Okay, no time to waste.
John Fetterman has apparently recovered from his stroke, which is both good news and bad news. It’s good news for him, because he can now speak well enough to make himself understood.
But it’s bad news for him, because – as I believe I just mentioned – he can now speak well enough to make himself understood. So now all of us understand that he’s a petulant, arrogant, classless moron without the judgment to be employed as one of Liz Warren’s buffalo wranglers, let alone as a Senator.
(I know: a buffalo wrangler isn’t a thing. But I wasn’t able to work a reference to Grandma Squanto into the last couple of columns, so that’s the best Indian-adjacent reference I could come up with on short notice.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
The Democrat voters should be ashamed of themselves for electing this hulking boor, and I hope he mortifies them every day for the remainder of his term.
And even though plenty of Republicans do idiotic things – including cheating Kristi Noem, fun-first-date Lauren Boebert, and catatonic Chinless Cartoon Turtle McConnell – Democrats have elected Fetterwoman, Melting-Face Maxine Waters and Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine), along with dozens of others just as bad.
So before they open their mouths to say anything about any GOP dimwit, they can take some 50-year-old advice from Archie Bunker and stifle themselves. (And yes, that’s just another example of the up-to-the-minute cultural references you get when you read my cutting-edge columns. You’re welcome.)
Hunter suing the IRS is great. If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that a coconut that falls on a dumb guy’s head makes him into a genius, and he starts using words like “indubitably.” But that’s not relevant right now.
But if tv has taught me at least one other thing, it’s that in our court system, a lawsuit ends up going through a discovery phase. And for Hunter, as for most national Dems, discovery is the LAST thing they want.
Democrats who scream about conservatives “banning books” hate it when we discover that those books are mostly guides to oral copulation for pre-teens.
Democrats who scream about “trans rights” hate it when we discover that that means having a creepy dude Toobin-ing in a sorority shower room while the actual women there flee the place.
Democrats who generate a cloud of verbal fog about “women’s health care” hate it when we discover that they really mean aborting babies, even during the hours right before birth.
And for Hunter – a guy who has divided his time between grifting bags of cash out of corrupt foreign countries and snorting crack off the bare hindquarters of hookers from many nations – I don’t think he’s going to like what gets discovered during the discovery phase.
Speaking of lefties and their unusual sexual enthusiasms, did you hear the one about the Democrat mayor who agreed to be spanked by a drag queen to raise money for a Democrat senate candidate?
I know, that sounds like the set up for a horrendously unfunny joke. And I guess it is. But it’s also a true thing that really happened. In California. (Surprise!)
The mayor is named Konstantine Anthony. And you may be thinking, “Hey, maybe other than this one weird proclivity for being spanked an overweight, unattractive dude in a bad dress and worse makeup, Anthony has his head on straight, and has his act together.”
Oh, who am I kidding? Nobody thinks that. And everybody is right. Because Anthony supports defunding the police, since “the instigators of crime are poverty, mental health, economic issues, drug addiction [and] the family or locale you live in.”
Which makes perfect sense. Because who among us hasn’t had her car stolen by poverty, or his house broken into by economic issues, or his mom sexually assaulted by the locale he lived in?
Anthony is also an avowed Marxist. (Surprise!) So when we look at the big picture, willingly getting spanked by a chubby perv is probably the most wholesome part of Anthony’s political behavior.
The only objection I have to the veracity of any of the details reported in the story is that the writer referred to Anthony as a “low-rent Gavin Newsom.” That label wrongly implies that there is a high-class Gavin Newsom out there somewhere, which is obviously ridiculous.
Gavin Newsom IS a low-rent Gavin Newsom.
In another political train-wreck I wasn’t able to get to last week, NPR did a story on Biden’s Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm (think AOC without the juicy booty – her words – or prominent choppers, and a lot older, but not one day smarter).
It seems that Brandon’s been throwing huge piles of our tax money at American car makers to coerce them into losing billions making electric cars that most people don’t want and for which essential infrastructure doesn’t yet exist. Also the cars require Chi-com-enriching and environmentally devastating batteries made of equal parts heavy metals and slave laborers’ tears, and they are actually powered by coal and nuclear power, since that is where we get most of our electricity.
But other than that, they’re great!
So Biden sent Granholm on a four-day road trip this summer to show just how fantastic EVs are.
Unfortunately, the road trip didn’t take place in an NPR studio – where boys can be girls, and Marxism makes sense, and up is down – but in the real world. Where EVs tend to run into real-world problems. Like batteries that tend to lose energy like Hunter Biden after all of the hookers’ rear ends have been sniffed clean of cocaine.
And like a severe shortage of reliable charging stations. Which made for a hilarious self-own when Granholm’s small caravan of EVs – not including the most reliable models, from Tesla, because leftists are mad at Elon for supporting free speech – arrived at several stops where there weren’t enough chargers. And some of them were broken, or too slow, or being used by American citizens who aren’t part of Her Highness Granholm’s posse.
That’s right, one of her minions arrived at a charging station early and blocked it so that she could use it when she arrived. An American family with a small child who were prevented from charging up got mad enough to call the cops over it, and Granholm’s entire team ended up looking almost as laughably incompetent as they are.
And somewhere in DC, Mayor Pete took a break from his ongoing paternity leave for just long enough to thank Jenny G for at least momentarily bumping him out of the “most embarrassing energy-related Biden appointee” spot.
And now, as is my custom, I’ll close with a good news story, this one coming – unbelievably enough – out of Chicago!
Regular readers will recall my praise for the internet site of Donut Operator, the hilarious former cop who posts various stories of police interactions with criminals. He recently linked to a hugely satisfying short video of what happened when a criminal dullard tried to steal an off-duty female cop’s pistol. (You can find it by searching “Donut Operator female cop attacked.”)
After she went out to calm down a disturbance and then turned to leave, a young thug grabbed her and tried to take her gun, snarling, “B*tch, give me that gun!”
The woman – who I am here and now nominating to be the next mayor of Chicago – immediately flipped the “tussle” switch. She fought him for the gun while repeating what should have been a super-useful warning: “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”
The thug, who apparently went to Chicago’s union-run public schools, replied, “You gonna have to kill me then!”
And then, in the coolest dialogue outside of an Elmore Leonard novel or a Clint Eastwood movie, the bad-arse cop lady said, “Okay, watch this.” And she shot him. He responded by saying, “Ow, sh*t!” and then, quickly, “I’m sorry.”
But he continued to struggle with her, so she shot him twice more, demonstrating once again the eternal truth of the phrase, “That iron get ya’ mind right.”
Because his next words were, “You got me, you got me.”
To which she responded, “I told you! I told your dumb *ss I’ll kill you.”
And he said, “Okay, okay. Dang, you shot me for real.”
Donut puts the perfect capper on the story, shrugging and saying, “Anyway, he died.”
Though the video just now came to my attention, the crime happened back in January. And now the deceased thug’s family is suing the city of Chicago for $10 million.
I’m not sure what their legal argument is going to be, but I hope they receive the entire zero dollars that they’re entitled to.
Have a good weekend everybody, and don’t forget…
Biden delenda est!
“Dr.” Jill Biden/Konstantine “Spanky” Anthony, 2024!
Martin Simpson 