February 2025 – Page 2 – Martin Simpson

About every 15 minutes lately, I’m reminded of the sage advice that you should never interrupt an opponent when he’s making a mistake. And if that adage is true, we may need to refrain from interrupting the Democrats for many years in the future.

We shouldn’t interrupt their senators when they are stepping on rakes with their idiotic rants in lieu of questions during cabinet confirmation hearings. We shouldn’t interrupt them when they are protesting the deportation of face-tattooed sociopaths whom every sane citizen wants out. And we shouldn’t interrupt the DNC, now that they’ve chosen two total idiots as their chair and vice chair.

But while we’re not interrupting them, we should certainly be mocking them. And between mocking them and celebrating the good news happening on our side, I foresee a lot of three-column weeks in my immediate future. (This week might be a four-column one!)

So let’s start this time with the DNC meetings that took place over the weekend, about which I could write a dozen columns, had I but world enough and time.

This kind of meeting is crucial for a newly out-of-power party. The decisions made there

demonstrate how they are processing their loss. If they can correctly diagnose what went wrong, they’ve then got a shot at having the kind of internal struggles that will shape the course of their hoped-for comeback.

So how did it go for the Dem brain-trust this weekend?

Suffice to say that it was the political equivalent of a flaming Hindenburg dropping onto a train which had just wrecked into a dumpster-manufacturing plant, starting a thousand-dumpster fire that burned out of control for two months while the gay SecTrans was out on maternity leave to deal with the physical toll of not having been pregnant or delivering a baby.

After November, the Dems really need to get out of their left-wing bubble and reconnect with the heartland and the battleground, purple states. So they held their confab in DC. Because of course they did.

And it was run by far-left MSNBC host and dim bulb (but I repeat myself) Jonathan Capehart. Because of course it was.

And their candidate line-up consisted of kooky crystal lady Marianne Williamson, generic white guy from the 1973 Sears catalog Martin O’Malley, current DNC Vice Chair and lead Tim AWOLz adviser Ken Martin (because that turned out so well), the Dem party state chair from Wisconsin (which Trump just won), a former Bernie Sanders campaign manager (d’oh), a guy formerly in Homeland Security (at a time when our homeland is super insecure), a little-known machine pol from Massachusetts, and David freakin’ Hogg.

They kicked the whole thing off with one of their idiotic land acknowledgements, which are always insufferable. (Until one of those virtue-signaling, self-stroking performances is followed immediately by the group giving the title of their building, general fund and personal houses to some nearby casino owners, I’m not interested.)

Ooh, I take that back. I did find Lizzie Warren’s land acknowledgement at a recent graduation speech to be pretty interesting.

She said, “I want to start by acknowledging that all of you despicable white trash in this beautiful hall and on this esteemed dais are standing on ground that once belonged to my noble, native ancestors. In fact, my great-great-great grandma Scowls-with-Tomahawk – winner of Miss Tribal Cheekbones of 1839 – was probably spat upon by one of your deplorable great-great-grand-colonizers. So I demand reparations, and the return of this campus. I accept PayPal, Venmo, cash and bitcoin.”

“But no beads! We’re not falling for that again!”

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Where was I?

Oh yeah. After the land acknowledgment, the proceedings somehow managed to go even more downhill. Clueless Capehart asked how many candidates believed that Que Mala lost the election because of racism and sexism, and every numbskull in that Murderers’ Row of Stupid raised their hands to agree. After which smarmy Capehart said, “Good! You all passed.”

Ugh. These people are ineducable! The old saying goes that a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality.

But reality didn’t just mug these people on November 5^th. It snuck up on them and sucker punched them to the ground, and then did unspeakable things to them from behind, while pulling their hair and saying mean things to them. And STILL they’ve learned nothing!

Even some lefty spokesmen who were dishonestly touting Kamala before the election – Snake-head Carville, Charlamagne the Dope and the occasionally sane Bill Maher come to mind – have admitted that she was a horrifically bad candidate. Bill Clinton, Obama and Biden have leaked the same truth to friends.

And every sentient biped who watched more than a minute of her speaking over the last four years knows that she was metaphysically awful. But these bubble-dwellers won’t let go of their delusional insistence that she’s just fine, and they’re just fine, and the problem is the evil racists and sexists out there. Who now make up a majority of everyone in the swing states, and most of the people in the nation, apparently.

I’ll spare you the stomach-turning twists and turns that led to the ultimate vote, and just cut to the chase. The Dems followed their traditional strategy of allowing bad candidates to fail upwards, by promoting last year’s Vice Chair Ken Martin (fresh from going 0-7 in the battleground states) to the top spot, and picking little Davy Hogg as the new Vice Chair.

You’ve probably never heard of Ken Martin before, because you have lives, and he’s a nobody. So I know that you’re asking, “Martin, what kind of a SFPI™ rating does he have?”

Regular readers will know that I spent several million dollars on R&D to produce my proprietary Simpson Face Punchability Index™ ratings, which I often sell to CEOs, headhunters, analysts and other powerbrokers who need to vet prospective hires, candidates, etc. But because I love CO nation, I often share SFPI ratings in this column. (You’re welcome.)

It momentarily surprised me that Ken Martin has such a low SFPI – 1.8 – until I did a little more research. It turns out that people with the name “Martin” – first, middle or last name – generally have low SFPI scores, because that moniker is usually borne by the best among us. So that keeps Ken’s SFPI artificially low.

But by far the main factor knocking down Ken’s SFPI is that he’s such a non-entity. This guy has “beta male” written all over him. (And he’s lucky that the military-alphabet naming system for males only has two options, alpha and beta. Because if it featured the entire alphabet, he’d be looking at a status of “x-ray-,” “yankee-,” or “zulu male” for sure.) He’s so effeminate that it would feel wrong to punch him.

Besides, if he ever got into your face or tried to start a fight, you could just put the palm of one hand on the top of his sad little head and let him swing away until he tuckered himself out, like a much smaller younger brother. Or you could pull his sweater up over his head – trapping his arms up in the air and making it difficult for him to breathe, especially since he’s already wearing a stupid mask, even though it’s 2025! – and give him the pinkest pink belly you’ve ever seen.

This guy couldn’t lay a glove on you if you were buying a set of fine Italian leather gloves and he was the assistant glove maker in charge of your fitting, is what I’m saying.

Lest you disbelieve me, please watch the Tiktok video he made 4 years ago, in support of Biden’s “American Rescue Plan.” (Spoiler alert: America just voted to rescue America from Biden’s terrible plan.) In it, he gives off a disquieting Doug Emhoff vibe, wearing a sweater (unexpectedly!) and an uncomfortable smile as he does a little dance celebrating all of the good results that were supposed to come from Biden’s stupid plan.

The good news is that the video is only 8 seconds long. The bad news is that that will be the longest 8 seconds of your life, and you’ll never get it back. Also, if you’re a straight lady, watching this video may make it very difficult to maintain your heterosexuality. So don’t say I didn’t warn you…

So…yeah. That’s the Dems’ new top guy.

David Hogg, on the other hand, is a different story. He has the highest recorded SFPI of all time, an astounding 9.97! Which means that if David Hogg were walking down a sidewalk and came upon Gandhi, Buddha and a pacifist Quaker, they would instinctively descend upon him and beat him to death.

If Jesus was walking with those three, even He would find his knuckles getting itchy.

Smarter Dems are worried that they need to improve their showing with male voters. So naturally, they field a raft of beta males in high-profile positions. (Unexpectedly!) Kamala picks Tampon Tim as her running mate, and touts lady-punching wuss Doug Emhoff, who famously calls himself a “wife dad!” (In most male enclaves in America, those would be fighting words… but he referred to HIMSELF that way! On purpose!)

And now comes the non-binary Hogg to slaughter. David Hogg makes Justin Trudeau look like Chuck Norris at the height of his powers.

How bad is he as a candidate? He somehow turned himself into a white male DEI hire! He launched his career as a slightly more masculine Greta Thunberg type – a child prop used by cynical pols to highlight an issue he is nowhere near informed enough to speak about.

In Thunberg’s case it was our imminent destruction by the sun monster. In Hogg’s case, it was gun control. He initially capitalized on the death of his classmates in the Parkland shooting; an astroturfed anti-gun group sponsored his emotional appeals, after which the Dems arranged PR appearances for him on various MSM outlets.

He was then accepted to Harvard, despite his low SAT score of 1270. (Three-quarters of Harvard students score over a 1470, and the bottom 25% average just over 1400!) After Harvard, he started a pillow company that raised a lot of money, but somehow never delivered a single pillow to customers.

To summarize, he’s an exploitative, arrogant, not very bright child who has no life experience, has earned nothing, and has never had a real job. And he has a face that even a mother would punch.

So naturally, the Democrats said, “That guy has leadership potential!”

I’m feeling pret-ty good about our chances in 2028. Pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Okay this column has gone long. So tomorrow I’ll be back with my take on the latest brilliant PETA stunt.

Until then…

Hamas delenda est!

And also…

Hogg/Warren, 2028!

After only two weeks of watching the Democrat senators’ questioning of Trump’s cabinet nominees, I’m beginning to suspect that many Dem senators are undercover “plants.” How else can you explain the self-discrediting buffoonery of Sheldon Whitehouse, Grandma Squanto, Ron Wyden, Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Dick “nobody calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everyone secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal et al?

Seriously. Just like Hezbollah terrorists were tricked into blowing themselves up by giving them pagers, these knuckleheads were tricked into blowing their credibility up by giving them microphones.

Dick Blumenthal is the most famous “stolen valor” perpetrator in DC, having lied about serving in Vietnam. So sure, have him question the military qualifications of decorated combat veteran Pete Hegseth.

Ron Wyden has a waxy, unhealthy appearance that is truly tough to look at. So sure, have him tout his expertise about health to attack RFK Jr.

Sheldon Whitehouse is named “Sheldon,” and he deserves it. He’s the Ted Baxter of the Senate: nice, full head of white hair, on top of an empty, bloviating head.

I loved his tone-deaf arrogance when he confronted Kash Patel with a mangled quote of his, demanding to know, “Is that what you said?” When Patel said, “That’s completely incorrect, and I appreciate the opportunity to address that—” Sheldon interrupted with, “I’ll give you opportunity, in writing, but this is my time now!”

Good lord! You’re supposed to be asking nominees questions in order to elicit their answers! If you were just going to spit out some slander so that he can write you back later, what are you even doing here?

I wish Patel would have just pulled out his phone and started checking out websites. Then when Sheldy objected, he could say, “Since I’m not allowed to respond, I’m going to let you have your time, while I check out the latest beating you’re taking in the comments section on “Sheldonisadouchebag.com”

It got so bad that the dimwit senators were repeatedly being laughed at. Who had, “An octogenarian socialist senator will angrily grill a grown cabinet nominee to renounce the message on an infant’s onesie!” on their confirmation bingo card?

The male senators made male viewers cringe, and the females did no favors for their pet cause of identity politics. Amy Klobuchar waxed hysterical and grilled a guy without listening to him, and Grandma Squanto gave RFK her most grating “school marm on the warpath” impression. #wemustneverstopmockingher

By the way, a CNN headline on Thursday read, “Trump’s Cabinet nominees face sharpest grilling to date.” “Sharpest?” Really? Nobody has ever associated “sharp” with anybody in this lineup.

In the end, of course, this kind of performative, narcissistic grandstanding is not going to persuade anybody. The Dems could have used their opportunity to ask probing questions that might prompt substantive answers that could potentially catch nominees in inconsistencies or flaws in their thinking.

Instead, they demonstrated that they’ve learned nothing from the electoral whipping they took in November. They doubled down on amateurishly misleading accusations in lieu of questions, and childish cries of, “January 6^th!” and “Orange Hitler!” All of which can only remind most Americans of why they gave the GOP congress and the White House.

But it wasn’t only the Dems in the confirmation hearings who were playing the fool. Because outside of DC, Tom “Yippee-ki-Yay MFer” Homan was doing God’s work – rounding up foreign criminals to make our streets safer. But as usual, some leftist dullards opposed him.

This time the fight was in Illinois, where two US Secret Service agents went to a Chicago elementary school to investigate a threat that had been made on Tiktok. There they introduced themselves to staff as Secret Service agents, and showed ID, but were not allowed entry to the school.

Soon afterwards, Chicago Public Schools CEO Pedro Martinez (who is doing a bang-up job, considering the near zero per cent of Chicago public school students who can read, write or do math at grade level) went on MSNBC to falsely claim that ICE agents went to the school to detain illegal immigrant children.

Because of course he did.

Upon hearing that, Governor Pritzker (#putdownthatcomicallyoversizedturkeyleg) waddled into action, typing out the following tweet with his creepy, sausage fingers: “After a week of Republicans sowing fear and chaos, the first reports of raids in Chicago are at an elementary school. Targeting children and separating families is cruel and un-American.”

So is allowing hordes of foreign criminals to prey on your citizens, and lying about it. And also, scarfing down an amount of food in one day that could have been used to provide lunches for all the children in a large Chicago school for a month.

When Homan heard about Pritzker’s error, he went on Fox News to point out that Pritzker was the one who terrified the community by repeating a lie which he could easily have checked out first.

He also mentioned that Pedro “Sherlock” Martinez could have used all of his powers of deduction to solve “The Case of the Phantom Ice Agents.” Step one would have been to talk to the school officials, who would have told him that Secret Service agents who identified themselves as Secret Service agents – and who left their cards which identified them as… wait for it… Secret Service agents! – had come to the school.

Then, after filling several white boards with detailed notes and calculations, he could have arrived at the conclusion that these were NOT Ice Agents at all!

But nope. Brainiac Martinez apparently graduated from a Chicago public school, so he reads at an AOC level. And when he was trying to sound out “secret service,” he recognized the last three letters as “I – C – E.” And off he ran to MSNBC.

Homan said that Pritzker needs to give ICE an apology, but he probably shouldn’t get his hopes up. Because even if Pritzker had the decency to apologize, there’s no way you’re going to understand a guy talking with his mouth that full.

Have a good weekend, and brace yourself for even more winning!