Month: March 2025

Get Ready for Whiplash: It’s Hamas and Jake Tapper (posted 3/7/25)

Today I’ve got two topics: an update on Hamas, and Jake Tapper’s latest indignity.

Let’s save Jake for last, since we’ll need a light, buffoonish closer after discussing the child-murderers and mass rapists of Hamas.

Regular readers know that I often end my columns with “Hamas delenda est!” as a homage to the great Roman Cato the Elder’s ending to every speech he gave, “Carthago delenda est!”  Cato was reminding his fellow citizens that their enemy in Carthage must be destroyed, and I am reminding CO Nation that Hamas is sorely in need of warheads on their foreheads, as the saying goes.  

I haven’t written about Hamas as much lately, mostly because of the constant deluge of political stories stateside since Trump’s delenda-ing of both the Cadaver and the Cackler in November.

But Hamas is still around, and they still shouldn’t be, and I’m encouraged by Trump’s recent statements that they better release their hostages quick, fast and in a hurry, or else he’s going to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Big Dreidel.  (You may remember them from “Disemboweling Pager Party, 2024!”)

I know that Israel’s leader is up for it – he puts the “Yahoo!” in Netanyahu – and I’m hoping that with Trump’s support, he hammers Hamas very soon.  Because they are among the worst people to ever walk the earth.

I thought they couldn’t be more bestial than they were on October 7th, but their recent “release” of the bodies of young mother Shiri Bibas and her two toddlers, Ariel and Kfir was possibly worse. 

They paraded the corpses through town in locked coffins with paperwork listing the date of their “arrest” as October 7th.  They set up a stage with huge photos of the dead and Netanyahu, circled by gouts of simulated blood.  After a ghoulish photo-op, they turned the coffins over to the Red Cross.

When the Israelis finally received and tried to unlock the coffins, they discovered that the keys Hamas had given them didn’t fit the locks. When they broke the locks open, they found the coffins stuffed with Hamas propaganda surrounding the bodies.  When they examined the children, they found that they had been beaten or strangled to death, rather than killed in an Israeli airstrike, as the lying jihadi scumbags had claimed.  And when they examined the mom, they found that it wasn’t her body.  It took another day or two for the evil pr*cks to return her remains.

Two other details:  According to video and reports, it wasn’t Hamas “fighters” who captured the Bibas family on October 7th, but “Palestinian” “civilians” who accompanied their cowardly co-religionists to torment the Jews and loot their property.    

And many hundreds – possibly thousands – of those “civilians” danced and sang and celebrated while the black-hearted parade of their victims’ broken bodies was going on.  In that context, what does it mean to call any of them either “innocent” or “civilians?” I know that their children are innocent, since they haven’t yet grown up into the psychopathic, anti-Semitic thugs their parents are raising them to be.

But in all wars, there is collateral damage.  And after Israel has sacrificed so much and lost so many in their heroic efforts to limit collateral damage in Gaza, I think the day is coming when they’ll have to take a page from the empire that once oppressed them, and “Go Roman” on Hamas.

Am I saying that if this kind of devil’s parade makes its way through streets filled with celebrating homicidal freaks carrying murdered Israeli children again, an Israeli pilot flying a borrowed A-10 Warthog should make a low pass down that street with that awesome Gatling gun and cannon blazing?

If I can quote a recently defeated candidate who is at this very moment guzzling box wine and wondering what went wrong – and I think that I can – I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Whoo.  Glad I could get that off my chest. 

And now, for the silly little man the great Dennis Miller used to call Tap-Tap the Chiseler…

Jake Tapper is coming out with a tell-all book in May about the shameful media cover-up of Joe Biden’s obvious physical and mental frailty.

Did I say “tell-all?”  I meant, “tell-some.”  Because in his diligent spelunking for the truth – the book’s publicity touts interviews with over 200 insiders – he failed to land one key character at the heart of his tale.  The Deep Throat for this Watergate.  The White Whale for this epic quest. 

Okay, I’m getting carried away.  We all know that Tapper is not some significant figure like Moby Dick.  (Though Tapper could pull off one part of that name.) (And in case AOC is reading this, I don’t mean the “moby” part, Your Juiciness.)

#yourwordsnotmine

So the one Moriarity (I can’t help myself) at the center of the coverup that Tapper couldn’t interrogate was… wait for it… Jake Tapper!

Because of course Jake was an unindicted conspirator in the whole mess.  For years he faithfully delivered the ridiculous leftist talking points – Biden is sharp as a tack!  Videos of him looking feeble are deep fakes!  Who hasn’t fallen, and fallen, and fallen up a mobile airplane staircase? – like a yapping lapdog with no moral compass. 

My favorite of his idiotic self-own videos is when he condescendingly interviewed Lara Trump, accusing her of defaming Biden’s cognitive brilliance and barely letting her get a word in edgewise.  And he raised the lamest defense of all – Biden’s phantom stutter – to attack her.

When I first heard the Dems bring that up, I thought that they must be joking.  Because who’s ever heard of a childhood stutter that disappears for 60+ years, then comes back only when an old buzzard creakily shuffles toward death’s door?

But I said to myself, “Martin, you’re a witty and a ruggedly handsome elderly gentleman.  But that’s not important right now.  Because you’re also a fair man, and a working dog and not a show dog.  So you should do some research on stuttering before you dismiss the leftists’ laughable excuse-making as the utter hogwash that it obviously is.” 

So I did my homework, and I searched medical literature for everything I could find about NDSRO (Near-Death Stutter Re-Occurence). 

I looked for all of the common symptoms that Biden had displayed:  Compulsive Hair Sniffing; TOSS (Tripping over Sandbags Syndrome), SHWGS (Shaking Hands With Ghosts Syndrome), and even Emotional Dysregulation with Associated Intermittent CWS and SAHOS (Creepy Whisper Syndrome and Sudden Alarming Hollering Outburst Syndrome). 

And it turns out that none of those exist. UNEXPECTEDLY!

But that didn’t deter Jake the Snake, who followed video of Lara discussing Biden’s inability to speak a coherent sentence with the challenge, “How do you think it makes little kids with stutters feel when they hear you make a comment like that?”

Ugh. Is that not the perfect distillation of dishonest leftism?  A lie, a bad-faith accusation, and then “Won’t someone please think of the children?!”

When she stated the obvious – Biden doesn’t have a stutter, he’s in obvious cognitive decline – Jake wouldn’t have it, and started lambasting her because she has “no standing to diagnose his mental condition.” 

No she doesn’t, Moby.  But she does have something that she shares with the 300ish million in the American PWFE (People with Functioning Eyes) community: she can recognize a doddering old fool when she sees one! 

Just like you could, Jake.  But you took a huge paycheck to look the other way, stick your fingers in your ears and say, “Biden is perfect in every way,” for four long years.

And now, when everybody is free to admit the truth, you’re looking for another big paycheck for writing a book that ignores the complicit Donkey in the room, i.e. you!

Not since OJ Simpson (no relation, people! I can’t emphasize that enough) wrote “(If) I Did It” has a guilty man put out such a blatantly sleazy and hypocritical book.  Tapper’s title is “Original Sin: Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-up, and his Disastrous Choice to Run Again.” 

I would have respected him more if he had at least demonstrated as much integrity as OJ (!), and titled it, “(My) Original Sin…” 

Hamas delenda est!

Reaction to Trump’s Quasi-SOTU Speech (posted 3/5/25)

I had a couple of topics to write about this morning, but they will have to wait until Friday, because I can’t not comment on last night’s State of the Union-adjacent speech.

I’ve written before about how I generally don’t like these things.  All of the rote jumping up and down in applause by the party in power, and the concomitant studied silence by the other party, the using of people in the crowd as props to put a human face on various political issues, etc.  

Because I’m a grumpy old man about this stuff, I prefer the way the early Founders handled SOTUs: they sent a letter that was read out in congress, and that was it.  

I’d like to return to that.  Just a handful of paragraphs hitting the highlights: “Our navy has whipped the Barbary Pirates, our cavalry has kept the raiding parties from the savage Warrens at bay on our western frontier (#wemustneverstopmockingher), and the sorghum crop this year is abundant.  Thank ye, and God bless America.”

But having said that, if you’re going to do a modern SOTU, this was the way to do it.  Though it was too long (they all are), there were a lot of strong lines. (My favorite was about the border:   “[The Dems] said that they needed a new law to secure the border, but all we needed was a new president.”)  

And Trump demonstrated his flair for the dramatic, with one feel-good announcement after another.  A key terrorist from the Abbey Gate attack has been captured and is on his way to face American justice; the young black kid who had brain cancer getting made an honorary agent; the high school kid being told he’s been accepted at West Point; Jocelyn Nungaray’s mom being told that a wildlife sanctuary has been renamed for her daughter; reading the letter from Zelensky saying that the minerals deal is back on, etc.

But perhaps the best news for the country to come out of the speech was the Democrats’ stunning demonstration that they are incapable of reading either a nation, a moment, or a room.  Because they are ineducable.  Bone-deep, weapons-grade stupid.

I’ll admit that it’s always a tough gig to be the out-of-power party at a SOTU.  You have to sit on your hands most of the night while the opposition is standing and applauding, and it’s not easy to do that without looking petulant.

But you know what’s an even worse look?  Heckling like children, and applauding only ONE THING in the entire speech, and choosing the worst possible thing for that one moment of applause.

They started the night off on the wrong foot, heckling and yelling out immediately.  You may  remember when one GOP congressman, after listening to Obama lie for half an hour straight in one of his SOTUs, yelled, “You lie!”  The entire MSM nearly melted down, and the hyperventilating lasted for days.  “This is unprecedented!  The most inappropriate violation we’ve ever seen!  Would he ever have yelled like that at a white president?  Racist!!”

But double standard, thy name is Democrat.   

The first and the worst offender was Al Green.  You might remember Al Green as a talented soul singer, but now his fine name has been besmirched by one of the worst Democrats in congress.  And that’s really saying something, considering that Melting Face Maxine Waters, Ilhan “Allahu Akbar!” Omar, and Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine) are all in the congress. 

The Democrat (bad) Al Green is tough to look at, and tougher to listen to.  Luckily, in the first few minutes of the speech he started to scream incoherently, and the GOP was ready for him, sending the Sergeant at Arms to escort him out.

Which brings up several questions for me:

1. What’s the point of having the title “Sergeant at Arms” if you aren’t armed?

2. If you are armed, why didn’t you let bad Al Green ride the lightning?  Are tasers broken? 

3. Since when are disordered lunatics allowed to carry a cane with a big metal head on it into the presence of the President? 

Obviously, the Sergeant at Arms missed a golden opportunity, because as soon as the bad Al Green started hollering and raised his cane, Sarge could have yelled, “CANE!  Swarm! SWARM!” and initiated a violent pile-on.

And if, once the agents had picked Green’s body up and carried him out, it turned out that his cane had been accidentally shoved into a position that required a doctor to remove it, that’s the chance you take when you bring a cylindrical object into a SOTU and act like a fool.

I would also have accepted a third option for dealing with Green, which regular readers may remember from a few earlier columns of mine.  I’m speaking, of course, of the Robot Flamethrower Dog!

Sure, some might object to deploying a RFD in the confined space of a SOTU.  But since bad Al Green was sitting amidst the other Democrats, what’s the worst that could happen?  Maybe a few facial burns – which in many cases would be a lateral move at worst, appearance-wise – and a few of those idiotic paddles being scorched. 

You say, “collateral damage,” I say, “collateral hilarity.”

And speaking of those paddles, what grade are those people in?!   Unless you’re going to a ping pong tournament, an auction, or a sick kink party at the Biden-era NSA, you should not be carrying a paddle around in public.

And the idiotic lines printed on the paddles reinforced the Dems’ terrible judgment in two ways: they were pre-printed, which meant that this bonehead stunt was premediated, and the printed phrases were such banal imbecilities.

“Musk Steals,” “False,” and “Save Medicaid.”  I’ve seen smarter messages on a Magic 8 Ball when I was a kid.

“Are these Democrats really going through with this childish stunt?”

“Signs point to yes.” 

“Is there a greater concentration of low-IQ numbskulls anywhere on earth right now?”

“My sources say no.” 

And Trump cannily set them up for the bad optics, with his riff on, “There is nothing I could say to make them happy, or to make them smile or applaud, even if I cured a terrible disease.” 

The Dems immediately proved him right.  They wouldn’t applaud for a black kid with brain cancer, or for terrorists being brought to justice, or for a 95-year-old mom getting her son back from a Russian prison.

So what was the one thing they were willing to celebrate? 

I’m not making this up.  When Trump challenged them, asking, “Do you want to keep this war [in Ukraine] going for another 5 years?” the morons started clapping.  Trump saw one of them, and took the personal shot, saying, “Pocahontas says yes.” 

And when the camera panned to the Powhatan Pale-Face herself, she doubled down on dumb, and applauded more vigorously.

She really is that out of touch!  This dowager with none of her (extremely white) skin in the game actually clapped for five more years of war.  “Yay!  Let’s fight to the last Ukrainian!”  

And that is why… say it with me again, people… 

#wemustneverstopmockingher!

Thinking About Governmental Job Losses (posted 3/3/25)

Before I get to my main topic, I have to note that on Saturday, CA Gov and featureless-plastic-crotch-having human-Ken-Doll Gavin Newsom (D)elinquent, declared a “state of emergency” for brush clearance due to wildfire danger. 

Which came as a much-appreciated warning to the residents of Pacific Palisades…except that the brush around their houses has already been cleared. 

By an enormous fire. 

Which also consumed their houses. 

Months ago.

Newsom would be a big hit in farm country, where I grew up.  He could walk up to farmhouses and holler through the screen door.  “Your horse escaped two days ago, and he’s just been seen three counties away.  So close your barn door immediately!  You’re welcome.”

And then he could try to make it off the property before the farmer or his wife could load the shotgun with rock salt.     

As you may have noticed, I’ve been having some fun lately mocking many of the government workers who have been getting laid off or fired, and deservedly so, including the treacherous deep-state “resistance” types, and corrupt leadership in the FBI, the military and elsewhere.

In Friday’s column, I mocked the disordered pervs at the NSA who spent their work hours on message boards talking about their polycules (don’t ask), the joys of castration (please, don’t ask!) and how good it feels to have one’s an*s lasered (for the love of all that is holy, DON’T ASK!!)    

But reader Jon Michael Watson – thanks for sharing the column, Jon – made a good point.  He said that while it is “proper that these lost and fallen gov’t employees are no longer sucking up taxpayer dollars,” many government workers are good people doing good work, and are getting tarred with the same brush.  (I paraphrased a bit, but I think I fairly summarized his meaning.)

Jon’s point is well taken, and worth remembering.  We all know that our national debt is unsustainable, and deep spending cuts are going to have to be made to avert a future economic collapse.  But those cuts are going to hurt some real people, and it’s a bad look to be gleeful about everybody losing their jobs.

“Martin,” you might be saying, “aren’t you being a hypocrite by saying that, especially after your world-class, hilarious send-up of the NSA kink ring last Friday, which should probably win a Nobel Prize for political humor, if only there were such a thing?”

First, who am I to fly in the face of public opinion on that second part? 

But re: hypocrisy, I plead guilty to a lesser count.  Is there such a thing as misdemeanor-level negligent hypocrisy?

At my sentencing, I would raise some extenuating circumstances to try to mitigate my sentence.

First, the corrupt legacy media has promoted a disgusting double standard about layoffs that enrages many of us normal folks.  When Biden killed the Keystone pipeline and the border wall on his first day in office, over 50,000 blue-collar American workers lost their jobs, and the MSM wrote zero stories sympathizing with their plight.

When some workers vented about their lost jobs, the Dem talking heads and elitist j-school snobs told them to “learn to code.”

But now those same dishonest hacks are running one story after another about every fired government employee trudging into the parking lot carrying a cardboard box.  And they’re casting every one of them as assiduous martyrs who were just about to find a cure for cancer, or else arranging for a parachute drop of food that would have saved starving orphan amputees in a Third World country that you couldn’t even find on a map, you ignorant capitalist pig!

Whereas I am at least trying to point out that there’s a difference between government employees doing legitimate work, and covens of polymorphously perverse loons who “work” from home. 

If by “work” you mean “organize leagues to play rectal laser tag.”      

By the way, that reminds me of Three Fundamental Life Rules that rank just below the 10 Commandments in their usefulness:

1. Never play pool for money with a guy who carries his own cue in a custom case. 

2. Never try to scatter a loved one’s ashes into the sea if the wind is blowing toward you.

3. There are no winners in rectal laser tag.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

In all seriousness, I think the Trump team should be sympathetic to most people who lose their jobs because of the necessary cuts that are coming.  They can still expose and troll all of the idiotic DEI boondoggles and corrupt waste, but if they look gleeful about normal workers getting fired, they’ll do unnecessary political damage to the cause.

I’ve seen a few early signs of this in my own life.  About three weeks ago, my wife got an email saying that her job is being looked at as one that might be going away.  She works with a regional team of health professionals focusing on treating and preventing the spread of TB; because her work is funded only partly by our state, and the rest by the CDC, some job losses may be in the offing.

In the big picture, this is almost certainly a good sign for our nation.  Because while we hadn’t wiped out TB the way we had polio or smallpox, by around 50 years ago we’d contained it to a very small number of outbreaks and cases.  The resurgence of TB in recent decades has been coincident with large numbers of illegals crossing our borders.  If Trump is able to deport the lion’s share of illegals, the threat of TB will recede, and the feds will need to spend less on fighting it.  Again: a good thing for the country.

But yes, it would be more convenient for us if my wife’s group continued to work to counter outbreaks until the deportation process succeeds, and her job is made (happily) unnecessary.  She was already planning to retire in two years, by which time we would have paid off one of our rentals and the majority of another.  If her job does end this year, she would lose the income of her two final, highest-earning years, which would be less than great.

But we both know we are very lucky. We have saved enough and are close enough to retirement that the loss of two years’ salary will cause a little pain, but nothing like the upheaval and stress that younger and less financially stable workers will experience.   

Of course, we are happy Trump voters and love what he’s doing, but it’s also easier for us to support Trump and DOGE’s necessary efforts, because we see the big picture, and our sacrifices will be relatively minor ones.   But we shouldn’t overlook the fact that the great, long-term benefits are going to produce some pain and disruption in the short term.  And that it’s natural for even Trump supporters to sour when necessary job cuts hit them.    

Because we in CO Nation are decent people – and also because we want to do well in the midterms and in 2028! – we should be careful not to let our joy over the downfall of DEI, deep-state bad actors, and biological males stomping girls in sports, bleed over into celebrating the collateral damage caused by our long-delayed need to cut our shamefully bloated federal government and national debt.  

We should be as empathetic and kind to our fellow citizens who lose their government jobs as the leftists were callous and condescending to the pipeline and border wall workers who lost theirs. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to work on this Wednesday’s column lambasting Hamas and sticking it to Jake Tapper.

Hamas delenda est!

Why is the Left so Mixed-Up About Sex? (posted 2/28/25)

Even with all of the misbehavior being uncovered in various government agencies, I had not imagined a spot on my “Feds Engaging in Shenanigans” Bingo card for “Bizarre sex chat rooms within the National Security Agency.”

But here we are.

When I first started reading this story, I had to make sure it wasn’t a hoax, or a Babylon Bee parody.  But as I read on, I realized that I might have to give up satire, because even my eccentric mind couldn’t make this up. 

And just like having sex with your cousin on a moving elevator in a skyscraper, this story is wrong on so many levels!

First, these were government workers talking dirty to each other on our dime, and that’s wrong enough to get fired over, just by itself.

Second, these people aren’t attractive Margot Robbie and Brad Pitt types, steaming up a dimly lit employee lounge in some kind of 50 Shades of Grey fantasy situation.

No.  These are – hold on to your gag reflex, all ye who enter here – cubicle-dwelling government employees.  And you know what that means. 

Vaguely spheroid, gelatinous bodies under unflattering, buzzing fluorescent lights, the sickly pallor of their skin like one of those deep-ocean-dwelling, eyeless fish who never see the sun, or else Lizzie “Grandma Squanto” Warren. 

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

And they’re all either way too big or way too small, and the contrast between the morbidly Jabba-esque beside the frail, spindly homunculi makes both extremes look even worse somehow. 

And third, even if you could get past their disturbingly froggish appearance – and you absolutely cannot – there’s the nature of the sex talk.  It’s not even the sexy kind of sex talk.  There are no Viking warrior princesses with form-fitting metal breastplates, or French maids with the seamed stockings, or sorority girls getting ready for a pillow fight, or…

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  The horrible, horrible sex talk.

It was all about nightmare fetishes and polyamory and genital mutilation.  One guy who got de-junkified claimed to enjoy being on the other side of the stick, so to speak.  Another was just thrilled because his newly Gavin Newsom-esque featureless crotch allowed him “to wear leggings or bikinis without having to wear a gaff under it.” 

I’m not looking that up, but I’m assuming that he didn’t mean “gaffe.”  Although…he certainly did. 

Another sang the praises of “getting my b*tth*le zapped by a laser.”  For a moment I wanted to believe that he meant that somebody had finally fired on Adam Schiff with one of those phasers from Star Trek.  But alas, no. 

There was a lot of talk about “polycules.”  None of us knows what that means, but all of us somehow know that we do NOT want to know what that means.

As incomprehensibly gross as this all is, it’s not inconsistent with the odd fixation that so many on the left seem to have with eccentric (to put it mildly!) sex and gender weirdness.  Just within the last week, two Dem Governors have creeped out the nation on this issue.

Maine’s Janet Mills is so dedicated to the proposition that males should be dominating girls in high school sports that she is risking her political future and $250 million in federal funds to pursue that obsession.

“Martin,” you might ask, “has Mills also danced in a drag show wearing an unconvincing Wonder Woman t-shirt?”

What an odd question.  But yes.  Yes she has.  And no, Gal Gadot (giggity) is in no danger of losing her Wonder Woman role in any upcoming movies to the septuagenarian Maine governor.

Meanwhile in Wisconsin, oddball Governor Tony Evers, (D)imwit, hopped onto the “let’s screw up the language” bandwagon by inserting ridiculous gender terms into the state budget proposal, for some reason.

My theory is that he watched the way the Biden administration got mocked for referring to expectant mothers as “pregnant people” and “birthing people,” and he turned to an aide and said, “Hold my cheese curds, and watch this.”

Then, instead of using the word “mother” in the Wisconsin proposed budget, he used… wait for it… “inseminated person.”

Good lord! 

One of the things I love about the English language is its vast vocabulary, which allows for finely detailed shades of meaning to describe anything.  If you want to describe people as “thin,” for example, you can choose from several pages of variants, from the very positive (slender, svelte) to the negative (skinny, bony) to the extremely negative (emaciated, gaunt).

In addition to being the biologically correct term for a woman who has given birth, the word “mother” is entwined in a constellation of comforting, evocative connotations.  Safety, warmth, nurturing.  Unconditional love. 

Dying soldiers on battlefields all over the world often use their last breath to cry out for their mothers.  If you want the most reliable shortcut to a righteous beatdown, insult a man’s mother. 

When normally mild-mannered women throw themselves in front of their babies in moments of great danger, we call that “maternal instinct.”

What does “inseminated person” evoke?   

A sterile biology textbook.  Something a jaded sexual assault investigator scribbles in his notebook at a crime scene.  A phrase in a transcript at a war crimes tribunal. 

Is any sane person ever going attribute an act of sacrificial love to “inseminated person’s instinct?”  

If Tony Evers has managed to get a woman to marry him and father children (unexpectedly!), and his wife dies first, is he going to put her names and dates on her headstone above the phrase, “Beloved Inseminated Person”?

Ugh.  I don’t know what’s wrong with these people, and I’m no (real) doctor, but I think they need some intensive psychotherapy, with at least a dusting of electroshock sessions.  Because they’ve got some cranial crossed wires when it comes to sex that would send Sigmund Freud screaming into the night.       

Am I saying that in a fair world, Tony Evers would be convicted of some kind of felonious governmental malfeasance and end up in a prison, where he would gain some karmic, first-hand understanding of being an “inseminated person?”

To quote a former terrible presidential candidate, I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Hamas delenda est!