Month: April 2025

Third Round of Moron of the Month Candidates (posted 4/28/25)

As the end of the month nears, it’s time for the next elimination round in our April Madness “Moron of the Month” competition, featuring the Northern Division.    

We begin with Michelle Obama, nominated for the newest narcissistic dumpster fire episode of her struggling podcast.  She opens strong, by simultaneously playing the race and victim cards:

“We don’t articulate, as black women, our pain.  Because it’s almost like nobody ever gave us permission to do that.” 

Now I’m not going to pull a Lizzie Warren, and claim that though I appear to be a white guy, I actually identify as a Cherokee warrior, or a black woman.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher) Because that would be stupid. 

And I can’t claim an extensive and far-reaching knowledge of black women in general.  But from what I’ve seen and experienced, I know that if somebody asked me to identify an ethnic and gender cohort who are known for being shrinking-violet, passive types, I would not instinctively say, “Black women!”

In fact, if you asked me to name which gender generally tends toward a stoic, not-wear-their-pain-on-their-sleeves behavior, I’d say males. 

If you pushed me to choose the most stoic ethnic group among women, I’d say Russian women, though I’m not sure why.  I just picture them sitting in a crumbling, freezing apartment, wearing clunky shoes and an itchy, heavy dress the texture of a horse blanket for people, at a wobbly wooden table with legs that are different heights, sipping from a bowl of ice-cold beet soup, and not complaining. 

But even if I could be convinced that women in general, and black women in particular are loathe to complain or share their pain, I would still never believe that Michelle 0-freaking-bama ever displayed that tendency.  Because she has been complaining non-stop since the day she walked onto the national stage.

There’s a reason that her secret service code name was “Scowling Wookie.”  True story.  (By the way, Barack’s code name?  “Pete Buttigieg.”  You know why.)

If you still doubt me – and how dare you? – listen to this excerpt from a few minutes later: “As black women, we are so easily labeled as angry and bitter!” 

She said, angrily.

Holy cats.  If I never hear someone preface a statement with their race and gender again, it will be too soon. But if you insist on doing the tired old, “As a [insert defining modifier here] [insert second modifier here]…” at least bring some variety to the table!  For every 100 “As a Hispanic woman…” toss in an occasional “As a third-degree Mason with an extra finger on my right hand…” or “As a philatelist with eyes that are slightly different colors…” 

Have some consideration for the listener, you boring, identity-politics hack!

Also, gosh Michelle, I wonder how YOU ever got stereotyped as angry and bitter?  I’m sure it was unrelated to you saying that until your annoying husband got elected, you’d never been proud of your country.  And I’m sure it had nothing to do with the bone-jarring hits you used to dish out when you roamed the middle as a blitzing linebacker for TCU. 

I’m almost convinced that she acts like this because she believes that Americans like their first ladies the way they like their coffee: bitter and black.

Let’s skip ahead in the transcript a few minutes, and see what new topic she’s onto now:  “…that the first label they put on us, as black women, is that we ARE angry…” 

Ugh.  Really?  Okay, let me skip forward say, 20 more minutes.  (By the way, I just looked at the red bar on the bottom of the screen, and this episode goes on for an hour and 9 minutes!  Good lord!  To anyone who’s ever complained that my columns are too long, hang your head in shame!) 

Okay, dropping the cursor on the red bar again…now: “…and going to therapy, just to work all that out.  Like, what happened that 8 years that we were in the White House?  What did that do to me, internally, my soul.  We made it through.  We got out alive!  I hope we made the country proud.  My girls, thank God, are whole.  But what happened to ME?”

Man-oh-manischevitz!  “What did it do to me internally?!”  That’s something people who survive a mine collapse ask!  “We made it through? We got out alive?!”  That’s what guys said after the Bataan Death March.

I’ve had enough.  I’ve heard that her podcast is doing very poorly, and I can see why.  But I checked, and this insufferable woman has got 149,000 subscribers.  For a new podcast featuring someone as famous as she is, that’s lousy.

But if I can borrow a phrase from Michelle, how do you think that makes ME feel?  Even though I’m not a celebrity, I’ve been producing top-notch columns for you people for 8 years, and my WordPress site (Martinsimpsonwriting.com) has only 276 subscribers!

And before you remind me that if I’d only give in to the constant stream of requests to post some tasteful nudes of myself, I’d quickly have way more than 149K subscribers, I will tell you all for the LAST time: I want people to subscribe to my site for my mind, not because I’m a tantalizing bit of eye candy!

What I’m trying to say is that, as a white, male, hilarious genius with a firm jawline and a dusting of mild, adult-onset asthma, I think…

Oh, forget it. 

On to the second MOM candidate: Ben and Jerry.

Regular readers will remember that I wrote about the lefty ice cream company in late March, when their TDS-suffering CEO Dave Stever was fired by Unilever, the giant corporation that bought B&Js 25 years ago. 

Now they’re back in the news, because Ben and Jerry (or Mao and Jerry, or Ben and Lenin) are mad, and they want to buy the company back from Unilever.  They’ve been trying to gather investors, but it seems like the old commies are having difficulty finding capitalists to join forces with them. 

Unexpectedly!

The stories I’ve seen about the attempted buy-back point to a very odd arrangement, in which Unilever has owned the company for decades, but still had a relationship with B&J that involved tolerating their customer-alienating politics, and contributing $5 million a year to the Ben and Jerry Foundation, which advocates for causes like defunding the police, keeping men in women’s locker rooms and white people out of “positions of power in society,” cheerleading for abortion, and returning the US to the Indians who had stolen it from other Indians just before whitey got here.   

After years of increasing tension, Unilever has finally lost patience.  They told B&J that the business is not for sale, announced a July name-change to The Magnum Ice Cream Company, and issued an ultimatum that before they would continue to contribute to the B&J Foundation, they’d require an audit of it.

Ben and Jerry seem strangely unenthusiastic about that idea, perhaps because they’ve handled their foundation with all the competence and honesty with which the Clintons handled their foundation, or Jeffrey Epstein handled his Epstein Foundation for the Support of Wayward Under-Age Girls.

The WSJ summary of the story says that, “After tolerating decades of radioactive politics, Unilever appears keen to decontaminate Ben and Jerry’s.” 

That sounds about right.  Let’s give the final word – the final laughably clueless and self-indicting word – to Ben Cohen: “Ben and Jerry’s is a company with a soul.”

Yes it is.  And you literally sold that soul to a ginormous corporation for a king’s ransom 25 years ago, you capitalist pig in a Stalinist sheep’s clothing. 

I hope the new flavors from your brand are “Reagan Rocky Road,” “Elon Musk Mint,” and “Ayn Rand-berry,” and that you choke on them.   

Our last nominee is Mother Jones, for their April 12th story entitled, “Bad News for Man’s Best Friend: Dogs are Environmental Villains.”

I’m as shocked as you are by this.  Because I can’t believe that moldy old Mother Jones is still around, either! 

But it is, and apparently it hasn’t lost a step since its halcyon days of 57 years ago, when it was advocating for Timothy Leary, Ho Chi Minh, and hairy armpits on women.   And now that Nixon is dead, those lefty fossils have turned their ire on the real existential threat: dogs!

I probably don’t even have to tell you what they hate about God’s greatest gift to mankind, because you can already guess.  They claim that “the environmental impact” of dogs is “more insidious than is generally recognized.”

I’ll bet.  Since considering anything about dogs “insidious” is ridiculous.

You should reserve the word “insidious” for only the worst of the worst things in life.  Like communism, pedophilia, or the increasing popularity of soccer.

Not dogs, you idiots! 

They say that dogs “pollute waterways.”  But do you know what else pollutes waterways?  Skinny dipping with your super-gross white-guy dreads, Mother Jones writers!

They say that dogs disturb and kill shore birds.  But consider this, shore birds: Dogs don’t have wings, and you do!  So either flap your freaking wings and fly, or else be a lazy but tasty snack, Jonathan Livingston Seagull!

They don’t like the carbon dioxide that dogs produce…but I can’t help but notice how all the lefties at Mother Jones continue to obnoxiously inhale and exhale, while ignoring the agonal breathing of Mother Earth.   

They object to the environmental damage caused by dog feces, and yet they don’t have anything to say about either the human feces that covers their Mecca, San Francisco, or the fact that their president pooped on the Pope.  Which is probably why he died recently. 

I mean the Pope, not Biden. 

Or do I?

The article does mention a few benefits of dogs, including their contribution to the physical and mental health of their owners, and also their “vital roles in conservation work, such as in wildlife detection.”  Leave it to Mother Jones to make even a compliment to dogs sound pointless. 

“Wildlife detection?”  What does that even mean?  And I thought you just said that dogs are often detecting the hell out of shorebirds, and that that was a very bad thing?

I don’t need to defend dogs, but I will touch on a few benefits anyway.  They’re beautiful, loyal, and in the case of Aussie Shepherds, majestic and brilliant.  They can chase down and maul criminals and terrorists.  They can detect drugs, but then refrain from snorting all of those drugs and getting addicted and end up picking up bags of cash from corrupt foreigners to give to their awful politician fathers, like some laptop-losing degenerates I could mention.

They’re also great for the health of your children.  Because by carrying gross stuff into your house and then romping with your kids, they strengthen the kids’ immune systems, and prevent them from turning into frail bubble-boys raised on participation trophies and trigger warnings, and then either dying young because they touched a peanut, or – worse – turning into an obnoxious soy-boy DNC Vice Chair. 

Dogs are better than many people, and all of the staff at Mother Jones, and if there’s not a feasible way to release some of the first newly non-extinct dire wolves into their offices, I have a Plan B.

We tell them that we have a new breed of dog that is carbon-neutral, non-feces-producing, non-polluting, and gluten-free.  And then we introduce them to…wait for it…

Robot Flamethrowing Dogs! 

Please register your choice of the Northern Division options in the comments.

Hamas delenda est!

Return of the Dire Wolf, and of Students Paying their Own School Loans (posted 4/25/25)

First up, you probably saw the story a week ago that scientists in Texas have brought the dire wolf back from extinction.  And I’m all for it.

Not because I understand it, exactly.  The reports say that the Texans “used cloning and gene-editing” from a 13,000-year-old tooth and a 72,000-year-old skull, and then took blood cells from a living grey wolf (which is supposed to be the closest living relative to a dire wolf) and genetically mixed that with the old DNA.  Then they transferred that to an egg cell from a domestic dog, and then the embryos were transferred to surrogates for gestation and birth. 

Okay, now that I wrote that all out, it sounds very weird.  It also sounds like the result would actually be a dog/grey wolf/dire wolf mixture, rather than an actual pure, de-extinctified dire wolf.  (And yes, that should be a word.)

I’ll grant you that there are a few reasons to worry about the results.  For one thing, I’m pretty sure that Nancy Pelosi was created out of DNA from the teeth and skulls of various ancient Egyptians, mixed with the DNA of Lenin, and of a particularly dishonest used-car salesman.  And look what a disaster she turned out to be!

Plus there are the obvious, ominous Jurassic Park analogies.  Though I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’d much rather have a small pack of those hissing dinosaurs that killed Newman (from Seinfeld) running around, than just the one Nancy Pelosi.

On the other hand, bringing back an extinct wolf from 10,000 years ago is an impressive feat, and we optimists can find bright sides in it, too.  I mean sure, we could end up with the wolf equivalent of terrifying hissing dinosaurs, or a horrifically mummified nightmare of a Speaker of the House.  

But we could also end up with super-wolves that could help clean up the swamp.

Am I saying that we should release a pack of hungry dire wolves into congressional office buildings, then bar the doors from the outside and turn up Tom Petty’s album Hard Promises in our ear buds so we wouldn’t have to listen to the screaming?

I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Also, “dire wolf” has got to be one of the best names for any natural creature, right up there with the Black Widow spider and the Venus Flytrap.   

I mean, “wolf” is already cool.  But “dire?” Are you kidding me?  That’s like the animal equivalent of naming your Russian leader “Ivan the Terrible,” or the pirates naming their chief  “The Dread Pirate Roberts.”

I looked up the derivation of the name “dire wolf” – because: me – and found that the Latin name is canis dirus, which means “fearsome dog.”    Which is AWESOME! 

And also a coincidence.  Because regular readers will know that my Aussie shepherd Cassie’s most common honorific is “the Wonder Dog.”  But a lesser known title of hers – most often used when an Amazon driver comes to the front door with one of my wife’s thrice-hourly deliveries – is “the Fearsome Dog.”  (“Cassius dirus.”)

True story. 

Anyway, even though I’m glad that the dire wolf is back, I hope that you all know that this fine animal’s re-emergence will not distract me from my focus on the most pressing of all canine or canine-adjacent developments. 

I’m speaking, of course, of our society’s urgent need for the fast-tracking of production of the first line of defense against future antifa, BLM, or pro-Hamas rioting mobs: the Robot Flamethrower Dog!

Trump’s re-election and Hulk Homan’s™ presence on the national scene have bought us some time.  But we need large numbers of RFDs, and we need them soon!

If I were in charge, I’d put Elon on that immediately.  He could start alpha testing with two RFDs roaming around every Tesla dealership.  I’d suggest using the video footage from the Tesla cameras to create a series of pay-per-view events. 

And before anyone else horns in on this fantastic idea, I hereby copyright the series name: “Apex Predators vs. Beta Males: The Culling of the Woke™”

In other feel-good news, Linda McMahon brought down a folding chair of reality on the heads of delinquent college-loan borrowers on Monday, announcing that as of May 5th, the feds will officially resume collecting on its defaulted federal student loan portfolio. 

Student loan payments were paused as part of the CARES ACT – passed by congress and signed by Trump in March of 2020, at the beginning of covid.  Although congress mandated that borrower repayment re-start in October of 2023, the Biden cabal ignored that law just as they did so many others.  

But now, after 5 years of taxpayers who did not take out any school loans being forced to pay interest for people who did take out those loans, the gravy train is ending.  By summer, the FSA will send out notices before beginning administrative wage garnishment.   

Now we all know that many students – especially those who got various grievance studies degrees (“Anti-Americanism, with a minor in Jew Hatred,” “Gay Stuff,” “BS in Women Good-Men Bad,” etc.) – don’t have any wages to garnish.  But as the wailing begins, at least that will be a sobering lesson that may dissuade those who were planning to embark on one of those degree paths.

I’m reminded of an old quote from Edmund Burke, which goes, “Example is the school of mankind, and they will learn at no other.”  Except that I heard it from an old Bible prof at school as, “Pain is the school of mankind…” 

Which rings more true to me.  Because these newly resumed payments will definitely bring pain – hopefully a very instructive and ultimately helpful pain – to the lives of many struggling graduates.

I do feel bad for everyone who was lied to by Biden and the Dems in their vote-buying scheme of offering “loan forgiveness.”  They’ve had their hopes cruelly raised, and they’ve gotten used to budgeting for the last 5 years without accounting for the payments that they will now have to start making. 

Which brings me to closing thoughts on three rotten behaviors that the Left has been getting away with for the last 5 years, and longer.

First, they’ve been wailing about the unfairly high cost of college for years, while at the same causing most of those increased costs.  Because even someone with a Jasmine Crockett-level IQ could tell you that when you hand out school loans like free cocaine at one of Hunter’s hookers-and-blow parties, you’re incentivizing universities to jack up costs.

Second, the Dems have been talking out of both sides of their mouths about college for years: screaming about how unfair and impossible it is to expect current graduates to pay back their loans, while at the same time handing out more and more loan money to those who – by their own admission! – will struggle to ever pay them back. 

Third, the elite left has been yelling themselves hoarse because Trump has been appealing the rulings of far-left lower-court judges who are doing their best to prevent him from carrying out the job of the president, howling that taking those cases to SCOTUS is an existential threat to democracy!

Meanwhile, Brandon unilaterally declared that tenants no longer had to pay rent to landlords during covid, while admitting that his royal proclamation was probably not constitutional.  He did the same thing when he declared that student loans were “forgiven,” with no act of congress or legal justification. 

And when SCOTUS slapped him down, he tried to do the same thing with slightly different verbiage, bragging at rallies that the high court “may have blocked me, but they didn’t stop me.”

So the next time a social justice warrior rants at you about how Trump is worse than Hitler because he’s defying the courts, read the last two paragraphs to them, in a clear and slow voice, so they can follow along.

Then unleash your Robot Flamethrower Dog on them.

And don’t call him off until their nose rings have melted and the blue dye has been burned out of their hair. 

Hamas delenda est!

Two Cheers for Rosie O’Donnell, & Handcuffs for Letitia James? (posted 4/23/25)

I have no central theme today, just a couple of noteworthy stories I’ve seen recently.

I’ll start with an unusual one for me, because it made me heartily say, “Two cheers for Rosie O’Donnell!” 

I can’t give her three cheers.  Because, as I mentioned just now, she’s Rosie O’Donnell. 

But we live in a world seemingly full of blowhard lefty narcissists who always insist that if the next Republican presidential candidate wins, they’ll leave the country.  And then they never do! 

But to her credit, Rosie put her money where her extremely large mouth is, and she actually followed through.  When Trump won, she moved to Ireland and applied for Irish citizenship.  And seriously: good for her. 

Obviously I think she’s off her rocker, politically speaking.  But if she’s convinced – against all evidence after his first term – that Trump is worse than Hitler, and will bring a nightmarish reign of oppression down on America, she demonstrated the courage of her convictions by leaving.  And as odd as this sounds, I think she’ll probably be happier for it.

Because there are millions of her political co-religionists in this country who believe that crap, and I don’t think it’s working very well for them.  You’ve seen them.  And you’ve heard them screaming, at their protests, and in courtrooms, and at various crime scenes.  “Abortions for all!  Death to Jews!  Bring back foreign criminals!  Death to America!  Heterosexual sex is gross!  Pay me not to work!  Screw you, dad!”

Do they seem happy to you? 

I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite books, John Milton’s Paradise Lost.  It appears early on, in a scene that is best-known for Satan’s monologue after he’s been cast out of heaven.  (His hubris is summed up: “Better to reign in hell, than serve in heaven.”)

Shortly before that famous line, Milton captures an essential truth of human psychology in just two lines: “The mind is its own place, and in itself/ Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.”  

I first read that as an undergrad, and though it stuck with me, it didn’t make a huge impact.  Mostly because I was pre-occupied at the time with weightier philosophical questions.  Questions like, “What’s the chances she’ll go out with me if I ask?” and, “Or her?” and, “Or maybe her?” 

Also, “Why can’t the Bears draft a decent quarterback to save their lives?”

But the older I get, the smarter John Milton gets.  (He’s like my dad in that way, God rest his soul.) And I’ve been around long enough to watch strong-willed people find the silver lining on every dark cloud, and make some hellish circumstances into a little slice of heaven. 

And I’ve seen people like Rosie – and Joy Reid, and Keith Olberman, and Noam Chomsky, and a cast of thousands like them – do just the opposite.  They’re living in the best country in the world, blessed with wealth and opportunities, and surrounded by signs and wonders.  But they find fault wherever they look, and wallow in their own self-created misery.

They look at a shining city on a hill, and see only a Mordor-ian wasteland of sexism, racism and a plethora of politically incorrect phobias.

They look at a flawed, bloviating president who loves the country and is doing some good things, and they see Orange Hitler.  They look at a rich genius who is sacrificing a lot to try to root out waste and fraud, and enable the government to more efficiently serve its citizens, and they see an evil oligarch.    

They look at Maxine Waters and Elizabeth Warren and they see a racist, hideous crone and a phony white lady pretending to be Sacheen Littlefeather—

Okay, I’ve got to give them those two.  Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, as they say. 

Also: #wemustneverstopmockingher

Where was I? 

Oh yeah, Rosie.  She made a hell out of America for herself, but Ireland seems like a cool place to me, so here’s hoping she can make a heaven for herself there.

Apparently two of her grandparents were Irish, but even so, she is reportedly worried because her application for Irish citizenship has not yet been approved.  And I think I speak for all of us when I say…

Oh no you don’t, Ireland!  No do-overs or give-backs!  You gave us Guinness, Liam Neeson, Yeats, and C.S. Lewis, and we gave you Rosie O’Donnell. 

Sure, you made a terrible, terrible trade.  But what’s done is done.  She’s your problem now. 

But to soften the blow, I suggest we start a go-fund-me to get Ireland to keep Rosie, along with any other nation who’s willing to take any other leftist celebrity irritants we can persuade to honor their vows that they would leave America if Trump won. 

If we can pay a great Salvadoran (you say, “Nayib,” I say, “BUKELE!) to take the worst of our criminal illegals, we should be willing to open our wallets to get other countries to take the wretched refuse of our teeming lefties.

Speaking of wretched, I’ve got to end with a great story from Schadenfreude Corner: the tale of Letitia James’ impending criminal charges!

No charge against Trump was more bogus than James’ lies about him wildly over-valuing Mar-a-Lago in order to get a more favorable loan rate from banks.  She claimed at one point that Mar-a-Lago was worth $18 million, by relying on the low-end of a tax assessment (which are always lower than true market value), even though that assessment was 10 years old, and every real estate expert around said it was laughably low.

Later, she stated that the property should be valued at closer to $75 million, but then in an X post she listed the value as $25 million.  Trump was similarly inconsistent, valuing it in financial statements at between $426-612 million, but also bragging that the real value should be over a billion.    

All of which is moot, because the giant international banks from whom Trump sought the loan always do their own appraisals, rather than relying on biased owners.  Valuation of unique, high-end properties are especially difficult to nail down, but you don’t get to be Deutsche Bank by relying on sellers’ fraudulently high valuations.

All of which is even moot-er, because Trump paid back the loans with interest, and the banks said that they’d be happy to do business with him again.  Many NY lawyers and real estate investors agreed that this kind of a victimless case of a loan taken out and then repaid in full had ever been pursued before.

And now it turns out that lyin’ Letitia is a real estate investor herself, and that she was actually committing the kind of fraud that she accused Trump of committing.  For example, she bought several properties with her dad as co-signer, but falsely listed them as “husband and wife.” 

(Rumors that she learned that trick from an Ilhan Omar “Buy Real Estate With Your Brother/Husband” seminar have not been confirmed.) 

She claimed a property in Virginia as her principal residence, allowing her to get a lower mortgage rate.  Which was problematic, since she could not legally be the Attorney General in New York if her primary residence wasn’t in the state.  Also, the neighbors of the Virginia house reported that they’d never seen James there. 

She also bought a 5-unit building that she fraudulently claimed had only four units, allowing her to… wait for it…get a lower mortgage rate.   

So James was allegedly perjuring her hypocritical arse off, as she was using taxpayer dollars and her powerful position to wrongly go after Trump.

The cherry on top of this delicious schadenfreude sundae is that James’ half-billion-dollar, illegitimate verdict against Trump will eventually be over-turned, and she will almost certainly be convicted of a raft of felony charges.

My hope – sure, you can even call it a prayer – is that those two verdicts will come down around the same time. 

Because if I know Trump, he’ll find a way to be outside the courthouse where James will be led out in handcuffs, holding a gigantic, novelty check for the hundreds of millions of dollars he’d had to put in escrow, being refunded to him after he was vindicated in court.

Hamas delenda est!

“Self-Detonating Heroes” are Plaguing the Dems (posted 4/21/25)

I hope everybody had a great Easter, or Passover, or regular spring weekend.

My theme today is the addition of a new category of stories for this and future columns: The “Democrats’ Backing the Wrong Horse” stories.  In some of these, the elite left chooses as “villains” those who are later vindicated or otherwise come out on top.  Examples would include Kyle Rittenhouse, Daniel Penny and the Covington school kids, as well as Trump himself, who overcame lawfare, the Russian hoax and two assassination attempts to win a second non-consecutive term.

But there’s another sub-category that is on my mind today – probably because I’ve spent much of this last week contemplating an actual Sinless Victim (He is risen! Best. Happy. Ending. Ever!) – and that’s the faux victim.  I’m calling these guys the Democrats’ “Self-Detonating Heroes.”  

These are typically chosen for their credentials as righteous sufferers at the hands of the left’s preferred bad guys (cops, conservatives, white people, Americans, etc.), and their stories usually fit the pattern known in journalism as “too good to check.” 

You’ll recognize the common tropes: honor student gunned down by cops for no reason.  Palestinian social worker blown up by genocidal IDF for no reason.  Peaceful protestor arrested for no reason.  Noble immigrant deported for no reason.

A very small number of these stories are valid, but those are the rare exceptions.  When most people hear the initial report, they’ve learned to start an internal countdown to the moment when the story blows up.

The honor student shot by cops… (3…2…1…)… had gotten out of jail (again!) 14 hours ago, was driving a stolen car, and fired at cops with a stolen gun.

The “Palestinian social worker”… (3…2…1…)…was a Hamas member who had murdered several Jewish hippie girls at a music festival, and was wearing a suicide vest.

The “peaceful protestor” … (3…2…1…) … recorded himself setting fire to a police station.

The “noble immigrant” … (3…2…1…) … had been deported twice before and was carrying a duffel bag full of fentanyl and burner phones.

The beauty of these stories is watching the whole rotten scheme blow up in the Dems’ faces, over and over again, without them learning the lesson.  No matter how unlikely the tale, and how often similar tales have left them with gunpowder-blackened faces and burnt-off eyebrows before, they take the bait again.

“Hey, a disgruntled black activist at a super-liberal university says someone spray painted the N word on her dorm room door?  Stop the presses!   Or refresh the website, or whatever.”

Annndddd… she sprayed the slur on her own door.

“Wow, some rednecks hung a noose on a black NASCAR driver’s garage?  Swarm!”

Annnddd… it’s a looped rope used to pull down a garage door.

“Listen to this: some evil nerd hacked into Joy Reid’s computer and posted a bunch of homophobic slurs to frame her!  Alert the FBI!”

Annnddd… Joy Reid posted a bunch of homophobic slurs, because she’s an evil, lying moron.

Perhaps the archetypal example of a leftist Self-Detonating Hero story is happening right now, and stars “Maryland father” Kilmar Abrego Garcia.

As usual, the Dems should have had their heads on a swivel with this guy.  But once again the bait was too tempting, and when the Trump administration admitted that he’d been “wrongly deported” to the Salvadoran Super Max prison, the left was all over the story like white on Liz Warren. 

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

The first red flag should have been Kilmar’s name.  There’s an old Latin phrase – “nomen est omen” – which roughly means that a name can be a sign.  (Famous examples abound, e.g.  once you’ve heard “Anthony Weiner” and “Charles Blow” you know everything you need to know about those dudes.)

Sound out “Kilmar” and you’ve got “kill” and “mar” (meaning “to spoil, harm or injure something or someone.”)  So, yeah.  His best friends were probably “Stab-lacerate Gonzalez” and “Punch-injure Herrera.”

If I didn’t know any better, I’d suspect that some devious spy in Trump-world must have searched the records of thousands of illegal gangbangers, and then chose Kilmar as their trap for the Dems.  They looked over his bio, and then hustled him onto the plane to El Salvador, then disregarded President Boasberg’s direct order to turn the plane around.  They did all this knowing the left’s penchant for a sympathetic, underdog David figure, especially when he’s facing off against the orange Goliath!  

So the Dems ran to the cameras and bet big on their new Salvadoran thoroughbred.  “Kilmar is a loving husband to an American citizen, and a father to two American kids, and probably a devout Catholic, as far as you know.  And sure, he’s got a couple of tattoos, but one of them is probably Christ on the cross (it’s very blurry in pictures, so we’re not 100% sure about that).  And he had a judge’s order that he NOT be deported!”

“Ooh, look, his broken-hearted wife is stepping up to the microphone.  Listen as she speaks in a wavering voice about the saintly man whom the Trumpian stormtroopers kidnapped off the street and then sent to Auschwitz II, trampling all of the constitutional rights that he definitely has as practically an almost American citizen!  Oh, now she’s crying!  Are you proud of yourselves, conservative bullies who ripped this loving family man away from his family?  He has kids.  American citizen kids!  Won’t somebody think of the children?!”

And then the Mar-a-Lago Mata Hari (old timey spy reference for $100, Alex) began to release successive tranches of details about Kilmar… 

And now, I will put on my conical, purple wizard hat and magically take you into the conference room where the Democrat brain trust was gathered to discuss strategy in the middle of last week.  I’ll keep their identities secret, and refer to them only as Democrat Operatives (DO) 1-6.

DO 1: This is going great!  The walls are closing in on Trump now!  American voters are suckers for a clean-cut immigrant like Kilmar.  By the way, get somebody at MSNBC to double-check his name.  All of those Hispanics have a crazy long chain of names, and a lot of them have a “Jesus” somewhere in there. 

DO 2: Ooh, that would be great!  We could put the word out that all of our reporters should start calling him “Jesus” between now and Easter.  The Catholics would eat that stuff up!

DO 1: Good idea.  And somebody line up some soft-focus photo shoots and interviews with his American wife and kids.    

DO 3: I don’t know, Hakeem.  I’ve heard a story that he had some suspected gang affiliations in the past.  Maybe we shouldn’t over-play our hand on this.

DO 1: Come on.  “Suspected” means nothing. Just more anti-Hispanic racism from the right-wing fascists.  I mean, he hasn’t had any due process at all!  I’m sure that if they had any evidence, they would have put it before a court and-  (He sees DO 4 with his hand up.)  What?

DO 4: Actually, he had an immigration court hearing, and the judge found evidence that he was associated with MS-13.

DO 1: SCHIFF! 

DO 5: What?

DO 1: I’m not talking to you.  It’s just an expression.  Look, it was probably a crooked Trump judge, lying about Kilmar’s gang ties.  We need to insist that the case be appealed to another judge, so—

DO 6:  Actually, it was appealed to a different court.

DO 1 (pause): And?

DO 6: The appeals court agreed.

DO 1: SCHIFF!

DO 5:  Are you using my name as a swear word?

DO 2:  Get over it, Pencil-Neck.  The adults are talking.

DO 5: Adults?  Shouldn’t you be at the kid’s table, Hogg!

DO 1: Shut up.  Let’s not get hung up on those alleged gang ties.  The main thing is that another judge wrote an order saying that he can’t be deported.  So Trump broke the law.

DO 3: Actually, that order in 2019 said that he CAN be deported, but just not to El Salvador.

DO 1 (rubbing his temples): Fine.  But he was deported to El Salvador.  We’ll emphasize that. 

DO 6:  Yes!  He got that deportation hold in 2019.  I’m sure he’s kept his nose clean for the last 6 years, because the Feds would have deported him to somewhere else if he’d gotten in trouble.

DO 3:  Actually, he was stopped in 2022 for speeding and driving without a license.

DO 1: SCHIFF!  Did they take him to jail and tow the car?

DO 3: No. The cop gave him a warning for the expired DL.

DO 2:  Wow.  He must have been one of ours.

DO 1: Anyway, the main point is that he obviously didn’t have anything suspicious in the car with him.  Why don’t we just say he was profiled for “Driving While Brown?”  (He notices DO 3 making a face.)  What now?

DO 3:  He had 8 other guys in the car with him, and they’d been driving for three days, from Texas to Maryland.  And…they didn’t have any luggage.

DO 5: SCHIFF!  (Everyone looks at him.) Now you’ve got me doing it!

DO 1: Okay, let’s not panic.  Lots of poor people don’t have luggage.  They were probably going up north to rejoin their families, or maybe meet some church sponsors who vouched for them. 

DO 3 (looking down):  They all gave Kilmar’s address as their own.  And DOJ just announced that he was picked up for questioning at Home Depot with other MS-13 members.  And Trump just showed a picture of his hands, and he’s got…

DO 1: Don’t say tattoos!

DO 3 (hesitates):  Tattoos.   

DO 2 and 4: SCHIFF!

DO 1: Tell me that they’re at least of his kid’s birthdays, or his wife or his mom’s names.

DO 3: They’re MS-13 tattoos.

DO 1,2,4 and 6: SCHIFF!

DO 2: Okay, forget all that.  We’ve still got his wife.  She’s crying her eyes out on tv.  And since she says that he’s a good man and husband, and since we must believe all women, he has to be a good man and husband. That’s the transitive property, I think.

DO 5: No, the transitive property is when a dude decides that he wants to be a woman, so he spins around and clicks the heels of his ruby slippers together, and says, I’m really a woman, I’m really a woman.

DO 2:  No, that’s the trans property.  I’m talking about the math thing, the transitive property.  It’s from algebra, I think, and –

DO 5: Who are you trying to kid, Davy?  You look like you’re still taking algebra!

DO 2: Pencil neck!

DO 5: Toddler!

DO 1: Everybody shut up!  (He notices an aid come in and hand a piece of paper to DO 3, then step back out.)  We’ve got the loyal, crying wife, and she’s vouching for him.  Our women voters will eat that up, and… (Noticing DO 3 looking extra pale.)  What is it, Liz?

DO 3: DOJ just released a domestic abuse claim the wife filed against Kilmar in 2021.

DO 1, 2, 4, 5 and 6: SCHIFF!

DO 1:  Okay, anybody can have a bad day.  They had an argument, things got a little heated.  We’ve all been there.  But they talked it through and worked it out, and it never happened agai—

DO 3: She filed again six months later.

DOs (all): SCHIFF! 

DO 1 puts his head on the table in front of him.

DO 1 (after a long pause): So we’ve got a bad-driving, human-smuggling, wife-beating, gang-banging illegal alien.  Is that about it?  (Nobody will meet his eyes.)  Okay, so we’ve got to say that it’s not about Kilmar, it’s about due process, or something.

DO 2:  So we shouldn’t call him “Jesus” now?

DO 1: Shut up, Hogg.  Nancy, get Van Hollen on the line.  We’ve gotta stop him from flying down there and making us all look like idiots. 

DO 3: He’s already there.

DO 1 (too defeated to even swear):  Can we at least stop him from meeting with Kilmar?  He’ll be giving Trump a photo-op to hang around our necks for the mid-terms.

DO 3: He’s already met with Kilmar.

DO 1 (mumbling): Of course he has.

DO 2:  Wait, this might still work.  Kilmar is going to look haggard and starved from being in that concentration camp prison.  Maybe he’ll even have some bruises or broken bones! 

DO 1 (perking up):  Yeah!  We can have Spielberg make an ad for us, interspersing shots of Kilmar with shots from Schindler’s List.

DO 2 (excited):  And we can CGI Trump’s head onto that Nazi commander, shooting at Jews down in the camp below him!  We can call the ad, “CECOT’s List.”

DO 1 (seeing DO 3 looking at her phone, and shaking her head): What is it?

DO 3 (holding her phone out so everyone else can see it): Trump just released this video of Van Hollen and Kilmar.  It looks like they’re meeting on a gay speed-date at a high-end hotel. 

DO 1 (moaning): Kilmar looks great!  He looks like he’s gained 5 pounds.

Everybody in the room: SCHIFF!!!

And, scene.

Tune in next week, when Hulk Homan™ releases documents proving that Kilmar helped plan 9/11, before driving across country to shoot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Hamas delenda est!

Davy Hogg, Tim Walz, & Charlie’s Angels Go to Space (posted 4/18/25)

Once again there is way too much to write about, so I’ll get right to it.

On November 5th – and in pretty much every poll since – the nation told the Democrats that they have too many far-left positions and extremists, and they’re going to keep losing unless and until they start to moderate. 

So what does obnoxious boy-king DNC vice-chair Lil’ Davy Hogg do?  He unveils a plan to spend $20 million to attack… wait for it… moderate Democrats in the primaries!  Brilliant!

He tried to couch the move partly in terms of age, saying that the Dems need new faces.  While that is true – desiccated goblins like Melting-Face Maxine Waters, Joe Biden, Chuck Schumer and Steny Hoyer have been scaring schoolchildren and farm animals for many years now – it’s not likely to sit well coming from a dim-witted zygote like Davy.

Especially when he argues that Imhotep Pelosi (“Aieee! The mummy walks among us!”) needs to stay, and he’s supporting her decision to run again next November, when she’ll be a spry 86 and a half!  He says the Dems need the Embalmed One because she’s “a fighter,” and he’s not wrong: she started her career fighting off the plagues of locusts and boils in the Valley of the Kings.   (“I’ll get you, Moses, and your little Hebrews, too!”)

When Chris Cuomo – interviewing octogenarian James Carville from the same basement Cuomo pretended to quarantine himself in during covid – asked the corn-pone Cajun his opinion of the Hoggster, he was not complimentary.

“I think he’ssssss a contemptible little twerp if you assssssssk me.”  (Okay, I added the snake-y hisses.  But I did not make up that quote.)

Keep it up, Dems!  You’ve got Trump right where you want him!

Not to be out-done in futile stupidity, Tampon Tim Walz has been giving speeches all over the place, reminding us of one more huge reason to have voted against the Dem ticket last year.  And it’s paying off!

Allow me to quote a legacy media report on Walz’s popularity that should be given its own prominent place in the Understatement Gallery of the Fake News Hall of Fame:

“A recent poll has revealed significant challenges for Minnesota Governor Tim Walz, with only 3% of Democrats identifying him as a party leader. The low support likely jeopardizes his ambitions for a presidential run in 2028. The survey by The Economist/YouGov has affirmed that Walz’s efforts to enhance his national standing through social media and progressive messaging have not resonated with voters.”

Let’s savor some of that phrasing, shall we?  Getting 3% (!) in a poll – when “getting shingles in both eyes,” “getting poison ivy on your genitals,” and “a romantic weekend with Hillary Clinton” all come in at 4% — is “a significant challenge,” which “likely jeopardizes” his presidential ambitions? 

“LIKELY?”  Is this a close call?

Plus, those lower-than-Carville’s-belly ratings means that Walz’s flailing speeches “have not resonated with voters?”  If by “have not resonated” you mean “have induced vomiting and explosive incontinence,” then yes. 

Speaking of vomit inducing, I can’t NOT comment on the six liberated gals who took a joyride in space last week. 

Sorry, I meant, “The six brave, historically ground-breaking female astronauts who slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God.”

Or did I?

The story was the perfect distillation of the ridiculous hollowness of identity and gender politics.  It had absurd prickliness about language (“We’re not ‘passengers’ on a ‘ride,’ we’re ‘astronauts’ on a ‘mission’.”)

It had laughably narcissistic exaggeration: several gals talked about their “training,” but when asked follow-ups, it turned out that their exhaustive “training” had taken parts of two days, and included such complex tasks as learning “ingress and egress” tactics, and the unusual safety rigging that secured them into their seats.

(That’s right.  These fearless gyno-nauts learned how to open and close a door, and buckle their seatbelts.  In only two days!)   

It even had unintentionally retrograde sexism.  All of the women had fully done hair and makeup, and wore form-fitting uniforms; their publicity pics looked like glamour shots of the combined casts of the original Charlie’s Angels and the re-make of Charlie’s Angels.

Most of them had “qualifications” for their trip to space that were, shall we say, not exactly grounded in the bedrock of merit.  One of them owed her spot on the crew to auto-tune.  One to being Oprah’s friend.  And another to sleeping with a rich guy.  (Remember when Buzz Aldrin got his job because he was “the cute one” in a boy band, or when Neil Armstrong parlayed being Jackie O’s side piece into “taking one small step for a man?”  Me neither.)   

The story also had the kind of hyperbolic gender cheerleading that mortifies most adult women.  Everyone involved trumpeted the idea that they were the first-ever all-female astronaut crew.  But even leaving aside the fact that they were neither astronauts nor crew, some stickler for accuracy pointed out that they were on the first-ever all-female space flight…

…unless you count Valentina Tereshkova, who was the first woman to go into space, on a solo mission.  And while the Sanctimonious Six made their 11-minute trip in April of 2025, VT just barely edged them out by making her flight in… wait for it… 1963!   So she won that “space race” photo-finish…by only 62 years!  (Coincidentally, that’s the average margin of victory of “trans woman” Will Thomas in swimming races against actual women.  Good job, NCAA!)  

And Tereshkova was an actual cosmonaut, who spent more days in space (3) than Bezos’ girlfriend and pals did in training, and she orbited the earth 48 times in a primitive spacecraft built by vodka-swilling Russians!  That took real courage.

When I first saw coverage of this debacle, I thought that Gayle King had to be the most insufferable of the space chicks.  She whined that when Alan Shepherd went into space, nobody called HIM a rider or a passenger.  Because: sexism! 

No.  That’s because he was a freaking astronaut, you moron!  He operated the experimental space craft himself.  He didn’t spend more time with a tailor working on his suit than he did in training, and he never worried about how baggy his flight suit was, or whether it made his butt look too big.  

But Katy Perry gave Gayle run for her money when it came to inane commentary.  She got off to a good start in the days leading up to the flight, when she said that the hen party half-dozen were “going to put the ass in astronaut.”  If Donald Trump had said that, he’d have been impeached a third time.

After the ride, Katy waxed poetic about how she “felt super connected to love…. I [had] to surrender and trust that the universe is going to take care of me and protect me…”  C’mon, Katy Kat.  It was 11 minutes.  Even if the universe was trying to kill you, you might be able to last 11 minutes.  You could probably hold your breath for 3!   

She also talked about how she felt “connected to that strong divine feminine.”  If anybody around me was ever to start talking about “the divine feminine,” and then it turns out that they’re not talking about my smoke-show of a wife, they’ve lost me.

When they finally returned from their epic journey – and here was one good thing about them being all females, because if they were dudes, they would have had long, straggly space-beards – both Perry and Gayle King actually kissed the ground.  As if they hadn’t seen it for… 11 whole minutes?

The whole thing was colossally embarrassing.  In fact, the earth itself was a little sheepish when Katy and Gail kissed the ground, mumbling, “I really don’t feel that way about them.  I’d rather we just stay friends.”

Katy Perry was right about one thing, though: they really did put the “ass” in “astronaut.” 

Just not in the way she meant.

Hamas delenda est!

Transgender Fencers & Non-Violent Child Sacrifice (posted 4/16/25)

I’ll open today with the results from Monday’s “Moron of the Month” competition. 

This one elicited a lot of great responses, including references to Joe Dirt and the Heatmeister, and many funny references to the shortcomings of all three contestants.  And unlike last week’s nominations from the Eastern Division, when Lashes Crockett left the other nominees in the dust, this one was close. 

Not counting the readers who said they couldn’t choose, or that it was a three-way tie, Elie “Fat Albert” Mystal took the dunce cap, with 18 votes, to corrupt Tania’s 13 and Griesa’s “Come and get me, I’m an enormous, unashamed, queer illegal!” 7-vote-winning strategy. 

So Mystal advances from the Western division.  I’ll hold off until toward the end of the month to choose the three nominees from both the Southern and Northern divisions, and then we’ll have a “Moron-off” among the Final Four.

Meanwhile, other boneheads have stepped forward to give me fodder for one of my traditional categories: “We Don’t Hate the Media Enough.”   

The first example one comes from the story you probably heard about last week, in which a female fencer refused to compete against a male, and was disqualified for it. 

The male, Redmond Sullivan –a violator of Simpson’s Rule of Life #146: Never trust someone with two last names – fenced last year as a male, and came in 29th in his last competition.  (I’m assuming that that was out of no more than 30 competitors, tops.)  But when he switched to “female,” he won.

 UNEXPECTEDLY!

Many media outlets called him a “transgender woman,” as well as “her” and “she.”  Because of course they did.  But the outlet that took the prize – I think it’s called “Sports Grail,” but that might just be the site that repeated this – used this headline: “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with someone she believed is transgender.” 

Ugh.  She doesn’t “believe” the dude to be “transgender.” She believes him to be a male.  Because…wait for it… He’s. A. Male!  You idiots! 

(I would also have accepted the headline, “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with a male who wrongly claims to be transgender.”)

The next example comes to us from CBS.  (UNEXPECTEDLY!)  And it follows a pattern I saw many times in my teaching years. 

Before they took my class, many of my students had been propagandized to believe that all indigenous peoples were noble proto-environmentalists, living in Edenic conditions of peace and love until the wicked Europeans invaded and colonized their lands, teaching them the evil ways of capitalism and the Judeo-Christian world view.  So it was my job to teach them true things that they’d never heard of before.

Things like, “If we were to give the Black Hills back to the Indians who lived there before whitey showed up, should we give it to the Sioux, or to the tribe that the Sioux slaughtered and stole it from, or to the tribe from whom that tribe had stolen it, etc.?  

And, “If the descendants of white southern Democrats who owned slaves should pay reparations, should the black Africans who captured those slaves in the interior of Africa and then took them to the coast and sold them to Arabs or Europeans also be forced to pay reparations?  And speaking of the Arabs, how much should they pony up, since they took many more slaves than the Europeans did?”  

Then I’d casually mention that Slavic people and the Welsh – who are both almost as white as Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – were actually some of the most enslaved people in olden times.  The word “slave” comes from the word “slav,” and “Wales” and “Welsh” come from a Germanic root meaning “slave.”  Anglo-Saxons in western England owned more slaves than those in eastern England, because the west was closer to Wales, where the welsh/slaves were conveniently nearby.

By that point, the more leftish among my students had either curled into a fetal ball and were crying, or else had turned into a toxic combination of Greta Thunberg and Cotton Mather, and stood pointing at me, and with blazing eyes, yelled, “How dare you?  The white man lies!”

But enough about me, and my pedagogical fantastic-ness.  

I was reminded of those classes when I saw CBS’ report on a recent discovery of an altar in Guatemala that dates back to Mayan times.  The archaeologist who made the discovery reported that the bodies of three young children were found there, and concluded that the site had been used for child sacrifices.

Now CBS could have stopped right there.  But then the network would be just “C.”  But you can’t have CBS without the “BS.” 

So they found an “expert” to parachute in and correct any impression that perhaps the altar builders might have had just a dusting of “bloodthirsty child murdering” along with all of their lovely, indigenous ways.  

Enter Maria Belen Mendez – she has three accents over the vowels in her name, so you know that she’s super credible – who is identified as “an archaeologist who was not involved with the project” says that the nasty stuff at the altar was actually just a part of the native religion’s reverence for the sun and moon:

“[The child sacrifice] was a practice; it’s not that they were violent, it was their way of connecting with the celestial bodies.”  (You hear similar claims about the Aztec festivals during which the mostly peaceful brown folks ripped the hearts out of their living victims, or beheaded them by the thousands, and then rolled the heads down the steps of their temples….  But only because they wanted to ensure a good harvest, you see.)

Ummm…. I’m no child-sacrifice-ologist, but I’m pretty sure that whatever else you might say about people who murdered toddlers on an altar, you can’t credibly say, “it’s not that they were violent…”

By the way, do you think these cultural apologists would EVER say, “It’s not that the torturers of the Spanish Inquisition were violent.  They just REALLY wanted to find out who the heretics were.”   

They would not. 

And we don’t hate them enough.

Hamas delenda est!

Three More Candidates for Moron of the Month (posted 4/14/25)

By now you’ve all seen that CO has temporarily stepped back from the page for a few days, which I feel like puts a little more pressure on me to make you laugh on a Monday morning.  But much like Walter Clayton Jr. (from the national champion Florida Gators – have I mentioned that?), I’m a clutch player. 

So it’s Martacus’ time to shine! 

In my Friday column I introduced three candidates for “Moron of the Month,” and by popular acclaim, Jasmine “Fake Lashes” Crockett beat out the too aptly named Chase Strangio and drama queen Spartacus Booker to move on to represent the Eastern division in the next round.

Today we’ve got three more worthy competitors, this time from the Western division.  (Just like in the NCAA tournament, geographical names for the divisions are meaningless.)

First up we’ve got Elie Mystal, a public “intellectual” (and yes, those scare quotes are mandatory) with degrees from Harvard (because of course he has) who would be best known for his rabid America- and whitey-hatred, except for the fact that every African-American appearing on MSNBC is an unpatriotic, rabid whitey hater.

So he’s best known for his truly ridiculous, giant gray puff-ball of an Afro.  Which makes him look like he’s closing in on 70, when he’s actually only 46.  I have two theories about that:

1. He got so sick of all of the Fat Albert jokes that he dyed his hair gray to stop them.  (Though I’m not sure that, “Hey, hey, hey… it’s Old dumb Albert!” is a whole lot better.)

2. Just like soldiers who live through horrifying combat sometimes go prematurely gray, I think maybe morons who think too many horrifyingly stupid thoughts go through the same thing.   

Though he’s little known to the general public (because he writes for The Nation, and often appears on MSNBC), Mystal has been making a name for himself in moron circles for quite a while. 

He wrote an execrable book in 2022 called, “Allow me to Retort: A Black Guy’s Guide to the Constitution.”  I planned to write a review of it called, “Allow me to Vomit: A White Guy’s Review of F.A. Mystal’s “A Black Guy’s Guide to the Constitution.”  But I couldn’t make it through the first several pages. 

Earlier this month, he came out with his second book, “Bad Law: Ten Popular Laws That are Ruining America.”  And it has single-handedly made a liar out of me, because I spent many years telling my students that there is no such thing as a stupid question.

Then I read the table of contents of Bad Law.  Consider the following chapter titles, along with the obvious answers to each:

Chapter 2: How Did Immigrants Become “Illegal?”  [By breaking our laws, you moron.]

Chapter 4: Why Do We Incarcerate So Many People? [Because they break our laws, you moron.]

Chapter 7: “Why Do We Give White Guys a License to Kill Black People?” [We don’t, you moron.]     

Chapter 9: “Why Can’t We Say Gay?” [We can, you moron.]

As you can already tell, Mystal has an IQ low enough to scare those nightmarish albino fish in the lightless depths of the Mariana Trench. (Latin name: “pescatorus LizWarrenus”) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)  

But he’s also got the second element of the one-two punch that so many elite leftists have: a narcissism as large as the great outdoors.

In an interview to promote Bad Law, he talked about how he is such a significant critic of the Trump administration that he’s had to hire security during his book tour, because he’s worried that Trump is going to have someone “snatch him up off the street.” 

(Make your own, “Watch out for a forklift with a presidential seal on it, Elie!” joke here.)

My favorite idiotic statement of his came on his appearance on The View.  I know.  And he might have been the dumbest one on the set that day.  Which…yikes!

When explaining why we shouldn’t abide by our immigration laws, he referred to how racist and awful America is (duh!), and said, “Every law passed before the 1965 Voting Rights Act should be presumptively unconstitutional.”

Let that sink in for a minute.  The only way to declare any law unconstitutional is to examine it in the light of our founding legal document: the constitution.  Which Elie apparently thinks was written after 1965? 

To which I can only say: “Hey, hey, hey… it’s innumerate Albert!”    

Our second contestant is named Greisa Martinez Rosas, a leftist activist and executive director of United We Dream.  Her group participated in one of the high-profile “Hands Off” rallies on April 5th, protesting against Trump and Elon.  In fact, her rally was in Washington, DC.

She spoke on stage at the protest, and was brazen enough to give her full name and shout, “I am an immigrant.  I am undocumented, unafraid, queer and unashamed.”

I don’t know what “queer” has to do with it.  Or, for that matter, what “queer” means.  Is it just a synonym for “gay?”  But if so, why list the “Q” and the “G” in your alphabet list of identities?  And if not—

Never mind.  I don’t care.  I like women, and I don’t understand the rest of you, but good luck with all of that.  Or congratulations, or my condolences, or good for you, or get well soon, or whatever.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  For some reason, Griesa really needs for all of us to know that she’s illegal and unafraid. 

If she had admitted that when the late Joe Biden was still the president, or when Obama was, she would have had good reason for being unafraid.  Because those guys were busy circumventing the law (and making up new laws) to go after conservatives, and had no appetite for following our immigration laws.  

But there’s a new sheriff in town, and his sidekick is Hulk Homan™, and Griesa has made a big target of herself.  (That’s not a joke about her appearance.  Though if you put her in a line-up with the drug dealer/bowling ball illegal from a few weeks ago…)

So Griesa could have tried to fly under the radar, or maybe even gone underground.  But she decided the best thing to do was to go to the nation’s capital, clomp up onto a stage, and lean into a microphone to confess to being a criminal, in front of an audience of wildly cheering morons. 

Making her eligible for Moron of the Month.  And hopefully, a visit from ICE.

Rounding out the Western division nominees is Tania Fernandes Anderson.  Her campaign might be hurt by the fact that she’s unknown outside of the Boston area – she’s on the City Council there.  But don’t count her out, because she’s a five-tool player.  Or, to be more accurate, a five-tool tool.

Because she’s a BLM activist, a Democrat, a Muslim-American, a sanctuary city supporter, and a “former undocumented immigrant.” 

Okay, maybe the Muslim thing isn’t necessarily a problem.  And there are some decent Democrats.  But that still leaves the other three strikes, which are enough to call her out.  She’s the kind of sweetheart who recently slammed her fist on the podium and said, “What the f**k do I have to do in this council in order to get respect as a black woman?”

Not beating up city property and dropping F bombs would be a good start, Sweetie.

Anyway, Tania has just pled guilty in a federal corruption case, and won’t be bringing her special brand of wisdom to the Boston City Council anymore. 

It turns out that Tania couldn’t be expected to get by on her measly, taxpayer-provided salary of only $115K a year.  So she hired her sister and a son to staff positions before she’d even been sworn in – which is illegal – and then gave the sister a good salary and a $13K “bonus” from the taxpayers, and then took $7,000 of that back as a kickback.  When she was initially questioned about that, she denied that her sister was her sister.  She was also cited for failing to report almost $33K in campaign contributions, and exceeding legal state donation limits. 

By the way, two years ago she was demanding stronger protections for illegal immigrants and telling Boston to defy ICE.  Who could have guessed that a woman like that would turn out to be a criminal herself? 

Thus proving the old adage: It’s always the ones you most suspect.

When I read her story – in between fits of bitter laughter – I learned that she came here illegally, but that in 2019 “she became an American citizen.”  I’m not sure how that worked, but the good news is that her conviction may “threaten her immigration status.” 

Well let’s hope so!

In tough times like these, she would normally be able to turn to her husband, Tanzerious Anderson, for comfort.

I’m serious.  I’m not delirious.  Or trying to be mysterious.  His name’s “Tanzerious.”  (Don’t tell me that I couldn’t write poetry, if I put my mind to it.)

But Tanzerious won’t be able to help his criminal wife, because he’s currently in prison for murder.

Unexpectedly! 

So there are your choices, CO nation, and they are all worthy of your consideration.  Griesa and Tania both get points for brazenness, while Elie wisely kept a much lower profile, by only appearing on the little-watched MSNBC and the View.  And he has to get some points for that preposterous Afro.

But Griesa went to the shadow of the White House to confess her criminality. 

Then again, Tania gave me the chance to write “Tanzerious.”   

Happy Monday, and I await your verdict.

Hamas delenda est!   

Moron of the Month – Eastern Division Nominees (posted 4/11/25)

Even though we’re only one-third of the way through April, I’ve noticed that enough morons have already popped up in our politics this month to provide a roster of worthy competitors for a  “Moron of the Month” contest.

In fact, I’ve already got 6 potential nominees.  Maybe we can do this in rounds, like the March Madness basketball tournament.  (Which I may have previously mentioned that my fightin’ Gators won on Monday night.)

So here are my first three nominees, from the Eastern division:

1. My first choice technically didn’t make her nominated performance in April, but on March 31st.  But since she doesn’t recognize boundaries like those between male and female, I’m going to disregard the boundaries between calendar months to move her into the April competition.

The special gal I’m talking about calls herself “Chase Strangio.” And ze oh ze, is that name spot-on!  (See what I did there?)  She’s the “trans man” – “trans” being Greek for “not,” as far as you know – who argued at SCOTUS in December against the Tennessee law banning “trans” surgery for minors.

You’ll recognize her if you see her, on account of her sad little beard and mustache combination, which you normally only see on barely pubescent boys who are trying too hard, or confused girls who take testosterone shots.  (I call it “the David Hogg.”) 

Strangio appeared on CNN on the last day of March, where literally dozens of viewers saw her say the following, in her obviously female voice, “The president is lying when he says that there are men impersonating women and participating in women’s sports. There are no men impersonating women that I’m aware of.”

Said the woman who is impersonating a man.

2. My second choice needs no introduction, since he is the infamous senator Cory Booker, whom we should never stop mocking because of that time he called himself “Spartacus” with a straight face, and non-ironically. 

Regular readers might object that I occasionally call myself Martacus, but that’s ALWAYS with my tongue in cheek. Except for when my wife asks me to put on the Roman outfit and recite some famous Latin lines.  (And if you think that’s weird, how about you explain what strange things you and your spouse are into, Mr. “Plank-in-Your-Own-Eye?”) 

So once I’ve got the breastplate strapped on and the helmet in place – and no, I never forget the gladius – I’ll stride in and say, “Vini, vidi, vici.  But not in that order.”  And then my wife and I will laugh and laugh, because we both appreciate a sneakily off-color Latin joke. 

Perhaps I’ve said too much.

(By the way, one could make the argument that the fact that I know the Latin name for the Roman short sword is one more data point suggesting that one of my secret identities is in fact Martacus.)

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  “Spartacus” Booker.

That guy is a well-known moron already.  But when he started speaking in March and finished on April 1st, he took stupid to a whole new level.  Not just because it’s hard to speak for 25 hours straight, but because it’s really hard to speak for that long and say absolutely nothing of any substance at all!

Dim-bulb Dems praised Booker for his stirring “filibuster.”  But a filibuster is a purposefully long political speech made to forestall or prevent a legislative action.  Ted Cruz and Ron Paul have filibustered in recent years to stop a couple of terrible leftist bills from being brought up and voted on, and Strom Thurmond – in 1957, when he still belonged to the party of slavery, the KKK and Jim Crow – filibustered a Civil Rights Act. 

But Booker had no such purpose.  He just got up and rambled on like the worst drama-queen theatre kid in the worst Junior High production of Streetcar Named Desire you’ve ever seen in your life.  Except that instead of hollering, “Stella!” he yelled, “Donald!” 

It was the perfect encapsulation of the Democrat party in its current, rudderless state: A speech given by an idiot, full of sound and histrionics, signifying nothing.

3. The third candidate has not been on the political scene for long, but she’s already building up a body of work that might one day qualify for first-ballot entry into the Moron Hall of Fame.  This is Jasmine Crockett, the phony congresswoman who went to an expensive private high school and college, but who pretends that their curricula never covered “how to correctly conjugate the verb ‘to be’.”

Previous low-lights of hers include calling wheelchair-bound Greg Abbott “Governor Hot Wheels,” and calling black GOP congressman Byron Donald a race traitor because he married a white woman.  (Of course, she doesn’t mention that her favorite presidential candidate last time around – part black, part Indian, and all inarticulate – also married a white woman, Doug Emhoff.  But never mind that.)

She started the month strong, when – in a talk on the House floor on April Crockett’s Day (i.e. the first) – she expressed outrage that the Trump administration has been saying that we should “ignore the orders” of the far-left district court judges who have been found dozens of “legal” reasons why the President can’t go around carrying out the role of President.

Saith the Eyelashes, “Law and order [means] that you follow the order and go through the appeals process, even if you dislike what the judge did.”

Darrell Issa, (R)ational, then immediately pointed out that less than a year ago, Crockett co-sponsored articles of impeachment against Clarence Thomas and Alito because she disliked what they did, i.e. ruled correctly.

D’oh!   

The very next day, Crockett was dumb enough to admit on camera that she was a DEI hire.  (Sidebar: Sweet pea, everyone knew that the moment you opened your mouth.)  She said, “When I first became a public defender I had no criminal defense experience.  And I walked in and I told my boss Charlie and said, ‘You should hire me.”  And he said, ‘Why?’  And I said, ‘Because I’m black.’” 

And when Charlie (rumors that his last name was either “Brown” or “Manson” have not been confirmed) didn’t immediately say, “Get your no-experience-having black behind out of my office, you racist beeyotch!” he proved that he shouldn’t have his job either.

But as dumb as those examples are, she topped them on April 6th, when she tried to defend illegal immigrants, but staggered into a hilarious self-own.  Because she’s a moron.

In a speech that desecrated the Grace Baptist Church in Waterbury, Connecticut, she said that she “had to go around the country and educate people” (HA!) about how we need illegals, because no Americans will farm anymore.

Or, as the expensively “educated” imbecile put it, “The fact is ain’t none a y’all tryin’ to go and farm right now….We done pickin’ cotton.” 

In addition to making anyone within earshot dumber after hearing that, Crockett said the quiet part – the incredibly evil, quiet part – out loud, arguing that we need illegal immigrants, so that… wait for it… they can be our slaves!

Now THAT’s an old-school Democrat for you!

In your comments, please choose which moron should move on to the next round.

Hamas delenda est!

Here’s a Tariff Column You Might Not Like (posted 4/10/25)

(AUTHOR’S NOTE: I swear that I wrote this yesterday (Wednesday) over my lunch hour, before the partial tariff pause was announced.  Does that make me look like someone who can put on a conical purple wizard’s hat and see the future, like a modern-day Nostra-martacus?  I’m too modest to say that.  But on the other hand, who am I to fly in the face of public opinion?)

This is going to be a rare, four-column week for me, since I posted columns on Monday and yesterday, and will be posting again tomorrow.

Before CO Nation gets too happy about that, I’ve got to warn you about this one.  I’ve been gratified that many readers have lately been posting responses that my most recent column “is your best one yet,” or “my favorite column you’ve ever written.” 

And that always makes my day to hear!  However, trigger warning, I expect that many readers will say of today’s column, “This is your worst column ever,” or “Who are you, and what have you done with our beloved hilarious genius who is always right about everything, and makes our lives worth living?  Because this column sucked!”

Or words to that effect.

But I’m forging ahead anyway: this is my column in which I tell you what’s wrong with Trump’s tariff roll-out.

First off, I’m an English professor with a black belt in mockery, and trophies for “Best Out-Kicking His Coverage in Landing a Great Wife,” and “Owner of the best Wonder Dog ever.”  But I’m not known for my brilliance on all things financial (hence my decision to spend 10 years getting a PhD in English!), and I’m the farthest thing from an expert tariff-ologist.  So you wouldn’t normally want to pay any attention to my thoughts on the subject.

But I’ve been reading and informing myself on the topic, and when I initially read that Victor Davis Hanson was very pro-Trump-tariffs, that carried a lot of weight with me.  Because as a general rule, I’ve found that if you’re on the opposite side of an argument from VDH, you better check your premises, and then slowly back out of the debate.

But then I read the reasons why Ben Shapiro, Thomas Sowell and the great and powerful CO were all tariff skeptics.  And I’ve also learned that if you find yourself disagreeing with those three, there’s a dangerously high probability that you’re on the same side of the argument with AOC, Chuck Schumer and Hakeem Jeffries.  And as Jasmine “fake lashes” Crockett has probably said, “Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!”

So I went back and listened to VDH’s entire take on tariffs, and found that he’s basically where I was, which is that using reciprocal tariffs to negotiate deals that results in fewer tariffs and freer trade is a good thing, but that Trump’s messaging on the topic – including his lumping trade deficits and many other financial issues in with tariffs – is confusing and counter-productive, and should be dropped in favor of a clear, uncomplicated message solely about tariffs, and his goals behind his tariff policy.

1. Trump’s messaging on tariffs has been all over the map, and wildly inconsistent.  Trump (and administration officials) has said many times that tariffs are great in general, and that they should be regular, long-term features of our economic strategy, because they produce huge piles of cash to the US.  He’s also said many times that tariffs are a temporary means of achieving a negotiated dropping of tariffs, and the resulting explosion of free trade.

Those can’t both be true, because they contradict each other.  If tariffs are great and produce a financial windfall for the US, we should keep them in place forever.  If they are a temporarily necessary, rough-elbowed negotiation tactic which we want to get rid of ASAP (i.e. as soon as they produce a new deal), then they can’t be a great long-term windfall producer. 

I’m guessing that he means that they are useful in some circumstances (e.g. as a means to punish our enemies and reward our allies, or to protect specific industries that have national defense implications, etc.) and counter-productive in others. 

But I’m GUESSING that.  And so are the markets, many of his own supporters, and even VDH, who wants him to drop the chaotic vagueness.  Trump is the clearest communicator since Reagan, so there’s no reason for him to be hampering his own policy through this mish-mash of self-contradictory messaging.  

2. Trade deficits are very different from tariffs, but Trump sometimes seems to not admit – or even recognize – that difference.  When his chart says “tariffs” (and then below that, includes smaller print that says “including currency manipulations and trade barriers”) he’s lumping together apples and oranges, especially since his numbers only make sense if he’s primarily counting trade deficits rather than tariffs.

For example, South Korea’s overall tariff rate on American imports is 0.8% (not 8%, eight-tenths  of 1%), and Viet Nam’s is around 10%.  But his chart labeled “Tariffs” says that Viet Nam’s tariffs are 90%, and South Korea’s are 50%.  Which is ridiculously wrong, and unnecessarily gives his critics a weapon to bash him with.

I’m not saying that trade deficits aren’t sometimes created in part by protectionist policies like tariffs, currency manipulation, bogus “safety concerns,” etc.  And in those cases, I’m all for tariffs to address that.  But that’s certainly not the case for all trade deficits; in fact, many of them largely or even totally exist only because of the lopsided relative population and wealth of two trading countries.

There are over 300 million people in the US, and according to Federal Reserve stats, the per capita income of Americans was $73,529 in 2024.  In that same year, Somalia’s population was 19 million, and their per capita income was around $900.  Viet Nam’s population was 101 million, and their per capita income was 114 million Vietnamese dong.  Which sounds pretty good, until you realize that that is roughly $4700 US dollars.

(Sidebar, because I am basically a grade school child: The great Clint Eastwood western “A Fistful of Dollars,” if it were translated and closed-captioned to be shown in Viet Nam, would have an absolutely hilarious title.  And the Vietnamese Stormy Daniels would somehow star in it.)

Given those facts, how many American products do you think the average Somalian earning $900 per year or the average Vietnamese earning $4700 could buy, versus how many Somalian or Vietnamese products the average American earning $73,000 could buy? 

The answer is somewhere between “jack” and “squat.”  In other words, if Vietnam and Somalia trade with the United States at all, there is no planet on which there would EVER be a non-lopsided trade deficit with both of those countries.  Because it is impossible.

And if I haven’t already pissed you off, consider this, which is a variation of something I read from Thomas Sowell (peace be upon him) many years ago: in many cases, a trade deficit is not a bad thing at all, but the beneficial result of voluntary exchanges made in a free market. 

For example, every year I run a 100% trade deficit with Publix and my local bookstore: I buy groceries and books from them, but they buy nothing from me.  By the same token, I have a 100% trade surplus with all of my tenants, because they give me many thousands of dollars while I give them zero money, providing only a great place to live in a great neighborhood.  And everyone is happy.      

The good news is that the current tariff impacts on the stock market are both (IMHO) less catastrophic and less long-lasting than our most panicked commentators (and all congressional Dems) are screaming.

That’s not to say that they’re not bad.  American investors can’t lose $6-7 trillion of value without that hurting, and I’m just barely smart enough to know that such losses don’t only hurt fat cats and rich investors. (Because I’m not a commie class-warrior!) Small investors and entrepreneurs, people with 401Ks and pension plans, and everybody working for large or small employers who have debt or require foreign parts, materials or customers (i.e. a large proportion of large and small employers) will be hurt by this, if it lasts for very long.

By the same token, as I write this, the DOW is right around 40,000.  Which indicates a disastrous plunge down to the last time it closed below 40K, during the height of the calamity of that long-ago trauma happening…wait for it…three years ago!  And the NASDAQ – even after the bloodbath of the last several weeks – is still up 3% over a year ago, according to the market stats scrolling across my computer screen right now.

Look, I don’t want to mock anybody who’s worried about the slide.  I’m retired and my wife is about to retire, and our retirement nest egg is down by around six figures, which isn’t fun.  On the other hand, the market goes up and down all the time, and if a 10-15% drop is unbearable for you, you probably shouldn’t be in the stock market. You can (and maybe should) get a not-great but safe return of around 5% (I think) in a fixed annuity or a long-term CD.

And my gut tells me (but again, don’t trust financial advice from an English professor!) that the current turmoil is likely to be pretty short-lived.  My evidence is the history of the market over the last 50 years, and also recent history.  For example, earlier this week, when a false rumor that Trump was pausing the tariffs for 90 days, the market gained something like $2 trillion (which then disappeared again when the rumor was debunked).  And on Monday, spurred by the news that the Trump administration and the Japanese were negotiating a lowered-tariffs deal, the Nikkei jumped by around by 6.5%.

I don’t see any reason why – once Trump actually does start signing new tariff agreements with Japan and many other countries – the market won’t shoot up, the same way it did on these rumors in the last 15 minutes.

In conclusion, I’m a pani-can’t, not a panican, and I think that this current trade sturm und drang too will pass.  But I wish that Trump would take advice from VDH, Thomas Sowell, CO (and even me), and clean up his needlessly confusing and contradictory messaging.

By the way, did you notice how smart I just sounded when I reported the Nikkei’s reaction to the newest tariff news? 

Well, until an hour ago, I thought the “Nikkei” were those old-timey Japanese warriors with the cool armor, or possibly the loons who dove their Zeros into our ships in 1945.  (Hey, idiots, let us introduce you to our little friends, Fat Man and Little Boy!) But I did a minute’s worth of research online, and you foolishly trusted me (even though this time I was right). 

Let that be a lesson to you the next time some “expert” assures you that Trump’s tariffs are the end of the world as we know it. 

Because that “expert” might just be a clueless liberal arts professor posing as a smart guy, even though he might not know Adam Schiff from a hole in the ground!

Hamas delenda est!

Thoughts on Immigration, Part 3 (posted 4/9/25)

I’ll start today by thanking everybody for your feedback on my Monday column. I normally respond to all comments, but I’ve had a lot going on the last several days, including watching the fightin’ Gators winning the NCAA basketball national championship! 

And that game went just the way we drew it up.  Have your best scorer play his worst game? Check.  Score the fewest points you’ve scored in a very long time? Check.  Trail by 12 points pretty late?  Check.  Lead the game for right around one minute out of 40?  Check.

But space that minute out wisely.  Take 17 seconds of lead time in the first half…and then the last 45 seconds of the game!

Also, it didn’t hurt that we played defense like Hulk Homan™ holding Gandalf’s staff at the southern border.  (“You shall not pass!  Or score very often…”) 

UF opened our basketball stadium and showed the game live on the big screen.  The place was packed, and it’s only half a mile from our house, so you could practically feel the ground shaking when the game ended! 

Anyway, I did read your comments, and I appreciate them.

This is the third and final part of my series of columns about immigration.  In the first part, I went through the evolution of our immigration laws, and pointed out groups who were specifically excluded from immigrating, including the stupid, insane, sick, welfare recipients and criminals.

In the second part, I discussed the reasons why many Americans were once either browbeaten or shamed into not deporting illegals, and how the lefties’ tactics to achieve that goal are no longer working.  Today I’m closing with a simple analogy, and a little analysis of how immigration rules should apply to visa holders and would-be naturalized citizens. 

The analogy is that a nation is like a house. 

Okay, I know that’s not especially deep or brilliant.  It’s no “faith is like a mustard seed.”  Or even, “Life is like a box of chocolates.”  But I think it can still be useful.

Your house has clear boundaries around it, i.e. its walls.  If we consider the slightly more expansive concept of “your property,” your house even has a series of exterior borders, such as your yard.  Often that is marked by a fence, or a hedge, or the edge of a lawn.  Sometimes there is another liminal space — a porch, a stoop or a patio – where you are not within the house yet, but you’re farther from the purely public space outside the yard.

If you’re a well-raised person, you feel a bit of natural reluctance to enter someone’s property without a prior arrangement to do so.  You might walk up to a door and onto the porch and knock on the door…if you’re delivering a package or you’ve told the resident that you’d be dropping by. 

But if it’s a stranger’s house and they’re not expecting you, it’s uncomfortable to let yourself in through a gated fence, and more so to walk up onto the porch.  Most of us, after knocking, will instinctively step back to the edge of the porch and try to put a pleasant look on our faces, so that the inhabitants can take a reassuring look at us from a safe distance before they open the door.  Most of us will be more polite than usual in such a situation.

Since you have the right to decide who comes into your house, and under what circumstances, you don’t even have to open the door. 

And only a sociopathic squatter, if nobody comes to the door, will just let himself in and make himself at home!

And if he does – and if the house in question is in a red state or smaller town where people have their heads on straight – he might be greeted with a warning gunshot to the chest or head.  Or at least the mind-focusing sound of a shell being racked into a shotgun.

If said squatter was lucky enough to find no one at home, and especially if it’s a big house, he would be wise to find a good hiding place, if he wanted to stay in the house.  Maybe an attic, or a basement, or the garage. 

You see where I’m going with this.  Illegal immigrants are the squatters here, and traditional, old-fashioned illegals at least had the good sense to hide, and make themselves as unobtrusive as possible.  Hence the saying from the good old days of 20 years ago which described illegals as “living in the shadows.”  They would hide from the authorities, work under-the-table jobs, and try super-hard to not be noticed.  When that didn’t work, they had the good sense to try to run.

But, like beleaguered citizens in a sanctuary city run by morons, we’ve created a new type of illegals: the entitled type.  In our lawn we’ve put up one of those idiotic signs saying, “In this house, we believe no one is illegal.”  And on our porch we’ve put up an even more idiotic welcome mat saying, “Welcome, MS-13!”

And beside our door we put a thrice-idiotic big plastic pumpkin filled with cell phones, hundred-dollar-bills, EBT cards and voter registration forms, and above that pumpkin a sign saying, “FREE!  But we’re on the honor system, so just take one of each.” (Spoiler alert: each day the first sociopath to arrive takes them all.) 

And for four years our demented grandpa who was in charge of the house – let’s call him Brandon – left the front door wide open.  And he’s the one who put the pumpkin there, because in his diminished state, he thinks every day is Halloween.

So now the squatters don’t even bother to hide in the attic or garage.  They raid our fridge, eat on our sectional couch, order pay-per-view imam sermons, and take over the master bedroom for themselves.

Sure, there are still some “nice” squatters, with the good sense to hide out in the garage with a hot plate and try to fly under the radar.  If they’re caught, they might offer to take care of the yard, clean and do our laundry if we just let them stay.

It’s no coincidence that in our blue cities and states we’ve had an unprecedented epidemic of literal squatters.  In a healthy country, no one would have the cojones to try to forcibly take over someone’s house, because they’d expect to be forcibly removed and jailed quick, fast and in a hurry.

But in recent years, squatters figured out that if we won’t enforce our borders and our laws, why would we draw that line at our houses?   And they weren’t wrong.

Obviously, we shouldn’t allow illegals to stay here, any more than we’d allow squatters to stay in our house.  Yes, we should prioritize removing the brazen sociopaths in the master bedroom first, but the “nicer” ones in the garage will need to go too, as soon as we can get to them.

People legally here on visas are more like house guests or roommates.  Some of them are here temporarily – on a student or working visa that is the equivalent of a one- or two-year lease.  Others are in a potential rent-to-own situation, with a green card that allows them to live here while they’re going through a process that they hope will eventually allow them to become citizens. 

But in those cases – and I cannot stress this enough – the roommates must be on their very best behavior.  Pay your rent on time.  Abide by all house rules.  Don’t make us sorry that we allowed you to move in!

That’s what’s been so infuriating about the entitled little Ivy League Marxists and junior jihadis, and the elite leftists who support and defend them.  We give them the amazing gift of allowing them to come to the greatest country in the world, to study at what used to be top-flight universities, and they immediately start acting like horrible roommates and entitled brats.

Khalid Mahmoud and many like him seem to double-major in anti-Semitism and campus disruption.  Helyeh (more like “Hell no!” am I right?) Doutaghi gets a professor gig, and then spends most of her time slandering America and the West as fascist colonizers, and promoting the jihadist ideology of our nation’s enemies. 

And when we cancel their visas and move to deport them, the usual suspects wail about it.  “They haven’t committed any crimes!  They haven’t gotten due process!  This is a free speech issue!”

No, it isn’t.  It’s a spoiled, horrible piece-of-crap squatting roommate issue!

They’ve done the equivalent of moving into my house, drinking all of my bourbon, then falling asleep on my best recliner and urinating on it in their sleep.  Then they wake me up in the morning by blasting some horrific Palestinian rap music (Lil Scimitar and the Infidel Beheaders’ “Throw the Jew Down the Well”).  When I go to the kitchen to make breakfast, I discover that they’ve eaten all the eggs and thrown out all the bacon, because it’s “haram.”  

Then, just when I’m watching the Gators celebrating the national championship, and our 7’9” redshirt freshman cutting down the net without the use of a ladder (that’s a real thing that happened on Monday night), they switch the channel to a Syrian soccer game.   

When I look at them with murder in my eyes, they inform me that Cassie the Wonder Dog is going to have to go, because Muhammad says that dogs are unclean. 

And then their first rent check bounces.

They’re in our house, and they’ve got no right to be here.  They’ve abused our hospitality, and they need to be thrown out, both because they richly deserve it, and “pour encourager les autres.”      So we’re calling our neighborhood cop to come over and give them a taser-and-billy-club-assisted eviction. 

And our neighborhood cop is Hulk Homan.™

Hamas delenda est!