Month: July 2024

The MSM Tries to Cover for Kamala, Schumer Beclowns Himself, & Karma Gets An Anti-Semitic Olympian (posted 7/29/24)

Once again trying to keep up with the news last week was like trying to drink from a firehose. 

I know what you’re thinking: “If we didn’t know what a refined gentleman Martin is, that sounds like a setup for a hilarious Willie Brown joke.”  And maybe it is.  But as you know, that kind of thing is beneath me.  So let’s not act like children, people.

By the way, I just re-watched the two-minute clip from the debate when Trump and Biden talked about golf.  And for the rest of my life, whenever I’m feeling a little down, I will watch that clip and feel the healing balm of laughter.    

Trump’s advisors had obviously coached him up to not over-reacting or show too much irritation, and he did a pretty good job of maintaining a poker face throughout.  But the one thing that put him over the edge was hearing Biden say that he was a 6 handicap.

Trump’s expression – groaning and turning his head away – was comedy gold, followed immediately by Biden changing his handicap to an 8, while Trump shook his head and sarcastically said, “Yeah.  Never.” 

Then Trump gave the coup de grace: “I’ve seen your swing, Joe.  Let’s not act like children.”

I’ve used that line half a dozen times in the last month, including in a friendly argument with my wife.  She was reminding me that I’d promised to give Cassie the Wonder Dog a bath, and that she was not smelling so great.  Technically, she was right, but I could see that Cassie was offended.

So I said, “Honey, I’ve seen your swing.  Let’s not act like children.”  And it worked perfectly.  Karen was completely confused, and I laughed and put out my fist, and Cassie gave me a paw bump and trotted out of the room at my side. 

That’s the closest I’ve come in 35 years to winning a marital argument.  So thank you, President Trump.

Anyway, the Obamas endorsed Kamala on Friday, so now the die has been cast, the Rubicon has been crossed, and the pooch has been screwed.  

I don’t think that even the Democrat party could flip-flop again if her numbers go south, and try to switch in a new candidate at the convention.  So we can all now officially train our fire on Que Mala.  (By which I mean, we can all now tell the truth about her.)

We still need to stay focused, because she starts with an enormous propaganda machine and a mountain of cash in her corner, and the MSM will lie to sell her as outrageously as they lied to sell Biden.  But between her own awkward incompetence and being saddled with Biden’s terrible record, she is clearly beatable. 

In the meantime, her “honeymoon” is providing some dark humor, as we watch the MSM beclown themselves with one blatant lie after another: 

“She wasn’t a DEI pick!” (Even though Biden himself said that she was.)

“She wasn’t the border czar!”  (Even though we can post dozens of MSM headlines saying she was, and we can watch the séance with Joe Biden when he gave her the responsibility for the border.) 

“She’s an exciting, dynamic leader, who has earned her way to the top!”  (<cough> Willie Brown <cough>)

The best and cringiest moment came from poor Chuck Schumer – a hollowed-out husk of a man at this point, though I’m not sure that he was ever much more than that – rolling out her announcement.

In a performance worthy of a “Worst Actor in a Political Farce” nomination, Schumer mimicked enthusiasm, while reading a groan-worthy and unconvincing script, which I swear I am not making up:

“President Biden’s selfless decision has given the Democratic Party the opportunity to unite behind a new nominee.  (Here he began pumping his fists very unconvincingly.) And boy oh boy, are we enthusiastic!” 

Yes.  Biden’s “selfless” “decision.”  You know, like when the Godfather had Luca Brasi hold a gun to that band leader’s head and told him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. 

And the bandleader said, “I have selflessly decided to sign this contract.”

Also, nobody in all of human history who was actually enthusiastic has ever had to say, “Boy oh boy, are we enthusiastic!”

Then Schumer said, “So now that the process has played out from the grassroots bottom up…”

Yes.  Because nothing says “grassroots, bottom-up campaign” like a political puppet having a series of closed-door meetings with party bosses and big donors over 36 hours and then emerging as “the people’s choice!”  

“…we are here today to throw our support being Vice President KAMALA HARRIS!” 

And then he actually clapped.  All by himself.  In a room presumably full of Dem party hacks and journalists.  (But I repeat myself.)

After an excruciating several seconds of sad, one-man applause, Schumer dropped his hands and acknowledged the toxic-level of cringe, saying, “I’m clapping.  You don’t have to.”  When the crowd laughed at Schumer’s awkwardness, he finally said, “It’s a happy day.  What can I say?”

How about, “Please accept my deepest apologies for the mortifyingly dishonest kabuki theater I’ve just engaged in.  I’ve shamed myself, my party, and my family.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I will retire from public life forever.” 

But nope.  He just stood there in a room full of spineless sycophants, who couldn’t even bring themselves to sycophant. 

I wish I could have been there, because you know what I would have called out. “We’ve seen your candidate, Chuck.  Let’s not act like children!”

But Schumer had still not hit rock bottom, because two minutes later, before turning the microphone over to Hakeem Jeffries, he made one more attempt to use some flailing arm gestures and faux-rousing rhetoric to elicit some reaction from a captive audience who appeared to be as dead as Joe Biden:

“Today…we begin our next chapter, and it will be our best yet!  Vice President Harris will beat Donald Trump, and [awkward fist pumping with each emphatic word] Become. The. Next. President. Of. The. United. States. Of. America!”

Then he actually looking pleadingly toward the first row, waving his hand back and forth, and plaintively saying, “Applause?”  When not a single person responded, he quickly said, “Hakeem,” and stepped aside, looking like the picture you’d see in a dictionary beside the words, “flop sweat.”   

Ouch!  Tough room, Chuck!

If this bunch of lackeys and sell-outs can’t even be tased into some fake applause, the next four months are going to be entertaining.

There are a lot of good-news stories that I wanted to talk about, but this column is already getting a little long, so I’ll save those for a Wednesday column, and choose just one schadenfreude-tastic story to end with.

This one happened at the Olympics, where a Muslim athlete from Tajikistan named Emomali was matched against an Israeli in a judo competition.  And you’ll never believe it, but the Muslim was a big a-hole to the Jewish guy.

Unexpectedly!

Emomali won the match, and afterward he snubbed the protocol of shaking the Israeli’s hand. Instead, he stalked off, saying, “Allahu Akbar” and giving the Islamic “finger of Tawheed” gesture, which is making a fist with only the index finger raised, symbolizing the Islamic belief that, “There is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet.” 

And then, because God exists, and He is hilarious, Emomali next faced a Japanese guy, who picked him up and slammed him backwards onto the mat.  When Emomali reached his left arm out to try to break his fall, it bent in a direction it wasn’t supposed to, leaving it dislocated, and Emomali crying in pain on the mat.

I couldn’t help but think of Shane Gillis’ hilarious impression of Trump’s news conference announcing the death of Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi: “We could hear him crying.  I said, Abu, don’t cry.  ‘Crybaby Baghdadi,’ that’s what we were all calling him.”

Meanwhile, Emomali’s defeated Israeli opponent advanced to the next round, because the Algerian Muslim who had been scheduled to fight him forfeited the match, rather than compete against a Jew.  (Unexpectedly.)     

If I could go back in time and see only one Olympic event, it would have to be Emomali doing his impression of a backward-bending chicken leg on the mat. 

Oh no, wait.  I’d go to the 1976 Olympics, and find Bruce Jenner, and say, “Bruce, I’m from the future, and I’ve got to warn you about a terrible, terrible decision you’re going to make in about 40 years!”

But if I could go back in time and see two Olympics, my second choice would be to pop back to this weekend to see Emomali going, “Allahu Ak-OW! OW! OW!”

And as he was being taken off on a stretcher, I’d show him the “Finger of Simpson,” which is very similar to the “Finger of Tawheed.”

Except that it does not involve the index finger.

Then I’d say…

Hamas delenda est!

For One Shining Moment, the Press Does their Job… and a Dem Prez Instantly Falls (posted 7/26/24)

Well, tomorrow will be one month since the most decisive debate since Lincoln-Douglas. 

Before anyone accuses me of exaggeration – you might think that we all remember Lincoln as the guy who beat the Democrats and freed their slaves, while Douglas has faded from history – I have to point out that Douglas was able to complete a series of debates during which he spoke for many hours without worrying audiences that he had shuffled off this mortal coil.

Joe Biden STARTED the debate by shuffling into the room in a manner that suggested he may have left his mortal coil in the green room.  From there he didn’t just make some gaffes, or have some bad moments, or lose badly.

He was so metaphysically awful that after 90 minutes, the entire nation decided that he cannot run for president anymore.  That, my friends, is one terrible debate performance.

We’ve learned many things in the last, tumultuous month: A cognitively disabled man can be president for three and a half years.  A gentle, 3-degree slope on a roof makes it impossible for a secret service agent to get onto it.   No matter what you may have heard, Que Mala was NOT the Border Czar.  (I guess because technically she was the “Border Czarina?” Gendered Russian grammar for the win!)

But for me, the most eye-opening experience was getting just a brief glimpse of what our political landscape would look like if the press actually did their job on a regular basis.  Because holy moly, did they ever destroy Joey Gaffes in record time! 

And they didn’t do it via dirty tricks or biased coverage.  They simply started telling the truth and asking tough but fair questions.  For a couple of weeks!  And Biden’s 120-year career in politics was over, just like that.

Can you imagine if the MSM had done that to Bill Clinton?  “We’ve noticed that despite the fact that you’re a huge feminist hero, every intern who walks out of your office either has mussed up hair, messed up lipstick, or is rubbing her rear end.  What’s up with that?  Also, you clearly perjured yourself under oath, and since losing your law license over that means that you’ve been declared too unethical to be a lawyer – who knew there was such a thing? – how are you ethical enough to be a president?”

Or Hillary Clinton?  “We’re going to doggedly stay on your Rose Law Firm scandal and your impossibly successful cattle trading returns until we get to the bottom of them.  (We’ve noticed that your only even tangential connection to cattle is that you both have cloven hooves.) Also, your setting up a secret server and calling a meeting at which you ordered your minions to smash all of their Blackberries with hammers only makes sense as evidence of your staggering corruption and devotion to evading responsibility for blatantly illegal actions, and we’re going to expose those completely.”

Or Barack Obama?  “How could you listen to Jeremiah Wright’s whitey-hating, anti-American sermons for 20 years – and take the title of your first autobiography (which you definitely did not write yourself) from one of those racist screeds – and not notice what a malevolent loon he obviously is?  Also, wasn’t setting up a fake Greek Temple in Denver to give a speech from, and then claiming that your getting the nomination was ‘the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow, and our planet began to heal’ super narcissistic?”

“And by the way, you never met your African dad until adulthood, and were raised by your white mom and white grandparents in Kansas, Indonesia and Hawaii, surrounded by white people, Hawaiians and Indonesians.  Doesn’t that make you about as culturally black as Liz Warren is ethnically red?”  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Years ago I remember reading a pollster’s estimate that one-sided leftist bias in MSM campaign coverage produces an approximate 8-to-10-point swing favoring Democratic presidential candidates, and that’s always seemed about right.  But the last month has proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Remember: with the MSM covering for Joe Biden, he had 36 years in the US Senate, 8 years as Vice President, and one term as President.  But when the media turned on him and started reporting honestly, he was forced out of politics in a fortnight!

Which brings us to Biden’s unsatisfying speech on Wednesday night.

Not counting the aforementioned sudden bout of media honesty, there were only three, obviously true reasons why Biden stepped down.   And spoiler alert: Biden and all national Dems are allergic to obvious truths (see: men can’t be women; Hunter’s laptop was Hunter’s laptop; the border is not secure, etc.). 

So guess who avoided those true reasons like a Jewish vegan avoiding a pork chop wrapped in bacon?

The first two true reasons are: 1. Joe’s been cognitively and physically deteriorating at a frightening rate, and 2. Polls show that he was going to lose badly to Trump. 

We all know that the Democrat elite didn’t give a damn about the first one, because they’ve known about it for years.  They ran Joe in 2020 primarily by keeping him in his basement, for crying out loud.  And everyone who had never been within ten miles of Biden still knew that he was cognitively challenged – comedians were doing accurate impressions of his shuffling and mumbling, and there were ubiquitous internet “greatest gaffes” compilations of his addled and awkward bumblings back in 2019.

Yet somehow Biden insiders – from his sapphic Kewpie-doll spokeswoman to his cabinet officials to his own family – claim that they had no idea of the infirmity that even primitive tribesmen living as remotely as the cannibals who ate ol’ Uncle Appetizer Biden knew about!  

So the Dem elite clearly knew about his manifest infirmities and unfitness to serve, and they just as clearly didn’t care.   But they definitely cared about the second factor – his likely defeat by Trump – because they are power-hungry, soulless Machiavellians who would sell their own mothers into Willie Brown’s harem to retain their power.

So Joe had a tough task in his Wednesday night “speech.”  He had to explain a momentous decision that had only three possible explanations – I can’t control my thoughts or my bowels; I was going to get my butt kicked by Orange Hitler; or my fellow Dems are a bunch of faithless snakes who went all “et tu, Brute?” on my wrinkly old arse – without actually admitting any of those obvious truths.

He did about as well as he could with that… which was not so much.

He basically gave a stump speech about what a great president he was, touting all of his made-up accomplishments (“I lowered drug prices! I beat Medicare! I took a shot of cancer to the moon!”), taking credit for the inevitable economic improvements after the artificially imposed covid recession, and ignoring everything he actually did.

So it’s no wonder that his speech made no sense.  His message boiled down to, “I’ve been such a tremendous, super-successful president… that the best thing I can do for my party and the country is to get out of the race.”

What better way was there for Joe Biden to go out?  After starting his long, incoherence-filled political career in 1973, he left on one final note of complete incoherence.

Well done, Joe.  Please accept this final poem, composed in your honor, from Dylan Thomas, me, and all of CO nation:

Do not go gentle into that political night,

Old age should slur and stutter at close of campaign;

Rage, rage, against Obama and Que Mala!

Hamas delenda est!

I Can’t Believe What the Dems Are Doing with Kamala (posted 7/24/24)

I’ve been lied to.  

Because I’ve been told that our tech overlords know everything about us, and that they’re spying on us through our cellphones, and maybe our fridges, and possibly our toasters. You can’t so much as mention that a certain Democrat pol has a ten-cent head and a juicy booty – her words, not mine (I mean, the juicy booty part.  I figured out that she’s got a ten-cent head all on my own, when she started to talk) – without your phone and computer being bombarded with pics of a Kardashian.

Or Emily Ratajkowski, whom I don’t even know.  (Well, I know NOW.)       

Anyway, those shadowy tech wizards are supposedly curating our entire lives, and feeding us only info that we already agree with or want to receive.

And yet I’ve already received two fund-raising ads in my feed just today, both of them from Que Mala Harris!  So I’ve definitely been lied to about our tech eavesdroppers’ ability to read our minds, because I’ve got to be the least likely person in this solar system to contribute to the campaign of Little Miss Cackle-nator.

However, it was fun to watch her ad, if only to imagine how many takes it took to finish it, and what her first take must have sounded like. 

“For only ten dollars, you can make a difference in getting me elected.  Just ten dollars.  Which is an amount of dollars. Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha HA!  Right?  Each dollar can be exchanged for a dollar’s worth of goods or services.  Goods like electric school buses, and power points full of Venn diagrams.  Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha HA!  And services like hiring a bunch of child actors to sit around and listen to my blathering about space and the moon, and act like I’m saying something substantive.

Anyway, your 10 dollars – a number that is not as big as Russia, or as small as Ukraine, and comes somewhere in between 9 and 11, which are also very numerical terms, right? (cackle cackle cackle) – can make a difference in November.  Which is the 11th month of the year, and one more month than the amount of dollars that I am asking you to send.”

I’m thinking that that’s the part of the first take when several of the tech crew loudly face-palmed themselves, one Dem pollster vomited on his shoes, another sat down mumbling, “We are beyond f**ked,” and the director yelled, “Cut!  Is Joe still around here somewhere?”

You might be asking, “Martin, I thought you asked us yesterday not to criticize or make fun of Que Mala until after the Dem convention, when she would presumably be locked in as the nominee?  And yet now here you are, eviscerating her in the hilariously genius-like way that we’ve all come to know and love.  What gives?”

Well, for some idiotic reason known only to God – you may remember Him as the Guy who moved Trump’s head out of the way of that bullet – the Dems seemed to have fallen in line behind Harris.  (And no, this is not the time for a Willie Brown joke.  In the words of a great future president, “Let’s not be children.”)

I really don’t get it.  The smart thing would have been for them to say a lot of supportive comments about Kamala (as honest as all the things they were saying about Biden being vigorous and super compos mentis 10 minutes ago), but leave the door open for a nomination battle at their convention. 

Then, after three weeks of Kamala assuming the role of president-in-waiting and making public appearances everywhere, they could see what her polls looked like.  And if the polls look like we all pretty much know they will, the Dem power brokers could rig the convention to put someone else in place.  

That’s what I thought they would do, when I noted 24 hours ago that some big leftist names were splitting into two camps re: whether Kamala should get the nod.

I guess they could still do that. But they are all signing off on her candidacy now, which will make them look much more bumbling and desperate if they reverse themselves again, after they crowned her as the nominee a day after Joe shuffled off his mortal coil, wearing his big ol’ waffle-stomper, shufflin’ shoes. 

Seriously.  They lied about what great shape Joe was in for four years, then he exposed them by breathing his last breath during the debate.  So then they jump on the Kamala bandwagon – and again I must remind you that I am far too dignified to make the Willie Brown joke that we’re all thinking of right now – and when her poll numbers look as bad as Joey Gaffes’, they’re going to push her aside and sub in ANOTHER Dem politician?!

Does that process – bailing from Plan A to Plan B and then to Plan C in a few weeks – suggest stability and competence on the left?  Or does it look like the live re-enactment of the old joke about four guys in a plane that’s going down because it’s overloaded?

(You may remember it from the pub scene in American Werewolf in London: When they realize that somebody needs to jump out to save the rest, the Brit says, “God save the Queen!” and jumps.  When the plane is still too heavy, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and jumps.  When that doesn’t help, the Texan says, “Remember the Alamo!”… and chucks out the Mexican.)

But it looks like the Dems are going with her, so what do I know?  Still, just to be safe, if any of you are contacted by a pollster in the next three or four weeks, please say that you’re all-in for Harris, and you give her five stars, or two enthusiastic thumbs up, or multiple bedazzled Venn diagrams.  Whatever it takes.

By the way, it’s a huge red flag that her first official act – for the last time, I’m not talking about THAT “act” with Willie Brown, so get your minds out of the gutter – was deciding to snub Bibi Netanyahu.  That’s going to play well in Dearborn, with the ululating, “death to America” crowd, and with the Squad/jihadi caucus in the House, but elsewhere? 

Great job, Que Mala.    

Big Biden donor John Morgan might have said it best – by the way, hang your head in shame for giving that decrepit grifter money, John – when he claimed that, “Joe’s endorsement of Kamala is his f**k you to all who pushed him out. Be careful what you wish for.”  

If that’s true, I’ve got to say something that I never thought I would, seriously and without my tongue in my cheek: Great job, Joe! That’s a sweet move on your way out the door, because it gives all the lying hypocrites who stabbed you in the back a perfect dose of karmic justice. 

Don’t get me wrong, Joe: you’re all a bunch of political scorpions in an identity-politics bottle, and you all deserve each other, and the electoral disaster that I pray is about to descend upon your party.  Still, why should the rest of those rats be able to escape from the sinking ship they just tossed you off? 

But look at the bright side.  When Trump debates Que Mala and she opens up a whole word salad bar, you will be able to enjoy watching him re-use one of the lines that helped end your campaign: “I really don’t know what [she] said at the end of that sentence.  I don’t think [she] knows what [she] said either.”     

Hamas delenda est!

The Incredible Aftermath of Biden’s Stepping Down (posted 7/22/24)

Well, I certainly picked an event-filled week to go off the grid – or at least semi-off the grid – for a week’s trip up north to see my family.  I haven’t even gotten a chance to keep up on the CO site (!) though I dipped in from time to time.

I didn’t see any of the GOP convention live, although I saw a lot of clips and highlights, and I’ve had a chance to listen to a week’s worth of my top 4 political podcasts during my 17-hour drive home, so I think I’ve got a pretty good sense of the goings-on. 

Of course the latest bombshell is that Biden’s campaign is now officially as defunct as his neural synapses have been for, oh, call it at least 4 years now. 

We’ll all be dissecting the total upheaval in the campaign for a while, but I’ve got at least a few fragmented, end-of-a-long-drive thoughts from off the top of my head:

First, there are a lot more Joe Biden jokes I’ve half composed that will now go to waste.  I’d been looking forward to seeing how many variations of “settle it at the battle box” I could work into future columns.  (Early contenders were “butter box” and “bottle box,” but “bullet box” would have had to wait.  Because: too soon.) 

I did have one brainstorm that can still work, though.  You know how they put together those “In Memoriam” segments every year at the Oscars, honoring the Hollywood types who have died in the past year? 

I thought that I could create one of those for Biden, and get some tech wizard in CO nation to hack into the convention site in Chicago and play it on the big screen during the convention. 

Just a taste: a black screen appears as “Adagio for Strings” plays mournfully, then a black-and-white montage of Biden falling up mobile airport stairs and over sandbags and off of bicycles, and wandering around stages and shaking hands with ghosts goes on for a few minutes.  At the end the camera moves through a cemetery, finally coming to rest on a tombstone with “Joseph Robinette Biden, 1843-2024” carved on it.  Below that, the epitaph: “Never underestimate Joe’s ability to f**k things up,” Barack Obama    

It would have been funnier right before Joe made his “speech” accepting the nomination, but I think it can still work.

I know Joe is in for the ridiculously unearned hagiography treatment at the convention.  He’ll be hailed as a Washington-esque figure, praised for voluntarily giving up the campaign as a moving act of self-sacrifice on behalf of a grateful nation. 

Rather than the truth: he’s always been a small-time grifter who bumbled into the WH after a rigged primary and a hiding-in-the-basement rigged campaign in 2020, and was preparing to stumble in again, courtesy of MSM malfeasance and a scorched-earth lawfare campaign against Trump.  Until he forgot to take his special blend of Red Bull, amphetamines and lion testosterone extract before the debate, and accidentally revealed to us the centenarian behind the curtain.

And then the polls went south and the money spigot was closed, and suddenly all of his co-grifters were hustling him to the door and handing him his hat and a one-way ticket to Palookaville. 

Or at least Malarkey-ville.  

But before he goes, they’ll give him a send-off at the convention.  And how funny would it be if he was sitting there on the edge of falling asleep when my pirate “In Memoriam” presentation started playing all over the hall?

Good times.

Anyway… (as Joe might say)… we’re now facing a whole new election, and we need to keep pouring it on, and taking nothing for granted.  My modest proposal would be to spend the bulk of Elon’s $45 million per month on an army of lawyers and poll watchers in all of the battleground states – I’ve been reliably informed that that’s where they keep the battle boxes – to do everything possible to stop the steal this time.  

I’m really glad that Biden endorsed Que Mala (#neverunderestimateJoe’sability…), because that choice has got to have the smartest Dem pols pulling their hair out.  She’s the only person in this hemisphere with lower poll ratings than Joe, and I’m sure the power-brokers didn’t want to go through the humiliating process of lying for and then knifing Joey Gaffes in public, just to replace him with someone almost as likely to lose as he was!

And it warmed my heart to see the beginnings of a painful lefty-on-lefty civil war breaking out almost immediately. 

On one side are the pols and celebrities who immediately jumped on the Que Mala bandwagon: Slick Willy and the Pantsuit; super-villain Soros; Juicy Booty and the Squad (worst bar band ever!); Grandma Squanto Warren; Ken-Doll Newsom; plus professional pretendians including DeNiro, Middler, Ruffalo, etc. 

Even Jim Clyburn – who five minutes ago was “Ridin’ with Biden” is now all, “Scare us with Harris.”   

On the other side is the Obamas, Schumer, Jeffries, the NY Times Editorial Board, and Imhotep “Aiieee! The mummy lives!  Kill it with fire!” Pelosi.  And, presumably, all suitably Machiavellian Dems, who can’t believe their co-religionists actually want to replace the Mumbler with the Cackler.  (Worst Batman villains ever!)

Hopefully this will shape up as the political equivalent of the Iran-Iraq war, in which both sides are so awful that we can just hope for protracted fighting and lots of casualties all around. 

Can you remember a wilder campaign season ever?  One month ago Biden was cruising toward a coronation convention; we were wondering whether he would really show up for any debates; the only assassination attempts on Trump were aimed at his character, and none of us had ever heard of Butler, PA.  Trump didn’t have a running mate, SCOTUS hadn’t ruled on immunity or nuked Jack Smith’s appointment, and nobody knew that the head of the Secret Service was a DEI incompetent, or worse.   

And all of this has changed in what feels like the blink of an eye! 

I guess Que Mala was right. 

There really is a great significance to the passage of time!

Hamas delenda est!

Thoughts on the Aftermath of Trump’s Near-Assassination (posted 7/15/24)

The firehose of news since Saturday’s failed assassination attempt has been disorienting.  It’s hard for me to even remember how different the world and the political landscape looked only three weeks ago.  Biden’s debate collapse and the resulting firestorm of unprecedented chaos on the left completely upended what had already felt like a volatile, crucial, turning-point election.  

And then Trump comes with an inch of being murdered, and all hell breaks loose. 

As usual, the CO site has been a good place to come to sort it all out.  CO has offered insightful and wry posts, the COSE has said what many of us were thinking, and the reactions of CO nation have run the gamut, giving voice to all of the conflicting emotions that we’re all cycling through.

For me, the surreal feeling on Saturday was compounded because I am toward the end of reading the true story of another assassination attempt on another American president – one I should have known about, but didn’t.  

The First Conspiracy: The Secret Plot to Kill George Washington, by Brad Meltzer and Josh Mensch tells the story of a plot that unfolded in the late spring and summer of 1776, during the run-up to the British navy arriving in force in NYC for the first big battle of the Revolutionary War. 

NY Governor William Tryon and NYC mayor David Matthews were both enemies of Washington and the revolution, and they funded and led the plot.  (Just as today, NY and NYC have been plagued by terrible governors and mayors, apparently.)  The conspiracy was widespread, and involved many loyalist citizens, some Continental soldiers, and most shockingly, Washington’s own housekeeper and a small number of his own elite force of “life guards.”  (Basically, our new nation’s first iteration of what would one day become our secret service protection teams.)

Watching the story of an unfolding assassination attempt in real time, nearly 250 years later, was very strange.  Even with all of the obvious differences between our colonial beginnings and today, the sense of fate turning on the smallest of issues – a shooter inexplicably getting so close to a president, a fortuitus turn of a head – and disaster narrowly averted echoes from that tumultuous time to this.

Washington’s religious views could be semi-opaque at times, but he always spoke of Providence guiding him through the war years, and never so much as during the summer of 1776.  And it’s easy for me to see that same Providence at work this weekend.

I’ve still got a lot of negative emotions to work through.  After years of lies, demonization and Hitler/Trump comparisons, we don’t hate the media enough, for example.  I’m appalled by the hypocrisy of the left, as they turned on a dime from throwing everything but the kitchen sink at us, to lecturing us about our need to “lower the temperature.” 

But I’m going to do my best to focus on the many positive things to come out of this weekend, starting with the immense relief and actual joy that comes from surviving such a shockingly close call.   I’ve always loved Churchill’s quote to the effect that, “Nothing is more exhilarating than being shot at without result.”

But today I think he was only half right.  Because for Trump and for us, that quote must be revised: “Nothing is more exhilarating than being shot at and losing only the tip of your ear instead of your life!”

Even now, thinking of what might have happened, of how close we came to disaster, takes your breath away.  Today, I’m the biggest fan of Providence – or as I call it, “Pater, Filius, et Spiritus Sanctus”– of any roving correspondents you know.

But for me, it’s not just a deep and abiding gratitude that is warming my heart.  Because as another philosopher (first name: Conan) once noted, some of the finer things in life are also, “To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their press-titutes.” (I have paraphrased, loosely.)

I’m not thinking of the good and decent Democrats in this country – and there are many out there, and we need to remember that.  Those people have to be grateful that Trump survived, even as they recognize the political boost his close call will give him.

But it’s not those decent Dems I’m thinking about.  It’s the creepy, hysterical, malevolent and Machiavellian Dems I’m thinking about.  And I am imagining with great schadenfreude their frustration and impotent fury today. 

Because really: they spied on him, they launched conspiracies against him, they rigged the 2020 election to get rid of him.  Then they saw him coming back, so they deployed transparently illegitimate and corrupt lawfare cases against him, and they even got 34 bogus convictions that will be overturned after the election is over.

And the more they smeared and fought dirty against him, the better his polls got.  Then their candidate reveals his own fragility and dementia – and their own shameful, years-long coverup of same – at the 11th hour, sending them scrambling to find a desperate, last-minute solution that involves stumbling through a political-landmine-filled landscape.

And then, on a sunny Saturday, they hear the breaking news: somebody has shot Trump!  And it sounds like it was a head shot!  Maybe their decades of devotion to Satan and all of his dark ministers throughout the hoary underworld (including Slick Willy, Anthony Weiner and Hunter, and their consorts in the whore-y overworld) are finally going to pay off, and their great Orange nemesis will be neutralized at last!

Annnnndddd… it turns out the bullet grazed his ear, and he popped right back up, gave the fist-pump heard around the world, and within 30 minutes the first of a million memes appeared to troll his leftist haters.  (My favorite so far: Trump’s mugshot superimposed over the words, “Missed me, b*tch!”)

Oh, the sweetness of it all.  Their most hated foe cheated fate by an inch, literally.  And in a way that makes the most perfect, campaign-bolstering photo op in human history! 

If the bullet had missed him, the commie conspiracy theorists would have denied that any bullets were fired, or at least that any of them had come within a mile of him.  He was never in any real danger, and he’s lying about the whole thing, which he probably staged!

But no. The bullet dramatically grazed his ear. Which, as Uncle Jesus would have it – sorry, I mean “as Providence would have it” — is filled with blood vessels, which can produce a lot of blood without threatening someone’s life the way a sliced femoral artery or jugular would.  But the blood can produce an amazing, visceral picture.

Did I mention that as the inevitable photos were being snapped, there was an American flag right behind him?! 

So you’ve got a white guy with light-colored hair, bleeding dramatic, scarlet blood, under a perfect blue sky, framed beneath Old Glory, rippling in the wind!   

How upset were the deranged goons at the New York Times at that image?  They digitally removed the flag from their photo.  I’m not making that up!  They photoshopped their own picture to make it less iconic.

Which is just an epic self-own, and a delicious echo of their shameful past as pro-Stalinist propagandists.  Just like Stalin used to crudely doctor pictures to “erase” comrades who had fallen out of favor, the NY Times is now doctoring photos to erase the American flag, which has never been too highly favored at the Times.

Especially when it looks great in a photo, and helps Trump. 

Note: I’m now on the road in TN to see mom and sis, and will be up in Illinois for several days to hang with the cousins, before heading back and spending some pre-birthday time with mom.  I probably won’t be writing a Friday column, unless I just can’t help it!

Hamas delenda est!

Diagnosing Biden’s Maladies by a Doctor, + an English Prof (posted 7/12/24)

What’s a roving correspondent to say after last night?  CO already said everything I was thinking, and by now you’ve read many other takes on Biden’s performance.  In times like these I wonder what I can contribute to the flood of talking points and counter-points that fill our media.

Sure, I can sometimes bring a little value-added humor to political analysis.  For example, a few columns ago I made a joke juxtaposing “mens rea” and “men’s room” that I’m confident you’ve never heard on MSNBC or Fox.  And where else are you going to see hundreds of references with fresh twists on the “Pelosi is a mummy,” “Liz Warren thinks she’s an Indian,” and “AOC is obsessed with the alleged juiciness of her own booty” tropes? 

Nowhere, is my guess.

But I also appreciate it when pundits bring some field-specific expertise to their public commentary.  In the case of Joe Biden’s obvious difficulties, for example, I want to hear from doctors.  (I’m not looking at you, “Dr.” Jill.  You’re not fooling anybody.)

Most physicians abide by what’s often called “the Goldwater rule,” which discourages them from diagnosing famous people whom they’ve never examined.  Fortunately for all of us, NBC found board-certified neurologist Dr. Tom Pitts.  And his motto is apparently, “Goldwater, Schmoldwater.” 

Because he gave an interview on Monday in which he was all over Biden’s condition like Michael Moore on a comically oversized turkey leg. 

Pitts said that the Cadaver in Chief has all the classic features of Parkinson’s: rigidity of posture, slow-movement kinesia, hypophonia (a small, monotone voice), etc.  When the poor NBC questioner tried to push back – he actually cited the phantom childhood stutter! – and posited that Parkinson’s could be difficult to diagnose, Pitt wasn’t having it. 

He insisted, “I could have diagnosed him from across the mall!”

Which reminds me: George Clooney – who is not only not a neurologist, he’s barely literate –diagnosed Biden too, saying that he “just wasn’t there” at the big fundraiser three weeks ago. 

Of course, that didn’t stop Clooney from helping to raise millions of dollars for Chauncey Robinette Gardiner.  And it didn’t prevent him from keeping his big stupid mouth shut about Biden’s impending collapse…until after it happened in front of everyone at the debate.

“Hey Martin,” you might be asking, “what’s with your vitriol directed at George Clooney?  You’re not still bitter because he edged you out for Sexiest Man of the Year that one time, are you?”

I won’t dignify that accusation with a response.

Anyway, I’m not a doctor like Tom Pitts.  And I’m not a former Sexiest Man of the Year, like hypocrite George Clooney or narcissist Idris Elba.  (And no, coming in a very close second to both of them in different years doesn’t make me feel any better.  If high school football taught me anything, it’s that second place is first loser.  Which is why after all of these years, not one member of the CO Nation has asked me, “Hey Martin, weren’t you the runner-up Sexiest Man of the Year several times?”)

(And no, don’t ask me now.  It’s too late!)       

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

I’m not a doctor, so I can’t bring you that kind of a specialist’s diagnosis.  But as an English professor I can provide a linguistic diagnosis.  Which I will now do, and you’re welcome in advance.

(And for all of you who had “fascinating grammar talk” on your Bingo card of topics to be covered on the CO site today, say it with Hans Landa: “That’s a bingo!”)

The following paragraph is a verbatim transcript of one of Biden’s answers during his George Stephanopoulos interview.  In it, he argues why he’s the right presidential choice for the Dems:

“And who’s going to be able to hold NATO together like me? Who’s going to be able to be in a position where I’m able to keep the Pacific Basin in a position where — which at least checkmating China now? Who’s going to — who’s going to do that? Who has that reach? Who has — who knows all these — we’re going to have — I guess a good way to judge me is you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the United States next week. Come listen. See what they say.”

This is me, shaking my head, and taking another slug of medicinal bourbon.  Now let’s take this mess apart:

“And who’s going to be able to hold NATO together like me?”  That might not be as effective a rhetorical question as he hoped – many people immediately think “Anyone else!” as an answer – but hey, that’s a grammatically complete sentence, so he’s off to a good start.

“Who’s going to be able to be in a position where I’m able to keep the Pacific Basin in a position where — which at least checkmating China now?”

Annnnddddd… then he falls off a grammatical table.  This isn’t a sentence. The repetition of “in a position” is odd, and the first instance is nonsensical, since nobody else could be in a position “where [Biden] is able to” do something.  And there is no noun subject for the verb “checkmating.”

“Who’s going to — who’s going to do that?”  The “that” is a textbook example of unclear pronoun reference.

“Who has that reach?” Since the previous sentence had an unclear reference, the point here is equally unclear.  Also, even though we don’t know what you mean here, we all sense that the answer to your repetition of “Who’s going to…” is always and forever the same: ANYBODY ELSE!

“Who has — who knows all these — we’re going to have — I guess a good way to judge me is you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the United States next week. Come listen. See what they say.”

Wow.  This one starts with three straight beginnings of what could be complete thoughts – they each have a subject and a predicate – but they are all interrupted, and thus are missing an essential thing.  “Who has… (something)?”  “Who knows all these… (other things)?” “We’re going to have… (yet other, still not designated things).”

And Biden can’t get away with saying his favorite phrase: “You know, you know the thing.”  Because to paraphrase Trump two weeks ago, “I don’t understand what things he was just referring to, and I don’t think he does either.”

Biden’s fourth abortive start in this sentence is (mercifully) the last: “I guess a good way to judge me is…” – your guess is as good as ours at this point – “…you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the US next week.”

D’oh!  Stating that there will be a conference next week does not complete the set-up promising a good method of judging you.  Also, “now” is the present, and “next week” is in the future.  So you can see how those are different.

He ends with two grammatically correct, imperative sentences: “Come listen.  See what they say.” Both of those sentences are right in Joe’s wheelhouse, syntactically speaking, because they are very short, which means fewer things to screw up.  They’ve even got understood subjects (You), which is one less thing to go wrong in both sentences.

Unfortunately, they’ve still got a pronoun – a “they” that will supposedly be saying something – but without a clear referent in sight.  (Not to mention the fact that over the last several years, Biden has many times responded to questions about his fitness to serve with the challenge, “Watch me.”  We have watched you, Joe.  That’s why your approval ratings are down there among kidney stones, testicular cancer and Que Mala.)

This grammar lesson has been brought to you by the letter “W.”

As in, “WTF??”

Now, by the power vested in me by the diploma-granting universities where I matriculated and from which I graduated, I offer my linguistic diagnosis of the man who produced the answer above: The patient is clearly non compos mentis, with marked syntactic dysregulation, frequent train-of-thought derailment, and severe grammatical nonsensicality. 

Also, “cuckoo fried chicken.”

My professional recommendations:  Retain him as the Democrats’ candidate for president for the next four months (because they deserve each other), while keeping him out of public sight and away from sharp objects, staircases, bicycles, sandbags, microphones and cameras.  Then, in January, transport him to a care facility with a large and well-trained staff who can keep him comfortable for the rest of his days.

Or possibly weeks. 

Months, tops.

Hamas delenda est!

A Brief Observation Before Biden’s NATO Speech and Press Conference on July 11th (posted 7/11/24)

For two weeks now it’s been hilarious to watch many of the top Dems squirming, and pretending that they want to wait until this weekend to see how Biden does with his press conference and talking to NATO, when all they’re really doing is waiting for enough new polling to come in and tell how much damage the debate did to the entire Democrat party.

The funniest performance has been put in by the creme de la crap of this bad bunch, everyone’s favorite mummified Californian, Imhotep Pelosi.  On Monday, Biden’s handlers put out the clearest and most unequivocal letter (and subsequent statements) ever: he’s not leaving the race, the conversation is over.

But Pelosi and company have both fingers in their ears, pretending that they didn’t hear that part about the conversation being over:

Biden: I’m definitely staying in the race.

Pelosi: I’ll support whatever the president decides to do.

Biden: Good, because I’ve decided.  I’m in it to win it.

Pelosi: We just need to be patient, and give the president time to make up his mind.

Biden: My mind is made up!  I’m in.  Conversation over!

Pelosi:  These kinds of conversations are the heart of democracy.  They are a chance for a president to really search his heart—

Biden: Not necessary.  My heart stopped beating in 2019.  But I’m still all-in!

Pelosi (pretending not to notice): …and after careful and studious deliberation, let everyone know what course he has chosen.

Biden:  I’ve deliberated.  I’ve studied. The part of my mind that is not gone is made up!  I am the nominee, and I’m going to move forward – in very small, very shaky steps, and with the empty-headed cackling wench somebody picked for me as a running mate – all the way to election day.  I am totally, utterly, 100% committed.  I’m staying in!

Pelosi: No rush.  Take your time.

And, scene.

Man-o-manischewitz, if our country wasn’t in danger with this doofus “in charge,” this would be the funniest Keystone cops routine ever. 

Hamas Delenda est!

Trump Was Already President Once, + Lefties’ Insistence on Controlling Language (posted 7/10/24)

I’m not going to focus on Joe Biden in this column, as tempting as that is.  Because I am a well-raised Midwesterner, and have been taught not to speak ill of the dead.

Instead, I’d like to address what seems like the Left’s main strategy for this election: issuing dire warnings about the impending doomsday that will surely befall the nation if Trump wins in November.

When I heard the first Democrat or MSM empty head say that – I can’t remember who it was, since there have been so many – I thought it was the most desperate and stupid thing I’d ever heard.  Not just because it’s transparently false, but because it couldn’t possibly work.

During the 2016 campaign that was at least a plausible strategy.  Because of Trump’s wild, undisciplined talk and lack of a political track record, people could rightly worry about how he’d perform in office.  Would he really try to lock Hillary up?  Who knew?

Many conservatives shared my concerns that Trump might actually be a RINO in a fighter’s disguise.  He had been a lifelong Democrat, worked closely with and donated to Dems all over NY, was pro-choice, etc.  (Of course I was thrilled when he turned out to be mostly conservative, especially during his first three years in office and before the covid/Fauci problem hurt him.)

But now, after he served four years with very good results (again, excepting the unprecedented pandemic year), it doesn’t make sense to try to scare the voters with a hypothetical. There’s a reason that he got 11 million more votes in 2020 than he had in 2016!  People saw what he did, and they saw the results, and they liked most of it.

But the Dems can’t give it up.  DeNiro’s hysterical comment is typical: “If he ever gets elected, he will never leave!” 

He did get elected, you mook!  And he left! 

The example that has stuck in my mind came from Bill Maher, a reasonably smart, obnoxious lefty who has been at least intermittently sane this election cycle.  He’s very well-informed about politics, but he still has giant blind spots which demonstrate that he only follows lefty “news” sources, and thus is actually badly misinformed about many issues.

For example, Maher apparently believes that the small group of unarmed January 6th protestors were a serious insurrectionist threat, and that all of the protestors were violent would-be usurpers, all evidence to the contrary! 

When he did a show with Dave Rubin last year, he also insisted that Hillary never denied that Trump had won the election or called him an “illegitimate president” dozens and dozens of times.  I don’t think he was lying about that: he really did not know.

He must have gotten trolled about that enough that he now knows that she did that, which means that she is as much of an “election denier” as Trump is.  (And with much less justification!)

But just a few months ago, with Megyn Kelly, he was right back at it.  This time, he drew a big distinction that hinged on the word “concede,” arguing that Hillary conceded her election loss while Trump never did.  When Kelly brought up her dozens of “illegitimate prez” claims over the succeeding years, he dove right back in, insisting that the morning after the election Hillary conceded that Trump won.  And he repeatedly charged that Trump has never done so.

I guess you can say that there’s two ways to “concede” an election: verbally, and through your actions.  And I don’t understand anybody who values the former over the latter.  Many politicians insist that they were cheated, and that they actually won.  (I’m looking at you, Stacy Abrams.) 

Some of them might even have a case.  (I’m NOT looking at you, Stacy Abrams.)  But who cares what they say, as long as they leave?

I don’t mind that Abrams has insisted for years that she won the GA governor’s race.  In fact, it’s been pretty entertaining to watch.  But on inauguration day, she was at home eating a gallon of ice cream with a comically over-sized ladle (I’m guessing), watching Kemp take the oath of office.  

The same applies to 2016.  Hillary verbally conceded one time, the morning after the election, and then she spent the last 8 years taking it back, and insisting that she won.  Good.  That makes me smile, every time. 

Trump never said the words, “I lost,” because in his heart (and in many, many people’s opinion) it’s not true.  But after telling people to peacefully protest and mounting a legal but ineffective court challenge, he left office. 

That seems to mean nothing to Maher.  When Kelly pointed out that Trump left office, he repeatedly returned to the mantra of “he never conceded!”

 It’s a weird mental and verbal tic that I’ve noticed a lot of lefties have: insisting that people SAY what they demand, regardless of their actions.  You see it in many contexts. 

For example, when the left was pushing for gay marriage, conservatives and moderates offered a compromise: let’s grant gay people all the legal rights of marriage, but just call it a “civil union.” 

Activists had pointed out the unfair treatment of gay partners – they sometimes couldn’t be admitted as “family” to hospitals when a partner was dying, they couldn’t automatically inherit or get the same tax benefits as a spouse did, etc.  Establishing legal civil unions would remedy all of those concerns, but without applying the verbiage of “marriage,” which had for time immemorial been applied only to male/female relationships.

And that was unacceptable to the left.

The same is true of all of the insane battles over pronouns.  You can be a hulking dude with a full beard and an erection, and call yourself Suzie Snowflake for all we care.  But you can’t force people to call you a woman, and address you as “she.” 

This isn’t just a trivial linguistic quirk, but a core distinguishing attribute of the quasi-totalitarian left, IMO.  It’s not enough for them to be given equal rights or tolerance.  We must be forced to submit and acknowledge the rightness of their position.  Thus you get the giant guy in a dress in a convenience store, sounding like James Earl Jones, when a harried clerk called him “sir”: “It’s ma’am.  It’s MA’AM!”

Maher’s position is essentially the same.  It doesn’t matter that there’s a ton of evidence that the 2020 election was at the least rigged, or that Trump had good reason for believing so, or that he voluntarily left office.  He must say the words.  He must be FORCED to say the words!

And somehow Maher and many on the left feel like they are the put-upon victims, and Trump is the authoritarian bully and threat.  What must it be like to live in that kind of distortion field every day of your life?

To sum up:

A man is not a woman, and you can’t make us say that.

“Ze” and “Zir” are not pronouns, and you can’t make us say them. 

Trump was already president, and he wasn’t Orange Hitler, and the country did just fine, and you can’t scare us with your hysterical warnings about what didn’t happen before, and won’t happen again.

Hamas delenda est!

Are Trump’s “Lies” Like Leftist Lies? (posted 7/8/24)

As I am writing this well after midnight on Sunday, it looks like Biden is going to be forced out of the race.  Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon.  

The Biden family and their closest hangers-on have circled the wagons, but the howling mob of feckless media and Liz Warrens are firing more and more arrows their way. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

And on the inside they’ve got… non-Dr. Jill (“The patient is fine, everything’s fine.  He answered all the questions!”)  Oh, and also Hunter.  Which isn’t great, because when you’re surrounded by aggressive opponents you need crack shots, not crack heads.

Meanwhile, the hypocritical chutzpah of the MSM knows no bounds.  Two small-time radio hosts are in trouble because they admitted that within the last week, Biden’s team sent them pre-arranged questions to ask Biden during radio interviews.  One of the hosts was fired, and the media is in a huff, shocked – Shocked, I tells ya! – that “journalists” would collude with a Democrat candidate!

(Remember that time when CNN hack Donna Brazile admitted to giving Hillary the debate questions beforehand?  And you can watch her right now on ABC News!)

Another good example is this Breitbart headline from Saturday: “Hollywood Donors Rage at Katzenberg for Convincing Them Biden Wasn’t Too Old to Run.”

CONVINCING them!

The sub-head is even better: “People Are Pissed, They Feel Betrayed”

Yes!  Katzenberg pulled the wool over their eyes and convinced them, and now they feel betrayed. 

I can see it now.  They’re all sitting around a long table in a conference room, yelling in righteous anger:

“You told us that Biden was the best Biden ever, and that he was in great shape and at the top of his game.  We held debate-viewing parties expected him to show up with a towering intellect and rapier wit, as well as the youthful virility and animal magnetism of a Martin Simpson-esque figure!  And out totters the Crypt Keeper?  You betrayed us!”

They’re a bunch of image-obsessed people in an image-conscious business, yet they want us to believe that they never noticed Biden’s physical decrepitude and mental infirmity over the last four years?  The evidence was all around them, piled as high as human excrement in the streets of San Francisco, but they somehow managed to overlook it.

Even when it came in the form of Robert Hur’s sobering report, and the transcripts that backed it up. Hur testified about the evidence that Biden was guilty of retaining and disclosing classified materials, and that he was only refraining from charging Biden because he thought that a jury might resist convicting because Biden lacked “mens rea,” Latin for “guilty mind.” 

This legal concept involves the diminished capacity of a defendant, and is sometimes paraphrased in our system along the lines of, “Did/does the defendant understand that he was doing something wrong when he committed the crime?”

But everyone with functioning eyes – including those Hollywood liars – could see that Biden lacks “mens rea.”  Along with “mens vivi” (a living mind) and “mens muneris” (a functioning mind).

Even more troubling, during his meeting with the Pope, he also lacked a “mens room.”  (HA!)

It’s gotten so bad that even Rob Reiner is out.  After still defending Biden last week, Reiner put out a tweet yesterday calling for Biden to step down.  My favorite part of the tweet is the first sentence: “It’s time to stop f***ing around.” 

NOW, Rob?  You’ve been “F-ing” around on this planet for 77 years, and NOW it’s time to stop? (I can hear Archie saying it now, “Stifle yourself, Meathead!”

When you’ve lost Meathead, it’s really Joe-ver.

The Biden team’s only argument about the debacle that has gotten any traction – by which I mean the MSM has taken it up and repeated it shamelessly – is that Trump lied so, SO much during the debate.  Which is infuriating, in the context in which every understandable word out of Biden’s mouth was dishonest.

Sure, Trump tells lies.  Like all politicians, and like all of us.  But from the first days of his administration, I’ve been aggravated by the mismatch between the way the MSM talks about Trump’s “lies” vs. Democrat lies. 

Most of Trump’s lies are exaggerations (his inauguration had the biggest crowd in the history of earth, he had the safest border in the history of the country), or half-truths (nobody thought Roe was a good decision), and many of them are about petty/trivial issues (Does anybody believe that his WH accurately reported his weight, or that he just won a non-senior club golf championship?)

A lot of his “lies” are bombastic generalizations of an accurate statement.  (Saying “we had the best environmental numbers ever,” isn’t checkable; saying “everybody in the world respected us” cannot be literally true, etc.)

And many of Trump’s lies are actually Democrat lies about what he said.  He didn’t tell people to inject bleach to fight covid, he didn’t call Nazis “very fine people,” etc.

Compare those to the lies told by Dems that the MSM never seems to notice. 

Obama rammed through a partisan health care plan impacting 1/6th of the economy on two monumental lies: if you like your doctor and your health plan, you can keep both under Obamacare. 

The repeated Democrat lies about the Russian hoax hampered Trump’s administration for years.  The Hunter laptop Russian disinformation lie may have changed the outcome of the close election in 2020.  Constant lies about race – cops kill tens of thousands of unarmed, innocent blacks every year; the 1619 project; there is institutional racism everywhere – have poisoned race relations.

And the MSM lie that is unraveling right now – that Joe Biden is a mentally and physically healthy man capable of being a competent president – has to be the most consequential lie of the last decade, at least.

This double standard has always been aggravating, but a comment I heard on a podcast over the weekend really crystallized the issue for me.

Regular readers know that I am a language nerd.  Connotations of different words can be crucial, and I really value searching until you find just the right word.   As a fan of the late, great Norm MacDonald and other great comedians, I see this in comedy as much as in politics.

I’m thinking of an old Chris Rock bit in which he heard someone say that Biggie Smalls and Tupac were “assassinated.”  Rock said – and if you know his stuff, you can hear him spitting out each word — “JFK was assassinated.  Martin Luther King was assassinated.  Them [N words] got SHOT!”    

I thought about that bit yesterday when I heard a disillusioned liberal on Joe Rogan’s show going off on what hypocrites Dems are for calling Trump a liar while they excuse all of Biden’s lies.  He said that Biden is a total liar, while Trump is just a “bullshi**er.”

That clicked.  It’s the right word.

I think Trump is much more than that; he can actually be a very strong communicator.  (During and after the 2016 election, Scott Adams wrote some very insightful analysis about this strength of Trump’s, and how the arrogant left had missed it.)  

But he definitely mixes in a lot of a salesman’s puffery.  And his loose and undisciplined way of speaking often gives his enemies ammunition, as when he uses schoolyard insults, or threatened to put Hillary in jail if he won.

On the other hand, which is worse: sarcastically threatening to be a “dictator for a day” and joking about locking up his opponents, while not doing it?  Or actually behaving like a quasi-dictator?

(As Obama did when, after admitting dozens of times that he cannot lawfully change immigration laws on his own, did just that.  Or as Biden did when he tried to force millions of Americans to take an untested vaccine, stuck the public with billions of unconstitutionally “forgiven” student loans, and unilaterally opened our borders.)

I can hear Chris Rock saying it in my head:

“Trump might be a bullshi**er.  But those guys are LIARS!”

Hamas delenda est!

Zogby’s Wacky Plan, and Why Biden Must Stay in the Race (posted 7/5/24)

I hope everybody in CO nation had a good Independence Day!

It was a very low-key one here; my wife and I walked to the nearby campus where they have fireworks on the 3rd.  We were planning to drive to a nearby small town and see the fireworks there on the 4th, but after I spent a day on a carpentry project and my wife was feeling a little under the weather, we stayed in and watched the fireworks from NYC and DC on tv.

I also recorded a two-part bio of Reagan, because I’m nostalgic for the days when we had a solid, competent president.  I’m going to watch that after I post this column, and remember better days.

I’ve always loved the Fourth, and after a lifetime of only seeing small town fireworks – which are just fine by me, generally – Karen and I talked about going up to DC to see next year’s fireworks on the Mall.  If Trump wins in November, we’ve decided we’re going to be on the Mall a year from today, and check that item off our bucket list.

If Biden or his replacement wins, the idea of going to DC is a little too dispiriting to contemplate right now.  But in the meantime, I’m finding humor where I can, which means that I’m enjoying the Democrat disarray while it lasts.

Just looking at random headlines must be horrifying – and deservedly so – for those knuckleheads.    In the middle of a spate of stories of big blue city papers calling for Joey Gaffes to step down, I saw an editorial out of Atlanta saying that “it’s time for Biden to pass the torch.”

Really?  Everybody knows that that guy couldn’t hold onto a torch, let alone pass it.  Even if he could, would you want fire anywhere near him?  He already walks like Frankenstein.  Do you remember how Frankenstein reacted to torches and fire?

Even scarier?  The White House on Wednesday declared that Que Mala Harris is “the future of the Democratic party.” 

Yikes!  Their present is the most decrepit guy from the most decrepit wing of the nursing home, and their future is cackling inanity.  No bueno.

More hilarity comes from a different corner, in the form of new strategy from James Zogby, leftist brother of pollster John Zogby.  If you haven’t heard of James, two facts about him will tell you all you need to know: he worked on Jesse Jackson’s campaigns for president in the 1980s, and commie fossil Bernie Sanders picked him to work on the Democratic Party’s platform in 2016

Now, after what sounds like a lifetime of bad political choices, James has sent a memo to DNC Chairman Jaime Harrison about how to potentially go about replacing Biden, and it’s a beautiful political Rube Goldberg scheme. 

It would have Biden announcing that he’s not seeking re-election (good luck with that!) and then praising Que Mala but NOT naming her as his successor (seriously, good luck!)  “This would kick off a one-month process, during which presidential hopefuls would vie for the support of the DNC’s voting members. Those participating would need the support of 40 voting members to become an official DNC candidate.”

In other words, he’s proposing to shove crack-head Hunter and non-Dr. Jill aside and pry Joe Biden’s cold, dead hands off the presidency, then knife the first non-white, non-male VP, and then retreat to a smoke-filled room from which party bosses would emerge with a candidate whom no voter had a hand in choosing.

Because: Democracy!

It would be just like Tammany Hall, only with pot smoke replacing the cigar smoke in the room where the nefarious deals were being made. 

The kicker – which I could not make up, even with my fertile imagination – is that Zogby is pitching these corrupt, secretive machinations as follows: “The central idea is to create a process that is open, transparent, and energizing, while, at the same time, legitimate and democratic.”

Good lord!  It’s amazing that Zogby’s pants aren’t as engulfed in flames as Biden would be if he  tried to pass an actual torch to Que Mala!

Listen, James, you dopes had a ready-made “process that is open, transparent… legitimate and democratic.”  [Engage Sam Kinison filter:] It’s called “a PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY!! OH! OHHHH!! [End Kinison filter.]  And rather than letting it play out in legitimate ways, you corruptly rigged it, for the third straight time!   

When it looked like scary, radical great-great-grandpa Bernie might beat Cankles McPantsuit in 2016, the DNC rigged the outcome in her favor.  Then in 2020, when Bernie once again looked capable of beating Biden (in a far-left great-great-grandpa face-off), you rigged it for Biden. 

Thus we got the last four years of the Visiting Angels presidency.  (They’re America’s choice in home care!)

And just a few months ago – because you figured that since you’ve gotten the MSM to go along with your hiding of Biden’s dementia since 2020, why not stick with it? – you rigged your own primary AGAIN!  You wouldn’t allow any actual primary contest or debates, and you even set the rules so that any votes for RFK would not be counted.

And NOW, just because your emperor’s new clothes have been revealed as non-existent, you’d like to pull out an 11th-hour “legitimate, democratic” process?

Guess what, James?  You all are as naked as Brandon is.  And NOBODY wants to see that! 

I, for one, stand with our Cadaver in Chief.  He has the delegates, and thus the nomination, and I think he should cling to his office like grim death, if you’ll excuse the expression. 

You hang in there, Joe Biden!  You didn’t come this far – and live through a jail sentence with Nelson Mandela, and long nights on the road in your 18-wheeler, and a fierce battle with Corn Pop, not to mention your narrow escape from the ferocious cannibals who got ol’ uncle Appetizer – just to quit now!

With non-Dr. Jill behind you, and Hunter with his hand out, and Que Mala at your side, you’re just the guy to take on Orange Hitler!  Don’t believe the polls, and don’t listen to John Zogby.  Make your feckless party dance with the one who brung ‘em!

But don’t actually dance.  For the love of God, don’t try to dance.  In fact, just stay in the White House, take plenty of naps, and have Jill stop by right before Matlock, to tell you how well you’re doing.

Because you’re doing great, and you’re the candidate the Democrats deserve, so don’t you quit!

I’ll be back on Monday with several good news stories, including some analysis of the recent SCOTUS decisions that are causing wailing and gnashing of teeth in all the right lefty circles.

Hamas delenda est!