To start your week off on an upbeat note, I’ll recount how two girls under the age of 14 have applied the Simpson Gender Confirming Protocol™ to a surprised volunteer on the Fourth of July. The girls were swimming at the Little Platte Swim Beach in Missouri and waiting for the fireworks to start when a strange man swam up to them.
After asking them inappropriate questions, he allegedly groped them and tried to remove part of their swimming suits. They administered a SGCP™ maneuver to him (i.e. kicked him in the groin), then got out of the water and alerted their parents. The groper had apparently been identified by the SGCP™ as an intact male, because the police were able to catch him as he limped toward the parking lot a short time later.
The miscreant – one Carlos Climaco-Garcia – only had identification from Guatemala, and was found with someone with an ICE detainer. So the police reported that “the suspect’s citizenship status is unknown.”
Because of course they did. (I’m sure that his great-great-great-great abuelo and abuela came over on the Mayflower.)
Sure, technically this creep wasn’t claiming to be a female trapped in a male body when he underwent the procedure – the primary test subjects for which I’d invented the SGCP™. But the salutary effect the procedure had in this case is a testament to the incredible versatility of the SGCP™. Is there anything it can’t do?
It slices, it dices, it determines gender, it dissuades descendants of pilgrims who celebrate Independence Day by groping pre-teen girls.
It’s going to be tough to work that into my Nobel prize acceptance speech, but I accept the challenge.
Speaking of immigration-related foolishness, I’m beginning to suspect that Trump has planted a bunch of undercover agents in the leftist “peaceful riots” movement to discredit all leftist efforts to fight deportation. The only alternative is that that movement is littered with poor souls with Crockettian levels of intelligence. (Yes, I have turned Jasmine Crockett’s name into an adjective indicating barely detectable levels of brain activity.)
In every anti-ICE protest story, MSM and Democrat commenters describe ICE acting like the Gestapo, terrorizing blameless citizens, and arresting Gandhi-esque peaceful protestors for no reason at all.
And then video comes out, and it shows that the ICE officers were arresting a bunch of illegals and showing great restraint while violent mobs of protestors screamed and interfered and attacked them.
To pick just one example, we can look at the case of Jonathan Caravello. He is a Cal State Channel Islands (?) professor and a member of “an anti-racism, social justice union” which is now claiming that he was “kidnapped” for no reason by federal agents last Thursday, during a peaceful protest of an illegal raid by fascists.
Alternatively, he was “protesting” at the raid on the Glass House pot farm, where a lot of illegals were found. A US Attorney says that Caravello “was arrested for throwing a tear gas canister at law enforcement” and is charged with “assaulting, resisting or impeding certain officers or employees.”
Customs and Border Protection officials said that 10 of the illegals found there were juveniles, and 8 of those were unaccompanied minors. Oddly enough, the Glass House corporation has been “hit with multiple wage and labor law complaints in recent years,” and the president and co-founder has donated many thousands of dollars to Democrats in CA, including $10K to Ken-Doll Newsom.
Unexpectedly!
While we’ve all been told that you can’t judge a book by its cover, we’ve all also noticed that you can very often judge a book by its cover. And if you’ll look up Caravello’s faculty photo – the official one, that he posed for, knowing it would go on the university’s website! – you’ll see what looks like the cover of a book entitled, “Nightmare Journals: What if Charles Manson and A Crazy Karen from Libs of Tik-Tok Had a Baby?”
He’s got the wildly unbrushed long hair, the sad attempt at a beard. And the eyes. Always the crazy eyes. And again, this was an official photo! You just know that the photographer had to say something like, “Hey Jon, would you like to borrow a comb before I take this professional picture?”
And Caravello said, “No, no, I’m good. I’m going for the Jim Ignatowski from Taxi look.” And damned if he didn’t nail it!
He also has a pic on a CSU-associated Instagram page, a self-dramatizing shot of him posing with a fist upraised and a somber expression. (By the way, in that photo he’s got a SFPI™ [Simpson Face Punchability Index] rating of 93 out of 100.)
But before you conclude that the US of A is the most screwed up country when it comes to dealing with immigration, I’ve got to stop you right there. Because the nations of Finland and Germany exist, and they have been making complete fools of themselves on this subject.
I can’t say that I’ve thought a lot about the Finns during my life – around here, when you discuss the Finns, you’re talking about the Miami Dolphins – but what thoughts I’ve had have been positive. I like Scandinavian types, and I love the fact that plucky little Finland kicked some Soviet arse in the Winter War.
And I find a lot to like about Germany too, despite their…oh, let’s call it “uneven performance” in the 20th century. But both Germany and Finland have in recent years decided that it would be a great idea to welcome a large group of Islamic immigrants into their countries. And things have not gone swimmingly.
Unexpectedly!
Finland’s population is one of the oldest in Europe, and whiter than Liz Warren. #wemustneverstopmockingher (The white part is irrelevant; I just couldn’t pass up a chance to mock the Albino Apache.) The majority (70%) of Islamic asylum seekers in Finland, on the other hand, are male and under 35, and they come from cultures who believe that foreign women who reveal more than their eyes are infidel harlots who are there for the taking.
Thus, a story in the liberal Helsinki Times that tried to downplay migrant crime, had to admit that “Certain nationalities…have been disproportionately represented in specific crime categories. Iraqi and Somali men, for example, appear more frequently as suspects in sexual and drug-related offenses.”
Odottamatta! (That’s Finnish for “Unexpectedly!”) (Research!)
So what have the Finns done to combat the (migrant) sex assault crisis? The town of Oulu spent 2.5 million euros to make the strangest video you’ve ever seen. As soon as you’re done reading this column, look it up – search for “Finland no-no video” – because I’m not sure I can do it justice with a verbal description.
But I’ll try.
Five Finns stand in what looks like a hallway – three women in front, and two men behind – and they gyrate and gesture to what sounds like a $4 synthesizer. They have grimly serious looks on their faces and never open their mouths, but a voice-over song repeats these lyrics, which I swear to you I am not making up: “Stop, don’t touch me there/This is my no-no square.”
It’s tough to pick which element of the video is more amateurish. The music is terrible, the lyrics are a joke, and I could “dance” as well as these people do. (And that comparison is not even damning with faint praise. It’s just damning!)
But the choreography. Good lord, the choreography! When they say, “Stop,” they hold a hand up to the camera, palm out. When they say, “Don’t touch me there,” they cross their arms in an “X.” When they say, “This is,” they point at their hips, and then they gesture vaguely at their thorax as they say, “my no-no square.” Then they hold both arms out to their sides, bent at the elbow with their forearms hanging down, and gyrate back at forth.
If you haven’t seen the great South Park’s parody of this very type of misguided liberal insanity, you have to find and watch the episode where the school has a mascot come to visit the children and sing a song to teach them about sexual harassment.
Search “Sexual Harassment Panda song,” and behold some satirists putting the Finns to shame. But trigger warning: that stupid song is an earworm, and you may find yourself humming it to yourself for several days.
I’ll try to paint the picture: A guy in a panda suit stands in class and does a minimalist jig, while singing in a voice muffled by a panda costume head, accompanied by what sounds like a middle-school quartet recording of a circus merry-go-round soundtrack.
The immortal lyrics:
“Who lives in the east ‘neath a willow tree? Sexual harassment… panda
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? Sexual harassment… panda
Don’t say that! Don’t touch there!
Don’t be nasty says the silly bear.
He’s come to tell you what’s right and wrong. Sexual harassment… panda.”
The Finns could have saved themselves 2.5 million euros and had a better product if they’d just dubbed over those lyrics in Finnish. If they wanted to make it a little more relatable to their Finnish audience, they could have used AI to sub-in a native Finnish animal, producing the same video about the “Sexual Harassment… Reindeer.”
Germany has the same problem – an increasing rate of sexual crimes, and a rate of violent crimes committed by foreigners that is 400% higher than that of native Germans – but they’ve reacted even more stupidly than the Finns, if that is possible.
The Germans have created a series of cartoon “Don’t touch me there” educational posters depicting gropers at public swimming pools, an environment that has proved problematic for interactions between Islamic males and scantily clad German women and girls.
It’s sad enough that a country would even have to create a campaign to explain to people that sexual assault is bad. But it’s infuriating that the German posters actually cast the Germans as the villains and the foreign immigrants as the victims!
I’m not making that up. One poster shows two white boys shoving a brown girl into a pool. Another shows a white boy grabbing the butt of a brown girl as they’re both floating in the pool. A third shows a white guy in swim trunks going into a women’s locker room to peep at a brown woman in a towel.
And best of all, a fourth poster shows a large white woman with red hair floating in a pool behind a brown male, who is for some reason missing his lower leg! He’s got a peg leg there, presumably from being blown off in a peaceful suicide bombing or by an IED, I guess?
And the redhead is grabbing his butt with both hands!
So it’s not just male Germans who are vile, groping offenders. Female Europeans also cannot be trusted around Muslim males, who are apparently stereotypically known for being sexually preyed upon by infidel women! (Oh, won’t someone think of the Muslim males?! Where is their “Me Too” campaign?)
Bah! The slow-motion suicide of much of the European West should be a powerful warning to us. Our elite leftists are as reflexively dishonest as the Europeans – they refer to illegal immigrants as “immigrants” or “undocumented migrants;” they call legal arrests “kidnapping” or “disappearing innocent people;” they call men “women,” and gender-denying mutilations “gender-affirming treatment.”
But most Americans see through those lies, and reject them.
Not the Europeans. Throughout much of the EU, members of groups who disproportionately prey on European women are not only not chastised, they are cast as victims. And a public “education” campaign that is supposed to decrease sexual harassment cannot even honestly identify the source of the problem.
One bit of good news: after sustained backlash and public pressure, the idiotic German posters were removed and an apology issued. So maybe there’s hope for Europe yet.
Speaking of how we can often judge books by their covers, I found a picture of the German woman who created the public service posters in Germany, and she looks exactly as you would expect her to:
Large very white lady, wearing a childish black-and-green horizontally striped sweatshirt (and those stripes are NOT slimming). Round, large glasses, unhinged smile. And her dark hair is dyed bright green.
Because of course it is.
Rumors that she is the white lefty lady who would have had carnal knowledge of Charlie Manson and produced California kidnapping victim Professor Jonathan Caravello have not been confirmed.
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 