Sure, our country has problems. Our president is a barely animated cadaver who maintains what little life-force he has through consuming an all-ice-cream diet and sniffing the hair of young girls. And our vice president is somehow worse than that guy.
Our borders are open, inflation is running rampant, crime is skyrocketing, and the View is still on the air. Too many of our young females are trying to turn themselves into males, and too many of our young males are playing soccer.
And one of our senators pretends to be an Indian, even though she’s as white as a curling competition in Reykjavik. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
Yet amidst all that anarchy, there is still hope. Because some Americans still have their priorities straight.
For example, hundreds of people gathered yesterday in Charleston, West Virginia to hold a candlelight vigil for a good cause: “To honor a Hooters location that was being demolished to make way for a gas station.”
As I understand it, Hooters is a restaurant chain featuring attractive young waitresses in tight orange uniforms. I can’t say that for sure, because as regular readers may remember, I met my wife in August of 1986, and from that day forward, all other women have become invisible to me.
But I have it on good authority from a friend that AOC could likely get a waitress job there, due to the alleged juiciness of her booty (her words, not my friend’s or mine). Which would be a win-win, since she would then be running around in orange shorts screwing up drink orders and embarrassing only herself, rather than sitting in our legislature and embarrassing all of us.
Anyway, the Hooters vigil was said to have started as a joke among friends that took off on social media, eventually drawing visitors from several states away. And some may object that it is a frivolous protest.
But I’d point out that in the very recent past we’ve had hundreds of protests nationwide, most of them for much worse causes, and by much worse people. Many hordes of peaceful rioters have attacked courthouses and police stations, and burned down entire city blocks.
Anti-Semitic freaks have stopped speeches on college campuses and besieged Jewish student groups in campus buildings. A bunch of pro-Hamas Harvard students went on a hunger strike for a whole 12 hours on February 12th. (I’m not making that up.)
Morons all over the country routinely sit down in front of cars to tie up traffic for one idiotic cause or another, and many thousands of drivers tragically don’t run over them!
Even here in my free state, yesterday around 100 angry, sexually confused protestors marched around my town and expressed their outrage at legislation that would require FL driver’s license and identification cards to reflect a person’s actual sex. They carried a giant banner proclaiming, “Let us Live.”
Which I guess makes sense, since as everybody knows, the leading cause of death for people under 30 is carrying a driver’s license with your actual gender on it.
So yeah, in the context of those protests, respectfully eulogizing the passing of a Hooters looks like the Boston Tea Party by comparison.
But you don’t have to take my word for it. Not when you’ve got event co-organizer (and great American) Leo Browning to explain: “For all the naysayers, the doubters, the down-talkers and whatnot. This building right here was a legitimate iconic figure to the Kanawha Valley.”
Just in case any of you are still doubtful – and seriously, what’s wrong with you? – the event was also a fundraiser for “a child who allegedly has a very rare disease.”
Once again, I give you Leo Browning: “One of our close friend’s daughters, she was just diagnosed with a very, very rare disease, and it’s very serious. If she don’t get help, then she’s not going to be with us much longer.”
“But Leo,” you might ask, if you’re among the naysayers and whatnot, “what disease is it? And what’s the girl’s name, and what kind of treatment does she need, and how much will it cost?”
I think I can speak for Leo when I say that that sounds like a bunch of doubting and down-talking to me, so mind your business.
But that story isn’t even in the top 3 most ridiculous stories of the last week. I’d rank those as follows:
1. Alvin “soft on crime” Bragg, the Manhattan DA and national embarrassment, is outraged because AZ prosecutor Rachel Mitchell has not agreed to extradite a murderer from NY who fled to AZ and was captured there. Mitchell would rather hold the killer there with no bail, rather than send him back to Bragg, who has a habit of letting killers out immediately, with little or no bail.
Bragg said, and I swear I am not making this up, that Mitchell was engaging in “grandstanding… plain and simple, old fashioned grandstanding and politics. That should have no place in our profession.”
Bragg is also the guy who is trying to prosecute Trump for the non-crime of paying off a porn star, and then trying to elevate that to a felony because he says that it was done to cover up a second crime. Except that his charging documents didn’t say what that second crime was, which drew attacks even from leftist Trump haters.
But if there’s one thing that sticks in Bragg’s craw, it’s old fashioned grandstanding and politics!
2. The leftist hacks at Google spent a quadrillion dollars on coming up with an AI program that spent 20 minutes on the market before being deluged in a flood of mockery when it turned out that it would not produce an image of a white person, no matter what a customer asked for.
People asked for an image of a pope and got an Indian lady and a black guy. A “Founding Father?” Black guy in a powdered wig. An Indy 500 winning driver from the 1930s? Black gal in a racing suit.
It was so bad that a request for an image of a Viking produced an Asian woman and a black guy wearing furs and armor. Because you remember all of those history shows about Genghis Thorson and Attila the Swede.
3. A dope at CNN explained that Christian Nationalists – who she insisted are very different from Christians, though she didn’t explain how – are dangerous, creepy and delusional in part because – get this! – they believe that our rights don’t come from Chuck Schumer or Cocaine Mitch McConnell, but from God.
No one at CNN knows any better, so the segment went fine. But that night, conservatives bombarded her with emails quoting the first sentence of the preamble to the Declaration of Independence.
She got as far as “endowed by their Creator…” before she dropped everything, googled “Declaration of Independence,” and then read on, in growing horror.
Wait until she googles “Founding Fathers” and finds out that they weren’t a bunch of transgender black vegans in powdered wigs and old-timey clothes!
Let me close with a couple of more schadenfreude stories.
First, the Disney corporation, currently 0-15 against DeSantis and the conservatives of America, have racked up another “L.” Because another top Disney exec is out of a job.
This time it’s Sean Bailey – not be to be confused with George Bailey, who actually enjoyed movies (famously hollering, “Merry Christmas, movie house!”) – who was shown the door at the Mouse House (correction: Mao’s House) this week.
He was the big brain in charge of all of the live action re-makes (that you didn’t see) of old Disney movies. Because Disney’s only new ideas in the last 15 years have been to push “a not-so-secret gay agenda,” attack Ron DeSantis, and re-fashion Snow White into “Snow Brown and the 7 Racial Grievances.”
Wooh. Let me catch my breath. Between the laughing, and the going around the Cape of Good Hope to stretch for that “It’s a Wonderful Life” joke, I’m gassed.
Coincidentally, Disney CEO Bob Iger is facing a serious takeover attempt, and has sold off around 80% of his Disney stock over the last year. Next up: he’ll re-retire to “spend more time with family.”
Finally, a couple of columns ago I mentioned Rob “Meathead” Reiner’s incredible theological insights (synopsis: Marx is the lord your god, and you shall have no other gods before him). His “documentary” (and never were scare quotes more justified) “God and Country” was released a couple of weeks ago.
Well, despite getting a ton of super-positive reviews from every leftist media outlet in sight, and “an avalanche” of free publicity before it opened, and 100% positive reviews from viewers on Rotten Tomatoes, it opened to a dismal $38,000!
Unexpectedly!
For comparison, that’s about the amount one man (his name rhymes with Schmunter Hiden) spends on an average weekend of partying, including the cost of the hotel room, the cocaine that he snorts off the rear ends of various hookers, and the costs of the aforementioned rear-end-rental!
So how did it manage to get so many positive Rotten Tomatoes reviews?
I didn’t say that there were a lot of reviews, only that they were ALL positive.
Or, in this case, BOTH of them were positive.
That’s right. According to a RedState story dated 2/28, two people paid to see Meathead’s magnum dope-us (you see what I did there?), and then wrote one rave review each.
The only thing that could make that outcome funnier would be if the studio that financed and released that disaster were Disney!
Have a great weekend, everybody. And don’t forget…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 