Deadspin Dies, Stupid Criminals, & Celebrations of Excellence (posted 3/15/24)

First up today is Schadenfreude Corner:

You might remember the leftist sports site Deadspin because of its senior writer Carron “Karen” Phillips.  He’s a lovely little whitey-hater who managed to work race into many of his stories over the years, culminating five months ago when he smeared a 9-year-old Kansas City Chiefs fan as a racist for wearing “black face” at a game.

Of course the kid wasn’t wearing black face; he was wearing the team colors, both red and black.  He was also wearing an Indian headdress, which allowed Phillips to go for the vaunted “racial arsonist two-fer,” accusing the kid of “[finding] a way to hate black people and Native Americans at the same time.” 

You don’t have to search Phillips’ entire oeuvre to see if he has ever expressed outrage at a certain albino-adjacent Massachusetts Senator who has parlayed the actual use of “red face” into a lucrative academic and then political career.   (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Because of course he hasn’t.  Besides, he doesn’t think that kid was “hating” Indians any more than he was “hating” blacks.

The idiotic leftist fixation about Indian sports mascots has always driven me crazy.  Everybody knows that you pick sports mascots because of their positive qualities. 

That’s why teams with animal mascots pick animals admired for their strength or ferociousness; you’ll see tons of lions, tigers and bears, but no weasels or skunks.  Bird mascots include eagles, hawks and ravens, but no pigeons or vultures.

And the same goes for human mascots, obviously.  Minnesota didn’t pick the Vikings because they hate big, blond white guys.  Towns didn’t pick Oilers, Packers or Steelers because they despise working stiffs.  And the “Pittsburgh Pedophiles” didn’t narrowly edge out “steelers” in a naming competition!

So the many Braves, Chiefs and Indians in sports are compliments, not insults.  And even though I can see that “Redskins” may have been a little much, I think Washington screwed up by not just re-naming the team the Warriors.  They already had an iconic helmet with a big “W” on it, for crying out loud. 

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Carron/Karen Phillips is a racist jerk, and Deadspin is a woke enough outfit that they hired and supported a jerk like Phillips. 

Aaannnndddd… this week Deadspin was sold, and every staff member there was immediately fired.

HA!  I can only hope that there is a factory that makes racist dog whistles and is looking to hire a tester, because Carron/Karen would love that job.

Except that he’d get fired within a week, since every single sound he ever hears sounds like racism to him.

So learn to code, Carron!         

In the “Stupid Criminals” category, I bring you the tale of New Yorker Sheldon Johnson, a career criminal and drug dealer who was sentenced 25 years ago to 50 years in prison, for what news reports coyly describe as “attempted murder and assorted other offenses.”  

Because Johnson committed his crimes in New York, where the Democrats in charge spend most of their crime-fighting energy on trying to send Republican presidential candidates to the electric chair for taking out giant real estate loans and then paying them back with interest, he appealed to Alvin Bragg and Governor Hochul for clemency.

In his letter to Bragg, his first paragraph demonstrated how he has taken full responsibility for his crimes: “I am a product of systemic racism; intergenerational incarceration.  A product of trauma, the school-to-prison pipeline and crack-era Reaganomics.”

Got that?  His grandpa went to Alcatraz in the 1930s, and then when Johnson was a freshman he took a left out of the cafeteria and instead of heading to Biology he got into the prison pipeline, plus Reagan got elected. So what chance did poor, young Sheldon have?

Naturally, Hochul gave him clemency and let him out last May.  He got a job as a counselor for at-risk teens in the Queens public defender’s office, and received fawning attention from the usual leftist suspects, who touted him as a great success story. 

Aaannnnndddd… a week ago police responded to a wellness check call at the Bronx apartment of Collin Small.  The cops found Johnson in Small’s apartment.  They also found Small’s torso and feet in a garbage bin, and his legs, arms and head in the freezer.

They took Small to a hospital, where he’s listed in stable condition.

HA!  I kid.  He’s dead. 

The cops arrested Johnson and started an investigation that found, and I quote, “Smalls and Johnson were in Sing Sing prison at the same time, and it is believed that there was animosity between them.”

Good lord, I hope so!  Because if Johnson murdered and dismembered Small and they were besties, I don’t want to know what Johnson would do to someone he felt animosity for!

“Okay, Martin,” you may be saying to yourself, “you’ve established that Johnson is a criminal. But is he a truly stupid criminal, as your entertaining new column feature suggests?”

Oh ye of little faith.  I hadn’t gotten to the part about how Johnson got caught yet:

First, Johnson killed Smalls in an apartment building, with a gun.  And no, the gun was not equipped with a silencer.

In fact, several neighbors reported hearing two gun shots, followed by a man saying, “Please don’t, I have a family!” followed by several more shots.

The building superintendent then checked security camera footage and saw a man walking in and out of the apartment multiple times, and changing clothes each time.  For one trip he wore a plaid golf cap and pushed a plastic, wheeled storage bin. 

For the next trip he wore a different jacket and a fisherman’s hat – because nothing is more common than a guy in the Bronx following his golf outing with a fishing trip – and carrying two bags.  (News reports don’t specifically describe them as “foot-sized bags,” but I think we know.) (And ditto on the “torso-sized storage bin.”)

On the third trip he wore a puffy coat, sunglasses and a blonde wig.  (I hope Bragg has added a second-degree cultural appropriation charge for that wig!)

Yet even though he’s a master of disguise, the superintendent somehow figured out that something was up, and called the cops.

So great job, New York Democrats!  If you’d kept Johnson inside, Small would be alive today.

I mean, unless he was foolish enough to take the subway, in which case he probably would have been shoved onto the tracks by a violent psychopath and dismembered anyway. 

So just never mind.

Finally, I have two entries for my “Celebrating Excellence” category:

Two weeks ago, a Senate Bill signed by Ron DeSantis last year went into effect at my alma mater, and UF ended all contracts with DEI vendors, closed its DEI department and fired all staffers who were employed in DEI positions. 

As a liberal arts professor for 30 years, I cannot tell you how difficult that is to believe.  As far as I know, it’s the first time a university DEI department has been shut down anywhere in the country. 

I know that many schools will continue to fight this, especially after DeSantis is out of office, and he is certainly hated by many academics all over the state right now.  But if you can judge a man’s character by the nature of his enemies, DeSantis has given conservatives one more reason to admire him.

Man, I hope we can have that guy as our president some day!

But we don’t just find excellence in humans like the best governor in the nation.  We also find it in our animal friends.  And no, I’m not referring to Cassie the Wonder Dog and her much-deserved place in the Canine Hall of Fame.

I’m referring to the site of a Scottish shepherd, “Seanthesheepman,” which I recommend you all check out.  Regular readers will remember that one of the highlights of our trip to Scotland last summer was a highlands visit with a shepherd and his amazing border collies.  Sean is not the same guy we saw, but his site is great. 

It features his great Scottish accent, lovely highlands scenery, and a lot of cool Scottish sheep.  But the stars are the collies, and they are gorgeous and brilliant.  Some of my favorite videos feature a dog-cam – a camera mounted on the dog’s shoulder to give a dog’s eye view as he trots and sprints around the countryside. 

If I ever need a quick pick-me-up, there are several videos that will always do the trick.  There’s the edited coverage showing Hillary supporters going from ecstasy to agony on election night in 2016, and videos of great music, and ones showing servicemen and women homecomings, and surprise twin birth announcements.

But there’s nothing quite like watching a dedicated dog sitting stock-still on an ATV seat one second, and then on a signal, leaping off and tearing across a field in a graceful blur.  They’re obviously doing what God made them for and men trained them for, and I’m convinced that watching them is good for your spirit and your blood pressure. 

Have a great weekend everybody!  

Hamas delenda est!

Introducing New Column Features (posted 3/13/24)

As I was plowing through material these last several days, I’ve realized that I might want to institute a few specific, recurring features in my columns, because so many stories fit familiar patterns.  Here are a few categories I’m thinking about:

Schadenfreude Central – for stories in which bad actors receive their just desserts, to our delight

Stupid Criminal Stories – similar, but sometimes with tragedy mixed in

Unexpectedly! – for stories about the easily predictable outcome of a terrible leftist policy, reported by clueless dolts who were somehow shocked by that outcome.

Celebrations of Excellence – as an antidote to the many stories of incompetence and imbecility, I’ll highlight skilled, talented people doing great things, to help maintain our cautious optimism.

Not every story that catches my interest will fit one of those categories, of course.  And I’ll always have time for some interstitial mockery of various boneheads – Mexican president Al Sisi can see the pyramid where Imhotep Pelosi grew up from his office; Liz Warren is as white as the crowd at an ABBA cover band performance in Stockholm (#wemustneverstopmockingher), etc.

So here’s a first try.  I’d appreciate any feedback, and if you have suggestions for other categories, please share them.

Schadenfreude Central

If there’s one thing we all know about AOC – aside from the alleged juiciness of her booty, according to her – it’s that much like Wile E. Coyote, she is a super-genius.  In December of 2020, she shared some of her deep thoughts in an online post reacting to defund-the-police activists who had confronted politicians in public spaces:

“The whole point of protesting is to make people uncomfortable.” She argued that only by causing discomfort can activists get “traction,” saying, “To folks who complain [that] protest demands make others uncomfortable… that’s the point.”

Well, last weekend AOC was in a public space – going to a movie with her low-T boyfriend – when some obnoxious protestors started following her through a building and down a street.

They had cell phones out, and kept haranguing her.  “We love Hamas!  We insist that you call Israel’s self-defense a horrible genocidal war crime.  Call it genocide!  Say it!!”  (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)

AOC, because she always supports protest for social change, said, “Great job guys!  Thanks for speaking truth to power, because people like me need to be held accountable, even if it makes us uncomfortable.  I will happily parrot whatever you want me to say, and then pose for selfies with you.  Also, do you think these jeans make my booty look juicy?”  (I’m loosely paraphrasing.)

HA!  I kid.  What she actually did was yell, “You’re lying!” at them, and shake her finger in their faces.  She also complained that they were going to edit her response “totally out of context,” then said, “It’s f—ed up, man!  And you’re not helping these people!  You’re not helping them!!”

To a normal viewer, it almost appeared as if she doesn’t think obnoxious protestors have the right to make HER uncomfortable.

And I’ll admit it: the protestors were obnoxious.  The “male” was wearing a covid mask (in 2024!) and looked to be well into the second trimester, and the female had crazy eyes, and they both spouted the kind of aggressive pro-Hamas propaganda that invites a good face punching.

In other words, they’re AOC’s kind of people…as long as they’re harassing Republicans.  But like all socialists, she doesn’t like it when the proles turn on their betters.   

Did that make you uncomfortable, AOC? 

That’s the point.

Stupid Criminal Stories

Antoinette Baez worked for Safeway grocery stores in California for 22 years, but last year she got fired.  Guess why.

No, it wasn’t for shoplifting.  And it wasn’t for showing up late, or sleeping on the job, or wearing a MAGA hat.  And no, it wasn’t for pooping in the aisles.  (This is California we’re talking about, so that’s not as far-fetched a scenario as it might be in a sane state.)

She was fired because a lazy bum of a shoplifter tried to waltz out with several bags of groceries she didn’t pay for, and Antoinette grabbed one of the bags.  The shoplifter pushed and shoved her, but then gave up and left without stealing anything. 

Three days later, Safeway fired Baez.  Because they’ve got a policy that no employees can touch a shoplifter or pursue them to prevent their thieving, which they claimed Baez violated, even though she never touched the thief.  A judge has miraculously sided with Baez, and she won a judgment for her back pay, though they haven’t offered her her job back.

Her lawyer said, “Safeway’s a food bank for thieves.  The moral of the story is that it makes way more sense to steal from Safeway than to work for Safeway.”

Yep.  This is why you can’t have nice things, Californians.

And in this case, the stupid criminal isn’t the shoplifter, because she faced no consequences for her crime.  The stupid criminal is whoever is making corporate policy at Safeway.   They should be paying a civil penalty to Baez in her upcoming wrongful termination suit.

Hopefully before they go bankrupt for being criminally stupid.

Unexpectedly!

The leftist residents of Austin, TX voted to cut funding for their police department in 2020.  Annnnndddd….

“The city has been plagued by police staffing shortages and longer 911-call response times since.”

Unexpectedly!

The top cop in Austin reports that they’ve had two contracts fall through, they’ve lost more officers than they’ve hired for each of the last 6 years, and 40 officers filed retirement papers at the same time after the leftist city council “voted to scrap a 4-year contract that the city had already agreed to in principle.”

Residents have reported taking a Lyft to a hospital after a car wreck because nobody answered 911 calls, and the crime rate has gone way up.  Even after the state legislature forced Austin to restore police funding – proving that Texas is still a sane state, even if the idiots in Austin have lost their minds – the officer shortage persists.

It seems like in a town where residents dislike cops and don’t want to pay them, cops are reluctant to take a job there.

Unexpectedly!    

Celebration of Excellence

Normally I am annoyed by people with ridiculous names, just on general principle.  But I am happy to make an exception for Nayib Bukele. 

In fact, I put his name in an anagram maker, and found that those same letters spell “Beanie Bulky.”  And I know how to pronounce that, and it makes me laugh.  So with all due respect – but I really mean it this time! – I will refer to Bukele as Beanie Bulky from now on.   

When B-squared was elected President of El Salvador four years ago – an office that nobody would seek were their cojones not bulky (see what I did there?) – it was the most dangerous country in the western hemisphere.  He was elected specifically to crack down on the violent criminal gangs that had tormented and destabilized the country. 

And he actually did it.  Through a combination of tough crackdowns, limited negotiations with gang leaders, and canny moves to set gang members against their feckless leadership, Bulky has made El Salvadore the safest country in the Western hemisphere, and won re-election with over 90% of the vote last month. 

And that’s not a Saddam-esque “everyone voted for the dictator because they’d be killed if they didn’t” sham vote total.  The people recognize that BB has hammered the criminals and kept the citizens safe, and they rewarded him accordingly.

No one knows if this will last, or if the criminals who run so much of Central America will make a comeback.  But for now Bulky Bukele has provided an encouraging example for neighboring nations. 

The ACLU doesn’t approve of all of his methods (shocker!), and he’s walking a dangerous tightrope.  But when push comes to shove, his instinct has been to favor the rights of law-abiding citizens over those of the criminals who prey on them – unlike, for example, California or Austin.

And I’ll bet the new El Salvador model is looking pretty good to the beleaguered citizens of large parts of Third-World-adjacent blue cities like San Francisco, Chicago and New York.

So three cheers for Beanie Bulky and the long-suffering citizens of El Salvador!    

Hamas delenda est!

More SOTU Thoughts, Rare Good News out of Cali, & RuPaul Gets Schooled in Virtue Signaling (posted 3/11/24)

This might have to be a three-column week for me, because the pace of odd political stories is increasing.  So here goes.

Because I have a weak stomach, I limited my live exposure to Biden’s State of the Union speech, but I’ve read some more excerpts and coverage, and have a few more thoughts. 

To start, I don’t know why any Supreme Court justices still come to the SOTU.  Only six of the nine showed up this time, but that’s still six too many.   There may have been a reason for the highest court to be on hand for the SOTU back in the day, but ever since Obama lied about a recent ruling and insulted them to their faces in 2010, they should have all stopped attending.

When Biden brought up abortion, he addressed them directly, and – unexpectedly! – both angrily and incomprehensibly.  This is a transcript, which I only wish I were making up: “With all due respect, justices, women are not without electric–…electoral power, excuse me, without electoral or political power.  You’re about to realize zzhh ow mush (which I think was supposed to be “just how much”)…

I put the ellipses in at the end because it seems like Biden stopped there, and that’s not a grammatical end to a sentence.

I actually do like prefacing a statement with “with all due respect,” because what follows is inevitably never respectful.  Which makes the point pretty artfully: I’m going to treat this next point about someone with all the respect it is rightfully due, which is none at all.

I’m going to try to start working that phrase into my columns more often.

Biden used that phrase in his typically hostile way, but he showed that he doesn’t even know how to threaten correctly.  His point seemed to be that since women have so much electoral power, the justices will regret opposing them – even though judges are supposed to interpret the law, not react to political power – before he ends with what he wants to be an ominous warning about the electoral consequences of taking a supposedly unpopular position.  

Does he think SCOTUS judges are elected?  Because if so… yikes!

Thankfully, all of the justices gave him the stink eye – even the three far-left ones – and the awkwardness of insulting people who are restrained by decorum from punching back cannot have played well with anyone who’s not already a hateful far-left loon.

Especially since the Dems played to their stereotype throughout the night.  In a speech full of lies, they weren’t perturbed at all.  But the one time when Biden accidentally told the truth – calling Laken Riley’s murderer “an illegal” – they became outraged!

And then Biden, because his spine is made of melting ice cream, apologized for calling an illegal alien murderer “illegal.”

Also, is everybody else as confused as I am about his comments about “Lincoln” Riley? 

I don’t mean the part about how he couldn’t get her name right, even when he was surrounded by people with big buttons with her name on them.  

I mean what he said next: “But how many thousands of people being killed by illegals?” 

What?  That’s not a sentence, and it doesn’t make sense.

It could mean something like, “How about all the many others who are being killed by illegals? Why don’t we say their names?”  And if that’s what he meant, more power to him!  Let’s start publicizing the names and stories of ALL the innocent Americans robbed, raped or killed by the millions of unvetted illegals the left’s open border is responsible for.

Or it could mean, “There AREN’T thousands of others being killed by illegals.”  In which case, the entire sentient world cries, “Malarky!” And let’s loose the hounds of fact-checking. 

All that being said, I do see two positives that came out of the SOTU:

1. Biden missed a great chance to get his speech off on a good foot: a bunch of pro-Hamas protestors block his car on the way there and he didn’t run them over.  He should remember that at the end of your life (which for him came around 3 years ago), it’s not the things that you did that you regret, so much as the things you didn’t do. 

And he didn’t order his driver to run over those Hamas-holes.

That would have been such a win-win!  Every normal American would cheer as the hateful little narcissists went careening off (or under) the car. Plus, Biden couldn’t get in any trouble for any deaths or injuries, because his attorneys could use the precedent of the Hur defense: you can’t charge this guy, because he’s obviously out of his gourd!

2. The MSM and Dem hacks  (but I repeat myself) have been out touting his SOTU like crazy, pointing to a positive reaction to the speech in polls.  (Though as a columnist on RedState pointed out, it was the smallest positive rating of any SOTU since they started being rated.)  They’re able to do so because the bar had been set so low that Biden managed to trip and fall forward over the metaphorical sandbag of the super-low expectations.

Which is great for us, because as I’ve said before, our best hope is that Biden does just well enough to stay in the race, and not get swapped out for anyone with higher ratings than him.  (And there’s only one person in the solar system who is NOT in that category, and her name rhymes with Shamala Sharris.) 

On another topic, beleaguered California has at least gotten a little bit of good news this past week: two of the most egregious leftist pols in the country – and that is saying something – both lost primary contests this week.  Horrible whitey-hater Barbara Lee and staff-abusing dim bulb Katie Porter both went down to highly entertaining defeats on Tuesday.

Lee had left her long-time House seat to run for Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat.  You may remember Feinstein from the way she spent her last months on earth under her daughter’s conservatorship, because she was non compos mentis — and yet well enough to be a Democrat US Senator.

Great job, California voters! 

At 75, Lee was clearly too old to run again, and yet she did so anyway.

I’m sorry.  My crack staff is telling me that it’s not her age, but her IQ that is 75.  Sorry about that. 

Her age is 77.  So, yeah.  Too old to run for office.  (We’re making an exception for Trump, but only because he’s 27 years younger than his opponent.)

Katie Porter was running for the same Senate office.

You may remember her for sitting in front of a white board full of gibberish and speaking nonsense, or perhaps for abusing her staff the way Hillary did Bill, when behind closed doors and after the newest young secretary burst out of Bill’s office, running away at full speed and furiously rubbing her bottom.

Well, in a race in which the top two contenders go into a run-off, Babs Lee came in fourth, and Katie Porter came in third.  And in even better news, Republican Steve Garvey came in second.

The bad news is that he’s up against Adam Schiff, and it’s California.  So Pencil-Neck will almost certainly be the new Senator from CA, and Californians will continue to get what they’ve voted for, good and hard.    

Still, we need to take good news wherever we can find it in those big blue states, and at least we had the pleasure of watching two horrible leftists leave their House seats and then get humiliated in their attempt at the Senate.

Speaking of arrogant lefties getting what’s coming to them, even if you appreciate normalcy, you probably have heard of RuPaul, who is a famous drag queen.  You know, the same way Liz Warren is a famous drag Indian.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

On March 4th, RuPaul announced that he had launched an online bookstore called Allstora, which will NOT ban books, in protest against conservatives’ rabid desire to ban books.  Even though conservatives have not been trying to ban books, which would involve trying to stop a book from being published.

No, conservatives are just weirdos who don’t want taxpayer money being spent on gay – or straight! – porn for school libraries.  Unbelievably enough, they really don’t want their kids reading any books that include graphic details about how to sexually service creepy older people.

Even though, with all due respect, that describes the first several chapters of Que Mala’s political autobiography. 

Anyway, RuPaul tooted his own horn (and I don’t know gay slang, so if that’s a euphemism, I apologize) by saying that his fabulous new bookstore would be “a marketplace for all books and all stories.”    

Annnnndddd…  within one day of being opened, RuPaul’s bookstore started getting hit by an avalanche of protests and requests to “ban” books.  But break out your sad trombone – again, that sounds like it could be gay slang, so mea culpa? – because it turns out that all of those protests came from… wait for it… “progressive” book banners! 

Unexpectedly! 

And a few days later, RuPaul tucked his tail between his legs (sorry for that mental image) and caved, agreeing to put scary red warnings on books by conservatives, and even agreeing to remove some books by some firebrand conservatives such as Elon Musk. 

Who, as you might have noticed, is not even a conservative. 

So great job, self-styled “defenders of democratic values.”  You’ve made the point obviously clear: the intolerant people who want to dictate what others read are… leftists!

Hamas delenda est!

The SOTU Speech, & What We Should Do Between Now & November (posted 3/8/24)

Well, there’s an hour and twenty minutes that I’ll never get back.

Oh, who am I kidding?  I popped in and out of the SOTU for maybe a total of 10 minutes, my rule being that as soon as my gag reflex threatened to kick in and offload some of the bourbon (mmmm, brownest of the brown liquors) that I had been consuming – as fragments I have shored against my ruin – I tuned out until the urge to purge receded.   

(That’s right, trenchant references to Lionel Hutz and T.S. Eliot in the same sentence!  Suck it, other columnists who dare not attempt such a rhetorical stretch!) 

While I’m tooting my own horn, I posted a column on Wednesday featuring my imagining of Joe Biden preparing for a speaking engagement.  If you haven’t seen it, scroll back to Wednesday afternoon’s posts, and give it a quick read.  I’ll wait….

I know: it wasn’t super-hard to predict, but did I nail it or what?  The confusion, the slurring, the physical stiffness.  The ridiculous shrinkflation issue.  And I knew he’d be screwing up names – I had him calling Rocky Balboa “Rocky Road” and the Cookie Monster the “Cake Moose” – but I didn’t get the square on the Biden Bingo card for “Lincoln Riley.”

(Which is pretty funny.  One Republican whips the Dems and frees their slaves 160 years ago, and he’s still living in their heads rent-free!)

If I missed anything, it was by under-estimating the amount of sustained anger Biden was capable of; I expected a few bursts of “get off my lawn,” quickly trailing off into Cocaine Mitch-esque short-duration catatonia. 

But whatever drug cocktail they’re giving Brandon to keep him upright for 81 consecutive minutes must be some strong stuff.  So good for him.

I mentioned several years ago that I’d prefer that we get rid of the SOTU entirely.  It’s always an insufferable cavalcade of imbecility and phoniness: a laundry list of your stuff (which is all great!) and the other party’s stuff (they’re wrong about everything!), followed by ridiculous promises that no one thinks that you’ll keep. 

And ooh, there’s a couple of guys/gals/children/oldsters in the crowd whom I’d like to use as political props!  I’ll point to them and ask them to stand up, unless they’re in a wheelchair or paralyzed as a result of one of the other party’s stupid and destructive policies.  Then I’ll scold the other side for paralyzing their sorry arses.

Bah! 

As in most things, we should handle the SOTU the way the Founders did: write your message in a short document – we’ve bought a new batch of muskets, we’re accepting bids to build a few federal buildings, there’s a boll weevil problem in Mississippi, but the sorghum crop is coming along nicely – hand it to a guy on a horse, and slap the horse’s rear end to send him off to carry it to be read in the House.

Beyond that, I didn’t find a lot worth commenting on.  Of course Biden lied and dissembled and argued in bad faith, as I think most people expected him to.  I don’t think that anything he said will be remembered for long, as much as his affect, which was 100% angry old man. 

In that sense, it reminded me a lot of his Reichstag speech in September of 2022, minus the ominous red lighting and the two Marines flanking him, wishing they didn’t have to be there.

I don’t know how that behavior is not a huge political mistake for Biden.  His poll numbers are bad, and his best asset is Trump’s high negatives among independents and moderates.  So he should be trying to go all kinder and friendlier, to draw the moderates to him.   To the extent that he attacks Trump, his tone should be more in sorrow than in anger.

Instead, he’s scolding the nation, calling everybody who has ever considered voting for Trump unpatriotic fascist deplorables.  And he’s shaking his bony fist and hollering like Grandpa Simpson.  “In my day, we got 20 hectares to the hogshead, and that was good enough for us!  Also, we really fixed the Kaiser’s wagon!  No joke!”

If I had the Trump team’s ear, I would say that in the wake of this speech, I think we should do 4 things:

1. Set up a website with a daily updated count of crimes committed and costs imposed by illegals.  (Make it like the debt clock that some pols used to put up, when they pretended that either they or we were troubled by our rising national debt.)  

Keep a tally of the total number of crimes, along with highlighting the worst of the worst.   Also give numbers on how much we’ve been spending on their schooling, healthcare, prison, welfare benefits, etc.

We’d have to handle it carefully, with many statements about “not all illegals” (aggravating as those are), because we alienate winnable voters if we attack all immigrants, or defuse the blame and take it off the open border policies that are causing all this chaos. 

2. Try to get Trump to take as low a profile as possible, and keep the spotlight on Biden and his policies.

3. Focus on get-out-the-vote efforts, and stop telling people to NOT vote by mail and/or early!  (Dammit!) The Dems are great at that, and they will be again, and if we don’t fight fire with fire, we are going to under-perform in November.

4. Start preparing for Biden’s replacement nominee, because I’m increasingly certain that he will not be the nominee in November.  His poll numbers are too low already, and they’ve got nowhere to go but stagnant or down.  And his physical and mental deterioration are too obvious to be hidden, even by the dedicated gaslighting asshats – or yes, asslighting gas hats – in the MSM and Democrat party. 

The national Dem coven – er, brain trust – can see this just as well as we can.  If you and I are getting more confident that if Trump can manage to even minimally control himself, he’ll win against Biden in November, the Dems know that too.

So they’re going to switch him out, most likely in the summer or at the convention in August. And when that happens, Trump instantly goes from being the younger guy with the lower negatives in the race to the old guy with the highest negatives. 

Therefore, our best course is to keep hitting not only Biden, but the entire far-left Democrat establishment and their terrible policies.  (“It’s not just Biden’s open border, it’s the Dems’ open border; it’s not just Bidenflation and Bidenomics, it’s the economic results of Dem policies.”)

That way, when the Dems swap Biden out, we won’t be totally wrong-footed.  We can just slam the desperate, unprecedented, flop-sweat-infused decision to switch candidates at the 11th hour – and also slam the racist and sexist Dem party for pushing Que Mala aside too! – and quickly pivot to targeting the entire Dem party:

“Changing the frontman for your horrific policies won’t make any difference in the outcome.  Ken Doll Newsom is just Biden with a pulse.”  Or “Big Mike Obama is just Biden with linebacker shoulders.” Or “Hillary Clinton is just Biden with cankles and a terminal case of Resting Beeyotch Face.”

Etc.    

There you have it.  Please print this column out, hand it to a mounted GOP party official, and tell him to get it to Mar-A-Lago, stat.  Then slap the rear end of his horse to get him started.

But first, look carefully to be sure that no Dem congresswomen are around.  Because if the horse’s flanks look too juicy (not my words)… that might not be a horse.     

Finally, in my Wednesday column I suggested a Secret Service code name for Biden (“Flat Line”), because I often amuse myself by thinking up code names for various administration figures. For example:

Que Mala: “Word Salad”

Jill Biden: “Juco”

Liz Warren: “Edgar Winter”  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Janet Yellen: “Keebler”

Merrick Garland: “Bullet Dodged”

So as we move into the weekend, let me invite all of you in CO Nation to share your secret service code names for prominent Dems, or Republicans, for that matter.

Hamas delenda est!

Some Weird Stories, + A Weird Naming Challenge (posted 3/4/24)

First up this week, one of my favorite elected conservatives of the last several years is Virginia Lt. Governor Winsome Sears, and I like her for many reasons, some more trivial than others.

On the trivial side, I love the name “Winsome.”  It’s an old-fashioned word – it means “attractive or appealing in appearance or character” – and it fits her very well.  It reminds me of the old Puritan practice of giving their kids “grace names” that indicated virtues they hoped the child would display.  Old fashioned examples include Prudence, Charity or Temperance, but a few survive today, including Faith and Hope.

(My wife and I chose “Emily Grace” for our second daughter’s name, and I’m glad to say that today, on her 22nd birthday, she has not made that middle name sound ironic!) 

Sidebar: I just looked up some examples of eccentric Puritan names, and came across this example that I feel compelled to share with you: “Praise-God Barebone, a lay preacher who became a member of Oliver Cromwell’s last Parliament in 1653, named his son “If-Jesus-Christ-Had-Not-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned.” 

Try writing that on a check!  The writer of the article followed that strange name by observing, “He went by ‘Nicholas.’” 

I’ll bet he did.

On the more serious side, Sears also joined the Marines, and I’m very thankful that she is providing a much-needed example of a high-profile black woman who is smart and dignified, and is worthy of the influential job she has. 

Unlike Fraudulent Fani Willis, dim-bulb anti-Semite Claudine Gay, Jussie Smollett-protector Kim Foxx, or disgraceful hack Letitia James, to name just a few.

Well, there’s now one more reason to admire Sears.  Because she made an honest mistake in a legislative session last week, and then gave the most aggressive “apology” ever for it. 

It happened when Sears was presiding over the legislature, and a sexually confused male senator who calls himself “Danica” asked a routine point-of-order kind of question.  In the process of answering it, while looking through some papers and after calling him “senator” twice, Sears said, “Yes sir,” and then confirmed the answer. 

Now to be fair to Sears, “Danica” is about as feminine as an enlarged prostate, and asked his question in a voice you might hear coming from a barrel-chested high school football coach with a buzz cut urging his d-line to give 110% in the game on Friday night. 

But no matter.  Because upon hearing that, “Danica” flounced out of the room in a huff, and pouted out in the hallway, causing several recess breaks in the proceedings.

Hey, credit where credit is due: that was the most authentically female reaction from a trans dude that I’ve ever seen.

A sexist would say!  I kid because I love!

Anyway, Sears gave an aggressive quasi-apology, which boiled down to, “You know that I didn’t mean to hurt your little feelings, so why don’t we all grow up and get back to business.”   

Still, I don’t like the idea of apologizing at all when you’ve done nothing wrong, a judgement that was immediately confirmed when a bunch of whiny Dems stomped their feet and insisted that such a horrible act can never be forgiven.

If I were advising Sears, I’d tell her to take the podium again and say this: “Since I’ve learned that using traditional English pronouns might cause some fragile House members to have a panic attack, I’ve decided that from now on, I’m just going to point at anyone with a question and describe him or her so that there’s no confusion.”

Then I’d tell her to point to “Danica” and say, “You there, with the linebacker shoulders and the five o’clock shadow in the blue Donna Karan dress, what’s your question?” 

Speaking of sexually confused obnoxious people, Scotland – the land of some of my ancestors – has really dropped the ball (so to speak) on treating sexually confused criminals appropriately.  Which I learned by reading about the case of Andrew Burns, a “notorious prisoner” with “a reputation as one of the UK’s most violent inmates.”

Well Andy is going by the name “Tiffany Scott” these days, and he was going to be transferred to a women’s prison last year, before that was put on hold in the wake of the Isla Bryson scandal.  Which you and I have never heard of.

So I did a little research, and discovered that “Isla” is another dude, and a serial rapist, and he was temporarily housed in a women’s prison, until sane Scots got wind of it and objected.

Still, the Scottish justice system and media seemed determined to cater to Andy/Tiffany’s ridiculous delusions.  They called him “she” and “they” in reporting, and referred to him as “Tiffany Scott” rather than his real name.  After being imprisoned for a long series of violent crimes, prison officials agreed to his demand to be called “Mr. Mighty Almighty.”

Then when he claimed to be transgender so that he could be moved to the victim-rich environment of a women’s prison, the prison bosses took his claim seriously, and started calling him “Tiffany.”

Good lord, man!  You guys used to be a bunch of haggis-eating bad-asses!  You were so tough that the Romans built Hadrian’s Wall and then stayed on their side of it!  You’ve gone from William Wallace (Freedom!!) to Dylan Mulvaney. 

Fortunately, there’s a happy ending to this depressing story, because “Tiffany” died last Thursday, before ever getting into a gals’ prison.  No cause has been released yet, but since he was only 32, I’m going to guess suicide. 

But if his cause of death is determined to be ovarian cancer, I will never stop laughing!  And I will take back everything I’ve ever said about transgender dudes.

Speaking of happy endings, new media reports on Saturday claim that CNN is “on the verge of an epic collapse,” with the “struggling network desperately trying to get out of its death spiral,” beginning with huge pay cuts to its “big name” anchors as their current contracts end this year.

If the report is right, Jake Tapper and Chris Wallace are both getting $8 million per year, Wolf Blitzer is getting $15 million, and Anderson Cooper is hauling down $20 mil! 

With the network getting its lowest-ever ratings, the good news is that those contracts don’t end until after the November election.  So we’re going to have those hacks to kick around for that long at least, with the extra satisfaction of knowing that their audience is so small that their propaganda is going virtually unseen! 

In one last refreshing bit of news, even far-left NYT writer Nicholas Kristoff has admitted on MSNBC that if we air-drop food aid into Gaza, Hamas is just going to steal it.  As part of his commentary, he also said that Israel has stopped the corrupt EU-weenies in UNRWA from controlling food aid delivery because it turns out that at least 12 members of that motley anti-Semitic crew actually participated in the genocidal attacks on October 7th!

One of the most frustrating things about watching the blatantly biased, anti-Semitic MSM coverage of the Hamas war is the obscene moral equivalence they try to apply to Hamas and Israel. There are tons of examples that give the lie to that idea:

There is no Jewish equivalent to Hamas’ barbarity.  No IDF troops have intentionally targeted civilians; no Jewish troops have gang-raped and tortured Palestinian women; no Jewish troops have taken a single Palestinian hostage; no huge street mobs of Jews have celebrated the deaths of civilians by defiling the corpses of raped Muslim women paraded through Jewish cities.

And while malicious lefties have screamed the genocidal “from the river to the sea” chant ad nauseum and all throughout our colleges and all over the world, you’ve never heard a single crowd of Jewish supporters chanting, “All throughout Judea and Samaria, all Muslims should die of malaria!” 

But I don’t want to close this column complaining about our egregiously biased media.  Instead, since my research on Puritan hortatory naming practices has inspired me, let me close with a challenge to Cautious Optimism readers:

In your comments to this column, post your own attempts to preserve that naming tradition by giving Puritan names to our current political leaders. 

To start you off, here are a few examples:

Senator “Her-Skin-is-White-as-Snow” Warren (#verilymustweneverstopmockingher)

Vice President “Oh-God-Why-Hast-Thou-Forsaken-Us” Harris

President “He-Knows-Not-What-He-Does” Biden

or

President “Yea-Thou-He-Walketh-In-The-Valley-of-the-Shadow-of—Watch-Out-For-That-Sandbag!” Biden.

Let’s see what you’ve got, CO Nation!

Also…

Hamas delenda est!

Requiem for a Hooters, & Other Ridiculous Stories (posted 3/1/24)

Sure, our country has problems.  Our president is a barely animated cadaver who maintains what little life-force he has through consuming an all-ice-cream diet and sniffing the hair of young girls.  And our vice president is somehow worse than that guy.

Our borders are open, inflation is running rampant, crime is skyrocketing, and the View is still on the air.   Too many of our young females are trying to turn themselves into males, and too many of our young males are playing soccer. 

And one of our senators pretends to be an Indian, even though she’s as white as a curling competition in Reykjavik.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Yet amidst all that anarchy, there is still hope.  Because some Americans still have their priorities straight. 

For example, hundreds of people gathered yesterday in Charleston, West Virginia to hold a candlelight vigil for a good cause: “To honor a Hooters location that was being demolished to make way for a gas station.”

As I understand it, Hooters is a restaurant chain featuring attractive young waitresses in tight orange uniforms. I can’t say that for sure, because as regular readers may remember, I met my wife in August of 1986, and from that day forward, all other women have become invisible to me.

But I have it on good authority from a friend that AOC could likely get a waitress job there, due to the alleged juiciness of her booty (her words, not my friend’s or mine).  Which would be a win-win, since she would then be running around in orange shorts screwing up drink orders and embarrassing only herself, rather than sitting in our legislature and embarrassing all of us.

Anyway, the Hooters vigil was said to have started as a joke among friends that took off on social media, eventually drawing visitors from several states away.  And some may object that it is a frivolous protest.

But I’d point out that in the very recent past we’ve had hundreds of protests nationwide, most of them for much worse causes, and by much worse people.  Many hordes of peaceful rioters have attacked courthouses and police stations, and burned down entire city blocks. 

Anti-Semitic freaks have stopped speeches on college campuses and besieged Jewish student groups in campus buildings.  A bunch of pro-Hamas Harvard students went on a hunger strike for a whole 12 hours on February 12th.  (I’m not making that up.) 

Morons all over the country routinely sit down in front of cars to tie up traffic for one idiotic cause or another, and many thousands of drivers tragically don’t run over them!

Even here in my free state, yesterday around 100 angry, sexually confused protestors marched around my town and expressed their outrage at legislation that would require FL driver’s license and identification cards to reflect a person’s actual sex.  They carried a giant banner proclaiming, “Let us Live.” 

Which I guess makes sense, since as everybody knows, the leading cause of death for people under 30 is carrying a driver’s license with your actual gender on it. 

So yeah, in the context of those protests, respectfully eulogizing the passing of a Hooters looks like the Boston Tea Party by comparison.

But you don’t have to take my word for it.  Not when you’ve got event co-organizer (and great American) Leo Browning to explain: “For all the naysayers, the doubters, the down-talkers and whatnot.  This building right here was a legitimate iconic figure to the Kanawha Valley.” 

Just in case any of you are still doubtful – and seriously, what’s wrong with you? – the event was also a fundraiser for “a child who allegedly has a very rare disease.” 

Once again, I give you Leo Browning: “One of our close friend’s daughters, she was just diagnosed with a very, very rare disease, and it’s very serious.  If she don’t get help, then she’s not going to be with us much longer.”

“But Leo,” you might ask, if you’re among the naysayers and whatnot, “what disease is it?  And what’s the girl’s name, and what kind of treatment does she need, and how much will it cost?”

I think I can speak for Leo when I say that that sounds like a bunch of doubting and down-talking to me, so mind your business.  

But that story isn’t even in the top 3 most ridiculous stories of the last week.  I’d rank those as follows:

1. Alvin “soft on crime” Bragg, the Manhattan DA and national embarrassment, is outraged because AZ prosecutor Rachel Mitchell has not agreed to extradite a murderer from NY who fled to AZ and was captured there.  Mitchell would rather hold the killer there with no bail, rather than send him back to Bragg, who has a habit of letting killers out immediately, with little or no bail.

Bragg said, and I swear I am not making this up, that Mitchell was engaging in “grandstanding… plain and simple, old fashioned grandstanding and politics.  That should have no place in our profession.” 

Bragg is also the guy who is trying to prosecute Trump for the non-crime of paying off a porn star, and then trying to elevate that to a felony because he says that it was done to cover up a second crime.  Except that his charging documents didn’t say what that second crime was, which drew attacks even from leftist Trump haters.

But if there’s one thing that sticks in Bragg’s craw, it’s old fashioned grandstanding and politics!

2.  The leftist hacks at Google spent a quadrillion dollars on coming up with an AI program that spent 20 minutes on the market before being deluged in a flood of mockery when it turned out that it would not produce an image of a white person, no matter what a customer asked for.

People asked for an image of a pope and got an Indian lady and a black guy.  A “Founding Father?”  Black guy in a powdered wig.  An Indy 500 winning driver from the 1930s?  Black gal in a racing suit.

It was so bad that a request for an image of a Viking produced an Asian woman and a black guy wearing furs and armor.  Because you remember all of those history shows about Genghis Thorson and Attila the Swede. 

3.  A dope at CNN explained that Christian Nationalists – who she insisted are very different from Christians, though she didn’t explain how – are dangerous, creepy and delusional in part because – get this! – they believe that our rights don’t come from Chuck Schumer or Cocaine Mitch McConnell, but from God. 

No one at CNN knows any better, so the segment went fine.  But that night, conservatives bombarded her with emails quoting the first sentence of the preamble to the Declaration of Independence.

She got as far as “endowed by their Creator…” before she dropped everything, googled “Declaration of Independence,” and then read on, in growing horror.

Wait until she googles “Founding Fathers” and finds out that they weren’t a bunch of transgender black vegans in powdered wigs and old-timey clothes!

Let me close with a couple of more schadenfreude stories.

First, the Disney corporation, currently 0-15 against DeSantis and the conservatives of America, have racked up another “L.”  Because another top Disney exec is out of a job. 

This time it’s Sean Bailey – not be to be confused with George Bailey, who actually enjoyed movies (famously hollering, “Merry Christmas, movie house!”) – who was shown the door at the Mouse House (correction: Mao’s House) this week.

He was the big brain in charge of all of the live action re-makes (that you didn’t see) of old Disney movies.  Because Disney’s only new ideas in the last 15 years have been to push “a not-so-secret gay agenda,” attack Ron DeSantis, and re-fashion Snow White into “Snow Brown and the 7 Racial Grievances.”   

Wooh. Let me catch my breath.  Between the laughing, and the going around the Cape of Good Hope to stretch for that “It’s a Wonderful Life” joke, I’m gassed. 

Coincidentally, Disney CEO Bob Iger is facing a serious takeover attempt, and has sold off around 80% of his Disney stock over the last year.  Next up: he’ll re-retire to “spend more time with family.”  

Finally, a couple of columns ago I mentioned Rob “Meathead” Reiner’s incredible theological insights (synopsis: Marx is the lord your god, and you shall have no other gods before him).  His “documentary” (and never were scare quotes more justified) “God and Country” was released a couple of weeks ago.

Well, despite getting a ton of super-positive reviews from every leftist media outlet in sight, and “an avalanche” of free publicity before it opened, and 100% positive reviews from viewers on Rotten Tomatoes, it opened to a dismal $38,000!

Unexpectedly!

For comparison, that’s about the amount one man (his name rhymes with Schmunter Hiden) spends on an average weekend of partying, including the cost of the hotel room, the cocaine that he snorts off the rear ends of various hookers, and the costs of the aforementioned rear-end-rental!

So how did it manage to get so many positive Rotten Tomatoes reviews? 

I didn’t say that there were a lot of reviews, only that they were ALL positive.

Or, in this case, BOTH of them were positive.

That’s right.  According to a RedState story dated 2/28, two people paid to see Meathead’s magnum dope-us (you see what I did there?), and then wrote one rave review each.

The only thing that could make that outcome funnier would be if the studio that financed and released that disaster were Disney!

Have a great weekend, everybody.  And don’t forget…

Hamas delenda est!

Schadenfreude Stories of the Week (posted 2/26/24)

Today I’ve got a lot of feel-good stories of leftists receiving their just desserts, but I want to start with a case study of how putting on ideological blinders can make you stupid.   It involves Bill Maher. 

If you’ve seen his HBO show or stand-up specials, you know that Maher can be an obnoxious and condescending leftist.  But he’s also a smart guy who often sees through woke idiocy and calls it out, willingly taking criticism for doing so.  His old show Politically Incorrect (1993-2002) often lived up to its name, when it wasn’t (ironically) being politically correct.

But even though I think he’s earned the incredibly rare description of “intermittently insightful leftist,” his politics cause him to have some shocking blind spots.  A while ago, for example, Dave Rubin was his guest when Maher was berating Trump for being an “election denier.”

When Rubin pointed out that Cankles Clinton had spent much of Trump’s term blaming various conspiracies for her loss and calling Trump an “illegitimate president,” Maher was shocked at the idea, and blatantly denied that she’d ever said that.  

How can you explain such a ridiculous statement from someone who has made his living by being hyper-aware of political bias, other than to call it an act of self-inflicted ignorance?

Last week he did it again.  He had Ann Colter on, and he started a discussion of the shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs’ parade by saying, “We don’t know who did this shooting, by the way.”

Colter drily said, “We have some idea.” Maher said, “What?” and she said, “If it were a white man shooting, we’d know.”

Maher insisted, “We don’t know,” and when Colter gave recent examples of non-white shooters being underplayed, Maher was incredulous.  “You think they’re repressing that reporting?”

After a little more back and forth, Colter confidently said, “The longer they go without telling you, it’s not a white male.”

Maher responded by rolling his eyes and sarcastically saying, “We don’t know… [but] you know, because you have special powers.”

Annnnddddd… it turns out (after several more days of MSM obfuscation) that the shooters are black.

Unexpectedly!

If I’m reading Maher correctly, I think he could actually pass a lie detector test on that question: he authentically seems to be unaware of the obvious and consistent bias in virtually all MSM reporting on race, and especially on crime!

How can that be?  One of the oldest political jokes I know has to do with a typical MSM headline announcing an imminent extinction-level event: “World Ends Tomorrow: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit.”

Similarly, every crime story either becomes the object of obsessive focus and exaggeration or is ignored, depending on the race or politics of the perps and victims.  Jussie Smollett’s risible hoax about Trump fans in Chicago nearly lynching him is the biggest story in the country… until the truth becomes clear, and the media slinks away.

Violent thugs like Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin and George Floyd die in the process of committing more crimes, and they are transfigured from recidivist criminals into saints and martyrs. 

Meanwhile white kids like the Covington Catholic schoolboys are confronted at the Lincoln Memorial by an aggressive American Indian weirdo (rumors that he is Liz Warren’s brother have not been confirmed, but still, #wemustneverstopmockingher), and they stay calm. So the media smear them as entitled white aggressors harassing a morally pure “person of color.”

Or how about Kyle Rittenhouse, the racist vigilante who went on a killing spree against innocent black civil rights protestors?  Except that he’s not racist, and not a vigilante, and the guys he shot were all white sex offenders who attacked him, and deserved every bullet he fired in self-defense.   

I could go on and on, but I don’t have to, because we all know the truth.

Except for Bill Maher, apparently. 

It’s really depressing to recognize how many of our fellow citizens – and voters! – really believe the propaganda the media has been feeding them.  But it’s especially so when a guy as smart as Maher, and who has a high profile job that entails obsessively following national politics, is totally blind to the most basic realities of American politics in 2024!

Ugh.  Enough with the bring-down stories.  Let’s take a quick look at a few stories of lefty follies from the past week.

First up is our Cadaver in Chief.  How bad has it gotten for Dems trying to find something positive to say about Joe Biden’s campaign?

This bad:  When Biden was doing a photo op at a Mexican restaurant in Cali, several people inexplicably wanted to take a selfie with him.  (My guess?  They were each hoping to get the last pic with a US president before he died, the creepy vultures.)

As he was posing, he pushed a button on a customer’s phone to switch it to selfie mode.  And the Biden campaign actually put this out as part of a statement: The customer was “surprised POTUS knew how to do that.” To which the Corn Pop Slayer responded, “After the last guy, the bar’s on the floor.”

I know: the campaign considered that shot at Trump a shining example of witty repartee.  But they buried the lede by sliding right past the telling, hilarious detail:  This is what it’s come to! When Joey gaffes manages to press the right button on a cell phone, a potential voter was surprised he could pull that off!

Look for the following puff-piece stories in coming days:

  • Voter in a public bathroom when Biden came in reports that Biden was able to use the urinal correctly.  Voter shocked! 
  • During a photo op at Denny’s, Biden ordered something close enough to barely be recognized as a “Grand Slam Breakfast.”  Waitress flabbergasted!
  • Physician arrived at the White House in the morning to do a routine check of Biden’s vital signs, discovered that Biden had continued to carry out such autonomic functions as respiration and a semi-steady heartbeat overnight.  Doctor stunned!

That’s our president, people.

Meanwhile, lefty media outlets continue to get blasted like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth in Godfather I.

I’ve already laughed about the closure of Jezebel and the Messenger, the firings of Brian Stelter, Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon, and the job cuts at the LA Times, WAPO and CNN.  Now we can add Vice Media to the list.

Vice was valued at almost $6 billion in 2017 – I’m assuming by socialist accountants who dusted their peyote with crystal meth whenever they did an audit – before they filed for bankruptcy and were sold last year for $350 million. 

Now reports say that they’re trying to sell off a publishing business and fighting rumors that their entire site might disappear because they’re struggling to pay their monthly server bills.

Who would have thought that being dishonest partisan hacks and smearing half the country for years on end would end in tears?

Speaking of which, BuzzFeed is another media outlet that has been diligently searching for the alchemical recipe for turning malicious, dishonest socialism into profits.  It bought an entertainment media brand called Complex for $300 million shortly before going public in December of 2021, and for the next year, its stock price hovered around $10 a share. 

Its recent price is $21 dollars per share, which I would think is a good indicator of—

No, wait.  I misread that.  That’s supposed to be $.21 per share.  As in 21 cents. 

As in, you’re in the drive-through at McDonalds and they ask if you’d like to supersize your fries, and you say, “Yes, but I don’t have any more cash on me.  Would you take three shares of BuzzFeed stock to make that a large fry?”

And the teenager in the paper hat would say, “No.”

So BuzzFeed announced more layoffs, and it just sold Complex for $108 million.

Now I’m just a simple country English professor, so I don’t claim to understand the complex world of high finance.  But if our resident big financial brains – CO and Chris Silber – could help me out here…

Isn’t buying an asset for $300 million, and then selling it a few years late for $108 million what you’d call “buying high and selling low?”

And that’s not a good thing, right? 

It’s not just behind-the-scenes lefty media types who are getting hit with the reality stick.  Unfunny comedian Jimmy Kimmel has announced that he’ll likely be retiring at the end of his current contract. 

I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that his ratings (and those of lefty scolds Colbert and the Daily Show et al) have crumbled, and ads on his show are bringing in 41% less than they were doing 4 years ago. 

Maybe I was a little hasty in calling Kimmel “unfunny.”  Because THAT is hilarious!

Finally, there are also some positive signs coming out of Gaza, where a Palestinian official is claiming that, “Hamas’ leadership is planning to remain in the besieged Gaza Strip and carry on their fight against Israel to the end.”

Sources suggest that three top Hamas leaders – one Mohammed (Deif), one Marwan (Issa), and top dog Yahya Sinwar, whom I am calling “Yahoo Serious” (look him up), because his name is equally stupid, and it amuses me – are all still in a part of Gaza that the IDF has not yet invaded. 

They are supposedly determined to stay there and fight to the death.

Which means that this situation presents the terrorists and the good guys with a rare opportunity for bipartisanship.  Since they want to die fighting, and we want them dead, this sounds like a win-win to me. 

So here’s hoping those three stooges have the life expectancy of BuzzFeed, Vice Media, and Joe Biden.  

Because as always…

Hamas delenda est!

Lawfare Is Looking Shaky, & Some Military Bad-Arsery (posted 2/23/24)

I know that the worst of the elite left is cheering that the corrupt NY judge and evil Letitia DeVille have run their banana republic lawsuit scam on Trump, and he’s now on the hook for almost half a billion dollars to get it eventually overturned. 

I’m so outraged and disgusted by that sham trial – and the other three! – that I can’t think straight, and I can’t add anything to the story that others here have not already said.

Except that I hope that the huge middle of the electorate – the independents, the casual and semi-apathetic voters, the RINOs and the mushy centrists – is paying enough attention and is sane enough to recognize the blatant corruption of the Dems, and punish them for it in November.

In the meantime, I wish that I had Trump’s ear, so that I could encourage him to stay focused on the important stuff.  He’s already got us in the conservative base with him, and he’s got a slight lead in the polls.  He just needs to remember the old political cliché: “When your opponent is decomposing before our eyes, stay out of the way.”

(I’ve paraphrased that slightly.)

For example, when the Hur report came out last week and Biden decided to stumble out and prove that he is tickety boo, mental-function-wise, he made things infinitely worse.  He yelled at the clouds, insisted that of course he knows what year his son what’s-his-name died, and bragged about how he got the president of Mexico to open the Panama Canal so the Gazanians could go see the pyramids. 

For the next 24 hours, the lefty establishment went to Defcon 4, insisting that the Hur report didn’t say what it said, and you didn’t see what you just saw.  

A flop-sweating lineup of MSM empty heads and Democrat hacks mumbled that sure, when he’s on camera Biden’s got the gait and demeanor of Bela Lugosi on horse tranquilizers, and he speaks like Ozzy Osbourne after a Fetterman-esque stroke.   

But behind closed doors, the guy cavorts around the Oval like Fred Astaire at the height of his powers!  When he talks foreign policy, it’s like Benjamin Disraeli and Metternich had a baby.  And his enunciation!  You remember when Professor Henry Higgins was trying to teach diction to Eliza Doolittle?

It’s like that!  Biden is at the top of his game, we tells ya!  He stands astride the world like a modern colossus!   

Trump should have pulled a giant, gilded throne up next to that media dumpster fire and roasted marshmallows over it, wearing a big Cheshire cat grin and saying nothing.

Instead, he got in front of a camera and said that he told our NATO allies that if they didn’t pay for their own defense, he’d tell Putin to do whatever he wanted to them.  Then he insinuated that Nikki Haley’s husband may have left her, saying, “Where’s her husband?  Where is he?”

Why?!

It doesn’t matter that he’s right about NATO’s recent under-funding of their own defense.  Many dumb and uninformed people think Trump is too friendly with Putin.  Of course, they’re wrong!  But is it helpful to say that?

And spoiler alert: Haley’s husband is in the Army National Guard, and is deployed overseas.  Which is irrelevant anyway, because you’re beating her by 30 points in her home state, and she’ll soon be out of the race.  There is no reason you should even say her name again.

Especially since Biden is out there throwing up on his shoes three times a week, and the media is dying to cover ANY story other than that!   

Please, Mr. President.  Don’t give them any other stories.  We all know that they hate your guts. Don’t make their job easier!      

Now onto happier news.  And there really is some.

We seem to be turning the corner on the recent trans madness, with more and more pushback against the groomers and narcissistic activists.  The first of what will surely be a tidal wave of lawsuits have been filed against docs and hospitals that have done mutilating and sterilizing surgeries on kids who later realize what was done to them.

And if common sense and the Hippocratic oath hasn’t stopped the butchers yet, gigantic financial judgments against them will likely do the trick.

Even though our borders are still disastrously open, the decisions by Abbott and DeSantis to send the illegals to big blue cities and states is causing just the opening battles of blue-on-blue warfare that is going to be schadenfreude-tastic to watch.  And if we can get Trump back in the White House, he’ll have a lot of support to reverse course immediately.

In fact, when it comes to fighting illegal immigration, City Journal (which I recommend to everyone) had a recent article proving how laughably wrong the leftist Cassandras were when they attacked DeSantis’ tougher immigration law SB 1718, which took effect last July. 

The law invalidated driver’s licenses given to illegals by blue states, required hospitals to quantify uncompensated care given to illegals, and forced employers to use E-verify to check new hires’ legal status. 

Of course the lefties tore their garments and gnashed their teeth, predicting that Florida’s workforce would plummet by at least 10%, and the economy would crater.  The state Dem party chair warned that, “Ron’s ‘woke’ war will cause prices to increase on all goods and services,” and other hysterics wailed about the inflation that was sure to follow. 

Annnnddddd… the opposite happened.  Unexpectedly!

Florida’s economy grew by 6 % in the third quarter, the population growth since then was 2nd in the nation, and food shortages and inflation never materialized.

I mean, other than the commonplace nationwide inflation caused by…Bidenomics!

You might think that birthday boy CO and I, as two of the state’s most influential citizens, spend a lot of time conferring on such economic issues, perhaps over expensive cigars and Kentucky’s finest bourbon. 

But you’d be wrong.  Because CO sent me a text last week, and it was about something far, far cooler: the recent hellfire missile strike that our military used to take out a smelly terrorist chieftain in Iraq earlier this month. 

Did I mention that the missile in question was one that used six gigantic flying blades rather than the usual explosives, and that it is called “the flying ginsu”?!  (I know: how can a country capable of that kind of awesomeness be losing a shipping war to a ragtag bunch of Houthi pirates?)

(You know the reason: Bidenomics!)

So the Iran-backed leader of Kataib Hezbollah, Abu Baqr as-Saadi, was riding in a car when a missile dropped onto his car, with the aforementioned flying blades being released right before impact.  Thus turning his car into a convertible, right before turning as-Saadi into “a-Salad”.

Yes!  The Flying Ginsu!  It slices, it dices, it circumsizes and it beheads!

More please.

Finally, you probably haven’t heard about this, but a great American died at the age of 74 on February 12th.

His name was Chuck Mawhinney, and he was the deadliest Marine sniper in Corps history, with 103 confirmed kills and another 216 probable kills during his 16 months in Vietnam.  

His biggest single day was, ironically enough, Valentine’s Day of 1969.  He took up a position along a river that a platoon of Viet Cong wanted to cross, and he picked off 16 of them, persuading the rest to retreat.

Nine days later, he turned 20!    

According to news stories, after the war he lived quietly, working for the forest service and fathering three sons, and not even telling his wife about his sniper service. It wasn’t until a fellow Marine sniper wrote a book mentioning him in 1991 that he got his first public attention.

His obituary contains many indications of what a great man he was, starting with the fact that, “His friends, neighbors and co-workers had no idea that the soft-spoken man had killed at least 103 enemy combatants.” 

(Just like the mild-mannered Kiwi I met in Europe who had urinated in Hitler’s bathtub in the Eagle’s Nest, Mawhinney was no braggart.  As opposed to, say, I would be, if I had done anything anywhere near that cool.  “Hey, I know you’re just doing an oil change for me.  But have I mentioned that I killed several hundred commies in Vietnam?  And that I pissed in Ho Chi Minh’s bathtub?”)

In what turned out to be the last year of his life, Mawhinney was approached by a writer named Jim Lindsay, who got him to agree to let Lindsay write a book about him.  That book came out recently, and it’s called, “The Sniper: The Untold Story of the Marine Corps’ Greatest Marksman of All Time.”  

And it is the next book that I will be reading.   

“He listened to other people tell their stories,” said Lindsay. “He never told his story. Nobody knew he’d been in the war or what he’d done.  He was a good man.  He was a good father, a good husband and an asset to the community. He was a pretty cool cat.”

Indeed.  We should all be so lucky to have an obituary like that.  Plus, he killed between 103 and 319 Communist soldiers!

RIP,  Charles “Chuck” Mawhinney.  Semper Fi.

Also, a very happy birthday to the Founder of the Feast, our very own CO!

Also, as ever…

Hamas delenda est!

I’ve Noticed a Strange Pattern Developing (posted 2/19/24)

If you were an alien who just arrived on Earth from Venus and watched several hours of national news, you would probably ask the question, “Why are so many high-profile black women in very high-powered jobs so laughably terrible at those jobs?”

Then you would be immediately surrounded by a gaggle of MSM “journalists.”   You’d probably expect them to pepper you with comments and questions such as, “Holy Schiff!  You’re actually a real, live alien, aren’t you?!” and, “How did you get here from Venus, and what is the life on your planet like?” and, “Do you come in peace?”

But you’d only expect that because you’re from Venus, and have no conception of what crapulent, leftist hacks our MSM “journalists” are.

They would certainly bum rush you and start screaming comments and questions.  But they’d blow right past the fact that an alien life form has appeared on earth, and get down to the really important stuff.

By which I mean they would turn red in the face (no offense Grandma Squanto) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), stamp their tiny feet, and scream accusations at you. Such as, “How dare you question any black female ever?”

or “Would you say that you’re more of a Venusian supremacist or a Venusian nationalist?”

or “Are you here to colonize earth?  Because that is the kind of bigoted question we’d expect from a Venusian colonizer!”

Then they would demand that you check your green privilege, and call you a racist, and spit on you. 

And if you then felt like pulling out a death ray weapon that I hope you have and blasting them all, I speak for most of us when I say, “Blast away.”

And after all that, while you and I were enjoying a bottle of bourbon while sitting beside a smoking pile of molecularly disassembled leftist hacks, I would explain how our country has succumbed to the folly of DEI and racial preferences in hiring.

Okay, perhaps I’ve already had a little bourbon, and that introduction might have gotten away from me a little bit.

So let me start again: identity politics and racial and gender preferences in hiring are terrible for everyone.  

They’re obviously bad for the people who get discriminated against, and for the public or customers who are supposed to be served by people who are hired for reasons other than merit. But they’re also bad for the individuals and groups who theoretically “benefit” from them.

Let’s look at a few recent examples:

You all remember Claudine Gay.  She was the history-making first black female president of Harvard.  Normally, any academic wanting a job like that would have to have published at least a few highly respected books, and a stellar record of achievements as an administrator.   

Gay had published zero books, and only 11 articles, all of which were boiler-plate, fashionably leftist takes on race. (Without reading them, any liberal arts prof could summarize the abstracts of all of them: “Black people good, white people bad.”) 

But as MLK always said, “Judge not by the content of their curriculum vitae, but by the color of their skin.”  So Claudine got the job.

Annnnddddd…

When asked whether blood-curdling calls for anti-Semitic genocide are bad in front of a national audience, she couldn’t figure out an answer.

Which made reasonable people scratch their heads, and wonder what kind of qualifications someone that dumb could possibly have to be president of Harvard.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that her paper-thin publication record is littered with many, many instances of blatant plagiarism.

Speaking of horrifically unqualified Harvard big shots, a few minutes after Gay resigned in disgrace (though her emotional pain was probably eased by being given a Harvard teaching job for $900K per year), some anonymous tipster suggested that Harvard look into the academic record of their chief diversity and inclusion office Sherri Ann Charleston.

Annnnndddd…

It turns out that she plagiarized at least 40 times.  Which is even more impressive when you consider that she crammed all of that fraudulence into just two documents: her dissertation, and  ONE published article. 

Which, it turns out was an article that her husband actually wrote, and that she just re-packaged and claimed as her own. 

And it’s not just academics.  You may remember Marilyn Mosby, a racial grifter who got herself elected State’s Attorney in Baltimore in 2015.  She immediately started blazing a path of leftist incompetence that only added to the travails of the masochistic black Democrat community in Baltimore, who continue to elect incompetent imbeciles who “look like [them].”

She announced that her office would stop prosecuting many “lower level” crimes.  You may be shocked to learn that crime in Baltimore then went up.  Unexpectedly!

She also made a national name for herself by charging and prosecuting 6 cops who were connected (mostly tangentially) to the death of career criminal Freddie Gray while he was in custody and being driven to jail. 

Despite several prisoners’ testimony that Gray had been intentionally banging himself around inside the police van, and no evidence that the cops had hurt him, Mosby threw the book at all 6 cops.

Annnndddddd… all 6 were acquitted.

She was tossed out in the next election, after investigators noticed that she had taken a “hardship” withdrawal from retirement funds (when she was making $250K per year), to buy multiple rental properties in Florida (each of which she claimed was going to be a second home), and lied about several issues on her loan application.

Annndddd…. last week she was convicted on three perjury and fraud charges.

Which brings us to Fani “what ‘chu talkin’ bout” Willis, who showed her fanny and got bitten on it in a glorious day of testimony this week. 

This bonehead wanted to make herself a star by prosecuting Trump and 19 others on a raft of ridiculous RICO charges, and never has there been a more hilarious illustration of the bromide, “be careful what you wish for.”  

Her testimony on Thursday turned into a glorious self-immolation by a race-card playing dunce who was in far over her head.  When searching for a top lawyer to take on the incredibly complicated and high-profile RICO case, she picked a guy who had prosecuted mostly traffic cases, and had zero RICO experience.  

And the fact that he and she were sleeping together had NOTHING to do with it.

The best argument she could make was that she started banging the attorney she hired – and over-paid – only AFTER she hired him.  Because that makes it all better.

She claimed that she reimbursed her boy toy for all of the money he spent on her for trips and gifts, but that she did so in cash only.  Sweet, conveniently untraceable cash.

When asked why she would do that, she said that it was “a black thing” to keep thick wads of cash around at all times.  And no, she couldn’t show any records of when she had withdrawn it from her bank, and you’re racist for asking.

In fact, she managed to dig a deeper hole when she said that some of that cash came from when she ran for office, and took campaign cash home for personal use.  Which is illegal.

D’oh!

To be clear, all of these black women in high-powered jobs are not transparently corrupt failures because they are black or female.  They were only in those high-powered jobs in the first place because they were black and female, and that is a result of the transparently corrupt system of DEI identity politics.

In that way, racial preferences worked for them the same way that nepotism works for rich or powerfully connected white folks. 

Ted Kennedy was no more qualified to be a senator than he was to run a shake machine at McDonalds.  Hunter Biden couldn’t find Ukraine on a map and knew nothing about the energy business, and my three-year-old daughter made more impressive art with finger paints. 

But both of those reprobates were able to fail spectacularly on a big stage purely because of their last names.

The people who should be most outraged at frauds like Fani Willis, Marilyn Mosby and Claudine Gay are black women who work their butts off and legitimately earn their way to a spot at the table, only to be met by a skepticism that they don’t deserve. 

And that is all on scammers like Willis, Mosby and Gay.

Hamas delenda est!

Stupid Criminals, Lefty Atheists Tell Christians What Jesus Really Taught & Sunny Hostin Discovers She’s White, and Owes Reparations (posted 2/16/24)

There are a lot of stories to cover today, so let’s get started.

Right after Christmas 2022, Christopher Jason Hovis, 42, was arrested after he scared the hell out of a couple of children when he broke into their house in Decatur, Alabama and started stealing stuff.   He was arrested shortly afterwards. 

Even though he had a long criminal record, and even though this happened in Alabama, he was out of jail again by last week.  I know what you’re thinking: the citizens of Alabama ought to demand better.  They ought to insist that Hovis is put back in jail before he can commit another—

Oh no, wait.  A homeowner took care of that particular problem last Saturday, when Hovis began kicking his way through a door of his house at 4:00 a.m.   The homeowner got his pistol (because: Red State!) and called 911.  Cops headed his way immediately.

But as the old saying goes, “When seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.”  In this case, Hovis won the race between himself and the police, kicking his way into the house before officers arrived.

After he collected his prize — a traditional gunpowder greeting from the homeowner – a news story reports that Hovis celebrated his victory by “retreat[ing] outside, where he succumbed to his injuries.” 

Yes!  I can’t think of a better place for a would-be home invader to die than “outside.” 

Since the story doesn’t mention another weapon, I’m assuming Hovis was unarmed, which would trigger many lefty crime-justifiers to caterwaul, “How could the homeowner shoot an unarmed man?!”

Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven had the right answer, which I am paraphrasing: “He should have armed himself, if he was going to violently kick in the door of a gun-owner’s house.”

Roll tide!

If you watched the video I posted on Monday, you know that I cited CS Lewis in my thoughts about our current election cycle.  But as much as I love his clear thinking about Christianity, I also really enjoy being lectured about my faith by non-Christian leftists who are 100% sure of what Jesus meant when he taught things that they imagine him teaching. 

So I was in luck this week, when two theological giants shared their doctrinal wisdom with us all.

First up was Megan Rapinoe, the obnoxious, America-hating soccer player and professional malcontent.  “Highlights” of her “career” include repeatedly dissing our national anthem, whining that female soccer players don’t get paid enough, and badly missing a penalty kick to kill the American team’s chances to advance in some meaningless tournament.

In her last game, while walking alone on the field – far away from whatever counts as “action” in a soccer game – she somehow managed to tear an Achilles tendon.  Then, as soon as her career was over, she signed a letter opposing the “Protection of Girls and Women in Sports” Act, which would prevent men who pretend to be women from playing women’s sports.

Which tells you a lot about Rapinoe.  She’s the special kind of jerk who would happily subject other female athletes to getting the crap kicked out of them by creepy male athletes, once she was safely retired.

After her injury, Rapinoe waxed theological: “If there was a God, this is proof that there isn’t, because this is f**ked up.”

Move over, St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, because mediocre Megan is rocking the exegesis!

Rapinoe appeared on a podcast this week and discussed how surprised she was by the blowback she received from Christians and non-Christians alike, most of whom thought that her hilarious injury seemed more like proof of God’s existence than the opposite.

She now says that “there is a special place in hell” for people who celebrated her karmic downfall.  She also said, “Someone needs to check in on the Christians; they’re not okay.  They also missed the whole joke.”

No, no, we got the joke.  You’re an entitled little Christophobe who got wildly overpaid to play a boring game and spew hatred, and at the beginning of your last game ever, you blew out your Achilles while walking slowly in soft grass all alone. 

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since Norm MacDonald passed away.

Not to be outdone by the sapphic Solomon, Rob Reiner was out pimping his upcoming “documentary” God and Country, which explains that politically active conservative Christians are actually voting in ways “completely antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.”

Because whenever I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Jesus would do in this situation?” I always like to consult a far-left celebrity like Rob Reiner. 

And it turns out that the Gospel according to Rob teaches that we should abort babies until the moment of birth, enable addicted wretches to die in the streets and satanic doctors to castrate confused kids, and teach racial hatred and envy of people more successful than yourself.  Also, Hamas isn’t so bad, and Death to America.  Amen.

As we polite southerners like to say, “Bless your heart, Meathead.”

Speaking of meatheads, our vice president assures us that she is ready to serve, in the event that something happens (unexpectedly!) to Joe Biden.

As a rebuttal of Que Mala’s utterly unjustified self-confidence, check out the twitter video from Elsa Kurt, as she narrates Harris’ attempt to plug in an electric car at a photo op. (It’s several years old, but I just saw it for the first time.)

The VP stands beside the car holding the charging plug.  An off-camera voice says, “Go ahead and plug in,” and she says, “Okay,” and then takes way too long to plug it in, as if she’s never used an appliance before.

Then she holds onto the plug for the rest of the multi-minute clip.  She says, “There we go,” and the guy offscreen says, “And that’s it.”

And because I was wearing my conical wizard hat while watching and could read his thoughts, he spent the next agonizingly long minutes thinking, “Ok, you can let go now.  Let go.  Just ease your hand off.  For the love of God, please don’t keep standing there and holding that thing!”

The actual dialogue, which I am not making up, goes like this:

Que Mala (QM):  And there’s no sound, or fumes!

Off-camera Guy (OCG): There… there is nothing.  And that’s all there is to it.

QM: And for all of us who are used to, to filling our tank, you usually can smell it and, and hear it, you can hear the guzzling.

Off-camera Guy’s Thoughts (OCGT):  Guzzling?  What?  No.  You can’t hear electricity!

QM (still holding the cord): How do I know it’s working?  How would I know that?

OCGT: Not by the smell.  Because electricity doesn’t have a smell.  Unless it’s passing through the body of a condemned man sitting in an electric chair.  Which is where I wish I was right now.

OCG (out loud): So typically, you’d use a card, and then (pointing at the bright green lights lit up on the charging station) this light would come on.

And this makes Kamala cackle like she always does when nothing is the least bit funny.

Good lord, how hard can this be?  You’ve got a male plug and a female receptacle.  You just plug the male into the fe—

Oh, wait a minute.  I get it.  Kamala is one of those leftists who can’t define what a woman is, and thinks that a man can become one.  So… how can I put this delicately?  A process that involves the meeting of male and female is not their strong suit.

But of all of the leftist elites, I would have thought that Que Mala would at least understand that process.  Especially since it was her entry into politics, under the tutelage of Willie Brown.

Gotcha!  I bet you didn’t know that THAT was what “tutelage” means, did you? 

Wait a minute.  As a professor, I tutored many, many college students.  Could I have been doing it wrong, all of those years?

I mean, yes.  YES!  If Willie was doing it right, then I was definitely doing it wrong. 

Luckily for me, since my Norwegian wife would rip me limb from limb (that’s in her viking DNA) if I had been “tutoring” college students the way Willie tutored Que Mala…

Finally, I can’t not mention the hilarious Sunny Hostin story from this last week. 

The empty-headed race-baiter from the View has always prided herself for being half-black and half Puerto Rican, but when she appeared on a genealogy show last week, she found out that her ancestors were actually Spanish slave owners.  

In fact, they’d only moved to Puerto Rico because slavery had started getting suppressed in Spain, so they took their slaves with them to the New World.  

Now for you and me, that wouldn’t be devastating news.  Because we’re not racist weirdos who think that we are responsible for the deeds of long-dead ancestors, either good or bad.

But Sunny is a dimwitted racial essentialist, and she’s argued that she and other “people of color” deserve reparations from the descendants of evil white slavers.  So this was not good news.

She fidgeted and laughed very awkwardly, and stammered about how she never imagined she came from Spanish slaveholders!  But she soon tried to philosophically distance herself from this horrible rebuke to her self-conception: “I guess it’s a fact of life… that this is how some people made their living… on the backs of others.”

Not “some people,” Sunny!  YOU!  You have been a privileged slaver, and now your shameful secret is out. 

When Sunny got back to the View and talked about this awkward new knowledge, the irony was delicious.  She talked about how painful it was to find out she was half white, and how her blonde and light-eyed mother and family members had always thought of themselves as “racially black and ethnically Hispanic,” for whatever that’s worth.

Spoiler alert: it’s not worth a lot. 

Sunny tried to put the best face on things by trumpeting the fact that she’s 7% indigenous Puerto Rican.  And the dullards in the View audience applauded.  “Yay, non-whiteness!  Hooray!”

And sure, 7% is a lot, when compared to the .00001% Cherokee in Grandma Squanto’s background.  (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But we’re not buying it, Whitey!  You’ve pushed this stupid, racist and tribalist binary of oppressors and oppressed for your whole life, and now it’s come back to bite you on the arse.  The lily-white arse!

I almost developed a tiny bit of respect for Sunny though, when she stuck to her guns after this revelation, telling the View audience, “I still believe in reparations!”

For a moment I thought that she deserved a little credit, and wondered how she was going to figure out how much reparation money she owed to minorities, and how she was going to go about paying that.

But nope!  Right after saying that she believes in reparations, she said, “So all of you can stop texting me saying that I’m a white girl, and don’t deserve reparations.”

So for all of you who have asked the eternal question, “How dumb is Sunny Hostin?” you now have your answer.

She’s so dumb that even though she now knows that she’s a multi-millionaire descendent of slave holders, she STILL thinks poor white people with no connection to slavery should pay HER reparations!   

Hamas delenda est!