There are a lot of stories to cover today, so let’s get started.
Right after Christmas 2022, Christopher Jason Hovis, 42, was arrested after he scared the hell out of a couple of children when he broke into their house in Decatur, Alabama and started stealing stuff. He was arrested shortly afterwards.
Even though he had a long criminal record, and even though this happened in Alabama, he was out of jail again by last week. I know what you’re thinking: the citizens of Alabama ought to demand better. They ought to insist that Hovis is put back in jail before he can commit another—
Oh no, wait. A homeowner took care of that particular problem last Saturday, when Hovis began kicking his way through a door of his house at 4:00 a.m. The homeowner got his pistol (because: Red State!) and called 911. Cops headed his way immediately.
But as the old saying goes, “When seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In this case, Hovis won the race between himself and the police, kicking his way into the house before officers arrived.
After he collected his prize — a traditional gunpowder greeting from the homeowner – a news story reports that Hovis celebrated his victory by “retreat[ing] outside, where he succumbed to his injuries.”
Yes! I can’t think of a better place for a would-be home invader to die than “outside.”
Since the story doesn’t mention another weapon, I’m assuming Hovis was unarmed, which would trigger many lefty crime-justifiers to caterwaul, “How could the homeowner shoot an unarmed man?!”
Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven had the right answer, which I am paraphrasing: “He should have armed himself, if he was going to violently kick in the door of a gun-owner’s house.”
Roll tide!
If you watched the video I posted on Monday, you know that I cited CS Lewis in my thoughts about our current election cycle. But as much as I love his clear thinking about Christianity, I also really enjoy being lectured about my faith by non-Christian leftists who are 100% sure of what Jesus meant when he taught things that they imagine him teaching.
So I was in luck this week, when two theological giants shared their doctrinal wisdom with us all.
First up was Megan Rapinoe, the obnoxious, America-hating soccer player and professional malcontent. “Highlights” of her “career” include repeatedly dissing our national anthem, whining that female soccer players don’t get paid enough, and badly missing a penalty kick to kill the American team’s chances to advance in some meaningless tournament.
In her last game, while walking alone on the field – far away from whatever counts as “action” in a soccer game – she somehow managed to tear an Achilles tendon. Then, as soon as her career was over, she signed a letter opposing the “Protection of Girls and Women in Sports” Act, which would prevent men who pretend to be women from playing women’s sports.
Which tells you a lot about Rapinoe. She’s the special kind of jerk who would happily subject other female athletes to getting the crap kicked out of them by creepy male athletes, once she was safely retired.
After her injury, Rapinoe waxed theological: “If there was a God, this is proof that there isn’t, because this is f**ked up.”
Move over, St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, because mediocre Megan is rocking the exegesis!
Rapinoe appeared on a podcast this week and discussed how surprised she was by the blowback she received from Christians and non-Christians alike, most of whom thought that her hilarious injury seemed more like proof of God’s existence than the opposite.
She now says that “there is a special place in hell” for people who celebrated her karmic downfall. She also said, “Someone needs to check in on the Christians; they’re not okay. They also missed the whole joke.”
No, no, we got the joke. You’re an entitled little Christophobe who got wildly overpaid to play a boring game and spew hatred, and at the beginning of your last game ever, you blew out your Achilles while walking slowly in soft grass all alone.
That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since Norm MacDonald passed away.
Not to be outdone by the sapphic Solomon, Rob Reiner was out pimping his upcoming “documentary” God and Country, which explains that politically active conservative Christians are actually voting in ways “completely antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.”
Because whenever I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Jesus would do in this situation?” I always like to consult a far-left celebrity like Rob Reiner.
And it turns out that the Gospel according to Rob teaches that we should abort babies until the moment of birth, enable addicted wretches to die in the streets and satanic doctors to castrate confused kids, and teach racial hatred and envy of people more successful than yourself. Also, Hamas isn’t so bad, and Death to America. Amen.
As we polite southerners like to say, “Bless your heart, Meathead.”
Speaking of meatheads, our vice president assures us that she is ready to serve, in the event that something happens (unexpectedly!) to Joe Biden.
As a rebuttal of Que Mala’s utterly unjustified self-confidence, check out the twitter video from Elsa Kurt, as she narrates Harris’ attempt to plug in an electric car at a photo op. (It’s several years old, but I just saw it for the first time.)
The VP stands beside the car holding the charging plug. An off-camera voice says, “Go ahead and plug in,” and she says, “Okay,” and then takes way too long to plug it in, as if she’s never used an appliance before.
Then she holds onto the plug for the rest of the multi-minute clip. She says, “There we go,” and the guy offscreen says, “And that’s it.”
And because I was wearing my conical wizard hat while watching and could read his thoughts, he spent the next agonizingly long minutes thinking, “Ok, you can let go now. Let go. Just ease your hand off. For the love of God, please don’t keep standing there and holding that thing!”
The actual dialogue, which I am not making up, goes like this:
Que Mala (QM): And there’s no sound, or fumes!
Off-camera Guy (OCG): There… there is nothing. And that’s all there is to it.
QM: And for all of us who are used to, to filling our tank, you usually can smell it and, and hear it, you can hear the guzzling.
Off-camera Guy’s Thoughts (OCGT): Guzzling? What? No. You can’t hear electricity!
QM (still holding the cord): How do I know it’s working? How would I know that?
OCGT: Not by the smell. Because electricity doesn’t have a smell. Unless it’s passing through the body of a condemned man sitting in an electric chair. Which is where I wish I was right now.
OCG (out loud): So typically, you’d use a card, and then (pointing at the bright green lights lit up on the charging station) this light would come on.
And this makes Kamala cackle like she always does when nothing is the least bit funny.
Good lord, how hard can this be? You’ve got a male plug and a female receptacle. You just plug the male into the fe—
Oh, wait a minute. I get it. Kamala is one of those leftists who can’t define what a woman is, and thinks that a man can become one. So… how can I put this delicately? A process that involves the meeting of male and female is not their strong suit.
But of all of the leftist elites, I would have thought that Que Mala would at least understand that process. Especially since it was her entry into politics, under the tutelage of Willie Brown.
Gotcha! I bet you didn’t know that THAT was what “tutelage” means, did you?
Wait a minute. As a professor, I tutored many, many college students. Could I have been doing it wrong, all of those years?
I mean, yes. YES! If Willie was doing it right, then I was definitely doing it wrong.
Luckily for me, since my Norwegian wife would rip me limb from limb (that’s in her viking DNA) if I had been “tutoring” college students the way Willie tutored Que Mala…
Finally, I can’t not mention the hilarious Sunny Hostin story from this last week.
The empty-headed race-baiter from the View has always prided herself for being half-black and half Puerto Rican, but when she appeared on a genealogy show last week, she found out that her ancestors were actually Spanish slave owners.
In fact, they’d only moved to Puerto Rico because slavery had started getting suppressed in Spain, so they took their slaves with them to the New World.
Now for you and me, that wouldn’t be devastating news. Because we’re not racist weirdos who think that we are responsible for the deeds of long-dead ancestors, either good or bad.
But Sunny is a dimwitted racial essentialist, and she’s argued that she and other “people of color” deserve reparations from the descendants of evil white slavers. So this was not good news.
She fidgeted and laughed very awkwardly, and stammered about how she never imagined she came from Spanish slaveholders! But she soon tried to philosophically distance herself from this horrible rebuke to her self-conception: “I guess it’s a fact of life… that this is how some people made their living… on the backs of others.”
Not “some people,” Sunny! YOU! You have been a privileged slaver, and now your shameful secret is out.
When Sunny got back to the View and talked about this awkward new knowledge, the irony was delicious. She talked about how painful it was to find out she was half white, and how her blonde and light-eyed mother and family members had always thought of themselves as “racially black and ethnically Hispanic,” for whatever that’s worth.
Spoiler alert: it’s not worth a lot.
Sunny tried to put the best face on things by trumpeting the fact that she’s 7% indigenous Puerto Rican. And the dullards in the View audience applauded. “Yay, non-whiteness! Hooray!”
And sure, 7% is a lot, when compared to the .00001% Cherokee in Grandma Squanto’s background. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
But we’re not buying it, Whitey! You’ve pushed this stupid, racist and tribalist binary of oppressors and oppressed for your whole life, and now it’s come back to bite you on the arse. The lily-white arse!
I almost developed a tiny bit of respect for Sunny though, when she stuck to her guns after this revelation, telling the View audience, “I still believe in reparations!”
For a moment I thought that she deserved a little credit, and wondered how she was going to figure out how much reparation money she owed to minorities, and how she was going to go about paying that.
But nope! Right after saying that she believes in reparations, she said, “So all of you can stop texting me saying that I’m a white girl, and don’t deserve reparations.”
So for all of you who have asked the eternal question, “How dumb is Sunny Hostin?” you now have your answer.
She’s so dumb that even though she now knows that she’s a multi-millionaire descendent of slave holders, she STILL thinks poor white people with no connection to slavery should pay HER reparations!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 