After two over-long columns on the serious subjects of lawfare and the courts, today I’m returning to the kind of material that is right in my usual wheelhouse: a quick rundown of recent stories requiring juvenile mockery.
But I appreciate the many thoughtful comments that you all posted on my last two columns. I’m going to share a little more next week to answer your questions about how my buddy responded to my emails, and also about my conversion from being a liberal in my callow youth, to the wise old conservative you know and love today.
First up, we have a new candidate for the leftists’ “Self-Detonating Hero” designation, so get ready for a fusillade of “unexpectedly”s:
He is a pro-Hamas, anti-Semite Columbia student (unexpectedly!) from “Palestine” (unexpectedly!), here on a green card (unexpectedly!) named Mohsen Mahdawi.
Mahdawi was taken into custody by ICE, but has been temporarily released on bond on the order of a US District court judge in Vermont. (Unexpectedly!) Of course that judge was appointed by Ronald Reagan.
HA! I kid because I love. He’s an Obama appointee.
Unexpectedly!
And the Dems are already beginning to transfer their schoolgirl crushes from Kilmar to Mohsen, like a 13-year-old girl replacing her Donnie Osmond poster with a Shaun Cassidy one. (I’ll take “Timely late 1970s pop culture references” for $100, Alex.)
Mohsen looks like an Arab Luigi Mangione, and he’s got the soft-spoken peace-loving protestor routine down pat. CBS and the NY Times have already given him tongue-bath interviews. (Unexpectedly!) So start your countdown clocks, because you know he’s going to blow up in their faces soon.
I just came across a group called Canary Mission, who documents and publicizes people and organizations who promote hatred of the US, Israel and Jews, and they’ve put together a great two-minute video of Mohsen spouting some soothing talking points about how his activism “is centered in the energy of love.”
Hilariously, the video intersperses Mohsen’s assertions with video clips and pics that belie his words. He says, “Antisemitism has no place in our movement.” Cut to him holding a microphone wearing a keffiyeh, in the middle of three other people, under the chyron, “Mohsen surrounded by anti-Semites.”
He says, “My compassion is also for the Jewish people.” Cut to him standing on campus, using a bullhorn to drown out a small group of students calling on Hamas to release the red-headed Bibas babies, whom they eventually murdered, along with their mother. (In that clip, Mohsen has a hateful smirk on his face that made me wish the IDF had placed one of their pager charges in his bullhorn.)
My favorite part of the video is when Mohsen mournfully accuses the IDF of killing six of his cousins and his uncle. Cut to a photo lineup of scowling “Palestinian” terrorists, one of them holding an AK-47, identifying them as his cousins and uncle.
It reminded me of a mafia movie scene in which an old gangster looks through wedding pictures. “There’s Sammy the Bull, Fat Tony Salerno, Frankie the Blade Lucchese, Big Paulie and Little Paulie Genovese. All of them upstanding Italian Americans, unjustly harassed by the police!”
I hope the Dems go all-in on dreamy peacenik Mohsen as their newest poster boy. Then, pics of him in a suicide vest, proudly holding up a copy of Mein Kampf can show up in 3… 2… 1…
While the Dems are hot and bothered over Mohsen, they’re very worried about another one of their own, Lurch Fetterman. Last week New York Magazine ran an alarmist story about his health, with the tagline, “John Fetterman’s Struggle: The senator insists he is in good health. But staffers past and present say they no longer recognize the man they once knew.”
If you didn’t know what a left-wing rag NY Mag is, you might think that Fetterman has had another stroke, or a heart attack, or is possibly collapsing on a regular basis and bleeding from the eyes.
But if you were a certain hilarious genius with a fully functional wizard hat, you might guess that Fetterman is continuing to make more sense, which his leftist handlers regard with alarm. And you’d be 100% right.
Expectedly!
The story actually has various members of his staff hysterically getting their dresses – or in some cases their gender non-binary onesies – over their heads because Fetterman has demonstrated such ominous signs of dementia as… wait for it… disbelieving that the IDF is bombing “Palestinian” “refugee” camps full of “innocent civilians,” and… wait for it again… considering not voting against Pete Hegseth’s nomination for SecDef!
One of his key advisors who quit last year captures the tone of the article: “I hope Senator Fetterman gets the help he needs.”
The story is unintentionally funny, and it perfectly sums up the elite left in a nutshell: When Fetterman shuffled around like a stuttering, lobotomized mental patient who would vote for whatever they put in front of him, they praised him to the skies! But now that he’s occasionally making sense, they think he’s lost his mind. Perfect!
Speaking of losing one’s mind, did you catch the CNN interview with a Sinaloa cartel member? They put him in a disguise and altered his voice, and the interviewer talked to him as if he was an aggrieved victim of unfair accusations. She said, “According to the Trump administration, you are a terrorist. What do you make of that?”
The guy answered, “Well, the situation is ugly, but we have to eat.”
Of course you do. And of course the CNN dope didn’t push back at all. Because who among us hasn’t been in that poor criminal’s situation?
I remember my junior year in high school, when I’d smuggled some fentanyl into study hall, shot two of my rivals execution-style, and sex trafficked several of my female classmates for cash, and I got caught. Boy, was my dad mad when he got called down to the principal’s office with me!
But I said, “Dad, if I didn’t sell drugs, pimp out my girlfriends and assassinate my competitors, what would I do for lunch money?”
And everyone agreed that I’d made a compelling case. So I spent a year in juvie and missed my graduation, but four short years later I got a job as a reporter at CNN. True story.
Anyway, I can’t believe that even CNN can be this stupid. They hate Trump and would do anything to discredit him, but do they really believe that a violent cartel thug giving him a thumb’s down is going to help the Dems and hurt Trump?!
You keep doing you, CNN!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 