I appreciate everybody’s feedback on the video I posted on my site yesterday, and I especially appreciated the great and powerful CO’s putting up a direct-link post to that video, too.
In that video I ranted about annoying RINOs and the annoying people who call non-RINOs “RINOs.” But now it’s the start of a holiday weekend, and I’m done complaining. Today let’s just look at stories that make me happy.
Regular readers know that few things in life give me the schadenfreude giggles like crime stories with happy endings. And I’ve got several of those, starting with the story of Gerald Pope, an armed robber who had been plying his trade in the New Orleans area lately. Allegedly.
Two weeks ago, an armed thug looking a great deal like Gerald Pope robbed a cabbie from an unnamed cab company at gunpoint. Then last Sunday, a guy who could be Gerald Pope’s twin – spoiler alert: he doesn’t have a twin – robbed a cabbie from that same cab company.
But on Monday, a guy who is pretty likely Gerald Pope – because he was carrying Gerald Pope’s ID, and looked extremely Gerald Pope-y, and had Gerald Pope’s fingerprints – went for the trifecta, when he approached a driver sitting in his cab. Pope produced a gun and demanded cash.
The cabbie pulled his own gun and shot Pope. News reports say only that he shot him “multiple times.” For those of you scoring at home, that’s better than once, but not as good as, “he mag-dumped him.”
But it turned out that “multiple times” was enough, because Pope was pronounced DRT. Which is paramedic-speak for “dead right there.” (Or “dead at the scene,” if you’re fancy.)
Either way, observers at Pope’s residence report that they have seen neither white nor black smoke coming out of its chimney. So I guess no new Pope has yet been chosen.
Speaking of bad popes: Francis.
I’m not Catholic, but the more I hear about him focusing less on uncle Jesus in favor of some trendy lefty politics – climate change hysteria, attacks on free markets – the more I don’t care for that guy.
He’s no Gerald Pope, obviously. But still, no bueno.
But I digress.
My next crime story comes from Chicago. Surprise!
On Monday morning, a Spanish-language Univision Chicago TV news crew was taping a story on a recent rash of armed robberies. I’m guessing their angle was, “How can this be happening, when Chicago has some of the strictest gun laws in the country? Experts are baffled.”
They set up their cameras, checked their hair and their notes, and started filming on a public street. Annnnnnndddd… they got robbed.
Cue the sad trombone.
Or in this case, the sad mariachi band.
Oh, who am I kidding? There’s no such thing as a sad mariachi band. If you can see those matching sequined suits and sombreros, and hear those peppy guitars and singing, and you don’t smile, you are dead inside.
Where was I?
Oh yeah: the super-safe streets of Chicago, on account of it’s illegal to have guns there.
Three young fellows who apparently didn’t know that guns are illegal jumped out of two cars, pointed their illegal guns at the tv crew, and stole cash, a backpack, a camera and some camera equipment.
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the camera crew shouted, “Aye, dios mio! Banditos! Silencio por favor Martino!” (That’s the only Spanish I remember from two semesters of high school Spanish, and hilarious 1970s Fritos commercials.)
The criminals have not yet been caught. Surprise! “But don’t call them ‘criminals,’ said slower-witted Tracy Morgan impersonator (and Chicago Mayor) Brandon Johnson. “Because that’s offensive.”
Normal Chicago residents said, “Let’s go, Brandon!”
The police are looking for the robbers, who are described as three Nigerians wearing MAGA hats. So… be on the lookout, Chicagoans. And maybe think about moving.
But the best crime stories of the week, and probably the year, form a tale of two protests.
The first one took place on August 21st, on Nantucket Island, where a group of environmental goons crashed a fundraising party benefitting MA Democrat Governor Maura Healey. I don’t know anything about her, but I’ll bet you she’d tell you her pronouns without you even asking.
So the goons interrupted the festivities with inane talking points, followed by chanting banal slogans and unfurling stupid banners, eventually forcing the early end of the soiree. (If you haven’t seen the video, you should, because that gathering was as white as Lizzie Warren, and twice as pretentious.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
And their pompous account of their great victory was as ridiculous as you’d expect: “We just swarmed a major fundraiser…. We demanded [Healey] ban new fossil fuel projects. She refused. So we shut down her whole event. She fled. Respect us or expect us.”
How can we react to such an example of commie-on-commie comedy gold, other than to give the clueless young comrades a thumbs-up and a chef’s kiss?
A similar group of environmental warriors thought they’d do the same thing, only out on a highway that goes through tribal land of the Paiute Indians in Nevada. This lefty group has given themselves some stupid names (Seven Circles and Extinction Rebellion), but I’ll just call them PNAFE (Pretentious Narcissistic A-holes for the Earth).
So PNAFE made a barricade out of a trailer and some other assorted junk that they put across the road, and then sat down in the middle of the road. Because no one else’s lives are important, and we must all save GAIA by stopping traffic in the desert.
Traffic backed up for a few miles, and word got out to the nearby police force called the Paiute Tribal Rangers. And if you’ve got a better name for a garage band, I’d like to hear it.
The Rangers showed up in some pickup trucks, and they didn’t act like a bunch of asexual Massachusetts liberals. In fact, they acted like a bunch of Indians who have been irritated by white jackasses for 150 years, and this was their time for some payback.
And their proper course of action was as plain as the white on Liz Warren’s face. (Boom! Grandma Squanto two-fer!)
They used their loudspeakers to say things like, “Get off the highway, it’s a state route. Everybody will be arrested if not. 30 seconds. Get off the f*cking road.”
And then the lead Ranger drove his truck through the middle of the shoddily constructed barricade (I swear I could hear him yelling, “Leroy Jenkins!”), whipped back around, and started yelling at the doofi while pointing a pistol at them. “Get down now, get on the ground. Don’t move. What is your major malfunction, numbnuts?!”
Okay, that last line was from R. Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket. But you get the idea.
This evoked a variety of emotionally satisfying shrieking from the female protestors, and the male protestors who I’m guessing identify as females. “We’re non-violent! Please! We don’t have any weapons at all!”
There’s a great line from Clint Eastwood’s Unforgiven, right after he shotguns the bar owner who had displayed the dead body of Clint’s fellow bad guy, played by Morgan Freeman. The sheriff (Gene Hackman) snarls at Eastwood, “You just shot an unarmed man!”
Clint delivers the line perfectly: “Well he should have armed himself, if he was gonna decorate his saloon with my friend.”
When that delusional PNAFE member screeched, “We don’t have any weapons at all!” I wish one of the rangers would have said, “Well you should have armed yourself, if you were gonna cause a five-mile traffic jam.”
Oh, how I love that story and video! Because it’s got everything: smug leftists, tribal police, and tribal police smashing through the barricades of smug leftists.
We would be in much better shape if we became a nation of Paiute Tribal Rangers, smashing our (gasoline-powered) pick-ups through the barricades put up by a motley bunch of arrogant lefties.
Have a good Labor Day, everybody!
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/the Ghost of Gerald Pope, 2024!
Martin Simpson 