What’s a roving correspondent to say after last night? CO already said everything I was thinking, and by now you’ve read many other takes on Biden’s performance. In times like these I wonder what I can contribute to the flood of talking points and counter-points that fill our media.
Sure, I can sometimes bring a little value-added humor to political analysis. For example, a few columns ago I made a joke juxtaposing “mens rea” and “men’s room” that I’m confident you’ve never heard on MSNBC or Fox. And where else are you going to see hundreds of references with fresh twists on the “Pelosi is a mummy,” “Liz Warren thinks she’s an Indian,” and “AOC is obsessed with the alleged juiciness of her own booty” tropes?
Nowhere, is my guess.
But I also appreciate it when pundits bring some field-specific expertise to their public commentary. In the case of Joe Biden’s obvious difficulties, for example, I want to hear from doctors. (I’m not looking at you, “Dr.” Jill. You’re not fooling anybody.)
Most physicians abide by what’s often called “the Goldwater rule,” which discourages them from diagnosing famous people whom they’ve never examined. Fortunately for all of us, NBC found board-certified neurologist Dr. Tom Pitts. And his motto is apparently, “Goldwater, Schmoldwater.”
Because he gave an interview on Monday in which he was all over Biden’s condition like Michael Moore on a comically oversized turkey leg.
Pitts said that the Cadaver in Chief has all the classic features of Parkinson’s: rigidity of posture, slow-movement kinesia, hypophonia (a small, monotone voice), etc. When the poor NBC questioner tried to push back – he actually cited the phantom childhood stutter! – and posited that Parkinson’s could be difficult to diagnose, Pitt wasn’t having it.
He insisted, “I could have diagnosed him from across the mall!”
Which reminds me: George Clooney – who is not only not a neurologist, he’s barely literate –diagnosed Biden too, saying that he “just wasn’t there” at the big fundraiser three weeks ago.
Of course, that didn’t stop Clooney from helping to raise millions of dollars for Chauncey Robinette Gardiner. And it didn’t prevent him from keeping his big stupid mouth shut about Biden’s impending collapse…until after it happened in front of everyone at the debate.
“Hey Martin,” you might be asking, “what’s with your vitriol directed at George Clooney? You’re not still bitter because he edged you out for Sexiest Man of the Year that one time, are you?”
I won’t dignify that accusation with a response.
Anyway, I’m not a doctor like Tom Pitts. And I’m not a former Sexiest Man of the Year, like hypocrite George Clooney or narcissist Idris Elba. (And no, coming in a very close second to both of them in different years doesn’t make me feel any better. If high school football taught me anything, it’s that second place is first loser. Which is why after all of these years, not one member of the CO Nation has asked me, “Hey Martin, weren’t you the runner-up Sexiest Man of the Year several times?”)
(And no, don’t ask me now. It’s too late!)
Where was I? Oh yeah.
I’m not a doctor, so I can’t bring you that kind of a specialist’s diagnosis. But as an English professor I can provide a linguistic diagnosis. Which I will now do, and you’re welcome in advance.
(And for all of you who had “fascinating grammar talk” on your Bingo card of topics to be covered on the CO site today, say it with Hans Landa: “That’s a bingo!”)
The following paragraph is a verbatim transcript of one of Biden’s answers during his George Stephanopoulos interview. In it, he argues why he’s the right presidential choice for the Dems:
“And who’s going to be able to hold NATO together like me? Who’s going to be able to be in a position where I’m able to keep the Pacific Basin in a position where — which at least checkmating China now? Who’s going to — who’s going to do that? Who has that reach? Who has — who knows all these — we’re going to have — I guess a good way to judge me is you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the United States next week. Come listen. See what they say.”
This is me, shaking my head, and taking another slug of medicinal bourbon. Now let’s take this mess apart:
“And who’s going to be able to hold NATO together like me?” That might not be as effective a rhetorical question as he hoped – many people immediately think “Anyone else!” as an answer – but hey, that’s a grammatically complete sentence, so he’s off to a good start.
“Who’s going to be able to be in a position where I’m able to keep the Pacific Basin in a position where — which at least checkmating China now?”
Annnnddddd… then he falls off a grammatical table. This isn’t a sentence. The repetition of “in a position” is odd, and the first instance is nonsensical, since nobody else could be in a position “where [Biden] is able to” do something. And there is no noun subject for the verb “checkmating.”
“Who’s going to — who’s going to do that?” The “that” is a textbook example of unclear pronoun reference.
“Who has that reach?” Since the previous sentence had an unclear reference, the point here is equally unclear. Also, even though we don’t know what you mean here, we all sense that the answer to your repetition of “Who’s going to…” is always and forever the same: ANYBODY ELSE!
“Who has — who knows all these — we’re going to have — I guess a good way to judge me is you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the United States next week. Come listen. See what they say.”
Wow. This one starts with three straight beginnings of what could be complete thoughts – they each have a subject and a predicate – but they are all interrupted, and thus are missing an essential thing. “Who has… (something)?” “Who knows all these… (other things)?” “We’re going to have… (yet other, still not designated things).”
And Biden can’t get away with saying his favorite phrase: “You know, you know the thing.” Because to paraphrase Trump two weeks ago, “I don’t understand what things he was just referring to, and I don’t think he does either.”
Biden’s fourth abortive start in this sentence is (mercifully) the last: “I guess a good way to judge me is…” – your guess is as good as ours at this point – “…you’re going to have now the NATO conference in the US next week.”
D’oh! Stating that there will be a conference next week does not complete the set-up promising a good method of judging you. Also, “now” is the present, and “next week” is in the future. So you can see how those are different.
He ends with two grammatically correct, imperative sentences: “Come listen. See what they say.” Both of those sentences are right in Joe’s wheelhouse, syntactically speaking, because they are very short, which means fewer things to screw up. They’ve even got understood subjects (You), which is one less thing to go wrong in both sentences.
Unfortunately, they’ve still got a pronoun – a “they” that will supposedly be saying something – but without a clear referent in sight. (Not to mention the fact that over the last several years, Biden has many times responded to questions about his fitness to serve with the challenge, “Watch me.” We have watched you, Joe. That’s why your approval ratings are down there among kidney stones, testicular cancer and Que Mala.)
This grammar lesson has been brought to you by the letter “W.”
As in, “WTF??”
Now, by the power vested in me by the diploma-granting universities where I matriculated and from which I graduated, I offer my linguistic diagnosis of the man who produced the answer above: The patient is clearly non compos mentis, with marked syntactic dysregulation, frequent train-of-thought derailment, and severe grammatical nonsensicality.
Also, “cuckoo fried chicken.”
My professional recommendations: Retain him as the Democrats’ candidate for president for the next four months (because they deserve each other), while keeping him out of public sight and away from sharp objects, staircases, bicycles, sandbags, microphones and cameras. Then, in January, transport him to a care facility with a large and well-trained staff who can keep him comfortable for the rest of his days.
Or possibly weeks.
Months, tops.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 