I’m writing this on Sunday night, so I haven’t basked in Trump’s inauguration yet. But I do have plenty to write about, mostly celebrating the departure of the outgoing wretched hive of scum and villainy one more time, in preparation for the dawn of a new day. So let’s just jump in.
It would have been extremely disorienting if Biden and the Dems would have become rational and conciliatory during the last days of Biden’s maladministration (half malady, half administration). However, we didn’t have to deal with that disorientation, since none of the Dems (except for Strokey McFetterman) have learned a thing from their beautiful electoral beat down, and Biden is staggering right through the tape in full jackass mode.
He tried to sell off the border wall, pardoned his derelict son (and many other undeserving felons as well), gave medals to a series of mostly ne’er-do-wells and rarely-do-wells – When will George Soros do well? Ne’er! – and claimed that “the red states have really screwed up their economies.”
Which is why there are wagon trains of U-Hauls fleeing blue states to red ones, all bunched up like they were going through hostile, Warren country (#wemustneverstopmockingher), watching behind them for any greedy Dem tax authorities (thinly disguised as vultures) following along, hoping to prey on any stragglers who fall behind.
But perhaps the best example of Biden’s toxic combination of hubris and cognitive rot was his pompous declaration that the ERA is now the 28th Amendment to the Constitution.
That bit of absurdity launched a thousand memes. Comparisons were made to Michael Scott stepping into the middle of the office and hollering, “I declare BANKRUPTCY!” J.D. Vance took a hilarious shot, to the effect of, “As long as we’re just declaring sh*t, I declare that Pete Rose is now in the Baseball Hall of Fame.”
A roomful of partisan fools cheered wildly for Biden’s faux declaration, but it obviously had as much real-world effect as if he’d put out a statement on White House stationery declaring, “1, 2, 3, 4, I declare a thumb war!”
I will still feel some suspense until Trump takes the oath, expecting that Biden will drop one more tranche of unjustified pardons, these to cover Liz Cheney and the other masterminds behind the J6 show trial, and God knows who else.
One thing I don’t feel any suspense about? Biden announcing the cure for cancer that he promised. Because he may have beaten Medicaid, but he certainly didn’t beat cancer.
Or dementia. To which he lost a unanimous decision sometime in 2021.
Having said all that, Biden did accomplish one thing that I’d have not thought possible. He’s made the nation even happier that Trump is taking over.
On a more somber note, we lost the great Bob Uecker last week. Since I was already trying to fight back my giddiness amidst the euphoria of the run-up to Monday, I watched Major League again this weekend, as my own fond tribute to the Uke.
My favorite part of re-watching the movie was seeing all of the fans dressed up in their Lizzie Warren costumes, with headdresses and rubber tomahawks and banging on tribal drums and all the rest. (#wemustneverstopmockingher) It was a bittersweet reminder of a time when common sense was way more common, and most people had a sense of humor.
Just seeing that goofy Cleveland emblem again, with the cartoon Indian smiling broadly, did my heart good. I hope that the good people of Cleveland – in what is now a reliably red state – will rise up at some point during the next four years, and ditch their idiotic, woke mascot of the “Guardians” and reclaim the Indians!
Also, I’m sick of so many people in our nation’s capital thinking that they’re our commanders. The Washington football team will always be the Redskins to me. (Or possibly – after a few shots of Scotch or Bourbon – the Fightin’ Warrens.) (#neverstop)
Finally, I don’t know if you saw the nauseating video of terrible Attorney General Merrick Garland leaving his building for the last time on Friday. But if you haven’t, you should.
He stepped out of the elevator into a marble hallway, which was lined on both sides with applauding sycophants, cheering his awful tenure. And this display went on and on, as he got handshakes and fist bumps as he moved along. (Tragically, nobody faked a fist bump, then slipped a pair of handcuffs on him.)
There were young people and old in that crowd. Some were taking video. One older lady was in a wheelchair, and some staffers brought their kids. (I’m guessing these are the types who have fought hard to make sure those kids have easy access to child porn in their school libraries. So maybe it’s a good thing that they took them out of school to come to work with mom or dad and cheer for the corrupt old guy who – thank God! – will at least never be on the Supreme Court.)
I swear to you, one guy in the line was banging on a cowbell as Garland took what should have been his walk of shame. I’m not making that up. A cowbell!
To paraphrase the great Bruce Dickinson (as played by Christopher Walken) – He puts his pants on one leg at a time. But once his pants are on, he makes gold records! – we all have a fever, and the only prescription is no freakin’ cowbell!
Because just like there should be no crying in baseball, there should be NO cowbell in DC send-offs for corrupt politicians. It’s a cliché because it’s true.
Many smart folks on X tagged the video with the same message: get this video to Trump, so he can make sure that every person in this video is fired by Monday night. I might go even farther. I think everyone in the video should be taken to the local police precinct and subjected to extensive interrogation, with an eye toward some kind of charges.
All of them. Roll grammy in her wheelchair right into the interrogation room with the one-way mirror. Split up the couples into separate rooms, so they can’t get their stories straight ahead of time. Put the kids in juvie, just until they can be cleared.
And throw cowbell boy into solitary for at least 60 days before you start his interrogation!
Not a joke. I’m being serious here. And guess what? Here’s the deal. End of quote. (That was my Biden impression. Admit it: you threw up a bit in the back of your mouth. That’s how good my impressions are.) There will be plenty of open cells to hold those Garland co-conspirators, as soon as all of the jailed non-violent January 6th protestors are pardoned by close of business on Monday.
Remember people, JOY cometh in the morning.
And finally, today, on the third Monday of January in the year of our Lord 2025…it’s THIS morning!
Martin Simpson 