As I am writing this, it has been exactly one week to the hour since the Trumpzilla stomped through the battleground states, crushing the pollsters beneath his mighty orange feet, scattering the he/shes and the Whoopies and the Joys, and trampling out the vintage where the shenanigans and graft were stored!
Yes, the dopamine is still rolling through my veins, like the terrifying bouillabaisse of STDs in Bill Clinton’s!
So naturally, the soundtrack for today’s column is the manic “One Week,” from the pop band Barenaked Ladies. If you haven’t heard it, you should listen now. It’s an upbeat sprint with machine-gun-fast lyrics, a few of which fit perfectly with this glorious election.
I’m thinking specifically of the chorus, which I will subtly tweak here:
“How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re mad?
Trying hard not to smile, though I don’t feel bad.
I’m the kind of guy who laughs at leftist funerals,
Can’t understand what I mean? You soon will.
You came in cocky, with a hate-filled mania,
But I just heard that Donald Trump took Pennsylvania!”
If any of you in CO nation feel the creative juices flowing, feel free to tweak some of the lyrics and put them in the comments. Here’s one more example, from the start of the fifth verse:
“Top commie Xi feels like a Chinese chicken,
Wants to take Taiwan but now the clock is tickin’
Thought he’d be okay with Harris in there,
‘cause there’s no there there,
But now it’s Trump and that’s a problem.”
Okay, enough frivolity. In my next column I’m going to cover some of the good news that is coming out of the Trump camp, and which bodes well for the next four years. But I’m not quite done with celebrating the obnoxiousness of the frustrated lefties and the fits they are still throwing about the election.
I’ve grouped these into three categories. The first is the sad-sack, street-level Democrat foot soldiers. They believed all the lies and propaganda they’ve been fed, and I actually feel sorry for them. Most of them seem to have either had a rough childhood, or else they’ve been spoiled rotten, or they’ve been raised by some really sub-par, politically poisonous parents.
I’m holding out hope that some in this category can still turn things around for themselves, if they can just accept and learn the lessons from the beating that reality just gave them last week.
Perhaps the best examples of these are the far-left gender feminists who recorded hysterical videos and shaved their heads in protest of Trump’s election. If I could just talk to them, face-to-face, I think I could explain the hilarious yet painful reality they’re going to face between now and the middle of February or so. I would say something like this…
You’ve bought into the ginned-up hyperbole in media, Democrat and academic circles that Trump’s supporters are a threatening patriarchal army of storm troopers, and you’re the brave resistance, fighting the good fight from your romanticized underground. You really believed that they are going to be coming for you, kicking in doors and dragging you off, forcing you into those idiotic Handmaid Tale outfits and breeding you against your will.
And now you’re going to spend the next two months commiserating with other paranoid lefties, re-shaving your head and putting on 25 pounds from binge/grief eating and preparing for the lowering of the Orange Curtain (so much worse than the Iron Curtain of your socialist co-religionists!) over your imagined Amerikka.
And then, a couple weeks after the inauguration, you’ll discover that no one has come for you. You shaved your head, quit your job at the vegan bookstore, got a few more piercings and a Planned Parenthood solidarity tattoo on your right butt cheek, stopped paying the rent on your apartment (since you’ll soon be in a camp) and braced yourself for the ominous knock at your door.
But nobody came. Not on the first day of “Trump II: the Re-Trumpening.” Not during the first or second week.
And then you’ll stagger out into the street, bloated and bleary-eyed from crying yourself to sleep, blinking in the sunlight and running your hand over the ugly stubble on your stupidly shaved head.
And you’ll see happy and optimistic citizens, walking around with purpose as they begin to enjoy a newly liberated America, with an economy that’s picking up and civil rights that are being protected. As if it were morning in America again.
Because it is!
And it will start to dawn on you: We don’t hate you. We don’t even know you. Your angry social media manifestos and your slam poetry meant to overturn the capitalist system has had no impact, other than making you unnecessarily miserable.
The patriarchy isn’t afraid of you, or obsessed with controlling you. It doesn’t care about you one way or the other, because it’s not really a thing. You’re not a member of an exciting, transgressive new gender, because there are still only the two.
You’re just a gullible goofball who fell for the lies of the most hateful, oppressive grifters to appear in America since the Democrat slaveholders were defeated by Lincoln and his Republican armies in the 1860s.
If you can accept that realization, and get through the shame, and repent – renouncing the leftist devils and all of their evil ways – we’d love to have you join us as we do our best to undo the damage of the last four years.
(By the way, on your imbecilic charge of GOP “Nazism”, I am begging you to read just a little bit of history. The acronym “Nazi” refers to a party of “German socialist workers.” Hitler opposed international socialism NOT because he was a conservative/right-winger, but because he was a xenophobe who wanted a German NATIONAL socialism. Do you see the through-line there? Hitler vs. Stalin was a socialist-on-socialist battle royale.)
The second category is the professional class: organizers, bureaucrats and academics. You may have seen the best example of this group: the video put up by a lefty woman named Arlene at 5:00 on election day. Search for it under “Dr. Arlene Political Analyst.”
She laughs and smirks her way through telling the story of a lowly store clerk she encountered that day, when she was buying champagne to celebrate Kamala’s certain win that night. When the clerk looked skeptical, Arlene explained to him – in 180-proof condescension – that Kamala was definitely going to win.
It all comes down to “reproductive rights” you see, and the abortion-loving women of America were going to dominate the ballot box. In fact, Que Mala was going to sweep all 7 battleground states, plus Iowa! When the poor male dullard still seemed skeptical, she said, “I’m a political analyst, and I’m telling you right now, she’s winning this election.”
Then she rubbed it in: “You do realize that you’ve wasted your vote, right?” And then she cackled more obnoxiously than Kamala, which I wouldn’t have believed possible.
If you watch the video, don’t forget to watch the sequel, which she recorded after Trump stomped Kamala. Because her reaction is chef’s-kiss perfect. The cackle and smirking are gone, but she has figured out why her flawless prediction was off. “There is one fundamental thing that you cannot account for when you are using data to predict the outcome of an election. You can’t factor in the impact of racism and misogyny.”
Unexpectedly!
I am afraid that there is less hope for this woman and the others in her category, because once you’ve acquired advanced degrees and achieved this level of narcissistic arrogance, it’s going to take a planetary extinction-level event to have any chance of piercing the reinforced shell of your immense self-regard with even a tiny bit of reality.
(By the way, this woman temporarily broke the SFPI© (Simpson Face Punchability Index). The maximum score possible should be a perfect 10, but when I entered this video, the reading was 12.5. I’ve got my engineering team working on the problem, but so far it seems like the extreme level of smugness overwhelmed the Index.)
The third and most rarified category of wrong-headed lefty is made up of the top of the pyramid, those who hold the most respected positions at the top of our supposedly elite cultural institutions.
The archetypal example here is the august membership of the NY Times Editorial Board. This crazy cabal put out a 10-minute video last week entitled, “The Worst Version of a Trump Administration,” and it’s as wildly and irrationally apocalyptic as any of the crying leftist mental-patient TikTok videos.
Each genius recorded his or her doomsday predictions, which are presented sequentially. And each one is more unhinged than the last. One white lady with a schoolmarm vibe warns that Trump will send troops into “neighborhoods like my own to round up undocumented immigrants… and set up a network of camps.”
One of them solemnly fears his promise “to become a dictator on day 1.” Another one says, with a straight face, that Trump might bomb Mexico.
Something called “M. Gessen” – birth name “Masha,” but a non-binary “they/them” who is either a very homely woman, or a very frail and still homely man – says Trump will essentially destroy our institutions. (On second glance, it/they appears to have a beard, but it’s the thinnest, wispiest beard imaginable, and seems to whisper “see what taking male hormones can do?” So your guess is as good – and as gross – as mine.)
Charles “Boy Does He” Blow says that Trump’s policies are “democracy ending.”
Again, these are not the kind of rando-s you might expect to see on a “womyn’s TikTok forum,” or the lost and wandering souls milling around outside a methadone clinic. They are the editorial board of the NEW YORK FREAKING TIMES!!
These are the people who generate and disseminate the paranoid fantasies that filter down to the professional category – providing them with the building materials for their arrogant self-image – and down to the foot-soldier category, trapping them in their unsophisticated, self-imposed misery.
I picture a carved sign over the NYT boardroom reading, “Abandon all Hope, Ye Who Enter Here,” because there must be a special place in hell for those who do this much damage to their society.
I am almost convinced that they have to know that the cartoonish depiction of the unspeakable horrors of the coming Trump term is false. How could they not?
But then if they do know, how can they record this idiocy, knowing that they’re going to be exposed as either liars or fools? This isn’t like global warming doomsday scenarios, when people saying America will be underwater in a century will be long dead before their predictions are disproved.
These people will still be here in four years (with the possible exception of M. Gessen, who does not look well) when their paranoid fantasies will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are morons.
Let’s all save that video, and meet back here right before Christmas of 2028, when we can drink to the memories of P-Nut the Squirrel, Fred the Raccoon, and the disgraced members of the NYT Editorial Board.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 