My Review of the DNC (posted 8/23/24)

After I heroically watched most of the DNC on Monday night so you didn’t have to – you’re welcome – I must confess that I wasn’t able to watch large amounts of the next three nights.  Because I am just one man.

One man with a heart as big as the great outdoors, and the strength of ten men, and also the toughness of a $2 steak.  But just like Achilles, I have a weakness: a tragically sensitive gag reflex that kept me from prolonged exposure to that televised train wreck.

Okay, I know.  I said “gag reflex.”  While I’m at it, I also noticed that Que Mala has been tight-lipped about policy this week, and that in her goofy speech in Milwaukee she sounded like she might have been drinking something.  Oh, and on Monday night she gave lip service to what a great president Joe Biden has been.

I think I’ve teed that up sufficiently.  So why don’t we just get this over with.  Everybody take a minute and make your own Willie Brown jokes.  I’ll wait.

…

Okay, I hope we’ve all gotten that out of our system.  We’ve seen her swing.  We know her swing.  So let’s not act like children, people.   

While I wasn’t able to stomach much of the convention (stop it!), I did watch some coverage and catch as many snippets as I could stand.  And I think I saw enough to give you my selection of the lowlights of the Democrats’ convention:

1.The entire first night: Joe screamed and slurred his way through a humiliating curtain call, telling all the old and debunked lies and insisting that he is not angry or bitter.  And the other big speakers were Cankles McPantsuit – who delighted the partisans while scaring the crows – and sleazy Jamie “Dick” Raskin.

2. J.B. “the Hutt” Pritzker – Illinois Governor and former actor in the early 90’s cop show “Jake and the Fatman” (Joe Penny played “Jake”) – showed up on Tuesday night, and his appearance was perfect. 

His speech followed Bernie Sanders, which was an odd scheduling choice.  A professional useless person who has never made an honest dime in his life, Sanders used his time to lambaste evil billionaires.

Unexpectedly!

Then Pritzker took the stage – and after Hillary’s appearance the night before, the stage groaned, “No mas!” – and… wait for it… bragged about being an “actual billionaire!” You can’t make this up. 

For those of you who are blessed to not know who Pritzker is, he “earned” his billions the old fashioned way: mommy and daddy gave his wealth to him.  His ancestors started the family fortune in the late 19th century in pharmaceuticals, expanding in the late 20th century into hotels and other ventures.  (Rumors that they also profited from advertising – including painting “Goodyear” on JB and floating him over sporting events – have not been confirmed.)

He’s also, like so many tax-raising leftists, a sleazy tax dodger.  While doing everything he could to tax the crap out of the beleaguered Illinois residents who remain there – CO and I escaped, so suck it, Pritzker! – he pulled a cheap stunt to save himself $5 million of appraised value on his second mansion on Chicago’s wealthy Gold Coast district.

That’s right: his SECOND mansion. Because a guy that size isn’t fitting in just one mansion.  Anyway, the mansions are right next to each other, so JB pulled the toilets out of the second mansion, which made it technically “uninhabitable,” and deprived the city of hundreds of thousands of tax dollars.  Meanwhile, he could still trundle next door and enjoy waddling through the mansion whenever he wanted, tax free.

So just like everything else (fact check: everything but one thing) about the guy, his hypocrisy is colossal!  

3. Barack’s Tuesday speech, which featured what felt like hours of mean-spirited insults and blasting Republicans and Trump voters as the worst kind of people possible… followed by a call for unity in the country!  Compared to Biden’s and Que Mala’s horrible speaking skills, Obama’s superficial glibness gave him a sheen of competence.  But what a small and mean-spirited man he is.

4. Michelle’s speech, in which… wait for it… she played the race card.  Unexpectedly!  I hate bogus charges of racism.  So as you can imagine, I am not fond of that scowling wookie.

She also played the class card, in the supremely hypocritical way that only a social justice leftist can.  She told the story of her mom and dad, who “didn’t aspire to be wealthy.  In fact, they were suspicious of folks who took more than they needed.” 

Gglklgkkkkchuk.

Sorry. Choked on my own bile there for a minute.

So let’s get this right.  Michelle was raised to NOT aspire to wealth, and to look down on anyone who took more than they needed? 

Beeyotch, you’re worth $70 million dollars!  And I guess everyone “needs” a multimillion dollar Netflix deal, right?

Oh yeah, and she lives in a 6 bedroom/6 bathroom mansion in Chicago.

Oops, except that she doesn’t live there anymore.  But she still has it.  Because she NEEDS it.  But in 2017 she and hubby bought a sorely needed 8200-square-foot Tudor mansion – I know: that’s 3 Pritzkers! – with 8 bedrooms and 9.5 bathrooms in a very rich section of DC.

Two years later, sick of being cooped up in the 3-Pritzker-sized DC hovel, the Obamas dropped millions more on 30 ocean-front acres and a 6900 s.f. mansion (7 bedrooms, 8.5 baths) on Martha’s Vineyard.  And they’re rumored to be closing soon on another gigantic mansion, this one in Hawaii.

Got all that?  This sanctimonious fraud just lectured the nation about the virtues of not acquiring more than you need, while she owns 20,000+ square feet of luxury housing, where she can lay her head and Sasquatchian frame down to sleep in any of 21 bedrooms, and relieve herself in any of 24 bathrooms.

And she NEEDS every damn one of them!

Her parents are lucky that they’re both dead, so they didn’t have to see how completely their daughter has rejected the lessons about humility and frugality that they tried in vain to teach her.

5. Epic self-beclowning by the protestors.  A giant IUD, addled women dressing up like birth control pills, beta males getting unnecessary vasectomies, and an RV that served as an abortuary on wheels.  And that’s not to mention the violence and screams of – literally – “We want Hamas to win!”  That’s right: the Democrat brainiacs were determined to put out a life-affirming message of “JOY!” 

And the best they could come up with was hating half of your countrymen, cheering for jihadi terrorists, sterilizing their already mostly sterile males, and killing babies in the parking lot. 

Well done, comrades!

6. Tim Walz.  Ugh.  He’s a socialist wolf in a Midwestern dad’s khakis, and every word he said was a lie, including “and” and “the” (hat tip to Mary McCarthy).  His life story is as trustworthy as Bill Clinton’s pillow talk, and his governance was a horror show. And to top it all off, he mocked JD Vance for having risen above his deprived hillbilly childhood and making something of himself!

Really, Timmy?  That’s what you’ve got? JD joined the Marines, came back and crushed it at Ohio State and Yale, then had some success in business and wrote a bestselling memoir, so that means he’s a fake hillbilly?

No, that makes him the most successful hillbilly in history, you phony creep!

(I mean except for me.  Because I earned the title “Dr. Hilarious Genius,” and landed my smokeshow of a wife and a regular column writing for the creme de la creme at Cautious Optimism.)

7. Bill Clinton.  When I was flipping through the channels and caught sight of him, I thought that Jimmy Carter was somehow making an appearance at the DNC.  Because, yikes!  He does not look good.  And he sounds as bad as he looks.

That guy is the same age as Trump!  But if you were married to CAW CAW, your life force would have been drained from you, too.  And it doesn’t help that his blood type is “STD-positive.”    

I tried to listen to him, but… NOPE.

8. Finally, Que Mala.  She was supposed to be the headliner, but—

All right, stop snickering back there!  I swear, if you don’t straighten up I’m going to turn this column around and go straight back home!

I’m serious! 

Okay fine.  She blew it, is that what you wanted to hear? 

Of course the content was negligible; the parts that weren’t banal pap were a cavalcade of lies.  And her delivery!  Good lord, she manages to combine the worst traits of many people who have very bad traits.

The nasally whine of Fran Drescher.  The stiff gestures of the old Lost in Space robot.  The intellectual heft of AOC.  The charmlessness of Hillary.  The likeability of Hillary.  And the authenticity of Hillary. 

Like all well-raised and reasonable people, I was prepared to dislike this dumpster fire of a convention.  But holy cats, did they exceed my expectations! 

And yes, I guess we all need to act like children just a little bit longer.  Because the nominee’s speech on the final night is supposed to be the climax of a convention.

But what Que Mala did on Thursday night was a textbook anti-climax. 

And we’ve got a little more than 2 months to rally and fight and stop these imbeciles from getting back into the White House!     

Hamas delenda est!