Normally, if you could trade places with me, you’d do so in a heartbeat.
I’ve got a smoke show wife whom I had no right to able to close on, and two daughters who divide their time between saving lives and doing astrophysics while brushing off concussions the way CO brushes off lewd propositions by women other than the COW.
Plus I’ve got a Wonder Dog, and a wizard hat and crystal brain that allow me to see the future as clearly as most people see that Joe Biden is decomposing before their very eyes.
Not to mention my humility, which draws people to me.
But I’m currently facing a dilemma that would make all of you hesitate to be me for a day. Because I’m in the mocking leftists bidness, and that is now a Sisyphean task!
What am I going to do, NOT talk about hilarious Senator John Kennedy reading gay child porn in his corn pone accent to a bunch of smarmy leftist educrats who are horrified to realize that they have outed themselves as gay-child-porn-in-grade-school enthusiasts?
Am I supposed to just skip the story about the Chicago teachers’ union boss who got caught sending her own kid to charter schools, and then inadvertently said her kid is special and should get a good education, while you nobodies should be forced to send your kids to the union-controlled Malcolm X Super-Max/Junior High?
Am I not supposed to comment on NYC Mayor Eric Adams (D-lusional) ranting that the illegals who 18 months ago were our strength, and the best among us, and fully deserving of all of our taxpayer dollars they could grab are now a pestilence of Biblical proportions? “They’re going to destroy our city! There’s no end to this situation! Flee for your lives, because our city is becoming a sulphurous hellscape!!”
Way ahead of you, Eric. And we eagerly await your groveling apology for calling us racist demons when we warned you about the very situation that now has you hysterical. You can send that formal apology – and your resignation letter – to CO HQ/ Free State of Florida.
And that’s not to mention lonely and embittered misogynist Keith Olbermann getting rhetorically pantsed by Riley Gaines, whom he mocked because she lost a swimming race to a hulking dude. Or Biden giving a veteran an award and then just wandering away in the middle of the ceremony.
Or Que Mala, continuing to be Que Mala.
Ugh. I’m only one man, people. One charming, sharp-witted role model of a man.
So I’m going to soldier on, and do what I can do.
I love that Biden’s show-runners’ latest attempt to propagandize on his behalf – the term “Bidenomics” – has so spectacularly blown up in their faces. They tried to take back the term from his detractors, and they’ve managed to make it an even more blatant signifier of justified derision for their economic plan, such as it is.
Not since “Let’s Go, Brandon” has a phrase become such clear shorthand for a laughable screw-up.
So I now pledge to you that going forward, I’m going to do my best to turn that term into even more of a running joke than it already is.
If you think I’ve gone to the well too often with Imhotep Pelosi, or Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine) or Lizzie “Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden” Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), buckle up. Because “Bidenomics” is going to become my newest, almost Tourettes-like verbal tic.
Anyway, let’s start with football. Because it’s football season, dammit.
We’re not going to talk about how my Bears or Gators did to start the season. Because there’s already enough going on in this country to be sick about.
ESPN’s Football Power Index (FPI) ranks college football teams after Week 2. And they have Texas, who beat Alabama at Alabama by 10 – at number 6, and Alabama (who you may remember just lost to Texas at home by 10) at #1.
I know that ESPN is owned by Disney, and thus can’t distinguish between a man and a woman. But are you telling me that they don’t understand that a team who outscores another team by 10 points should NOT be ranked above that team?
You know what I call that kind of reasoning?
That’s right: Bidenomics! (Boom!)
Speaking of losers of indeterminate gender, Mitt Romney is finally retiring, just a scant dozen years after he should have. Hey everybody, strike up the New Orleans-style parade with the kind of jazz funeral that they’re known for! (Of course, no state is as closely associated with the Afro-Caribbean roots of New Orleans jazz as is Utah. Hence the name of their pro NBA team.)
The Babylon Bee headine said it best: “Democrats Scramble to Find Replacement for Retiring Mitt Romney.”
Many of us were willing to cut Mittens some slack when he was a pol in MA, because no actual conservative can win there. So he actually was – tragically enough – the most conservative electable person in his MA gov race.
But once he went to Utah and got elected in that deep red state and STILL acted like an MA mush? He proved himself to be the dictionary definition of a RINO.
And by the way, everyone who is throwing around that smear term indiscriminately? If you think that rock-ribbed conservatives like Chip Roy, Thomas Massie, or DeSantis are in the same political solar system as Romney or Dr. Oz or Liz Cheney, you need to seriously re-examine your premises.
Speaking of politically despicable hacks, the leftist prosecutor in GA wants to try Trump and codefendants on October 23, or by the spring at the latest, as do the corrupt lefties in the other cases.
I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but I think a common sense rule should prevail: if Arse Willis in GA (she spells her first name wrong, so I’ve corrected it for her) wants to sit around for two and a half years putting a “case” together to charge Trump and his supporters, then the Trump people need to have the same amount of time to prepare their defense.
So we’ll see you in late 2025, beeyotch.
On the same general topic, I don’t know if any of Trump’s advisors have mentioned this to him, but it would be smart for him to pay for the defense of his co-defendants. Morally that’s true for 2 reasons:
1. All of them are in this position because they supported him and his post-election efforts, and the corrupt GA Dems are targeting them just as unfairly as they are targeting Trump. That’s not Trump’s fault, but it’s not theirs either. And they aren’t multi-billionaires.
2. Paying for the little guys’ defense out of his own deep pockets would also help Trump address a weak spot of his that many people with functioning eyes have noticed, i.e. his tendency to demand loyalty while simultaneously attacking and/or throwing under the bus many members of his own administration when they’ve disagreed with him on any point, large or small.
Well, these innocent co-defendants of relatively modest means have been nothing but loyal to him, and now they’re looking at bankruptcy and legal peril. Trump could bolster his image re: loyalty if he would put his money where his mouth has been. (I don’t mean that part pejoratively. Trump has been rhetorically writing checks that – unlike most weasel politicians – he actually CAN cash. So I hope he does so, in defense of his supporters.)
If none of that reasoning moves him, there’s also a pragmatic reason to pitch in for their costs: if he allows the system to grind them down and bankrupt them when he could easily prevent that, the likelihood of some of them flipping on him (even if they have to lie to do so) is greatly increased.
And that would give the Left an outrageous and undeserved win.
Okay, I’ve got to at least do a drive-by on the stories about Sen. Kennedy reading child porn and the Chicago teacher union hypocrite. What do these stories have in common? They both involve abuse of children. And they both illustrate the truism that sunlight and transparency are to Democrats what a cross is to a vampire.
(Now that I think about it, the cross is as threatening and disgusting to the elite of the national Democrat party as it is to vampires.)
If you haven’t seen the video of Kennedy reading excerpts from “All Boys Aren’t Blue” – and if you have a strong stomach and a dark sense of humor – it is must-watch tv. That book is one of several which leftists across the country have insisted must be bought with taxpayer funds and made available to children.
But of course they NEVER name that book, or Gender Queer, or any of the others. Because they’ve acted out a hysterical psychodrama to make us think that the books that evil conservatives are trying to “ban” are great works of Western literature.
So when septuagenarian southern grandpa John Kennedy cleared his throat and began to read through his thick grandpa glasses, it was an epic moment in the history of Senate hearings:
“I put some lube on, and got him on his knees. And I began to slide into…”
During the next 45 seconds – featuring more bleeped-out words than a Redd Foxx nightclub performance – it was joyous to behold the horrified leftists before him.
They squirmed in their chairs like so many terrified Nosferati (obscure Latin plurals for the win!) trying to duck out of any random shafts of sunlight that might pierce the gloom of the hearing room, and cause their sickly flesh to begin melting and then burst into flames.
(The analogy judges would have also accepted “like the Nazis when the ark of the covenant was opened at the end of Raiders.”)
The corrupt president of Chicago’s teachers’ union similarly tried to hide her own creepiness.
In the past Stacy Davis-Gates – who is black, so you know the black kids trapped in failing Chicago schools feel just great about being led by someone “who looks like them” – has smeared school choice advocates as “bigots,” “racists” and fascists.” (Oh my.)
She also called private schools “segregation academies,” and “the choices of racists.”
Racists like her, as it turns out. Because she’s been sending her son to just such a private school! Cue the sad trombone. (What’s that? All public school music classes have been cut so that the schools could focus on America-hating CRT classes? Of course.)
But don’t worry, because she has a good reason, unlike you segregationist bigots. She and her husband were “forced” to send her kiddo to a klan-tastic racist school “so he could live out his dream of being a soccer player” while also getting a solid curriculum.
I’m not even going to bring up the terrible parenting that results in your child dreaming of being a soccer player! (Yuck!) But she’s here to tell you that her son has dreams. Not like your bigoted segregationist spawn, who are as racist as their deplorable parents, and are naturally dreamless.
But she’s not done, because she knows who the real bad guys are: they’re the “same school-choice operators” who “take action to shortchange students” and “engage in fraudulent practices and provide substandard services to Black and Brown families.”
Do you need more weird capitalization? She’s got you: “If you are a Black family living in a Black community, high-quality neighborhood schools have been the dream, not the reality.”
Boy, if only we could find the MAGA-hat wearing racists who are responsible for this tragic—
Wait a minute. That’s YOU, Stacy! You’re the ones with total control over Black neighborhood schools for the last century. You’re the ones shortchanging students, engaging in fraudulent practices and providing substandard services.
Don’t you understand what we’ve been trying to tell you for decades, Stacy? Black Lives Matter, you hypocritical bigot!
See, I’m at the end of another column, and I’ve barely scratched the surface.
So here’s a few teasers for Monday:
Hang on, Ukraine, because help is on the way. Our posthumous Prez has appointed an official US rep to your country, to take responsibility for rebuilding your economy. Hooray!
Also, Biden goes to Vietnam, and the results are only slightly worse than the late unpleasantness there.
Plus an EV road trip turns into a Bataan Death March into PR hell, and a leftist politician gets spanked by a drag queen, and shockingly enough, it’s not Hunter Biden. (The spankee, I mean. Or the drag queen.)
Bidenomics delenda est! (Boom!)
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Stacy “Lousy schools for thee but not for me” Davis, 2024!
Martin Simpson 