Month: October 2023

Today I’ve found a few silver linings in the ongoing Hamas story, but first I’ve got a crime story.

This tale takes place in Tennessee, where a mother of three got pulled over by cops, was allegedly armed, and when the cops got up to her window, they shot her a lot and quickly, killing her.

I know what you’re thinking, if you’re a regular consumer of the MSM: red state TN, white cops, poor black lady shot for driving while black, right? 

Oops.   Turns out the lady in question was a pale-skinned blonde gal who was as white as Lizzie Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and the two officers appear to be black. 

I know what you’re thinking now, if you watch MSM news: Okay, so now that it’s a white lady who got killed by black cops, the entire white racist MAGA establishment is out to lynch both of those cops for harming a blonde hair on the dead lady’s head, right?

I refer you to Dr. Evil: How about NO!

First, you wrongly referred to lynching, which is what the Democrats used to do to black folk when they were running things down south.  Second, after an investigation, the cops aren’t being charged.  Third, the local community, white and black seem to be just fine with this outcome.

In fact, other than the races involved, this story hits all of the same notes whined about by leftist BLM racial arsonist types when they launch a dishonest smear job on innocent cops, but the only one whining now is the dead gal’s boyfriend. 

It seems that he’s the one who initially called the cops, because when he tried to confront her about her drinking problem, she pulled a shotgun on him and then got in her truck and drove away.  (Don’t we all keep a shotgun by our bed, just in case our significant other accuses us of having a drinking problem?) (No?  It’s just me and that blonde lady?  Fine!)  

When the cops stopped her – after she led them on a long chase and tried to take off after being stopped the first time – she picked up the shotgun that she kept on the passenger seat – as one does – and pointed it at the cops.

After the cops did the right thing and helped her assume room temperature, the boyfriend gave a media interview in which he said what a great mom and excellent person she was, and how terrible it was that they just shot her down like a dog. 

Okay Chip, then why didn’t you use the power of sweet reason on that excellent mom when she was screaming and pointing a shotgun at you, and disarm her, rather than calling the cops – who you think should have waited to see if she blew one of their heads off before they shot her, I guess?

Look, if Liam Neeson movies have taught me one thing, it’s that you shouldn’t kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter and force her into a sex slavery ring.  But that’s not relevant right now.

But if Liam Neeson movies have taught me one OTHER thing, it’s that you can easily use your cat-like reflexes to quickly disarm anybody near you.  Especially if that involves snatching a shotgun out of the hands of a drunk lady who looks like Liz Warren’s twin sister.  If you didn’t do that, that’s on you.

I like this story because it so perfectly debunks what whitey-hating racists always say: Cops never shoot whites during traffic stops, and conservatives only say, “We support the police” as a racist dog whistle when cops shoot a black person.

Wrong again, BLM breath! (Hat tip to Johnny Carson from 30 years ago.)  If I can speak for all conservatives – and I think that I can – we say that we support cops when they are forced to shoot criminals purely because…wait for it… we support cops when they are forced to shoot criminals!

Okay, on to the latest in jihadi-cide news.  (I’d like to copyright that term, right now.)

I had heard that the terrorists attacked Israel by land, air and sea on October 7^th, but until a couple of days ago, I hadn’t heard anything about the “by sea” part.  But then I watched some beautiful footage of Israeli boats taking on Hamas boats and swimming terrorists on 10/7, and it was the opposite of what happened on land: instead of facing senior citizens, toddlers and unarmed women, the Hamas-holes (copyright by me, right now) faced trained and armed soldiers. 

And they got the crap kicked out of them.

The footage shows Israeli speed boats blasting away at Hamas small boats, turning them into flaming and sinking wrecks.  Then the speed boats race around in circles, machine gunning swimming terrorists and dropping hand-grenade-sized depth charges near them as they fly by.

The Israelis were calling out to each other, and though the footage doesn’t show any faces, some of the Israelis sound like women.  Which is extra sweet, considering what misogynistic creeps the Islamic terrorists are.

I don’t understand Hebrew, but I like to think that at least some of their shouts translate to, “You’re being killed by Jewish women, you swine!” and “Swim for your miserable lives, mother-frienders!”

Also, I’m a huge fan of one Jew who really didn’t appreciate those who are cruel to children.  In fact, He said, “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” 

So I really hope that one of those bad-ass Israelis with the belt-fed weapons on the boats, when he saw some wounded terrorists bobbing on the waves, said (in Hebrew), “Get me one of those millstones that we keep on board for just this type of occasion.” 

(I know: theologically speaking, most of the orthodox Jewish community doesn’t love JC like I do.  But I’m still holding on to my fantasy of a millstone in a glass case on every Israeli patrol boat, with a sign saying, “In case of dog-paddling Hamas terrorists, break glass.”) 

One other good video released this week came from a Go-Pro camera worn by a terrorist as he roamed through a kibbutz looking for civilians to slaughter.  He’s walking along with one of his child-murdering buddies and they’re chatting back and forth. 

It’s about 3 minutes long and has a happy ending: a gunshot sounds from off-screen, and the guy howls in pain and falls down, then mutters something in Arabic and lets out a death rattle as the camera angle slowly pitches upward, ending on a shot of the blue sky as the terrorist’s body settles back onto the grass. 

I don’t speak Arabic, but I’ve put on my conical purple wizard hat and set it to “translate.”  Here are the results: 

Terrorist 1: I wish there was a toddler or unarmed senior citizen around, so I could demonstrate my bravery by shooting them.

Terrorist 2 (with the Go Pro): I know what you mean, my friend.  I can’t wait until we’re done committing these horrific crimes against humanity, so I can post this video online.  Our friends at Ivy league schools are going to love it!

T1:  Yes!  My favorites are the purple-haired girl-boys!  I mean sure, we’d stone them to death or throw them off a building if they were here, but as long as they’ve over there doing our PR work for us…

T2:  Speaking of that, how hot are Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar, by our pathetically low standards!  I’d love to take both of them back to my hovel and make them wear a black tent and hit them every time they tried to talk. 

T1 (agreeing): It’s every jihadi’s dream!  Hey, can you cover me while I urinate?  Oh wait, I left my tweezers back in Gaza.

T2 (gunshot sounds, and he tumbles forward): OUCH!  Oh no, I see Satan, and I can feel the eternal rectal pitchforking beginning.  I regret all my life choices….

And, scene.

In other feckless Europeans news, I saw the headline, “Scottish Leader Promises ‘Sanctuary’ for Palestinians (sic) Fleeing from ‘Terrible Attacks’ in Gaza,” and was shocked.  During my recent trip to Scotland, I found the Scots to be lovely people, and I couldn’t imagine that any of them are terrorist-sympathizing—

And then I saw the “Scottish leader’s” name.  Humza Yousaf. 

Oh.  Could some Scottish authority remind me which side of the Battle of Culloden that Clan Yousaf fought on?  I’m pretty sure they’re the ones with the tartan featuring a Star of David in a circle with a big line through it, right?   

Yay diversity!  Good job, Euro-weenies who can’t see what could possibly go wrong with importing Muslims from all around the globe!

And now the leftists in this country want us to import a million Hamas-enthusiasts from Gaza? 

In the words of Ron DeSantis (please let him be our president!) quoting Dr. Evil:  “How about NO!”

Hamas delenda est!

Thirty-some odd years ago, as I was walking up to my new buddy’s door, he casually mentioned that a Norwegian goddess was staying with him and his wife.  And since I’d always wanted to meet one of those, I tucked my shirt in and told myself not to say something stupid. 

So I walked in, and she was there, and I swear it was like we were both hearing the first 1:25 of Etta James singing “At Last.”  (Stop reading for a minute and pull up that song and listen to it….  Yeah, it was just like that.)

And then I probably said something stupid.  But neither of us remember what, because of that Etta James, love-at-first-sight thing. 

Then a few years went by, and we got married, and we had our first baby.  (For those of you gender studies majors out there, I can explain how that happened later.  But the process begins with, “When a hilarious genius and a blue-eyed blonde smoke-show love each other very much, and they both identify as the gender that they obviously are…”)

That baby girl was born 26 years ago today, and we couldn’t be prouder of her.  We saw her last week, she’s coming back to visit with her husband at Thanksgiving, and we’re going out to see them in Denver at Christmas.

Happy birthday, Katie!

I start today with that story because I didn’t want to write three columns in a row about nothing but bloodthirsty terrorists killing babies that make me think of both of my girls when they were that age. 

Having said that, I’ve got to cover the news of the day, and that news is terrorist-heavy.  So here goes:

On the bright side, I’m loving the amount of push-back that many pro-Hamas moral idiots have been receiving on some campuses.  The Harvard story got better when a Jewish donor encouraged other supporters to send $1 checks to Harvard; since that guy gave $50 million in the past, I think the Harvard-Hamas bureaucrats will notice the difference. 

I also love the guys from Accuracy in Media, who drove a panel truck around the Harvard campus with a sign reading, “Harvard’s Leading Anti-Semites,” and a digital screen that cycled through the pictures and names of 34 of the student gauleiters – er, “leaders” – who jumped on the pro-genocide bandwagon on October 7^th.  

The students at NYU’s law school had chosen a piece of work named Ryna Workman as the president of their Student Bar Association.  She’s a black female who identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns – so already, cuckoo for cocoa puffs – but she apparently also moonlights as a vicious anti-Semite.  Because as soon as Hamas started slaughtering unarmed civilians, she put out a notice supporting “Palestinians” and blaming Israelis for everything.

And then, mirabile dictu, she got a face-full of instant karma.  Before you could say, “Arbeit macht frei,” the SBA started the process of removing her from her presidency, and the elite law firm that had given her a job offer rescinded it. 

Great!  More please!

Meanwhile, in Dearborn-istan, MI, a low-IQ BLM speaker (but I repeat myself) said this actual quote that I am not making up: “This is not complicated.  When you go to a BLM rally you see Palestinian flags; when you go to a white supremacy rally, you see Israeli flags.”

Let’s not dwell on the fact that this idiot thinks the first part – seeing “Palestinian” flags at your rallies – is a good thing.  (The call-and-response chants write themselves: “Who wants to murder babies?”  “We do!”  “When do we want to murder babies?” “All the freaking time!” or “Hey, hey, ho, ho.  Not murdering old people has got to go!”)

He somehow raises the stupidity bar with the second half of his imbecilic statement.  Because I can’t remember the last white supremacy rally I’ve seen.  (Unless you count all of the ones on campuses arguing for affirmative action, which implicitly requires believing that whites are a superior race, due to its premise that no dark-skinned people could ever gain admission to college unless they are given an unearned advantage.) 

But you know what NO white supremacist rally in the history of the world has EVER featured?  A Jewish flag!!  The last serious and influential white supremacy group was the Nazis (if you don’t count the Democrats who enforced their Jim Crow laws until the mid 1960s), and unless the History Channel has misled me, they weren’t exactly philo-Semitic. 

Speaking of Nazis, I think that comparing Hamas to them might be an insult to the Nazis. 

I know, but hear me out.

Though all German military units were fighting for an evil cause and deserved all of the violence that the Allied toxic males rained down upon them, some of them were especially terrible.  The SS, for example, were worse than the average Wehrmacht soldiers. 

And even among the SS, the einsatzgruppen – paramilitary death squads formed to do nothing but find and slaughter Jews as the Nazis pushed into eastern Europe – stood out as the worst of the worst of the SS.

But with their behavior last week, Hamas showed none of the military discipline and adherence to the rules of war that at least some German soldiers did.  Their actions against women, children and the elderly on October 7^th demonstrated the core character of Hamas: they’re ALL einsatzgruppen!   

I was also surprised – though maybe I shouldn’t have been – by the amount of complaining about Israel cutting off water and power to the Gaza strip. 

I didn’t realize that Israel has been facilitating the provision of water and power there, although that makes sense in light of two facts: Israel’s much greater humanitarian concern for Gazans than Hamas’, and the Hamas government’s spending the lion’s share of incoming funds on murdering Jews, rather than such peripheral projects such as – oh I don’t know – life-enhancing infrastructure for their own people!

(It turns out that many countries have been sending Hamas water pipes to facilitate their accessing the aquifer under Gaza to provide water for their people.  Instead, Hamas re-tooled those pipes into missiles to use to kill Jews.  Because einsatzgruppen gotta einsatzgrupp, I guess.)

And now, in the wake of Hamas’ murderous attack, people expect Israel to continue allowing water and electricity into Gaza?  Did we do that for the Germans in Berlin in 1945?  Did our Republican president Lincoln make sure that the Democrat slavery fans in Atlanta or Vicksburg had clean drinking water in the mid-1860s? 

(For you non-history buffs, the answer – to paraphrase Dr. Evil – is,“How about NO!”)

Anyway, apparently raping and baby-killing is thirsty work.   So cue the sad klezmer music, I guess.  Oh wait: no klezmer music is sad.  So we’ll just stick with the sad trombone for our brave but thirsty Hamas civilian-slaughterers.

To paraphrase Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven, “You should have provided for your own water and electricity before you murdered our friends.”

That reminds me of another movie reference, to the 1983 film version of Stephen King’s novel The Dead Zone.  The movie is worth watching, if you haven’t seen it.  Christopher Walken is the protagonist, and Martin Sheen plays the villain, a politician with serious mental and moral deficiencies.  (Like Biden, only alive.)

In the climactic scene (spoiler alert, if you might watch it), Walken attempts to assassinate Sheen with a rifle, but the wiley pol sees him, and grabs a nearby baby, holding the child up in front of him.  Walken hesitates – because shooting a baby is bad – and a bodyguard shoots him dead.  But in a premonition of the future, we see that Sheen kills himself because his political career is over, since a magazine cover showed a picture of him hiding behind the baby. 

I thought of that scene this week, and wondered if that movie has ever played in Gaza.  If so, I’ll bet the Hamas audience is totally confused by the ending.  “What gives?  The politician hides behind baby so the enemy doesn’t kill him. (tapping his forehead) This is smart.  And HE’s the bad guy?”     

Okay, let me end with two quick good news items.

First, DeSantis continues to be a principled conservative boss!  His answers to Hamas questions were pitch perfect.  When asked if we should import Gazans to the US as refugees, he said no, in the most anti-RINO of terms.  “If you look at how they behave, not all of them are Hamas, but they are all anti-Semitic, none of them believe in Israel’s right to exist.  None of the Arab states are willing to take any of them.  The Arab states should be taking them…”  Fact check true!

He also chartered a flight that brought Floridians in Israel home, and welcomed them at the airport.  Earlier in the week he also rightly called out Trump’s foolish and petty criticism of Netanyahu at this crucial time.  (I’m going to write more about that later, because that was the worst of Trump, and we really need him to be better.)    

Finally, I loved CO’s posting of the story about Israel’s heroic K-9 unit that helped rescue some Jews and kill some terrorists.  I hadn’t seen that story, but it doesn’t surprise me. 

Knowing that Islam teaches that dogs are filthy animals – and as I said in reply to CO’s post, it takes one to know one, you Hamas creeps! – makes it especially satisfying to think of those dogs tearing up some brave Hamas baby-killers before the IDF finished them off. 

This story is more proof of something I wrote a few columns back: there is no such thing as a bad dog, only bad owners.  The Nazis misused German shepherds to patrol the death camps.  Joe Biden’s horrible parenting allowed Major and Commander to turn into secret-service-attacking bad boys. 

But in the hands of the IDF, German shepherds are the best of very Good Boys!

One more sweet irony: 80 years ago, Nazis were using German shepherds to torment Jews.  But this week, Jews were using German shepherds to bring some canine justice to the modern einsatzgruppen.

More please!

Hamas delenda est!

As a card-carrying cautious optimist, I’m trying to seek out whatever tiny slivers of a silver lining that I can find in the aftermath of the horrific Hamas attack.

An obvious one is seeing the big brave leaders of Hamas all hiding in their mommy’s basements and begging for the “international community” (bah!) to save them.  Within 4 days they went from beating their chests to peeing their robes, as the realization sets in that it may be a little tougher to face the Israeli military than it was to slaughter toddlers, oldsters and hipsters at a rave.

I hope that they’re all losing sleep and having a Yamamoto moment: “we’ve awakened a sleeping giant and filled him with a terrible resolve.”

A second silver lining is seeing blocks and blocks of Hamas infrastructure in Gaza being turned to rubble.  That one causes mixed emotions, since I know that many kids are going to be suffering there because of the evil actions of their unspeakably terrible parents.  But that’s inevitable: when horrible people do horrible things, their kids end up paying a horrible price.

Still, I’d like to get some “before” and “after” pics of the streets where rabid packs of jihadis were celebrating their cowardly crimes last Saturday and Sunday.  I’d especially like to see the street where those freaks drove slowly along with the half-naked corpse of an Israeli woman in the back of a truck, with males (I won’t call them “men”) spitting on her. 

I hope that that street today is nothing but rubble.   And I hope that some of those spitters are partially beneath that rubble, and that their saliva has been replaced by concrete dust, and that they are slowly choking to death on it.

Okay, I got a little off track there.  Let me try again. 

Let’s see… cautious optimist… silver lining….

Oh, I got one!  In America and abroad, the liars and the congenitally stupid have been revealing themselves in the aftermath of last weekend, and that’s useful.  Too many among us have not recognized their true, vile nature, but they couldn’t help showing it to us this week.   

All of the creepy anti-semitic student groups at Harvard went full Toobin, releasing a statement that solely blamed Israel (!) for the jihadicide on Saturday.  And now many rich guys and influential employers are seeking out lists of everybody in those groups, so they can be sure not to hire them.   Great!

The Democratic Socialists of America did the same, and a bunch of room-temp-IQ lefties are shocked – Shocked, they tells ya! – that they’ve been rubbing elbows with bigoted genocide enthusiasts. 

My favorite was Sarah Silverman, the potty-mouthed and middling comedian who is dumb enough to admit that she was “a proud lifetime member” of the DSA and that she is still a democratic socialist, but smart enough to say, “[Friend] you and goodbye forever!” to the DSA.   

It’s a start, I guess.   

BLM has demonstrated their true colors (you’ll pardon the expression) once again, by claiming to recognize “clear parallels between Black and Palestinian (sic) people.” 

To any sane black person, those should be fighting words, and a grave insult.  But these morons are the same racist, anti-Semitic haters that they’ve always been.  The blackness of their skin means nothing; the blackness of their hearts means everything.

Of course the members of the Squad have covered themselves in glory, too.  I loved watching Rashida Tlaib run from a reporter asking if she had any comment about Hamas terrorists murdering babies.  She wouldn’t comment about that, or about whether she has any second thoughts about the “Palestinian” flag at the door of her congressional office.

I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but Tlaib is as ugly on the inside as she is on the outside. 

By the way, hat-tip to the Babylon Bee for two big stories it just broke:

1. Rashida Tlaib’s “Palestinian” flag just threw her Rainbow LGBTQ+ flag off the roof of the Capitol building, (HA!)  and

2. A GoFundMe account has already raised $5 million to send the Squad to Gaza.  (That’s a cause so worthy that I might even approve of tax dollars being used for it.) 

Any silver linings aside, though, the most maddeningly stupid argument that the left has – and that we’ll surely be hearing more of in the coming weeks – is the accusation that Israel’s retaliation is morally equivalent to Hamas’ initial Satanic attack. 

Two old sayings sum up the moral gulf between Israel and its jihadi opponents:

“If the ‘Palestinians’ put down their guns today, tomorrow there would be no more war.  If the Israelis put down their guns today, tomorrow there would be no more Israel.”

And, in reference to the Hamas practice of using their own civilians and children as human shields:

“Israel uses missiles to protect their children, and ‘Palestinians’ use children to protect their missiles.” 

The difference couldn’t be more stark; there is NO moral equivalence between terrorists and their supporters on one side, and Israel on the other. 

Even in the far less fraught situation of a plain old physical fight, did none of these morons have fathers who taught them the basic rules of fights?

Sure, I was raised in the Midwest in the late 1800s.  But by the time I went to school, I knew that while I wasn’t supposed to start a fight, if someone else threw the first punch, I was supposed to do my level best to throw the last one. 

If you visited my town and saw some bully punch someone on the playground, and when his victim hit him back you had run up and lectured the second kid about how wrong he was to hit back, my entire community would have looked at you like you’d lost your freaking mind. 

But the jackholes at Harvard – and Dearborn and Sydney and London and MSNBC and CNN and many in the Democrat party – don’t know what the fathers in every small town used to teach their sons by the time they were 5 years old. 

But I don’t think those idiots are too old to learn that lesson.  I’d love to see a few working-class males go to a leftist genocide rally, listen to one chorus of “From the river to the sea, Palestine shall be free,” and then walk up to bullhorn boy and spend about three minutes pummeling him.  Just beat him like a rented mule, and finish the lesson by jamming the bullhorn in an orifice it isn’t intended for. 

And when the crowd started screaming in outrage, the puncher could just hold up his hands and say, “Whoa, whoa!  I call for an immediate ceasefire.  This is the time for de-escalation.  Hitting me would be the moral equivalent of me hitting him, and I know that we all agree that that is NEVER permissible.   Now I’m going to grab a child – or a female with the least body odor in this herd of unfriendables – and hide behind her, and if any of you so much as give me some side-eye, I’m calling the cops and the EU forthwith!”

Even if I hadn’t had a great dad, I grew up in America, and I know how we’d react if we were in Israel’s position.  If we had a border wall (and we freaking should!) and Mexico sent hordes of terrorists through that wall to rape, murder and kidnap our citizens, or fired rockets into our cities, how would we respond?

I refer you to a couple of former trouble spots called Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  

Mexico already has a Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead), but we’d introduce them to a new holiday called “Semana de los Muertos” (Week of the Dead), followed closely by “Mes de Combustion Ardiente” (Month of Smoldering), and then by “Siglo de Mexicanos Muy Dociles” (Century of Very Docile Mexicans).

In Florida, whenever we have a hurricane, we put plywood over our windows with spray paint saying, “You loot, we shoot!”  And our governor (Man, I hope he is someday president!) and law enforcement supports us.  

That’s right: we will shoot your worthless arse after bad weather events.  And if you don’t go down at first – sometimes even if you do – we’ll shoot you a lot!  And then we’ll let our canines play “fetch the looter ankle bone.” 

If we do that to opportunistic thieves, what do you think we’d do to cowardly micro-phallused Hamas terrorists after what they did last weekend?  (Hint: Cassie the Wonder Dog would have scraps of hang-glider and keffiyeh in her stool for a week!)

Okay, that’s it folks. That’s the closest I can get to a happy, “Keep on the Sunny Side” type of column today.  Have a good weekend, pray for Israel, and remember…

Hamas delenda est!

In my usual Monday column, I try to help start your week with a few laughs by mocking our national political idiots, but I can’t do that this morning.  Like most of you, I’ve spent the last couple of days watching the disgusting, cowardly attacks on Israel by cruel terrorists, and I’ve been vacillating between being heartsick and furious. 

And right now, furious is out in front by a long stretch.   

So since it’s too soon for me to put together a carefully constructed column, I hope you’ll forgive a more disjointed attempt to collect some of the thoughts that have been running through my head this weekend.

The hardest part of my Christian faith has always been the idea of turning the other cheek.  In my more contemplative moments I can see the wisdom of forgiving those who sin against us, and I admire some believers who are pacifist.  I’m glad that Christ is loving and merciful, because I need forgiveness and mercy on a depressingly frequent basis.

But I also believe that there is such a thing as righteous anger, and a responsibility to be violent in defense of the innocent and against those who initiate violence.  The Old Testament “eye for an eye” has always resonated strongly with me.  (In fact, I’m glad that for the Jews, the Old Testament is their ONLY testament.  In the coming days, I wish them good hunting and good, old-fashioned smiting of evildoers.)

I know that over the centuries, the Church has debated the justification of the death penalty, and the context for what constitutes casus belli, and it is that ethical framework that underlies our modern conceptions of war crimes and the sanctions provided by the Geneva Conventions.   

And when terrorists like Hamas violate all moral standards – engaging in terrorism, targeting civilians and non-combatants, murdering captives, not wearing uniforms that mark them as legitimate combatants – they are clearly not entitled to any benefits or consideration of Geneva or any other rules of war.

Along those lines, I’ve always loved the sniper character Private Jackson (played by Barry Pepper) in Saving Private Ryan, because I think he embodied a righteous man in war time.  Early on he wryly says, “Well, it seems to me, sir, that God gave me a special gift, made me a fine instrument of warfare.” 

And as he uses his sniper rifle to shoot the enemy and protect his squad, he recites parts of Psalms: “Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.  My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust.”

I’m not one of those believers who claims to know the mind of God, but my best guess is that He would be pleased with that attitude. 

Very rarely does history provide examples of wars in which virtue is almost all on one side.  Many wars are like the Iran-Iraq war in the 1980s – bad actors on both sides, fighting for bad reasons, and with routine atrocities on both sides.  In such cases, the wise course for non-involved countries is probably what happened then: a pox on both sides, and stand aside and allow them to keep killing each other. 

Also fairly common is the 60/40 moral mix of most wars.  Examples might be a lot of tribal wars where two aggressive groups clash, or the wars of late Rome vs various Gauls, Franks and Germanic barbarians.  In such cases, both societies are deeply flawed, aggressive and exploitative, etc., but one is usually more in the wrong, if only because they started the war.

Most modern wars also fit this pattern.  The czars of Russia were oppressive, but the communists were much worse.  Pre-Castro Cuba was corrupt, but Castro out-did them.  The Shah of Iran was bad, and his secret police the Savak were brutal, and rightly deserved their comeuppance.  But the weird-beard Ayatollah and his murderous followers were much worse; the numbers they slaughtered in their first months in power far exceeded the victims of the Savak over many years.

But Israel vs. its jihadist, genocidal neighbors is the rare exception.  Yes, Israel is full of humans, and thus sinful in the way all humans and nations are.  But the fashionable leftist insistence that both sides are morally equivalent (or often, that the jihadists are morally superior!) is a damnable lie.

Israel is a democracy and has allowed many Muslims to co-exist with full civil rights in their country.  There are Arabs in their Knesset.  Meanwhile, as Muslim control grew in every Arab country, Jews were increasingly persecuted and killed until the survivors were forced to flee.  Needless to say, there are no authentic democracies amongst Israel’s neighbors, and no Jews on any of their governing councils.

The Muslim countries all have drastically failed the “how’s that working out for you” test.  Beirut was once known as the Paris of the Middle East before civil war broke out in 1975.   Many Arab countries’ women had human rights, including the chance to go out in public while not smothered in a beekeeper outfit.  Their economies were not first-world, but neither were they the dregs of the third world.  Homicidal religion and brutal repression have ruined all of that.

Meanwhile, Israel has been thriving economically, culturally and technologically.  Israelis have more civil rights and freedom than their neighbors, and they’ve created a wealthier and more successful society.  Israelis earn a disproportionate share of patents, Nobels prizes, etc.  (Ironically,  Hitler was defeated in part because the Jews he’d driven out had an outsized role in developing the advanced weapons that eventually kicked his socialist arse.) 

Israel’s modern re-birth was controversial, and when five neighboring countries immediately attacked them, they met violence with violence.  Since then, Israel doesn’t start wars, and when they’re forced into them, they fight much more humanely.  They avoid civilian casualties as much as they can, in sharp contrast to their enemies, who target civilians, and use their own civilians as human shields. 

After Saturday, here’s the least our country can do: immediately stop every dime of aid going to any country who contributes to attacks on Israel in any way.  (Biden should be raked over the coals for having restored aid to “Palestine” that Trump had cut off!)  We should do our best to break and immiserate the Palestinian Authority and Hamas: no trade, no medical aid, nothing.  

We should also immediately slap every possible sanction on Iran, and give Israel any help we can in bombing their nuke facilities, which shouldn’t exist in the first place. 

Two of the saddest things about this tragic attack is that too many people in America and the West are stupid or malicious enough to support the “Palestinians,” and that the majority in Gaza fully support this barbarism.

We should make a full-throated moral case against the “stand-down” appeasement chorus in our own country, and in Europe.  Already at least 57 student groups at Harvard have signed on to a joint statement that begins, “We, the undersigned student organizations, hold the Israeli regime entirely responsible for all unfolding violence…” 

In a sane world, we’d immediately expel every one of those idiots, and deport those who aren’t US citizens. (I’d like to think that many of them are foreigners, but I’ve seen enough of our education system to know that that’s probably not true.)  We would also force all American politicians from mayors on up through Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar to take a position on this issue, and if they were honest enough to defend their vicious co-religionists, that should make them toxic to most American voters.  (Sadly, not all.)

In the meantime, any companies who have Harvard grads showing up for job interviews should find out if they signed on to that Nazi joint statement, and then blackball them.

One of the worst things about wars is the civilian casualties, but in this case, a disgustingly high proportion of “civilians” in Gaza are going to deserve what they get.  The stats that were posted here on the frighteningly high proportion of Muslims worldwide who approve of jihad and sharia (and all of the gay-stoning, honor-killing, and infidel-exterminating that goes with it) are well established.

And that societal sickness has been on full display for the last 48 hours.  All over the world, Muslims have been celebrating in the streets, just as many did on 9/11.  Not all Muslims (of course), but it’s a huge red flag that entire Muslim communities are doing nothing to stop the ghouls in the streets, including in Western nations where they cannot be said to fear the jihadi governments’ reactions if they went out and opposed the savage celebrators. 

And look at the streets of Gaza, packed with jubilant a-holes, chanting “Allahu Akbar” and spitting on the naked corpse of a defenseless woman the brave, armed jihadis had beaten and then murdered.  When I saw that footage, I found myself fantasizing about a squadron of A-10 “Warthogs” circling the city.  (For those of you who don’t follow military aviation, the A-10 is an ugly, nearly indestructible ground-support warplane that is basically a flying platform for the biggest Gatling gun cannon ever.  Instead of a plane with a gun, it’s a gun with wings!) 

I imagine the first Warthog pilot starting his strafing run down that street, and I’d love to see the faces of those cowardly scumbags as they stopped dancing around that poor woman’s broken body and looked up to see the first of a line of 30 mm shells tearing up the street toward them. 

Ugh.  This weekend has not brought out the best in me.  And I know that Israel is going to face terrible choices, including how to kill all the terrorists who badly need killing, while they are holding Israeli hostages and hiding behind women and children. 

But we know that what we have been doing – restraining Israel, giving aid to jihadist governments and tolerating jihadi-sympathizers in our midst – has brought us to where we are today.  

The moral equivalence argument is not just wrong, and it’s not just naïve.  It’s evil.   As a very old book says, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.”  The Israelis know that book well, and they know the Psalms of David, too. 

I hope that the Mossad and IDF have done their homework, and know the identities of everybody in Hamas who ranks higher than the foot soldiers.  And I hope they end up killing all of those evil people, in big bunches and individually.  And after that, start on the foot soldiers. 

And all the while, before and during every attack, I hope they’ve got these words on their lips: “Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight…”

Hamas delenda est! 

Regular readers know that I’m usually a happy warrior type, with a glint in my eye, a smile on my face, pep in my step, and junk in my trunk.

Well no, not that last one.  (I’m no AOC.) I got carried away there.  Just the other ones.

But is it just me, or is almost everything about our politics today just freaking exhausting?  Everywhere I look I see either morons, or reasonably smart people hell-bent on doing moronic things.

If it wasn’t for my unrelenting commitment to excellence in snarkery, I’d be too exhausted to even give you examples.  But here goes. 

I already mentioned that Joe Biden (RIP) couldn’t get the name “LL Cool J” right in a public speech last week.  But I think I buried the lede there, because what is the “president” of the United States doing discussing LL Cool J in a public speech, anyway? 

Well, he was presenting some kind of award that the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation gives out based on skin color and leftist ideology.  So you know THAT wasn’t a huge time waster.

But before he even got to mangling the rap name of Ladies Love Cool James, Biden said something even dumber.

Side bar: Yeah, that’s what “LL Cool J” stands for.  And I’m embarrassed to admit that I did know that without looking it up.  Which means that I’ve been storing one less Bible verse or Shakespearian couplet or Thomas Sowell quote in my crystal brain than I could have, because one neural connection was reserved for that idiotic LL Cool J fact.     

Now let’s never speak of this again.

Anyway, Biden introduced his presentation with the following sentence, which I am not making up:   “Two of the great artists of our time representing the groundbreaking legacy of hiphop in America…”

That sentence fragment is already all kinds of wrong.  The idea that hiphop in America has created a “groundbreaking legacy” is more than a stretch.  But the further idea that the mortal remains of Joe Biden knows anything about hiphop is even more far-fetched. 

(And you’ll never convince me that as he mumbled his way through rehearsals with the teleprompter Biden didn’t refer to hiphop as “flipflop,” “slipslop,” or “cornpop” at least once each.) 

And calling LL Cool J a “great artist?”  C’mon, man.

I mean, I like “Goin’ Back to Cali” as much as the next guy.  

Or, as Joey Gaffes calls it, “Camelback to Mali”… er… I mean,“Back Pack to Maui.”  No… anyway… you know the thing.”  (And don’t get him started on, “Mama Said I’ve Got Gout!”)

[Long, loooonnnggg pause.]  Anyway…

That was the Biden impression I’ve been working on.  It’s better with the visuals, when I let that word die off in a sad, air-coming-out-of-a-deflating-tire kind of wheeze, then turn and shake hands with someone who isn’t there, trip over a sandbag, and fall down a short flight of stairs like a desiccated, octogenarian human slinky.

And, scene.

Or take New York Democrat Congressman Jamaal Bowman.  Please.  (Spoiler alert: the extra “a” in his first name does not stand for “awesome.”)

If you haven’t watched the news for a week, you’re probably asking, “Martin, who is this idiot?”  (By the way, if I were ever to write a regular column focused just on analyzing members of congress, the title of that column would definitely be, “Who is This Idiot?”)

Well, Bowman is the latest in a long line of “Stupid or Liar” contestants from congress.  Because when the Democrats were trying to delay a House vote, he pulled a fire alarm in a government building. Then – imagine his surprise! – a fire alarm went off. 

He obviously didn’t know that there are cameras in the building.  Brilliant!  (Though in his defense, there apparently aren’t any cameras in the White House to catch random presidential offspring when they litter the West Wing with bags of cocaine, so who knew?)

He then tried to claim that he was trying to get through an emergency door to get to the House floor faster.  (In his defense, if the sprinkler system had gone off, he could have built up speed and then flopped onto his belly on the marble floor, using it like a huge slip ‘n’ slide to launch him into the voting area.)

He was finally reduced to arguing that he didn’t know how fire alarms, or doors, or congressional votes work.  (In his defense… Nope. I’m out.  I’ve got nothing.)

Ooh, except that he’s a lying moron.  Great job, voters of New York!

But sadly, it’s not just leftists whose shenanigans are exhausting me.  Because a small group of House Rs — seeing that Biden is flailing around with historically horrific poll numbers, and knowing the old saw that “when your opponent is hurting himself, don’t interrupt him” – said, “Hey, let us interrupt Biden and get the focus off of him, by throwing out our Speaker!”

I can’t claim to closely follow the daily machinations of the House, mostly because life is too short to seek out things that you know are going to irritate you. 

But I thought that McCarthy did a reasonably good job, considering the fractious GOP and the slim majority he had to work with.  He did more conservative things than I first expected him to do, and he’s been much better than other GOP house speakers in the last several decades.

I know: saying that someone is more effectively conservative than Paul Ryan and Weepy John Boehner is like saying a woman is the most attractive Democrat in the House. 

(Yes, we get it AOC: you’ve got a juicy booty – your words, not mine – which makes you the uncontested winner on your side.  But you’ve edged out gals like Maxine Waters, Rashida Tlaib, and Imhotep Pelosi.  So… congratulations?)

But my sense is that McCarthy played a weak hand reasonably well; with the Senate under Dem control, and the White House in the cold, dead hands of Joey Gaffes, no slightly GOP House was going to ram through any significantly conservative legislation into law.  And I generally agree with the pragmatic approach of using the leverage you have to achieve the limited possible gains, under the theory that half a loaf is better than none.

(On the other hand, I hate the constant feeling that we’re always settling for half a loaf, while Dems with less public opinion behind them either get the whole loaf, or drop down to getting 90% of a loaf!)  

Re: Matt Gaetz, some of his fights in the past have yielded good results, as when he was part of the conservative caucus that made McCarthy accede to some specific demands to get the gavel.  (That McCarthy was the worst of McCarthy, because it appeared that he wanted the job with as little deference paid to the conservative wing as possible.  Which we should all resist!)

On the other hand, the fact that Gaetz sided with Dems to take down McCarthy without any apparent plan for a candidate to replace him seems short-sighted, to say the least. (The fact that the 8 Rs voted with over 200 Dems and against over 200 Rs – giving the Dems what they wanted – is also a prima facie red flag to me!)   

But I do love that McCarthy’s first move after being ousted was to kick Pelosi and Steny Hoyer out of their “courtesy” offices.  That was sweet, as was watching several MSM figures whining about it.  And I guess if we end up with a more conservative and successful speaker – Jim Jordan is my favorite candidate so far – it might all work out. 

But I’m not a big Gaetz fan at this point.  His move against McCarthy seems motivated more by personal animus than conservative principle, and I’m getting more than enough of that kind of petty sniping from our presidential contest right now.

Speaking of which, did Trump really need to slam Nikki Haley as a “bird brain?” 

I don’t really have a dog in this fight, because I’m not supporting Haley in the primaries.   But she’s a reasonable GOP candidate (though as every candidate in decades except for DeSantis, she’s not nearly conservative enough for me), did a reasonable job when Trump picked her as ambassador, and I would gladly vote for her against Biden or any Dem. 

That being said, is anybody on our side still just loving the 5^th grade insults?   

If it’s too much to ask for Trump to aim less vitriol at GOP figures than he does at the far-left Dem figures who are destroying our nation, can he at least refrain from insulting the intelligence and character of people whom HE APPOINTED!  OH! OHHHH!

Sorry, I instinctively slipped into Sam Kinison mode there for a moment. 

But seriously, does Trump not realize that every time he calls another of his own chosen appointees a dimwitted, evil loser he hurts his chances in the general?  When he trumpets that he picked a lousy VP running mate, terrible cabinet members, awful governors, several worthless attorney generals – etc. and etc. – there are only three ways to evaluate those claims:  

1. Those appointees all had some kind of split-personality psychoses, so that they were Dr. Jekyll when Trump picked them, but then immediately became Mr. Hyde,

2. Trump has worse judgment than the Bud Light PR team, or

3. He is attacking them now out of personal pique rather than conservative principle.

I think most people would probably choose #3 as the most likely option on that list, but none of them are a good look. In fact, choice 3 might be the most damaging to Trump’s prospects, given his repeated insistence that he values loyalty above all else.  

And as I’ve said before on that score, I hope that he’ll raise funds – and use some of his own – to pay for the legal defense of his co-defendants in GA and elsewhere, as well as the J6 defendants who have been victimized by Biden’s corrupt DOJ.

Again, I don’t like criticizing Trump like this, and I know I’m probably angering many of the valued members of CO nation.  But we all owe it to each other to tell the truth, and to call out anyone on our side who is behaving in ways that we think is going to hurt their prospects and our cause. 

And it’s worth remembering that our side is producing the kind of success in red states that is causing people to flee here from the leftist blue states.

Or as Joe Biden would put it, quoting that great artist LL MNOP Cool JD Vance…

“Goin’ back to Cali?  I don’t think so!”

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Jamaal “Four-Alarm” Bowman, 2024!

Update: I’ve posted a second monthly video (which you can find at “Videos” on my site, Martinsimpsonwriting.com), this one about my thoughts on the Canadian school that removed all books written before 2008 from their library.  (Spoiler alert: I’m agin’ it!)  Let me know what you think.

October always puts me in a good mood, but this month should be especially good. 

My daughter is coming in from Denver for a visit this week, and it will be great to see her.  (She’s a social butterfly type, with almost too many friends, and even though she’s been in what seems like half a dozen weddings in the last year, she’s going to be in another one this weekend.) 

Our Victorian house is also near completion after it partially burned last year, and is officially going to be re-rented this month.  I’m going to post some pics of it on my site, for those of you who are interested. 

I also hope to travel up north and see some family and some changing leaves this month.

In the meantime, I’m trying to cut down on the negativity in my life, which means that I’m getting more selective about what media I’m consuming. 

So if you tell me that Trump has denigrated pro-lifers and thinks fetal-heartbeat bans are terrible, I won’t know what you’re talking about.  And if you try to engage me in conversation about how GOP senators and congressmen are fighting about continuing resolutions or mutinies within the party, I will just give you a blank stare. 

And if you ask me anything about the Chicago Bears’ or Florida Gators’ football seasons, I will put my fingers in my ears and sing Tom Petty’s “Listen to Her Heart” at the top of my lungs (“You think you’re gonna take her away, with your money and your cocaine!”) until you go away. 

On the other hand, the stupidity and misfortune of leftists is that which gives me joy.  (If any of you got that obscure and tenuous reference to Robert DeNiro as Al Capone in the baseball bat scene in the Untouchables, you are officially all right in my book.)  So let’s take a quick whip-round of the latest in leftist ignominy from the past week.

First up, it looks like slimy Dem Senator Bob Menendez (D-whatta you lookin’ at?) is as corrupt as EWFE (Everyone With Functioning Eyes) always knew he was.  But when he was finally charged with a Hunter-esque boatload of felonies this week, all of the national Dems were shocked – Shocked, I tells ya! – to learn that the guy with ten large in every pocket of every monogrammed smoking jacket in his closet was a crook. 

How were they to know that a guy who drives a Mercedes given to him by a bunch of guys who look like they came from a casting call from The Sopranos and a documentary about the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood, and who paid for his wife’s designer clothes with gold bars might not be tickety-boo, ethics-wise?

Now all the shady Dems are pressuring Bent Bob to resign, so that they won’t have to worry about him potentially losing a Dem senate seat next year. 

But I stand with you, Bob Menendez!  You are the archetypal representative of the Democrat party, and the perfect embodiment of Bidenomics.  You’re better than those shameless hacks who are trying to shame you into stepping down, so keep fighting the good fight!

Speaking of corrupt leftists who are about to get what’s coming to them, you should all know the name Scott Ziegler, but because of the malicious and biased hacks in our MSM, few people do.

Ziegler was the Loudon County Public Schools Superintendent, and he was a key figure in educrat bullying of parents and covering up the high-profile trans-rapes that helped Glenn Youngkin win the VA governor’s race.  In January Ziegler is going to be tried for falsely denying in a school board meeting that there had been any sexual assaults in school bathrooms. 

But last week he was convicted on several charges that stemmed from a different crime, this one his retaliatory firing of teacher Erin Brooks, a special ed teacher of the year who testified to a grand jury about “an unrelated mishandling of sexual assault by school administrators.”

You can find the details at the Daily Wire, but I’ll just mention a few that jumped out at me.  Ziegler accused Brooks of giving private (but true) information to a conservative activist (which it turns out she didn’t do), and of giving private information to a grand jury.  But since she’d been subpoenaed to testify to the grand jury, it was obviously illegal for Ziegler to fire her for truthfully doing so.

Brooks had reported a mentally-disabled student who was routinely grabbing Brooks’ and her female TA’s genitals during class.  The administrators’ response – and I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to – was “to give [the women] a piece of cardboard called ‘no-no hands’” that they were to hold in front of their groins.

I know what you’re thinking: problem solved! 

But not so fast, because the educrat brain trust also offered a Plan B, in the form of dog groomer aprons to wear to – again, not making this up! – “slow down penetration.”

One other weird detail: the story said that Ziegler didn’t testify at his trial (Duh!), but did note that in court he wore earrings and nail polish.  (Which might possibly provide a tiny clue as to why he was so enthusiastic about allowing sexually confused males into female bathrooms where they could rape grade schoolers.)

Tragically, Ziegler is only facing up to 12 months in jail and a $2500 fine for his cartoonishly villainous actions.  (Meanwhile, Midwestern grandparents with no criminal records who were invited by police to walk through the Capitol building for 10 minutes on January 6^th are doing years of hard time.)   

If I know our justice system, Ziegler won’t do much prison time, but I sure hope that he does at least some.  And I hope that when he goes in, he’s wearing earrings and lipstick.  And I will happily start a Gofundme to buy him a dog groomer apron. 

Hell, I’ll even throw in a cardboard “no-no hands” to help him out.   

Finally, last Thursday night as I was writing a column with a joke about Dianne Feinstein making Joe Biden look energetic and almost lifelike in comparison, she had actually just died.  So, too soon, I guess.  But also, that joke holds up.

Anyway, it fell to Ken-Doll Newsom to appoint her temporary replacement, and he had quite a field of crapulent leftist candidates from which to choose.  Katie Porter is thoroughly unlikeable and creepy, but so is congenital liar Adam Schiff (D-bag), and aging racial arsonist Barbara Lee.  Newsom had already promised to choose a woman of color if the seat came open.

(Don’t get excited Liz Warren, because “translucent” isn’t technically a color, and you’re already a terrible senator.)  (#wemustneverstopmockingher). 

And by the way, don’t you love it when leftist pols are transparent with their affirmative action identity-hire intentions?   Stating that that’s what they’re doing necessarily means that they aren’t searching for the best possible candidate.

Take a hypothetical example:  DeSantis is our next president (I can still dream for a little while longer!) and a SCOTUS seat comes open.  He announces that he hasn’t looked at any candidates yet, but he’s going to fill it with a middle-aged straight white male Appalachian-American hilarious genius with excellent taste in literature and music, a smoke-show wife, two top-shelf daughters, a Wonder Dog, and sexual charisma that just won’t quit. 

Obviously the entire country would have to hold its breath and pray that Martin Simpson knows something about constitutional law.   And that’s no way to choose someone.

But when Ken Doll is doing the choosing, he compounds the problem because his political preferences are wrong-headed in the extreme.  By saying that his choice is going to be a black woman he follows in the stumbling footsteps of the late Joe Biden when he said he would consider only black female candidates for SCOTUS.  (Hence we get two of the most historically banal and poorly-thought-out opinions in just the first year of Ketanji Brown-Jackson’s time on the high court.)

But Newsom outdid himself with his choice of Laphonza Butler.  Because despite her goofy name – she’s the opposite of the Fonz, who as everybody knows, was very cool – she has the kind of nightmarish resume that suggests she may have been built in a lab dedicated to producing the perfect far-left candidate.

Like the Wuhan Virology Lab, only far more destructive.

Butler checks the required identity boxes; not only is she black and female, she’s also a lesbian!  So if a crucial bill involving BLM and women’s softball coaches hits the Senate floor, she’ll be the go-to subject matter expert.  (And no, I haven’t forgotten about Karine Jean-Pierre.  She’s also a horribly incompetent identity-hire three-fer, but she’s not in the Senate.)

Butler also used to be a union leader in the SEIU, but when that proved to not be soul-sucking enough, she moved on to become the leader of Emily’s List, an extreme pro-abortion fund-raising collective.  But even with those terrible jobs, she was a bit of a “Laphonza of all Trades,” because she still found time to be – and I am not making this up – “a Democratic strategist and adviser to Kamala Harris’ 2020 presidential campaign.”         

Ah yes, the sterling campaign that ended up in Que Mala not even making it to the California primary, having spectacularly crashed and burned early on, leaving nothing but a charred political bomb-crater filled with broken Venn diagrams, smoking yellow school buses and a slurry of word salad that had to be disposed of by workers in Hazmat suits. 

Great job, you Patrick-Bateman-looking empty haircut of a CA governor!

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ “Bullion Bob” Menendez, 2024!

I recorded the GOP debate last night, but haven’t been able to make myself watch it yet.  Lately I’ve taken to waiting to see the coverage and the excerpts the next day, mostly because the entire process is painful for me to watch, since I find the current state of the race to be so dispiriting.   

I still haven’t completely given up on DeSantis, because I’m a hopeless political romantic, and for decades I’ve dreamed of having a disciplined and consistently principled conservative presidential candidate to support, rather than having to settle for the least objectionable option.  (Ironically, my vote for Trump in 2020 was the happiest one I’d ever cast.)   

I know that if/when the day comes that RDS is mathematically eliminated (I know: that day may have already come), I’m going to mourn the lost opportunity of having DeSantis do for the US what he’s done for Florida.

At that point, I’ll at least be able to enjoy his excellent conservative governance of Florida for the remainder of his second term, and hope that five years from now, as Trump is preparing to leave the scene – hopefully after a successful second term – DeSantis will still be a viable option for a future presidency.  

But I fear that the maddening, dishonest leftist attacks on him from both Trump and the left may have rendered him toxic in the future.  Which will be a real shame.

Turning to the Dem side of things… Yikes!  Just when you think Biden cannot deteriorate any more obviously, he seemingly walks into a demented political version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch: 

Everyone With Functioning Eyes (EWFE):  This guy is dead 

Rachel Maddow:  No, no, he’s just resting.  Look.

EWFE:  We know what a dead guy looks like, and we’re looking at one now.

Jake Tapper:  No, he’s resting.  He’s a great president, ol’ Blue Collar Joe.

EWFE: He’s stone dead.

KJP (jabbing Biden, making his head flop to one side): There, he moved!

EWFE:  No he didn’t, that was just you jabbing at him!

KJP:  No it wasn’t.  I mean, he’s got a great Bidenomics plan, and he’s hard at work promoting it.

EWFE:  He’s not hard at work.  That’s rigor mortis.

KJP: Nonsense.  You should see him on the trail, none of us can even keep up with him.

EWFE:  Francisco Franco could keep up with him!  He’s as dead as Julius Caes–  (Biden slowly pitches to one side and falls flat on his face.)

EWFE (pointing to Biden’s prone body): What do you call that, then?

KJP: There was a sandbag in his way. 

EWFE: A sandbag?!  Then why doesn’t he get up?

KJP: He’s just pining for Scranton. 

EWFE: He’s not pining!  He’s passed on.  This president is no more.   He has ceased to be.  He’s shuffled off this mortal coil. 

Joy Behar:  No way.  He’s doing a great job.  The economy is coming back.

EWFE: You know what’s not coming back?  Him!  He’s joined the choir invisible.  We demand a living, replacement president.

KJP: I can see if we’ve got another Bid—

EWFE: NOT HUNTER!!  Or Jill, or Jim.

KJP: Okay.  (looking around her in a panic, when her gaze falls on Que Mala)  I’ve got a slug.

EWFE:  A slug?  (Que Mala breaks out in a crazy cackle that raises the hair on the back of your neck.)  Can she talk?

KJP: Not really. 

And, scene.

Seriously, Biden is frightening everyone.  They’ve had him start using the short stairs at the back of the plane, and he still almost fell on his way down.  He’s telling the same stories multiple times in the same short speech.  And he couldn’t properly introduce the 55-year-old rapper LL Cool J without screwing up his name. 

“But Martin,” you are probably asking, “how do you screw up a name that consists of a one-syllable word and three simple letters?” 

I know, it’s hard to believe.  But he called him “LL J Cool J.”  And then he called the adult black guy “boy.”  Ouch!

On the other hand, are we really surprised?  I mean, we all know about Biden’s youthful rival on the mean streets of Pennsylvania, Cornelius Popovich.  Except that when Biden talks about that guy, the closest he can get is “Corn Pop.”  (True story.  And guess what? That Cornelius Popovich was a bad dude.)

If this keeps up, Biden might need to pick Dianne Feinstein as his VP for ’24, just to make him look energetic and lively by comparison.

My Wonder Dog Cassie insisted that I give you one more Biden story today, because she is outraged.

As you all know, dogs are man’s best friend, and I’d rather spend time with the average dog than with the average person.  (Present company here in CO nation excepted, of course.)  There’s even a famous dog-related political saying, attributed to the last Democrat president who wasn’t a grotesque disappointment, Harry Truman: “If you want a friend in Washington DC, get a dog.”

But Joe Biden couldn’t even manage to do that!  As a wise Scottish shepherd once told me (two months ago, during an incredible border collie demonstration in the highlands), there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. 

Indeed.  You remember that Biden first got a German Shepherd named Major, but he had to leave the White House after he bit at least two people.  (Oddly enough, Hunter Biden is still allowed in the White House, even though he’s bitten the behinds of at least 3 hookers that we know of.) 

So Biden got another German Shepherd, Commander, this one a puppy whom he could raise from scratch, and instruct with the same parenting skill-set that he used with Hunter.

Annnnndddd… Commander has bitten at least 11 people in 16 months.   

The latest attack was this week, when he chomped on a secret service agent like the agent was a pork chop and Commander was Whoopi Goldberg. 

Was Obama right: is there really NOTHING that Biden can’t “F” up?  I mean, German Shepherds are beautiful, loyal, intelligent animals.  And sure, when they’re owned and trained by members of a certain national socialist workers’ party, they’ve had a bit of a spotty work history.

But now as then, it’s the socialist owner, not the pooch, that’s the problem!  

I just hope that if Biden shows up next week with yet another German Shepherd – this one named Gruppenfuhrer Biden – every member of the secret service quits!

I’m Cassie’s owner, and she approves this message.      

Before I go, I’d like to send you into the weekend with two recommendations, one a documentary and one a book.

If you enjoy the music of Tom Petty – and if you don’t, c’mon, man! – I just came across a documentary called “Somewhere You Feel Free: The Making of Wildflowers,” which chronicles Petty’s creation of his favorite album in 1994.

It features a lot of behind-the-scenes footage of Petty noodling, writing and rehearsing most of the songs that made it onto the album, and a bunch of very good ones that didn’t.  I’m fascinated by the creative process, and it was cool to see him just muddling his way through normal life. 

Except that for him, “normal life” involved writing some excellent songs.  I miss that guy.

The book is C.S. Lewis’ That Hideous Strength.  It’s the third book in his science fiction trilogy, and though I didn’t much care for the first two, this one stuck in my head, and I’ve just recently re-read it.

It’s a dystopian tale of the dangers of a metastasizing, arrogant bureaucracy hell-bent on imposing an oppressive “progressive” scientism on the little people who aren’t smart enough to realize how backward their old-fashioned morality and ethical world view really is.

So, pretty much a cross between a demonic horror movie and the last couple of years of American politics. 

Lewis is always worth reading.  Though my favorites of his are The Screwtape Letters and some of his apologetics, including the clear thinking and prose of his Mere Christianity, this one is as prescient as 1984, and feels like it’s ripped from tomorrow’s headlines. 

Have a good weekend, and don’t forget…

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Commander Biden, 2024!