Hey, you know who’s a terrible person?
Whoa, whoa, don’t everybody talk at once. All right, considering the news lately, that was a bad way to start a column. (But yes, all of the people you named just now – either out loud or in your head – fit the description.) So let me try again.
Megan Rapinoe continues to prove that she’s a terrible person.
You might not remember her from her soccer playing (because soccer is totally non-memorable), but you probably remember her whining about how Big Soccer is totally sexist for not paying female players the same as male players.
You also might remember that after she ended her career by tearing an Achilles while she was walking on soft grass with nobody within 10 yards of her, she drew a theologically stupid moral from that story (God does not exist), rather than the obviously correct one (God is hilarious!).
Now that she’s safely retired, she’s pushing the anti-woman idea that “trans-women” (i.e. mentally ill or creepy men) should be allowed to play women’s soccer.
Think about that. She couldn’t take a quiet walk on a nice lawn without shredding her Achilles, but she wants to shame other women into going toe-to-toe with hulking male power forwards or kick-strikers. (Yes, life is too short for me to spend a single minute researching what actual positions exist in soccer.)
But in her defense, if she would come out of retirement to play one game against men and get her arse thoroughly kicked…I might watch that one soccer game.
Speaking of obnoxious, sexually confused weirdos, if you haven’t seen the video of a “transgender” dude trying to shame a large black employee in a Texas Dollar General store for “misgendering” him, you need to do so immediately.
When the deranged customer starts recording the guy, he responds by rolling his eyes and pulling out his own phone and narrating the events, starting with, “This fella’s giving me a hard time because their card’s declined—” after which the cry-bully starts swearing and leaves, promising, “You’re going to lose your job, sir.”
First, I don’t disparage anybody’s job, when they’re working a low-status but honest job, paying their taxes and contributing to society. Especially when compared to life-long welfare recipients, college kids getting worthless degrees paid for by school loans they expect Biden to “forgive” later (in other words, as previously stated, “life-long welfare recipients”), or MSM talking heads pulling down multimillion dollar salaries as professional liars, anybody working at Dollar General is making a great contribution to society.
But that being said, I don’t think “You’re going to lose your job!” to a guy at Dollar General is quite the terrifying threat that this narcissist cosplayer thinks it is.
Second, if we’re going to grade events that bring shame upon you, I’m not sure that “dude dressing like a woman and throwing a hissy fit” is any worse than “your credit card was turned down at Dollar General.”
One commenter won the day: “Bro put the ‘trans’ in ‘trans-action declined.’”
If you’re ever in this employee’s position, I have some fantastic advice for you. (When I’m out not being called a hilarious genius, I’m often called a hilarious guru.)
If you are ever confronted by a sexually confused guy raving at you in public about how he’s really a woman, just do what I do. Hold both of your arms out in front of you, palms up and facing the hysteric, and in a quiet and soothing voice, say, “Just calm down, sir.”
Works every time, and you’re welcome.
The most aggravating story of this week has been the persistent campus pro-Hamas “protests” that blue-state officials and administrators have allowed to go on for way too long. One highlight was Ilhan Omar’s daughter getting suspended, and then getting even more entertaining in her drama-queen over-reactions.
She was given some time on MSNBC (because of course she was) to whine about the many ways in which she and her anti-Semitic genocide-enthusiasts are the real victims. When she was suspended, for example (after only a half-million warnings), she was left without any food or a place to stay.
She said that the pushback against her side’s threatening actions was “hypocritical” because “every single protest that we have, there’s a group of counter-protestors who bring all of their their items, their flags and things like that.”
Got that? If her group brings their pro-terrorism flags and banners, and protests, that’s great. But if people who disagree with her do the same, they’re hypocrites. (Talk about the pot calling the kettle Somalian!)
She also repeatedly accused the evil Jewish counter-protestors of having used “chemical weapons” against the peaceful jihad-supporters. Hilariously enough, it turns out that the “chemical weapons” in question was actually “fart spray.” You’ll not be shocked to hear that no one was burned, hospitalized or killed from the malodorous crime against humanity.
(Rumors that Eric Swalwell was seen in the encampment at the time of the incident have not been confirmed.)
Not content to be out-dumbed by the offspring of Omar’s allegedly incestuous relationship with her brother, AOC gave her a run for her money in a hysterical tweet about Columbia’s “horrific decision” to request NYPD help to deal with the lawbreakers. She was especially juicy-bootie-hurt (her words, not mine) because “counter-terrorism units” were deployed with the cops.
Yes, it’s truly “horrific” to have the cops come when people are breaking dozens of laws, and why would anyone use counter-terrorism cops against unruly supporters of terrorism? It’s a world gone mad!
But even among the crowds of morons seemingly besetting our society on all sides, there is still an upbeat story in the newest “Celebration of Excellence” category, and this one is an exception to a rule for me.
I’m not usually one for tinkering with things that aren’t broken. I wish I could still buy a car with a metal key and crank-up windows, because a metal key never has a dead battery and the crank isn’t broken.
And I don’t understand attractive young people who say, “I’ve got this great body that God gave me, with amazing curves and pristine, unblemished skin. So let me cover it all with tattoos, causing people to guess which biker gang I joined and where I did my time.
And as regular readers – and all those with discernment and good judgment – know, there are few creatures on earth that are less broken, and less in need of tinkering, than dogs. And I’m not just saying that because I own Cassie the Wonder Dog, or because I’m personal friends with the amazing Aussie-Whisperer, COSE.
But this might be the rare time when I could possibly be wrong. Because I just read a story in the Daily Mail about the Thermonator, which is “the first ever flamethrowing robot dog!”
It’s made by a company in Ohio (USA! USA!), weighs about 37-pounds, features a variety of sensors and cameras, and carries a flamethrower on its back capable of “shooting a jet of fire up to 30 feet.”
And it’s only $9420!
Right now I imagine that most female readers are rolling their eyes. But all of my male readers are saying either, “Yes, please!” or “RO-BOT DOG! RO-BOT DOG!” and high-fiving each other.
The company has a video of the Thermonator in action (I give it 5 stars), along with their sales pitch, which claims that the mechanical beast can be used for “entertainment, wildfire control, agricultural management, and ice removal.”
They had me at “entertainment.” Because I’ve got a great idea for that.
With fast enough shipping, I can receive my flamethrowing robot dog this weekend – I’m already in the process of explaining to my wife that we can’t afford NOT to buy a flamethrowing robot dog – and race for New England.
The next thing you know, I’ll be parked on the edge of an Ivy League campus where the pro-Hamas loons have set up their Jew-hater tents, reading the manual (“Congratulations on your purchase of the Thermonator 3000…”) to figure out how to set the flamethrower on “roast.”
Do you think any of the Hamas-niks double-majoring in grievance studies and America hatred would get the Shakespeare reference if I yelled, “Cry havoc, and let slip the flamethrowing robot dog of war!” before I released the Thermonator?
Or I could just stick to the old standard…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 