Quick note: I’ll post columns on Wednesday and Friday, because I’m trying to keep up. Also, I’m through the worst of the poison ivy, though my forearms still have a swollen, Popeye-esque appearance…if Popeye had been resting his forearms on a table in the Chernobyl cafeteria on that fateful day.
But I don’t like to complain.
The Ides of March gave me my favorite story of the month so far, even though there’s been stiff competition already: Rosie O’Donnell deporting herself to Ireland. South Carolina granting that double-murderer a firing squad send-off. The Gators stomping their way through the SEC tournament like Sherman through Georgia.
But the new leader in the clubhouse is… Trump’s deportation of nearly 300 Venezuelan gang-bangers to El Salvador!
It’s got everything: 1. Trump deporting nearly 300 Venezuelan gangbangers; 2. An arrogant cranial-rectal-inversion-suffering leftist judge who thinks that someone has appointed him King of America, and 3. A great response by my all-time favorite Nayib in world history.
The first point is beyond obvious: giving foreign thugs the heave-ho is clearly a fundamental good. If Conan had been asked what are the FOUR best things in life, he would have kept the big three – to crush your enemies, see them being driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their cis- and trans-gender women – and added “to cuff and stuff a bunch of Tren de Aragua dirtbags into the cargo hold of a large aircraft and get them the hell out of my country.”
Duh!
Second, until SCOTUS steps in and squashes some of these narcissistic district judges – And what’s the hold up on that, anyway? – it was sweet to see far-left D-bag “Judge” James Boasberg’s will thwarted.
Q: Does the “D” stand for “Democrat,” “Dreadful,” or “Douche?”
A: Yes.
By the time Boasberg gave his haughty order to return the Con Air flights to America, both planes were already off the Yucatan Peninsula. And even though I’m no map-ologist, I’m pretty sure that’s outside of American airspace.
But Emperor Boasberg the Impotent was undaunted. You’d think that maybe a DC District Court judge’s rulings might be limited to, oh, I don’t know… [begin Sam Kinison filter] INSIDE THE DC DISTRICT?! OH! OHHHHH!!!! [end Kinison filter].
But no. When His Highness Boasberg gives an order, it’s a Biblical-adjacent command, to be enforced throughout the four corners of the earth. It requires obeisance from all, including the fish that swimmeth in the seas, the beasts that creepeth upon the earth, and the fowl – and US aircraft – that flieth through the international airspace.
Yes. He demanded that any flights should be turned around mid-air. “This is something that you need to make sure is complied with immediately,” saith the activist cosplaying as a jurist.
The Trump administration’s response? “Suck it, your ‘honor.’” (And let the transcript reflect that there were sarcastic quotation marks around ‘honor.’)
Okay, that was my paraphrase. What they actually said, according to a report of the administration’s internal discussion, was, “They were already outside of US airspace. We believe the order is not applicable.” Thus, the “suck it” was only implied.
But very clearly so.
The cherry on this schadenfreude sundae was the part played by one of my international heroes, and the finest of all Nayibs throughout history, El Salvador’s president Bukele.
And yes, there have been other “Nayibs” – including 10th-century Persian poet and scholar Nayib al-Hamadani and 12th-century Islamic theologian Nayib al-Isfahani, of course. (I do my homework, people.)
But from now on, when you say, “Nayib,” I say, “BUKELE!”
I love this guy! He took 23 MS-13 El Salvadoran killers, along with the 238 TDA gangsters from Venezuela, and he’s going to punish and work them hard. We’re paying him a small fee to take the TDA ghouls, and he spelled out his Trumpy plan for them.
They’re going into a giant “terrorism confinement center” where they will be “engaged in various workshops and labor under the Zero Idleness program.” (As opposed to American Democrats’ nationwide fiscal black hole of a soul-shriveling welfare system, the “Maximum Idleness Program.”)
He explains the details, ending with, “We continue advancing in the fight against organized crime… [while] also helping our allies, making our prison system self-sustainable, and obtaining vital intelligence to make our country an even safer place. All in a single action. May God bless El Salvador, and may God bless the United States.”
(You say, “Nayib,” I say, “BUKELE!”)
Oh, and Bukele also sent a tweet in response to Jimmy Boasberg ordering the gangbangers’ return to him: “Oopsie… Too late.” Followed by a “crying-laughing” emoji. Perfect!
I expect the Dems to scream and fight about Trump’s illegally ignoring this creepy judge’s diktat, and we need to save this story for campaign ads in ’26 and ’28. Since January 20th, our lefties have been taking the 20 side of every 80/20 issue, but on this one, they’ll be taking the 1 side on a 99/1 issue!
Their clear, undeniable argument is, “Don’t you dare remove the violent criminals we invited into the US! Bring back those thugs, right now!”
“But Martin,” you might be saying to yourself, “where’s your American pride? Shouldn’t you be praising our own prison system, instead of sounding like the president of the local Nayib Bukele fan club?”
First of all, we call ourselves, “The Bukele Bunch,” and meetings are on Thursdays at the nearest library.
Second, you wouldn’t be suggesting that if you had read the article that CO himself posted on Saturday, telling the story of Indiana “transgender” inmate Jonathan Richardson (he prefers “Autumn Cordellione”) who wants taxpayers to pay for his “sex change” surgery.
Even if you only scrolled past the story, you probably remember this looker. Bald, full facial and skull tattoos, unconvincingly drawn-on eyebrows. One eye looking at the camera, the other at next Tuesday.
Yeah. That baby-strangling freak.
And I’m not just using that phrase as rhetorical exaggeration. He strangled an 11-month old baby several decades ago, so naturally we’re still feeding him. And Judge Richard “everyone calls him Dick” Young has ordered that “Ms. Cordellione” receive “gender-affirming surgery at the earliest opportunity.”
Yes, Young was appointed by Bill Clinton. (UNEXPECTEDLY!) Why do you ask?
Obviously, we should immediately do whatever we can to try to recall or impeach this moron judge. But in the meantime, can’t we find a way to comply with the letter of the law, while sparing Indiana taxpayers a huge bill?
I’m no Sex-change-ologist – I completed the coursework for that, but never managed to pass my certification test – but I like to think I’m an out-of-the-box-thinking Renaissance man. Call me a gringo Nayib Bukele, if you must. And I have a proposal.
Send an Indiana cop to the nearest DOT maintenance shed and pick up whichever set of pruning shears and loppers are lying around on the dirt floor closest to the door. Don’t bother washing them, or testing them for poison ivy oils on the handles or blades.
Stop at a local still for a mason jar of hi-test grain alcohol. (If there is a warning label on it mentioning possible side effects such as blindness, remove that label. But spoiler alert: there is no such label.)
I am volunteering to do this next step myself, if you will just pay my airfare to Indiana.
I’ll put the baby killer into a small, soundproof cinderblock room at the prison, containing only a wooden chair and table. I’ll put the above-mentioned items onto the table, along with three band-aids and several towels, which I may or may not have doused with poison ivy oil.
Then I’ll read the following statement to the prisoner: “Here are some surgical tools, some grain alcohol, some towels and band-aids, which the taxpayers of Indiana have provided for you. You’re welcome. My advice is to drink half of the grain alcohol for anesthetic purposes, then have at your junk with the shears, or the loppers, or both.
Once you’ve completed the removal – around here we call the result either a “total Gavin” or “the complete Newsom” – rub the dirt from the tool blades on the wound, because my high school football coach assured me that that always helps when you’re in physical discomfort. Then douse the affected area with the germ-killing (if a tiny bit astringent) remnants of the grain alcohol, and firmly press the towels against it to stop the bleeding.
By the way, the band-aids are to put over your mouth, to prevent your cries of agony from annoying the other prisoners.”
Then I will step out of the room. And because research says that it takes no more than 20 minutes to bleed out after accidentally opening one of the major blood vessels in the groinular region, I’ll check in again on the prisoner.
In 25 minutes.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 