Today I’m going to avoid the recent trend toward in-house sniping among the GOP, because while I support the best governor in these United States, the always-Trumpers are not my enemies, even though I disagree with them.
But when the left is damaging my country on every front, they need to be mocked and opposed. And that’s what I’m here for.
I’ll start with crime in long-suffering Chicago, where Mayor (and dimwitted Tracy Morgan impersonator) Brandon Johnson has got a new leftist plan to fight crime. And it’s called… Bidenomics!
No, wait. That’s a leftist plan to fight prosperity and economic success. ≤begin creepy whisper≥ And guess what? It’s working! ≤end creepy whisper≥
But Johnson’s plan is just as brilliant. From his predecessor, Bug-Eyed River-Carp Lightfoot, he inherited a huge crime wave in general, and a skyrocketing carjacking rate in particular. Because who could have ever anticipated that hamstringing cops and releasing criminals with no bail requirements would cause crime to explode?
(Before you answer that, remember that many leftists are severely allergic to the law of cause and effect. They have to wear three masks and get an unending series of vaccinations to fight off its effects.)
If you’re an old fogey who believes that people are responsible for their actions, and therefore criminals are responsible for the crimes they commit, you’re not a Chicago Democrat. Or an idiot. But I repeat myself.
Anyway Brandon’s on the case, and he’s identified the real culprits in this wave of carjacking. And it’s… wait for it… the car makers!
Didn’t see that one coming, did you? But the City of Chicago is now suing Kia and Hyundai, because their cars “are being disproportionately stolen.”
They’ve already tried to sue gun makers because guns are responsible for shooting people, so why not go after the cars for getting themselves stolen?
Up next: Many shiftless crooks break into houses through windows and doors. So expect trial lawyers (guess which political party gets the lion’s share of their lobbying money?) to sue construction companies next.
“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, responsible builders used heavy wooden draw bridges and tiny arrow-slit windows cut into thick stone walls. But the greedy exploiters in Big Plywood and Big Glass – don’t get us started on Big Open Floor Plan! – are more worried about their obscene profits than about the safety of homeowners in a Democrat-run hellscape like Chicago.”
After that, who knows? A lot of slimy characters are imprisoned as serial rapists, when all they did was repeatedly rape women.
“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, women availed themselves of cumbersome metal chastity belts, but today they are running around our streets with their nether regions negligently unprotected by anything requiring a blacksmith and a welder and a winch system to put on. I’d also like to stipulate that my client does not even know how to operate an acetylene torch. So clearly, we are only here because his so-called ‘victims’ were traipsing around without any metal undergarments at all!”
Ugh. I hate to see it happen, but Chicagoans are getting what they voted for.
Speaking of karma’s bitter sting, you may have seen the story about Minnesota politician Shivanthi Sathanandan (pronounced just how it’s spelled), who was recently carjacked in her driveway and beaten by four young males in front of her two small kids.
S-Squared (I’m not typing that name over and over) is a bigshot in the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, and she is now outraged. She posted a dramatic picture of her bloodied face, and an impassioned call to catch the “young people who are running wild… and HOLD THEM IN CUSTODY AND PROSECUTE THEM. PERIOD.”
Before closing with effusive praise for the police who responded, she challenged her constituents to “Look at my face. REMEMBER ME…”
Many Minnesotans already remembered her, from an equally impassioned tweet from just three short years ago. In that little missive she began, “We are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department. Say it with me. DISMANTLE. The. Minneapolis. Police Department.”
From there she went on to tackle the root cause of the post-George Floyd crime wave: Bidenomics!
No, wait. That’s the root cause of stagnation and sky-high interest rates and a grocery bill that requires taking out a HELOC to pay. (Which you don’t qualify for, on account of the aforementioned high interest rates.)
The root cause of crime is, of course, racism. (Unless it’s black-on-black crime. Or white-on-white crime. Or Hispanic-on-Aleut crime. Or black-on-Hispanic, White, Asian or Aleut crime. Etc.)
SS had already found the upper-case letter button, even three years ago. She said that as “allies” we should “LISTEN and LEARN from our Black siblings,” whose community MPD had clearly “failed.” She ended with a flourish: “Be LOUD. Spread this message. Show your support. NOW is the moment for change.”
Well, three years later it turns out that NOW is the moment to change back. Because now she’s all about aggressive policing, with the patrolling and the arresting and the throwing away of the keys. (Did anyone else hear a little Bill Cosby voice while reading that last sentence?)
Her post doesn’t mention the race of her attackers. Since any crime story that features a white perp features the words “white, whiteness, white supremacy, MAGA, racism,” and “Liz Warren,” (#wemustneverstopmockingher), I’m going to assume that the thugs in this case came from the community that the MPD had FAILED.
(By the way, can you imagine the Toobin-tacular moment for the lefty Boston Globe writers when it came time to report on the criminal exploits of pale Irish mobster Whitey Bulger?!)
But SS is still enough of a lefty that she did point the finger at the guns that the thugs carried, too. And come to think of it, the story doesn’t mention the make or model of the car that they stole.
But if it was one of those sexy Hyundais, with their curvaceous rear quarter panels and their come-hither leather seats… Shame on Double-S for being part of the problem!
They say that a conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged. But I wish my lefty friends knew that you don’t have to let your cities be destroyed, your property stolen and your loved ones violated and victimized.
You can just become conservative the same way that most of us around here did it: by getting some life experience, and thinking, and noticing what immiseration machines the various People’s Republics and big blue cities always turn into.
I’ll close with a crime story that could still have a happy ending.
The ACLU is suing the Indiana prison system after officials refused to provide “sex reassignment” surgery to a “transgender” inmate who killed “their” daughter. That’s correct: the boneheads who have screwed up journalism have forced me to use three sets of scare quotes in one freaking sentence!
Let me provide three corrections:
1. There is no such thing as sex “reassignment” surgery. You go into the operation as a dude with testicles, and you come out without testicles. But you’re still a dude. (Or possibly a Gavin Newsom.)
2. You can’t change your gender.
3. “Their” is a plural pronoun.
In this case, the criminal is a monster who strangled his 11-year-old stepdaughter to death. His name is Jonathan Richardson, but the “journalist” points out that he’s “also known as Autumn Cordellione.”
(Note for would-be J-school grads: I shouldn’t be able to tell a reporter that my name is Martin Simpson, but I’m now also known as Ocelot Preckwinkle, and my pronouns are dipthong and umlaut. You idiots.)
Jonathan is a looker, too. He’s got a face and bald head covered with what look like amateur prison tattoos, two unconvincingly drawn-in eyebrows, and eyes that point in different directions. (The eyes aren’t his fault. But the brows, tats and murder rap are all on him.)
The ACLU thinks that not only should Johnny get his junk cut off, but the citizens of Indiana should have to pay for it.
If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that when an alien hottie shows up in body paint and a silver bikini, Captain Kirk is going to have his way with her by the end of the episode. But that’s not relevant right now.
But if tv has taught me at least two other things – and it has – it’s that the members of the incarcerated community are constantly turning random metal objects into homemade knives, and they are invariably not fond of child killers.
(By the way, you know what societal force has caused them to be incarcerated, don’t you? That’s right: Bidenomics!)
So after reading the tale of Johnny the They, I got out a glass and poured two fingers of what I like to call my “thinkin’ bourbon” (ahh, the brownest of the brown liquors)(Name that reference, CO nation!), and I applied my crystal brain to this conundrum.
And came up with a solution at which even the tragically bourbon-less amongst us could arrive:
The warden should escort Jonathan into the giant gen-pop area and say, “Hey everybody, this is Jonathan. He murdered an 11-year-old girl, and he wants the state of Indiana to castrate him, but it’s not in our budget. I’m going to turn off the security cameras now, and the guards are all going to play Angry Birds on their cell phones for 30 minutes.
The first person to bring me Jonathan’s testicles will receive the thanks of the ACLU and the taxpayers of Indiana, and a pack of smokes. Now get to shankin’!”
You’re welcome, criminal law professors everywhere.
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Shivanthi “Hello, 911? Forget what I said three years ago” Sathanandan, 2024!
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