Month: September 2023

As I was running through some headlines on RedState this weekend, I saw one that gave me pause: “US To Sell F-16 Fighters to People’s Republic of Vietnam.”  

I’m a pretty simple man, and I live by simple rules.  (The 10 commandments and the Golden Rule. Your word is your bond; the best defense is a good offense; you don’t put ketchup on a hot dog, etc.)  And when it comes to political questions, if a country’s name starts with “People’s Republic of” the answer is usually a hard NOPE! 

Especially when the question starts with, “Should we sell weapons to…,” you pretty much have me at “people’s republic.” 

However, the article suggests that since Vietnam has some ongoing tensions and conflict with China, this might be a worthwhile move, if only because it updates the old realpolitik truism that “the commie enemy of my much worse commie enemy is my friend.” 

Color me skeptical.  When you attach the “people’s republic” label, and the fact that this deal is being explored by the reverse-Midases of the Biden administration (i.e. everything they touch turns to shite), you’re already got two strikes.

But if it means potentially making life harder for the Chicoms, I’m listening.  Still, we should demand receipts. 

I saw what I think is some good news and some bad news for Trump this past week, and both reminded me of how much I despise the national Democrats.

One bit of mixed news was Trump’s 90-minute interview with Megyn Kelly on 9/12, which contained both good Trump and bad Trump. 

After the interview, Kelly had the great Victor Davis Hanson on to discuss it, and he had it about right, as he reliably does: Trump is so much better and less deserving of scorn than Biden that it is a national shame that he’s being treated the way he is while Biden is getting the kid gloves treatment.  (That’s my paraphrase of VDH, who along with Thomas Sowell is one of the wisest living Americans, IMHO.)

But he also acknowledged the weakness of some of Trump’s responses, including a non-response on what he’s doing now to stop the steal next time, and the fact that his skipping the GOP debates now is going to make it harder for him to insist that Biden absolutely must debate him in the general, and a few others.

When asked about why he showed such deference to Fauci until the end of his term, including giving him a presidential commendation on his last day in office, Trump said, “I don’t know who gave him the commendation.”   (Um, you did. In a face-to-face ceremony, when you were the president.  Which as the name “presidential commendation” suggests, is traditionally given by the president.)

Kelly ended that question by asking, “Wouldn’t you just like a do-over on that?”  Some might see that as snarky phrasing, but to me it was a slow pitch over the plate, and I was just begging to hear him say the obvious:

“Yes, I’m fallible like everyone else, and knowing what I know now, I wish I would have followed my correct instincts (I said it was from a Chinese lab early on, etc.) and sidelined Fauci very early on.  I’ve learned valuable lessons from my devious enemies in the first term, and I’ll use that knowledge to do even better in my second.”    

The good news for Trump is in the polls.  He continues to lead the GOP field by huge margins that appear to be growing, which is nothing new.   But for the first time, I’ve seen a “mainstream” poll – this one from the WAPO – showing Trump with a sizeable 10-point lead against Biden in the general.  Right now that’s an outlier, but if other polls begin to show the same results, it will ease the concerns of a lot of conservatives who fear Trump will lose the general.   (Like me, for instance.)

On the other hand, CO’s thesis (which I agree with) is that if it starts looking like Biden is clearly going to lose the election to Trump (or any other GOP nominee, for that matter) — if it’s a close call, the national Dems will use all of their trademarked chicanery to steal it – the Dems will force Biden out. 

They’ll replace him with Newsom (D-Barbie World), or Michelle Obama (Defensive End, Arkansas State), or some other leftist whose egregious flaws are much less known than Biden’s.   

I’m afraid that strategy may work, because the Dems always do worse when the spotlight is on their candidate and their policies.

The Left’s natural enemy is sunlight/exposure.  The twin pillars of their recent campaigns are slandering their opponents (racists, sexists, bigots, fascists, etc.) and clothing their own candidates in vague and glittering generalities and platitudes (he’s for the working class, she loves diversity, etc.)

The first strategy is a given, and as long as they control the MSM, it will always give them outsized returns.  But the second one is risky, primarily because the reality of their policies is disastrous, and exposure to sunlight will doom them.  Examples abound.

Offering “sanctuary” to abstract and noble immigrants sounds great; actually watching millions of illegals descend on your cities and break all of your infrastructure (education, social services, hospitals, prisons, etc.) makes even deep-blue mayors shriek, “It’s destroying our city!”

Talking about “Bidenomics” in the abstract is not nearly as bad as watching your mortgage rate double, and paying a king’s ransom for a bag of groceries and a gallon of gas.

Talking in abstract terms about “trans rights” or “women’s health care” sounds good; seeing a hulking dude with a creepy fetish in your grade-school daughter’s bathroom and taxpayer funding of late-term infanticide, not so much.   

Talking about the joys of “renewable energy” sours pretty quickly when you’re confronted by a giant mound of bird corpses at the base of a wind turbine, black-outs and brown-outs in a first-world nation, and utility bills that are as high as Hunter Biden in a roomful of hookers. 

The same thing goes for their candidates.  Biden stayed in his basement in 2020, because the more people saw him, the more they disliked him.  Hillary did much the same in 2016; everyone says her main mistake was not going to WI or a couple of other states that the Dems didn’t believe were in range for Trump, but I’m convinced they’re wrong.  Wherever she went she brought her inherent repulsiveness with her, so I don’t see why her showing up and CAW-CAWing at the cheeseheads would have helped her prospects there.

The horrible Katie Hobbs is governor of AZ now because she was able to hide and refuse to debate her much more intelligent and nimble opponent.   Fetterman almost lost his election when his one, late debate showed that he couldn’t talk or think.  (Fortunately for him, Oz was an uninspiring RINO, and the PA Dem machine rigged the rest.)   

For all of these reasons, the GOP candidate would be best served in ’24 by doing enough to highlight his differences with the Dems’ policies, and then keeping the spotlight on Biden, or whichever Dem takes his place. 

In this sense, I think Ben Shapiro (and others) have it right:  if ’24 is primarily about Biden, Trump wins; but if ’24 is primarily about Trump, Biden wins. 

And that’s why – all of my appreciation for Trump’s accomplishments during his presidency aside – I’m worried that he might have a special weakness, in that by his inclination and the Left’s design, he is always going to be the primary focus of attention in any election he’s in. 

That will help with some voters, but for the rest, I hope that all of conservative media and all of us can keep the spotlight on the leftist candidates and policies that have wreaked so much havoc these last several years.   

Have a good week, everybody!

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Tony “The Science” Fauci, 2024!

Okay, no time to waste.

John Fetterman has apparently recovered from his stroke, which is both good news and bad news. It’s good news for him, because he can now speak well enough to make himself understood.

But it’s bad news for him, because – as I believe I just mentioned – he can now speak well enough to make himself understood. So now all of us understand that he’s a petulant, arrogant, classless moron without the judgment to be employed as one of Liz Warren’s buffalo wranglers, let alone as a Senator.

(I know: a buffalo wrangler isn’t a thing.  But I wasn’t able to work a reference to Grandma Squanto into the last couple of columns, so that’s the best Indian-adjacent reference I could come up with on short notice.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

The Democrat voters should be ashamed of themselves for electing this hulking boor, and I hope he mortifies them every day for the remainder of his term.  

And even though plenty of Republicans do idiotic things – including cheating Kristi Noem, fun-first-date Lauren Boebert, and catatonic Chinless Cartoon Turtle McConnell – Democrats have elected Fetterwoman, Melting-Face Maxine Waters and Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine), along with dozens of others just as bad.

So before they open their mouths to say anything about any GOP dimwit, they can take some 50-year-old advice from Archie Bunker and stifle themselves.  (And yes, that’s just another example of the up-to-the-minute cultural references you get when you read my cutting-edge columns.  You’re welcome.)  

Hunter suing the IRS is great.  If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that a coconut that falls on a dumb guy’s head makes him into a genius, and he starts using words like “indubitably.”  But that’s not relevant right now.

But if tv has taught me at least one other thing, it’s that in our court system, a lawsuit ends up going through a discovery phase.  And for Hunter, as for most national Dems, discovery is the LAST thing they want.

Democrats who scream about conservatives “banning books” hate it when we discover that those books are mostly guides to oral copulation for pre-teens.

Democrats who scream about “trans rights” hate it when we discover that that means having a creepy dude Toobin-ing in a sorority shower room while the actual women there flee the place.

Democrats who generate a cloud of verbal fog about “women’s health care” hate it when we discover that they really mean aborting babies, even during the hours right before birth.

And for Hunter – a guy who has divided his time between grifting bags of cash out of corrupt foreign countries and snorting crack off the bare hindquarters of hookers from many nations – I don’t think he’s going to like what gets discovered during the discovery phase. 

Speaking of lefties and their unusual sexual enthusiasms, did you hear the one about the Democrat mayor who agreed to be spanked by a drag queen to raise money for a Democrat senate candidate? 

I know, that sounds like the set up for a horrendously unfunny joke.  And I guess it is.  But it’s also a true thing that really happened.  In California.  (Surprise!)

The mayor is named Konstantine Anthony.  And you may be thinking, “Hey, maybe other than this one weird proclivity for being spanked an overweight, unattractive dude in a bad dress and worse makeup, Anthony has his head on straight, and has his act together.”

Oh, who am I kidding?  Nobody thinks that.  And everybody is right.  Because Anthony supports defunding the police, since “the instigators of crime are poverty, mental health, economic issues, drug addiction [and] the family or locale you live in.”

Which makes perfect sense.  Because who among us hasn’t had her car stolen by poverty, or his house broken into by economic issues, or his mom sexually assaulted by the locale he lived in? 

Anthony is also an avowed Marxist.  (Surprise!) So when we look at the big picture, willingly getting spanked by a chubby perv is probably the most wholesome part of Anthony’s political behavior.

The only objection I have to the veracity of any of the details reported in the story is that the writer referred to Anthony as a “low-rent Gavin Newsom.”  That label wrongly implies that there is a high-class Gavin Newsom out there somewhere, which is obviously ridiculous.

Gavin Newsom IS a low-rent Gavin Newsom. 

In another political train-wreck I wasn’t able to get to last week, NPR did a story on Biden’s Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm (think AOC without the juicy booty – her words – or prominent choppers, and a lot older, but not one day smarter). 

It seems that Brandon’s been throwing huge piles of our tax money at American car makers to coerce them into losing billions making electric cars that most people don’t want and for which essential infrastructure doesn’t yet exist.  Also the cars require Chi-com-enriching and environmentally devastating batteries made of equal parts heavy metals and slave laborers’ tears, and they are actually powered by coal and nuclear power, since that is where we get most of our electricity.

But other than that, they’re great! 

So Biden sent Granholm on a four-day road trip this summer to show just how fantastic EVs are.

Unfortunately, the road trip didn’t take place in an NPR studio – where boys can be girls, and Marxism makes sense, and up is down – but in the real world.  Where EVs tend to run into real-world problems.  Like batteries that tend to lose energy like Hunter Biden after all of the hookers’ rear ends have been sniffed clean of cocaine. 

And like a severe shortage of reliable charging stations.  Which made for a hilarious self-own when Granholm’s small caravan of EVs – not including the most reliable models, from Tesla, because leftists are mad at Elon for supporting free speech – arrived at several stops where there weren’t enough chargers.  And some of them were broken, or too slow, or being used by American citizens who aren’t part of Her Highness Granholm’s posse.

That’s right, one of her minions arrived at a charging station early and blocked it so that she could use it when she arrived.  An American family with a small child who were prevented from charging up got mad enough to call the cops over it, and Granholm’s entire team ended up looking almost as laughably incompetent as they are.

And somewhere in DC, Mayor Pete took a break from his ongoing paternity leave for just long enough to thank Jenny G for at least momentarily bumping him out of the “most embarrassing energy-related Biden appointee” spot.

And now, as is my custom, I’ll close with a good news story, this one coming – unbelievably enough – out of Chicago! 

Regular readers will recall my praise for the internet site of Donut Operator, the hilarious former cop who posts various stories of police interactions with criminals.  He recently linked to a hugely satisfying short video of what happened when a criminal dullard tried to steal an off-duty female cop’s pistol.  (You can find it by searching “Donut Operator female cop attacked.”)

After she went out to calm down a disturbance and then turned to leave, a young thug grabbed her and tried to take her gun, snarling, “B*tch, give me that gun!”

The woman – who I am here and now nominating to be the next mayor of Chicago – immediately flipped the “tussle” switch.  She fought him for the gun while repeating what should have been a super-useful warning: “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”

The thug, who apparently went to Chicago’s union-run public schools, replied, “You gonna have to kill me then!”

And then, in the coolest dialogue outside of an Elmore Leonard novel or a Clint Eastwood movie, the bad-arse cop lady said, “Okay, watch this.”  And she shot him.  He responded by saying, “Ow, sh*t!” and then, quickly, “I’m sorry.” 

But he continued to struggle with her, so she shot him twice more, demonstrating once again the eternal truth of the phrase, “That iron get ya’ mind right.”   

Because his next words were, “You got me, you got me.” 

To which she responded, “I told you!  I told your dumb *ss I’ll kill you.”

And he said, “Okay, okay. Dang, you shot me for real.”

Donut puts the perfect capper on the story, shrugging and saying, “Anyway, he died.”

Though the video just now came to my attention, the crime happened back in January.  And now the deceased thug’s family is suing the city of Chicago for $10 million. 

I’m not sure what their legal argument is going to be, but I hope they receive the entire zero dollars that they’re entitled to. 

Have a good weekend everybody, and don’t forget…

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Konstantine “Spanky” Anthony, 2024!

All right, no time for small talk. I’m being buried by leftist lunacy that’s not going to mock itself.  So let’s go:

I don’t know if you saw it, but last Monday a small group of lefty jackasses showed up at House Speaker McCarthy’s office to protest that conservatives are forcing them to get AIDS, or something. (I knew that Trump’s bill requiring annoying leftists to have unprotected anal sex while sharing heroin needles was going to come back and hurt us in the polls!)

Half a dozen of them forced their way in, then sat on the floor, linked arms, and prevented any government business being done there until Capitol police were called to remove them.   

There’s a word for what they did.  And no – I’m way ahead of you – it’s not “Bidenomics!”

It’s “insurrection.”  At least according to our MSM and lefty elites since January 6^th.  So I guess we should expect that they’ll all be held in solitary confinement for at least a year, after which they’ll be sentenced to a few decades in federal prison?

I’m not holding my breath.

Unless I’m within arm’s length of any member of the Biden administration.  Because those guys stink.

Also this past week, two bodies of mummified aliens were displayed with great fanfare to a Mexican congressional hearing in Mexico City.  According to the ufologist, the bodies are between 700-1800 years old, and x-rays prove that they are definitely non-human aliens.

But take that with a grain of salt, because the ufologist has also claimed in the past that a sexually promiscuous pangolin caused covid, Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, and Joe Biden never talked with Hunter about his bribe-taking business.  

Still, the Mexican pols and US news media were giddy with speculation about what we might be able to learn from dissecting the desiccated alien corpses.  

Until one of them opened its eyes, sat up, and declared that she’s running for re-election in California next year.  

“Ay, dios mio!” shouted one terrified Mexican policeman.  “It’s Imhotep Pelosi!”

“Ella es el monstruo mas grande de la historia!” shouted another.  “Silencio por favor, Martino!” 

Then Pelosi shook the other alien to wake her up, and it turned out to be Dianne Feinstein.

All I have to say about this story is that at this point, if the alien corpse being kept under wraps at Area 51 turns out to be “Cocaine” Mitch McConnell, I will be no more than mildly surprised.

In foreign policy news, the Biden administration managed to shame our nation in three different countries within the last fortnight. 

First, you may remember the Biden administration’s savvy negotiating skills from that time when they gave Russia a blood-drenched Russian terrorist named “Dr. Death” in exchange for a WNBA player no one had ever heard of (I know: I could have just said “a WNBA player”) with way more loyalty to the island of Lesbos than to America.

Well last week Biden’s Keystone Diplomacy Cops topped that, by giving Iran 5 Iranian spies and $6 billion in exchange for their releasing 5 Iranian-American hostages.  When asked by reporters whether that deal wasn’t bat-guano crazy (I’m paraphrasing), sapphic kewpie doll KJP got indignant.  “No, we’re not paying ransom!  We’re just giving billions of dollars to a terrorist nation in exchange for the release of hostages.” 

Second, Biden went to Viet Nam and stepped on one rhetorical bouncing Betty mine (look that up, and shudder) after another.  

He re-told the idiotic and garbled “dog-faced pony soldier” movie line.  He admitted that he was calling on the pre-selected subservient reporters that his staff told him to.  And when he started to ramble, they played him off stage with some soft-jazz elevator music, like he was a drunken awards show winner thanking his agent’s hairdresser’s nephew. 

And speaking of saying the quiet part out loud, when his train of thought derailed completely, he said – and I really wish I was making this up – “I tell you what, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go to bed.”

A few politicians might be able to get away with saying that.  But probably only if they were obviously joking. 

Trump could clearly pull it off. But he’d say, “I’m going to go to bed… with my supermodel wife.”   Then he’d point and shoot a finger gun at the nearest male reporter, while gender feminists in the WH press corps (i.e. all of them) would roll their eyes in disgust, and males who identify as males in the rest of the country would grin and nod.

But not our Cadaver in Chief.  He wasn’t kidding, and he wasn’t making that comment after pulling off a grueling week of 18-hour-days of deft crisis management. 

He’d just held an 18-minute press conference with nothing but pre-vetted questions.  And he was exhausted. 

Ugh.    

Then Biden went for the hat-trick on Thursday, by saddling the beleaguered Ukrainians with one more crippling obstacle, in the form of his newly appointed “special representative to rebuild the Ukrainian economy,” Penny Pritzker.

If her name sounds familiar, that’s because she’s the sister of J.B. Pritzker (D-Krispy Kreme), the Illinois Governor un-affectionately known as the “Round Mound of Unsound” (Governance). 

Before you cast doubt on Penny’s qualifications for guiding a war-torn nation’s economic recovery, you should know that she’s got a long history of making great economic decisions.  Her first one was choosing to be born to billionaire parents.  (Brilliant move!)  Later, she became the chairperson of the Superior Bank of Chicago, after which she steered the bank into the fast-paced and lucrative business of subprime mortgages. 

Annnnnd… the bank went bust, and never fully paid back its investors.  (This was 8 years before the nationwide sub-prime mortgage disaster.  Because Penny was ahead of her time.)

Not long after the bank went under, she became a big contributor to Barack Obama, and when he became president (Why, God?  Why have You forsaken us?), he appointed her US Secretary of Commerce. 

“How did that go?” you’re probably not asking, because you remember.  (Spoiler alert: all of the presidents from George Washington to George W, over 226 years, ran up a national debt of $10 trillion.  And in just 8 short years, the Obama-Pritzker juggernaut was able to double that!)

You know how if you look at aerial footage of Kiev today, you see a landscape of crumbling infrastructure and bombed out buildings, broken only occasionally by plumes of smoke rising from various craters within the ruins of a once-thriving metropolis, now devastated?

Oh, sorry. That’s what you see if you look at aerial footage of Chicago today.

Well, good luck Ukrainians, because the lady who helped her brother and an unbroken series of Democrat mayors do that to Chicago is on her way over to help you out!    

And here I am, out of space again, with half of the loony lefty stories not even touched on yet! 

But I can’t end this column without discussing the feel-good story of the week: the capture of evil multiple-murderer and illegal alien Danelo Cavalcante, two weeks after he escaped from prison in Pennsylvania.              

There’s a lot to be disgusted by in this story, for sure.  Cavalcante murdered someone in his native Brazil in 2017, before illegally coming into the US.  Luckily for him, one of our major political parties is doing everything it can to welcome a flood of illegals from all over the world.  And they could not care less if many of those illegals are violent scumbags; in fact, they’re actively thwarting all attempts to vet said scumbags and prevent their entry.  

Cavalcante repaid the idiotic ideological gift they gave him by murdering his ex-girlfriend.  He stabbed her 38 times, in front of her two young children. 

Now that he’s been recaptured, he probably won’t murder any more Americans.  But his ex is dead, her children are motherless, and our taxes will go to support him in prison for decades to come.  Because diversity is our strength! 

Also: Bidenomics!

Still, even with all of the political rot that has allowed Cavalcante to be here, and still wasting our environment’s precious oxygen, two images from this story warm my heart. 

The first is a picture taken immediately after the capture, with the murderer’s face covered in blood, and the second is of the handsome and intelligent face of Yoda, the Belgian Malinois hero dog who was the first to make contact with the criminal alien.

By means of his teeth.  When Cavalcante realized the border patrol team was close, he tried to get away, crawling through thick brush with a stolen rifle.  But Yoda tracked him through the brush and pounced.  One news account said that he “subdued” Cavalcante until the border patrol could get him cuffed.

And as every good K-9 knows, the best way to subdue a murderer is by biting him.  In the head. 

Another news story confirmed that the filthy animal was bitten by Yoda “at least once” (I hope it was many more times than once), and that his scalp wounds “were treated at the scene” (I hope by vigorously rubbing medicinal salt into them). 

Our president may be a dementia-riddled grifter and the Pritzkers disasters, but the border patrol are good guys, and Yoda is a Very Good Boy indeed!        

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Danelo “Chewy Skull” Cavalcante, 2024!

Normally, if you could trade places with me, you’d do so in a heartbeat. 

I’ve got a smoke show wife whom I had no right to able to close on, and two daughters who divide their time between saving lives and doing astrophysics while brushing off concussions the way CO brushes off lewd propositions by women other than the COW. 

Plus I’ve got a Wonder Dog, and a wizard hat and crystal brain that allow me to see the future as clearly as most people see that Joe Biden is decomposing before their very eyes. 

Not to mention my humility, which draws people to me.

But I’m currently facing a dilemma that would make all of you hesitate to be me for a day.  Because I’m in the mocking leftists bidness, and that is now a Sisyphean task! 

What am I going to do, NOT talk about hilarious Senator John Kennedy reading gay child porn in his corn pone accent to a bunch of smarmy leftist educrats who are horrified to realize that they have outed themselves as gay-child-porn-in-grade-school enthusiasts?

Am I supposed to just skip the story about the Chicago teachers’ union boss who got caught sending her own kid to charter schools, and then inadvertently said her kid is special and should get a good education, while you nobodies should be forced to send your kids to the union-controlled Malcolm X Super-Max/Junior High?

Am I not supposed to comment on NYC Mayor Eric Adams (D-lusional) ranting that the illegals who 18 months ago were our strength, and the best among us, and fully deserving of all of our taxpayer dollars they could grab are now a pestilence of Biblical proportions?  “They’re going to destroy our city!  There’s no end to this situation!  Flee for your lives, because our city is becoming a sulphurous hellscape!!”

Way ahead of you, Eric.  And we eagerly await your groveling apology for calling us racist demons when we warned you about the very situation that now has you hysterical.  You can send that formal apology – and your resignation letter – to CO HQ/ Free State of Florida.

And that’s not to mention lonely and embittered misogynist Keith Olbermann getting rhetorically pantsed by Riley Gaines, whom he mocked because she lost a swimming race to a hulking dude.  Or Biden giving a veteran an award and then just wandering away in the middle of the ceremony.

Or Que Mala, continuing to be Que Mala. 

Ugh.  I’m only one man, people.  One charming, sharp-witted role model of a man. 

So I’m going to soldier on, and do what I can do. 

I love that Biden’s show-runners’ latest attempt to propagandize on his behalf – the term “Bidenomics” – has so spectacularly blown up in their faces.  They tried to take back the term from his detractors, and they’ve managed to make it an even more blatant signifier of justified derision for their economic plan, such as it is.

Not since “Let’s Go, Brandon” has a phrase become such clear shorthand for a laughable screw-up.

So I now pledge to you that going forward, I’m going to do my best to turn that term into even more of a running joke than it already is.

If you think I’ve gone to the well too often with Imhotep Pelosi, or Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine) or Lizzie “Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden” Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), buckle up.  Because “Bidenomics” is going to become my newest, almost Tourettes-like verbal tic.    

Anyway, let’s start with football.  Because it’s football season, dammit.

We’re not going to talk about how my Bears or Gators did to start the season.  Because there’s already enough going on in this country to be sick about.

ESPN’s Football Power Index (FPI) ranks college football teams after Week 2.  And they have Texas, who beat Alabama at Alabama by 10 – at number 6, and Alabama (who you may remember just lost to Texas at home by 10) at #1. 

I know that ESPN is owned by Disney, and thus can’t distinguish between a man and a woman.  But are you telling me that they don’t understand that a team who outscores another team by 10 points should NOT be ranked above that team?   

You know what I call that kind of reasoning? 

That’s right: Bidenomics!  (Boom!)

Speaking of losers of indeterminate gender, Mitt Romney is finally retiring, just a scant dozen years after he should have.  Hey everybody, strike up the New Orleans-style parade with the kind of jazz funeral that they’re known for!  (Of course, no state is as closely associated with the Afro-Caribbean roots of New Orleans jazz as is Utah.  Hence the name of their pro NBA team.)  

The Babylon Bee headine said it best: “Democrats Scramble to Find Replacement for Retiring Mitt Romney.” 

Many of us were willing to cut Mittens some slack when he was a pol in MA, because no actual conservative can win there.  So he actually was – tragically enough – the most conservative electable person in his MA gov race.

But once he went to Utah and got elected in that deep red state and STILL acted like an MA mush?  He proved himself to be the dictionary definition of a RINO.

And by the way, everyone who is throwing around that smear term indiscriminately?  If you think that rock-ribbed conservatives like Chip Roy, Thomas Massie, or DeSantis are in the same political solar system as Romney or Dr. Oz or Liz Cheney, you need to seriously re-examine your premises.

Speaking of politically despicable hacks, the leftist prosecutor in GA wants to try Trump and codefendants on October 23, or by the spring at the latest, as do the corrupt lefties in the other cases. 

I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but I think a common sense rule should prevail: if Arse Willis in GA (she spells her first name wrong, so I’ve corrected it for her) wants to sit around for two and a half years putting a “case” together to charge Trump and his supporters, then the Trump people need to have the same amount of time to prepare their defense. 

So we’ll see you in late 2025, beeyotch.

On the same general topic, I don’t know if any of Trump’s advisors have mentioned this to him, but it would be smart for him to pay for the defense of his co-defendants.  Morally that’s true for 2 reasons:

1. All of them are in this position because they supported him and his post-election efforts, and the corrupt GA Dems are targeting them just as unfairly as they are targeting Trump.  That’s not Trump’s fault, but it’s not theirs either.  And they aren’t multi-billionaires. 

2. Paying for the little guys’ defense out of his own deep pockets would also help Trump address a weak spot of his that many people with functioning eyes have noticed, i.e. his tendency to demand loyalty while simultaneously attacking and/or throwing under the bus many members of his own administration when they’ve disagreed with him on any point, large or small.  

Well, these innocent co-defendants of relatively modest means have been nothing but loyal to him, and now they’re looking at bankruptcy and legal peril.  Trump could bolster his image re: loyalty if he would put his money where his mouth has been.  (I don’t mean that part pejoratively.  Trump has been rhetorically writing checks that – unlike most weasel politicians – he actually CAN cash.  So I hope he does so, in defense of his supporters.) 

If none of that reasoning moves him, there’s also a pragmatic reason to pitch in for their costs: if he allows the system to grind them down and bankrupt them when he could easily prevent that, the likelihood of some of them flipping on him (even if they have to lie to do so) is greatly increased.  

And that would give the Left an outrageous and undeserved win.

Okay, I’ve got to at least do a drive-by on the stories about Sen. Kennedy reading child porn and the Chicago teacher union hypocrite.  What do these stories have in common?  They both involve abuse of children.  And they both illustrate the truism that sunlight and transparency are to Democrats what a cross is to a vampire. 

(Now that I think about it, the cross is as threatening and disgusting to the elite of the national Democrat party as it is to vampires.)

If you haven’t seen the video of Kennedy reading excerpts from “All Boys Aren’t Blue” – and if you have a strong stomach and a dark sense of humor – it is must-watch tv.  That book is one of several which leftists across the country have insisted must be bought with taxpayer funds and made available to children.

But of course they NEVER name that book, or Gender Queer, or any of the others.  Because they’ve acted out a hysterical psychodrama to make us think that the books that evil conservatives are trying to “ban” are great works of Western literature.

So when septuagenarian southern grandpa John Kennedy cleared his throat and began to read through his thick grandpa glasses, it was an epic moment in the history of Senate hearings:   

“I put some lube on, and got him on his knees.  And I began to slide into…”

During the next 45 seconds – featuring more bleeped-out words than a Redd Foxx nightclub performance – it was joyous to behold the horrified leftists before him. 

They squirmed in their chairs like so many terrified Nosferati (obscure Latin plurals for the win!) trying to duck out of any random shafts of sunlight that might pierce the gloom of the hearing room, and cause their sickly flesh to begin melting and then burst into flames.

(The analogy judges would have also accepted “like the Nazis when the ark of the covenant was opened at the end of Raiders.”)

The corrupt president of Chicago’s teachers’ union similarly tried to hide her own creepiness. 

In the past Stacy Davis-Gates – who is black, so you know the black kids trapped in failing Chicago schools feel just great about being led by someone “who looks like them” – has smeared school choice advocates as “bigots,” “racists” and fascists.”  (Oh my.)

She also called private schools “segregation academies,” and “the choices of racists.”

Racists like her, as it turns out.  Because she’s been sending her son to just such a private school!  Cue the sad trombone.  (What’s that?  All public school music classes have been cut so that the schools could focus on America-hating CRT classes?  Of course.)  

But don’t worry, because she has a good reason, unlike you segregationist bigots.  She and her husband were “forced” to send her kiddo to a klan-tastic racist school “so he could live out his dream of being a soccer player” while also getting a solid curriculum.

I’m not even going to bring up the terrible parenting that results in your child dreaming of being a soccer player!  (Yuck!) But she’s here to tell you that her son has dreams. Not like your bigoted segregationist spawn, who are as racist as their deplorable parents, and are naturally dreamless. 

But she’s not done, because she knows who the real bad guys are: they’re the “same school-choice operators” who “take action to shortchange students” and “engage in fraudulent practices and provide substandard services to Black and Brown families.”

Do you need more weird capitalization?  She’s got you: “If you are a Black family living in a Black community, high-quality neighborhood schools have been the dream, not the reality.”

Boy, if only we could find the MAGA-hat wearing racists who are responsible for this tragic—

Wait a minute.  That’s YOU, Stacy!  You’re the ones with total control over Black neighborhood schools for the last century.  You’re the ones shortchanging students, engaging in fraudulent practices and providing substandard services.   

Don’t you understand what we’ve been trying to tell you for decades, Stacy?  Black Lives Matter, you hypocritical bigot! 

See, I’m at the end of another column, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. 

So here’s a few teasers for Monday:

Hang on, Ukraine, because help is on the way.  Our posthumous Prez has appointed an official US rep to your country, to take responsibility for rebuilding your economy.  Hooray!  

Also, Biden goes to Vietnam, and the results are only slightly worse than the late unpleasantness there.

Plus an EV road trip turns into a Bataan Death March into PR hell, and a leftist politician gets spanked by a drag queen, and shockingly enough, it’s not Hunter Biden.  (The spankee, I mean.  Or the drag queen.)

Bidenomics delenda est! (Boom!)

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Stacy “Lousy schools for thee but not for me” Davis, 2024!

Today I’m going to avoid the recent trend toward in-house sniping among the GOP, because while I support the best governor in these United States, the always-Trumpers are not my enemies, even though I disagree with them.

But when the left is damaging my country on every front, they need to be mocked and opposed.  And that’s what I’m here for.

I’ll start with crime in long-suffering Chicago, where Mayor (and dimwitted Tracy Morgan impersonator) Brandon Johnson has got a new leftist plan to fight crime.  And it’s called… Bidenomics!

No, wait. That’s a leftist plan to fight prosperity and economic success.  ≤begin creepy whisper≥ And guess what?  It’s working! ≤end creepy whisper≥

But Johnson’s plan is just as brilliant.  From his predecessor, Bug-Eyed River-Carp Lightfoot, he inherited a huge crime wave in general, and a skyrocketing carjacking rate in particular.  Because who could have ever anticipated that hamstringing cops and releasing criminals with no bail requirements would cause crime to explode?   

(Before you answer that, remember that many leftists are severely allergic to the law of cause and effect.  They have to wear three masks and get an unending series of vaccinations to fight off its effects.)

If you’re an old fogey who believes that people are responsible for their actions, and therefore criminals are responsible for the crimes they commit, you’re not a Chicago Democrat.  Or an idiot.  But I repeat myself.

Anyway Brandon’s on the case, and he’s identified the real culprits in this wave of carjacking.  And it’s… wait for it… the car makers! 

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?  But the City of Chicago is now suing Kia and Hyundai, because their cars “are being disproportionately stolen.” 

They’ve already tried to sue gun makers because guns are responsible for shooting people, so why not go after the cars for getting themselves stolen? 

Up next: Many shiftless crooks break into houses through windows and doors.  So expect trial lawyers (guess which political party gets the lion’s share of their lobbying money?) to sue construction companies next. 

“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, responsible builders used heavy wooden draw bridges and tiny arrow-slit windows cut into thick stone walls.  But the greedy exploiters in Big Plywood and Big Glass – don’t get us started on Big Open Floor Plan! – are more worried about their obscene profits than about the safety of homeowners in a Democrat-run hellscape like Chicago.”

After that, who knows?  A lot of slimy characters are imprisoned as serial rapists, when all they did was repeatedly rape women. 

“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, women availed themselves of cumbersome metal chastity belts, but today they are running around our streets with their nether regions negligently unprotected by anything requiring a blacksmith and a welder and a winch system to put on.  I’d also like to stipulate that my client does not even know how to operate an acetylene torch. So clearly, we are only here because his so-called ‘victims’ were traipsing around without any metal undergarments at all!” 

Ugh.  I hate to see it happen, but Chicagoans are getting what they voted for.

Speaking of karma’s bitter sting, you may have seen the story about Minnesota politician Shivanthi Sathanandan (pronounced just how it’s spelled), who was recently carjacked in her driveway and beaten by four young males in front of her two small kids.

S-Squared (I’m not typing that name over and over) is a bigshot in the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, and she is now outraged.  She posted a dramatic picture of her bloodied face, and an impassioned call to catch the “young people who are running wild… and HOLD THEM IN CUSTODY AND PROSECUTE THEM.  PERIOD.”

Before closing with effusive praise for the police who responded, she challenged her constituents to “Look at my face.  REMEMBER ME…”

Many Minnesotans already remembered her, from an equally impassioned tweet from just three short years ago.  In that little missive she began, “We are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department.  Say it with me.  DISMANTLE. The. Minneapolis. Police Department.” 

From there she went on to tackle the root cause of the post-George Floyd crime wave: Bidenomics!

No, wait.  That’s the root cause of stagnation and sky-high interest rates and a grocery bill that requires taking out a HELOC to pay.  (Which you don’t qualify for, on account of the aforementioned high interest rates.)

The root cause of crime is, of course, racism.  (Unless it’s black-on-black crime.  Or white-on-white crime.  Or Hispanic-on-Aleut crime.  Or black-on-Hispanic, White, Asian or Aleut crime.  Etc.)

SS had already found the upper-case letter button, even three years ago.  She said that as “allies” we should “LISTEN and LEARN from our Black siblings,” whose community MPD had clearly “failed.”  She ended with a flourish: “Be LOUD.  Spread this message.  Show your support. NOW is the moment for change.”

Well, three years later it turns out that NOW is the moment to change back.  Because now she’s all about aggressive policing, with the patrolling and the arresting and the throwing away of the keys.   (Did anyone else hear a little Bill Cosby voice while reading that last sentence?)

Her post doesn’t mention the race of her attackers.  Since any crime story that features a white perp features the words “white, whiteness, white supremacy, MAGA, racism,” and “Liz Warren,” (#wemustneverstopmockingher), I’m going to assume that the thugs in this case came from the community that the MPD had FAILED.

(By the way, can you imagine the Toobin-tacular moment for the lefty Boston Globe writers when it came time to report on the criminal exploits of pale Irish mobster Whitey Bulger?!) 

But SS is still enough of a lefty that she did point the finger at the guns that the thugs carried, too.  And come to think of it, the story doesn’t mention the make or model of the car that they stole.  

But if it was one of those sexy Hyundais, with their curvaceous rear quarter panels and their come-hither leather seats…  Shame on Double-S for being part of the problem!

They say that a conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged.  But I wish my lefty friends knew that you don’t have to let your cities be destroyed, your property stolen and your loved ones violated and victimized.

You can just become conservative the same way that most of us around here did it: by getting some life experience, and thinking, and noticing what immiseration machines the various People’s Republics and big blue cities always turn into.

I’ll close with a crime story that could still have a happy ending.

The ACLU is suing the Indiana prison system after officials refused to provide “sex reassignment” surgery to a “transgender” inmate who killed “their” daughter.   That’s correct: the boneheads who have screwed up journalism have forced me to use three sets of scare quotes in one freaking sentence!

Let me provide three corrections:

1. There is no such thing as sex “reassignment” surgery.  You go into the operation as a dude with testicles, and you come out without testicles.  But you’re still a dude.  (Or possibly a Gavin Newsom.) 

2. You can’t change your gender.

3. “Their” is a plural pronoun.

In this case, the criminal is a monster who strangled his 11-year-old stepdaughter to death.  His name is Jonathan Richardson, but the “journalist” points out that he’s “also known as Autumn Cordellione.”

(Note for would-be J-school grads:  I shouldn’t be able to tell a reporter that my name is Martin Simpson, but I’m now also known as Ocelot Preckwinkle, and my pronouns are dipthong and umlaut.  You idiots.)

Jonathan is a looker, too.  He’s got a face and bald head covered with what look like amateur prison tattoos, two unconvincingly drawn-in eyebrows, and eyes that point in different directions.  (The eyes aren’t his fault.  But the brows, tats and murder rap are all on him.)

The ACLU thinks that not only should Johnny get his junk cut off, but the citizens of Indiana should have to pay for it. 

If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that when an alien hottie shows up in body paint and a silver bikini, Captain Kirk is going to have his way with her by the end of the episode.  But that’s not relevant right now.

But if tv has taught me at least two other things – and it has – it’s that the members of the incarcerated community are constantly turning random metal objects into homemade knives, and they are invariably not fond of child killers. 

(By the way, you know what societal force has caused them to be incarcerated, don’t you?  That’s right: Bidenomics!)

So after reading the tale of Johnny the They, I got out a glass and poured two fingers of what I like to call my “thinkin’ bourbon” (ahh, the brownest of the brown liquors)(Name that reference, CO nation!), and I applied my crystal brain to this conundrum.

And came up with a solution at which even the tragically bourbon-less amongst us could arrive:

The warden should escort Jonathan into the giant gen-pop area and say, “Hey everybody, this is Jonathan.  He murdered an 11-year-old girl, and he wants the state of Indiana to castrate him, but it’s not in our budget.  I’m going to turn off the security cameras now, and the guards are all going to play Angry Birds on their cell phones for 30 minutes. 

The first person to bring me Jonathan’s testicles will receive the thanks of the ACLU and the taxpayers of Indiana, and a pack of smokes.  Now get to shankin’!” 

You’re welcome, criminal law professors everywhere.

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Shivanthi “Hello, 911?  Forget what I said three years ago” Sathanandan, 2024!

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I’ll start today with a story that combines three of my pet peeves – white supremacists, lying leftist media, and sleazy smears of Ron DeSantis — into one Schiff-sandwich of a non-troversy.

Regular readers may remember that when my oldest daughter was a 2-and-a-half-year-old bundle of cuteness and smarts, I had already taught her to memorize three key things. 

The first was the prayer I’d say with her when tucking her into bed.  (“Now I lay Kate down to sleep/ I pray thee Lord her soul to keep/ Thy love guard her through the night/ and wake her up in the morning light.”)

(I have to admit that I’ve got a soft spot for the Old Testament/Germanic darkness of the OG version I was taught, with the line, “If I should die before I wake/I pray thee Lord my soul to take.”  Even as a child, after mom would recite that one with me and then turn off the light, I remember thinking, “What’s the over/under on me dying before I wake?  Good lord!”)

The second was the old “Which is your favorite one of Aristotle’s logical fallacies?”  (If you want the backstory to that one, you can read my amazing wedding speech for her, from last July, on my website Martinsimpsonwriting.com)

But the third one never failed to crack me up.  Whenever Katie was playing quietly in the room, or maybe just toddling through, and something happened on tv that I didn’t like – a ref blowing an easy call, a stock market dip, a bad weather forecast, etc. – I’d call out, “Who do we blame for this?”

And my adorable little offspring would sing out lustily, “The Democrats!”

I don’t care who you are: that’s just good parenting. 

But grown-up leftists do that same thing, and not as a hilarious parenting trick.  They’re serious.  If you doubt me, the next time a couple of lefties are walking by, call out, “Oh crap!  What do we blame for this?”

And they’ll stop and ask if it involves the weather or not.  If you say it does, they’ll say, “Climate change!”  If you say it doesn’t, they’ll say, “White supremacy!”

Unfortunately for the left, their demand for white supremacists far outstrips the actual supply.   Of course white supremacists do exist.  But just like asexual, Marxist, Biden-admiring furries, they are a repugnant affront to the senses, and there are very, VERY few of them.

You may remember Charlottesville, where to hear the MSM tell it, hordes of white supremacists came from the far corners of the globe to engage in a veritable gotterdammerung of racist violence. 

Translation: after a 6-month propaganda blitz by the most prominent supremacists calling on all racists to come to their gathering, only a few hundred trolls and homunculi (out of a nation of 330 million people) showed up.  They marched around with torches and chanted slogans as ignorant as those of antifa and BLM, and one idiot hit and killed a woman with his car. 

And yet our execrable MSM still evokes the horrors of Charlottesville (or January 6^th, for that matter) in the same trembling tones once reserved for a dirigible explosion.

In this context, the left loves nothing more than when a handful of morons creep out of their mommies’ basements in their home-made uniforms and hand-drawn swastikas and puts on a pathetic demonstration. (Because a guy who ran a socialist workers’ party in Germany was a typical right-winger.  Got it?)        

So when around 35 such losers marched in Altamonte Springs, FL last Saturday, the MSM was all over it.  A few local Dems laughably claimed the cosplay Nazis (aka the German national socialist workers’ party) represented the ominous and growing rightwing threat to Florida posed by… members of a socialist workers’ party. 

But Rolling Stone – which believe it or not, used to be a magazine that covered popular music, before it became a left-wing rag dedicated to shaving IQ points off of its dwindling number of readers – out-smeared the local Dems.

The Stoners wrote a hit piece and pimped out a quick tweet claiming, “’We’re all DeSantis supporters!’ one marcher shouted.” 

But they were stupid enough to link to the video of the marcher saying those words.  And unfortunately for them, the video clearly showed that the words were a sarcastic response to a question trying to link them to DeSantis. 

Another subtle clue: moments later the same marcher yelled, “F*** Ron DeSantis!” while others cheered.  They later called DeSantis “a joke.”

In fact, one of the supposed leaders of the dopes – at least he was willing to show his face, and he gave his name as Christopher Pohlhaus – blew up the Dems’ narrative.  (Spoiler alert: Rolling Stone didn’t report this part.)  Pohlhaus ranted about “capitalism” and “billionaires” (is he a Bernie bro?), in addition to attacking Jews. (Ok, maybe not.) (Then again, considering Bernie’s trendy secular-left anti-Israel position, maybe so.)   

When asked about the presidential race and whether he would vote in 2024 – you know the young lefty with the microphone was holding his breath, praying to hear DeSantis’ name – Pohlhaus said, “My vote is useless.  I think Biden is better than Trump, because he sends rockets to Ukraine.” 

Cue the sad trombone, and turn off the microphone and the camera crew’s lights.

Speaking of evil race hoaxes, I have a story from America’s politically dysfunctional top hat. 

You may remember that several years ago, Canada was full of lurid stories that the Catholic Church had carried out “tens of thousands” of murders and burials of indigenous children at residential schools during the 19^th and early 20^th centuries.

For the Christophobic and whitey-hating left, this story was too good to check. Every lefty pol from Justin “blackface” Trudeau on down started fanning the flames of racial and religious hatred, as is their wont.  When a few people used ground-penetrating radar to locate “anomalies” which they said were mass graves, the government started calling for millions in reparations.

They also began a campaign of harassment of Christians and other non-sufferers of CRIS (cranial-rectal inversion syndrome), in some instances hounding them out of their jobs.  (You may remember a similar recent phenomenon in this country, when those with the temerity to suggest that a new virus might not kill 98% of the human population, and that maybe lockdowns, masks and vaccines didn’t work, were also shouted down and driven from polite society.)

Worse, many people naïve enough to trust the Canadian MSM were inspired to show off their virtue by vandalizing and/or burning between 60 – 85 Canadian churches.  

Fast forward to today, and many recent excavations have been undertaken at the suspected “mass burial” sites.  And apparently “anomalies” is Latin for “something other than dead indigenous kids.”  Because searchers have found not tens of thousands of corpses, or even thousands of corpses or dozens of corpses.

The number of bodies found to date?  Zero.

Does that mean that no indigenous people were killed in Canada in the last century and a half?  No.

Some certainly were killed, possibly by evil white folks, but also possibly by other indigenous tribes, such as the one led by Lizzie Warren’s great-great-grandsquaw “Howling Wench,” who reportedly had a temper as prominent as her cheekbones.  (#wemustneverstopmocking her).    

C’mon Canadians.  We used to make fun of you for being blandly nice, but lately you’ve turned into a bunch of totalitarian jerks, and we already have enough of those, north of Richmond.

Finally, I’ve got to discuss the most horrific week endured by a leftist bonehead this year.  And that’s counting Biden’s debacle in Hawaii!

Philip Bump is a political hack who writes analysis for the Washington Post.  If you’ve never heard of him, you’re lucky, because he’s the kind of guy who puts the “anal” in “political analyst.”   And yesterday he stepped on another rhetorical rake.

When foundations created in the names of 13 former presidents released a generic letter saying, “We reaffirm our commitment to the principles of democracy undergirding this great nation,” Bump put out a tweet claiming, “Fourteen presidents indirectly called out Trump’s threat to democracy today.  Thirteen former presidents signed a letter.  The current one released an ad.”

Bump was immediately mercilessly mocked, since there are only 6 presidents alive today – and that’s if you count Biden as “alive.”  If you go back 13 presidents, you get to Eisenhower.  And he’s no more capable of signing a letter – or putting out an ad – than Biden is. 

But that wasn’t even close to the most mock-worthy mistake that Bump made this week.  Because he went on a podcast with a comedian named Noam Dworman who had asked for someone to defend Biden on the issue of corruption.

Over the course of an hour – after first flattering Bump about how his name had come up as one of the smartest guys writing on that kind of political issue – Dworman dismantled one Bump claim after another.  But still, Bump kept grinding on. (HA!)

After Bump had repeated the risible talking point that while Hunter might be bent, there is NO evidence that Joey Gaffes did anything corrupt, Dworman went for the jugular with the simplest, most common sense question: “What do you take from Hunter’s text message to his adult daughter, ‘I have to give 50% of my income to pop?”

You have to watch and listen to what follows to really appreciate Bump’s self-immolation.  He talks faster and faster, and his voice takes on a whiny tone suggestive of what would happen if Joy Behar and Beta O’Rourke had a baby.  (Sorry for that mental image.)

But here’s a partial transcript:   

Bump: “I have NO idea what that means.  I don’t.  I have no idea what that means.” [Sidebar: None of the words in Hunter’s quote are longer than two syllables, and the meaning of his statement is obvious to even the dullest of dullards, such as AOC or Que Mala.]

Dworman:  But what could it mean?

Bump: I have no idea.  I don’t know.

By the end, as Dworman presses the most obvious question, Bump says that he feels like Dworman is trying to get him to leave.  Finally Dworman has had enough, saying, “Is this the way the WaPo handles people who disagree with them?”

And Bump starts to melt into the floor like the wicked Hillary of the West, saying, “Yeah, when I agree to be on for 45 minutes and then I get on for an hour and 15…”

Dworman shakes his head in disgust and says, “Go, go.”

And the poor schmuck pulls off his headset in relief.  And Bump goes into the night. (HA!)   

You really need to watch that video to get the full, cringy schadenfreude of it all.

You know it’s bad when even Jeffrey Toobin was like, “Dude, that is one humiliating piece of video!”

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Philip “speed” Bump, 2024!

Can we all agree now that Joe Biden is not going to be the Democrat nominee next year? 

I’m becoming more convinced that CO was prescient when he predicted several months ago that the Dem nominee and likely next prez (shudder) is going to be Ken Doll Newsom. 

I don’t know what kind of crystal ball our fearless leader has, but I’ve got a crystal brain (hat tip to Adam Carolla) and a purple wizard hat that I occasionally take out of its climate-controlled glass case when I need to foretell the future.

But I needed neither my crystal brain nor my wizard hat to see the future for our Cadaver in Chief.  I only had to watch his performance in Hawaii, and a few more minutes of him being allowed to speak in public since.

I don’t want to beat a dead president, but that guy is not up for the job, if he ever was.

Sorry, the phrase I was looking for there was “beat a dead horse.” 

Or was it?

Anyway, Joey Gaffes couldn’t have done worse in the wake of the Hawaii fire.  First he went on vacation for a week, and when reporters asked for his thoughts on the fire, he said, “No comment.”

You want to talk about bad luck?  The poor dope has uttered two coherent words this entire year, and they happened to be those disastrously callous ones.  Normally, if he’d tried to say that, it would have come out as, “Na-ha kulamanna.”

And the lickspittle MSM hacks would have fallen all over themselves to tell us that “na-ha kulamanna” is native Hawaiian for “my prayers go out for the people of Hawaii, and my government will give them all the assistance they need at this tragic time.”

Then when Biden was finally shamed into going to Hawaii – interrupting a second vacation for a day and a half – he put on a tour de force of cringe. 

When called on to give comfort to people whose homes have burned to the ground and who have lost loved ones, he re-told the phony story about the towering inferno that nearly devoured his home years ago.  (“I remember that Steve McQueen and Paul Newman were in it, and Faye Dunaway, what a dish she was.  I once fought Corn Pop for her hand in marriage.  No joke.”)

Everyone knows that that story is not appropriate.  Or true.  He’s told it many times, embellishing it each time, in ways that make it even more offensive.  His wife grabbed the cat and made it into the ’67 Corvette in the garage, and then stayed there while the almost-deadly fire raged all around her.  Also, half of the house nearly collapsed.  And one firefighter was almost killed fighting the blaze.

Except that the fire department called it a minor kitchen fire and put it out in 20 minutes.

But even if it had consumed his whole house, killed his cat and burned up his ‘Vette, it still wouldn’t be acceptable to tell that story to a bunch of people who have just lost loved ones, and all of their material possessions too.  You KNOW that Biden’s handlers have told him to stop telling it. 

But he can’t help it.  Or he can’t remember it.  Or he’s a narcissistic sociopath.

“Man, that ‘Vette is sweet, and it would have been a real tragedy to lose that thing.  It can do zero to 60 in 2 seconds flat, even with the passenger seat crammed full of classified documents and one of Hunter’s hookers and a bunch of untraceable gold bars from the ChiComs in the trunk!  You folks know what I’m talking about, with your missing kids and your burned down houses.  Na-ha kulamanna, as you people say…. Who wants some ice cream?”

Biden looked even worse sitting at the event where a local was speaking about the tragedy.  Biden fell into a coma, or a nap, or whatever he does when he “calls a lid” on the day’s activities at 10 a.m.  Watching him slumped there with his eyes mostly closed and his mouth partly open gave me the creeps. 

He looked like what a family sees when the mortician has done a horrible job, even after you told him the ceremony was going to be open casket, and you’re not going to pay his full fee!  

So Biden can’t run again.  Which leaves Que Mala, the only politician in the Western hemisphere less respected and more reviled than Joe Biden! 

Nobody – left or right, young or old, alive or Pelosi – wants her to be answering that proverbial crisis phone call at 3:00 a.m. 

No one can picture her being woken up from a dream about yellow school buses driving through a landscape of magical Venn diagrams to hear the words, “China has invaded Taiwan!” or, “A deadly virus has been discovered in several port cities on the Eastern seaboard!”

Unless that caller says, “Quick!  We need someone to sexually service corrupt San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown for a shady patronage position,” everybody knows that Que Mala is not the person for that job.

(And yes, Que Mala got that job in 1994, so no, it’s not “too soon” for that joke.)

Anyway, I think we should take Biden’s likely absence on the Dem ticket next year into account. Especially if we’re considering nominating someone with very high negatives with independents, in the hope that Biden’s negatives are so high that we can still narrowly beat him. 

Turning to the world of entertainment, the Burning Man festival has been a nightmare this year.  I’ve never been the least bit tempted to go to some drug-and-music event with thousands of hipsters and hippies and who knows who.  (I’m sure there are some cool people there too, though I don’t get it.)  But given their travails now, I’m sympathetic.

First, many of the attendees were held up on a highway by their (normally) co-religionist environmental extremists, until the Paiute Tribal Rangers rode to the rescue.  (I saw them open for the Rooftop Koreans in ’98, and that show was awesome!)

It turns out that the highlight of the week for many people may have been watching the Rangers go to work on the virtue-signalers blocking the road.  If I can paraphrase Arnold’s reply to the question of what is best in life in the original Conan movie (and I think that I can): “To crush the protestors, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their men who identify as women.”

When the attendees finally arrived on site, they were just in time for a long, soaking rain that turned the area into a muddy hellscape.  And the mud is alkaline… so that sounds great.   Now one person has died, and organizers have told attendees that they might not be able to drive out for a while yet. 

Still, I’d rather be there than at the Democrat National Convention.  But this year, it’s a closer call than usual.   

Biden delenda est! … then maybe Newsom…

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Toonces, Joe Biden’s Corvette-Driving Cat, 2024!

I appreciate everybody’s feedback on the video I posted on my site yesterday, and I especially appreciated the great and powerful CO’s putting up a direct-link post to that video, too. 

In that video I ranted about annoying RINOs and the annoying people who call non-RINOs “RINOs.”  But now it’s the start of a holiday weekend, and I’m done complaining.  Today let’s just look at stories that make me happy. 

Regular readers know that few things in life give me the schadenfreude giggles like crime stories with happy endings.  And I’ve got several of those, starting with the story of Gerald Pope, an armed robber who had been plying his trade in the New Orleans area lately.  Allegedly.

Two weeks ago, an armed thug looking a great deal like Gerald Pope robbed a cabbie from an unnamed cab company at gunpoint.   Then last Sunday, a guy who could be Gerald Pope’s twin – spoiler alert: he doesn’t have a twin – robbed a cabbie from that same cab company. 

But on Monday, a guy who is pretty likely Gerald Pope – because he was carrying Gerald Pope’s ID, and looked extremely Gerald Pope-y, and had Gerald Pope’s fingerprints – went for the trifecta, when he approached a driver sitting in his cab. Pope produced a gun and demanded cash. 

The cabbie pulled his own gun and shot Pope.  News reports say only that he shot him “multiple times.”  For those of you scoring at home, that’s better than once, but not as good as, “he mag-dumped him.”

But it turned out that “multiple times” was enough, because Pope was pronounced DRT.  Which is paramedic-speak for “dead right there.” (Or “dead at the scene,” if you’re fancy.) 

Either way, observers at Pope’s residence report that they have seen neither white nor black smoke coming out of its chimney.  So I guess no new Pope has yet been chosen.

Speaking of bad popes: Francis. 

I’m not Catholic, but the more I hear about him focusing less on uncle Jesus in favor of some trendy lefty politics – climate change hysteria, attacks on free markets – the more I don’t care for that guy. 

He’s no Gerald Pope, obviously.  But still, no bueno.

But I digress. 

My next crime story comes from Chicago.  Surprise!

On Monday morning, a Spanish-language Univision Chicago TV news crew was taping a story on a recent rash of armed robberies.  I’m guessing their angle was, “How can this be happening, when Chicago has some of the strictest gun laws in the country? Experts are baffled.”

They set up their cameras, checked their hair and their notes, and started filming on a public street.  Annnnnnndddd… they got robbed.

Cue the sad trombone.

Or in this case, the sad mariachi band.

Oh, who am I kidding?  There’s no such thing as a sad mariachi band.  If you can see those matching sequined suits and sombreros, and hear those peppy guitars and singing, and you don’t smile, you are dead inside.

Where was I? 

Oh yeah: the super-safe streets of Chicago, on account of it’s illegal to have guns there.

Three young fellows who apparently didn’t know that guns are illegal jumped out of two cars, pointed their illegal guns at the tv crew, and stole cash, a backpack, a camera and some camera equipment. 

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the camera crew shouted, “Aye, dios mio! Banditos! Silencio por favor Martino!”  (That’s the only Spanish I remember from two semesters of high school Spanish, and hilarious 1970s Fritos commercials.)

The criminals have not yet been caught.  Surprise!  “But don’t call them ‘criminals,’ said slower-witted Tracy Morgan impersonator (and Chicago Mayor) Brandon Johnson.  “Because that’s offensive.”

Normal Chicago residents said, “Let’s go, Brandon!”

The police are looking for the robbers, who are described as three Nigerians wearing MAGA hats.  So… be on the lookout, Chicagoans.   And maybe think about moving.

But the best crime stories of the week, and probably the year, form a tale of two protests.

The first one took place on August 21^st, on Nantucket Island, where a group of environmental goons crashed a fundraising party benefitting MA Democrat Governor Maura Healey.  I don’t know anything about her, but I’ll bet you she’d tell you her pronouns without you even asking.

So the goons interrupted the festivities with inane talking points, followed by chanting banal slogans and unfurling stupid banners, eventually forcing the early end of the soiree.  (If you haven’t seen the video, you should, because that gathering was as white as Lizzie Warren, and twice as pretentious.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

And their pompous account of their great victory was as ridiculous as you’d expect: “We just swarmed a major fundraiser…. We demanded [Healey] ban new fossil fuel projects.  She refused.  So we shut down her whole event.  She fled.  Respect us or expect us.”    

How can we react to such an example of commie-on-commie comedy gold, other than to give the clueless young comrades a thumbs-up and a chef’s kiss?

A similar group of environmental warriors thought they’d do the same thing, only out on a highway that goes through tribal land of the Paiute Indians in Nevada.  This lefty group has given themselves some stupid names (Seven Circles and Extinction Rebellion), but I’ll just call them PNAFE (Pretentious Narcissistic A-holes for the Earth).

So PNAFE made a barricade out of a trailer and some other assorted junk that they put across the road, and then sat down in the middle of the road.  Because no one else’s lives are important, and we must all save GAIA by stopping traffic in the desert. 

Traffic backed up for a few miles, and word got out to the nearby police force called the Paiute Tribal Rangers.  And if you’ve got a better name for a garage band, I’d like to hear it.

The Rangers showed up in some pickup trucks, and they didn’t act like a bunch of asexual Massachusetts liberals.  In fact, they acted like a bunch of Indians who have been irritated by white jackasses for 150 years, and this was their time for some payback.

And their proper course of action was as plain as the white on Liz Warren’s face.  (Boom! Grandma Squanto two-fer!)

They used their loudspeakers to say things like, “Get off the highway, it’s a state route.  Everybody will be arrested if not.  30 seconds.  Get off the f*cking road.”

And then the lead Ranger drove his truck through the middle of the shoddily constructed barricade (I swear I could hear him yelling, “Leroy Jenkins!”), whipped back around, and started yelling at the doofi while pointing a pistol at them. “Get down now, get on the ground.  Don’t move.  What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?!”

Okay, that last line was from R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket.  But you get the idea.

This evoked a variety of emotionally satisfying shrieking from the female protestors, and the male protestors who I’m guessing identify as females.  “We’re non-violent! Please!  We don’t have any weapons at all!”

There’s a great line from Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, right after he shotguns the bar owner who had displayed the dead body of Clint’s fellow bad guy, played by Morgan Freeman.  The sheriff (Gene Hackman) snarls at Eastwood, “You just shot an unarmed man!”

Clint delivers the line perfectly: “Well he should have armed himself, if he was gonna decorate his saloon with my friend.”

When that delusional PNAFE member screeched, “We don’t have any weapons at all!” I wish one of the rangers would have said, “Well you should have armed yourself, if you were gonna cause a five-mile traffic jam.”       

Oh, how I love that story and video!  Because it’s got everything: smug leftists, tribal police, and tribal police smashing through the barricades of smug leftists.

We would be in much better shape if we became a nation of Paiute Tribal Rangers, smashing our (gasoline-powered) pick-ups through the barricades put up by a motley bunch of arrogant lefties.   

Have a good Labor Day, everybody!

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/the Ghost of Gerald Pope, 2024!

Well, stately Simpson manor has survived Hurricane Idalia, which in our part of Florida was less destructive than Hillary.  (The storm, and the repulsive politician.)  I spent part of Tuesday trying to storm-proof our rental houses, including putting plywood over the windows of our old Victorian. (I’ll be posting more pictures of the nearly-returned-to-her-former-glory Rosewood at my website soon.) 

The main part of the storm passed to the west of us, and we didn’t even lose power.  I made another trip around the rentals today, and have 7 barrels and a pick-up bed full of yard waste to get rid of, but no major damage anywhere, thank God.

DeSantis did his typically excellent job of handling the storm, and in return, was attacked by both the right and the left, as per usual. While DeSantis was handling his bidness, Trump posted four tweets criticizing RDS’s poll performance and touting made-up “roomers” that he would be dropping out of the race to run for Senate.  (Ugh.)

The Dems were their usual classy selves as well.  When DeSantis went to speak to and support a group mourning the three black people shot and killed by a white racist in Jacksonville, he was booed by leftist racial arsonists. 

One local Dem pol actually had the sense to defend his right to speak, but afterwards the ghouls went right back to blaming the best governor in the country for everything from lynching to hurricanes to the heartbreak of psoriasis. 

Two related points:  1. Three black people shot to death?  Do you know what three murdered black people is equivalent to?  Any weekend evening in Democrat-run Chicago, between 8:00 p.m and 8:45 p.m.  (Except that you’ll never EVER hear about those black victims of horrific Democrat policies and governance.)

2. You probably haven’t heard this, but a recent story in the conservative Washington Examiner documented that DeSantis has had more cash spent on attack ads against him than Donald Trump and Joe Biden, combined!   Biden had $9.2 million spent against him, and even though Trump is leading RDS by 40 points, he’s only had $8.1 million spent against him.  Meanwhile, both sides ganged up to spend $20.2 million against DeSantis!

I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but do you think that spending that much to smear and kneecap a candidate who is a statistical long-shot might just suggest that both President Trump and the Dems fear that RDS would otherwise have a decent chance to win?  I think it’s certainly clear that the Dems would rather run against Trump than DeSantis.  (You can easily find a half-hour-long compilation of clips of every major Dem and MSM leftist screeching about how RDS is worse than Trump, from earlier this year, when it looked like he had a better chance at the GOP nomination.)

I dearly hope that if Trump does get the nomination, the Dems end up regretting that decision!  

On another topic, several commenters have asked me my opinion of country/roots singer Oliver Anthony’s viral hit song “Rich Men North of Richmond,” and his subsequent ire at the song being brought up at the first GOP debate.

The song first: I like it, and I like the other songs of his that I’ve heard.  Regular readers know about my Appalachian roots on one side of my family, and my love of old-school country and bluegrass.  Anthony has come out of nowhere with a talent that fits right in with that tradition, and I love his rags-to-riches story too.  

I was disappointed to see him come out and slam conservatives in subsequent comments.  He was mad that his song was discussed at the GOP debate, and at what he sees as conservative attempts to co-opt it, when he says that he wrote it to attack politicians, and “especially” conservatives and/or the ones on stage at the debate.  

I really hope he doesn’t “Bud-Light” himself by insulting the lop-sided majority of his fans – who are conservatives.  And I don’t think he needs to, because even though he doesn’t seem to be aware of it – most people aren’t bookworm political geeks raised on reading Adam Smith, Hayek, Friedman and Buckley – the ideas in his song are mostly conservative. 

Some of the lyrics are politically generic complaints about the tough lot of the working class (long hours, lousy pay, can’t get ahead), and anti-politician animus.   But the chorus is pointed: “These rich men north of Richmond/ Lord knows they all just wanna have total control.”

Point taken: politicians are power hungry, and that issue applies to both parties.  I always wonder at my lefty friends who don’t realize one consistent thing about conservatives: we’re usually disgusted with the GOP and RINOs more than they are!

But the conservative philosophy – even though many/most GOP politicians don’t live up to it – agitates AGAINST centralized political power and the DC/political elite who Oliver correctly says “wanna have total control,” versus the progressive left who embraces that total control completely.

Conservatives say, “that government is best which governs least.”  Conservative/originalist SCOTUS justices say we’re NOT going to dictate abortion policy, we’re going to leave that up to the people in the states.  Conservatives want less regulations, and more individual freedom.

Leftists don’t think regular people can make decisions for themselves, and so they micro-manage and dictate as much of daily life as they can.  They don’t like old fashioned lightbulbs, or toilets that require more water, or guns, or gas stoves, or gas-powered cars.  So they’ve banned the disfavored bulbs and toilets, and they’re trying to ban guns, gas stoves and regular cars.

So who wants “total control” again?    

Leftists also think that the money you work for is the government’s, and they’ll decide how much you get to keep.  They’ve never met a tax they don’t absolutely love.  So when Oliver sings that, “your dollar ain’t sh*t and it’s taxed to no end,” which party does that apply to best?

When he says, “I wish politicians would look out for miners/And not just minors on an island somewhere?”  I’ll grant you that a certain percentage of powerful men – and men in general – are pervs.

But when it comes to Jeffrey Epstein, Harvey Weinstein, Roman Polanski, and a hundred other exploitative casting-couch purveyors and intern-abusing sleaze-balls like them, which political party has tolerated, covered for, and accepted them more?

And when Anthony gets to complaining about welfare abusers (Well, God, if you’re 5-foot-3 and you’re 300 pounds/ Taxes ought not to pay for your bags of fudge rounds.”), what can I say?  The Dems would rip him to shreds for even suggesting that any welfare recipients anywhere aren’t in danger of starving to death in the “food deserts” that evil AmeriKKKa has stuck them in.  

In his heartfelt but incorrect (IMO) political comments, Anthony criticizes the way his song is “being weaponized” by both sides.  He says the right are “trying to characterize me as one of their own, and the left trying to discredit me, I guess in retaliation.”

It’s not “retaliation,” Mr. Anthony.  They recognize (better than you do) that your song is an essentially conservative (or at least anti-leftist) attack on their power-hungry desire to totally control and micro-manage your life.  And when you read from Psalms at a concert and drape the stage with the American flag, they recognized that you’re an evil, non-Christophobe patriot, and therefore their enemy.  

Please just continue making music, and telling the truth in your lyrics.  And if you get the chance, contemplate why so many conservative fans are drawn to it, and so many progressives want to discredit it.

Finally, I’d like to get some feedback from you all about a video I recently posted on this webpage, which you can find by clicking on “Videos” at the top of the page.

While I really enjoy writing these columns, I’ve also been toying with the idea of making a short video every so often, in which I’ll share some thoughts and invite some discussion on any subject that is bothering or intriguing me at the time.   (I’m also going to be speaking with CO to explore the possibility of doing some podcast-style videos with him and some of the CO contributors and/or commenters.)

This video – the subject is “RINO fights” – is a test of the idea.  At 13 minutes it’s a little longer than I intended, and yes, I’m old and have a face made for radio, but I’d still like to hear what you think.  So please watch it if you’re interested, and then give me an honest take on it.  (Is it too long?  Too rambling?  Do you like it more or less than my written columns? Etc.)

Also, if you’d like to engage and comment on the subject matter, please feel free to do so here in the comments on the CO page.  I’m trying to figure out how you can comment on the video on my web page, but you can share it from there, at least.

Please let me know what you think.  And remember…

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Hillary (the repulsive person, not the storm), 2024!