Martin Simpson

In my usual Monday column, I try to help start your week with a few laughs by mocking our national political idiots, but I can’t do that this morning.  Like most of you, I’ve spent the last couple of days watching the disgusting, cowardly attacks on Israel by cruel terrorists, and I’ve been vacillating between being heartsick and furious. 

And right now, furious is out in front by a long stretch.   

So since it’s too soon for me to put together a carefully constructed column, I hope you’ll forgive a more disjointed attempt to collect some of the thoughts that have been running through my head this weekend.

The hardest part of my Christian faith has always been the idea of turning the other cheek.  In my more contemplative moments I can see the wisdom of forgiving those who sin against us, and I admire some believers who are pacifist.  I’m glad that Christ is loving and merciful, because I need forgiveness and mercy on a depressingly frequent basis.

But I also believe that there is such a thing as righteous anger, and a responsibility to be violent in defense of the innocent and against those who initiate violence.  The Old Testament “eye for an eye” has always resonated strongly with me.  (In fact, I’m glad that for the Jews, the Old Testament is their ONLY testament.  In the coming days, I wish them good hunting and good, old-fashioned smiting of evildoers.)

I know that over the centuries, the Church has debated the justification of the death penalty, and the context for what constitutes casus belli, and it is that ethical framework that underlies our modern conceptions of war crimes and the sanctions provided by the Geneva Conventions.   

And when terrorists like Hamas violate all moral standards – engaging in terrorism, targeting civilians and non-combatants, murdering captives, not wearing uniforms that mark them as legitimate combatants – they are clearly not entitled to any benefits or consideration of Geneva or any other rules of war.

Along those lines, I’ve always loved the sniper character Private Jackson (played by Barry Pepper) in Saving Private Ryan, because I think he embodied a righteous man in war time.  Early on he wryly says, “Well, it seems to me, sir, that God gave me a special gift, made me a fine instrument of warfare.” 

And as he uses his sniper rifle to shoot the enemy and protect his squad, he recites parts of Psalms: “Blessed be the Lord my strength which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.  My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust.”

I’m not one of those believers who claims to know the mind of God, but my best guess is that He would be pleased with that attitude. 

Very rarely does history provide examples of wars in which virtue is almost all on one side.  Many wars are like the Iran-Iraq war in the 1980s – bad actors on both sides, fighting for bad reasons, and with routine atrocities on both sides.  In such cases, the wise course for non-involved countries is probably what happened then: a pox on both sides, and stand aside and allow them to keep killing each other. 

Also fairly common is the 60/40 moral mix of most wars.  Examples might be a lot of tribal wars where two aggressive groups clash, or the wars of late Rome vs various Gauls, Franks and Germanic barbarians.  In such cases, both societies are deeply flawed, aggressive and exploitative, etc., but one is usually more in the wrong, if only because they started the war.

Most modern wars also fit this pattern.  The czars of Russia were oppressive, but the communists were much worse.  Pre-Castro Cuba was corrupt, but Castro out-did them.  The Shah of Iran was bad, and his secret police the Savak were brutal, and rightly deserved their comeuppance.  But the weird-beard Ayatollah and his murderous followers were much worse; the numbers they slaughtered in their first months in power far exceeded the victims of the Savak over many years.

But Israel vs. its jihadist, genocidal neighbors is the rare exception.  Yes, Israel is full of humans, and thus sinful in the way all humans and nations are.  But the fashionable leftist insistence that both sides are morally equivalent (or often, that the jihadists are morally superior!) is a damnable lie.

Israel is a democracy and has allowed many Muslims to co-exist with full civil rights in their country.  There are Arabs in their Knesset.  Meanwhile, as Muslim control grew in every Arab country, Jews were increasingly persecuted and killed until the survivors were forced to flee.  Needless to say, there are no authentic democracies amongst Israel’s neighbors, and no Jews on any of their governing councils.

The Muslim countries all have drastically failed the “how’s that working out for you” test.  Beirut was once known as the Paris of the Middle East before civil war broke out in 1975.   Many Arab countries’ women had human rights, including the chance to go out in public while not smothered in a beekeeper outfit.  Their economies were not first-world, but neither were they the dregs of the third world.  Homicidal religion and brutal repression have ruined all of that.

Meanwhile, Israel has been thriving economically, culturally and technologically.  Israelis have more civil rights and freedom than their neighbors, and they’ve created a wealthier and more successful society.  Israelis earn a disproportionate share of patents, Nobels prizes, etc.  (Ironically,  Hitler was defeated in part because the Jews he’d driven out had an outsized role in developing the advanced weapons that eventually kicked his socialist arse.) 

Israel’s modern re-birth was controversial, and when five neighboring countries immediately attacked them, they met violence with violence.  Since then, Israel doesn’t start wars, and when they’re forced into them, they fight much more humanely.  They avoid civilian casualties as much as they can, in sharp contrast to their enemies, who target civilians, and use their own civilians as human shields. 

After Saturday, here’s the least our country can do: immediately stop every dime of aid going to any country who contributes to attacks on Israel in any way.  (Biden should be raked over the coals for having restored aid to “Palestine” that Trump had cut off!)  We should do our best to break and immiserate the Palestinian Authority and Hamas: no trade, no medical aid, nothing.  

We should also immediately slap every possible sanction on Iran, and give Israel any help we can in bombing their nuke facilities, which shouldn’t exist in the first place. 

Two of the saddest things about this tragic attack is that too many people in America and the West are stupid or malicious enough to support the “Palestinians,” and that the majority in Gaza fully support this barbarism.

We should make a full-throated moral case against the “stand-down” appeasement chorus in our own country, and in Europe.  Already at least 57 student groups at Harvard have signed on to a joint statement that begins, “We, the undersigned student organizations, hold the Israeli regime entirely responsible for all unfolding violence…” 

In a sane world, we’d immediately expel every one of those idiots, and deport those who aren’t US citizens. (I’d like to think that many of them are foreigners, but I’ve seen enough of our education system to know that that’s probably not true.)  We would also force all American politicians from mayors on up through Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar to take a position on this issue, and if they were honest enough to defend their vicious co-religionists, that should make them toxic to most American voters.  (Sadly, not all.)

In the meantime, any companies who have Harvard grads showing up for job interviews should find out if they signed on to that Nazi joint statement, and then blackball them.

One of the worst things about wars is the civilian casualties, but in this case, a disgustingly high proportion of “civilians” in Gaza are going to deserve what they get.  The stats that were posted here on the frighteningly high proportion of Muslims worldwide who approve of jihad and sharia (and all of the gay-stoning, honor-killing, and infidel-exterminating that goes with it) are well established.

And that societal sickness has been on full display for the last 48 hours.  All over the world, Muslims have been celebrating in the streets, just as many did on 9/11.  Not all Muslims (of course), but it’s a huge red flag that entire Muslim communities are doing nothing to stop the ghouls in the streets, including in Western nations where they cannot be said to fear the jihadi governments’ reactions if they went out and opposed the savage celebrators. 

And look at the streets of Gaza, packed with jubilant a-holes, chanting “Allahu Akbar” and spitting on the naked corpse of a defenseless woman the brave, armed jihadis had beaten and then murdered.  When I saw that footage, I found myself fantasizing about a squadron of A-10 “Warthogs” circling the city.  (For those of you who don’t follow military aviation, the A-10 is an ugly, nearly indestructible ground-support warplane that is basically a flying platform for the biggest Gatling gun cannon ever.  Instead of a plane with a gun, it’s a gun with wings!) 

I imagine the first Warthog pilot starting his strafing run down that street, and I’d love to see the faces of those cowardly scumbags as they stopped dancing around that poor woman’s broken body and looked up to see the first of a line of 30 mm shells tearing up the street toward them. 

Ugh.  This weekend has not brought out the best in me.  And I know that Israel is going to face terrible choices, including how to kill all the terrorists who badly need killing, while they are holding Israeli hostages and hiding behind women and children. 

But we know that what we have been doing – restraining Israel, giving aid to jihadist governments and tolerating jihadi-sympathizers in our midst – has brought us to where we are today.  

The moral equivalence argument is not just wrong, and it’s not just naïve.  It’s evil.   As a very old book says, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.”  The Israelis know that book well, and they know the Psalms of David, too. 

I hope that the Mossad and IDF have done their homework, and know the identities of everybody in Hamas who ranks higher than the foot soldiers.  And I hope they end up killing all of those evil people, in big bunches and individually.  And after that, start on the foot soldiers. 

And all the while, before and during every attack, I hope they’ve got these words on their lips: “Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teacheth my hands to war, and my fingers to fight…”

Hamas delenda est! 

Regular readers know that I’m usually a happy warrior type, with a glint in my eye, a smile on my face, pep in my step, and junk in my trunk.

Well no, not that last one.  (I’m no AOC.) I got carried away there.  Just the other ones.

But is it just me, or is almost everything about our politics today just freaking exhausting?  Everywhere I look I see either morons, or reasonably smart people hell-bent on doing moronic things.

If it wasn’t for my unrelenting commitment to excellence in snarkery, I’d be too exhausted to even give you examples.  But here goes. 

I already mentioned that Joe Biden (RIP) couldn’t get the name “LL Cool J” right in a public speech last week.  But I think I buried the lede there, because what is the “president” of the United States doing discussing LL Cool J in a public speech, anyway? 

Well, he was presenting some kind of award that the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation gives out based on skin color and leftist ideology.  So you know THAT wasn’t a huge time waster.

But before he even got to mangling the rap name of Ladies Love Cool James, Biden said something even dumber.

Side bar: Yeah, that’s what “LL Cool J” stands for.  And I’m embarrassed to admit that I did know that without looking it up.  Which means that I’ve been storing one less Bible verse or Shakespearian couplet or Thomas Sowell quote in my crystal brain than I could have, because one neural connection was reserved for that idiotic LL Cool J fact.     

Now let’s never speak of this again.

Anyway, Biden introduced his presentation with the following sentence, which I am not making up:   “Two of the great artists of our time representing the groundbreaking legacy of hiphop in America…”

That sentence fragment is already all kinds of wrong.  The idea that hiphop in America has created a “groundbreaking legacy” is more than a stretch.  But the further idea that the mortal remains of Joe Biden knows anything about hiphop is even more far-fetched. 

(And you’ll never convince me that as he mumbled his way through rehearsals with the teleprompter Biden didn’t refer to hiphop as “flipflop,” “slipslop,” or “cornpop” at least once each.) 

And calling LL Cool J a “great artist?”  C’mon, man.

I mean, I like “Goin’ Back to Cali” as much as the next guy.  

Or, as Joey Gaffes calls it, “Camelback to Mali”… er… I mean,“Back Pack to Maui.”  No… anyway… you know the thing.”  (And don’t get him started on, “Mama Said I’ve Got Gout!”)

[Long, loooonnnggg pause.]  Anyway…

That was the Biden impression I’ve been working on.  It’s better with the visuals, when I let that word die off in a sad, air-coming-out-of-a-deflating-tire kind of wheeze, then turn and shake hands with someone who isn’t there, trip over a sandbag, and fall down a short flight of stairs like a desiccated, octogenarian human slinky.

And, scene.

Or take New York Democrat Congressman Jamaal Bowman.  Please.  (Spoiler alert: the extra “a” in his first name does not stand for “awesome.”)

If you haven’t watched the news for a week, you’re probably asking, “Martin, who is this idiot?”  (By the way, if I were ever to write a regular column focused just on analyzing members of congress, the title of that column would definitely be, “Who is This Idiot?”)

Well, Bowman is the latest in a long line of “Stupid or Liar” contestants from congress.  Because when the Democrats were trying to delay a House vote, he pulled a fire alarm in a government building. Then – imagine his surprise! – a fire alarm went off. 

He obviously didn’t know that there are cameras in the building.  Brilliant!  (Though in his defense, there apparently aren’t any cameras in the White House to catch random presidential offspring when they litter the West Wing with bags of cocaine, so who knew?)

He then tried to claim that he was trying to get through an emergency door to get to the House floor faster.  (In his defense, if the sprinkler system had gone off, he could have built up speed and then flopped onto his belly on the marble floor, using it like a huge slip ‘n’ slide to launch him into the voting area.)

He was finally reduced to arguing that he didn’t know how fire alarms, or doors, or congressional votes work.  (In his defense… Nope. I’m out.  I’ve got nothing.)

Ooh, except that he’s a lying moron.  Great job, voters of New York!

But sadly, it’s not just leftists whose shenanigans are exhausting me.  Because a small group of House Rs — seeing that Biden is flailing around with historically horrific poll numbers, and knowing the old saw that “when your opponent is hurting himself, don’t interrupt him” – said, “Hey, let us interrupt Biden and get the focus off of him, by throwing out our Speaker!”

I can’t claim to closely follow the daily machinations of the House, mostly because life is too short to seek out things that you know are going to irritate you. 

But I thought that McCarthy did a reasonably good job, considering the fractious GOP and the slim majority he had to work with.  He did more conservative things than I first expected him to do, and he’s been much better than other GOP house speakers in the last several decades.

I know: saying that someone is more effectively conservative than Paul Ryan and Weepy John Boehner is like saying a woman is the most attractive Democrat in the House. 

(Yes, we get it AOC: you’ve got a juicy booty – your words, not mine – which makes you the uncontested winner on your side.  But you’ve edged out gals like Maxine Waters, Rashida Tlaib, and Imhotep Pelosi.  So… congratulations?)

But my sense is that McCarthy played a weak hand reasonably well; with the Senate under Dem control, and the White House in the cold, dead hands of Joey Gaffes, no slightly GOP House was going to ram through any significantly conservative legislation into law.  And I generally agree with the pragmatic approach of using the leverage you have to achieve the limited possible gains, under the theory that half a loaf is better than none.

(On the other hand, I hate the constant feeling that we’re always settling for half a loaf, while Dems with less public opinion behind them either get the whole loaf, or drop down to getting 90% of a loaf!)  

Re: Matt Gaetz, some of his fights in the past have yielded good results, as when he was part of the conservative caucus that made McCarthy accede to some specific demands to get the gavel.  (That McCarthy was the worst of McCarthy, because it appeared that he wanted the job with as little deference paid to the conservative wing as possible.  Which we should all resist!)

On the other hand, the fact that Gaetz sided with Dems to take down McCarthy without any apparent plan for a candidate to replace him seems short-sighted, to say the least. (The fact that the 8 Rs voted with over 200 Dems and against over 200 Rs – giving the Dems what they wanted – is also a prima facie red flag to me!)   

But I do love that McCarthy’s first move after being ousted was to kick Pelosi and Steny Hoyer out of their “courtesy” offices.  That was sweet, as was watching several MSM figures whining about it.  And I guess if we end up with a more conservative and successful speaker – Jim Jordan is my favorite candidate so far – it might all work out. 

But I’m not a big Gaetz fan at this point.  His move against McCarthy seems motivated more by personal animus than conservative principle, and I’m getting more than enough of that kind of petty sniping from our presidential contest right now.

Speaking of which, did Trump really need to slam Nikki Haley as a “bird brain?” 

I don’t really have a dog in this fight, because I’m not supporting Haley in the primaries.   But she’s a reasonable GOP candidate (though as every candidate in decades except for DeSantis, she’s not nearly conservative enough for me), did a reasonable job when Trump picked her as ambassador, and I would gladly vote for her against Biden or any Dem. 

That being said, is anybody on our side still just loving the 5^th grade insults?   

If it’s too much to ask for Trump to aim less vitriol at GOP figures than he does at the far-left Dem figures who are destroying our nation, can he at least refrain from insulting the intelligence and character of people whom HE APPOINTED!  OH! OHHHH!

Sorry, I instinctively slipped into Sam Kinison mode there for a moment. 

But seriously, does Trump not realize that every time he calls another of his own chosen appointees a dimwitted, evil loser he hurts his chances in the general?  When he trumpets that he picked a lousy VP running mate, terrible cabinet members, awful governors, several worthless attorney generals – etc. and etc. – there are only three ways to evaluate those claims:  

1. Those appointees all had some kind of split-personality psychoses, so that they were Dr. Jekyll when Trump picked them, but then immediately became Mr. Hyde,

2. Trump has worse judgment than the Bud Light PR team, or

3. He is attacking them now out of personal pique rather than conservative principle.

I think most people would probably choose #3 as the most likely option on that list, but none of them are a good look. In fact, choice 3 might be the most damaging to Trump’s prospects, given his repeated insistence that he values loyalty above all else.  

And as I’ve said before on that score, I hope that he’ll raise funds – and use some of his own – to pay for the legal defense of his co-defendants in GA and elsewhere, as well as the J6 defendants who have been victimized by Biden’s corrupt DOJ.

Again, I don’t like criticizing Trump like this, and I know I’m probably angering many of the valued members of CO nation.  But we all owe it to each other to tell the truth, and to call out anyone on our side who is behaving in ways that we think is going to hurt their prospects and our cause. 

And it’s worth remembering that our side is producing the kind of success in red states that is causing people to flee here from the leftist blue states.

Or as Joe Biden would put it, quoting that great artist LL MNOP Cool JD Vance…

“Goin’ back to Cali?  I don’t think so!”

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Jamaal “Four-Alarm” Bowman, 2024!

Update: I’ve posted a second monthly video (which you can find at “Videos” on my site, Martinsimpsonwriting.com), this one about my thoughts on the Canadian school that removed all books written before 2008 from their library.  (Spoiler alert: I’m agin’ it!)  Let me know what you think.

October always puts me in a good mood, but this month should be especially good. 

My daughter is coming in from Denver for a visit this week, and it will be great to see her.  (She’s a social butterfly type, with almost too many friends, and even though she’s been in what seems like half a dozen weddings in the last year, she’s going to be in another one this weekend.) 

Our Victorian house is also near completion after it partially burned last year, and is officially going to be re-rented this month.  I’m going to post some pics of it on my site, for those of you who are interested. 

I also hope to travel up north and see some family and some changing leaves this month.

In the meantime, I’m trying to cut down on the negativity in my life, which means that I’m getting more selective about what media I’m consuming. 

So if you tell me that Trump has denigrated pro-lifers and thinks fetal-heartbeat bans are terrible, I won’t know what you’re talking about.  And if you try to engage me in conversation about how GOP senators and congressmen are fighting about continuing resolutions or mutinies within the party, I will just give you a blank stare. 

And if you ask me anything about the Chicago Bears’ or Florida Gators’ football seasons, I will put my fingers in my ears and sing Tom Petty’s “Listen to Her Heart” at the top of my lungs (“You think you’re gonna take her away, with your money and your cocaine!”) until you go away. 

On the other hand, the stupidity and misfortune of leftists is that which gives me joy.  (If any of you got that obscure and tenuous reference to Robert DeNiro as Al Capone in the baseball bat scene in the Untouchables, you are officially all right in my book.)  So let’s take a quick whip-round of the latest in leftist ignominy from the past week.

First up, it looks like slimy Dem Senator Bob Menendez (D-whatta you lookin’ at?) is as corrupt as EWFE (Everyone With Functioning Eyes) always knew he was.  But when he was finally charged with a Hunter-esque boatload of felonies this week, all of the national Dems were shocked – Shocked, I tells ya! – to learn that the guy with ten large in every pocket of every monogrammed smoking jacket in his closet was a crook. 

How were they to know that a guy who drives a Mercedes given to him by a bunch of guys who look like they came from a casting call from The Sopranos and a documentary about the Egyptian Muslim Brotherhood, and who paid for his wife’s designer clothes with gold bars might not be tickety-boo, ethics-wise?

Now all the shady Dems are pressuring Bent Bob to resign, so that they won’t have to worry about him potentially losing a Dem senate seat next year. 

But I stand with you, Bob Menendez!  You are the archetypal representative of the Democrat party, and the perfect embodiment of Bidenomics.  You’re better than those shameless hacks who are trying to shame you into stepping down, so keep fighting the good fight!

Speaking of corrupt leftists who are about to get what’s coming to them, you should all know the name Scott Ziegler, but because of the malicious and biased hacks in our MSM, few people do.

Ziegler was the Loudon County Public Schools Superintendent, and he was a key figure in educrat bullying of parents and covering up the high-profile trans-rapes that helped Glenn Youngkin win the VA governor’s race.  In January Ziegler is going to be tried for falsely denying in a school board meeting that there had been any sexual assaults in school bathrooms. 

But last week he was convicted on several charges that stemmed from a different crime, this one his retaliatory firing of teacher Erin Brooks, a special ed teacher of the year who testified to a grand jury about “an unrelated mishandling of sexual assault by school administrators.”

You can find the details at the Daily Wire, but I’ll just mention a few that jumped out at me.  Ziegler accused Brooks of giving private (but true) information to a conservative activist (which it turns out she didn’t do), and of giving private information to a grand jury.  But since she’d been subpoenaed to testify to the grand jury, it was obviously illegal for Ziegler to fire her for truthfully doing so.

Brooks had reported a mentally-disabled student who was routinely grabbing Brooks’ and her female TA’s genitals during class.  The administrators’ response – and I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to – was “to give [the women] a piece of cardboard called ‘no-no hands’” that they were to hold in front of their groins.

I know what you’re thinking: problem solved! 

But not so fast, because the educrat brain trust also offered a Plan B, in the form of dog groomer aprons to wear to – again, not making this up! – “slow down penetration.”

One other weird detail: the story said that Ziegler didn’t testify at his trial (Duh!), but did note that in court he wore earrings and nail polish.  (Which might possibly provide a tiny clue as to why he was so enthusiastic about allowing sexually confused males into female bathrooms where they could rape grade schoolers.)

Tragically, Ziegler is only facing up to 12 months in jail and a $2500 fine for his cartoonishly villainous actions.  (Meanwhile, Midwestern grandparents with no criminal records who were invited by police to walk through the Capitol building for 10 minutes on January 6^th are doing years of hard time.)   

If I know our justice system, Ziegler won’t do much prison time, but I sure hope that he does at least some.  And I hope that when he goes in, he’s wearing earrings and lipstick.  And I will happily start a Gofundme to buy him a dog groomer apron. 

Hell, I’ll even throw in a cardboard “no-no hands” to help him out.   

Finally, last Thursday night as I was writing a column with a joke about Dianne Feinstein making Joe Biden look energetic and almost lifelike in comparison, she had actually just died.  So, too soon, I guess.  But also, that joke holds up.

Anyway, it fell to Ken-Doll Newsom to appoint her temporary replacement, and he had quite a field of crapulent leftist candidates from which to choose.  Katie Porter is thoroughly unlikeable and creepy, but so is congenital liar Adam Schiff (D-bag), and aging racial arsonist Barbara Lee.  Newsom had already promised to choose a woman of color if the seat came open.

(Don’t get excited Liz Warren, because “translucent” isn’t technically a color, and you’re already a terrible senator.)  (#wemustneverstopmockingher). 

And by the way, don’t you love it when leftist pols are transparent with their affirmative action identity-hire intentions?   Stating that that’s what they’re doing necessarily means that they aren’t searching for the best possible candidate.

Take a hypothetical example:  DeSantis is our next president (I can still dream for a little while longer!) and a SCOTUS seat comes open.  He announces that he hasn’t looked at any candidates yet, but he’s going to fill it with a middle-aged straight white male Appalachian-American hilarious genius with excellent taste in literature and music, a smoke-show wife, two top-shelf daughters, a Wonder Dog, and sexual charisma that just won’t quit. 

Obviously the entire country would have to hold its breath and pray that Martin Simpson knows something about constitutional law.   And that’s no way to choose someone.

But when Ken Doll is doing the choosing, he compounds the problem because his political preferences are wrong-headed in the extreme.  By saying that his choice is going to be a black woman he follows in the stumbling footsteps of the late Joe Biden when he said he would consider only black female candidates for SCOTUS.  (Hence we get two of the most historically banal and poorly-thought-out opinions in just the first year of Ketanji Brown-Jackson’s time on the high court.)

But Newsom outdid himself with his choice of Laphonza Butler.  Because despite her goofy name – she’s the opposite of the Fonz, who as everybody knows, was very cool – she has the kind of nightmarish resume that suggests she may have been built in a lab dedicated to producing the perfect far-left candidate.

Like the Wuhan Virology Lab, only far more destructive.

Butler checks the required identity boxes; not only is she black and female, she’s also a lesbian!  So if a crucial bill involving BLM and women’s softball coaches hits the Senate floor, she’ll be the go-to subject matter expert.  (And no, I haven’t forgotten about Karine Jean-Pierre.  She’s also a horribly incompetent identity-hire three-fer, but she’s not in the Senate.)

Butler also used to be a union leader in the SEIU, but when that proved to not be soul-sucking enough, she moved on to become the leader of Emily’s List, an extreme pro-abortion fund-raising collective.  But even with those terrible jobs, she was a bit of a “Laphonza of all Trades,” because she still found time to be – and I am not making this up – “a Democratic strategist and adviser to Kamala Harris’ 2020 presidential campaign.”         

Ah yes, the sterling campaign that ended up in Que Mala not even making it to the California primary, having spectacularly crashed and burned early on, leaving nothing but a charred political bomb-crater filled with broken Venn diagrams, smoking yellow school buses and a slurry of word salad that had to be disposed of by workers in Hazmat suits. 

Great job, you Patrick-Bateman-looking empty haircut of a CA governor!

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ “Bullion Bob” Menendez, 2024!

I recorded the GOP debate last night, but haven’t been able to make myself watch it yet.  Lately I’ve taken to waiting to see the coverage and the excerpts the next day, mostly because the entire process is painful for me to watch, since I find the current state of the race to be so dispiriting.   

I still haven’t completely given up on DeSantis, because I’m a hopeless political romantic, and for decades I’ve dreamed of having a disciplined and consistently principled conservative presidential candidate to support, rather than having to settle for the least objectionable option.  (Ironically, my vote for Trump in 2020 was the happiest one I’d ever cast.)   

I know that if/when the day comes that RDS is mathematically eliminated (I know: that day may have already come), I’m going to mourn the lost opportunity of having DeSantis do for the US what he’s done for Florida.

At that point, I’ll at least be able to enjoy his excellent conservative governance of Florida for the remainder of his second term, and hope that five years from now, as Trump is preparing to leave the scene – hopefully after a successful second term – DeSantis will still be a viable option for a future presidency.  

But I fear that the maddening, dishonest leftist attacks on him from both Trump and the left may have rendered him toxic in the future.  Which will be a real shame.

Turning to the Dem side of things… Yikes!  Just when you think Biden cannot deteriorate any more obviously, he seemingly walks into a demented political version of the Monty Python dead parrot sketch: 

Everyone With Functioning Eyes (EWFE):  This guy is dead 

Rachel Maddow:  No, no, he’s just resting.  Look.

EWFE:  We know what a dead guy looks like, and we’re looking at one now.

Jake Tapper:  No, he’s resting.  He’s a great president, ol’ Blue Collar Joe.

EWFE: He’s stone dead.

KJP (jabbing Biden, making his head flop to one side): There, he moved!

EWFE:  No he didn’t, that was just you jabbing at him!

KJP:  No it wasn’t.  I mean, he’s got a great Bidenomics plan, and he’s hard at work promoting it.

EWFE:  He’s not hard at work.  That’s rigor mortis.

KJP: Nonsense.  You should see him on the trail, none of us can even keep up with him.

EWFE:  Francisco Franco could keep up with him!  He’s as dead as Julius Caes–  (Biden slowly pitches to one side and falls flat on his face.)

EWFE (pointing to Biden’s prone body): What do you call that, then?

KJP: There was a sandbag in his way. 

EWFE: A sandbag?!  Then why doesn’t he get up?

KJP: He’s just pining for Scranton. 

EWFE: He’s not pining!  He’s passed on.  This president is no more.   He has ceased to be.  He’s shuffled off this mortal coil. 

Joy Behar:  No way.  He’s doing a great job.  The economy is coming back.

EWFE: You know what’s not coming back?  Him!  He’s joined the choir invisible.  We demand a living, replacement president.

KJP: I can see if we’ve got another Bid—

EWFE: NOT HUNTER!!  Or Jill, or Jim.

KJP: Okay.  (looking around her in a panic, when her gaze falls on Que Mala)  I’ve got a slug.

EWFE:  A slug?  (Que Mala breaks out in a crazy cackle that raises the hair on the back of your neck.)  Can she talk?

KJP: Not really. 

And, scene.

Seriously, Biden is frightening everyone.  They’ve had him start using the short stairs at the back of the plane, and he still almost fell on his way down.  He’s telling the same stories multiple times in the same short speech.  And he couldn’t properly introduce the 55-year-old rapper LL Cool J without screwing up his name. 

“But Martin,” you are probably asking, “how do you screw up a name that consists of a one-syllable word and three simple letters?” 

I know, it’s hard to believe.  But he called him “LL J Cool J.”  And then he called the adult black guy “boy.”  Ouch!

On the other hand, are we really surprised?  I mean, we all know about Biden’s youthful rival on the mean streets of Pennsylvania, Cornelius Popovich.  Except that when Biden talks about that guy, the closest he can get is “Corn Pop.”  (True story.  And guess what? That Cornelius Popovich was a bad dude.)

If this keeps up, Biden might need to pick Dianne Feinstein as his VP for ’24, just to make him look energetic and lively by comparison.

My Wonder Dog Cassie insisted that I give you one more Biden story today, because she is outraged.

As you all know, dogs are man’s best friend, and I’d rather spend time with the average dog than with the average person.  (Present company here in CO nation excepted, of course.)  There’s even a famous dog-related political saying, attributed to the last Democrat president who wasn’t a grotesque disappointment, Harry Truman: “If you want a friend in Washington DC, get a dog.”

But Joe Biden couldn’t even manage to do that!  As a wise Scottish shepherd once told me (two months ago, during an incredible border collie demonstration in the highlands), there are no bad dogs, only bad owners. 

Indeed.  You remember that Biden first got a German Shepherd named Major, but he had to leave the White House after he bit at least two people.  (Oddly enough, Hunter Biden is still allowed in the White House, even though he’s bitten the behinds of at least 3 hookers that we know of.) 

So Biden got another German Shepherd, Commander, this one a puppy whom he could raise from scratch, and instruct with the same parenting skill-set that he used with Hunter.

Annnnndddd… Commander has bitten at least 11 people in 16 months.   

The latest attack was this week, when he chomped on a secret service agent like the agent was a pork chop and Commander was Whoopi Goldberg. 

Was Obama right: is there really NOTHING that Biden can’t “F” up?  I mean, German Shepherds are beautiful, loyal, intelligent animals.  And sure, when they’re owned and trained by members of a certain national socialist workers’ party, they’ve had a bit of a spotty work history.

But now as then, it’s the socialist owner, not the pooch, that’s the problem!  

I just hope that if Biden shows up next week with yet another German Shepherd – this one named Gruppenfuhrer Biden – every member of the secret service quits!

I’m Cassie’s owner, and she approves this message.      

Before I go, I’d like to send you into the weekend with two recommendations, one a documentary and one a book.

If you enjoy the music of Tom Petty – and if you don’t, c’mon, man! – I just came across a documentary called “Somewhere You Feel Free: The Making of Wildflowers,” which chronicles Petty’s creation of his favorite album in 1994.

It features a lot of behind-the-scenes footage of Petty noodling, writing and rehearsing most of the songs that made it onto the album, and a bunch of very good ones that didn’t.  I’m fascinated by the creative process, and it was cool to see him just muddling his way through normal life. 

Except that for him, “normal life” involved writing some excellent songs.  I miss that guy.

The book is C.S. Lewis’ That Hideous Strength.  It’s the third book in his science fiction trilogy, and though I didn’t much care for the first two, this one stuck in my head, and I’ve just recently re-read it.

It’s a dystopian tale of the dangers of a metastasizing, arrogant bureaucracy hell-bent on imposing an oppressive “progressive” scientism on the little people who aren’t smart enough to realize how backward their old-fashioned morality and ethical world view really is.

So, pretty much a cross between a demonic horror movie and the last couple of years of American politics. 

Lewis is always worth reading.  Though my favorites of his are The Screwtape Letters and some of his apologetics, including the clear thinking and prose of his Mere Christianity, this one is as prescient as 1984, and feels like it’s ripped from tomorrow’s headlines. 

Have a good weekend, and don’t forget…

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Commander Biden, 2024!

As I was running through some headlines on RedState this weekend, I saw one that gave me pause: “US To Sell F-16 Fighters to People’s Republic of Vietnam.”  

I’m a pretty simple man, and I live by simple rules.  (The 10 commandments and the Golden Rule. Your word is your bond; the best defense is a good offense; you don’t put ketchup on a hot dog, etc.)  And when it comes to political questions, if a country’s name starts with “People’s Republic of” the answer is usually a hard NOPE! 

Especially when the question starts with, “Should we sell weapons to…,” you pretty much have me at “people’s republic.” 

However, the article suggests that since Vietnam has some ongoing tensions and conflict with China, this might be a worthwhile move, if only because it updates the old realpolitik truism that “the commie enemy of my much worse commie enemy is my friend.” 

Color me skeptical.  When you attach the “people’s republic” label, and the fact that this deal is being explored by the reverse-Midases of the Biden administration (i.e. everything they touch turns to shite), you’re already got two strikes.

But if it means potentially making life harder for the Chicoms, I’m listening.  Still, we should demand receipts. 

I saw what I think is some good news and some bad news for Trump this past week, and both reminded me of how much I despise the national Democrats.

One bit of mixed news was Trump’s 90-minute interview with Megyn Kelly on 9/12, which contained both good Trump and bad Trump. 

After the interview, Kelly had the great Victor Davis Hanson on to discuss it, and he had it about right, as he reliably does: Trump is so much better and less deserving of scorn than Biden that it is a national shame that he’s being treated the way he is while Biden is getting the kid gloves treatment.  (That’s my paraphrase of VDH, who along with Thomas Sowell is one of the wisest living Americans, IMHO.)

But he also acknowledged the weakness of some of Trump’s responses, including a non-response on what he’s doing now to stop the steal next time, and the fact that his skipping the GOP debates now is going to make it harder for him to insist that Biden absolutely must debate him in the general, and a few others.

When asked about why he showed such deference to Fauci until the end of his term, including giving him a presidential commendation on his last day in office, Trump said, “I don’t know who gave him the commendation.”   (Um, you did. In a face-to-face ceremony, when you were the president.  Which as the name “presidential commendation” suggests, is traditionally given by the president.)

Kelly ended that question by asking, “Wouldn’t you just like a do-over on that?”  Some might see that as snarky phrasing, but to me it was a slow pitch over the plate, and I was just begging to hear him say the obvious:

“Yes, I’m fallible like everyone else, and knowing what I know now, I wish I would have followed my correct instincts (I said it was from a Chinese lab early on, etc.) and sidelined Fauci very early on.  I’ve learned valuable lessons from my devious enemies in the first term, and I’ll use that knowledge to do even better in my second.”    

The good news for Trump is in the polls.  He continues to lead the GOP field by huge margins that appear to be growing, which is nothing new.   But for the first time, I’ve seen a “mainstream” poll – this one from the WAPO – showing Trump with a sizeable 10-point lead against Biden in the general.  Right now that’s an outlier, but if other polls begin to show the same results, it will ease the concerns of a lot of conservatives who fear Trump will lose the general.   (Like me, for instance.)

On the other hand, CO’s thesis (which I agree with) is that if it starts looking like Biden is clearly going to lose the election to Trump (or any other GOP nominee, for that matter) — if it’s a close call, the national Dems will use all of their trademarked chicanery to steal it – the Dems will force Biden out. 

They’ll replace him with Newsom (D-Barbie World), or Michelle Obama (Defensive End, Arkansas State), or some other leftist whose egregious flaws are much less known than Biden’s.   

I’m afraid that strategy may work, because the Dems always do worse when the spotlight is on their candidate and their policies.

The Left’s natural enemy is sunlight/exposure.  The twin pillars of their recent campaigns are slandering their opponents (racists, sexists, bigots, fascists, etc.) and clothing their own candidates in vague and glittering generalities and platitudes (he’s for the working class, she loves diversity, etc.)

The first strategy is a given, and as long as they control the MSM, it will always give them outsized returns.  But the second one is risky, primarily because the reality of their policies is disastrous, and exposure to sunlight will doom them.  Examples abound.

Offering “sanctuary” to abstract and noble immigrants sounds great; actually watching millions of illegals descend on your cities and break all of your infrastructure (education, social services, hospitals, prisons, etc.) makes even deep-blue mayors shriek, “It’s destroying our city!”

Talking about “Bidenomics” in the abstract is not nearly as bad as watching your mortgage rate double, and paying a king’s ransom for a bag of groceries and a gallon of gas.

Talking in abstract terms about “trans rights” or “women’s health care” sounds good; seeing a hulking dude with a creepy fetish in your grade-school daughter’s bathroom and taxpayer funding of late-term infanticide, not so much.   

Talking about the joys of “renewable energy” sours pretty quickly when you’re confronted by a giant mound of bird corpses at the base of a wind turbine, black-outs and brown-outs in a first-world nation, and utility bills that are as high as Hunter Biden in a roomful of hookers. 

The same thing goes for their candidates.  Biden stayed in his basement in 2020, because the more people saw him, the more they disliked him.  Hillary did much the same in 2016; everyone says her main mistake was not going to WI or a couple of other states that the Dems didn’t believe were in range for Trump, but I’m convinced they’re wrong.  Wherever she went she brought her inherent repulsiveness with her, so I don’t see why her showing up and CAW-CAWing at the cheeseheads would have helped her prospects there.

The horrible Katie Hobbs is governor of AZ now because she was able to hide and refuse to debate her much more intelligent and nimble opponent.   Fetterman almost lost his election when his one, late debate showed that he couldn’t talk or think.  (Fortunately for him, Oz was an uninspiring RINO, and the PA Dem machine rigged the rest.)   

For all of these reasons, the GOP candidate would be best served in ’24 by doing enough to highlight his differences with the Dems’ policies, and then keeping the spotlight on Biden, or whichever Dem takes his place. 

In this sense, I think Ben Shapiro (and others) have it right:  if ’24 is primarily about Biden, Trump wins; but if ’24 is primarily about Trump, Biden wins. 

And that’s why – all of my appreciation for Trump’s accomplishments during his presidency aside – I’m worried that he might have a special weakness, in that by his inclination and the Left’s design, he is always going to be the primary focus of attention in any election he’s in. 

That will help with some voters, but for the rest, I hope that all of conservative media and all of us can keep the spotlight on the leftist candidates and policies that have wreaked so much havoc these last several years.   

Have a good week, everybody!

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Tony “The Science” Fauci, 2024!

Okay, no time to waste.

John Fetterman has apparently recovered from his stroke, which is both good news and bad news. It’s good news for him, because he can now speak well enough to make himself understood.

But it’s bad news for him, because – as I believe I just mentioned – he can now speak well enough to make himself understood. So now all of us understand that he’s a petulant, arrogant, classless moron without the judgment to be employed as one of Liz Warren’s buffalo wranglers, let alone as a Senator.

(I know: a buffalo wrangler isn’t a thing.  But I wasn’t able to work a reference to Grandma Squanto into the last couple of columns, so that’s the best Indian-adjacent reference I could come up with on short notice.) (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

The Democrat voters should be ashamed of themselves for electing this hulking boor, and I hope he mortifies them every day for the remainder of his term.  

And even though plenty of Republicans do idiotic things – including cheating Kristi Noem, fun-first-date Lauren Boebert, and catatonic Chinless Cartoon Turtle McConnell – Democrats have elected Fetterwoman, Melting-Face Maxine Waters and Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine), along with dozens of others just as bad.

So before they open their mouths to say anything about any GOP dimwit, they can take some 50-year-old advice from Archie Bunker and stifle themselves.  (And yes, that’s just another example of the up-to-the-minute cultural references you get when you read my cutting-edge columns.  You’re welcome.)  

Hunter suing the IRS is great.  If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that a coconut that falls on a dumb guy’s head makes him into a genius, and he starts using words like “indubitably.”  But that’s not relevant right now.

But if tv has taught me at least one other thing, it’s that in our court system, a lawsuit ends up going through a discovery phase.  And for Hunter, as for most national Dems, discovery is the LAST thing they want.

Democrats who scream about conservatives “banning books” hate it when we discover that those books are mostly guides to oral copulation for pre-teens.

Democrats who scream about “trans rights” hate it when we discover that that means having a creepy dude Toobin-ing in a sorority shower room while the actual women there flee the place.

Democrats who generate a cloud of verbal fog about “women’s health care” hate it when we discover that they really mean aborting babies, even during the hours right before birth.

And for Hunter – a guy who has divided his time between grifting bags of cash out of corrupt foreign countries and snorting crack off the bare hindquarters of hookers from many nations – I don’t think he’s going to like what gets discovered during the discovery phase. 

Speaking of lefties and their unusual sexual enthusiasms, did you hear the one about the Democrat mayor who agreed to be spanked by a drag queen to raise money for a Democrat senate candidate? 

I know, that sounds like the set up for a horrendously unfunny joke.  And I guess it is.  But it’s also a true thing that really happened.  In California.  (Surprise!)

The mayor is named Konstantine Anthony.  And you may be thinking, “Hey, maybe other than this one weird proclivity for being spanked an overweight, unattractive dude in a bad dress and worse makeup, Anthony has his head on straight, and has his act together.”

Oh, who am I kidding?  Nobody thinks that.  And everybody is right.  Because Anthony supports defunding the police, since “the instigators of crime are poverty, mental health, economic issues, drug addiction [and] the family or locale you live in.”

Which makes perfect sense.  Because who among us hasn’t had her car stolen by poverty, or his house broken into by economic issues, or his mom sexually assaulted by the locale he lived in? 

Anthony is also an avowed Marxist.  (Surprise!) So when we look at the big picture, willingly getting spanked by a chubby perv is probably the most wholesome part of Anthony’s political behavior.

The only objection I have to the veracity of any of the details reported in the story is that the writer referred to Anthony as a “low-rent Gavin Newsom.”  That label wrongly implies that there is a high-class Gavin Newsom out there somewhere, which is obviously ridiculous.

Gavin Newsom IS a low-rent Gavin Newsom. 

In another political train-wreck I wasn’t able to get to last week, NPR did a story on Biden’s Energy Secretary Jennifer Granholm (think AOC without the juicy booty – her words – or prominent choppers, and a lot older, but not one day smarter). 

It seems that Brandon’s been throwing huge piles of our tax money at American car makers to coerce them into losing billions making electric cars that most people don’t want and for which essential infrastructure doesn’t yet exist.  Also the cars require Chi-com-enriching and environmentally devastating batteries made of equal parts heavy metals and slave laborers’ tears, and they are actually powered by coal and nuclear power, since that is where we get most of our electricity.

But other than that, they’re great! 

So Biden sent Granholm on a four-day road trip this summer to show just how fantastic EVs are.

Unfortunately, the road trip didn’t take place in an NPR studio – where boys can be girls, and Marxism makes sense, and up is down – but in the real world.  Where EVs tend to run into real-world problems.  Like batteries that tend to lose energy like Hunter Biden after all of the hookers’ rear ends have been sniffed clean of cocaine. 

And like a severe shortage of reliable charging stations.  Which made for a hilarious self-own when Granholm’s small caravan of EVs – not including the most reliable models, from Tesla, because leftists are mad at Elon for supporting free speech – arrived at several stops where there weren’t enough chargers.  And some of them were broken, or too slow, or being used by American citizens who aren’t part of Her Highness Granholm’s posse.

That’s right, one of her minions arrived at a charging station early and blocked it so that she could use it when she arrived.  An American family with a small child who were prevented from charging up got mad enough to call the cops over it, and Granholm’s entire team ended up looking almost as laughably incompetent as they are.

And somewhere in DC, Mayor Pete took a break from his ongoing paternity leave for just long enough to thank Jenny G for at least momentarily bumping him out of the “most embarrassing energy-related Biden appointee” spot.

And now, as is my custom, I’ll close with a good news story, this one coming – unbelievably enough – out of Chicago! 

Regular readers will recall my praise for the internet site of Donut Operator, the hilarious former cop who posts various stories of police interactions with criminals.  He recently linked to a hugely satisfying short video of what happened when a criminal dullard tried to steal an off-duty female cop’s pistol.  (You can find it by searching “Donut Operator female cop attacked.”)

After she went out to calm down a disturbance and then turned to leave, a young thug grabbed her and tried to take her gun, snarling, “B*tch, give me that gun!”

The woman – who I am here and now nominating to be the next mayor of Chicago – immediately flipped the “tussle” switch.  She fought him for the gun while repeating what should have been a super-useful warning: “I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”

The thug, who apparently went to Chicago’s union-run public schools, replied, “You gonna have to kill me then!”

And then, in the coolest dialogue outside of an Elmore Leonard novel or a Clint Eastwood movie, the bad-arse cop lady said, “Okay, watch this.”  And she shot him.  He responded by saying, “Ow, sh*t!” and then, quickly, “I’m sorry.” 

But he continued to struggle with her, so she shot him twice more, demonstrating once again the eternal truth of the phrase, “That iron get ya’ mind right.”   

Because his next words were, “You got me, you got me.” 

To which she responded, “I told you!  I told your dumb *ss I’ll kill you.”

And he said, “Okay, okay. Dang, you shot me for real.”

Donut puts the perfect capper on the story, shrugging and saying, “Anyway, he died.”

Though the video just now came to my attention, the crime happened back in January.  And now the deceased thug’s family is suing the city of Chicago for $10 million. 

I’m not sure what their legal argument is going to be, but I hope they receive the entire zero dollars that they’re entitled to. 

Have a good weekend everybody, and don’t forget…

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Konstantine “Spanky” Anthony, 2024!

All right, no time for small talk. I’m being buried by leftist lunacy that’s not going to mock itself.  So let’s go:

I don’t know if you saw it, but last Monday a small group of lefty jackasses showed up at House Speaker McCarthy’s office to protest that conservatives are forcing them to get AIDS, or something. (I knew that Trump’s bill requiring annoying leftists to have unprotected anal sex while sharing heroin needles was going to come back and hurt us in the polls!)

Half a dozen of them forced their way in, then sat on the floor, linked arms, and prevented any government business being done there until Capitol police were called to remove them.   

There’s a word for what they did.  And no – I’m way ahead of you – it’s not “Bidenomics!”

It’s “insurrection.”  At least according to our MSM and lefty elites since January 6^th.  So I guess we should expect that they’ll all be held in solitary confinement for at least a year, after which they’ll be sentenced to a few decades in federal prison?

I’m not holding my breath.

Unless I’m within arm’s length of any member of the Biden administration.  Because those guys stink.

Also this past week, two bodies of mummified aliens were displayed with great fanfare to a Mexican congressional hearing in Mexico City.  According to the ufologist, the bodies are between 700-1800 years old, and x-rays prove that they are definitely non-human aliens.

But take that with a grain of salt, because the ufologist has also claimed in the past that a sexually promiscuous pangolin caused covid, Jeffrey Epstein killed himself, and Joe Biden never talked with Hunter about his bribe-taking business.  

Still, the Mexican pols and US news media were giddy with speculation about what we might be able to learn from dissecting the desiccated alien corpses.  

Until one of them opened its eyes, sat up, and declared that she’s running for re-election in California next year.  

“Ay, dios mio!” shouted one terrified Mexican policeman.  “It’s Imhotep Pelosi!”

“Ella es el monstruo mas grande de la historia!” shouted another.  “Silencio por favor, Martino!” 

Then Pelosi shook the other alien to wake her up, and it turned out to be Dianne Feinstein.

All I have to say about this story is that at this point, if the alien corpse being kept under wraps at Area 51 turns out to be “Cocaine” Mitch McConnell, I will be no more than mildly surprised.

In foreign policy news, the Biden administration managed to shame our nation in three different countries within the last fortnight. 

First, you may remember the Biden administration’s savvy negotiating skills from that time when they gave Russia a blood-drenched Russian terrorist named “Dr. Death” in exchange for a WNBA player no one had ever heard of (I know: I could have just said “a WNBA player”) with way more loyalty to the island of Lesbos than to America.

Well last week Biden’s Keystone Diplomacy Cops topped that, by giving Iran 5 Iranian spies and $6 billion in exchange for their releasing 5 Iranian-American hostages.  When asked by reporters whether that deal wasn’t bat-guano crazy (I’m paraphrasing), sapphic kewpie doll KJP got indignant.  “No, we’re not paying ransom!  We’re just giving billions of dollars to a terrorist nation in exchange for the release of hostages.” 

Second, Biden went to Viet Nam and stepped on one rhetorical bouncing Betty mine (look that up, and shudder) after another.  

He re-told the idiotic and garbled “dog-faced pony soldier” movie line.  He admitted that he was calling on the pre-selected subservient reporters that his staff told him to.  And when he started to ramble, they played him off stage with some soft-jazz elevator music, like he was a drunken awards show winner thanking his agent’s hairdresser’s nephew. 

And speaking of saying the quiet part out loud, when his train of thought derailed completely, he said – and I really wish I was making this up – “I tell you what, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go to bed.”

A few politicians might be able to get away with saying that.  But probably only if they were obviously joking. 

Trump could clearly pull it off. But he’d say, “I’m going to go to bed… with my supermodel wife.”   Then he’d point and shoot a finger gun at the nearest male reporter, while gender feminists in the WH press corps (i.e. all of them) would roll their eyes in disgust, and males who identify as males in the rest of the country would grin and nod.

But not our Cadaver in Chief.  He wasn’t kidding, and he wasn’t making that comment after pulling off a grueling week of 18-hour-days of deft crisis management. 

He’d just held an 18-minute press conference with nothing but pre-vetted questions.  And he was exhausted. 

Ugh.    

Then Biden went for the hat-trick on Thursday, by saddling the beleaguered Ukrainians with one more crippling obstacle, in the form of his newly appointed “special representative to rebuild the Ukrainian economy,” Penny Pritzker.

If her name sounds familiar, that’s because she’s the sister of J.B. Pritzker (D-Krispy Kreme), the Illinois Governor un-affectionately known as the “Round Mound of Unsound” (Governance). 

Before you cast doubt on Penny’s qualifications for guiding a war-torn nation’s economic recovery, you should know that she’s got a long history of making great economic decisions.  Her first one was choosing to be born to billionaire parents.  (Brilliant move!)  Later, she became the chairperson of the Superior Bank of Chicago, after which she steered the bank into the fast-paced and lucrative business of subprime mortgages. 

Annnnnd… the bank went bust, and never fully paid back its investors.  (This was 8 years before the nationwide sub-prime mortgage disaster.  Because Penny was ahead of her time.)

Not long after the bank went under, she became a big contributor to Barack Obama, and when he became president (Why, God?  Why have You forsaken us?), he appointed her US Secretary of Commerce. 

“How did that go?” you’re probably not asking, because you remember.  (Spoiler alert: all of the presidents from George Washington to George W, over 226 years, ran up a national debt of $10 trillion.  And in just 8 short years, the Obama-Pritzker juggernaut was able to double that!)

You know how if you look at aerial footage of Kiev today, you see a landscape of crumbling infrastructure and bombed out buildings, broken only occasionally by plumes of smoke rising from various craters within the ruins of a once-thriving metropolis, now devastated?

Oh, sorry. That’s what you see if you look at aerial footage of Chicago today.

Well, good luck Ukrainians, because the lady who helped her brother and an unbroken series of Democrat mayors do that to Chicago is on her way over to help you out!    

And here I am, out of space again, with half of the loony lefty stories not even touched on yet! 

But I can’t end this column without discussing the feel-good story of the week: the capture of evil multiple-murderer and illegal alien Danelo Cavalcante, two weeks after he escaped from prison in Pennsylvania.              

There’s a lot to be disgusted by in this story, for sure.  Cavalcante murdered someone in his native Brazil in 2017, before illegally coming into the US.  Luckily for him, one of our major political parties is doing everything it can to welcome a flood of illegals from all over the world.  And they could not care less if many of those illegals are violent scumbags; in fact, they’re actively thwarting all attempts to vet said scumbags and prevent their entry.  

Cavalcante repaid the idiotic ideological gift they gave him by murdering his ex-girlfriend.  He stabbed her 38 times, in front of her two young children. 

Now that he’s been recaptured, he probably won’t murder any more Americans.  But his ex is dead, her children are motherless, and our taxes will go to support him in prison for decades to come.  Because diversity is our strength! 

Also: Bidenomics!

Still, even with all of the political rot that has allowed Cavalcante to be here, and still wasting our environment’s precious oxygen, two images from this story warm my heart. 

The first is a picture taken immediately after the capture, with the murderer’s face covered in blood, and the second is of the handsome and intelligent face of Yoda, the Belgian Malinois hero dog who was the first to make contact with the criminal alien.

By means of his teeth.  When Cavalcante realized the border patrol team was close, he tried to get away, crawling through thick brush with a stolen rifle.  But Yoda tracked him through the brush and pounced.  One news account said that he “subdued” Cavalcante until the border patrol could get him cuffed.

And as every good K-9 knows, the best way to subdue a murderer is by biting him.  In the head. 

Another news story confirmed that the filthy animal was bitten by Yoda “at least once” (I hope it was many more times than once), and that his scalp wounds “were treated at the scene” (I hope by vigorously rubbing medicinal salt into them). 

Our president may be a dementia-riddled grifter and the Pritzkers disasters, but the border patrol are good guys, and Yoda is a Very Good Boy indeed!        

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Danelo “Chewy Skull” Cavalcante, 2024!

Normally, if you could trade places with me, you’d do so in a heartbeat. 

I’ve got a smoke show wife whom I had no right to able to close on, and two daughters who divide their time between saving lives and doing astrophysics while brushing off concussions the way CO brushes off lewd propositions by women other than the COW. 

Plus I’ve got a Wonder Dog, and a wizard hat and crystal brain that allow me to see the future as clearly as most people see that Joe Biden is decomposing before their very eyes. 

Not to mention my humility, which draws people to me.

But I’m currently facing a dilemma that would make all of you hesitate to be me for a day.  Because I’m in the mocking leftists bidness, and that is now a Sisyphean task! 

What am I going to do, NOT talk about hilarious Senator John Kennedy reading gay child porn in his corn pone accent to a bunch of smarmy leftist educrats who are horrified to realize that they have outed themselves as gay-child-porn-in-grade-school enthusiasts?

Am I supposed to just skip the story about the Chicago teachers’ union boss who got caught sending her own kid to charter schools, and then inadvertently said her kid is special and should get a good education, while you nobodies should be forced to send your kids to the union-controlled Malcolm X Super-Max/Junior High?

Am I not supposed to comment on NYC Mayor Eric Adams (D-lusional) ranting that the illegals who 18 months ago were our strength, and the best among us, and fully deserving of all of our taxpayer dollars they could grab are now a pestilence of Biblical proportions?  “They’re going to destroy our city!  There’s no end to this situation!  Flee for your lives, because our city is becoming a sulphurous hellscape!!”

Way ahead of you, Eric.  And we eagerly await your groveling apology for calling us racist demons when we warned you about the very situation that now has you hysterical.  You can send that formal apology – and your resignation letter – to CO HQ/ Free State of Florida.

And that’s not to mention lonely and embittered misogynist Keith Olbermann getting rhetorically pantsed by Riley Gaines, whom he mocked because she lost a swimming race to a hulking dude.  Or Biden giving a veteran an award and then just wandering away in the middle of the ceremony.

Or Que Mala, continuing to be Que Mala. 

Ugh.  I’m only one man, people.  One charming, sharp-witted role model of a man. 

So I’m going to soldier on, and do what I can do. 

I love that Biden’s show-runners’ latest attempt to propagandize on his behalf – the term “Bidenomics” – has so spectacularly blown up in their faces.  They tried to take back the term from his detractors, and they’ve managed to make it an even more blatant signifier of justified derision for their economic plan, such as it is.

Not since “Let’s Go, Brandon” has a phrase become such clear shorthand for a laughable screw-up.

So I now pledge to you that going forward, I’m going to do my best to turn that term into even more of a running joke than it already is.

If you think I’ve gone to the well too often with Imhotep Pelosi, or Juicy Booty AOC (her words, not mine) or Lizzie “Land o’ Lakes Butter Maiden” Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher), buckle up.  Because “Bidenomics” is going to become my newest, almost Tourettes-like verbal tic.    

Anyway, let’s start with football.  Because it’s football season, dammit.

We’re not going to talk about how my Bears or Gators did to start the season.  Because there’s already enough going on in this country to be sick about.

ESPN’s Football Power Index (FPI) ranks college football teams after Week 2.  And they have Texas, who beat Alabama at Alabama by 10 – at number 6, and Alabama (who you may remember just lost to Texas at home by 10) at #1. 

I know that ESPN is owned by Disney, and thus can’t distinguish between a man and a woman.  But are you telling me that they don’t understand that a team who outscores another team by 10 points should NOT be ranked above that team?   

You know what I call that kind of reasoning? 

That’s right: Bidenomics!  (Boom!)

Speaking of losers of indeterminate gender, Mitt Romney is finally retiring, just a scant dozen years after he should have.  Hey everybody, strike up the New Orleans-style parade with the kind of jazz funeral that they’re known for!  (Of course, no state is as closely associated with the Afro-Caribbean roots of New Orleans jazz as is Utah.  Hence the name of their pro NBA team.)  

The Babylon Bee headine said it best: “Democrats Scramble to Find Replacement for Retiring Mitt Romney.” 

Many of us were willing to cut Mittens some slack when he was a pol in MA, because no actual conservative can win there.  So he actually was – tragically enough – the most conservative electable person in his MA gov race.

But once he went to Utah and got elected in that deep red state and STILL acted like an MA mush?  He proved himself to be the dictionary definition of a RINO.

And by the way, everyone who is throwing around that smear term indiscriminately?  If you think that rock-ribbed conservatives like Chip Roy, Thomas Massie, or DeSantis are in the same political solar system as Romney or Dr. Oz or Liz Cheney, you need to seriously re-examine your premises.

Speaking of politically despicable hacks, the leftist prosecutor in GA wants to try Trump and codefendants on October 23, or by the spring at the latest, as do the corrupt lefties in the other cases. 

I’m no law-talkin’ guy, but I think a common sense rule should prevail: if Arse Willis in GA (she spells her first name wrong, so I’ve corrected it for her) wants to sit around for two and a half years putting a “case” together to charge Trump and his supporters, then the Trump people need to have the same amount of time to prepare their defense. 

So we’ll see you in late 2025, beeyotch.

On the same general topic, I don’t know if any of Trump’s advisors have mentioned this to him, but it would be smart for him to pay for the defense of his co-defendants.  Morally that’s true for 2 reasons:

1. All of them are in this position because they supported him and his post-election efforts, and the corrupt GA Dems are targeting them just as unfairly as they are targeting Trump.  That’s not Trump’s fault, but it’s not theirs either.  And they aren’t multi-billionaires. 

2. Paying for the little guys’ defense out of his own deep pockets would also help Trump address a weak spot of his that many people with functioning eyes have noticed, i.e. his tendency to demand loyalty while simultaneously attacking and/or throwing under the bus many members of his own administration when they’ve disagreed with him on any point, large or small.  

Well, these innocent co-defendants of relatively modest means have been nothing but loyal to him, and now they’re looking at bankruptcy and legal peril.  Trump could bolster his image re: loyalty if he would put his money where his mouth has been.  (I don’t mean that part pejoratively.  Trump has been rhetorically writing checks that – unlike most weasel politicians – he actually CAN cash.  So I hope he does so, in defense of his supporters.) 

If none of that reasoning moves him, there’s also a pragmatic reason to pitch in for their costs: if he allows the system to grind them down and bankrupt them when he could easily prevent that, the likelihood of some of them flipping on him (even if they have to lie to do so) is greatly increased.  

And that would give the Left an outrageous and undeserved win.

Okay, I’ve got to at least do a drive-by on the stories about Sen. Kennedy reading child porn and the Chicago teacher union hypocrite.  What do these stories have in common?  They both involve abuse of children.  And they both illustrate the truism that sunlight and transparency are to Democrats what a cross is to a vampire. 

(Now that I think about it, the cross is as threatening and disgusting to the elite of the national Democrat party as it is to vampires.)

If you haven’t seen the video of Kennedy reading excerpts from “All Boys Aren’t Blue” – and if you have a strong stomach and a dark sense of humor – it is must-watch tv.  That book is one of several which leftists across the country have insisted must be bought with taxpayer funds and made available to children.

But of course they NEVER name that book, or Gender Queer, or any of the others.  Because they’ve acted out a hysterical psychodrama to make us think that the books that evil conservatives are trying to “ban” are great works of Western literature.

So when septuagenarian southern grandpa John Kennedy cleared his throat and began to read through his thick grandpa glasses, it was an epic moment in the history of Senate hearings:   

“I put some lube on, and got him on his knees.  And I began to slide into…”

During the next 45 seconds – featuring more bleeped-out words than a Redd Foxx nightclub performance – it was joyous to behold the horrified leftists before him. 

They squirmed in their chairs like so many terrified Nosferati (obscure Latin plurals for the win!) trying to duck out of any random shafts of sunlight that might pierce the gloom of the hearing room, and cause their sickly flesh to begin melting and then burst into flames.

(The analogy judges would have also accepted “like the Nazis when the ark of the covenant was opened at the end of Raiders.”)

The corrupt president of Chicago’s teachers’ union similarly tried to hide her own creepiness. 

In the past Stacy Davis-Gates – who is black, so you know the black kids trapped in failing Chicago schools feel just great about being led by someone “who looks like them” – has smeared school choice advocates as “bigots,” “racists” and fascists.”  (Oh my.)

She also called private schools “segregation academies,” and “the choices of racists.”

Racists like her, as it turns out.  Because she’s been sending her son to just such a private school!  Cue the sad trombone.  (What’s that?  All public school music classes have been cut so that the schools could focus on America-hating CRT classes?  Of course.)  

But don’t worry, because she has a good reason, unlike you segregationist bigots.  She and her husband were “forced” to send her kiddo to a klan-tastic racist school “so he could live out his dream of being a soccer player” while also getting a solid curriculum.

I’m not even going to bring up the terrible parenting that results in your child dreaming of being a soccer player!  (Yuck!) But she’s here to tell you that her son has dreams. Not like your bigoted segregationist spawn, who are as racist as their deplorable parents, and are naturally dreamless. 

But she’s not done, because she knows who the real bad guys are: they’re the “same school-choice operators” who “take action to shortchange students” and “engage in fraudulent practices and provide substandard services to Black and Brown families.”

Do you need more weird capitalization?  She’s got you: “If you are a Black family living in a Black community, high-quality neighborhood schools have been the dream, not the reality.”

Boy, if only we could find the MAGA-hat wearing racists who are responsible for this tragic—

Wait a minute.  That’s YOU, Stacy!  You’re the ones with total control over Black neighborhood schools for the last century.  You’re the ones shortchanging students, engaging in fraudulent practices and providing substandard services.   

Don’t you understand what we’ve been trying to tell you for decades, Stacy?  Black Lives Matter, you hypocritical bigot! 

See, I’m at the end of another column, and I’ve barely scratched the surface. 

So here’s a few teasers for Monday:

Hang on, Ukraine, because help is on the way.  Our posthumous Prez has appointed an official US rep to your country, to take responsibility for rebuilding your economy.  Hooray!  

Also, Biden goes to Vietnam, and the results are only slightly worse than the late unpleasantness there.

Plus an EV road trip turns into a Bataan Death March into PR hell, and a leftist politician gets spanked by a drag queen, and shockingly enough, it’s not Hunter Biden.  (The spankee, I mean.  Or the drag queen.)

Bidenomics delenda est! (Boom!)

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Stacy “Lousy schools for thee but not for me” Davis, 2024!

Today I’m going to avoid the recent trend toward in-house sniping among the GOP, because while I support the best governor in these United States, the always-Trumpers are not my enemies, even though I disagree with them.

But when the left is damaging my country on every front, they need to be mocked and opposed.  And that’s what I’m here for.

I’ll start with crime in long-suffering Chicago, where Mayor (and dimwitted Tracy Morgan impersonator) Brandon Johnson has got a new leftist plan to fight crime.  And it’s called… Bidenomics!

No, wait. That’s a leftist plan to fight prosperity and economic success.  ≤begin creepy whisper≥ And guess what?  It’s working! ≤end creepy whisper≥

But Johnson’s plan is just as brilliant.  From his predecessor, Bug-Eyed River-Carp Lightfoot, he inherited a huge crime wave in general, and a skyrocketing carjacking rate in particular.  Because who could have ever anticipated that hamstringing cops and releasing criminals with no bail requirements would cause crime to explode?   

(Before you answer that, remember that many leftists are severely allergic to the law of cause and effect.  They have to wear three masks and get an unending series of vaccinations to fight off its effects.)

If you’re an old fogey who believes that people are responsible for their actions, and therefore criminals are responsible for the crimes they commit, you’re not a Chicago Democrat.  Or an idiot.  But I repeat myself.

Anyway Brandon’s on the case, and he’s identified the real culprits in this wave of carjacking.  And it’s… wait for it… the car makers! 

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?  But the City of Chicago is now suing Kia and Hyundai, because their cars “are being disproportionately stolen.” 

They’ve already tried to sue gun makers because guns are responsible for shooting people, so why not go after the cars for getting themselves stolen? 

Up next: Many shiftless crooks break into houses through windows and doors.  So expect trial lawyers (guess which political party gets the lion’s share of their lobbying money?) to sue construction companies next. 

“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, responsible builders used heavy wooden draw bridges and tiny arrow-slit windows cut into thick stone walls.  But the greedy exploiters in Big Plywood and Big Glass – don’t get us started on Big Open Floor Plan! – are more worried about their obscene profits than about the safety of homeowners in a Democrat-run hellscape like Chicago.”

After that, who knows?  A lot of slimy characters are imprisoned as serial rapists, when all they did was repeatedly rape women. 

“Your honor, I’d like to point out that in the Middle Ages, women availed themselves of cumbersome metal chastity belts, but today they are running around our streets with their nether regions negligently unprotected by anything requiring a blacksmith and a welder and a winch system to put on.  I’d also like to stipulate that my client does not even know how to operate an acetylene torch. So clearly, we are only here because his so-called ‘victims’ were traipsing around without any metal undergarments at all!” 

Ugh.  I hate to see it happen, but Chicagoans are getting what they voted for.

Speaking of karma’s bitter sting, you may have seen the story about Minnesota politician Shivanthi Sathanandan (pronounced just how it’s spelled), who was recently carjacked in her driveway and beaten by four young males in front of her two small kids.

S-Squared (I’m not typing that name over and over) is a bigshot in the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Party, and she is now outraged.  She posted a dramatic picture of her bloodied face, and an impassioned call to catch the “young people who are running wild… and HOLD THEM IN CUSTODY AND PROSECUTE THEM.  PERIOD.”

Before closing with effusive praise for the police who responded, she challenged her constituents to “Look at my face.  REMEMBER ME…”

Many Minnesotans already remembered her, from an equally impassioned tweet from just three short years ago.  In that little missive she began, “We are going to dismantle the Minneapolis Police Department.  Say it with me.  DISMANTLE. The. Minneapolis. Police Department.” 

From there she went on to tackle the root cause of the post-George Floyd crime wave: Bidenomics!

No, wait.  That’s the root cause of stagnation and sky-high interest rates and a grocery bill that requires taking out a HELOC to pay.  (Which you don’t qualify for, on account of the aforementioned high interest rates.)

The root cause of crime is, of course, racism.  (Unless it’s black-on-black crime.  Or white-on-white crime.  Or Hispanic-on-Aleut crime.  Or black-on-Hispanic, White, Asian or Aleut crime.  Etc.)

SS had already found the upper-case letter button, even three years ago.  She said that as “allies” we should “LISTEN and LEARN from our Black siblings,” whose community MPD had clearly “failed.”  She ended with a flourish: “Be LOUD.  Spread this message.  Show your support. NOW is the moment for change.”

Well, three years later it turns out that NOW is the moment to change back.  Because now she’s all about aggressive policing, with the patrolling and the arresting and the throwing away of the keys.   (Did anyone else hear a little Bill Cosby voice while reading that last sentence?)

Her post doesn’t mention the race of her attackers.  Since any crime story that features a white perp features the words “white, whiteness, white supremacy, MAGA, racism,” and “Liz Warren,” (#wemustneverstopmockingher), I’m going to assume that the thugs in this case came from the community that the MPD had FAILED.

(By the way, can you imagine the Toobin-tacular moment for the lefty Boston Globe writers when it came time to report on the criminal exploits of pale Irish mobster Whitey Bulger?!) 

But SS is still enough of a lefty that she did point the finger at the guns that the thugs carried, too.  And come to think of it, the story doesn’t mention the make or model of the car that they stole.  

But if it was one of those sexy Hyundais, with their curvaceous rear quarter panels and their come-hither leather seats…  Shame on Double-S for being part of the problem!

They say that a conservative is a liberal who’s been mugged.  But I wish my lefty friends knew that you don’t have to let your cities be destroyed, your property stolen and your loved ones violated and victimized.

You can just become conservative the same way that most of us around here did it: by getting some life experience, and thinking, and noticing what immiseration machines the various People’s Republics and big blue cities always turn into.

I’ll close with a crime story that could still have a happy ending.

The ACLU is suing the Indiana prison system after officials refused to provide “sex reassignment” surgery to a “transgender” inmate who killed “their” daughter.   That’s correct: the boneheads who have screwed up journalism have forced me to use three sets of scare quotes in one freaking sentence!

Let me provide three corrections:

1. There is no such thing as sex “reassignment” surgery.  You go into the operation as a dude with testicles, and you come out without testicles.  But you’re still a dude.  (Or possibly a Gavin Newsom.) 

2. You can’t change your gender.

3. “Their” is a plural pronoun.

In this case, the criminal is a monster who strangled his 11-year-old stepdaughter to death.  His name is Jonathan Richardson, but the “journalist” points out that he’s “also known as Autumn Cordellione.”

(Note for would-be J-school grads:  I shouldn’t be able to tell a reporter that my name is Martin Simpson, but I’m now also known as Ocelot Preckwinkle, and my pronouns are dipthong and umlaut.  You idiots.)

Jonathan is a looker, too.  He’s got a face and bald head covered with what look like amateur prison tattoos, two unconvincingly drawn-in eyebrows, and eyes that point in different directions.  (The eyes aren’t his fault.  But the brows, tats and murder rap are all on him.)

The ACLU thinks that not only should Johnny get his junk cut off, but the citizens of Indiana should have to pay for it. 

If tv has taught me one thing, it’s that when an alien hottie shows up in body paint and a silver bikini, Captain Kirk is going to have his way with her by the end of the episode.  But that’s not relevant right now.

But if tv has taught me at least two other things – and it has – it’s that the members of the incarcerated community are constantly turning random metal objects into homemade knives, and they are invariably not fond of child killers. 

(By the way, you know what societal force has caused them to be incarcerated, don’t you?  That’s right: Bidenomics!)

So after reading the tale of Johnny the They, I got out a glass and poured two fingers of what I like to call my “thinkin’ bourbon” (ahh, the brownest of the brown liquors)(Name that reference, CO nation!), and I applied my crystal brain to this conundrum.

And came up with a solution at which even the tragically bourbon-less amongst us could arrive:

The warden should escort Jonathan into the giant gen-pop area and say, “Hey everybody, this is Jonathan.  He murdered an 11-year-old girl, and he wants the state of Indiana to castrate him, but it’s not in our budget.  I’m going to turn off the security cameras now, and the guards are all going to play Angry Birds on their cell phones for 30 minutes. 

The first person to bring me Jonathan’s testicles will receive the thanks of the ACLU and the taxpayers of Indiana, and a pack of smokes.  Now get to shankin’!” 

You’re welcome, criminal law professors everywhere.

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/ Shivanthi “Hello, 911?  Forget what I said three years ago” Sathanandan, 2024!

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I’ll start today with a story that combines three of my pet peeves – white supremacists, lying leftist media, and sleazy smears of Ron DeSantis — into one Schiff-sandwich of a non-troversy.

Regular readers may remember that when my oldest daughter was a 2-and-a-half-year-old bundle of cuteness and smarts, I had already taught her to memorize three key things. 

The first was the prayer I’d say with her when tucking her into bed.  (“Now I lay Kate down to sleep/ I pray thee Lord her soul to keep/ Thy love guard her through the night/ and wake her up in the morning light.”)

(I have to admit that I’ve got a soft spot for the Old Testament/Germanic darkness of the OG version I was taught, with the line, “If I should die before I wake/I pray thee Lord my soul to take.”  Even as a child, after mom would recite that one with me and then turn off the light, I remember thinking, “What’s the over/under on me dying before I wake?  Good lord!”)

The second was the old “Which is your favorite one of Aristotle’s logical fallacies?”  (If you want the backstory to that one, you can read my amazing wedding speech for her, from last July, on my website Martinsimpsonwriting.com)

But the third one never failed to crack me up.  Whenever Katie was playing quietly in the room, or maybe just toddling through, and something happened on tv that I didn’t like – a ref blowing an easy call, a stock market dip, a bad weather forecast, etc. – I’d call out, “Who do we blame for this?”

And my adorable little offspring would sing out lustily, “The Democrats!”

I don’t care who you are: that’s just good parenting. 

But grown-up leftists do that same thing, and not as a hilarious parenting trick.  They’re serious.  If you doubt me, the next time a couple of lefties are walking by, call out, “Oh crap!  What do we blame for this?”

And they’ll stop and ask if it involves the weather or not.  If you say it does, they’ll say, “Climate change!”  If you say it doesn’t, they’ll say, “White supremacy!”

Unfortunately for the left, their demand for white supremacists far outstrips the actual supply.   Of course white supremacists do exist.  But just like asexual, Marxist, Biden-admiring furries, they are a repugnant affront to the senses, and there are very, VERY few of them.

You may remember Charlottesville, where to hear the MSM tell it, hordes of white supremacists came from the far corners of the globe to engage in a veritable gotterdammerung of racist violence. 

Translation: after a 6-month propaganda blitz by the most prominent supremacists calling on all racists to come to their gathering, only a few hundred trolls and homunculi (out of a nation of 330 million people) showed up.  They marched around with torches and chanted slogans as ignorant as those of antifa and BLM, and one idiot hit and killed a woman with his car. 

And yet our execrable MSM still evokes the horrors of Charlottesville (or January 6^th, for that matter) in the same trembling tones once reserved for a dirigible explosion.

In this context, the left loves nothing more than when a handful of morons creep out of their mommies’ basements in their home-made uniforms and hand-drawn swastikas and puts on a pathetic demonstration. (Because a guy who ran a socialist workers’ party in Germany was a typical right-winger.  Got it?)        

So when around 35 such losers marched in Altamonte Springs, FL last Saturday, the MSM was all over it.  A few local Dems laughably claimed the cosplay Nazis (aka the German national socialist workers’ party) represented the ominous and growing rightwing threat to Florida posed by… members of a socialist workers’ party. 

But Rolling Stone – which believe it or not, used to be a magazine that covered popular music, before it became a left-wing rag dedicated to shaving IQ points off of its dwindling number of readers – out-smeared the local Dems.

The Stoners wrote a hit piece and pimped out a quick tweet claiming, “’We’re all DeSantis supporters!’ one marcher shouted.” 

But they were stupid enough to link to the video of the marcher saying those words.  And unfortunately for them, the video clearly showed that the words were a sarcastic response to a question trying to link them to DeSantis. 

Another subtle clue: moments later the same marcher yelled, “F*** Ron DeSantis!” while others cheered.  They later called DeSantis “a joke.”

In fact, one of the supposed leaders of the dopes – at least he was willing to show his face, and he gave his name as Christopher Pohlhaus – blew up the Dems’ narrative.  (Spoiler alert: Rolling Stone didn’t report this part.)  Pohlhaus ranted about “capitalism” and “billionaires” (is he a Bernie bro?), in addition to attacking Jews. (Ok, maybe not.) (Then again, considering Bernie’s trendy secular-left anti-Israel position, maybe so.)   

When asked about the presidential race and whether he would vote in 2024 – you know the young lefty with the microphone was holding his breath, praying to hear DeSantis’ name – Pohlhaus said, “My vote is useless.  I think Biden is better than Trump, because he sends rockets to Ukraine.” 

Cue the sad trombone, and turn off the microphone and the camera crew’s lights.

Speaking of evil race hoaxes, I have a story from America’s politically dysfunctional top hat. 

You may remember that several years ago, Canada was full of lurid stories that the Catholic Church had carried out “tens of thousands” of murders and burials of indigenous children at residential schools during the 19^th and early 20^th centuries.

For the Christophobic and whitey-hating left, this story was too good to check. Every lefty pol from Justin “blackface” Trudeau on down started fanning the flames of racial and religious hatred, as is their wont.  When a few people used ground-penetrating radar to locate “anomalies” which they said were mass graves, the government started calling for millions in reparations.

They also began a campaign of harassment of Christians and other non-sufferers of CRIS (cranial-rectal inversion syndrome), in some instances hounding them out of their jobs.  (You may remember a similar recent phenomenon in this country, when those with the temerity to suggest that a new virus might not kill 98% of the human population, and that maybe lockdowns, masks and vaccines didn’t work, were also shouted down and driven from polite society.)

Worse, many people naïve enough to trust the Canadian MSM were inspired to show off their virtue by vandalizing and/or burning between 60 – 85 Canadian churches.  

Fast forward to today, and many recent excavations have been undertaken at the suspected “mass burial” sites.  And apparently “anomalies” is Latin for “something other than dead indigenous kids.”  Because searchers have found not tens of thousands of corpses, or even thousands of corpses or dozens of corpses.

The number of bodies found to date?  Zero.

Does that mean that no indigenous people were killed in Canada in the last century and a half?  No.

Some certainly were killed, possibly by evil white folks, but also possibly by other indigenous tribes, such as the one led by Lizzie Warren’s great-great-grandsquaw “Howling Wench,” who reportedly had a temper as prominent as her cheekbones.  (#wemustneverstopmocking her).    

C’mon Canadians.  We used to make fun of you for being blandly nice, but lately you’ve turned into a bunch of totalitarian jerks, and we already have enough of those, north of Richmond.

Finally, I’ve got to discuss the most horrific week endured by a leftist bonehead this year.  And that’s counting Biden’s debacle in Hawaii!

Philip Bump is a political hack who writes analysis for the Washington Post.  If you’ve never heard of him, you’re lucky, because he’s the kind of guy who puts the “anal” in “political analyst.”   And yesterday he stepped on another rhetorical rake.

When foundations created in the names of 13 former presidents released a generic letter saying, “We reaffirm our commitment to the principles of democracy undergirding this great nation,” Bump put out a tweet claiming, “Fourteen presidents indirectly called out Trump’s threat to democracy today.  Thirteen former presidents signed a letter.  The current one released an ad.”

Bump was immediately mercilessly mocked, since there are only 6 presidents alive today – and that’s if you count Biden as “alive.”  If you go back 13 presidents, you get to Eisenhower.  And he’s no more capable of signing a letter – or putting out an ad – than Biden is. 

But that wasn’t even close to the most mock-worthy mistake that Bump made this week.  Because he went on a podcast with a comedian named Noam Dworman who had asked for someone to defend Biden on the issue of corruption.

Over the course of an hour – after first flattering Bump about how his name had come up as one of the smartest guys writing on that kind of political issue – Dworman dismantled one Bump claim after another.  But still, Bump kept grinding on. (HA!)

After Bump had repeated the risible talking point that while Hunter might be bent, there is NO evidence that Joey Gaffes did anything corrupt, Dworman went for the jugular with the simplest, most common sense question: “What do you take from Hunter’s text message to his adult daughter, ‘I have to give 50% of my income to pop?”

You have to watch and listen to what follows to really appreciate Bump’s self-immolation.  He talks faster and faster, and his voice takes on a whiny tone suggestive of what would happen if Joy Behar and Beta O’Rourke had a baby.  (Sorry for that mental image.)

But here’s a partial transcript:   

Bump: “I have NO idea what that means.  I don’t.  I have no idea what that means.” [Sidebar: None of the words in Hunter’s quote are longer than two syllables, and the meaning of his statement is obvious to even the dullest of dullards, such as AOC or Que Mala.]

Dworman:  But what could it mean?

Bump: I have no idea.  I don’t know.

By the end, as Dworman presses the most obvious question, Bump says that he feels like Dworman is trying to get him to leave.  Finally Dworman has had enough, saying, “Is this the way the WaPo handles people who disagree with them?”

And Bump starts to melt into the floor like the wicked Hillary of the West, saying, “Yeah, when I agree to be on for 45 minutes and then I get on for an hour and 15…”

Dworman shakes his head in disgust and says, “Go, go.”

And the poor schmuck pulls off his headset in relief.  And Bump goes into the night. (HA!)   

You really need to watch that video to get the full, cringy schadenfreude of it all.

You know it’s bad when even Jeffrey Toobin was like, “Dude, that is one humiliating piece of video!”

Biden delenda est!

“Dr.” Jill Biden/Philip “speed” Bump, 2024!