February 2024 – Martin Simpson

Lawfare Is Looking Shaky, & Some Military Bad-Arsery (posted 2/23/24)

I know that the worst of the elite left is cheering that the corrupt NY judge and evil Letitia DeVille have run their banana republic lawsuit scam on Trump, and he’s now on the hook for almost half a billion dollars to get it eventually overturned.

I’m so outraged and disgusted by that sham trial – and the other three! – that I can’t think straight, and I can’t add anything to the story that others here have not already said.

Except that I hope that the huge middle of the electorate – the independents, the casual and semi-apathetic voters, the RINOs and the mushy centrists – is paying enough attention and is sane enough to recognize the blatant corruption of the Dems, and punish them for it in November.

In the meantime, I wish that I had Trump’s ear, so that I could encourage him to stay focused on the important stuff. He’s already got us in the conservative base with him, and he’s got a slight lead in the polls. He just needs to remember the old political cliché: “When your opponent is decomposing before our eyes, stay out of the way.”

(I’ve paraphrased that slightly.)

For example, when the Hur report came out last week and Biden decided to stumble out and prove that he is tickety boo, mental-function-wise, he made things infinitely worse. He yelled at the clouds, insisted that of course he knows what year his son what’s-his-name died, and bragged about how he got the president of Mexico to open the Panama Canal so the Gazanians could go see the pyramids.

For the next 24 hours, the lefty establishment went to Defcon 4, insisting that the Hur report didn’t say what it said, and you didn’t see what you just saw.

A flop-sweating lineup of MSM empty heads and Democrat hacks mumbled that sure, when he’s on camera Biden’s got the gait and demeanor of Bela Lugosi on horse tranquilizers, and he speaks like Ozzy Osbourne after a Fetterman-esque stroke.

But behind closed doors, the guy cavorts around the Oval like Fred Astaire at the height of his powers! When he talks foreign policy, it’s like Benjamin Disraeli and Metternich had a baby. And his enunciation! You remember when Professor Henry Higgins was trying to teach diction to Eliza Doolittle?

It’s like that! Biden is at the top of his game, we tells ya! He stands astride the world like a modern colossus!

Trump should have pulled a giant, gilded throne up next to that media dumpster fire and roasted marshmallows over it, wearing a big Cheshire cat grin and saying nothing.

Instead, he got in front of a camera and said that he told our NATO allies that if they didn’t pay for their own defense, he’d tell Putin to do whatever he wanted to them. Then he insinuated that Nikki Haley’s husband may have left her, saying, “Where’s her husband? Where is he?”

Why?!

It doesn’t matter that he’s right about NATO’s recent under-funding of their own defense. Many dumb and uninformed people think Trump is too friendly with Putin. Of course, they’re wrong! But is it helpful to say that?

And spoiler alert: Haley’s husband is in the Army National Guard, and is deployed overseas. Which is irrelevant anyway, because you’re beating her by 30 points in her home state, and she’ll soon be out of the race. There is no reason you should even say her name again.

Especially since Biden is out there throwing up on his shoes three times a week, and the media is dying to cover ANY story other than that!

Please, Mr. President. Don’t give them any other stories. We all know that they hate your guts. Don’t make their job easier!

Now onto happier news. And there really is some.

We seem to be turning the corner on the recent trans madness, with more and more pushback against the groomers and narcissistic activists. The first of what will surely be a tidal wave of lawsuits have been filed against docs and hospitals that have done mutilating and sterilizing surgeries on kids who later realize what was done to them.

And if common sense and the Hippocratic oath hasn’t stopped the butchers yet, gigantic financial judgments against them will likely do the trick.

Even though our borders are still disastrously open, the decisions by Abbott and DeSantis to send the illegals to big blue cities and states is causing just the opening battles of blue-on-blue warfare that is going to be schadenfreude-tastic to watch. And if we can get Trump back in the White House, he’ll have a lot of support to reverse course immediately.

In fact, when it comes to fighting illegal immigration, City Journal (which I recommend to everyone) had a recent article proving how laughably wrong the leftist Cassandras were when they attacked DeSantis’ tougher immigration law SB 1718, which took effect last July.

The law invalidated driver’s licenses given to illegals by blue states, required hospitals to quantify uncompensated care given to illegals, and forced employers to use E-verify to check new hires’ legal status.

Of course the lefties tore their garments and gnashed their teeth, predicting that Florida’s workforce would plummet by at least 10%, and the economy would crater. The state Dem party chair warned that, “Ron’s ‘woke’ war will cause prices to increase on all goods and services,” and other hysterics wailed about the inflation that was sure to follow.

Annnnddddd… the opposite happened. Unexpectedly!

Florida’s economy grew by 6 % in the third quarter, the population growth since then was 2^nd in the nation, and food shortages and inflation never materialized.

I mean, other than the commonplace nationwide inflation caused by…Bidenomics!

You might think that birthday boy CO and I, as two of the state’s most influential citizens, spend a lot of time conferring on such economic issues, perhaps over expensive cigars and Kentucky’s finest bourbon.

But you’d be wrong. Because CO sent me a text last week, and it was about something far, far cooler: the recent hellfire missile strike that our military used to take out a smelly terrorist chieftain in Iraq earlier this month.

Did I mention that the missile in question was one that used six gigantic flying blades rather than the usual explosives, and that it is called “the flying ginsu”?! (I know: how can a country capable of that kind of awesomeness be losing a shipping war to a ragtag bunch of Houthi pirates?)

(You know the reason: Bidenomics!)

So the Iran-backed leader of Kataib Hezbollah, Abu Baqr as-Saadi, was riding in a car when a missile dropped onto his car, with the aforementioned flying blades being released right before impact. Thus turning his car into a convertible, right before turning as-Saadi into “a-Salad”.

Yes! The Flying Ginsu! It slices, it dices, it circumsizes and it beheads!

More please.

Finally, you probably haven’t heard about this, but a great American died at the age of 74 on February 12^th.

His name was Chuck Mawhinney, and he was the deadliest Marine sniper in Corps history, with 103 confirmed kills and another 216 probable kills during his 16 months in Vietnam.

His biggest single day was, ironically enough, Valentine’s Day of 1969. He took up a position along a river that a platoon of Viet Cong wanted to cross, and he picked off 16 of them, persuading the rest to retreat.

Nine days later, he turned 20!

According to news stories, after the war he lived quietly, working for the forest service and fathering three sons, and not even telling his wife about his sniper service. It wasn’t until a fellow Marine sniper wrote a book mentioning him in 1991 that he got his first public attention.

His obituary contains many indications of what a great man he was, starting with the fact that, “His friends, neighbors and co-workers had no idea that the soft-spoken man had killed at least 103 enemy combatants.”

(Just like the mild-mannered Kiwi I met in Europe who had urinated in Hitler’s bathtub in the Eagle’s Nest, Mawhinney was no braggart. As opposed to, say, I would be, if I had done anything anywhere near that cool. “Hey, I know you’re just doing an oil change for me. But have I mentioned that I killed several hundred commies in Vietnam? And that I pissed in Ho Chi Minh’s bathtub?”)

In what turned out to be the last year of his life, Mawhinney was approached by a writer named Jim Lindsay, who got him to agree to let Lindsay write a book about him. That book came out recently, and it’s called, “The Sniper: The Untold Story of the Marine Corps’ Greatest Marksman of All Time.”

And it is the next book that I will be reading.

“He listened to other people tell their stories,” said Lindsay. “He never told his story. Nobody knew he’d been in the war or what he’d done. He was a good man. He was a good father, a good husband and an asset to the community. He was a pretty cool cat.”

Indeed. We should all be so lucky to have an obituary like that. Plus, he killed between 103 and 319 Communist soldiers!

RIP, Charles “Chuck” Mawhinney. Semper Fi.

Also, a very happy birthday to the Founder of the Feast, our very own CO!

Also, as ever…

Hamas delenda est!

I’ve Noticed a Strange Pattern Developing (posted 2/19/24)

If you were an alien who just arrived on Earth from Venus and watched several hours of national news, you would probably ask the question, “Why are so many high-profile black women in very high-powered jobs so laughably terrible at those jobs?”

Then you would be immediately surrounded by a gaggle of MSM “journalists.” You’d probably expect them to pepper you with comments and questions such as, “Holy Schiff! You’re actually a real, live alien, aren’t you?!” and, “How did you get here from Venus, and what is the life on your planet like?” and, “Do you come in peace?”

But you’d only expect that because you’re from Venus, and have no conception of what crapulent, leftist hacks our MSM “journalists” are.

They would certainly bum rush you and start screaming comments and questions. But they’d blow right past the fact that an alien life form has appeared on earth, and get down to the really important stuff.

By which I mean they would turn red in the face (no offense Grandma Squanto) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), stamp their tiny feet, and scream accusations at you. Such as, “How dare you question any black female ever?”

or “Would you say that you’re more of a Venusian supremacist or a Venusian nationalist?”

or “Are you here to colonize earth? Because that is the kind of bigoted question we’d expect from a Venusian colonizer!”

Then they would demand that you check your green privilege, and call you a racist, and spit on you.

And if you then felt like pulling out a death ray weapon that I hope you have and blasting them all, I speak for most of us when I say, “Blast away.”

And after all that, while you and I were enjoying a bottle of bourbon while sitting beside a smoking pile of molecularly disassembled leftist hacks, I would explain how our country has succumbed to the folly of DEI and racial preferences in hiring.

Okay, perhaps I’ve already had a little bourbon, and that introduction might have gotten away from me a little bit.

So let me start again: identity politics and racial and gender preferences in hiring are terrible for everyone.

They’re obviously bad for the people who get discriminated against, and for the public or customers who are supposed to be served by people who are hired for reasons other than merit. But they’re also bad for the individuals and groups who theoretically “benefit” from them.

Let’s look at a few recent examples:

You all remember Claudine Gay. She was the history-making first black female president of Harvard. Normally, any academic wanting a job like that would have to have published at least a few highly respected books, and a stellar record of achievements as an administrator.

Gay had published zero books, and only 11 articles, all of which were boiler-plate, fashionably leftist takes on race. (Without reading them, any liberal arts prof could summarize the abstracts of all of them: “Black people good, white people bad.”)

But as MLK always said, “Judge not by the content of their curriculum vitae, but by the color of their skin.” So Claudine got the job.

Annnnddddd…

When asked whether blood-curdling calls for anti-Semitic genocide are bad in front of a national audience, she couldn’t figure out an answer.

Which made reasonable people scratch their heads, and wonder what kind of qualifications someone that dumb could possibly have to be president of Harvard.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that her paper-thin publication record is littered with many, many instances of blatant plagiarism.

Speaking of horrifically unqualified Harvard big shots, a few minutes after Gay resigned in disgrace (though her emotional pain was probably eased by being given a Harvard teaching job for $900K per year), some anonymous tipster suggested that Harvard look into the academic record of their chief diversity and inclusion office Sherri Ann Charleston.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that she plagiarized at least 40 times. Which is even more impressive when you consider that she crammed all of that fraudulence into just two documents: her dissertation, and ONE published article.

Which, it turns out was an article that her husband actually wrote, and that she just re-packaged and claimed as her own.

And it’s not just academics. You may remember Marilyn Mosby, a racial grifter who got herself elected State’s Attorney in Baltimore in 2015. She immediately started blazing a path of leftist incompetence that only added to the travails of the masochistic black Democrat community in Baltimore, who continue to elect incompetent imbeciles who “look like [them].”

She announced that her office would stop prosecuting many “lower level” crimes. You may be shocked to learn that crime in Baltimore then went up. Unexpectedly!

She also made a national name for herself by charging and prosecuting 6 cops who were connected (mostly tangentially) to the death of career criminal Freddie Gray while he was in custody and being driven to jail.

Despite several prisoners’ testimony that Gray had been intentionally banging himself around inside the police van, and no evidence that the cops had hurt him, Mosby threw the book at all 6 cops.

Annnndddddd… all 6 were acquitted.

She was tossed out in the next election, after investigators noticed that she had taken a “hardship” withdrawal from retirement funds (when she was making $250K per year), to buy multiple rental properties in Florida (each of which she claimed was going to be a second home), and lied about several issues on her loan application.

Annndddd…. last week she was convicted on three perjury and fraud charges.

Which brings us to Fani “what ‘chu talkin’ bout” Willis, who showed her fanny and got bitten on it in a glorious day of testimony this week.

This bonehead wanted to make herself a star by prosecuting Trump and 19 others on a raft of ridiculous RICO charges, and never has there been a more hilarious illustration of the bromide, “be careful what you wish for.”

Her testimony on Thursday turned into a glorious self-immolation by a race-card playing dunce who was in far over her head. When searching for a top lawyer to take on the incredibly complicated and high-profile RICO case, she picked a guy who had prosecuted mostly traffic cases, and had zero RICO experience.

And the fact that he and she were sleeping together had NOTHING to do with it.

The best argument she could make was that she started banging the attorney she hired – and over-paid – only AFTER she hired him. Because that makes it all better.

She claimed that she reimbursed her boy toy for all of the money he spent on her for trips and gifts, but that she did so in cash only. Sweet, conveniently untraceable cash.

When asked why she would do that, she said that it was “a black thing” to keep thick wads of cash around at all times. And no, she couldn’t show any records of when she had withdrawn it from her bank, and you’re racist for asking.

In fact, she managed to dig a deeper hole when she said that some of that cash came from when she ran for office, and took campaign cash home for personal use. Which is illegal.

D’oh!

To be clear, all of these black women in high-powered jobs are not transparently corrupt failures because they are black or female. They were only in those high-powered jobs in the first place because they were black and female, and that is a result of the transparently corrupt system of DEI identity politics.

In that way, racial preferences worked for them the same way that nepotism works for rich or powerfully connected white folks.

Ted Kennedy was no more qualified to be a senator than he was to run a shake machine at McDonalds. Hunter Biden couldn’t find Ukraine on a map and knew nothing about the energy business, and my three-year-old daughter made more impressive art with finger paints.

But both of those reprobates were able to fail spectacularly on a big stage purely because of their last names.

The people who should be most outraged at frauds like Fani Willis, Marilyn Mosby and Claudine Gay are black women who work their butts off and legitimately earn their way to a spot at the table, only to be met by a skepticism that they don’t deserve.

And that is all on scammers like Willis, Mosby and Gay.

Hamas delenda est!

Stupid Criminals, Lefty Atheists Tell Christians What Jesus Really Taught & Sunny Hostin Discovers She’s White, and Owes Reparations (posted 2/16/24)

There are a lot of stories to cover today, so let’s get started.

Right after Christmas 2022, Christopher Jason Hovis, 42, was arrested after he scared the hell out of a couple of children when he broke into their house in Decatur, Alabama and started stealing stuff. He was arrested shortly afterwards.

Even though he had a long criminal record, and even though this happened in Alabama, he was out of jail again by last week. I know what you’re thinking: the citizens of Alabama ought to demand better. They ought to insist that Hovis is put back in jail before he can commit another—

Oh no, wait. A homeowner took care of that particular problem last Saturday, when Hovis began kicking his way through a door of his house at 4:00 a.m. The homeowner got his pistol (because: Red State!) and called 911. Cops headed his way immediately.

But as the old saying goes, “When seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In this case, Hovis won the race between himself and the police, kicking his way into the house before officers arrived.

After he collected his prize — a traditional gunpowder greeting from the homeowner – a news story reports that Hovis celebrated his victory by “retreat[ing] outside, where he succumbed to his injuries.”

Yes! I can’t think of a better place for a would-be home invader to die than “outside.”

Since the story doesn’t mention another weapon, I’m assuming Hovis was unarmed, which would trigger many lefty crime-justifiers to caterwaul, “How could the homeowner shoot an unarmed man?!”

Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven had the right answer, which I am paraphrasing: “He should have armed himself, if he was going to violently kick in the door of a gun-owner’s house.”

Roll tide!

If you watched the video I posted on Monday, you know that I cited CS Lewis in my thoughts about our current election cycle. But as much as I love his clear thinking about Christianity, I also really enjoy being lectured about my faith by non-Christian leftists who are 100% sure of what Jesus meant when he taught things that they imagine him teaching.

So I was in luck this week, when two theological giants shared their doctrinal wisdom with us all.

First up was Megan Rapinoe, the obnoxious, America-hating soccer player and professional malcontent. “Highlights” of her “career” include repeatedly dissing our national anthem, whining that female soccer players don’t get paid enough, and badly missing a penalty kick to kill the American team’s chances to advance in some meaningless tournament.

In her last game, while walking alone on the field – far away from whatever counts as “action” in a soccer game – she somehow managed to tear an Achilles tendon. Then, as soon as her career was over, she signed a letter opposing the “Protection of Girls and Women in Sports” Act, which would prevent men who pretend to be women from playing women’s sports.

Which tells you a lot about Rapinoe. She’s the special kind of jerk who would happily subject other female athletes to getting the crap kicked out of them by creepy male athletes, once she was safely retired.

After her injury, Rapinoe waxed theological: “If there was a God, this is proof that there isn’t, because this is f**ked up.”

Move over, St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, because mediocre Megan is rocking the exegesis!

Rapinoe appeared on a podcast this week and discussed how surprised she was by the blowback she received from Christians and non-Christians alike, most of whom thought that her hilarious injury seemed more like proof of God’s existence than the opposite.

She now says that “there is a special place in hell” for people who celebrated her karmic downfall. She also said, “Someone needs to check in on the Christians; they’re not okay. They also missed the whole joke.”

No, no, we got the joke. You’re an entitled little Christophobe who got wildly overpaid to play a boring game and spew hatred, and at the beginning of your last game ever, you blew out your Achilles while walking slowly in soft grass all alone.

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since Norm MacDonald passed away.

Not to be outdone by the sapphic Solomon, Rob Reiner was out pimping his upcoming “documentary” God and Country, which explains that politically active conservative Christians are actually voting in ways “completely antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.”

Because whenever I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Jesus would do in this situation?” I always like to consult a far-left celebrity like Rob Reiner.

And it turns out that the Gospel according to Rob teaches that we should abort babies until the moment of birth, enable addicted wretches to die in the streets and satanic doctors to castrate confused kids, and teach racial hatred and envy of people more successful than yourself. Also, Hamas isn’t so bad, and Death to America. Amen.

As we polite southerners like to say, “Bless your heart, Meathead.”

Speaking of meatheads, our vice president assures us that she is ready to serve, in the event that something happens (unexpectedly!) to Joe Biden.

As a rebuttal of Que Mala’s utterly unjustified self-confidence, check out the twitter video from Elsa Kurt, as she narrates Harris’ attempt to plug in an electric car at a photo op. (It’s several years old, but I just saw it for the first time.)

The VP stands beside the car holding the charging plug. An off-camera voice says, “Go ahead and plug in,” and she says, “Okay,” and then takes way too long to plug it in, as if she’s never used an appliance before.

Then she holds onto the plug for the rest of the multi-minute clip. She says, “There we go,” and the guy offscreen says, “And that’s it.”

And because I was wearing my conical wizard hat while watching and could read his thoughts, he spent the next agonizingly long minutes thinking, “Ok, you can let go now. Let go. Just ease your hand off. For the love of God, please don’t keep standing there and holding that thing!”

The actual dialogue, which I am not making up, goes like this:

Que Mala (QM): And there’s no sound, or fumes!

Off-camera Guy (OCG): There… there is nothing. And that’s all there is to it.

QM: And for all of us who are used to, to filling our tank, you usually can smell it and, and hear it, you can hear the guzzling.

Off-camera Guy’s Thoughts (OCGT): Guzzling? What? No. You can’t hear electricity!

QM (still holding the cord): How do I know it’s working? How would I know that?

OCGT: Not by the smell. Because electricity doesn’t have a smell. Unless it’s passing through the body of a condemned man sitting in an electric chair. Which is where I wish I was right now.

OCG (out loud): So typically, you’d use a card, and then (pointing at the bright green lights lit up on the charging station) this light would come on.

And this makes Kamala cackle like she always does when nothing is the least bit funny.

Good lord, how hard can this be? You’ve got a male plug and a female receptacle. You just plug the male into the fe—

Oh, wait a minute. I get it. Kamala is one of those leftists who can’t define what a woman is, and thinks that a man can become one. So… how can I put this delicately? A process that involves the meeting of male and female is not their strong suit.

But of all of the leftist elites, I would have thought that Que Mala would at least understand that process. Especially since it was her entry into politics, under the tutelage of Willie Brown.

Gotcha! I bet you didn’t know that THAT was what “tutelage” means, did you?

Wait a minute. As a professor, I tutored many, many college students. Could I have been doing it wrong, all of those years?

I mean, yes. YES! If Willie was doing it right, then I was definitely doing it wrong.

Luckily for me, since my Norwegian wife would rip me limb from limb (that’s in her viking DNA) if I had been “tutoring” college students the way Willie tutored Que Mala…

Finally, I can’t not mention the hilarious Sunny Hostin story from this last week.

The empty-headed race-baiter from the View has always prided herself for being half-black and half Puerto Rican, but when she appeared on a genealogy show last week, she found out that her ancestors were actually Spanish slave owners.

In fact, they’d only moved to Puerto Rico because slavery had started getting suppressed in Spain, so they took their slaves with them to the New World.

Now for you and me, that wouldn’t be devastating news. Because we’re not racist weirdos who think that we are responsible for the deeds of long-dead ancestors, either good or bad.

But Sunny is a dimwitted racial essentialist, and she’s argued that she and other “people of color” deserve reparations from the descendants of evil white slavers. So this was not good news.

She fidgeted and laughed very awkwardly, and stammered about how she never imagined she came from Spanish slaveholders! But she soon tried to philosophically distance herself from this horrible rebuke to her self-conception: “I guess it’s a fact of life… that this is how some people made their living… on the backs of others.”

Not “some people,” Sunny! YOU! You have been a privileged slaver, and now your shameful secret is out.

When Sunny got back to the View and talked about this awkward new knowledge, the irony was delicious. She talked about how painful it was to find out she was half white, and how her blonde and light-eyed mother and family members had always thought of themselves as “racially black and ethnically Hispanic,” for whatever that’s worth.

Spoiler alert: it’s not worth a lot.

Sunny tried to put the best face on things by trumpeting the fact that she’s 7% indigenous Puerto Rican. And the dullards in the View audience applauded. “Yay, non-whiteness! Hooray!”

And sure, 7% is a lot, when compared to the .00001% Cherokee in Grandma Squanto’s background. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But we’re not buying it, Whitey! You’ve pushed this stupid, racist and tribalist binary of oppressors and oppressed for your whole life, and now it’s come back to bite you on the arse. The lily-white arse!

I almost developed a tiny bit of respect for Sunny though, when she stuck to her guns after this revelation, telling the View audience, “I still believe in reparations!”

For a moment I thought that she deserved a little credit, and wondered how she was going to figure out how much reparation money she owed to minorities, and how she was going to go about paying that.

But nope! Right after saying that she believes in reparations, she said, “So all of you can stop texting me saying that I’m a white girl, and don’t deserve reparations.”

So for all of you who have asked the eternal question, “How dumb is Sunny Hostin?” you now have your answer.

She’s so dumb that even though she now knows that she’s a multi-millionaire descendent of slave holders, she STILL thinks poor white people with no connection to slavery should pay HER reparations!

Hamas delenda est!

We Must Keep Joe Biden in This Race! (posted 2/12/24)

Even though I am wildly popular here in CO Nation, I don’t write columns to be popular. I’ve got to call balls and strikes as I see them. And that’s why I must deliver this sure-to-be unpopular message:

I think the MSM is treating Biden way too harshly and unfairly. As patriotic Americans, we’ve got to do everything we can to defend him from these spurious attacks, and support keeping him in office and running for re-election!

I know. But hear me out.

Yes, the guy was never more than a glad-handing mediocrity, a fumbling, bumbling low-IQ gaffe machine. And that was back when he was young and at the height of his powers, finishing at the low end of his law school class and plagiarizing his way right out of two presidential runs!

Sidebar: Can you imagine what would happen if you had the misfortune to hire one of the attorneys who finished BELOW Joe Biden in law school?! Good lord!

You’d pick him out of the phone book, then make an appointment with him to represent you in your divorce. Then you’d meet him at his office, which would be the smallest space in an aging mini-mall in an iffy neighborhood, sandwiched in between a pawn shop and a Tai Kwan Do studio with no Asian instructors.

And you’d explain to him that you’ve got a solid pre-nup and you caught your wife cheating on you, plus she’s got two DUI’s and an open warrant for a Failure to Appear in a meth distribution case out of Abilene, Texas.

And the guy would smooth out his comb-over and say, “No problem, this is a slam dunk case. I went to law school with Joe Biden, you know.”

And three months later you’d stomp back into his office wearing only a pair of mis-matched flip-flops and your oldest, threadbare boxers, holding a cardboard box of VHS tapes and a third-place bowling trophy from junior high. And you’d drop the box on his desk and say, “You did finish higher in your law school class than Joe Biden, right?”

And he’d say, “Why do you ask?”

And you’d say, “Because my cheating, alcoholic meth-dealer of an ex-wife got the house and the cars and my 401K and the clothes off my back. And now I’ve got to pay her alimony and child support. And we don’t even have any kids!!”

And, scene.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

Now Biden’s just a shell of his former shell of a self, and is manifestly unworthy of being president.

So yes, it would technically be better if he stepped down today.

Except that then, Que Mala would be the president. And yes, we all just threw up in the back of our mouths a little. Or possibly a lot. And some of you are dry heaving over a waste basket right now, just because I brought up that possibility.

Sorry about that. But it’s too late for a trigger warning, so let’s just move on.

Here’s the situation: the three people on earth most likely to be our next president are Willie Brown’s former side piece (underwater by something like 19 points on approve/disapprove), the late Joe Biden (underwater by around 17 points, and falling like Jeffrey Toobin’s pants on a Zoom call), and Donald Trump (underwater by around 12, which is roughly 3 points better than he was a couple of months ago).

I desperately want Trump to win, and it’s looking way better for him against both Biden and Que Mala than it did in recent months. (Please God, I don’t ask for much, but this one time… Our country needs this!)

But if anybody else is up for the Dems in November – DeSantis took Ken Doll Newsom apart at the joint, so the most likely stand-in now appears to be Big Mike Obama – Trump is going to be at a comparative disadvantage.

As ridiculous as that is! I’m not saying it makes sense at all, or that it’s right. But that’s my honest take on the situation. Trump is more underwater with the independents and the mushy middle of persuadables outside of the right-wing base – which are frustratingly ALWAYS the ones who decide presidential elections – than any pol other than Brandon and the Cackle Queen.

Have you ever seen two exhausted boxers in a late round, when the guy who’s losing starts wrapping his arms around the other boxer and holding on for dear life whenever they get close? It’s a good strategy to run out the clock, especially when you can’t afford to go toe-to-toe with your opponent, because even a single, glancing punch is going to turn out your lights.

That’s what Trump should do with Biden, but for the opposite reason. He should close up with him and then go into a clinch, so that he can hold Biden up and keep him upright until the final bell.

Don’t go after him 24/7 for the next nine months. Don’t get in his face and challenge him to a debate. (You already gave him an out for that by skipping the GOP debates anyway, but now that can actually work for you.)

If you get on the same stage with him and start throwing rhetorical haymakers, he’s going to go down like Mike Tyson when Buster Douglas caught him with that flurry of jabs in the 10^th round. And then the Dems would discover (unexpectedly!) that’s Biden’s actually been dead for several years now, and sub in somebody with at least a 50/50 chance to beat you.

Fortunately for us, if Biden can retreat to his basement, the MSM will do everything they can to protect him. The Dems believe that he can beat Trump (or at least they did), and their strategy to use sleazy lawfare to simultaneously help Trump get the GOP nomination and weaken him with the independents was probably their smartest course of action.

I mean, if you accept that they have rejected their responsibility to behave as ethical and sane adults. Which they have definitely done, for lo these many decades now.

But now that they’re there, they just need to keep Biden away from microphones. And cameras. And any competent journalist who might somehow slip inside the White House cordon to yell a question at him when he’s concentrating on wobbling his way across the lawn without falling and shattering one of his bird-like hip or leg bones. Or arm bones. Or ribs.

The establishment and MSM have already been doing their level best to run cover for him. And there’s no better sign of that than the DOJ’s kid-gloves decision to not go after him for his obviously illegitimate taking of classified documents and sprinkling them all over the eastern seaboard, from his beach house to his garage to his phony “Biden Center” at U Penn.

The investigation admitted that there’s plenty of evidence that Biden took docs he had no right to take… but basically says that they aren’t going to prosecute him because he’s mentally incompetent.

What?!

That’s what the lawyer for the guy who gets caught with the bodies of 5 murdered nurses half-buried in the dirt basement under his house argues! “Sure, my guy went on a multi-state murder spree, but look at him. The poor sap doesn’t know if he’s afoot or horseback. You can’t convict him!”

But at the end of that story, his best-case scenario is for the authorities to put the mentally ill guy into a psych ward instead of a supermax prison.

You know what the authorities DON’T do? [begin Sam Kinison filter] THEY DON’T SEND HIM BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO LEAD THE FREE WORLD! OH! OHHHHHHH! [end Kinison filter]

It’s even worse than that, because you know that Ben Hur was just feeling sorry for Biden, because he actually said, in his actual report, that Biden is “a well-meaning elderly man with a poor memory.”

You don’t have to understand the Latin phrase “non compos mentis” to understand what Hur just said about Joe Biden. Even my daughter and her friends, when she was in second grade, could understand what that meant: as they would say, he’s “cuckoo fried chicken!”

Talk about the soft bigotry of low expectations! You never want to be in the position of explaining away the manifest flaws of a chief executive that way. “That’s just Joe. He means well.”

If Ben Hur was a genteel Southerner, his report would be titled, “An Inquiry Into Joe Biden’s Handling of Classified Documents: Bless his heart.”

So kill him with kindness, Mr. Trump.

No, strike that! Don’t kill him! For the love of God, don’t kill him!

Treat him like he is a fragile porcelain mouse. Compliment him. You probably can’t say, “The president is a formidable opponent,” with a straight face. So go for something more believable, like, “I know that he’s doing the best he can to implement his policies.”

Or, “I don’t think he’s lost a step since he took office. He looks as healthy as ever to me, and even if something happened to him (unexpectedly!), Kamala is ready to step in and take over for him. But that won’t be necessary, because Joe Biden is every bit as effective and on top of things as he was when he was Obama’s VP. Even though he can’t remember when that was. Or who Obama was.”

Whoo. This is going to be tough, I know. But cut those last two phrases. Just discipline yourself, and stick to the compliments.

Please Mr. Trump, we need this! You don’t need to go into attack mode, and you don’t need to get distracted. Don’t say that E. Jean Carroll is a loony beeyatch. (Even though she obiously is.) Or that the judges in all of your bogus trials are evil leftists, persecuting you for political reasons. (Ditto.)

Just hold some rallies, bask in the base’s love, and stay on friendly ground. Talk for 5 minutes, saying things like, “How about that border crisis?” Or “Remember when gas was $2.15 a gallon?” Or, “Did you ever notice that Putin took Crimea under Obama and attacked Ukraine just a few years ago, but when I was president, Putin stayed on his chain?”

Then say, “Goodnight folks! See you in November!”

So as painful as this may be for me to write…

Biden/Harris 2024!

Oh, and also…

Hamas delenda est!

Grandma Squanto, Woke Kindergarten Fails, & A Dem Accidentally Tells a Border Truth (posted 2/9/24)

I haven’t given Liz Warren enough attention lately, but she posted a short video this week that I can’t resist. And you’ll never guess what Grandma Squanto is on the warpath about now.

Conestoga wagons leaving muddy tracks all over her sacred great plains homeland?

The high cost of teepee insurance?

Repeating rifles that allow toxic white males to get off three shots at her before she can even notch a single arrow?

Nope. She’s got her buckskin dress over her head because – and I cannot stress enough how much I am not making this up – big corporations are screwing the American people out of oreos and Doritos.

Her video is only a minute long, and you really should watch it. I think of it as a sequel to her famous kitchen video, in which she won worst actress in the role of a relatable, blue-collar woman. As you’ll recall, she said, “I think I’m a gonna have me a beer.” And then she asked her beta-WASP husband, “Do you want a beer?”

And he looked at her like she was crazy, because they both know she hasn’t drunk anything but chardonnay during their entire marriage.

Anyway, she starts this video by looking into the camera and saying, “You ever go for the last chip in the Dorito bag and suddenly say, “Whoa! There shoulda been more chips in here!” And then she goes on a rant about how big corporations have been shorting a helpless public by putting less junk food in their packages.

I would say her delivery is wooden, but I’m too mature to go for the obvious wooden Indian joke. (Or am I?) But nobody watching is going to believe that she’s ever bought or consumed a single Dorito, or washed it down with a single sip of beer in her life.

Besides, isn’t she undercutting her brand with this example? If she wanted us to believe her, she’d say, “You ever open a bag of pemmican, squash and maize and say, ‘Whoa!’ There’s suspiciously little pemmican in here. And this isn’t enough squash and maize to feed my papooses! I detect the greedy hand of Big Pemmican behind this!”

But she is on-brand about one thing: she’s a very convincing arrogant leftist, because she knows that regular people cannot possibly decide what packaged products are worth buying. We need her superior wisdom to protect us from Big Snack and our own ignorance.

And yet she can’t correctly identify the mysterious force that has made all products more expensive in the last three years.

Bidenomics!

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Next up, in what is turning into a recurring series of stories about lefties “unexpectedly!” reaping what they sow, some educrats running a San Francisco elementary school got their hands on $250K of federal funds to improve their school’s performance.

Instead of consulting me on how to spend the money – I would start by purchasing a poop plow to clear a path to allow the children to get to the school’s front door every morning, and then firing and replacing every teacher who writes her pronouns on the board or has a hair color that’s not found in nature – they gave it to an organization called – I Schiff you not – “Woke Kindergarten.”

This brain trust got right to work, training teachers to “confront white supremacy” and “disrupt racism and oppression.”

Annnnndddd… the students’ previously terrible test scores and attendance managed to get even worse.

Unexpectedly!

And yes, the money they spent on that boondoggle were federal funds. Which means that you and I paid Woke Kindergarten to make an underperforming school worse.

Great.

In other news, we finally learned the identity of the ghost whom Joe Biden has been regularly shaking hands with after his public appearances: the deceased French president Francois Mitterand!

Ugh! It’s not bad enough that Brandon has surrounded himself with leftist hacks in his administration; even when he wants to talk to (other) dead people, he picks dead socialists!

If we could just find a way to get him to start talking to the ghost of Ronald Reagan, maybe there would be a slim chance that he’d be a less terrible president.

Speaking of terrible governance, Democrat Senator Chris Murphy (thanks, Connecticut!) committed a perfect political gaffe this week, i.e. he accidentally told the truth.

Luckily for him, not many people saw it, since he said it on the MSNBC show of Chris Hayes, whom I suspect is actually Rachel Maddow in whatever is the opposite of drag.

Chris/Rachel asked Murphy to comment on the collapse of the atrocious border bill, and Murphy admitted that “the Democrat strategy for 30 years… has failed for the people we care about most, the undocumented Americans that are in this country.”

Yikes!

In the annals of dishonest leftist verbiage – right up there with saying “pro choice” when they mean “pro abortion,” and “gender affirming” when they mean “gender denying” – the switch from “illegal aliens” to “undocumented” was a master stroke.

“Illegal” and “alien” are both accurate, and clear. “Undocumented” sounds like a guy left his wallet in his other pair of pants.

“Undocumented immigrants” at least admitted that the people in question are immigrants. “Undocumented Americans” is an outrageously blatant lie, and in a healthy political system, calling illegals “the people we care most about,” would be an act of political suicide.

But we don’t have a healthy political system anymore, so Chris Murphy won’t suffer any consequences for his self-damning, inadvertent honesty.

So I guess we’ll have to settle for at least knowing that he’s got Murphy’s Law named after him.

On an “all’s well that ends well” note, in the best-governed state in the nation – although Abbott’s performance on border issues is giving DeSantis some stiff competition for the best governor title – a career criminal with the colorful name of Sterling Alavache attempted to rob a bank. He took a hostage, claimed to have a bomb, and definitely had a knife – which he put to the hostage’s throat while holding him in a headlock and demanding cash.

If he tried this in a blue state, the mayor and governor would have offered him all the money in the bank, one free hostage stabbing, and a key to the city.

But he was in Florida. So the authorities decided to pound Sterling. (Boom! Unexpected British currency pun!)

A SWAT team was called, and when Sterling refused orders to drop the knife and let the hostage go, a SWAT sniper dropped him with one shot.

Rumors that Democrat Senator Chris Murphy then ran to the nearest camera in DC and said, “In a stunning act of reprehensible gun violence, the state of Florida has failed the people we care about most: armed, recidivist criminals!” have not been confirmed.

After another week of political ugliness in our country, let me leave you with an enjoyable, escapist YouTube page that I’ve been following for the last year or so. It belongs to Jonna Jinton, and features stunning video of the far northern Swedish landscape where she and her husband live.

As a Floridian who misses the snowy winters of his youth in Illinois, I can’t get enough of the gorgeous video of winter scenery, the adorable Swedish accents (don’t tell my Norwegian-descent wife, to whom the devious Swedes are not to be trusted), and perhaps best of all, an amazing Aussie-shepherd-looking dog named Nanook, who is the spitting image of Cassie the Wonder Dog.

If you’re interested, the episode called “Winter is Here/Life in the Swedish Woods” is a good one to introduce you to her site.

Have a great weekend, and don’t forget…

Hamas delenda est!

A Few Thoughts About How Far Left the Dems Appear to be Moving (posted 2/5/24)

With every passing week, I’m increasingly struck by how fast the gap is growing between red and blue states, and how wide that gap is getting. And also by what seems like the single factor that explains it: while the political right has more or less maintained its position on the political spectrum, the left has moved far, far to the left.

Elon Musk made the point back when he was thinking about buying Twitter. He shared someone’s simple drawings of his political position. The drawings featured three horizontal lines, labeled “2008,” “2012,” and “2021,” and three stick figures, labeled “conservative,” “me,” and a leftist.

In all three drawings, the conservative stick figure was on the right side, and the stick figure labelled “me” was in the same spot, roughly in the middle of the line. But in 2008, the leftist figure was labeled “my fellow liberal,” and the “me” character was a little left of center, and close to the liberal.

In 2012, the leftist was shown racing to the left, and was labeled “my fellow liberal?” and the “me” character was now just barely left of center.

In 2021, the leftist was standing to the far, far left, labeled “woke ‘progressive’,” and the center line had shifted so far that the “me” character was now about 1/3 of the way right of center.

That drawing sums up our national politics pretty well. It seems like an ideological bookend to Reagan’s old statement, “I didn’t leave the Democrat party; the Democrat party left me.” Musk has the same message to all the lefties who worshipped him 10 years ago and excoriate him as far-right now: he didn’t move, but they went so far left that they lost their minds.

We all see this in just about every big political issue of the day.

On abortion, Dems as recently as Bill and Cankles McPantsuit used to chant the mantra that abortion should be, “safe, legal and rare.” That never made much sense. (What other constitutional “rights” could you apply that to? Would you say that people should exercise their freedom of speech safely, legally and only rarely? Should they use their freedom of religion that way?) But it was at least a nod to the inherent tragedy of abortion.

Dems were also queasy about late-term abortion, insisting that it basically never happens, and trying their best to avoid the subject.

Now the activist left is super abortion-positive! They urge each other to “shout your abortion,” and vacuous actresses give acceptance speeches in which they say how glad they are that they were able to get abortions so that they could increase their career success.

The same goes for gay and trans issues. Obama ran in 2008 as anti-gay marriage, citing his “Christian faith!” (This at a time when many people across the spectrum supported “civil unions” as a compromise that would allow gay couples the civil rights of married couples while maintaining traditional marriage.)

Of course he was lying, which he tacitly admitted when he flipped his position the minute public opinion shifted enough to allow it. But as the old saying goes, “Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue,” and our society could still tell the difference between the two just a few years ago.

The trans craziness is an even starker example. Even a short time ago, if a crazed doctor started chopping off children’s healthy sex organs and chemically castrating them because they were “really” the opposite sex, that doctor would have been jailed or committed to a psych ward.

And if men demanded access to women’s and girls’ showers and athletic competitions, or seriously injured females in physical sports, they would have been jailed immediately. Assuming they survived the community-sanctioned beatings they would have gotten from those girls’ fathers.

Leftists used to tacitly welcome illegal immigration, since they knew most illegals would become future Democrat voters. But they weren’t crazy enough to completely open the borders, and ship the illegals all over the country, and give them cash and prizes to come in.

And while Dems were never exactly “tough on crime” or fans of the 2^nd amendment, they would at least jail repeat offenders, and require high pre-trial bail before letting them out.

When I was a wee lad in Illinois, Chicago was run by Democrats, just as it is today.

But in 1968, when crowds of mostly young leftist dopes caused trouble in Chicago, Mayor Daley sent cops wading into the crowds with tear gas and billy clubs, and carted them off to jail, even if only for a short time. And those were protestors who actually had some legitimate complaints (being drafted into an increasingly unpopular war), and who were being obnoxiously disruptive, but not burning down entire city blocks and injuring hundreds of cops for months on end.

And now violent criminal aliens are allowed into the country, shipped up to NYC, and allowed to physically beat NY cops, and not only are they not jailed and deported, they are released immediately, without even having to post bail?!

I know you all know this, and I do too, but I’m still regularly shocked by how far our blue cities have fallen, and how fast!

Ugh! The only cold comfort I can get from many of these stories is that so many Democrats are now receiving the karmic arse-whipping that they deserve, providing me with a refreshing spring of schadenfreude, and the ongoing opportunity to mock them.

Speaking of which, have you heard that Stacy “A-1” Abrams has just laid off most of the staff of her “voting rights” (i.e. voting fraud) group, the ironically named “Fair Fight?” It seems the rotund, race-baiting election denier raised around $100 million between 2018-2021.

Annnnndddddd… they’re bankrupt!

She’s gone 0-2 in GA governor elections, and 0-for-three years in legal battles to advance the cause of stealing elections. After her group lost their most recent legal challenge against the conservative group “True the Vote,” they are now $600K in the hole, with nothing to show for it.

Also in Georgia, Fani Willis’ multiplying problems continue to entertain and delight. Just like most of Trump’s pursuers in the bogus lawfare cases against him, she is finding out how stupid it was to throw rocks at Trump when she was living in a glass house.

Or in her case, a glass house of ill repute.

Yes, it’s extra funny when someone embroiled in a sex scandal has a name like “Fani.” (Remember how much fun we had with Anthony Weiner?)

Just as it was extra funny when an old video resurfaced from when Fani was running for DA in April of 2020. In an interview with local television, she laughingly asserted, “I certainly will not be choosing people to date that work under me (sic).”

So she’s definitely made a 180-degree turn on that issue. In fact, if I wasn’t such a refined and classy gentleman, I might even say that she went from cowgirl to reverse cowgirl on that issue.

But I definitely would NOT say that “working under her” is exactly the right phrase to describe boy toy Nathan Wade, whom she hired for an unreasonably high salary to go after Trump. Nor would I say that Wade’s previous inexperience – having worked only with low-level criminal cases, and not a single felony trial – makes him a perfect example of the Peter principle.

Because I am obviously far too mature for that.

However, at least one sexually compromised leftist is going unpunished. (Which probably disappoints the little weirdo.)

I’m talking about the legislative aide who was depraved and stupid enough to record himself in a Senate hearing room engaging in a squalid display that, even though it wasn’t baseball-related, involved a great deal of pitching and catching. And then he was stupid enough to post that video online.

When that behavior caused a scandal – unexpectedly! – the little creep insisted that, “I love my job and would never disrespect my workplace.”

Yes, everybody can see that you loved your job. Some might say you loved it too much.

And if you don’t think that making a gay porn video in your office is disrespecting the workplace, what more do you think you’d have to add to achieve that? Scented candles and circus animals?

Don’t answer that!

Anyway, the creep was allowed to resign, and the Capitol police have just announced that they won’t be pressing any charges.

On an entirely unrelated note, remember when the MSM and the Dems (but I repeat myself) got the vapors because the J6ers walked through the capitol building – fully clothed, and most of them with police escort?

That was a horrific “defilement of the sacred seat of government” that sent them all to their fainting couches in shock.

And yes, please feel free to make your own “defiling the seat of government” joke here. Because as I may have mentioned, I’m way too refined and classy for that.

Hamas delenda est!

Blue States Continue to “Unexpectedly” Fail, but Florida Abides (posted 2/2/24)

A couple of columns ago, I pointed out the comedic use of the word “unexpectedly” in MSM stories that recount the completely expected and predictable results of idiotic leftist policies.

Examples would be stories like, “University Allows Dudes to Play Women’s Sports; Actual Females Unexpectedly Get Badly Beaten in Sports,” or “Ultra-White Lady Thinks She’s a Chippewa Princess; Hilarious Genius Unexpectedly Mocks Her.”

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

I’m realizing now that I could write about those stories seven days a week. For example…

California politicians have burned a lot of calories making criminals’ lives easier and cops’ lives harder for many years now. (Just as CA has spent a lot of energy on making taxpayers’ and homeowners’ lives harder, and the lives of open-air pooping practitioners and meth enthusiasts easier.)

And now – unexpectedly! – California is experiencing a severe shortage of cops.

The town of Alameda has recently been offering starting salaries over $113K and a signing bonus of $75K to anyone who would be a cop there… and there are still too few takers!

Because no one has ever said the words, “I would never want to live in Ken-Doll Newsom’s California, but it sounds like a great place to be a cop!”

Speaking of unexpected developments in California, for the first time since the company opened in 1948, an In-N-Out Burger is closing a location, this one in Oakland.

Even though the company COO says that the location is “busy and profitable,” – which tells you how good their burgers must be, since that is hard to believe about a business in California! – he also says that their employees and customers have been hard hit by theft, property damage and armed robberies.

On the same block, a Starbucks closed last year (unexpectedly!), and another fast-food restaurant is still open, but only using its drive-thru lane.

Which tells you everything you need to know: the Biden voters roaming the area have made it so unsafe that if you can stay in your locked car with its engine running, you just might be able to grab a meal without getting robbed or killed.

And you know what’s that’s called, don’t you?

Bidenomics!

But it’s not just California suffering the consequences of progressive a-holery. It’s everywhere that the Dems control.

Take Boston, for example. There are a lot of Walgreens stores in Boston. But there are three less than there were in November of 2022. And there’s about to be four less, since Walgreens announced that it will be permanently closing its location on Warren Street in Roxbury, which is “one of the most dangerous areas” in the city, according to local media.

(Also according to local media, that’s probably because Roxbury is home to roving bands of MAGA-hatted white nationalist thugs.)

Now if you are the kind of weirdo who is into things like logic, facts and statistics, you might guess that the latest Walgreens closing might be somehow connected to Roxbury’s violent crime rate (214% higher than the national average), or property crime rate (48% higher), or the region’s overall crime rating of “F.”

(As in, “What the ‘F’ is going on in Boston?”)

But if you are the kind of weirdo who gets elected to Dem congressional seats – and are therefore allergic to things like logic, facts and statistics – you know why Walgreens would REALLY be pulling out of a high crime neighborhood…

Bidenomics!

No, sorry. That should read…

Racism!

I give you Ayanna “chrome dome” Pressley, in a recent speech on the house floor which I am not making up: “Walgreens’ closures [in black and brown neighborhoods] are not arbitrary or innocent. They are disruptive, life-threatening acts of racial and economic discrimination.”

She went on to say that she intends to “demand answers from the Walgreens CEO. Why was there no community input? … Shame on you Walgreens!”

I wish the Walgreens CEO had been in the room, so he could jump up and say, “I’ve got some answers for you! The problem wasn’t too little community input, it was too much community out-take. As in, much of the community kept taking out a ton of merch without paying for it. Which is why by the end of 2022 we had to lock up everything in the store from toothpaste to toilet paper like it was oxycontin-flavored heroin. Shame on us? Shame on you, ya’ low-IQ, black Lex Luthor!”

But he never would have said that. Because on Walgreen’s main website, they devote a lot of pixels to bragging about their devotion to diversity uber alles. They literally say, “DEI is in our DNA.”

(It’s also BS, and explains why your former stores in Boston were FUBAR.)

In case you’re wondering what a white guy thumping his chest about diversity looks like, go to Walgreens’ diversity page and get a look at CEO Tim Wentworth.

The guy has the same unnerving, bug-eyed stare of Adam “Pencil-Neck” Schiff. Seriously. He’s a rich boss of a huge company, so you know that professional photographers took an entire portfolio of portrait shots of him, and this is the best one they could come up with.

He looks like he’s got a stand-up freezer in his basement at home that holds a half-finished skin suit that he’s making out of his female victims.

And by the way, guess who else joined Pressley in writing an angry letter to Wentworth? MA senator Liz Warren. And you can tell by reading that letter that she is really on the warpath on this issue.

(Boom! That’s a #neverstopmocking, Tomahawk Two-fer™ in this column!)

But I don’t want to give you the impression that our entire nation is imploding. On the contrary, the conservative policies of Ron DeSantis continue to provide more reasons for the long-suffering residents of blue states to flee to our free state. (Provided, of course, that they leave their old states’ dysfunctional politics behind.)

One example can be found in an American Thinker story titled, “Florida Leads the Way on Fighting Voter Fraud,” which documents the successes of the Office of Election Crimes and Security (OECS) since it was formed in 2022.

From arresting individuals for election fraud to exposing and fining shady, third-party registration organizations (some of them Soros-funded, shockingly enough) who broke laws to increase illegal voting, the OECS has made our elections more transparent and trustworthy.

Here’s hoping that other states and the Trump campaign will take our template nationwide, before November’s elections!

A second example was Disney’s “last-gasp lawsuit” against DeSantis failing in federal court on Wednesday. For those keeping score at home, that means that the woke groomers at Disney – once the Mouse House, more recently Mao’s House™ — are winless against RDS.

Disney lost their corrupt and crony-capitalistic fiefdom in the Reedy Creek Development District, and now they’ve got to pay the same taxes as other Florida businesses. After their attempt to thwart the will of Florida voters went down in flames, their arrogant CEO had to resign in disgrace. And when the Reedy Creek sweetheart deal was about to expire, their last-minute attempt to appoint a bunch of new board members at the 11^th hour was also rebuffed.

And now their latest legal challenge has been unceremoniously dismissed by a federal judge. More please!

But lest I suggest that everything is perfect in Florida, I have to acknowledge that we’re still living in a fallen world, and Florida Man is still alive and well.

Or in this case, Florida Woman. To wit, this week 35-year-old Celia Barrett was featured in this headlined story: “Naked Florida Woman Barges into Gas Station, Threatens to Kill Staff with Apple Peeler.”

Since the story was behind a Fox News paywall, I was only able to read the headline and first few sentences. But that’s still enough info to allow me to make three insightful comments.

Because I’m just that good.

Here goes:

1. Death by apple peeler would have to be one of the slowest, most painful (and yet easily avoidable) deaths I can imagine.

2. Obviously, we need a huge, annoying and time-wasting effort directed at universal apple-peeler control. Especially when it comes to those scary-looking “assault peelers.” (As for me, you can have my apple peeler when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!)

3. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but the First Rule of Naked Women is that, “Any woman who shows up naked in a gas station wielding a kitchen implement in a threatening manner NEVER looks like a woman you’d like to see naked in public.” Hamas delenda est!

Hard Times at the LA Times, Leaving CA, & Professor Potato (posted 1/29/24)

In my Friday column I covered a bunch of stories in which people who have been sowing dumb policies are now reaping their deserved results. Exhibit A was the government/crony capitalist top-down pushing of electric vehicles, and the ways in which that attempt is imploding.

Exhibit B was the ongoing erosion of mainstream media, seen in stories about how CNN has started to get worse ratings than the Ring-Doorbell network and the Watching Paint Dry network, and about how Sports Illustrated and the LA Times are both going through huge layoffs.

Please allow me to pick up where I left off, with two more fun stories about the LA Times. The first one involves one of my favorite types of situations: when lefties fight inside the tent, because two of their cherished beliefs are clashing.

One past example is the conflict that arose when feminist multiculturalists – who believe that all indigenous/non-Western cultures are inherently superior to corrupt Western ones – were confronted with African, Middle Eastern and Asian societies who practice female genital mutilation. (What do you do when noble, non-Western people of color… turn out to be misogynistic oppressors of women?)

(Besides burst out in a rousing, Nelson Muntzian “HA-HA!”, if you’re a reprobate like me.)

Another example was when anti-Semitic freaks carrying a “Queers for Palestine” banner found out what Palestinians would happily do to them if they were in Hamas-istan:

Jew-hating QFP activist: What? If I’m gay, you’d throw me off a tall building to my death?

Peaceful Jihadi: Yes, inshallah.

QFP activist: What about if I’m bi-sexual?

Peaceful Jihadi: We throw you off shorter building, breaking some of your bones.

QFP: Well, I guess that’s not so—

PJ: Then we drop stones on you until you’re dead.

QFP: So, if I’m trans…?

PJ: Throw you off building, then crush you with stones. Then pull stones off you and spit on you, then drive corpse around Gaza in back of truck while firing rifles in the air and giving candies to the children to celebrate. (HA Inshall-HA!)

And, scene.

Well just such a lefty-on-lefty slapfest is going on at the LA Times right now, this time pitting the sanctity of unions vs. the holiness of racial identity politics.

As previously covered, the paper is laying off a big chunk of its employees. Rigid union rules dictate that all cuts must be made on the basis of seniority, i.e. last hired are the first fired.

This policy often hamstrings struggling employers, because it puts unions’ self-interest ahead of trying to keep the best-performing employees in the fight to keep the business going.

But in this case – oh, sweet irony! – most of the older employees are white, while most of the recent hires are “diverse” (i.e. they think exactly like all of the others in the hive, but their skins are slightly different shades than the evil, old whiteys).

You’ve got that right: their own unions are forcing management to protect the biased whites and fire the biased peoples of color! Oh, the weeping and the gnashing of teeth and pronouns!

If you can still read through your tears of laughter, you should check out the way that the young employees are getting their dashikis, serapes and gender-non-binary-onesies over their heads and wailing over the tragedy:

“If these layoffs go through, our caucuses will be decimated. The Latino caucus will lose 38% of its members. The Black caucus will lose 33%. The AAPI and MENASA (I’m not looking those up, because I’ve got a life to lead over here) caucuses will lose 34%!”

But I notice that they don’t say a word about the “old white lady who pretends to be a Cherokee” caucus! Won’t somebody think about Liz Warren?! (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Fortunately, virtually all of the “journalists” at the LA Times are anti-conservative hacks who are terrible at journalism-ing, and whose past terribleness has brought them to this hilarious precipice.

So whoever gets fired, it’s going to be a win-win for karma, justice, and the American way. And for Orville Redenbacher, whose popcorn sales should be going through the roof!

Speaking of the LA Times, on Tuesday they published an editorial that was definitely worth reading. It was written by a Letters Editor named Paul Thornton, and even though he’s a [shudder] white male, you should read his commentary.

It’s titled, “If you Want to Leave, Fine. But Don’t Insult California on the Way Out,” and it is a thing of beauty.

Thornton has to acknowledge that 800,000 people left CA in 2022, and more last year. But he’s irritated because many of them “feel the need to express disdain…and even anger” for their home state. Then he defends how great CA is, with its “liberal politics” and its irrelevantly small Republican party.

He later insinuates that the people fleeing CA are just jealous because, as he puts it, “We have 39 million people, Hollywood and Shohei Ohtani.” But I don’t think those examples constitute the persuasive bragging points that he thinks they do.

Sure, you’ve got 39 million people. But many of them are illegal aliens, addicts with extensive dirty-needle collections, and Democrat politicians. (And some of them are possibly all three.)

Yes, you’ve got Hollywood. But that seems to be mostly a collection of child-grooming, America-hating narcissists turning out unwatchable movies and lectures about how everything we like sucks, and how we suck, and how we should still give them our money. (Hat tip to Doctor Evil: “How about NO!”)

And if I’m not mistaken, “Shohei Ohtani” is the Japanese practice of ritual suicide by disemboweling. Which seems like an odd Chamber of Commerce talking point.

Thornton’s pivotal line is, “But reasons to leave don’t explain the impulse to insult CA on the way out.”

Oh, but they do! The leftist establishment has been obnoxiously dismissive of conservatives and non-leftists, smearing them as racists and bigots, and micromanaging their lives with armies of locust-like bureaucrats (my apologies to locusts, who are just as God made them) and repeatedly mugging them for tax money by using all of the coercive power a bullying government can exert.

So yeah, California’s rulers deserve worse than bad-mouthing, but that’s the least that ex-pat Californians can give them.

And if you’re concerned with showing people civility… you first.

I can’t close without telling you about the insane video that horrific Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer (from guess which party?) put out last Tuesday to tout her new plan to provide “free” community college education to kids in Michigan.

(Community note: There’s no such thing as a “free” good or service. The new JUCO tuition will now be paid for by taxpayers.)

For some reason, Whitmer appears in the video along with – I’m not making this up – a talking potato. The potato has a human mouth, teeth and eyes, and looks as creepy as that description sounds like it would. (Rumors that the potato is played by Brian Stelter, in his first tv appearance since being fired by CNN, have not been confirmed.)

Whitmer calls the abomination “Professor Potato,” and she engages in a dialogue with it that is so stilted and moronic that it might have come straight from Karine Jeanne-Pierre in a press briefing.

You’ve got to see it to believe it, but I can’t promise that you will be able to un-see it. So watch at your own risk.

In Professor Potato’s defense, though, he has not been caught plagiarizing nearly as often as Harvard ex-president Claudine Gay has.

So he’s got that going for him.

Hamas delenda est!