One challenge about writing about politics right now is that the lightning pace of developments is continually making whatever you write almost immediately outdated. For example, think of the poor Dems who jumped on the “Trump tariffs Colombia” story.
Trump was on the golf course, learned that Colombia’s president said he wouldn’t accept planeloads of Colombian criminals back, and fired off a “here come the tariffs” threat. Then he laced a drive down the middle of the fairway on a par 5.
AOC immediately got off her juicy booty [her words, not mine] and wrote a tweet about the apocalyptic coffee shortage that would engulf America in 1000 years of darkness. Ana Navarro started wailing about how she wouldn’t receive any Colombian flowers for Valentine’s Day. (Yes, sweetheart. THAT’S why you won’t be getting flowers!)
And Grandma Squanto strung her bow and started putting on her warpaint over the imminent Colombian catastrophe. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
But the lefty outrage tweet storm had barely gotten off the launching pad when the Colombian president submitted like Que Mala in a job interview with Willie Brown. Before Trump could putt out on that par 5, he’d won, and the lefty hysterics had to quietly lower their dresses from over their heads, and slink away in humiliated silence.
Well I’m having a similar problem, except in the opposite direction. Before I can finish lacerating some idiotic lefty plan of attack, the attack blows up in the lefties’ faces, confirming my correctness while also rendering my response obsolete.
The latest example is provided by dimwit NJ governor (from guess which party) Phil Murphy. (Rumors that Punxsutawney Phil is smarter than Phil Murphy have not been confirmed. But don’t need to be. Because, duh!)
In a televised interview this weekend, Murphy bragged that he has been harboring an illegal above his garage, and dared the Feds to come and get her. This was a classic case of a beta male cosplaying as a tough guy. (See: Davy Hogg growing the kind of pathetic beard that a gender dysmorphic gal grows after she’s been injecting testosterone for a few months.)
It was also classic Murphy. (Rumors that “Murphy’s Law” was coined about this doofus have not been confirmed. But c’mon.)
So I read about this last night, and started writing a sarcastic little bit of deathless prose about it, to the effect of, “Murphy is going to regret confessing to a crime on video after Tom “Yippie-ky-yay MFer!” Homan hears about it. Because that lean, mean deporting machine is going to make poor Phil not just THINK he’s seen his shadow – he’s going to be afraid of his own shadow!”
I’d started with a few trenchant “Phil Murphy is dumber than Punxsutawney Phil” and “Murphy’s Law was named after this dope” jokes, and was just involving the ghost of Sam Kinison in the fun (“Hey Phil, you know one thing that might not be a smart move for a sitting governor to do? [begin Kinison filter] CONFESSING TO A FELONY ON CAMERA, YOU DIPSH*T! OH!! OHHHHHHH!!!” [end Kinison filter]), when the news broke:
Phil Murphy furiously backpedals, claiming that his statement that he was harboring an illegal had been “misinterpreted.”
D’oh! Can you morons at least give me enough time to take some batting practice on your moronic actions and words before you unravel like a cheap suit?
Regardless, I love Murphy’s lame response. First, because it was delivered by a “representative” of his, undoubtedly a poor schmuck who has to be questioning all of the life choices that led him to becoming a rep for Phil freaking Murphy.
Second because it is SO dumb. Murphy’s comments have been “misinterpreted?!” He literally said, “We said, let’s have [the illegal] live at our house above our garage. And good luck to the feds coming in to try to get her.”
That’s not some obscure paragraph from Finnegan’s Wake or the Book of Revelation that requires a lengthy, tortured exegesis to interpret. The guy said that he’s been harboring an illegal in his garage, and dared Hulk Homan to come and get her.
(And don’t try to steal “Hulk Homan,” because I am hereby copywriting it. But I am open to a joint venture with any t-shirt printers in CO Nation to produce a line of clothing with images of Homan’s head on top of a giant, green, muscular body.)
Then: one… hour… lay-tair…
Murphy’s miserable, flop-sweating rep is fidgeting in front of cameras like a slightly more masculine Karine Jeanne-Pierre. “No, no, no. When the governor said, ‘I’ve got an illegal living in my garage,’ what he meant was, ‘I definitely DON’T have an illegal living in my garage.’ See? It’s just all a big misunderstanding. And a misinterpretation. You remember when Tampon Tim Walz said, ‘I’m just a knucklehead?’ It’s like that.”
By the way, during the Dems’ covid hysteria, Phil Murphy had New Jersey residents arrested for going to the gym. Because “no one is above the law.”
Also, according to Title 8 of U.S.C. 1324, penalties for harboring an illegal immigrant include fines up to $250K and imprisonment for up to 5 years.
But after he’s done three years inside, we’ll let Phil walk out into the prison yard.
If he sees his shadow, he’s got two more years in the can.
Hogg/Warren 2028!
Martin Simpson 