By now you’ve all seen that CO has temporarily stepped back from the page for a few days, which I feel like puts a little more pressure on me to make you laugh on a Monday morning. But much like Walter Clayton Jr. (from the national champion Florida Gators – have I mentioned that?), I’m a clutch player.
So it’s Martacus’ time to shine!
In my Friday column I introduced three candidates for “Moron of the Month,” and by popular acclaim, Jasmine “Fake Lashes” Crockett beat out the too aptly named Chase Strangio and drama queen Spartacus Booker to move on to represent the Eastern division in the next round.
Today we’ve got three more worthy competitors, this time from the Western division. (Just like in the NCAA tournament, geographical names for the divisions are meaningless.)
First up we’ve got Elie Mystal, a public “intellectual” (and yes, those scare quotes are mandatory) with degrees from Harvard (because of course he has) who would be best known for his rabid America- and whitey-hatred, except for the fact that every African-American appearing on MSNBC is an unpatriotic, rabid whitey hater.
So he’s best known for his truly ridiculous, giant gray puff-ball of an Afro. Which makes him look like he’s closing in on 70, when he’s actually only 46. I have two theories about that:
1. He got so sick of all of the Fat Albert jokes that he dyed his hair gray to stop them. (Though I’m not sure that, “Hey, hey, hey… it’s Old dumb Albert!” is a whole lot better.)
2. Just like soldiers who live through horrifying combat sometimes go prematurely gray, I think maybe morons who think too many horrifyingly stupid thoughts go through the same thing.
Though he’s little known to the general public (because he writes for The Nation, and often appears on MSNBC), Mystal has been making a name for himself in moron circles for quite a while.
He wrote an execrable book in 2022 called, “Allow me to Retort: A Black Guy’s Guide to the Constitution.” I planned to write a review of it called, “Allow me to Vomit: A White Guy’s Review of F.A. Mystal’s “A Black Guy’s Guide to the Constitution.” But I couldn’t make it through the first several pages.
Earlier this month, he came out with his second book, “Bad Law: Ten Popular Laws That are Ruining America.” And it has single-handedly made a liar out of me, because I spent many years telling my students that there is no such thing as a stupid question.
Then I read the table of contents of Bad Law. Consider the following chapter titles, along with the obvious answers to each:
Chapter 2: How Did Immigrants Become “Illegal?” [By breaking our laws, you moron.]
Chapter 4: Why Do We Incarcerate So Many People? [Because they break our laws, you moron.]
Chapter 7: “Why Do We Give White Guys a License to Kill Black People?” [We don’t, you moron.]
Chapter 9: “Why Can’t We Say Gay?” [We can, you moron.]
As you can already tell, Mystal has an IQ low enough to scare those nightmarish albino fish in the lightless depths of the Mariana Trench. (Latin name: “pescatorus LizWarrenus”) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)
But he’s also got the second element of the one-two punch that so many elite leftists have: a narcissism as large as the great outdoors.
In an interview to promote Bad Law, he talked about how he is such a significant critic of the Trump administration that he’s had to hire security during his book tour, because he’s worried that Trump is going to have someone “snatch him up off the street.”
(Make your own, “Watch out for a forklift with a presidential seal on it, Elie!” joke here.)
My favorite idiotic statement of his came on his appearance on The View. I know. And he might have been the dumbest one on the set that day. Which…yikes!
When explaining why we shouldn’t abide by our immigration laws, he referred to how racist and awful America is (duh!), and said, “Every law passed before the 1965 Voting Rights Act should be presumptively unconstitutional.”
Let that sink in for a minute. The only way to declare any law unconstitutional is to examine it in the light of our founding legal document: the constitution. Which Elie apparently thinks was written after 1965?
To which I can only say: “Hey, hey, hey… it’s innumerate Albert!”
Our second contestant is named Greisa Martinez Rosas, a leftist activist and executive director of United We Dream. Her group participated in one of the high-profile “Hands Off” rallies on April 5th, protesting against Trump and Elon. In fact, her rally was in Washington, DC.
She spoke on stage at the protest, and was brazen enough to give her full name and shout, “I am an immigrant. I am undocumented, unafraid, queer and unashamed.”
I don’t know what “queer” has to do with it. Or, for that matter, what “queer” means. Is it just a synonym for “gay?” But if so, why list the “Q” and the “G” in your alphabet list of identities? And if not—
Never mind. I don’t care. I like women, and I don’t understand the rest of you, but good luck with all of that. Or congratulations, or my condolences, or good for you, or get well soon, or whatever.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. For some reason, Griesa really needs for all of us to know that she’s illegal and unafraid.
If she had admitted that when the late Joe Biden was still the president, or when Obama was, she would have had good reason for being unafraid. Because those guys were busy circumventing the law (and making up new laws) to go after conservatives, and had no appetite for following our immigration laws.
But there’s a new sheriff in town, and his sidekick is Hulk Homan™, and Griesa has made a big target of herself. (That’s not a joke about her appearance. Though if you put her in a line-up with the drug dealer/bowling ball illegal from a few weeks ago…)
So Griesa could have tried to fly under the radar, or maybe even gone underground. But she decided the best thing to do was to go to the nation’s capital, clomp up onto a stage, and lean into a microphone to confess to being a criminal, in front of an audience of wildly cheering morons.
Making her eligible for Moron of the Month. And hopefully, a visit from ICE.
Rounding out the Western division nominees is Tania Fernandes Anderson. Her campaign might be hurt by the fact that she’s unknown outside of the Boston area – she’s on the City Council there. But don’t count her out, because she’s a five-tool player. Or, to be more accurate, a five-tool tool.
Because she’s a BLM activist, a Democrat, a Muslim-American, a sanctuary city supporter, and a “former undocumented immigrant.”
Okay, maybe the Muslim thing isn’t necessarily a problem. And there are some decent Democrats. But that still leaves the other three strikes, which are enough to call her out. She’s the kind of sweetheart who recently slammed her fist on the podium and said, “What the f**k do I have to do in this council in order to get respect as a black woman?”
Not beating up city property and dropping F bombs would be a good start, Sweetie.
Anyway, Tania has just pled guilty in a federal corruption case, and won’t be bringing her special brand of wisdom to the Boston City Council anymore.
It turns out that Tania couldn’t be expected to get by on her measly, taxpayer-provided salary of only $115K a year. So she hired her sister and a son to staff positions before she’d even been sworn in – which is illegal – and then gave the sister a good salary and a $13K “bonus” from the taxpayers, and then took $7,000 of that back as a kickback. When she was initially questioned about that, she denied that her sister was her sister. She was also cited for failing to report almost $33K in campaign contributions, and exceeding legal state donation limits.
By the way, two years ago she was demanding stronger protections for illegal immigrants and telling Boston to defy ICE. Who could have guessed that a woman like that would turn out to be a criminal herself?
Thus proving the old adage: It’s always the ones you most suspect.
When I read her story – in between fits of bitter laughter – I learned that she came here illegally, but that in 2019 “she became an American citizen.” I’m not sure how that worked, but the good news is that her conviction may “threaten her immigration status.”
Well let’s hope so!
In tough times like these, she would normally be able to turn to her husband, Tanzerious Anderson, for comfort.
I’m serious. I’m not delirious. Or trying to be mysterious. His name’s “Tanzerious.” (Don’t tell me that I couldn’t write poetry, if I put my mind to it.)
But Tanzerious won’t be able to help his criminal wife, because he’s currently in prison for murder.
Unexpectedly!
So there are your choices, CO nation, and they are all worthy of your consideration. Griesa and Tania both get points for brazenness, while Elie wisely kept a much lower profile, by only appearing on the little-watched MSNBC and the View. And he has to get some points for that preposterous Afro.
But Griesa went to the shadow of the White House to confess her criminality.
Then again, Tania gave me the chance to write “Tanzerious.”
Happy Monday, and I await your verdict.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 