrocketing crime, in the form of a list of tips to any non-criminals still remaining in DC, to help avoid being carjacked. Along with the usual advice about parking in well-lighted areas and paying attention to your surroundings, the WAPO includes these suggestions, which I am not making up:
“When driving, stick to the center lane. This makes it harder to access your car.”
Sure. Screw those morons driving in the right or left lanes; they deserve the mob of violent thugs who will be picking them off on both sides of you, while you safely glide along in your impenetrable center lane.
I mean, as long as you never need to turn either right or left.
“If you’re stopped, keep enough room for a way out. The more space you give yourself around other cars, it will give you a better chance to drive away if someone attempts to take your car.”
Perfect. Except if everybody is crammed into the center lane – to avoid the Hobbesian carnage in the right and left lanes – do you think there is going to be a lot of space between all of the drivers trying to avoid the World War Z situation unfolding on either side?
The final tip is exactly what you’d expect: if someone does try to carjack you, give up your car with no resistance.
What the brochure does NOT say, but what is still clearly implied: “After giving up your keys and car, loosen your clothing and assume the “catching” posture in the “butter churner” position, and place your fate in the hands of your attackers.
Or – and hear me out, because this might be just crazy enough to work – you could take a more Red-State approach.
Which would be to drive in whatever damn lane you choose, and if a couple of mouth-breathing Biden voters run up and demand your car, use the guns that our constitution allows you to carry to fire some warning shots into their chests and heads.
After which you drive over them on your way to the nearest police station, where you can report some possible damage done to your undercarriage.
Or, suit yourself. Stick with what you’ve been doing.
But if that’s your plan, let your predators know that you’re partial to the spork position, if that’s an option.
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Candi “Chewy” CdeBaca, 2024!
Martin Simpson 