Well it seems that Hillary is in the news again.
And I don’t just mean Tropical Storm Hillary (and God bless all of those in that storm’s path), which I first saw in a headline that I assumed was a snarky attack on the Pant-Suited One.
No, I’m talking about the interview she gave to cute little guy Rachel Maddow talking about the bogus Georgia indictments of Trump. That interview was a master class in sleaze, dishonesty and projection.
Hillary started out by laughing uproariously about the latest indictment. She tried to put on a serious face later – which was about as convincing as Liz Warren’s red face (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – and say that she did not “feel any satisfaction” from the impending show trials.
She went so far as to insist that she felt “great profound sadness,” even as she struggled to keep a straight face. (For the record, Ellen Degeneres, Martina Navratilova and Elton John all have way more convincing straight faces than the former First Enabler.)
Maddow started the interview by complaining about how terrible it is for people to question the legitimacy of elections. I swear that the following words actually came out of her mouth:
“If bad actors tell us falsely that every election was stolen, and that the only way an election is trustworthy is if they come out on top of it… it maybe wounds us as a democracy, and in a way that is hard to repair. What do you think about how we get better, after the wounds that have been inflicted on us through this process?”
Now if Hillary had a shred of self-awareness at all, at this point she would have been sweating like Que Mala in church. But no! She had the gall to begin her response with this observation – and again, as God is my witness, I’m not making this up: “Well I think, you know, the truth matters.”
She went on to lament the damage that has been done to, among other things, “our institutions” and “the rule of law.” And she wasn’t talking about the damage done by her, or Stacey Abrams or Al Gore or Lurch Kerry or everybody at CNN and MSNBC, or any other filthy election deniers!
As regular readers may know, I’m not generally one to question the justness of God’s judgments – no matter how much this election cycle is making me feel like Job.
But for that hideous woman to say that, and yet not be immediately turned into a pillar of salt (or alternatively, a pillar of fecal matter – which I think we all agree would be more appropriate, and which would require a lot smaller change in her chemical makeup), or at least having her pantsuit spontaneously burst into flames?
I’m just wondering if He might not owe Sodom and Gomorrah an apology, is what I’m saying.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Trump’s best accomplishment in office was appointing 3 mostly solid originalists to SCOTUS. But only slightly trailing that one was preventing a Hillary Clinton presidency, and the boils, locusts, rivers of blood, and the many other plagues that would surely have descended upon us with the inauguration of the Cankled Colossus.
No matter how angry Trump has made me in the last several years, and how much I’m hoping that we don’t nominate him and lose next year, I’ll always be grateful to him for that.
Moving from the nefarious to the ineducable, let’s check in on how well the mayoralty of Brandon Johnson is going in Chicago.
What’s that? You’re in Chicago, and you can’t concentrate on my truthful and wildly entertaining column because of all of the gunfire, and watching your life pass before your eyes?
Ok. Grab your laptop and drop to the floor, then crawl serpentine into your bathroom, and slither up and into your tub. Now you’re in the most bulletproof part of your residence.
So take a few deep, calming breaths. Remind yourself that if one of those bullets has your name on it, you’ll at least have died doing what you loved: reading the Cautious Optimism site.
Besides, the problem is practically solved, now that the Democrat brain-trust running your city has come up with a new plan they call, “The People’s Ordinance.”
I know: usually when you put “The People’s” in front of something – as in “The People’s Republic of Wherever” – it usually turns out to be a Schiff-show. But this plan is different. It’s grounded in—
Oh no, wait. It’s pretty much the same.
This plan is being pushed by Alderperson Maria Hadden (of guess which party), and it calls for all of the heavily armed Biden-voting youngsters who have been turning the Miracle Mile into the OK Corral to agree to a ceasefire.
I know (again): Why didn’t we think of that? Just ask the criminals to stop committing crimes! Brilliant!
For those of you who may sarcastically mock such a plan as hopelessly naïve – not to mention dumb as a bag of AOCs – you’re missing the best part. It’s not a call for a total ceasefire, because that’s just not realistic.
It’s a call for a ceasefire just from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. each day.
Which makes perfect sense. After being raised in fatherless homes and going to sub-par and dangerous public schools for years (run by guess which party?), these people are basically addicted to shooting people. And you wouldn’t ask a chain smoker to just quit cold turkey, would you?
No. You’d try to get him to gradually cut down from two packs a day, to a pack and a half, and then to a pack, and so on.
This is just like that. If the addict you’re dealing with is a three-clip-a-day man, you don’t just say, “Murder is wrong, so don’t shoot at anyone for an entire day.”
Instead, you listen to your wise alderman (from guess which party?) and say, “I know you usually go through three clips a day, but how about tomorrow, you try doing one less drive-by, and get by with firing four or five fewer bullets?”
Before you know it, they’ll be passing four elderly people a day, and three mothers with toddlers, and not busting a cap in more than one or two of their arses.
I wish I were making this up. But listen to Tatiana Atkins (guess which party), explaining the plan: “Our goal is to approach our city’s gun violence problem strategically and not all at once. Things didn’t begin this way overnight, and change won’t happen overnight.”
Well no, not if you’re ceding the nighttime hours to the criminals!
The only thing that’s going to be happening overnight is that law-abiding citizens will be putting on their Kevlar vests and Kevlar shin guards and Kevlar jockstraps – or maybe their chainmail dresses if they’re females, or Dylan Mulvaney types – and topping it off with a helmet from a suit of armor.
Then they’ll crawl into their bathtubs and try to read the Cautious Optimism site through the slats in their helmet visors as they reconsider their life choices.
I can’t believe that anybody in 2023 Chicago is still listening to these knuckleheads. The people behind “The People’s Ordinance” are asking for the thugs to thug only after 9:00 p.m to reduce risks for Chicagoans who are “not involved in high risk activities.”
Sweetheart, the vast majority of Chicagoans have been voting for Democrat candidates and policies for the last 100 years, and that is the very definition of a “high risk activity!”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw a pic of a wooden fence, brightly hand-painted with this message: “Don’t Shoot! I want to grow up.”
Yes, and people in hell want ice water, too. But if they keep voting for Dems and pro-criminal policies, they end up in hell.
With no ice water.
And that’s why, today and every day, we must say…
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Alderman Maria “Please don’t shoot, it’s only 8:30!” Hadden, 2024!
Martin Simpson 