I’m hoping that at least a few of you in CO nation, as you’ve been watching the confirmation hearings this week, have thought to yourself, “Wow, I hope Martin is watching this, because they are giving him a target-rich environment of mock-worthy shenanigans.”
And holy cats, is that an understatement! This has been a “can’t-stop-watching-it” disaster epic like I haven’t seen since Joe Biden visibly decomposed in that debate. It’s got everything you want in a classic freak show. The bearded lady. (I’m not specifying which.) The Amazing Neckless Senator. The white Indian. (#wemustneverstopmockingher) The chinless wonder. The Incredible Oblivious Man. The Strong (smelling) Man. (Proofreading note: confirm that Swalwell was in the room before I go with this one.)
With this number of eyeballs on a telegenic 100-clown-car pile-up, I think potential advertisers who didn’t arrange to sponsor it left big money on the table. How did Big Methadone not pay for the tv rights to this?!
I picture a big banner at the back of the room, and chirons on the bottom of tv screens: “The 2025 Nomination Hearing/Witch Hunt Extravaganza. Brought to you by Methadone. “When Heroin is No Longer working, but You’re Not Ready for Sobriety Yet. Methadone!”
Of course it wouldn’t be a high-profile DC event without far-left weirdos interrupting the proceedings. But every time one of them starts hollering incoherently like the homeless cat lady on the Simpsons, I find myself asking the obvious question: Are tasers broken?
If not, and if you must allow emotionally unstable people in, just position a security guy behind each of them, with a taser out and hovering about six inches from the back of their necks. And as soon as they start the gibberish, see which security guy can get his assignee to do the best “salmon jumping upstream to spawn” impression. Monetary awards to the winners.
And it’s not like the protestors are hard to spot, guys. We all know the tell-tale signs:
Crazy eyes
Wild, fly-away Bernie Sanders hair
General dishevelment
A terrorist dishrag (you say “keffiyeh,” I say “terrorist dish rag”) around their necks
Carrying a small cardboard sign riddled with misspellings and out-of-place exclamation marks
Odd pink clothing that suggests either someone in an impoverished Third-World traveling circus who couldn’t afford traditional clown costumes, or the gayest Nazi you’ve ever seen in your life.
If anybody comes in who checks three or more of those boxes, pre-position the security crew’s taser squad, and prepare to light them up! And if they accidentally tase Bernie Sanders – hey, he checked the first three boxes – I think we can all live with that.
Because the Democrat senators are generally only half a standard deviation less crazy than the protestors.
It’s hard to even pick which senator put in the worst performance. Grandma Squanto and Kirsten Gillibrand were over-the-top annoying, as were many others. But if pushed, I’d say that the three who were definitely on the medal stand (in the Horse’s Arse floor event) were Schiff, Hirono and Blumenthal. Hegseth and Bondi made all three of them look ridiculous.
The visuals alone, when Crazy Mazie was interrogating Pam Bondi, were brutal. Bondi looks like Pam Bondi, while Hirono looks like a troll who found some talking points under a bridge and shambled up to a microphone to read them.
One highlight was when Hirono bizarrely asked Bondi if she had ever “made any unwanted sexual advances” to anyone. (I yelled the line she should have used at my tv: “UNWANTED? No.”)
She and Hegseth both ran circles around Dick “nobody calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everybody secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal. The latter is a particular enigma to me, because for years he falsely claimed to have served in Vietnam, and yet he eagerly launched one thinly disguised attack after another at Hegseth, an actual combat veteran. (Schiff did something similar, brushing it off when Bondi nailed him about how he’d been censured for making the same kind of dishonest statements he was throwing at her.)
Which brings up a fundamental question of human psychology: How can some reasonably functional people be either completely oblivious or so lacking in shame that they can blithely expose themselves in ways that would humiliate a normal person?
I think I’m pretty normal. ([engage Moe Howard voice] Quiet, you!) And as a normie, I share most people’s tendency to remember negative feedback and criticism more than compliments. As a professor, I’d generally get very high ratings from students, with lots of comments like “This is the funniest professor I’ve ever had” and, “If it wasn’t for our age difference, I’d throw myself at him shamelessly.”
But all of those blur together, while the relative handful of negative comments stick in my mind. For example, from November of 2006: “I agree with People Magazine that George Clooney deserved to narrowly beat out Dr. Simpson for “Sexiest Man Alive.”
That was 18 years ago, and it still stings.
But these people can stand up in front of God and everyone and say the most self-mortifying things. Blumenthal should be ashamed to show his face in public within a mile of a veteran. Schiff and Hirono should hide their faces everywhere, on general principle.
Meanwhile, Democrats outside the hearings were making themselves look just as bad. Biden gave a truly pathetic goodbye address, filled with lies from beginning to end, stitched together with self-pity. But the pouting didn’t stop there, as “Dr.” Jill bad-mouthed Nancy Pelosi, and KJP gave one final petulant press briefing.
Also, there’s bad news for those of you who wanted a bulky, run-stopping presence in the middle during the inauguration: Michelle Obama has announced that she won’t attend, because she’s “not a phony.”
Which is a nice touch, since her phony husband will be attending. (I’d guess that Barry would be pretty upset about that, and might even stand up to her. Until he thinks about whether he really wants her to beat his scrawny, hypocritical arse and grind his bones, like the giant in Jack and the Beanstalk.)
Also, Imhotep Pelosi isn’t going, either. She did make it to Trump’s 2017 inauguration, wearing some tasteful burial wrappings and that frozen Botox half-scowl of hers. Sources say that this will be the first inauguration she will miss since she started her attendance streak at the deification ceremony of Cheops the Unsteady in the Valley of the Kings in 2563 BC.
One of my favorite examples of leftists gnashing their teeth has to be the press’ reaction to the shake-up in the White House press room, moving the terrible MSM outlets toward the back of the room, and the “new media” up front. I don’t think that move would have been necessary if the MSM had just been hostile to Trump, because a skeptical and questioning media is necessary in a democratic republic.
But they haven’t been that. They’ve been instinctively and thoroughly dishonest and biased, which is not tolerable in a free country’s media. They’ve been supine boot-lickers for leftists, selling one big lie after another (Joe Biden is super compos mentis, the laptop is Russian disinfo, etc.), and deranged slanderers of everybody with an R beside their name. (While only 55% of them deserve it!)
A secondary, but still great reason for the reshuffling: the whole point of a press corps is to get information out to the public. So it’s illogical to give prime press room real estate to the legacy media, whose plummeting viewership and readership means that the info they spin and distribute will go largely unseen.
Plus there’s the schadenfreude-tastic optics of watching the arrogant MSMers being marched to a back corner, from where they have to jump and wave their hands and yell, in the usually vain hope of being called on.
If I were Trump I’d double-down and troll them even harder. I’d try to make the back of the room look as much like a musty, far corner of a basement as I could. I’d install a wheezy old boiler, and dump off a bunch of used sports equipment and damp bags of pesticides, and have White House aides spread fresh dust around every morning.
And spiders. Lots of spiders.
Finally, I’ll close with one more story from Schadenfreude Corner:
Darrin Bell is a far-left cartoonist who produces tired, lame and lazy cartoons. Many of them communicate the wildly creative and original implication that Republicans are Nazis, and that Trump is a Nazi. For that kind of brilliance, he was awarded a Pulitzer prize, and an NAACP Image Award (he’s black) in 2024.
At least two of his cartoons had mocked the GOP contention that sexually grooming children is happening, and that it’s bad. One had an elephant opening his trenchcoat in front of toddlers, labeling him as a groomer. But what he revealed to the kids was a sign around his neck reading “bigotry.” Get it? Conservative bigotry is the real threat to children.
In another, a rage-distorted, split-faced white male – MAGA hat wearer on the left, Nazi on the right – screams “Groomer,” presumably at the sane, moral lefties who just want to include child porn books in school libraries. As healthy, salt-of-the-earth types do, I guess.
Well, on Wednesday the 15th, Darrin was arrested for… wait for it…possessing and distributing over 100 videos of child pornography. UNEXPECTEDLY!
Providing yet more proof of two time-worn adages:
1. Every accusation is a confession, and
2. It’s always the ones you most suspect.
Put the champagne on ice, because Monday is coming, people!
Martin Simpson 