It’s still sinking in, guys! It’s five days later, and the relief and the joy – which, it turns out, doesn’t just cometh in the morning, but also the next day, and the next day, and at Thanksgiving, and at Christmas and most definitely in January! – is still sinking in!
My six-day (and counting!) experience of waves of happiness has reminded me of one of my favorite jokes from the late great Norm MacDonald (man, I miss that guy, along with Sam Kinison!). You can find it online, and Norm tells it way better than I can write it, but it’s about LSD:
“They warned me that you’ve got to be careful with that LSD, because you can have flashbacks. Ten years can go by, 20 years, 30 years, and then you’ll have a flashback. And I thought hey, that sounds like a good deal. You’re telling me that I buy a drug, and I eat it and get high, and then 20 years later, I get high again? I like to stretch my drug dollar.” Then he goes on to bemoan the fact that he’s never actually gotten a flashback.
Well, this Trump victory over Que Mala and all the forces of darkness is giving me what Norm was looking for with his foray into LSD. Because I got a hat-trick of dopamine, serotonin and endorphins hit me on Tuesday night, and the giddy flashbacks have been coming in quasi-orgasmic waves ever since. If I were still teaching, my productivity would have dropped off a cliff!
Fortunately for all of us, my vocation now is writing about politics and mocking leftists, so I am a pig in slop. A Hunter in a brothel! A Pritzker in a Krispy Kreme factory!!
All of these happiness neurotransmitters are hitting me like the discovery of drugs hit the Beatles, and I feel like I’m ready to get into the studio and knock out the political commentary equivalent of Abbey Road every day for a month!
In fact, right now I’ve got 4000 words drafted, which is two and a half columns, and I’ve got notes for that many more. This is likely going to be another 4-column week, at least!
So all of you who say my columns are too long, and you’re tired of winning, it’s just too much winning… Suck it, Trebek! The bodies of our political enemies litter the field before us, and it’s time to trample the wounded and hurdle the dead. (Rhetorically speaking, I mean.) And to savor the lamentations of their men who identify as women!
Whoo. Let me catch my breath.
While I do that, the soundtrack for today’s column is a cover of the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage” by a group called “Brass Against.” It’s a three-minute adrenalin dump that I’ve been listening to compulsively since Wednesday.
The song captures my paranoia, anxiety and anger about the way the Dems rigged the 2020 elction, and the way I feared they were going to sabotage us again this time. “Brass Against” is 9 people with the usual players (vocalist, drummer, guitar), but also a great horn section (2 trumpets, 2 trombones, a sousaphone and baritone sax), and their cover is great. They’ve got the same dirty guitar of the original, and the female vocalist has the same nasal NY Beastie Boys tone, but that brass, though!
Turn it on, and blast it. And when you get to 1:40, wait for things to crescendo into the cacophonous wall of sound and primal scream that goes on for 30 seconds – THAT’s what I felt when they called PA for Trump!
Okay. If I smoked, I’d be lighting one up right now. Since I don’t, let’s just move on.
So one of my favorite stories this week appeared in the NY Post, and it covered a TikTok posted by Tim Walz’s daughter after the election.
I know what you’re thinking: That skipping dipsh*t fathered a child?!
Apparently so. And she’s 23, and named Hope Walz. (If her middle name isn’t “Less,” I am very disappointed.) She’s got a nose ring, and is the type of angry, narcissistic goofball who has no qualms about recording and posting a whiny video of herself being hilariously wrong about politics.
Unexpectedly!
She’s eating Sponge Bob mac-and-cheese on a couch (as normal adults do), and wants us to know that she’s heartbroken and angry, and that she doesn’t think too highly of Trump and Vance. She says that she’s grateful to be her, and glad “that she’s on the side of love, hope, joy and progress.”
Wow! A leftist white lady who thinks that she’s just aces, and looks down on everybody who disagrees with her? The hell you say!
She does get one thing right, though. “This country does not deserve Kamala Harris!”
Amen, sister, and thank God!
An extra bonus I got from reading that story? I learned that Trump beat Harris and Walz in Walz’s home county in Minnesota. HA!
In the same vein as poor Hope(less) Walz, I’ve been enjoying another bullet dodged by my younger, single, male brethren. I’m talking about the trend of leftist females going online to proclaim that they’re going on a sex strike against men. A few of them have even shaved their heads on camera, as a means of protesting the election.
Which gives me many thoughts.
Thoughts such as, “So you’re still happy with having hairy armpits and legs, but the hair on your head is what has to go?”
And, “I’m not saying these ladies are unattractive. But when shaving your head is a lateral move, looks-wise…”
And, “I don’t think you know what motivates straight guys at all. I mean, if someone who looks like Melania or Megyn Kelly says she’s on a sex strike, most guys are going to be flying a flag of mourning at half-mast. (And yes, you may have just detected an extremely subtle double entendre right there.)
But these gals? It’s a big combo of “meh” and “whew!”
I’ve also learned another new thing when I came across these stories, many of which have the term “4B” on the screen. And because I’m not just a pretty face and a razor-sharp wit, I buckled down and did some research to enlighten CO nation. (It’s a cliché because it’s true: we Simpsons are working dogs, not show dogs.)
And it turns out that the term “4B” has its origins in a feminist movement that started in South Korea, and it refers to “four Korean words beginning with ‘bi’ or “no” in English: 1. Bihon (no marriage with men), 2 Bichulsan (no childbirth), 3. Biyeonae (no dating men), 4. Bisekseu (no heterosexual sexual relationships).
If all of these TikTokers will allow me to man-splain something – because I know that feminist “4B” chicks must really love that – they could have saved themselves 3 auxiliary Bs, and boiled their cunning plan down to just the 4th B.
Because if “bisekseu” means “no hetero sex,” that’ s going to pretty much preclude the other three Bs. (I really hope that the Korean education system is better than ours, and that Korean women thus already understand that if there’s no hetereo-sex going on, they’re not going to have to worry about childbirth!) (Or marriage, for that matter.)
I like to think that we can all learn from everything we read, and I’ve learned a valuable life-hack from this research. Because for most of my life, I’ve been plagued with a recurring problem: when women encounter me – in class, or on the street, or in a restaurant or store – some of them will take note of my firm jawline and dreamy eyes, and approach me flirtatiously.
If my wife is with me at such times, she’ll give them a look that communicates her ferocious Viking heritage, and they will slowly back away, trembling. But if I’m alone, things are trickier. That’s why I carry a collapsible metal baton that I can open with a flick of my wrist and wield defensively. (I used to carry a pitching wedge with me at all times for this purpose, but that got awkward in some social settings.)
But now that I’ve read about the delightfully diverse Korean culture, I’ve got a new strategy. I’ll just raise both arms in front of me, palms outward, and say in a firm and loud voice, “Bisekseu!”
I’ve already shared this brilliant strategy with CO and the other Roving Correspondents, and I’m sharing it with all of you now. You’re welcome.
Okay, another column’s coming tomorrow, but I’ve got to leave you with my favorite unhinged leftist proposal from the last several days. (And the competition is stiff!)
CNN bonehead Bakari Sellers floated the idea of Biden replacing Sonia Sotomayor on the Supreme Court before Trump takes office in January. That’s not a bad idea from the Democrats’ point of view: Sotomayor is 70 and rumored to have some health issues, so they’d love to avoid another RBG situation and put a younger far-left justice on the court before the Orange Menace takes over.
But then Bakari shows that he may have been dipping into the Bacardi. Because his recommended replacement for Sotomayor is… wait for it… Kamala Harris!
That’s right, the woman who just definitively proved that she is not qualified to run a lemonade stand, and is the emptiest of all empty pantsuits… He thinks SHE would be a good pick for the highest court in the land!
Of course, Bakari is just like most of our leftist elites who expected that she’d be the next president. They thought they’d be able to ride a wave of faux joy and smearing us as Nazis into another four devastating years in the White House. Thank God they were so wildly wrong!
Or as the Beastie Boys might have told them, “Your crystal ball ain’t so crystal clear.”
Speaking of Nazis, on this Veterans’ Day, I’ll bet a ton of our military heroes, from those who hit the beaches in Normandy to go kick some socialist arse in 1944 all the way up to today, are celebrating Trump’s forthcoming second term along with all of us.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 