About every 15 minutes lately, I’m reminded of the sage advice that you should never interrupt an opponent when he’s making a mistake. And if that adage is true, we may need to refrain from interrupting the Democrats for many years in the future.
We shouldn’t interrupt their senators when they are stepping on rakes with their idiotic rants in lieu of questions during cabinet confirmation hearings. We shouldn’t interrupt them when they are protesting the deportation of face-tattooed sociopaths whom every sane citizen wants out. And we shouldn’t interrupt the DNC, now that they’ve chosen two total idiots as their chair and vice chair.
But while we’re not interrupting them, we should certainly be mocking them. And between mocking them and celebrating the good news happening on our side, I foresee a lot of three-column weeks in my immediate future. (This week might be a four-column one!)
So let’s start this time with the DNC meetings that took place over the weekend, about which I could write a dozen columns, had I but world enough and time.
This kind of meeting is crucial for a newly out-of-power party. The decisions made there
demonstrate how they are processing their loss. If they can correctly diagnose what went wrong, they’ve then got a shot at having the kind of internal struggles that will shape the course of their hoped-for comeback.
So how did it go for the Dem brain-trust this weekend?
Suffice to say that it was the political equivalent of a flaming Hindenburg dropping onto a train which had just wrecked into a dumpster-manufacturing plant, starting a thousand-dumpster fire that burned out of control for two months while the gay SecTrans was out on maternity leave to deal with the physical toll of not having been pregnant or delivering a baby.
After November, the Dems really need to get out of their left-wing bubble and reconnect with the heartland and the battleground, purple states. So they held their confab in DC. Because of course they did.
And it was run by far-left MSNBC host and dim bulb (but I repeat myself) Jonathan Capehart. Because of course it was.
And their candidate line-up consisted of kooky crystal lady Marianne Williamson, generic white guy from the 1973 Sears catalog Martin O’Malley, current DNC Vice Chair and lead Tim AWOLz adviser Ken Martin (because that turned out so well), the Dem party state chair from Wisconsin (which Trump just won), a former Bernie Sanders campaign manager (d’oh), a guy formerly in Homeland Security (at a time when our homeland is super insecure), a little-known machine pol from Massachusetts, and David freakin’ Hogg.
They kicked the whole thing off with one of their idiotic land acknowledgements, which are always insufferable. (Until one of those virtue-signaling, self-stroking performances is followed immediately by the group giving the title of their building, general fund and personal houses to some nearby casino owners, I’m not interested.)
Ooh, I take that back. I did find Lizzie Warren’s land acknowledgement at a recent graduation speech to be pretty interesting.
She said, “I want to start by acknowledging that all of you despicable white trash in this beautiful hall and on this esteemed dais are standing on ground that once belonged to my noble, native ancestors. In fact, my great-great-great grandma Scowls-with-Tomahawk – winner of Miss Tribal Cheekbones of 1839 – was probably spat upon by one of your deplorable great-great-grand-colonizers. So I demand reparations, and the return of this campus. I accept PayPal, Venmo, cash and bitcoin.”
“But no beads! We’re not falling for that again!”
#wemustneverstopmockingher
Where was I?
Oh yeah. After the land acknowledgment, the proceedings somehow managed to go even more downhill. Clueless Capehart asked how many candidates believed that Que Mala lost the election because of racism and sexism, and every numbskull in that Murderers’ Row of Stupid raised their hands to agree. After which smarmy Capehart said, “Good! You all passed.”
Ugh. These people are ineducable! The old saying goes that a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality.
But reality didn’t just mug these people on November 5th. It snuck up on them and sucker punched them to the ground, and then did unspeakable things to them from behind, while pulling their hair and saying mean things to them. And STILL they’ve learned nothing!
Even some lefty spokesmen who were dishonestly touting Kamala before the election – Snake-head Carville, Charlamagne the Dope and the occasionally sane Bill Maher come to mind – have admitted that she was a horrifically bad candidate. Bill Clinton, Obama and Biden have leaked the same truth to friends.
And every sentient biped who watched more than a minute of her speaking over the last four years knows that she was metaphysically awful. But these bubble-dwellers won’t let go of their delusional insistence that she’s just fine, and they’re just fine, and the problem is the evil racists and sexists out there. Who now make up a majority of everyone in the swing states, and most of the people in the nation, apparently.
I’ll spare you the stomach-turning twists and turns that led to the ultimate vote, and just cut to the chase. The Dems followed their traditional strategy of allowing bad candidates to fail upwards, by promoting last year’s Vice Chair Ken Martin (fresh from going 0-7 in the battleground states) to the top spot, and picking little Davy Hogg as the new Vice Chair.
You’ve probably never heard of Ken Martin before, because you have lives, and he’s a nobody. So I know that you’re asking, “Martin, what kind of a SFPI™ rating does he have?”
Regular readers will know that I spent several million dollars on R&D to produce my proprietary Simpson Face Punchability Index™ ratings, which I often sell to CEOs, headhunters, analysts and other powerbrokers who need to vet prospective hires, candidates, etc. But because I love CO nation, I often share SFPI ratings in this column. (You’re welcome.)
It momentarily surprised me that Ken Martin has such a low SFPI – 1.8 – until I did a little more research. It turns out that people with the name “Martin” – first, middle or last name – generally have low SFPI scores, because that moniker is usually borne by the best among us. So that keeps Ken’s SFPI artificially low.
But by far the main factor knocking down Ken’s SFPI is that he’s such a non-entity. This guy has “beta male” written all over him. (And he’s lucky that the military-alphabet naming system for males only has two options, alpha and beta. Because if it featured the entire alphabet, he’d be looking at a status of “x-ray-,” “yankee-,” or “zulu male” for sure.) He’s so effeminate that it would feel wrong to punch him.
Besides, if he ever got into your face or tried to start a fight, you could just put the palm of one hand on the top of his sad little head and let him swing away until he tuckered himself out, like a much smaller younger brother. Or you could pull his sweater up over his head – trapping his arms up in the air and making it difficult for him to breathe, especially since he’s already wearing a stupid mask, even though it’s 2025! – and give him the pinkest pink belly you’ve ever seen.
This guy couldn’t lay a glove on you if you were buying a set of fine Italian leather gloves and he was the assistant glove maker in charge of your fitting, is what I’m saying.
Lest you disbelieve me, please watch the Tiktok video he made 4 years ago, in support of Biden’s “American Rescue Plan.” (Spoiler alert: America just voted to rescue America from Biden’s terrible plan.) In it, he gives off a disquieting Doug Emhoff vibe, wearing a sweater (unexpectedly!) and an uncomfortable smile as he does a little dance celebrating all of the good results that were supposed to come from Biden’s stupid plan.
The good news is that the video is only 8 seconds long. The bad news is that that will be the longest 8 seconds of your life, and you’ll never get it back. Also, if you’re a straight lady, watching this video may make it very difficult to maintain your heterosexuality. So don’t say I didn’t warn you…
So…yeah. That’s the Dems’ new top guy.
David Hogg, on the other hand, is a different story. He has the highest recorded SFPI of all time, an astounding 9.97! Which means that if David Hogg were walking down a sidewalk and came upon Gandhi, Buddha and a pacifist Quaker, they would instinctively descend upon him and beat him to death.
If Jesus was walking with those three, even He would find his knuckles getting itchy.
Smarter Dems are worried that they need to improve their showing with male voters. So naturally, they field a raft of beta males in high-profile positions. (Unexpectedly!) Kamala picks Tampon Tim as her running mate, and touts lady-punching wuss Doug Emhoff, who famously calls himself a “wife dad!” (In most male enclaves in America, those would be fighting words… but he referred to HIMSELF that way! On purpose!)
And now comes the non-binary Hogg to slaughter. David Hogg makes Justin Trudeau look like Chuck Norris at the height of his powers.
How bad is he as a candidate? He somehow turned himself into a white male DEI hire! He launched his career as a slightly more masculine Greta Thunberg type – a child prop used by cynical pols to highlight an issue he is nowhere near informed enough to speak about.
In Thunberg’s case it was our imminent destruction by the sun monster. In Hogg’s case, it was gun control. He initially capitalized on the death of his classmates in the Parkland shooting; an astroturfed anti-gun group sponsored his emotional appeals, after which the Dems arranged PR appearances for him on various MSM outlets.
He was then accepted to Harvard, despite his low SAT score of 1270. (Three-quarters of Harvard students score over a 1470, and the bottom 25% average just over 1400!) After Harvard, he started a pillow company that raised a lot of money, but somehow never delivered a single pillow to customers.
To summarize, he’s an exploitative, arrogant, not very bright child who has no life experience, has earned nothing, and has never had a real job. And he has a face that even a mother would punch.
So naturally, the Democrats said, “That guy has leadership potential!”
I’m feeling pret-ty good about our chances in 2028. Pret-ty, pret-ty good.
Okay this column has gone long. So tomorrow I’ll be back with my take on the latest brilliant PETA stunt.
Until then…
Hamas delenda est!
And also…
Hogg/Warren, 2028!
Martin Simpson 