Well, it’s finally happened. After a blissful 8 years of writing one snarky column after another with no interference from the powers that be, I have received two notices within the last week that two of my columns have been removed from this site (i.e. the Cautious Optimism FB site) because they violated “hate speech” rules.
This was a little perplexing to me, because I am almost universally thought of as quite lovable. In fact, it is often said that to know me is to love me.
And though I regularly poke fun at the most fun-poke-able of our political opponents – I’m looking at you Grandma Squanto (#wemustneverstopmockingher), Imhotep Pelosi (“Aiiieee! The mummy walks among us!”) and Que Mala – mocking is not hating.
Odder still, the two columns of mine that were flagged were from 11/7 of this year and 5/5 of last year, so I’m not sure what would cause such a delayed reaction to both.
The November column was written the day after the election, and as you may remember, I was giddy with a potent mix of relief and actual joy (not that faux stuff that Que Mala tried to build a campaign on). Thus I was bouncing around from topic to topic, and I wasn’t sure what part was the potentially offensive bit.
So I went back to last May’s column, and the issue became a little clearer. In that one, I discussed an angry politician in Montana who is – how can I put this? – someone who believes himself to not be in line with what he was “assigned” at birth. I also discussed a Navy recruiter who presented as a person of the opposite sex.
So I am pretty sure what topic has triggered the FB watchers.
Side note: It was interesting to go back and read last year’s column, because enough time has gone by that I had forgotten what I wrote. So I read it like anybody else would, and got caught by surprise by a few lines here and there.
And as immodest as this sounds, I came to the same conclusion that many of you have: I am one funny weirdo!
For example, I hadn’t remembered referring to Churchill’s famous critique of the traditions of the Royal Navy as “Rum, sodomy and the lash,” and then saying that the US Navy now has its new recruiting slogan: “Hold the rum.”
I kill me!
Anyway, these warnings sounded ominous, and I didn’t want to risk getting this site shut down because of my hilarious yet allegedly hateful musings. So I went right to the top, and emailed the Great and Powerful CO to ask his opinion. He called me back on Monday, and I thought I’d give you a little peek behind the curtain to the discussion we had.
When I got the call, I was a little flummoxed. You’d expect it would be something like a call from Reagan or Trump: “This is the White House. Hold for the president.”
But no, it wasn’t even a minion on the line. It was just CO himself, calling from – I’m assuming – a SCIF at the CO Compound in Boca.
Naturally, I went directly to my home office and activated the translucent, soundproof and climate-controlled Cone of Silence, which I had installed after we bought this house. Because I watched just the right amount of Get Smart as a child.
My Cone of Silence descends from the ceiling to surround me – obviously – and it’s big enough to contain me and Cassie the Wonder Dog. Because while she understands English (duh!) – and ein bisschen deutsche, which she picked up during a youthful fling with a German shepherd – she doesn’t speak it, and thus couldn’t reveal anything she hears there.
Not that she would anyway, because she’s as trustworthy as the day is long. Unlike certain terrible presidents I could name, who swear up and down for months that they would never pardon their felonious junkie son, and then… wait for it… pardon their felonious junkie son.
So once we were both in our secure locations, CO put me on hold while he engaged voice-scrambling software as a security precaution.
By the way, CO’s hold music? All Beatles tunes. True story.
Anyway, once measures had been taken and our due diligence done, we had a high-level discussion. I can’t reveal the details here, of course. But the gist of it was that CO believes that mine is a once-in-an-epoch, national treasure of a mind that must be free, and he couldn’t live with himself if my thoughts were suppressed. (I’m paraphrasing loosely.)
He also said that even if it meant that the Cautious Optimism site were shut down, his only regret would be that he had but one site to lose for his country. (I know. I broke out in spontaneous applause, too.)
He also said that after January 20th, he’d be reaching out to Tom Homan, Kash Patel and POTUS Maximus himself to see if they could call on Zuck to explain a few things. (I’m guessing that Luca Brasi would be played by Tom Homan at that meeting.)
So I’m going to continue writing here – my next column will be Friday – even though I may occasionally have to do a little of the ol’ “ixnay on the ranny-tay” talk.
In the meantime, let me ask all of you to read both of my offending columns, because I’d like to hear your opinions on their relative offensiveness.
Since you can no longer find them here on Facebook, please go to my WordPress page on your computer – Martinsimpsonwriting.com. On the right side of the screen you’ll find the monthly lists of my columns in reverse chronological order. The two columns in question are dated 11/7 of this year, and 5/5/23.
While you’re there, consider clicking on “Subscribe.” It’s free (although hitting the PayPal Tip Jar wouldn’t offend me), and once you’ve subscribed, you’ll get an email to alert you every time I post a new column, just in case any more of them get removed from the CO site.
In the meantime, as always…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 