All right, no time for small talk. I’m being buried by leftist lunacy that’s not going to mock itself. So let’s go:
I don’t know if you saw it, but last Monday a small group of lefty jackasses showed up at House Speaker McCarthy’s office to protest that conservatives are forcing them to get AIDS, or something. (I knew that Trump’s bill requiring annoying leftists to have unprotected anal sex while sharing heroin needles was going to come back and hurt us in the polls!)
Half a dozen of them forced their way in, then sat on the floor, linked arms, and prevented any government business being done there until Capitol police were called to remove them.
There’s a word for what they did. And no – I’m way ahead of you – it’s not “Bidenomics!”
It’s “insurrection.” At least according to our MSM and lefty elites since January 6th. So I guess we should expect that they’ll all be held in solitary confinement for at least a year, after which they’ll be sentenced to a few decades in federal prison?
I’m not holding my breath.
Unless I’m within arm’s length of any member of the Biden administration. Because those guys stink.
Also this past week, two bodies of mummified aliens were displayed with great fanfare to a Mexican congressional hearing in Mexico City. According to the ufologist, the bodies are between 700-1800 years old, and x-rays prove that they are definitely non-human aliens.
But take that with a grain of salt, because the ufologist has also claimed in the past that a sexually promiscuous pangolin caused covid, Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, and Joe Biden never talked with Hunter about his bribe-taking business.
Still, the Mexican pols and US news media were giddy with speculation about what we might be able to learn from dissecting the desiccated alien corpses.
Until one of them opened its eyes, sat up, and declared that she’s running for re-election in California next year.
“Ay, dios mio!” shouted one terrified Mexican policeman. “It’s Imhotep Pelosi!”
“Ella es el monstruo mas grande de la historia!” shouted another. “Silencio por favor, Martino!”
Then Pelosi shook the other alien to wake her up, and it turned out to be Dianne Feinstein.
All I have to say about this story is that at this point, if the alien corpse being kept under wraps at Area 51 turns out to be “Cocaine” Mitch McConnell, I will be no more than mildly surprised.
In foreign policy news, the Biden administration managed to shame our nation in three different countries within the last fortnight.
First, you may remember the Biden administration’s savvy negotiating skills from that time when they gave Russia a blood-drenched Russian terrorist named “Dr. Death” in exchange for a WNBA player no one had ever heard of (I know: I could have just said “a WNBA player”) with way more loyalty to the island of Lesbos than to America.
Well last week Biden’s Keystone Diplomacy Cops topped that, by giving Iran 5 Iranian spies and $6 billion in exchange for their releasing 5 Iranian-American hostages. When asked by reporters whether that deal wasn’t bat-guano crazy (I’m paraphrasing), sapphic kewpie doll KJP got indignant. “No, we’re not paying ransom! We’re just giving billions of dollars to a terrorist nation in exchange for the release of hostages.”
Second, Biden went to Viet Nam and stepped on one rhetorical bouncing Betty mine (look that up, and shudder) after another.
He re-told the idiotic and garbled “dog-faced pony soldier” movie line. He admitted that he was calling on the pre-selected subservient reporters that his staff told him to. And when he started to ramble, they played him off stage with some soft-jazz elevator music, like he was a drunken awards show winner thanking his agent’s hairdresser’s nephew.
And speaking of saying the quiet part out loud, when his train of thought derailed completely, he said – and I really wish I was making this up – “I tell you what, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go to bed.”
A few politicians might be able to get away with saying that. But probably only if they were obviously joking.
Trump could clearly pull it off. But he’d say, “I’m going to go to bed… with my supermodel wife.” Then he’d point and shoot a finger gun at the nearest male reporter, while gender feminists in the WH press corps (i.e. all of them) would roll their eyes in disgust, and males who identify as males in the rest of the country would grin and nod.
But not our Cadaver in Chief. He wasn’t kidding, and he wasn’t making that comment after pulling off a grueling week of 18-hour-days of deft crisis management.
He’d just held an 18-minute press conference with nothing but pre-vetted questions. And he was exhausted.
Ugh.
Then Biden went for the hat-trick on Thursday, by saddling the beleaguered Ukrainians with one more crippling obstacle, in the form of his newly appointed “special representative to rebuild the Ukrainian economy,” Penny Pritzker.
If her name sounds familiar, that’s because she’s the sister of J.B. Pritzker (D-Krispy Kreme), the Illinois Governor un-affectionately known as the “Round Mound of Unsound” (Governance).
Before you cast doubt on Penny’s qualifications for guiding a war-torn nation’s economic recovery, you should know that she’s got a long history of making great economic decisions. Her first one was choosing to be born to billionaire parents. (Brilliant move!) Later, she became the chairperson of the Superior Bank of Chicago, after which she steered the bank into the fast-paced and lucrative business of subprime mortgages.
Annnnnd… the bank went bust, and never fully paid back its investors. (This was 8 years before the nationwide sub-prime mortgage disaster. Because Penny was ahead of her time.)
Not long after the bank went under, she became a big contributor to Barack Obama, and when he became president (Why, God? Why have You forsaken us?), he appointed her US Secretary of Commerce.
“How did that go?” you’re probably not asking, because you remember. (Spoiler alert: all of the presidents from George Washington to George W, over 226 years, ran up a national debt of $10 trillion. And in just 8 short years, the Obama-Pritzker juggernaut was able to double that!)
You know how if you look at aerial footage of Kiev today, you see a landscape of crumbling infrastructure and bombed out buildings, broken only occasionally by plumes of smoke rising from various craters within the ruins of a once-thriving metropolis, now devastated?
Oh, sorry. That’s what you see if you look at aerial footage of Chicago today.
Well, good luck Ukrainians, because the lady who helped her brother and an unbroken series of Democrat mayors do that to Chicago is on her way over to help you out!
And here I am, out of space again, with half of the loony lefty stories not even touched on yet!
But I can’t end this column without discussing the feel-good story of the week: the capture of evil multiple-murderer and illegal alien Danelo Cavalcante, two weeks after he escaped from prison in Pennsylvania.
There’s a lot to be disgusted by in this story, for sure. Cavalcante murdered someone in his native Brazil in 2017, before illegally coming into the US. Luckily for him, one of our major political parties is doing everything it can to welcome a flood of illegals from all over the world. And they could not care less if many of those illegals are violent scumbags; in fact, they’re actively thwarting all attempts to vet said scumbags and prevent their entry.
Cavalcante repaid the idiotic ideological gift they gave him by murdering his ex-girlfriend. He stabbed her 38 times, in front of her two young children.
Now that he’s been recaptured, he probably won’t murder any more Americans. But his ex is dead, her children are motherless, and our taxes will go to support him in prison for decades to come. Because diversity is our strength!
Also: Bidenomics!
Still, even with all of the political rot that has allowed Cavalcante to be here, and still wasting our environment’s precious oxygen, two images from this story warm my heart.
The first is a picture taken immediately after the capture, with the murderer’s face covered in blood, and the second is of the handsome and intelligent face of Yoda, the Belgian Malinois hero dog who was the first to make contact with the criminal alien.
By means of his teeth. When Cavalcante realized the border patrol team was close, he tried to get away, crawling through thick brush with a stolen rifle. But Yoda tracked him through the brush and pounced. One news account said that he “subdued” Cavalcante until the border patrol could get him cuffed.
And as every good K-9 knows, the best way to subdue a murderer is by biting him. In the head.
Another news story confirmed that the filthy animal was bitten by Yoda “at least once” (I hope it was many more times than once), and that his scalp wounds “were treated at the scene” (I hope by vigorously rubbing medicinal salt into them).
Our president may be a dementia-riddled grifter and the Pritzkers disasters, but the border patrol are good guys, and Yoda is a Very Good Boy indeed!
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Danelo “Chewy Skull” Cavalcante, 2024!
Martin Simpson 