First, let me thank everyone for the congratulations on our anniversary; you all are too kind.
As I mentioned on Monday, I’ve got a new category that will be featured in many future columns. I’m calling it “Jerk of the Month.”
I was going to call it “Jackass of the Month,” but upon reflection, the jackass is a useful animal, and one that has been put through enough degradation already, having been hijacked by Democrats as their party mascot.
I pictured some poor jackass in a barnyard, being harassed by the other animals:
Cow: Hey Jerry, is it true that Anthony Weiner, AOC and Adam Schiff are all your guys?
Jerry (the jackass, shaking his head wearily): I’ve told you a hundred times, I’m not one of them. They just picked me as their mascot.
Pig (oink-chuckling): Sure they did.
Jerry (to the pig): Hey Randy, aren’t Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg two of yours?
Pig (looking offended): That’s just mean!
Jerry: Meaner than associating me with Imhotep Pelosi, or Adam Schiff?
Clydesdale horse: Take it easy, Jerry.
Jerry: And what about you? Hillary Clinton is one of yours, right?
Clydesdale: Whoa, whoa. Just because she’s got our ankles doesn’t make her a Clydesdale!
Jerry (to a nearby chicken): What are you looking at, General Tso? Eric Swalwell is one of yours!
Chicken: Fang Fang is one of mine. We’ve got nothing to do with Swalwell. That guy smells worse than Randy.
Pig: Hey!
Jerry: See how that feels? (noticing a white Jeep Cherokee parked in front of the barn) And what about you? Would you like it if I insinuated that you’re related to Elizabeth Warren?
Jeep Cherokee: That’s not funny! You can see that I’m white, Jerry.
Jerry (narrowing his eyes): Exactly. #wemustneverstopmockingher
And, scene.
Where was I?
Oh yes. My first nominee for Jerk of the Month is a Palestinian Canadian – I picture a guy screaming, “Death to the infidel, eh?” – named Ahmed Kouta.
He got a nursing degree in Gaza, and he made his latest trip there from Canada not long before the Hamas attack on Israel; now he’s apparently stuck there. He’s got around 250K followers on Instagram, where he calls himself “Prince Kouta.”
He’s not a strong candidate for Jerk of the Month because he calls himself a prince – though if there were a competition for “douche of the month,” calling yourself “prince” would likely get you on the medal stand – but because of a video he put out on March 17th. While the video is only 2 minutes long, it contains a weapons-grade blend of arrogance, bad faith and whining.
Elsewhere in his social media Ahmed has been wailing about how the innocent, sainted “Palestinians” are starving to death, all because of the evil Jooooosss.
But this video is basically an unboxing video of a MRE – “meal ready to eat” – that the USA has been air dropping for the citizens of Gaza. He shows his audience the contents of the MRE, one at a time.
“Martin, does he get excited, and express his thanks to the American people for giving his people this life-sustaining aid?” you are not asking, because you know that he wouldn’t be a candidate for jerk of the month if he did that.
He starts by saying that the MREs have been airdropped to Gazans courtesy of the American defense department. “This is the airdrop they drop on us… and then all the airstrikes that they also hit us with.”
Already I wish the MRE had hit him on the head.
He pulls out one packet and shows it to the camera; it’s crackers. Then a packet of applesauce. Then gum. Then something that he looks at, and tosses aside, saying, “I don’t know. We don’t see this here.” (That bag was actually a heater; the user adds water, which creates a chemical reaction to produce heat.) Next is an energy bar, and “French vanilla,” (?) then cashews, then peanut butter.
Then the video cuts to a little later, after he’s opened and tried each of the packets in the MRE. And he says, “Overall, it’s one of the worst meals I’ve ever had. I literally ate a piece of everything, because… imagine I’m fasting all day, hungry, haven’t eaten anything, and then I came to eat this… nothing. Only the peanut butter tastes like our Canadian peanut butter.”
“Everything else? This whole meal is like a 2 out of 10. Not even a 1 out of 10, actually. This is torturing us more than it’s being ate.”
My first thought was that someone should treat him to a little waterboarding, followed by hooking up part of his anatomy to a car battery, followed by playing Dylan Mulvaney’s music video for him on a loop. (Don’t look it up, CO nation!)
And then he could be asked to complete a survey asking him to rate those tortures, as compared to the “torture” of being given free food.
Ugh. MREs are routinely given to our soldiers in the field. (By the way, the life of any one of them is worth more than the collective lives of every malicious anti-Semite in your entire social network, Princess!) They are designed to not spoil or rot, and to provide life-sustaining nutrition in challenging environments.
I’ll grant that a MRE doesn’t sound like a gourmet meal to me, and I probably wouldn’t choose to eat it, if I had a lot of other options.
On the other hand, I do have a lot of other options. Because I’m not a hateful little b*tch who supported a bunch of terrorist scum who gang-raped and slaughtered a lot of defenseless civilians, bringing down a righteous drum of karmic whup-ass on me and my vile co-religionists, which means that I’ll never have to rely on my innocent victims to feed my sorry, unrepentant arse.
So I’ve got that going for me.
As one commenter on the video said, “If you’re rating humanitarian aid on a scale of 1 to 10, you don’t need humanitarian aid.”
Yep.
Another commenter pointed out that Kouta only showed the snacks that come with the MRE that he held up; the main course was “vegetable crumbles with pasta in taco style sauce.”
Which means that in addition to being an obnoxious ingrate, Kouta is also either a liar, or else someone stole the main course out of his MRE before it got to him. Now who could have done that, I wonder?
Well, Kouta accidentally gave us a clue in the middle of his moan-fest. When he first displayed the MRE, he said, “It comes for free, but in the end we still have to buy it.”
That’s right. The American taxpayers provide you with free food, and then the noble jihadis in Hamas steal that food, and extort you into paying them for it. But the Americans and the Jews are the bad guys?
Got it.
On behalf of the American people, I apologize, Ahmed. We’re going to get our best chefs right on the task of providing you with the kind of delicacies that your sophisticated palate demands.
In the meantime, might I suggest that there is an alternative source of protein in Gaza for you right now? We call it “terrorist crumbles with diced shrapnel in taco style sauce.” Don’t think of it as cannibalizing the corpses of Hamas fighters, think of it as “consuming a Canadian-peanut-butter-esque substance.”
And if some of the servings you can scrounge might have gone bad after a little too much time in the sun, don’t worry, because the IDF is preparing some more for you right now.
Bon appetit, Ahmed, and congratulations on your nomination for Jerk of the Month!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 