Thinking About Governmental Job Losses (posted 3/3/25)

Before I get to my main topic, I have to note that on Saturday, CA Gov and featureless-plastic-crotch-having human-Ken-Doll Gavin Newsom (D)elinquent, declared a “state of emergency” for brush clearance due to wildfire danger. 

Which came as a much-appreciated warning to the residents of Pacific Palisades…except that the brush around their houses has already been cleared. 

By an enormous fire. 

Which also consumed their houses. 

Months ago.

Newsom would be a big hit in farm country, where I grew up.  He could walk up to farmhouses and holler through the screen door.  “Your horse escaped two days ago, and he’s just been seen three counties away.  So close your barn door immediately!  You’re welcome.”

And then he could try to make it off the property before the farmer or his wife could load the shotgun with rock salt.     

As you may have noticed, I’ve been having some fun lately mocking many of the government workers who have been getting laid off or fired, and deservedly so, including the treacherous deep-state “resistance” types, and corrupt leadership in the FBI, the military and elsewhere.

In Friday’s column, I mocked the disordered pervs at the NSA who spent their work hours on message boards talking about their polycules (don’t ask), the joys of castration (please, don’t ask!) and how good it feels to have one’s an*s lasered (for the love of all that is holy, DON’T ASK!!)    

But reader Jon Michael Watson – thanks for sharing the column, Jon – made a good point.  He said that while it is “proper that these lost and fallen gov’t employees are no longer sucking up taxpayer dollars,” many government workers are good people doing good work, and are getting tarred with the same brush.  (I paraphrased a bit, but I think I fairly summarized his meaning.)

Jon’s point is well taken, and worth remembering.  We all know that our national debt is unsustainable, and deep spending cuts are going to have to be made to avert a future economic collapse.  But those cuts are going to hurt some real people, and it’s a bad look to be gleeful about everybody losing their jobs.

“Martin,” you might be saying, “aren’t you being a hypocrite by saying that, especially after your world-class, hilarious send-up of the NSA kink ring last Friday, which should probably win a Nobel Prize for political humor, if only there were such a thing?”

First, who am I to fly in the face of public opinion on that second part? 

But re: hypocrisy, I plead guilty to a lesser count.  Is there such a thing as misdemeanor-level negligent hypocrisy?

At my sentencing, I would raise some extenuating circumstances to try to mitigate my sentence.

First, the corrupt legacy media has promoted a disgusting double standard about layoffs that enrages many of us normal folks.  When Biden killed the Keystone pipeline and the border wall on his first day in office, over 50,000 blue-collar American workers lost their jobs, and the MSM wrote zero stories sympathizing with their plight.

When some workers vented about their lost jobs, the Dem talking heads and elitist j-school snobs told them to “learn to code.”

But now those same dishonest hacks are running one story after another about every fired government employee trudging into the parking lot carrying a cardboard box.  And they’re casting every one of them as assiduous martyrs who were just about to find a cure for cancer, or else arranging for a parachute drop of food that would have saved starving orphan amputees in a Third World country that you couldn’t even find on a map, you ignorant capitalist pig!

Whereas I am at least trying to point out that there’s a difference between government employees doing legitimate work, and covens of polymorphously perverse loons who “work” from home. 

If by “work” you mean “organize leagues to play rectal laser tag.”      

By the way, that reminds me of Three Fundamental Life Rules that rank just below the 10 Commandments in their usefulness:

1. Never play pool for money with a guy who carries his own cue in a custom case. 

2. Never try to scatter a loved one’s ashes into the sea if the wind is blowing toward you.

3. There are no winners in rectal laser tag.

Where was I?  Oh yeah.

In all seriousness, I think the Trump team should be sympathetic to most people who lose their jobs because of the necessary cuts that are coming.  They can still expose and troll all of the idiotic DEI boondoggles and corrupt waste, but if they look gleeful about normal workers getting fired, they’ll do unnecessary political damage to the cause.

I’ve seen a few early signs of this in my own life.  About three weeks ago, my wife got an email saying that her job is being looked at as one that might be going away.  She works with a regional team of health professionals focusing on treating and preventing the spread of TB; because her work is funded only partly by our state, and the rest by the CDC, some job losses may be in the offing.

In the big picture, this is almost certainly a good sign for our nation.  Because while we hadn’t wiped out TB the way we had polio or smallpox, by around 50 years ago we’d contained it to a very small number of outbreaks and cases.  The resurgence of TB in recent decades has been coincident with large numbers of illegals crossing our borders.  If Trump is able to deport the lion’s share of illegals, the threat of TB will recede, and the feds will need to spend less on fighting it.  Again: a good thing for the country.

But yes, it would be more convenient for us if my wife’s group continued to work to counter outbreaks until the deportation process succeeds, and her job is made (happily) unnecessary.  She was already planning to retire in two years, by which time we would have paid off one of our rentals and the majority of another.  If her job does end this year, she would lose the income of her two final, highest-earning years, which would be less than great.

But we both know we are very lucky. We have saved enough and are close enough to retirement that the loss of two years’ salary will cause a little pain, but nothing like the upheaval and stress that younger and less financially stable workers will experience.   

Of course, we are happy Trump voters and love what he’s doing, but it’s also easier for us to support Trump and DOGE’s necessary efforts, because we see the big picture, and our sacrifices will be relatively minor ones.   But we shouldn’t overlook the fact that the great, long-term benefits are going to produce some pain and disruption in the short term.  And that it’s natural for even Trump supporters to sour when necessary job cuts hit them.    

Because we in CO Nation are decent people – and also because we want to do well in the midterms and in 2028! – we should be careful not to let our joy over the downfall of DEI, deep-state bad actors, and biological males stomping girls in sports, bleed over into celebrating the collateral damage caused by our long-delayed need to cut our shamefully bloated federal government and national debt.  

We should be as empathetic and kind to our fellow citizens who lose their government jobs as the leftists were callous and condescending to the pipeline and border wall workers who lost theirs. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to work on this Wednesday’s column lambasting Hamas and sticking it to Jake Tapper.

Hamas delenda est!

I Won’t Miss the AP, or Joy Reid (posted 2/27/25)

Well, we’re back from Tennessee, and as usual the firehose of ridiculous political news has not let up.  So I’ve got a column today, with another one to follow tomorrow.

First though, I read all the comments on my Monday column, but didn’t have time to respond to them.  But I appreciate all of the kind words, and am glad that my Yosemite bathroom scenario landed.  However, I did not mean to impugn the fine people in the Master Locksmiths community! 

On the contrary, I intended to poke a little gentle fun at the hysterical leftists who are suggesting that firing one man with one bathroom key at Yosemite has caused our entire national park system to collapse.

One other bit of business: I have to give a shout out to Robert Desmond and Frederick Beal, two of the finest Americans in this or any other generation. 

Am I saying that just because they hit my Tip Jar hard last week?  (Which can be found at my webpage, Martinsimpsonwriting.com.) 

Maybe.  But I also like the cut of their respective jibs, and believe that they’ve demonstrated the kind of class and taste that should be a model for us all.  Not to mention their fantastic discernment when it comes to how to spend their political-humor-column dollar.  I thank and salute you, Desmond and Beal! (And though I’m no career counselor, that would make a hell of a law or accounting firm name.  Or possibly a regionally popular folk music duo.)

Okay, on to the cavalcade of imbeciles on the left over the last several days…

I’ve enjoyed watching the AP getting their gender nonbinary onesies over their heads and throwing a tantrum because Trump is keeping them out of the White House press conferences and off of Air Force One until they call the former Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. 

And because this is 2025 in America, when lefties throw a tantrum, it means crying in court.  The AP took their complaint to a District Court judge, who ordered an expedited consideration of their lawsuit, while refusing to give them an immediate TRO.    

My first instinct on hearing Trump’s name change for the Gulf was that it was a funny trolling of the left – what’s good for Comrade Goose is good for Commissar Gander, after all – but that it was also kind of silly.  But now that I’ve seen the left’s reaction to it, the idea has grown on me.

AP has insisted that they won’t bend the knee to Trump on this.  Or, I guess, bend the tongue?  (For anyone who just made up their own Kamala-interviews-with-Willie-Brown joke, grow up!) 

(Also: HA!)

Many people may feel like Trump is bullying AP by trying to coerce their use of his preferred language.  But I’ve had long experience with the AP, and that experience leads me to a different conclusion.

Regular readers may remember that I was an English professor for 30 years, before I retired to go into full-time hilarious genius-ing for CO Nation.  During much of that time, I used an influential citation and reference work called The AP Style Guide, which set standard usage rules for writers in many fields and majors.  As a young prof, many of my department-dictated syllabi required that students buy the AP guide. 

But as I gained seniority, wisdom and perspicacity – and the ability to throw around words like “perspicacity” – I also got more control over my syllabi and reading lists.  And I stopped requiring students to buy the AP guide.  Because it became more and more politically tendentious and hectoring. 

(I know: pretty perspicacious use of both “tendentious” and “hectoring,” right?  You’re not going to hear those in one of AOC’s or Aunty Maxine Waters’ low-IQ rants.)

Anyway, my point is that AP loves shaming and coercing undergrads into repeating their preferred terminology, using the threat of a lower GPA to force them into a twisted game of “Stalin Says.”  (It’s like “Simon Says,” but with more totalitarian humorlessness.)

The AP guide says that when writing about races of people, you must capitalize the first letter of “Black,” but keep the lower case for “white.”  It also decrees that illegal aliens should be called “undocumented,” that mothers be called “birthing persons,” and that gender denying mutilations be called “gender affirming care.”  

Also according to the AP, we’ve always been at war with Eastasia, and war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength.

Oddly enough, AP has happily gone along with various past examples of political name changes, including agreeing to call Mt. McKinley “Denali,” the nation of Turkey “Turkiye,” and Kiev  “Kyiv.”

But I guess it’s (D)ifferent when Trump is the one making the name change.

I’m looking forward to seeing how this childish resistance ends.  Will the AP stubbornly consign themselves to forever sitting and pouting at the media kiddies’ table, rather than submit to the mean orange man the way they force cowed undergrads to submit to them?

Or will they finally surrender?  If so, I hope that Trump really rubs it in.  I picture him standing in front of a map of the northern hemisphere with a pointer in his hand, tapping one re-named feature after another. 

Trump (pointing to the former Greenland): What’s this called?

AP (mumbling): Trumpland.

Trump (tapping Canada): And this?

AP: the 51st state, America’s Evil Top Hat

Trump (tapping the former Denali): And this?

AP: Mt. McKinley

Trump (tapping a spot in South Dakota):  And this?

AP: Mount Trumpmore

Trump (tapping the Gulf): And this?

AP (staring at their shoes and muttering): The Gulf of America.

Trump (cupping a hand behind his ear):  I can’t hear you.

AP (louder): The Gulf of America!

Trump:  That’s better.  Now bend over, and I’m going to give you one stroke on the seat of your pants with this pointer for every day you got that wrong.

And, scene.   

I’ve got time for one more brief note, and it’s the feel-good story of the week: the firing of whitey-hating bile spewer, Joy Reid by MSNBC. 

You may remember Reid as the mean-spirited racial arsonist who gleefully sneered about “the white tears” of unfairly prosecuted people like Kyle Rittenhouse, non-violent J-6ers, and Catholic abortion protestors.    

My smokeshow wife (of Norwegian descent) remembers Reid mostly as a culturally appropriating scammer who adopted an unconvincing version of the blonde hair proudly worn by her Viking ancestors.  (“My culture is not your costume!” she may have shouted at our tv.) 

Reid’s show, like much of the pap on MSNBC and CNN, has taken a huge drop since the election, losing more than half of its already pathetic audience.  On one hand that makes sense, since getting so thoroughly stomped in an election would naturally depress her viewers. 

On the other hand, I think the kind of dead-enders who would still be watching Reid’s program before 11/5 would be motivated mostly by race-hatred, bitterness and incipient mental illness anyway, all of which she has catered to after the election as much as she did before.

Most leftist talking heads – as well as Reid herself – blamed… wait for it… racism and sexism for her firing.

Unexpectedly!

But you’d think that her latest horrifically low ratings would give even those blockheads pause.  Because in a nation of around 330 million people, Reid has recently had 59,000 viewers in the key demo of 18-49 year olds. 

59,000!  On what passes for a major tv network!  By comparison, on the slowest of nights, the RDN (Ring Doorbell Network) captures 100K viewers, and a recent two-part special entitled, “Latex vs Oil-Based?” on the WPDN (Watching Paint Dry Network) was seen by 70K viewers.  

Reid’s final show was the only must-see tv she ever participated in, and then only because she actually cried in the final moments before well-deserved obscurity descended upon her like J.B. Pritzker descending on a giant ice-cream cake. (#putdownthatcomicallyoversizedturkeyleg) 

I’m too much of a gentleman to mock Reid’s “black tears.”  In fact, she might have actually been comforted to see the white tears I cried as MSNBC tossed her under the garbage truck that Trump drove to one of his campaign events. 

Until she realized that those were white tears…of laughter.

Hamas delenda est!

Loving the First Month of Trumpkrieg™, Despite a Few Stumbles (posted 2/21/25)

I’m up in Tennessee now — with the wife, one daughter and the Wonder Dog — visiting my mom, while my sister and her hubby are taking a well-deserved trip. We drove up on Tuesday, and got to see two brief snowfalls since we got here, which partially made up for it being too cold to take mom out for walks in and around town.

Regular readers may remember that my mom has Alzheimer’s, and she’s experiencing the gradual sliding involved in that disease. We have to remind her many times each day that this is her home, and we won’t be leaving until after my sister gets back home, and she’ll never be alone.

But she’s still got her sweet disposition, and she loves to laugh, and the stories that I tell her about her and my dad and our lives together never fail to delight her. Some of them she remembers, and enjoys the remembering. Some of them she doesn’t, but even with those, there’s a special grace in the way she experiences them for the first time, each time.

While we’ve been enjoying our time with her, the world has continued to turn, and the Trumpkrieg™ continues apace. But Trump has finally taken a few wrong steps, IMHO. His pick for Sec Labor seems to be a hostile lefty; while I think her nomination is a mistake, it’s a minor one, because if she behaves in office the way she has before, I think Trump will fire her pretty quickly.

More seriously, I’m surprised by the way he’s handling the Ukraine situation. I know that Zelensky has been acting a little too entitled lately, and Ukraine has had corruption problems that pre-date this war. But I admire Zelensky’s guts – when Biden’s first instinct was to offer him a flight out of the country after Putin invaded, he said he wanted to stay and fight, and I’ve generally got a soft spot for Davids taking on Goliaths.

So while I think that Trump rightly wants to pressure both sides to take an off ramp that will end the war, it sucks that Putin is going to gain some land when the dust settles, necessary though that may be. Whatever Zelinsky’s flaws, they pale in comparison to Putin’s evil invasion, and Trump’s claims that Ukraine started the war are idiotic. By coming down so unfairly hard on Ukraine, he’s also strengthening Putin’s negotiating hand, a misstep that sharply contrasts with Trump’s usually skillful application of pressure.

Still, having said all of that, Trump’s first month has been amazingly successful. With Kash Patel’s confirmation, he’s rounded out a cabinet of downhill runners that promises more victories to come, and more Democrat malfeasance to be revealed.

And holy cats, are the Dems ever continuing to play right into his hands, and hitching their wagons to one unpopular cause after another! They’re trying to elicit sympathy for illegal gang-bangers getting deported, and IRS agents getting laid off. They valorize corrupt, soft-insurrectionist bureaucrats who publicize their own resignations in a vain attempt to cast insubordination as righteous self-martyrdom. (This isn’t an airport, drama queens – you don’t have to announce your departure. Just cram your participation trophies into cardboard boxes and go!)

Trump’s filling his roster with alpha dogs and apex predators, and the Dems are fielding pencil necks, white squaws (#wemustneverstopmockingher) and wet-behind-the-ears non-binary they/thems like Lil’ Davy Hogg!

And the self-beclowning self-owns! The glorious, hilarious, oblivious self-owns!

Al Sharpton – the walking embodiment of “unfit for any office” – actually sounded outraged when he asked the dozens of MSNBC viewers to imagine what Madison or Jefferson would think of Trump’s attempt to “overthrow the government!”

Nevermind the difference between “fixing” and “overthrowing.” Sharpton wants his listeners to recoil in horror at the thought of our Founders’ disgust at someone trying to revolt against a government. Why, that kind of terrible behavior could even lead to a war!

Some might call such a hypothetical war… and I’m just spit-balling here… a “revolutionary” war!

Who wants to tell the desiccated, un-revered un-reverend?

And that wasn’t even the stupidest attack attempt of the week! That dishonor goes to poor Margaret Brennan, who by now has been publicly depantsed more often than AOC at a Miss Juicy Booty contest. (Her words, not mine.)

When Brennan wanted to grab the “20” end of an 80-20 issue by taking the “anti-” position on free speech, she chose the stupidest historical example that anyone could possibly pick.

While interviewing Marco Rubio, she seemed bothered that JD Vance had called Europeans out on their hostility towards free speech, especially since he did so while he was in Germany. She noted that Vance “was standing in a country where free speech was weaponized to conduct a genocide,” and closed her question with the insulting assertion that Vance’s delivery of the speech in Germany “changed the tone [of his message]. And you know that.”

Ugh. Ignorant and condescending is no way to go through life, Marge.

Margaret thinks the Nazis weaponized free speech. Now I don’t know if you’re a history buff, but…do you have to be a history buff for that to sound a little strange to you?

Like most middle-aged straight guys, I’ve read a lot about WWII. And I don’t remember the part when Hitler was constantly vexed by the vibrant German-Jewish press, with their kvetching about his pogroms, and their strongly worded op-eds pushing for him to build fewer death camps. Right up until the end of the war, the Berlin Kosher Press was a thorn in Hitler’s side.

Or that’s the way it happened in Margaret’s imagination. But in the real world, the Nazis were actually pretty skilled at weaponizing one thing.

[Begin Sam Kinison filter] WEAPONS!! OH! OHHHHHHHH!! [end Kinison filter]

Stuka dive bombers early on, the first jet fighter plane at the end of the war, and the V-1 and V-2 rockets. Innovative U-boat wolf pack tactics, and tank designs like the Panther, Tiger and King Tiger. The Nazis were whiz kids when it came to weaponizing weapons. But a free, candid and open exchange of ideas?

Not so much.

In fact, I saw several stories that noted the reality, i.e. that the Weimar government (preceding Hitler’s rise) had very restrictive speech codes that they used against the nascent Nazi party, including preventing Hitler and Goebbels from speaking publicly for several years.

Ironically, those speech restrictions helped Hitler to rise. Many Germans wondered what these Nazis were saying that so antagonized the government, and being censored gave them a frisson of forbidden attraction. A famous Nazi propaganda poster showed Hitler with tape over his mouth, capitalizing on the idea that he was being kept down by the censors.

And of course, as soon as they gained power, the Nazis doubled down on the speech restrictions, killing or driving out any publishers or journalists who criticized Nazism.

The truth is that the Nazis weaponized speech restrictions to help them gain power, and then weaponized speech repression to help them hold onto power. Just like the Biden administration. (And no, I’m not saying that the Dems are as bad as the Nazis.) (And not just because the Nazis were competent.)

So pull up your pants and take a seat, Margaret!

On second thought, you keep doing you, Ms. Brennan.

But make sure that you’re always wearing clean undies, because the American people are going to be seeing a LOT of them over the next four years.

#mooningMargaret

Hamas delenda est!

Turn the EOs into Laws, Settle the Filibuster, + David Hogg Bellies up to the Trough (posted 2/17/25)

Regular readers know that I am enjoying the Trumpkrieg™ as much as anybody. But I’m concerned that I haven’t heard much about following up the quick and easy victories of Executive Orders by pushing bills that will codify them into law. (I know, EOs are neither as quick nor easy as they should be, since the left has an army of biased judges who can temporarily delay their implementation. But I’m confident that they will still be enacted relatively quickly.)

I love the bracing effect of a volley of EOs unleashed on Biden’s legacy, like the first fusillade sent down range against the enemy after a besieged Marine unit receives fresh ammo in the middle of a battle.

But EOs alone produce a “sugar high” that quickly dissipates. In 2017 Trump wiped away a bunch of Obama’s EOs. (And there was joy and rejoicing amongst right-thinking people!) Then Biden wiped away Trump’s EOs in 2021. (And darkness descended.) And now Trump is returning the favor.

Since anything done by EOs can be undone by them, we need to move quickly to pass laws, especially in areas where we’ve got the “80” position on an 80/20 issue. Use the same EO language to pass laws banning men from women’s sports, locker rooms and prisons, for example.

Then, when the Dems take back the White House (shudder), rather than just signing an EO that lets men start beating women in sports and raping them in prisons again, the Dem president (shudder) will have to go to the American people and say, “Let’s let the dudes back into women stuff.”

Good luck with that, hypothetical future Democrat president! (hypothetical shudder)

In some cases, we might not need this. For example, the EO on birthright citizenship is heading to SCOTUS, and they could rule correctly, giving the ban the force of law going forward.

But I’m still a belt-and-suspenders guy: even if SCOTUS might do the right thing eventually, it would be nice to try to pass a law explicitly ending birthright citizenship. Even if it didn’t pass the first time, getting a bunch of Dems on record opposing it would help us whip a bunch of them in a future election, and then maybe a second attempt would be successful.

The same should happen for all of our 80/20 issues. Put them on the floor, and force the Dems to vote against them.

I saw one intriguing way to possibly bolster this effort. (I’d give credit to the writer if I remembered where I saw it. Maybe on the Daily Wire?) The idea is that the GOP congress should immediately propose and start pushing a law codifying the filibuster for regular legislation, with a one-year deadline to pass it.

But the GOP should warn the Dems that if by the end of next January they have successfully opposed it and it hasn’t passed, the GOP will immediately kill the filibuster themselves, and jam through every bit of legislation that Trump wants. In that context, smart Dems would have a big incentive to vote for legislation to keep the filibuster, knowing that if they don’t, the GOP is going to run rough-shod for the next year, and possibly 3 years.

So far, the filibuster has only been a customary practice, which we saw when Harry Reid threw it out for lower court judge confirmations, thus allowing us to put judges on SCOTUS with 51 votes. (HA!) And before the election, many Dems were saying they would get rid of the filibuster for all legislation, arguing that the evil GOP was “thwarting the will of the people” by adhering to it.

As an O.G. conservative, I like the filibuster, because it prevents faddish passions from driving whiplashing policies. But a prerequisite for a functional filibuster is the existence of two sides operating in good faith, so that some party members are willing to cross party lines to support reasonable ideas proposed by the opposition.

Does ANYBODY think that’s the world we’re living in? If Trump gets to nominate someone for SCOTUS, and there are 47 Dem senators, and there is no way that any Trump nominee will get more than one Dem vote. (Zero, if a second coconut falls on Fetterman’s head and he reverts to his leftist priors.)

So why would I want to keep the filibuster? Because as much of an obstacle as it is to us now, if it were codified into law it would be much harder to overturn, and will thus be a similar obstacle when the Dems get a small majority later.

However, if the Dems don’t take the deal by next January, we can’t continue to live by rules that we know the Dems will trash as soon as they regain power. Toward the end of Biden’s term, they seriously talked about killing the filibuster, stacking the SCOTUS and adding Puerto Rico and DC as new states. And they likely would have done AT LEAST the former if they’d won in November.

So let’s force the issue. If they want to play by the rules, that’s our thing. But if they expect to change the rules to gain an unfair advantage, we’ve got to beat them at their own game, by beating them to the punch.

Because like the big guy in the new Army ad said: Stronger parties are harder to kill.

Switching gears, I’ve got some fun examples of recent leftist self-owns, but this column is getting long, so I’ll save them for Wednesday.

In the meantime, I’m happy to report that the choice of Lil’ Davy Hogg as the DNC vice chair is already paying dividends.

For us.

Remember when Cankles McPantsuit and the rest of the left were making fun of Elon’s DOGE tech wizard wunderkinder because they were so young? (This was about two weeks ago.) But then the DNC picked their own 24-year-old blunderkind. And he immediately showed that he’d learned from his leftist elders by starting a money-making grift for himself.

He used the party’s “sucker list” to solicit donations for his own private PAC, which pays him over $100K per year.

Sorry, that was supposed to be “donor list.”

Or was it?

Anyway, the smarter Democrats – I know: they can fit in a phone booth at this point – are probably realizing that they screwed the pooch by electing Hogg.

Ooh, which reminds of this older tweet of Hogg’s that I just came across: “I’m never planning on having kids. I would much rather own a Porsche and have a Portuguese water dog and golden doodle. Long term it’s cheaper, better for the environment and will never tell you that it hates you or ask you to pay for college.”

So many thoughts. Starting with, on the list of things to worry about happening in the future, Davy Hogg fathering kids is not one of them. Because: biology.

Second, if he does manage to impregnate somebody, and if future college admissions are offered based on merit (Because: Trump!), I don’t think Davy will have to worry about paying for college for any dullards he manages to sire.

My favorite part of this story is the name of Hogg’s political action committee: “Leaders We Deserve PAC.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Hogg/Warren 2028!

I Pour Concrete, and Trump Takes the 80 in Many 80/20 Issues (posted 2/12/25)

I poured a concrete slab behind our house today.  After nearly 40 years in Florida, we lost power for longer than a day twice this year, so I’m breaking down and getting a generator.  Hence the need for a slab for the generator to sit on.

I rented an electric concrete mixer and bought twenty-seven 60-pound bags of concrete, and after spending some time over a couple of days digging out a ton of roots, putting in some rebar and putting together wooden forms, I was ready to pour. 

Before you can ask how many people I had helping me, I’ll refer you to my wife’s oft-repeated observation that I am a stubborn Appalachian-American, and that I still think I’m 27 years old.  Partly because that’s how time works, and partly because if you saw me with my shirt off, you’d say, “That guy looks like an Olympic athlete.  What is he, 27 or 28?”

Anyways (dammit – AOC has gotten into my head with that!), while the job would have gone pretty easily with two or three guys, I figured, “Hey, I’ve got the strength of ten men – because my heart is pure – and I’m an Ameri-can, not an Ameri-can’t.  So I can knock this out solo.”

My first clue should have been that as I loaded the bags of concrete into my 22-year-old pick-up, the rear end sank noticeably low, and the back tires bulged out in an alarming way. Like Jerry Nadler without a suit jacket on. 

It turns out that I hadn’t really done the math on how much twenty-seven 60-pound bags of concrete weigh. 

Yeah, I know NOW.  1620 pounds.  That’s like 3.3 cast members of the View!

Before you can ask, yes, I now have myself a fine new cement slab.  And yes, Cassie the Wonder Dog’s paw print is preserved in the southwest corner of that slab.

However… now I’m on muscle relaxers.  Which have made me drowsy and a little dopey, and I’m not looking forward to getting up tomorrow morning.

I’ll still do it (see the aforementioned “Ameri-can” reference above), with the assistance of some Vitamin M. (Motrin.)  But before I took the magic pills, I’d already drafted part of a mid-week column. 

So let’s all play a game of, “Can I tell which parts Martin wrote on muscle relaxers?”

First off, in Trumpkrieg™ news, weeping and gnashing of teeth could already be heard in Dem circles as the name was being taken off the USAID HQ building a few days ago.  But the wailing got even louder when a Trump spokesman announced the new tenant who would be moving in.

The old USAID building will soon be the new home of… wait for it…US Customs and Border Protection!

Cut to me, re-enacting the Meg Ryan diner scene in “When Harry Met Sally.” 

Even though we may be reaching the “too much winning” threshold, I still need stories like this to be turned into powder form, then put into a spoon with a drop of liquid, then heated up and drawn into a syringe.  And then

Injected. Straight. Into. My. Veins!

Scott Jennings recently pointed out – to a bunch of pouting dopes on CNN – that Trump has been capturing the “80” position on many political issues in which public opinion breaks down to 80/20.       

Closing the border, deporting illegals, re-criminalizing crime, keeping males out of female sports and locker-rooms – all have disproportionate popular support. Even on small issues like paper straws (nobody likes them!) and getting rid of daylight savings time, Trump has the winning side. 

His job is made a lot easier by the fact that the late-stage-TDS-suffering Dems have been eager to jump on the “20” position with both feet.

It’s hard to remember this, but after Trump’s debate with Biden – the one that went so badly for the Cadaver in Chief that it knocked him out of the race entirely – 20% of viewers said that they thought that BIDEN won it! 

Those are the geniuses who are sitting around sucking on disintegrating paper straws, while smiling at videos of male boxers punching females into next week, and sympathizing with face-tattooed gang-bangers as they block traffic on interstates while protesting with giant Mexican flags.

Normally, one would expect that a politician would have a harder time cutting government spending, because while many people see that as 80/20 in the abstract, they change their mind when specific cuts are identified.  That’s always been frustrating for conservatives, and it’s a big reason why government has always gotten bigger.

But Trump may be able to turn this issue in his favor too, because four factors have changed recently:

1. Our national debt has been metastasizing for years, but now we are frighteningly broke.  When Obama took office, all of the debt accumulated from George Washington to George W was $10 trillion.  In 8 years, Obama doubled that to $20 trillion.  (Si, se puede!) Trump added to that (especially during his last year/Covid), and Biden super-charged it, and now we owe $36 trillion.  That can’t continue, and more people might be willing to face our debt denial.  

2. The Dems have lied so much, so shamelessly, and so badly, that nobody trusts anything they say about the benefits of USAID-style, deep-state spending, or what it is supposedly going for.

3. The scope of the USAID revelations have surprised many people.  We now know more about the narrowness of the special interests who have been getting the money: non-binary whittling dwarves in Micronesia; a slam poetry contest for Mongolian throat-singers in Tajikistan; “Anti-White Hate Fest ’24!” put on by racial grifter Ibram X. Kendi (real name “Henry Rogers”), and a Go-Fund-Me to get Sunny Hostin electroshock therapy to try to get that misfiring noggin of hers back in working order.

4. The total tax burden made up of all of these fiscal straws is finally to the point that we’re getting as sway-backed as Cankles Clinton, just trying to hold up under the weight. 

So most of us are now ready to toss off the Micronesian dwarves and the Mongolian throat-singers, and we’ll try giving Sunny a free kick in the head to see if that helps with her neural sputtering. 

And with all due respect, Henry Rogers/Kendi, you can kiss our non-racist white arses.

Hogg/Warren, 2028!

Biden Loses His Security Clearance, Dems are Stopped by Hero Outside Building, and Don’t Understand That Unelected Bureaucrats Ran USAID (posted 2/10/25)

Regular readers know me as someone who is rarely surprised by political events.  I’ve usually got my ear to the ground, my nose to the grindstone, and my finger on the nation’s pulse.  Which explains my four consecutive national Twister championships in the 1990s.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. ADHD.

Anyways (to quote a certain Latina with a Juicy Booty – her words, not mine), I’m not often surprised by political events.  But I was definitely caught off-guard when I heard that Trump took away Joe Biden’s security clearance on Friday. 

Mostly because… why on earth would Joe Biden still have a security clearance?!

He couldn’t stay awake for his briefings when he was president.  And now he’s a civilian, and has signed with famous talent agency CAA – I’m not making that up… because I couldn’t – and is working hard on memorizing his lines for the starring role in “Weekend at Bernies 3: This Time it’s Presidential!”  So how could he possibly find time to receive intelligence briefings?  And for what purpose?

When I looked into this, I was surprised to find that we generally allow former presidents to keep their security clearances and receive intelligence updates, even though they no longer have any ability to act on them, or any reason to know what’s in them.  So we should cut that out immediately, for all past presidents.

But good lord, for Joe Biden?  That guy couldn’t be trusted with secret information when he was a hack senator, or a hack VP, or a hack president.  And that was before he lost his marbles!

In addition to these other reasons, Trump was justified in yanking Biden’s clearance as an act of karmic justice, since Biden had yanked Trump’s clearance as soon as Biden became president. 

Or, as Trump so Trumpily put it in his announcement, “[Biden] set this precedent in 2021, when he… [stopped] the 45th President (ME!) from” receiving intel details.  He also threw in another crisp jab (as is his wont), saying, “The Hur Report revealed that Biden suffers from ‘poor memory’ and, even in his ‘prime,’ could not be trusted with sensitive information.” 

Ouch!  By the way, has there ever been a more justified used of scare quotes than referring to Joe Biden’s “prime?”  And you’ve got to love that all-caps “ME!”

Still, it’s got to be humiliating to have your security clearance publicly and justifiably taken away.  (Just ask the corrupt 51 Hunter-laptop-denying “national security officials,” who can no longer sell themselves as knowledgeable insiders, even to the dozens of gullible, tin-foil-hat-wearing shut-ins who make up the audience of CNN.) So maybe it’s a mercy that at least Joe Biden didn’t live to see this happen to him.

In other news, you’ve probably heard the cliché that “all heroes don’t wear capes.”  Well this past Friday we learned the truth of that saying, when we met one of my new idols: the anonymous security guard outside the Education Department HQ’s front door in Washington.   

Instead of a cape or a uniform, the guard wore earth-tones, a pair of glasses perched on his head, and an expression half-way between a poker face and the iconic picture of Ben Affleck with his eyes closed in tortured world-weariness.   

That lone paragon of virtue stood his ground when confronted by a motley mob of far-left malcontents from the bowels of the Crazy Caucus in the House of Representatives, bent on forcing their way into the building and staging an idiotic yet telegenic (they hoped) show of resistance to Trump. 

The unassuming hero had neither a badge, nor a gun, nor pepper spray. Nor even narcissist spray, which would have been super useful against the empty-headed camera hogs bearing down on him. 

But he had a few things that his foes were unprepared for: the patience of Job, a resting heart rate that never went above 50 beats per minute, and an expression of barely contained contempt, along with implacable boredom.  That’s a guy you’d want next to you in a foxhole!

Put yourself in his place.  He’s used to standing guard while an endless line of dead-eyed, low-T mediocrities trudge into and out of the unnecessary building, to engage in a variety of foolish tasks, all of them utterly useless. 

The highlight of his year is probably when some sad parade of protestors marches by, featuring signs with ridiculous slogans like, “Pay me not to Work!” “Fiscal Prudence is Racist!” or a perverted version of the Gadsden flag reading, “Don’t Misgender Me!”

But on that fateful Friday, he looks down the street and sees a shambling clot of pitchfork-carrying mouth-breathers slouching toward the building he’s sworn to protect from the likes of them.  Then he sees, in the middle of the pack, some pitiable, damned soul who was apparently in some sort of a terrible fire. The skin of her face appears to be sloughing off the front of her skull, her mouth just a garish red smear of—

Oh no, wait.  That’s just Maxine Waters. 

(Which is plenty bad enough, even though it’s not a horrific creature out of a Stephen King novel like he initially feared.) 

As she got closer, he could tell that she hadn’t been in a fire.  Because if she had, that unconvincing wig she’s got on would have gone up like a Roman candle, producing a plume of coal-black smoke like a tire fire on the edge of town.

Still, the sight of Melting-Face Maxine up close would be enough to send lesser men screaming into the night, or falling to their knees and trying to gouge their eyes out.  If we could have found a way to deploy her to Kandahar when a Marine patrol was under heavy attack from the Taliban, she could have leapt up from ambush and stared at the enemy, croaking in her gravelly voice.

What followed would look like a Fourth of July fireworks show, as hardened jihadi fighters up and down the line triggered their suicide vests, just to escape from that hellish vision.

Anyway, it was spectacular, and I’ve added that video to my short list of things to watch whenever I need a little pick-me-up.  I had two favorite moments in particular.

1. Arrogant Maxine tried to bully the guard, insisting that he show her his ID.  It’s a tribute to his fortitude that he didn’t growl in her face, “I thought IDs are racist, you hideous crone.  Begone!”

2. One congresswoman in the back of the pack – in an obnoxious variation on, “Do you know who I am?” – called out, “There are no thieves or thugs here.  We are MEMBERS OF CONGRESS!”  

Quick, somebody call Kamala, because this lady needs a Venn Diagram to explain the flaw in her thinking.  

As with so many events over the last three weeks, the internet had a field day with the guard, coming up with names and titles for him.  Among my favorites are, “Captain DOGE,” “Gandalf the Chill” (“You shall not PASS!”), or the new “Secretary of Zero F’s to Give.” 

This incident is just one more proof that the Dems are still in such disarray in the face of Trump’s whirlwind of EOs, surprise announcements, and verbal groin kicks. The poor dopes don’t know whether to scratch their watches or wind their butts, as the old saying goes. 

They’ve made numerous pathetic attempts to stop the Trumpkrieg™ (copyright by me, right now).  They raised pointless filibusters to several of Trump’s nominees, which only resulted in those nominees being confirmed a day or two later than originally planned.

They’ve also gone out to microphones in front of several government buildings, where one pol after another got up and railed, grunted and gibbered about Orange Hitler this, and dictator that, and the “he can’t do this” other thing. 

One scary-looking congress-troll howled that he was filing impeachment papers against Trump, while he swung around a cane that looked like something a Democrat would beat Frederick Douglass with in 1861, right before the GOP armies marched south and whipped the Demfederacy and freed their slaves.

Chuck Schumer also showed up – cameras were there, so duh! – and he was creepier than usual.  He leaned down into the camera with his hands half-curled near his face, which gave him a look I can only describe as Nosferatu-esque. 

He then started the saddest chant I’ve ever seen, saying, “We will win.  We will win.” After a minute, Melting-face Maxine jumped into the frame (forcing me to recoil and say, “GAH!!” scaring Cassie the Wonder Dog and my wife), and he grabbed her hand and raised it, as the pathetic chant was dying out. 

Then Maxine croaked out a common refrain that many Dems have latched onto lately, and which I can’t figure out. “Elon, nobody elected your ass!”

Does the Democrat base not understand that most of the people who actually make our government run – for good or ill – are not elected?  Chiefs of staff, spokespeople, 99% of every department and agency – all are unelected.  Even cabinet members, though confirmed, are not elected. 

Let me put this in the form of a Q&A so simple that even AOC can understand:

Q: Can Elon Musk cut the budget of USAID, or close it down, or fire the ne’er-do-wells who work there?

A: No, because he is unelected.  But he can recommend to his boss (who is super-elected) to do those things, and that guy can do them, or not.

Q: Guess who else is unelected in the big DOGE vs. USAID battle?  

A: ALL of the USAID bureaucrats.

Q: Guess which branch of government USAID is part of? 

A: The executive branch. (Even though USAID bureaucrats don’t seem to believe that.)

Q: Guess who leads the executive branch?  (Hint: He is often called the “Chief Executive.”)

A: That’s right, the President. 

Q: What is the old-fashioned phrase that describes the USAID bureaucrats’ employment status with the President?

A:  They “serve at the pleasure of the President.”

Q: Do you think that the President is pleased by corrupt, obstructionist a-holes who are trying to sneakily undermine all of the policies he was elected to execute?

A: He is not.

Q: Finally, what is the word that describes someone who does what some of the USAID bureaucrats have been doing, i.e. refusing a legitimate President’s legal orders and secretly colluding to prevent him from doing what he was democratically elected to do?  (Hint: You’ve heard this word a lot in recent years.)

A: Insurrectionist.

Keep flailing, Dems.

Hogg/Warren 2028!

Many Dems Battle Many Republicans, and Don’t Do Well (posted 2/7/25)

Look people, I don’t have time for a witty introduction.   So yada yada yada…

AOC called Elon Musk “unintelligent” !!!

That’s not even a joke. 

I mean, it is a joke, obviously.  But I didn’t make it up.  AOC was warning about the dangers of letting Musk look for waste in the federal government, and she said the following real quote, in this word order, in front of a camera, in real life: 

“This dude is probably one of the most unintelligent billionaires I have ever met, or seen, or witnessed.  Which, you know, you can probably even glean that from watching these people on TV.  Anyways, all of that is to say, is that they don’t do their homework. Clearly, like, they’re putting 19-year-olds in with the Treasury.  This dude is not smart.”

When I first saw that, I started to analyze it, and quickly found many of the tell-tale signs of weapons-grade stupidity:

She’s not good with nouns – In the first sentence she refers to a singular person (“this dude”), but in the next three sentences she uses plural pronouns thrice, before returning to “this dude” again.  Which suggests that she doesn’t know the difference between singular and plural.

She’s 35 years old, and she uses the words “you know,” “Anyways,” and “like,” as if she were a none-too-bright tween.

And she follows the “anyways” with “all of that is to say, is that….”  In a six-word string she uses “that” twice and “it” twice, neither on purpose nor for rhetorical effect.

Plus, of course, she’s a former waitress who allegedly couldn’t get the simplest of drink orders right to save her life, but she’s critiquing the intelligence of a world-renowned genius.  It’s almost as if she can’t be trusted at all, about anything.

At this point, I’m even wondering if her booty is as juicy as we’ve been led to believe (her words, not ours)!

But the best part of this lopsided battle of wits is that it’s not an isolated incident.  In the 17 days since Trump was inaugurated, dozens of lefties have taken on dozens of Trump nominees and conservatives of various stripes.   

And the results have not only been great because the Dems have lost almost all of them, but also because the contests have been such beat-downs.  It’s like Mike Tyson vs. a middle school bully, or like Ali vs. Frasier.  (If by “Frasier,” you mean the effete white psychologist played by Kelsey Grammer on Cheers.) 

In addition to AOC vs. Elon, we’ve had Liz Cheney vs. Elon (bragging about taking USAID money isn’t the winning tactic she thought it was) and NJ Governor Phil Murphy vs Hulk Homan™.   

My favorite so far is probably when old warhorse Hillary thought she could do a canter-by attack on Sean Duffy right after an air disaster.  And we all found out that the old gray mare just ain’t what she used to be. 

When Duffy had tweeted that the DOGE team was going to “help upgrade our aviation system,” Cankles McPantsuit thought she saw an opening. 

She tweeted, “They have no relevant experience.  Most of them aren’t old enough to rent a car. [This from an old crone who was once asked about wiping a computer server, and said, “You mean like with a cloth?” And no one knew whether she was serious, or just lying.] And you’re going to let them mess with airline safety that’s already deteriorated on your watch?”  

Yes.  Mayor Pete turned over a pristine airline system to Sean Duffy, and it then “deteriorated”… in the next seven days. 

Duffy responded, opening with one of my favorite rhetorical devices: the introductory “with all due respect.”  Whenever you hear that, you know that what follows is going to be disrespectful as hell.  (For example, from the great Paulie Walnuts on the Sopranos: “All due respect T, the guy’s half a fanook.  We oughta whack him.”)

Duffy’s response: “Madam Secretary, with all due respect, ‘experienced’ Washington bureaucrats are the reason our nation’s infrastructure is crumbling.  You need to sit this one out.”

Despite taking that shot across the fetlock, Hillary thought she’d go back for more: “US airlines had gone 16 years without fatal crashes.  Then MAGA fired the FAA chief, gutted the Aviation Security Advisory Committee, and threatened air traffic controllers with layoffs.  Now there have been two fatal crashes.  Hope your unvetted 22-year-olds fix things fast.”

Apparently cause and effect are not Hillary’s strong suit.  Neither are optics, since this kind of sniping before funerals have even been arranged is far from a good look.  But then again, Hillary has always been a mudder.   

So Duffy put the whip to her like he was a jockey heading into the final turn.  I recommend reading his whole three-paragraph response, but the opening and closing sentences will give you the flavor: 

“I know you’re lashing out because DOGE is uncovering your family’s obscene grifting via USAID, but I won’t let you lie and distort facts…. Your team had its chance and failed.  We’re moving on without you… and yes, we’re bringing the 22-year-olds with us.”

Ouch! 

And nothing else was heard, except for the sound of a set of sad, staggering hoofbeats retreating into the distance. 

Even when the lefties have ganged up on their opponents, they’ve still gotten trounced.  Consider the following blowouts:

Every Dem Senator vs. Kash Patel

Every Dem Senator vs. Pam Bondi

Every Dem Senator vs. RFK Jr.

A roomful of jaded MSM veterans vs 27-year-old Karoline Leavitt.  (They saw what looked like a fresh-faced sorority girl, expected a dimwit like KJP, and walked into a whirlwind of head butts, hard elbows and rib kicks that left them lying on the press room floor wondering what happened.)

All the gals on the View vs. Reality

And of course Trump has been stomping various lefties – Dems, reporters, foreign leaders – like Godzilla tromping through downtown Tokyo.  He’s dispatched some with tariffs, some with his EO-signing pen, and some with his sharp tongue.

When he needed a minute to wipe the remains of Colombia’s president off of the bottom of his golf shoes, he tagged in JD, a blue-eyed killer who dispatched smarmy questioners without breaking a sweat.  My favorite was when he launched 1000 memes and left Margaret Brennen on the ropes with his, “I don’t really care, Margaret.”

Which is not quite, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”  But it’s pretty close.

So far, the Dems have only notched two wins: a Stiff Wind vs. Cocaine Mitch McConnell (by the knock down rule), and IL Governor Pritzker (#putdownthatcomicallyoversizedturkeyleg) vs. Anorexia (by knockout, 8 seconds into the first round).

Finally, amidst all the glorious sturm und drang of these first 17 days, I did not see the story coming that might end up as one of the most important: the USAID scandal.  I don’t know if I’d even heard of USAID before, but now it appears that being linked to USAID may soon be more damaging to reputations than being linked to Epstein’s Pedo Island. 

One scandal story is a witch’s brew of skeevy behavior, sleazy scumbags, and screwing everybody in sight. 

And the other is about Epstein’s island.

Hogg/Warren 2028!

Dems Jump on Colombian Tariffs and NJ Gov. Murphy Antagonizes Hulk Homan, and Both Quickly Regret It (posted 2/5/25)

One challenge about writing about politics right now is that the lightning pace of developments is continually making whatever you write almost immediately outdated.  For example, think of the poor Dems who jumped on the “Trump tariffs Colombia” story.

Trump was on the golf course, learned that Colombia’s president said he wouldn’t accept planeloads of Colombian criminals back, and fired off a “here come the tariffs” threat.   Then he laced a drive down the middle of the fairway on a par 5.

AOC immediately got off her juicy booty [her words, not mine] and wrote a tweet about the apocalyptic coffee shortage that would engulf America in 1000 years of darkness. Ana Navarro started wailing about how she wouldn’t receive any Colombian flowers for Valentine’s Day.  (Yes, sweetheart. THAT’S why you won’t be getting flowers!) 

And Grandma Squanto strung her bow and started putting on her warpaint over the imminent Colombian catastrophe.   (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But the lefty outrage tweet storm had barely gotten off the launching pad when the Colombian president submitted like Que Mala in a job interview with Willie Brown.  Before Trump could putt out on that par 5, he’d won, and the lefty hysterics had to quietly lower their dresses from over their heads, and slink away in humiliated silence. 

Well I’m having a similar problem, except in the opposite direction.  Before I can finish lacerating some idiotic lefty plan of attack, the attack blows up in the lefties’ faces, confirming my correctness while also rendering my response obsolete.

The latest example is provided by dimwit NJ governor (from guess which party) Phil Murphy.  (Rumors that Punxsutawney Phil is smarter than Phil Murphy have not been confirmed.  But don’t need to be.  Because, duh!)

In a televised interview this weekend, Murphy bragged that he has been harboring an illegal above his garage, and dared the Feds to come and get her.  This was a classic case of a beta male cosplaying as a tough guy.  (See: Davy Hogg growing the kind of pathetic beard that a gender dysmorphic gal grows after she’s been injecting testosterone for a few months.)

It was also classic Murphy.  (Rumors that “Murphy’s Law” was coined about this doofus have not been confirmed.  But c’mon.) 

So I read about this last night, and started writing a sarcastic little bit of deathless prose about it, to the effect of, “Murphy is going to regret confessing to a crime on video after Tom “Yippie-ky-yay MFer!” Homan hears about it.  Because that lean, mean deporting machine is going to make poor Phil not just THINK he’s seen his shadow – he’s going to be afraid of his own shadow!” 

I’d started with a few trenchant “Phil Murphy is dumber than Punxsutawney Phil” and “Murphy’s Law was named after this dope” jokes, and was just involving the ghost of Sam Kinison in the fun (“Hey Phil, you know one thing that might not be a smart move for a sitting governor to do? [begin Kinison filter]  CONFESSING TO A FELONY ON CAMERA, YOU DIPSH*T!  OH!!  OHHHHHHH!!!” [end Kinison filter]), when the news broke:

Phil Murphy furiously backpedals, claiming that his statement that he was harboring an illegal had been “misinterpreted.”

D’oh!  Can you morons at least give me enough time to take some batting practice on your moronic actions and words before you unravel like a cheap suit? 

Regardless, I love Murphy’s lame response.  First, because it was delivered by a “representative” of his, undoubtedly a poor schmuck who has to be questioning all of the life choices that led him to becoming a rep for Phil freaking Murphy.

Second because it is SO dumb.  Murphy’s comments have been “misinterpreted?!”   He literally said, “We said, let’s have [the illegal] live at our house above our garage.  And good luck to the feds coming in to try to get her.”

That’s not some obscure paragraph from Finnegan’s Wake or the Book of Revelation that requires a lengthy, tortured exegesis to interpret.  The guy said that he’s been harboring an illegal in his garage, and dared Hulk Homan to come and get her. 

(And don’t try to steal “Hulk Homan,” because I am hereby copywriting it.  But I am open to a joint venture with any t-shirt printers in CO Nation to produce a line of clothing with images of Homan’s head on top of a giant, green, muscular body.)

Then: one… hour… lay-tair…

Murphy’s miserable, flop-sweating rep is fidgeting in front of cameras like a slightly more masculine Karine Jeanne-Pierre.  “No, no, no.  When the governor said, ‘I’ve got an illegal living in my garage,’ what he meant was, ‘I definitely DON’T have an illegal living in my garage.’   See?  It’s just all a big misunderstanding.  And a misinterpretation.  You remember when Tampon Tim Walz said, ‘I’m just a knucklehead?’  It’s like that.”  

By the way, during the Dems’ covid hysteria, Phil Murphy had New Jersey residents arrested for going to the gym.  Because “no one is above the law.”

Also, according to Title 8 of U.S.C. 1324, penalties for harboring an illegal immigrant include fines up to $250K and imprisonment for up to 5 years. 

But after he’s done three years inside, we’ll let Phil walk out into the prison yard. 

If he sees his shadow, he’s got two more years in the can. 

Hogg/Warren 2028!

The DNC Chooses Its New Leaders, and… Yikes! (posted 2/3/25)

About every 15 minutes lately, I’m reminded of the sage advice that you should never interrupt an opponent when he’s making a mistake.  And if that adage is true, we may need to refrain from interrupting the Democrats for many years in the future.

We shouldn’t interrupt their senators when they are stepping on rakes with their idiotic rants in lieu of questions during cabinet confirmation hearings.  We shouldn’t interrupt them when they are protesting the deportation of face-tattooed sociopaths whom every sane citizen wants out.  And we shouldn’t interrupt the DNC, now that they’ve chosen two total idiots as their chair and vice chair. 

But while we’re not interrupting them, we should certainly be mocking them.  And between mocking them and celebrating the good news happening on our side, I foresee a lot of three-column weeks in my immediate future.  (This week might be a four-column one!)

So let’s start this time with the DNC meetings that took place over the weekend, about which I could write a dozen columns, had I but world enough and time. 

This kind of meeting is crucial for a newly out-of-power party.  The decisions made there

demonstrate how they are processing their loss.  If they can correctly diagnose what went wrong, they’ve then got a shot at having the kind of internal struggles that will shape the course of their hoped-for comeback.  

So how did it go for the Dem brain-trust this weekend? 

Suffice to say that it was the political equivalent of a flaming Hindenburg dropping onto a train which had just wrecked into a dumpster-manufacturing plant, starting a thousand-dumpster fire that burned out of control for two months while the gay SecTrans was out on maternity leave to deal with the physical toll of not having been pregnant or delivering a baby.

After November, the Dems really need to get out of their left-wing bubble and reconnect with the heartland and the battleground, purple states.  So they held their confab in DC.  Because of course they did.

And it was run by far-left MSNBC host and dim bulb (but I repeat myself) Jonathan Capehart.  Because of course it was.

And their candidate line-up consisted of kooky crystal lady Marianne Williamson, generic white guy from the 1973 Sears catalog Martin O’Malley, current DNC Vice Chair and lead Tim AWOLz adviser Ken Martin (because that turned out so well), the Dem party state chair from Wisconsin (which Trump just won), a former Bernie Sanders campaign manager (d’oh), a guy formerly in Homeland Security (at a time when our homeland is super insecure), a little-known machine pol from Massachusetts, and David freakin’ Hogg.

They kicked the whole thing off with one of their idiotic land acknowledgements, which are always insufferable.  (Until one of those virtue-signaling, self-stroking performances is followed immediately by the group giving the title of their building, general fund and personal houses to some nearby casino owners, I’m not interested.)

Ooh, I take that back.  I did find Lizzie Warren’s land acknowledgement at a recent graduation speech to be pretty interesting. 

She said, “I want to start by acknowledging that all of you despicable white trash in this beautiful hall and on this esteemed dais are standing on ground that once belonged to my noble, native ancestors.  In fact, my great-great-great grandma Scowls-with-Tomahawk – winner of Miss Tribal Cheekbones of 1839 – was probably spat upon by one of your deplorable great-great-grand-colonizers.  So I demand reparations, and the return of this campus.  I accept PayPal, Venmo, cash and bitcoin.” 

“But no beads!  We’re not falling for that again!”

#wemustneverstopmockingher

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  After the land acknowledgment, the proceedings somehow managed to go even more downhill.  Clueless Capehart asked how many candidates believed that Que Mala lost the election because of racism and sexism, and every numbskull in that Murderers’ Row of Stupid raised their hands to agree.  After which smarmy Capehart said, “Good!  You all passed.”

Ugh.  These people are ineducable!  The old saying goes that a conservative is a liberal who has been mugged by reality. 

But reality didn’t just mug these people on November 5th.  It snuck up on them and sucker punched them to the ground, and then did unspeakable things to them from behind, while pulling their hair and saying mean things to them.  And STILL they’ve learned nothing! 

Even some lefty spokesmen who were dishonestly touting Kamala before the election – Snake-head Carville, Charlamagne the Dope and the occasionally sane Bill Maher come to mind – have admitted that she was a horrifically bad candidate.  Bill Clinton, Obama and Biden have leaked the same truth to friends.

And every sentient biped who watched more than a minute of her speaking over the last four years knows that she was metaphysically awful.  But these bubble-dwellers won’t let go of their delusional insistence that she’s just fine, and they’re just fine, and the problem is the evil racists and sexists out there.  Who now make up a majority of everyone in the swing states, and most of the people in the nation, apparently.

I’ll spare you the stomach-turning twists and turns that led to the ultimate vote, and just cut to the chase.  The Dems followed their traditional strategy of allowing bad candidates to fail upwards, by promoting last year’s Vice Chair Ken Martin (fresh from going 0-7 in the battleground states) to the top spot, and picking little Davy Hogg as the new Vice Chair. 

You’ve probably never heard of Ken Martin before, because you have lives, and he’s a nobody.  So I know that you’re asking, “Martin, what kind of a SFPI™ rating does he have?”   

Regular readers will know that I spent several million dollars on R&D to produce my proprietary Simpson Face Punchability Index™ ratings, which I often sell to CEOs, headhunters, analysts and other powerbrokers who need to vet prospective hires, candidates, etc.  But because I love CO nation, I often share SFPI ratings in this column.  (You’re welcome.)

It momentarily surprised me that Ken Martin has such a low SFPI – 1.8 – until I did a little more research.  It turns out that people with the name “Martin” – first, middle or last name – generally have low SFPI scores, because that moniker is usually borne by the best among us.  So that keeps Ken’s SFPI artificially low.

But by far the main factor knocking down Ken’s SFPI is that he’s such a non-entity.  This guy has “beta male” written all over him.  (And he’s lucky that the military-alphabet naming system for males only has two options, alpha and beta.  Because if it featured the entire alphabet, he’d be looking at a status of “x-ray-,” “yankee-,” or “zulu male” for sure.)  He’s so effeminate that it would feel wrong to punch him. 

Besides, if he ever got into your face or tried to start a fight, you could just put the palm of one hand on the top of his sad little head and let him swing away until he tuckered himself out, like a much smaller younger brother.  Or you could pull his sweater up over his head – trapping his arms up in the air and making it difficult for him to breathe, especially since he’s already wearing a stupid mask, even though it’s 2025! – and give him the pinkest pink belly you’ve ever seen.

This guy couldn’t lay a glove on you if you were buying a set of fine Italian leather gloves and he was the assistant glove maker in charge of your fitting, is what I’m saying.

Lest you disbelieve me, please watch the Tiktok video he made 4 years ago, in support of Biden’s “American Rescue Plan.”  (Spoiler alert: America just voted to rescue America from Biden’s terrible plan.)  In it, he gives off a disquieting Doug Emhoff vibe, wearing a sweater (unexpectedly!) and an uncomfortable smile as he does a little dance celebrating all of the good results that were supposed to come from Biden’s stupid plan.

The good news is that the video is only 8 seconds long.  The bad news is that that will be the longest 8 seconds of your life, and you’ll never get it back.  Also, if you’re a straight lady, watching this video may make it very difficult to maintain your heterosexuality.  So don’t say I didn’t warn you…

So…yeah.  That’s the Dems’ new top guy.   

David Hogg, on the other hand, is a different story.  He has the highest recorded SFPI of all time, an astounding 9.97!  Which means that if David Hogg were walking down a sidewalk and came upon Gandhi, Buddha and a pacifist Quaker, they would instinctively descend upon him and beat him to death. 

If Jesus was walking with those three, even He would find his knuckles getting itchy. 

Smarter Dems are worried that they need to improve their showing with male voters. So naturally, they field a raft of beta males in high-profile positions.  (Unexpectedly!)    Kamala picks Tampon Tim as her running mate, and touts lady-punching wuss Doug Emhoff, who famously calls himself a “wife dad!”  (In most male enclaves in America, those would be fighting words… but he referred to HIMSELF that way!  On purpose!)

And now comes the non-binary Hogg to slaughter.   David Hogg makes Justin Trudeau look like  Chuck Norris at the height of his powers.

How bad is he as a candidate?  He somehow turned himself into a white male DEI hire!  He launched his career as a slightly more masculine Greta Thunberg type – a child prop used by cynical pols to highlight an issue he is nowhere near informed enough to speak about.

In Thunberg’s case it was our imminent destruction by the sun monster.  In Hogg’s case, it was gun control.  He initially capitalized on the death of his classmates in the Parkland shooting; an astroturfed anti-gun group sponsored his emotional appeals, after which the Dems arranged PR appearances for him on various MSM outlets.

He was then accepted to Harvard, despite his low SAT score of 1270.  (Three-quarters of Harvard students score over a 1470, and the bottom 25% average just over 1400!)  After Harvard, he started a pillow company that raised a lot of money, but somehow never delivered a single pillow to customers.

To summarize, he’s an exploitative, arrogant, not very bright child who has no life experience, has earned nothing, and has never had a real job.  And he has a face that even a mother would punch.

So naturally, the Democrats said, “That guy has leadership potential!” 

I’m feeling pret-ty good about our chances in 2028.  Pret-ty, pret-ty good.

Okay this column has gone long.  So tomorrow I’ll be back with my take on the latest brilliant PETA stunt.

Until then… 

Hamas delenda est! 

And also…

Hogg/Warren, 2028!

Watching Democrat Senators Beclown Themselves at the Confirmation Hearings (posted 1/31/25)

After only two weeks of watching the Democrat senators’ questioning of Trump’s cabinet nominees, I’m beginning to suspect that many Dem senators are undercover “plants.”  How else can you explain the self-discrediting buffoonery of Sheldon Whitehouse, Grandma Squanto, Ron Wyden, Amy Klobuchar, Bernie Sanders, Dick “nobody calls him Richard” Durbin and Richard “everyone secretly calls him Dick” Blumenthal et al?  

Seriously.  Just like Hezbollah terrorists were tricked into blowing themselves up by giving them pagers, these knuckleheads were tricked into blowing their credibility up by giving them microphones. 

Dick Blumenthal is the most famous “stolen valor” perpetrator in DC, having lied about serving in Vietnam.  So sure, have him question the military qualifications of decorated combat veteran Pete Hegseth.

Ron Wyden has a waxy, unhealthy appearance that is truly tough to look at.  So sure, have him tout his expertise about health to attack RFK Jr. 

Sheldon Whitehouse is named “Sheldon,” and he deserves it.  He’s the Ted Baxter of the Senate: nice, full head of white hair, on top of an empty, bloviating head. 

I loved his tone-deaf arrogance when he confronted Kash Patel with a mangled quote of his, demanding to know, “Is that what you said?”  When Patel said, “That’s completely incorrect, and I appreciate the opportunity to address that—” Sheldon interrupted with, “I’ll give you opportunity, in writing, but this is my time now!”

Good lord! You’re supposed to be asking nominees questions in order to elicit their answers!  If you were just going to spit out some slander so that he can write you back later, what are you even doing here?

I wish Patel would have just pulled out his phone and started checking out websites.  Then when Sheldy objected, he could say, “Since I’m not allowed to respond, I’m going to let you have your time, while I check out the latest beating you’re taking in the comments section on “Sheldonisadouchebag.com”    

It got so bad that the dimwit senators were repeatedly being laughed at.  Who had, “An octogenarian socialist senator will angrily grill a grown cabinet nominee to renounce the message on an infant’s onesie!” on their confirmation bingo card?

The male senators made male viewers cringe, and the females did no favors for their pet cause of identity politics.  Amy Klobuchar waxed hysterical and grilled a guy without listening to him, and Grandma Squanto gave RFK her most grating “school marm on the warpath” impression. #wemustneverstopmockingher

By the way, a CNN headline on Thursday read, “Trump’s Cabinet nominees face sharpest grilling to date.”  “Sharpest?”  Really?  Nobody has ever associated “sharp” with anybody in this lineup.

In the end, of course, this kind of performative, narcissistic grandstanding is not going to persuade anybody.  The Dems could have used their opportunity to ask probing questions that might prompt substantive answers that could potentially catch nominees in inconsistencies or flaws in their thinking. 

Instead, they demonstrated that they’ve learned nothing from the electoral whipping they took in November.  They doubled down on amateurishly misleading accusations in lieu of questions, and childish cries of, “January 6th!” and “Orange Hitler!”  All of which can only remind most Americans of why they gave the GOP congress and the White House.

But it wasn’t only the Dems in the confirmation hearings who were playing the fool.  Because outside of DC, Tom “Yippee-ki-Yay MFer” Homan was doing God’s work – rounding up foreign criminals to make our streets safer.  But as usual, some leftist dullards opposed him.

This time the fight was in Illinois, where two US Secret Service agents went to a Chicago elementary school to investigate a threat that had been made on Tiktok.  There they introduced themselves to staff as Secret Service agents, and showed ID, but were not allowed entry to the school.

Soon afterwards, Chicago Public Schools CEO Pedro Martinez (who is doing a bang-up job, considering the near zero per cent of Chicago public school students who can read, write or do math at grade level) went on MSNBC to falsely claim that ICE agents went to the school to detain illegal immigrant children.

Because of course he did.

Upon hearing that, Governor Pritzker (#putdownthatcomicallyoversizedturkeyleg) waddled into action, typing out the following tweet with his creepy, sausage fingers: “After a week of Republicans sowing fear and chaos, the first reports of raids in Chicago are at an elementary school.  Targeting children and separating families is cruel and un-American.”

So is allowing hordes of foreign criminals to prey on your citizens, and lying about it.  And also, scarfing down an amount of food in one day that could have been used to provide lunches for all the children in a large Chicago school for a month.

When Homan heard about Pritzker’s error, he went on Fox News to point out that Pritzker was the one who terrified the community by repeating a lie which he could easily have checked out first. 

He also mentioned that Pedro “Sherlock” Martinez could have used all of his powers of deduction to solve “The Case of the Phantom Ice Agents.”  Step one would have been to talk to the school officials, who would have told him that Secret Service agents who identified themselves as Secret Service agents – and who left their cards which identified them as… wait for it… Secret Service agents! – had come to the school.

Then, after filling several white boards with detailed notes and calculations, he could have arrived at the conclusion that these were NOT Ice Agents at all!

But nope.  Brainiac Martinez apparently graduated from a Chicago public school, so he reads at an AOC level.  And when he was trying to sound out “secret service,” he recognized the last three letters as “I – C – E.”  And off he ran to MSNBC.

Homan said that Pritzker needs to give ICE an apology, but he probably shouldn’t get his hopes up. Because even if Pritzker had the decency to apologize, there’s no way you’re going to understand a guy talking with his mouth that full.

Have a good weekend, and brace yourself for even more winning!