I’ve been lied to.
Because I’ve been told that our tech overlords know everything about us, and that they’re spying on us through our cellphones, and maybe our fridges, and possibly our toasters. You can’t so much as mention that a certain Democrat pol has a ten-cent head and a juicy booty – her words, not mine (I mean, the juicy booty part. I figured out that she’s got a ten-cent head all on my own, when she started to talk) – without your phone and computer being bombarded with pics of a Kardashian.
Or Emily Ratajkowski, whom I don’t even know. (Well, I know NOW.)
Anyway, those shadowy tech wizards are supposedly curating our entire lives, and feeding us only info that we already agree with or want to receive.
And yet I’ve already received two fund-raising ads in my feed just today, both of them from Que Mala Harris! So I’ve definitely been lied to about our tech eavesdroppers’ ability to read our minds, because I’ve got to be the least likely person in this solar system to contribute to the campaign of Little Miss Cackle-nator.
However, it was fun to watch her ad, if only to imagine how many takes it took to finish it, and what her first take must have sounded like.
“For only ten dollars, you can make a difference in getting me elected. Just ten dollars. Which is an amount of dollars. Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha HA! Right? Each dollar can be exchanged for a dollar’s worth of goods or services. Goods like electric school buses, and power points full of Venn diagrams. Ah-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha HA! And services like hiring a bunch of child actors to sit around and listen to my blathering about space and the moon, and act like I’m saying something substantive.
Anyway, your 10 dollars – a number that is not as big as Russia, or as small as Ukraine, and comes somewhere in between 9 and 11, which are also very numerical terms, right? (cackle cackle cackle) – can make a difference in November. Which is the 11th month of the year, and one more month than the amount of dollars that I am asking you to send.”
I’m thinking that that’s the part of the first take when several of the tech crew loudly face-palmed themselves, one Dem pollster vomited on his shoes, another sat down mumbling, “We are beyond f**ked,” and the director yelled, “Cut! Is Joe still around here somewhere?”
You might be asking, “Martin, I thought you asked us yesterday not to criticize or make fun of Que Mala until after the Dem convention, when she would presumably be locked in as the nominee? And yet now here you are, eviscerating her in the hilariously genius-like way that we’ve all come to know and love. What gives?”
Well, for some idiotic reason known only to God – you may remember Him as the Guy who moved Trump’s head out of the way of that bullet – the Dems seemed to have fallen in line behind Harris. (And no, this is not the time for a Willie Brown joke. In the words of a great future president, “Let’s not be children.”)
I really don’t get it. The smart thing would have been for them to say a lot of supportive comments about Kamala (as honest as all the things they were saying about Biden being vigorous and super compos mentis 10 minutes ago), but leave the door open for a nomination battle at their convention.
Then, after three weeks of Kamala assuming the role of president-in-waiting and making public appearances everywhere, they could see what her polls looked like. And if the polls look like we all pretty much know they will, the Dem power brokers could rig the convention to put someone else in place.
That’s what I thought they would do, when I noted 24 hours ago that some big leftist names were splitting into two camps re: whether Kamala should get the nod.
I guess they could still do that. But they are all signing off on her candidacy now, which will make them look much more bumbling and desperate if they reverse themselves again, after they crowned her as the nominee a day after Joe shuffled off his mortal coil, wearing his big ol’ waffle-stomper, shufflin’ shoes.
Seriously. They lied about what great shape Joe was in for four years, then he exposed them by breathing his last breath during the debate. So then they jump on the Kamala bandwagon – and again I must remind you that I am far too dignified to make the Willie Brown joke that we’re all thinking of right now – and when her poll numbers look as bad as Joey Gaffes’, they’re going to push her aside and sub in ANOTHER Dem politician?!
Does that process – bailing from Plan A to Plan B and then to Plan C in a few weeks – suggest stability and competence on the left? Or does it look like the live re-enactment of the old joke about four guys in a plane that’s going down because it’s overloaded?
(You may remember it from the pub scene in American Werewolf in London: When they realize that somebody needs to jump out to save the rest, the Brit says, “God save the Queen!” and jumps. When the plane is still too heavy, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and jumps. When that doesn’t help, the Texan says, “Remember the Alamo!”… and chucks out the Mexican.)
But it looks like the Dems are going with her, so what do I know? Still, just to be safe, if any of you are contacted by a pollster in the next three or four weeks, please say that you’re all-in for Harris, and you give her five stars, or two enthusiastic thumbs up, or multiple bedazzled Venn diagrams. Whatever it takes.
By the way, it’s a huge red flag that her first official act – for the last time, I’m not talking about THAT “act” with Willie Brown, so get your minds out of the gutter – was deciding to snub Bibi Netanyahu. That’s going to play well in Dearborn, with the ululating, “death to America” crowd, and with the Squad/jihadi caucus in the House, but elsewhere?
Great job, Que Mala.
Big Biden donor John Morgan might have said it best – by the way, hang your head in shame for giving that decrepit grifter money, John – when he claimed that, “Joe’s endorsement of Kamala is his f**k you to all who pushed him out. Be careful what you wish for.”
If that’s true, I’ve got to say something that I never thought I would, seriously and without my tongue in my cheek: Great job, Joe! That’s a sweet move on your way out the door, because it gives all the lying hypocrites who stabbed you in the back a perfect dose of karmic justice.
Don’t get me wrong, Joe: you’re all a bunch of political scorpions in an identity-politics bottle, and you all deserve each other, and the electoral disaster that I pray is about to descend upon your party. Still, why should the rest of those rats be able to escape from the sinking ship they just tossed you off?
But look at the bright side. When Trump debates Que Mala and she opens up a whole word salad bar, you will be able to enjoy watching him re-use one of the lines that helped end your campaign: “I really don’t know what [she] said at the end of that sentence. I don’t think [she] knows what [she] said either.”
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 