gaza – Martin Simpson

4 Patterns Suggesting that the Dems are Lying (posted 11/17/25)

As usual, lately I’ve been paying close attention to how our political opponents have been acting. I’ve had my ear to the ground, my nose to the grindstone, and my head on a swivel. Maybe that’s why I feel like I slept weird last night.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a pattern in recent Democrat behavior, and wonder if you’ve noticed it too.

Example 1: I’ve mentioned this one before, but do you remember when our lefties were gnashing their teeth and rending their garments for several years because of the ongoing “genocide” against “Palestinians?” Never mind what actually happened. But to hear them tell it, this was the worst injustice ever, and it involved the IDF doing everything they could to kill Gazan children, while doing their best to avoid accidentally shooting any of the filthy terrorists who were hiding behind those children.

And yet when Trump engineered the end of that terrible carnage, they pouted, and sulked, and stamped their little feet.

Of course, they didn’t give Trump or Netanyahu any credit for bringing that happy resolution about. (Unexpectedly!) But you’d think they’d at least celebrate the end of “genocide,” wouldn’t you? Hell, even the “Palestinians” were celebrating in the streets as their vicious terrorist brethren who had been rightly held in Israeli jails were returned to them.

But no. For our MSM, elected Dems and campus left, Trump was the Grinch who Stole the Genocide, and they were very displeased.

Example 2: As soon as the peace began and the IDF pulled back from Gaza, the Hamas cowards crept back out of their holes and immediately started slaughtering their fellow “Palestinians” who happened to be from rival clans. Those Gazans might have been expected to assume positions of leadership if the peace continued as scheduled, and Hamas were disarmed and removed from power. And Hamas couldn’t have that.

You may have seen the footage of some of the many reprisal killings, which often featured the rival Gazans bound, hooded and helpless, while the peace-loving Hamas terrorists bravely shot them in the backs of their heads.

You may also remember, like me, how every Gazan killed between 10/7/23 and the beginning of the Trump truce on 10/13/25 was a totally innocent victim and a saint, a veritable Mohammad Luther King Jr. And the world media covered all of those dead Gazans exhaustively.

Right up until the truce started and Hamas started slaughtering their co-religionists.

And then each of THOSE killings was…a mystery. The formerly voracious media closed their notebooks, and turned off their cameras. Al Jazeera and other jihad-friendly Middle Eastern reporters closed out the word processing programs on their laptops, and returned to the goat porn sites that make up the remainder of their internet usage.

The MSM has gone radio silent, despite what has to have been at least hundreds of Hamas-on-Gazan murders. Because I am nothing if not a tireless researcher – you’re welcome, CO nation – I searched for a death toll since 10/13/25. But I was unable to find anything.

My first search yielded dozens of articles about all the Gazans killed since Israel responded to the Hamas attack on innocent Jews, but stopped counting in late summer or early fall of this year. But the death count before that was high, believe them!

Many MSM sources reported between 40,000 – 60,000 “Palestinians” killed by the IDF. Something called Middle East Monitor came out with a shock headline in late June pegging the deaths at 84,000.

I’m sure CAIR and the pro-jihadi factions on American campuses – Students for Justice in “Palestine,” the groups claiming to be Jewish but who are fronted by trans, heavily-pierced and heavyset scary gals (I call them the “Jewish as a Ham Sandwich Consortium”), and the faculties of Columbia, Harvard and Yale – have set the number at eleventy-billion.

So I narrowed my search, and made it consecutively more specific. I went from, “How many Gazans were killed by Hamas since the truce started?” to “How many Gazans were killed by Hamas since 10/13/25?” to “For the love of God, how many Gazans were killed by Hamas in the last 34 days?”

But the response was always the same: pages and pages of articles detailing the quintillion Gazans murdered after Hamas attacked Israel – all of them pediatric nurses and special needs infants and elderly amputees with spina bifida, and brave journalists – but beginning on 10/13/25…nothing.

It’s a Ramadan miracle. The “Palestinians” have all come down with a simultaneous case of immortality: no one is dying in Gaza anymore, since the evil Jews stopped killing them for no reason at all.

Example 3: And now I jump ahead to last week, when the second worst crisis of this century – ranked just beneath the “genocide” in Gaza and just above 9/11 – i.e. the Great SNAP Holomodor of the government shutdown ended. Mysteriously.

Because even though the Dems had absolutely nothing to do with the shutdown starting – it was the Trump shutdown, don’t you know – they somehow figured out a way that they could end it. By…voting for the deal that had been on the table since the pre-Holomodor/shutdown started.

And which they’d voted against, 15 times.

Once that vote had passed, was their response, “Thank God that the tragedy has ended, and we can begin the grim work of beginning to bury the bodies of the millions of SNAP recipients who starved to death, and who were totally not mostly morbidly obese, despite what your untrustworthy, functioning eyes might have been telling you.” ?

It was not. Instead, they ran to every camera and microphone and podcast studio and began venting their rage, and caterwauling that their fellow Dems had wrongly allowed the horrific shutdown – which they’d been screaming for 42 days must end – to end.

My final example takes us to Berkeley, where self-congratulatory leftists will tell you that they bravely started the Free Speech Movement 61 years ago. And ever since, they’ve been stalwart defenders of the rights of everyone to express unpopular views, free from obstruction, interference or violence.

Except for, I wanna say, the last 60ish years or so. Because every conservative who tries to give a speech on campus is harassed and shouted down at best, or violently attacked at worst. (Rest in Peace, Charlie.)

Which takes us to last Monday, when the last speech in a series put on by Turning Point USA was scheduled to be given at that cradle of the vaunted free speech movement, Berzerkely. Annnnndddd… out came the freaks.

They formed a mob and employed all the old fascist tactics so beloved by the self-proclaimed “anti-fascists.” They screamed, blew whistles and used bullhorns. They chanted obscenities and super-peaceful messages like, “F**k your dead homie!” They scuffled with police and engaged in a lot of vandalism (overturning barriers, throwing objects, spray painting, etc.)

The most viral video from that night revealed two people fist fighting, one in a “Freedom” shirt, and the other one who stole his cross necklace and assaulted him. (Guess which one was on which side?)

Despite the freedom shirt guy being all bloody, the cops initially detained him. Because: Berkeley. Fortunately, a ton of video was available that showed who started the fight, so the good guy was released and the bad guy charged with robber and battery resulting in injury.

The perfect detail that completed the story? The leftist aggressor’s name was… wait for it… and I swear I’m not making this up… Jihad Dphrepaulezz. (I’m guessing that that last name is pronounced just like it’s spelled?)

Jihad!

How does that Latin phrase go? “Nomen est omen.” (The name is a sign.)

And I can’t think of a worse omen for how your kid is going to end up than you naming him “Jihad.”

Though I guess if his full name was “Jihad Child-Killer McScimitar,” he might be a little more screwed than a more typical “Jihad Jones,” or whatever.

But still. Don’t name your kid “Jihad.”

(Cue the NBC musical sting, “The more you know!”)

Just to reinforce that point, regular readers might remember the cheerful tale from a month ago in England (you can find it in my column from October 4^th at Martinsimpsonwriting.com) involving a Religion of Peace™ follower named Jihad al-Shamie. After he stabbed a few unarmed civilians, cops arrived, and it turned out that he’d brought his knife skills to a gun fight.

And as usual in a rousing round of rock-paper-gun-knife, the gun really cleaned up against the competition.

Anyway, to recap:

When the terrible genocide in Gaza the leftists had been wailing about ended, instead of celebrating, they slunk away and pouted.

And when Hamas started murdering Gazans in large numbers – the same Gazans that right up to 10/13 had been the salt of the earth, and each of their deaths a crime against humanity – the lefties just turned away, sucking on a kale smoothie so they wouldn’t have to make a statement.

And when the Democrats finally ended the government shutdown – which the lefties had said was entirely Trump’s doing, and was a horror that must end – the lefties were furious, and immediately began mourning that the shutdown is over.

And when some conservatives came to the birthplace of the free speech movement to communicate their thoughts, the leftists did everything they could to keep them from speaking freely.

My conclusion?

If I didn’t know any better, it’s almost like they are totally full of Schiff, and wouldn’t know the truth if it was packed into a pager and blown up, right before their eyes.

Or into their eyes. And into their hands. And into their non-binary groins.

Am I saying that’s what should happen to them? Of course not.

To quote a vacuous, cackling ex-VP, I’m just saying we should have that conversation.

Hamas (and Trantifa) delenda est!

Greta’s Great Adventure (posted 6/25/25)

This story is a couple of weeks old – which feels like years, in this media environment – but it contains too much hilarity and valuable lessons to not comment on it before it disappears from our memory completely.

This spring, an American organization called the Gaza Humanitarian Fund (GHF) was formed, and it soon got the backing of the Trump administration and the Israeli government to start trucking food into Gaza and distributing it to the Palestinians. Before then, the food distribution had been handled primarily by the UN, and through its usual honesty and competence…most of that food ended up in the hands of Hamas thugs, who then sold it at inflated prices to the Gazans.

The GHF quickly became much more successful, getting the food to the people it was intended for, while cutting out the Hamas creeps who had been preying on them. Hamas’s response had the maximum Hamas-ness: they started beating and shooting people to keep them from getting the food, especially when the people had started to openly applaud and say, “Thank you, America.”

The MSM jumped right on the story, reporting that the scenes of grateful Gazans were AI deep fakes, and that the IDF had been shooting, and causing the recipients to panic and trample each other. Because of course they did.

When the AI story and the smears of the IDF were debunked, the MSM quickly melted away and started lying elsewhere. Because: ditto.

Anyway, GHF’s performance demonstrated what a legitimate charitable food distribution plan looks like.

Meanwhile, a boat was sailing from Sicily (and where were the mafia pirates when you needed them?) toward Gaza on a mission to provide an instructive counter-example of what a fraudulent, virtue-signaling PR circle jerk looks like. And boy, did it!

The most prominent celebrity passenger on The Mental Minnow was Greta Thunberg, of “The climate will kill us all!” fame. She’s known by many names: The Doom Pixie. Sweden’s Shame. Lil’ Miss “How Dare You!” But she wanted the world to know that she’s moved on to another noble cause: Jew hating.

Greta and the other merry moronic mariners made videos to document their brave journey to, as she put it, “attempt to break the siege and open up the humanitarian corridor by delivering aid like food and medical supplies.” She waxed eloquent about the “systematic starvation of 2 million people” and “a live-streamed genocide.”

Of course, that Israeli genocide does not exist anywhere outside of her unnervingly square head. But the Self-important Scandinavian was not going to be deterred by little things like facts and reality.

“Hey Martin,” you are probably saying, “did she record those videos while dressed in the traditional garments of her people, i.e. the Sverigedräkten, or Swedish national dress?”

Yes, and no. (And by the way, nice umlaut you’ve got there.) She did wear the traditional garment of her people, but her real people aren’t the Swedes, but the anti-Semites. And their traditional garment is the terrorist tablecloth, i.e. the keffiyeh.

And yes, she was all keffiyeh-ed up!

Naturally, the Israelis intercepted the boat, which gave the maritime martyrs the chance to preen and posture. Greta recorded a video saying that she was being kidnapped, and appealing to the government of Sweden to use diplomatic pressure to get her released, so that she could complete her mission of taking what turned out to be a small cooler of assorted sandwiches and unpronounceable Swedish snacks to the Gazans.

The Swedes, not usually noted for their sense of humor, managed to have a perfect, deadpan reaction. As the Mail Online put it, “Sweden has rejected Greta’s plea for help.” The Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs, Maria Malmer Stenergard (she sounds hot, but strict) said, “A great responsibility rests on those who choose to travel contrary to the advice given to a place.”

Then she pursed her lips and gave a curt nod – which my Norwegian wife informs me is the Scandinavian equivalent of an Italian guy spitting on the ground and giving you both middle fingers – and walked back into Umlaut Hall, or whatever the Swedes call their White House.

The Jews, on the other hand, are quite famous for their sense of humor. (Which you would know if you’ve ever seen the Three Stooges, Albert Brooks, Jerry Seinfeld, or Bernie Sanders.) And they gave Greta the business in their press release, which I am not making up:

“The ‘selfie yacht’ is safely making its way to the shores of Israel. The passengers…were provided with sandwiches and water, and are expected to return to their home countries. The tiny amount of aid that wasn’t consumed by the ‘celebrities’ will be transferred to Gaza through real humanitarian channels.”

Perfect! But after that squirt of seltzer in the eyes and pie in the face, the Israelis also caught Greta’s Groupies with a little Schindler’s List surprise, taking her and her companions into a room where they began to screen the horrific film of the October 7^th massacre. According to Israel’s Defense Minister Israel Katz – and I couldn’t make that name up if I tried – “when they saw what [the film] was about, they refused to continue watching.”

Because of course they did.

And within 24 hours, Israel deported the whole rotten lot of them.

Many people cheered Greta’s failure, but not me. Because I think she got what she wanted, which was to cosplay as a brave, compassionate do-gooder whose noble mission was thwarted by the dastardly Jews.

I wish that the Israelis had wrong-footed her by waving her through at the border into the hands of Hamas. With the help of my conical purple wizard hat, I know exactly how that would have gone:

IDF guy: Here you go, you morally superior Europeans. Welcome to Gaza.

Greta (nervously): W-w-what? Aren’t you going to arrest me, to stop me from bringing aid and sustenance to my Muslim fellow-sufferers under the Zionist jackboot?

IDF guy: No, no. You can go right on in. You see those angry-looking men standing with their arms crossed and sneering? Those are your Hamas “handlers.”

Greta: Were those verbal quotation marks around “handlers?” What do you mean by “handlers?”

IDF: Oh nothing. Just that they’re going to handle you.

Hamasnik 1 (H1): Who is that infidel harlot? She looks familiar.

Hamasnik 2 (H2): I’ve never seen her before. She has a very square head.

H1: What?

H2: Her head is strange. Very distinctive shape. If I had ever seen her before, I would remember that head.

Achmed (just joining them): What is going on?

H1: The Jews are letting those infidels come in.

Achmed: Why? And what’s with that woman’s head? It’s perfectly square.

H2 (to H1): I told you! And her eyes are small and beady.

Achmed (snapping his fingers): I know! That’s Greta Thunberg. That obnoxious infidel harlot who lectures everybody all the time.

H1: That’s it! I knew I recognized her. (doing an impression in a high-pitched voice) “How dare you?”

Achmed (in a similar voice): “You have stolen my dreams with your empty words!”

H2: I’ve never heard of her.

H1: You’re lucky. She is terrible. She screamed at the infidel men, and no one even flogged her! I can’t imagine having to listen to her.

Achmed: She needs a ball gag to shut her up.

H1 and H2 (looking at each other, then at Achmed): A what?

Achmed: A ball gag. (looks at them) You know, like in the movies, when a woman is… making noise, and… Perhaps I’ve said too much.

H1: Perhaps you have, Achmed!

Achmed (changing the subject): Anyway, how about that head? She’s the reason Allah made burkas, and told us to cover women with them.

H2: I’m not sure you could get a burka over that head!

H1: If you did, it would look like you put a burka on a box!

Achmed: And you’d still have to look at those weird beady eyes through the eye slot.

The three laughed, while Greta watched them, nervously.

H1: I don’t know how those infidel men do it.

H2: Truly, they are very foolish.

After a long moment of them staring, and Greta fidgeting…

H3: Still, she can be my third wife.

H1: Isn’t your goat your third wife?

H3 (shrugging): Then she can be my fourth wife.

Greta (turning, dropping to the ground and grabbing the IDF guy’s legs): Don’t leave me here. Let me go back into Israel!

IDF guy: You want to come back into the nation of genocidal evildoers?

Greta: Yes, please.

IDF guy: What about the poor, oppressed Palestinians?

H3 (calling and waving): Hello, infidel harlot? Bring your square head over here, so I can smite you with the cane of instruction!

Greta (to H3): No thank you. But good luck with your intifada! (quietly, to the IDF guy, out of the corner of her mouth): Get…me…out of here.

And scene.

Hamas delenda est!

It’s a New Month, but Harvard Has Little to be Proud About, & Hamas is Running Out of Sinwars (posted 6/2/25)

Well, it’s the beginning of another Haughty Spirit month, so if you’re super stoked about your sexuality, you do you. But also, remember that everything doesn’t have to happen in public. Because there’s a time and place—

Sorry. My crack staff has just given me a correction, and here at the Simpsonian Institution we strive for accuracy. It turns out that I’d mixed up my King James texts. To wit, “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

So it’s Pride month, not Haughty Spirit month. My bad. Though in past years when I wasn’t able to look away from some parade floats on tv soon enough, I noticed that there was quite a bit of haughty spirit exposed too. Along with a disturbing amount of big bellies and bare arses. So thanks for those visuals, you exhibitionist loons.

I’m not going to ask why there’s no heterosexual pride month, because I think it’s weird to feel proud about sexuality. After all, as Cole Porter pointed out, “Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it.” And I’m not big on recorded sexuality parades of any type, anyway. (Though if you insist on having one, spotting a “reverse-cowgirl” float as I’m going through the channels wouldn’t be as unsettling as a “dudes in arse-less chaps” float would.)

By the way, note to aspiring rappers out there: Re-read those lyrics. They’re almost 100 years old and they’re about sex, but they’re still remembered, and they’re still goofy and fun. And there isn’t a single “b*tch” or n-word in there. (If you think anyone will be remembering “WAP” a century from now, you’re as dumb as your “songs” sound.)

Anyway, there’s no pride month for eccentric males like me, who prefer women, and I’m not asking for one. Although again, if we must have some sort of sexuality-related public celebration, I suggest that a Great Beauties Hall of Fame would be a good alternative. I am even willing to suggest some nominees for the first class of inductees, all of whom had an impact on an impressionable young Martacus: Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Farrah Fawcett and Nena (of “99 LuftBallons” fame).

Loren and Welch were at the height of their powers before I reached puberty, but when I saw both of them on tv reruns – Loren as a sponge diver in a movie I have no other memory of, and Welch fighting off dinosaurs in a fur bikini (that one was based on a true story, I think)… Well, let’s just say that I knew even then that I wouldn’t be going down the “Mayor Pete Path,” if you know what I mean.

Farrah is self-explanatory, and you wouldn’t think that a doe-eyed, one-named cutie singing in German would stick in one’s mind, but the heart wants what it wants. And of course my smokeshow wife would be inducted as the first winner in the Lifetime Achievement category.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. I’m hoping that since the cultural tide seems to have turned against some of the excesses of woke sexual foolishness (mandatory pronouns, kowtowing to those with autogynephilia or gender dysmorphia, 57 genders fantasies, etc.), Pride cheerleading might be less ubiquitous and annoying this year.

Speaking of “even educated fleas do it,” I am loving Trump’s beat-down of Harvard! As a former academic, I’ve always wondered exactly how much the Ivy League in general hates Jews, free speech, and academic freedom. And now it looks like we might be getting an answer: way more than $3 billion dollars’ worth!

When Trump first fired a shot across Harvard’s bow – telling them to start abiding by civil rights laws and crack down on Jew-hating freaks who have been disrupting their educational mission, or forfeit some grant money – I figured that the bureaucrats would make a token show of resistance and then sheepishly comply. I thought that the horrific optics of standing with obnoxious jihadi brats and their tent-ifada would be enough to make Harvard submit, even without financial pressure.

But no! The arrogant snoots dug their jack-booted heels in for Jew hatred uber alles, even after Trump threatened to take away more federal funds. So then he said he’d be challenging their tax exempt status, and trying to block them from enrolling foreign students, many of whom are a coveted source of both bundles of cash and hatred of America and the West – two coveted resources for the extremist partisans running Harvard.

Harvard got their noses even higher in the air – who would have thought that was even possible? – and filed suit against the president, rather than submit. Of course, partisan left judges are coming out of the woodwork to block Trump (unexpectedly!), but it’s hard to see how they can win this one.

American taxpayers can’t be forced to fund any university who defies federal laws in ways various and sundry, and no university is entitled to billions in funding automatically. As a schadenfreude-tastic beneficial side effect, this case is fortuitously exposing the dark underbelly of academe, not just in its anti-Semitism, but in the way it has been decreasing admissions for American students in favor of unvetted and often anti-American foreign students, and also systematically discriminating against conservative/traditional/pro-Western beliefs in faculty hiring and student admissions.

Over the weekend CO reposted a tweet from Shabbos Kestenbaum (@ShabbosK) (whoever that is), pointing out that within 20 minutes of Harvard President Alan Garber sanctimoniously proclaiming that, “Harvard is not Harvard without its international students,” Garber awarded an honorary Harvard degree (I’m guessing in “Anti-Semitism Studies?”) to Elaine Kim, who supports efforts to “ban Israeli students from all universities.”

Ugh. Kestenbaum summarizes the situation perfectly: “Israel is an American ally. Harvard is not.”

Yep.

I think Trump’s next move was a stroke of genius: he threatened to send $3 billion in grant money away from Harvard and to trade schools instead. It’s probably an empty threat, but I like the idea, and it reinforces Trump’s appeal to working class voters: The Dems are for the rich elites getting grievance studies degrees at Harvard, and he’s for blue collar folks learning a trade.

I’m hoping that if all else fails, and courts stop Trump from letting Harvard admit thousands of foreign students, he can at least give the leftists a taste of their own medicine, and deploy the “due process” gambit. The State Department can say, “Okay, we’re prepared to admit foreign students. But we have to give them very thorough, due-process vetting before giving them a student visa. And if that takes 4 or 5 semesters to get done, so be it.”

I feel bad for some innocent foreign students who get caught up in that process, but that’s the price that Harvard is imposing on them by defying the laws (and the taxpaying citizens) of the United States. Because Ivy League administrators and faculty need to learn the real meaning of something they’ve been chanting for years: no one is above the law!

Finally, speaking of jihad enthusiasts, Hamas might be running out of Sinwars.

You might remember that Yahya Sinwar was the leader of Hamas, until the IDF caught up with him last October. He ran into an apartment building in Gaza, where an IDF drone filmed him throwing a stick at it (rumors that he threw like a girl are confirmed, and hilarious) before they assisted him in assuming rubble temperature.

Well Yahya had a younger brother, and his name was Muhammad. (Unexpectedly!) He had helped plan the October 7^th massacre, and he had taken his brother’s place as a Hamas leader. And on Saturday, Israel announced that earlier in May, they had struck an underground compound near a hospital in southern Gaza, thus sending Muhammad to his eternal reward.

Which, if I understand justice in the afterlife correctly, involves an eternity of rectal pitch-forking.

The Israeli defense minister with the most Israeli name ever (Israel Katz!) named the two most likely senior Hamas successors to the unlamented Sinwar brothers as Izz al-Din al-Haddad and Khalil al-Hayya, and warned them, “You are next in line.”

So if you’re keeping score at home, two Sinwars have been retired, the Katz is out of the bag, and the hyphenated Izz and Khalil are on deck. If you want to see their near future, open Duckduckgo.com and search “MLB Pitcher Randy Johnson hits a bird.”

And then picture a flying keffiyeh, instead of a cloud of feathers.

Hamas delenda est!

Why Has America Volunteered to be Weak? (posted 4/7/25)

Well, this is going to be at least a three- or four-column week, because addled lefties are still creating entertaining and educational stories faster than I can mock them. I’ve got the third in a three-part series of columns on immigration etiquette coming in the next day or two.

But first, on a related note, something else is stuck in my craw. Because the anomaly that has most aggravated me about our country’s struggles in recent years is that it’s been so VOLUNTARY on our part.

For most of human history, when nations struggled or faced the kind of systemic problems that our society has had, the problems have been forced on those nations. For example, late-stage Rome was beset on all sides by strong barbarian tribes; Poland tried to stave off Nazi mechanized and air forces with cavalry; a weakened czarist system was caught off guard by the demonic frenzy of a communist revolution.

By contrast, consider our recent struggles, in foreign policy and at home:

Foreign policy example 1: Iran’s despotic mullahs are developing nuclear weapons, which we could easily stop. We wouldn’t even have to do anything ourselves.

Our president could just get on a Zoom call with Netanyahu and some serious-looking IDF or Mossad guys. (Think: the modern equivalent of Ariel Sharon and eye-patch-wearing bad arse Moshe Dayan. And you know that Israel has some of those guys on staff at all times, Jehovah bless ‘em.)

Trump: The weird beards in Tehran are getting froggy with their nukes. What do you know about that?

Netanyahu: Little bit.

Trump: Is that DeNiro? Are you doing DeNiro?

Netanyahu: Are you looking at me? Because I don’t see anyone else here.

Trump: Ah! I love this guy! Anyway, if you happened to know where those nukes were being built, and the United States suggested that we have an interest in them prematurely detonating, how long would that take?

Netanyahu: From right now?

Trump: For example.

Netanyahu glances at a guy in a dark suit and sunglasses standing behind him, looking like a non-goy Jason Statham. The guy steps forward and whispers something to Netanyahu, then steps back.

Netanyahu: 47 minutes.

Trump: Sweet! I’ll call Jeffrey Goldberg and tell him I’ve got an exclusive story for him. (Netanyahu’s eyes widen, and he blinks rapidly.) AH! Got ya, Bibi!

Netanyahu relaxes, then crinkles the corner of his eyes and bobs a finger at Trump. “You! You got a gift!”

Trump (pointing a finger back at Netanyahu): DeNiro again, from “Analyze This!” I love that one. Anyway, make some Persian rubble bounce, and no tariffs for you.”

And, scene.

Example 2: The Houthis.

They’re a Third-World militia with souped-up bass boats and a handful of Iranian missiles, and drones you could get from Dick’s Sporting Goods. And they’ve been holding up world-wide shipping for a couple of years! All while Anthony Blinken racked up frequent flier miles in rounds of pointless meetings with a bunch of useless UN types and some Islamic “diplomats” who could barely keep a straight face.

Then Trump gets in, and comes into a WH briefing room after a round of golf, and watches a Houthi “stronghold” get lit up like Michael Moore’s eyes when he spots an unattended ham sandwich. Then, a couple of days ago, he releases another video, this time of a bunch of Houthis standing around in a rectangular grouping, planning a new attack.

Annndddd…missile strike! And suddenly the sand is littered with diced Houthis encrusted in sea salt and seasoned with RPG accelerant. [Begin Homer Simpson filter: “Mmmm, diced Houthis.”]

Trump posted the video with the Trumpiest of all possible descriptions: “These Houthis gathered for instructions on an attack. Oops, there will be no attack by these Houthis! They will never sink our ships again!”

And predictably, our legacy media – whom we don’t hate nearly enough – immediately tried to claim that the Houthi terrorists were just a bunch of peaceful Yemenis in a tribal gathering. Their evidence? Undated photos of other Yemenis in other rectangular groupings during other tribal gatherings.

Got that? Yemenis often get together in rectangles, and this group was arranged in a rectangle. Therefore, we put the warheads on the wrong foreheads. Yada yada yada, genocidal war crime!

Ugh! If these media hacks were around during WWII, you know they’d be showing Nuremburg rallies with Nazis all lined up in rows, with self-righteous voice-over narration saying, “You know who else liked to line up in rows? [Cut to pictures of a Lutheran worship service.] See? Germans, all in rows! The allies are bombing pacificist Lutherans! Won’t somebody please think of the Lutherans?!”

One fact that the MSM hacks don’t point out? If the Houthi gathering we just blew up had been a peaceful assembly of Yemeni civilians, the Houthi militia spokes-jihadis would have immediately released a full-run down of the names and ages of the sainted dead. Which they have not done.

Unexpectedly!

The same trend of voluntarily choosing weakness has been happening on the domestic front too. Was there any reason for bunches of cops to stand around watching as hordes of antifa and BLM rioters toppled statues, burned police stations, looted stores and did literally billions of dollars of damage to cities all over the country for months on end?

Was there any reason to watch mediocre male athletes pretending to be females, beating the hell out of actual female athletes, when the nation is full of dads of daughters who would have happily tagged in and beaten the third-rate male athletes like rented mules, if only the relevant authorities would have given them a wink and a nod?

Was there any reason for the nation to stand by and watch as millions of illegals streamed across our border, picking up free cell phones and voter registration forms before fanning out across the country, after which crime rates and welfare spending skyrocketed? (UNEXPECTEDLY!)

There was not. We volunteered to act weak and be victimized. And now, post January 20^th, we’ve volunteered to be strong, and commence with the legal and tactical arse-whippings.

And suddenly TDA members are living like rats (with forcibly-shaved rat heads) in El Salvadoran cages, and Tesla-vandalizing incels are trembling in their mom’s basements as they await the cops’ arrival. (Maybe you’re not as smart as Elon, kids, because he built cars with a dozen cameras in them, and you keyed and set fire to cars with a dozen cameras in them.)

And illegals who proudly paraded six months ago with signs proclaiming, “Pay me to hate America!” and, “Cuyo calles? Nuestras calles!” are now huddled in public-housing apartments from which they’ve displaced American veterans, ingesting the last of their fentanyl stash to try to chase away the nightmares of Hulk Homan™ busting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man with a New York accent and a phalanx of ICE agents right behind him.

And Hamas-sympathizers at Ivy League colleges who were recently stomping around in their terrorist tablecloth headgear attacking Jewish Americans are cowering in their dorm rooms trying to avoid authorities, like smelly Yahya Sinwar when he fled to that half-demolished building in Rafah, trying to hide from the IDF drone that moments later gave him the ol’ kosher KABOOM!

Speaking of America-hating terrorist sympathizers on campus, you may not have heard about the case of Iranian “legal scholar” Helyeh Doutaghi, who was fired by Yale a week ago, after being linked to the Palestinian Prisoner Solidarity Network (PPSN), which both the Biden administration and Canada had designated as a terrorist-linked group.

Doutaghi has a long history of spewing the usual Islamist anti-Semitic poison, describing as “Zionist barbarity” Israel’s non-genocidal and non-barbarous response to Hamas’ genocidal and barbarous attacks.

In addition to the religious bigotry angle, she also has the hateful Marxist lingo down pat, blathering on about how Western democracy is “a system built to serve capitalist property…born in genocide and enslavement…and [intended to deny] freedom and sovereignty to the colonized.” She has also promised to “use everything at my disposal to fight the fascist dictatorship of the United States.”

She seems nice, doesn’t she?

This innocent little dove – she’s got a kind of an Islamic AOC vibe going on – was given a visa to allow her into first Canada and then the US, before she eventually got her teaching gig at Yale. In a March interview after Yale first tried to question her about her connection to the PPSN, she said, “I had been very loud and proud about my [organizing] work…in the anti-imperialist, anti-capitalist and the anti-colonialist movements,” and “[Yale] never raised any concerns” about her “activities.”

Because of course they didn’t.

Anyway, when Yale notified Doutaghi that she was suspended until they could investigate her possible terrorist ties, she refused to cooperate with the investigation, and then was fired.

When her supporters heard about her suspension and then firing, many of them were especially outraged that this horrific injustice happened during the “holy month of Ramadan.”

To which most normal Americans replied, “Oh NO! Not the holy month of Ramadan! Anyway…”

Because we’re done volunteering to be weak, and to appease the enemies of our country and our culture abroad, and to harbor them here at home.

Hopefully Helyeh Doutaghi is going through our deportation process as we speak, if she isn’t gone already.

Because I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “Deport Helyeh?”

Hell yeah!

And also…

Hamas delenda est!

Get Ready for Whiplash: It’s Hamas and Jake Tapper (posted 3/7/25)

Today I’ve got two topics: an update on Hamas, and Jake Tapper’s latest indignity.

Let’s save Jake for last, since we’ll need a light, buffoonish closer after discussing the child-murderers and mass rapists of Hamas.

Regular readers know that I often end my columns with “Hamas delenda est!” as a homage to the great Roman Cato the Elder’s ending to every speech he gave, “Carthago delenda est!” Cato was reminding his fellow citizens that their enemy in Carthage must be destroyed, and I am reminding CO Nation that Hamas is sorely in need of warheads on their foreheads, as the saying goes.

I haven’t written about Hamas as much lately, mostly because of the constant deluge of political stories stateside since Trump’s delenda-ing of both the Cadaver and the Cackler in November.

But Hamas is still around, and they still shouldn’t be, and I’m encouraged by Trump’s recent statements that they better release their hostages quick, fast and in a hurry, or else he’s going to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Big Dreidel. (You may remember them from “Disemboweling Pager Party, 2024!”)

I know that Israel’s leader is up for it – he puts the “Yahoo!” in Netanyahu – and I’m hoping that with Trump’s support, he hammers Hamas very soon. Because they are among the worst people to ever walk the earth.

I thought they couldn’t be more bestial than they were on October 7^th, but their recent “release” of the bodies of young mother Shiri Bibas and her two toddlers, Ariel and Kfir was possibly worse.

They paraded the corpses through town in locked coffins with paperwork listing the date of their “arrest” as October 7^th. They set up a stage with huge photos of the dead and Netanyahu, circled by gouts of simulated blood. After a ghoulish photo-op, they turned the coffins over to the Red Cross.

When the Israelis finally received and tried to unlock the coffins, they discovered that the keys Hamas had given them didn’t fit the locks. When they broke the locks open, they found the coffins stuffed with Hamas propaganda surrounding the bodies. When they examined the children, they found that they had been beaten or strangled to death, rather than killed in an Israeli airstrike, as the lying jihadi scumbags had claimed. And when they examined the mom, they found that it wasn’t her body. It took another day or two for the evil pr*cks to return her remains.

Two other details: According to video and reports, it wasn’t Hamas “fighters” who captured the Bibas family on October 7^th, but “Palestinian” “civilians” who accompanied their cowardly co-religionists to torment the Jews and loot their property.

And many hundreds – possibly thousands – of those “civilians” danced and sang and celebrated while the black-hearted parade of their victims’ broken bodies was going on. In that context, what does it mean to call any of them either “innocent” or “civilians?” I know that their children are innocent, since they haven’t yet grown up into the psychopathic, anti-Semitic thugs their parents are raising them to be.

But in all wars, there is collateral damage. And after Israel has sacrificed so much and lost so many in their heroic efforts to limit collateral damage in Gaza, I think the day is coming when they’ll have to take a page from the empire that once oppressed them, and “Go Roman” on Hamas.

Am I saying that if this kind of devil’s parade makes its way through streets filled with celebrating homicidal freaks carrying murdered Israeli children again, an Israeli pilot flying a borrowed A-10 Warthog should make a low pass down that street with that awesome Gatling gun and cannon blazing?

If I can quote a recently defeated candidate who is at this very moment guzzling box wine and wondering what went wrong – and I think that I can – I’m saying that we should have that conversation.

Whoo. Glad I could get that off my chest.

And now, for the silly little man the great Dennis Miller used to call Tap-Tap the Chiseler…

Jake Tapper is coming out with a tell-all book in May about the shameful media cover-up of Joe Biden’s obvious physical and mental frailty.

Did I say “tell-all?” I meant, “tell-some.” Because in his diligent spelunking for the truth – the book’s publicity touts interviews with over 200 insiders – he failed to land one key character at the heart of his tale. The Deep Throat for this Watergate. The White Whale for this epic quest.

Okay, I’m getting carried away. We all know that Tapper is not some significant figure like Moby Dick. (Though Tapper could pull off one part of that name.) (And in case AOC is reading this, I don’t mean the “moby” part, Your Juiciness.)

#yourwordsnotmine

So the one Moriarity (I can’t help myself) at the center of the coverup that Tapper couldn’t interrogate was… wait for it… Jake Tapper!

Because of course Jake was an unindicted conspirator in the whole mess. For years he faithfully delivered the ridiculous leftist talking points – Biden is sharp as a tack! Videos of him looking feeble are deep fakes! Who hasn’t fallen, and fallen, and fallen up a mobile airplane staircase? – like a yapping lapdog with no moral compass.

My favorite of his idiotic self-own videos is when he condescendingly interviewed Lara Trump, accusing her of defaming Biden’s cognitive brilliance and barely letting her get a word in edgewise. And he raised the lamest defense of all – Biden’s phantom stutter – to attack her.

When I first heard the Dems bring that up, I thought that they must be joking. Because who’s ever heard of a childhood stutter that disappears for 60+ years, then comes back only when an old buzzard creakily shuffles toward death’s door?

But I said to myself, “Martin, you’re a witty and a ruggedly handsome elderly gentleman. But that’s not important right now. Because you’re also a fair man, and a working dog and not a show dog. So you should do some research on stuttering before you dismiss the leftists’ laughable excuse-making as the utter hogwash that it obviously is.”

So I did my homework, and I searched medical literature for everything I could find about NDSRO (Near-Death Stutter Re-Occurence).

I looked for all of the common symptoms that Biden had displayed: Compulsive Hair Sniffing; TOSS (Tripping over Sandbags Syndrome), SHWGS (Shaking Hands With Ghosts Syndrome), and even Emotional Dysregulation with Associated Intermittent CWS and SAHOS (Creepy Whisper Syndrome and Sudden Alarming Hollering Outburst Syndrome).

And it turns out that none of those exist. UNEXPECTEDLY!

But that didn’t deter Jake the Snake, who followed video of Lara discussing Biden’s inability to speak a coherent sentence with the challenge, “How do you think it makes little kids with stutters feel when they hear you make a comment like that?”

Ugh. Is that not the perfect distillation of dishonest leftism? A lie, a bad-faith accusation, and then “Won’t someone please think of the children?!”

When she stated the obvious – Biden doesn’t have a stutter, he’s in obvious cognitive decline – Jake wouldn’t have it, and started lambasting her because she has “no standing to diagnose his mental condition.”

No she doesn’t, Moby. But she does have something that she shares with the 300ish million in the American PWFE (People with Functioning Eyes) community: she can recognize a doddering old fool when she sees one!

Just like you could, Jake. But you took a huge paycheck to look the other way, stick your fingers in your ears and say, “Biden is perfect in every way,” for four long years.

And now, when everybody is free to admit the truth, you’re looking for another big paycheck for writing a book that ignores the complicit Donkey in the room, i.e. you!

Not since OJ Simpson (no relation, people! I can’t emphasize that enough) wrote “(If) I Did It” has a guilty man put out such a blatantly sleazy and hypocritical book. Tapper’s title is “Original Sin: Biden’s Decline, Its Cover-up, and his Disastrous Choice to Run Again.”

I would have respected him more if he had at least demonstrated as much integrity as OJ (!), and titled it, “(My) Original Sin…”

Hamas delenda est!

Israel Ends a Great Week, & CNN and Massachusetts Beclown Themselves (posted 9/20/24)

Well, here it is: my fifth consecutive column in one week.

Many people said it couldn’t be done, and that I shouldn’t even attempt it. “Sir,” they said to me, “It can’t be done. Not do-able!” (How’s that for just a light dusting of a Trump impression?)

But it’s Friday, and by the time this column is finished, I’ll have produced almost 9000 words of high-quality snarkery in one week. That’s a little more than 32 Gettysburg Addresses-worth!

And Lincoln didn’t manage a single “terrorists have carnal relations with goats” jibe, even though everybody knows that you’re supposed to open a speech with a joke. That’s Public Speaking 101. (And it probably explains why his speech received very few laughing-face emojis, and he had to settle for the title of “Great Emancipator” instead of the more coveted, “President Hilarious Genius.”)

Of course, I’m not saying that taken together, my columns this week are 32 times better than the Gettysburg Address. But I’m not saying that they are NOT 32 times better than the Gettysburg Address, either. History will have to be the judge.

And I don’t envy History its very difficult choice.

Anyway, just when I thought I’d wrung every possible laugh out of this week’s cascade of Jewish secret agents – “The name is Bond, Schlomo Bond. And I take my Manischewitz shaken, not stirred” – giving Hezbo terrorists the best prank calls ever – what with the hand-putations, the high-powered Lasik procedures, and the ballistic circumcisions – I saw CO’s iconic post:

Shabbat Kaboom

Man I wish I’d thought of that one!

How did I miss it? There’s no way I’ll be able to top that.

Wait. How about “Yom Kaboom?”

“Blast Hashanah?”

“The Eight Days of Hannu-kaboom?”

No, forget it. Too derivative. The moment is gone, and CO has stolen my thunder.

I haven’t been this upset with him since he called me a diva, and said I was getting a big head. Can you imagine?

I stalked right back to my trailer and locked myself inside. Then I had one of my people tell one of his people that I’d only come out and write another column after I received two dozen long-stemmed roses and a sincere apology.

Ah, who am I kidding? We all know two things about CO: ladies dig him, and men can’t stay mad at him.

Anyway, while I was fixated on Hezbollah members receiving the scariest phones calls since the famous one in the Muslim horror film “The Syria Scimitar Massacre” (“The call is coming from INSIDE the mosque!”), Democrats were still doing stupid things in this country.

I have time for two examples.

This week a freak-show panel on CNN was discussing what a dangerous, Hitler-y existential threat Trump is and how someone should really rid them of this meddlesome ex-president with a firearm of some kind. (I’m loosely but accurately paraphrasing.)

Their latest bit of evidence was that Trump recently described how he talked to the Taliban leader, whom he called “Abdul,” about what would happen to him if he killed any American troops. (He gave the guy a satellite picture of his house, which sent a clear message: if I want to talk to you, I’m going to skip the pager step and go straight to a Hellfire missile.)

So the CNN mouth-breathers barked and yapped about what a racist hack Trump is, saying something like, “he couldn’t even remember what the Taliban leader’s name was, so he just picked the most idiotically cliched Muslim name he could think of: Abdul. What a xenophobic dope!”

Annnnnddddd… it turns out that the Taliban leader’s actual name is… wait for it… but you don’t really have to, do you?…. ABDUL!

That’s right. Nobody on a tv show – surrounded by technology which would allow them to instantaneously find out what the Taliban leader’s name is – could be bothered to instantaneously find out what the Taliban leader’s name is.

Great job, MSM hacks! You’ve done the nearly impossible, proving that you are actually even lazier than you are stupid!

Our final story of leftist moral idiocy comes from Massachusetts (Unexpectedly!), where a week ago, a small group of people held a pro-Israel demonstration in Newton. A 31-year-old named Caleb Gannon – he was wearing a pro-Palestine pin and a covid mask, so you know he really has his act together and is firing on all cylinders – noticed the demonstration from the other side of the street.

So he crossed the street and calmly engaged the pro-Israelis in a respectful and substantive dialogue. The end.

HA! I kid. He actually started screaming, “You’re sick! You’re supporting genocide!” and then raced across the street through traffic – tragically, he was not hit – and violently tackled 47-year-old veteran Scott Hayes from behind. Because: compassionate leftism!

Gannon wrestled with Hayes on the sidewalk, punching and trying to choke him, until Hayes pulled out his legally carried pistol and shot Gannon in the abdomen. It was a clear-cut – and recorded from several angles! – example of self-defense. Gannon survived, thanks in part to the first aid administered by members of the group he’d just attacked, including Hayes.

“Has Hayes been given a ticker-tape parade, Martin, or just a key to the city for his heroic actions?” you might be asking. But not if you’re as smart as I think you are.

Because this is Massachusetts, and as a reporter explained, they don’t have a “stand your ground” law.

They apparently have a “watch helplessly while a hateful leftist freak charges you and knocks you to the ground” law.

So Hayes was immediately charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and violation of a constitutional right causing injury! Supporters quickly raised $5000 to get him out on bail, and then another $250,000 for his legal defense.

Gannon was not immediately charged with anything (like the guy he attacked was!), but after a public outcry, he was also charged with assault and battery later.

It turns out that Gannon’s social media is full of posts condemning Israel and not Hamas for October 7^th, and responding to American Jewish college kids complaining that they’ve been attacked on their campuses by the radical “tent-ifada” Hamas imitators by saying, “good, Zionists should feel unsafe everywhere.”

So stand by for the Massachusetts media’s forthcoming statement that, “We may never know what motivated Gannon to attack the pro-Israel group.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to begin my refractory period after this historic 5-column week by taking a little medicinal bourbon and sleeping for 12 hours.

Hamas delenda est!

Good News from Israel (posted 6/14/24)

I’m continuing to have a good visit with mom, taking her to a lot of pretty, small Tennessee towns, so today’s column will be a little shorter than usual. (You’re welcome, readers who say my columns are too long!)

Today’s theme is good news from Israel.

The IDF continues to impress, despite receiving constant, dishonest abuse from the EU’s and America’s biased MSM.

In some of the toughest urban warfare in decades – mostly due to Hamas’ continual violations of the Geneva Convention and basic morals, via hiding among civilians and storing war materiel in hospitals, schools, mosques and other civilian locations – the IDF has produced a nearly unbelievable low civilians-to-combatants-killed ratio of around 1.5 to 1.

Ratios of around 10 times that amount are pretty typical, and the Israelis have paid a high price in their own losses to fight with such restraint and precision. And yet their media coverage has continued to prove that we don’t hate the media nearly as much as we should.

Last Tuesday the IDF used a targeted missile strike to kill Taleb Sami Abdullah, a Hezbollah field commander, in southern Lebanon. On Wednesday, a bunch of Hezbollah big shots gave a bunch of threatening speeches about how they were going to kill lots of Jews, and they fired 200 rockets into Israel, which started some fires, but didn’t kill anyone.

Annnndddd…

Israel killed a top Hezbollah commander in another strike in Lebanon on Thursday.

The bad guy in question was Hashim Safi Al Din, the Hezbollah number 2 man. (And never has the adjective “number 2” been more appropriate.) Al Din was with a dozen or more other terrorists in a two-story building in Lebanon.

I’m assuming that the IDF turned that into a zero-story building, because the end result was a baker’s dozen of dead terrorists, including Al Din.

So Al Din is Al Done (HA!), and one observer noted that, “The powerful elimination worries Hezbollah members.”

I’ll bet it does.

Meanwhile, in the same week, Israeli troops discovered an entrance to a Hamas tunnel inside a child’s bedroom in Rafah. They recovered a trove of weapons and explosives from the tunnel. The operation is the latest of what Israel calls its “precise, intelligence-based, targeted operations” inside Rafah.

A few days before that, an Israeli strike took out Hamas and Islamic Jihad terrorists hiding at a United Nations school for displaced Palestinians in central Gaza. Media reports from “local officials” and “UN sources” – both common euphemisms for “anti-semitic/pro-terrorist hacks” – report that the strike killed more than 30 people, including 23 women and children. And probably soulful poets and Amish Muslims.

Israeli sources – who have not been consistently lying their arses off for 80 years straight – said that there was a Hamas compound inside the school containing 20 to 30 fighters. Many of those non-women, non-children, non-soulful poets were killed. And wise people everywhere said “good riddance to bad hummus.”

As is often the case, the great Babylon Bee summed up the leftist attitude toward Israel’s latest successes in two hilarious stories about the recent rescue of four of Hamas’s hostages:

“Gaza Health Ministry Confirms 8 Billion Dead in Israeli Hostage Rescue” and

“Ilhan Omar Calls for Day of Mourning Over Hostages Rescued.”

Hamas delenda est!

Biden Storms Normandy, Biden-flation Makes Fast Food a “Luxury,” WAPO Flounders & “Innocent Gazan Journalist” Holds Hostages (posted 6/10/24)

As a Christian, I feel like God communicates with me in many ways, such as through the Bible, and church services, and joyous moments with family and friends. Even through his creation, as I was reminded of as we drove through some of the beautiful landscape of Colorado last week.

But He’s never spoken to me in an audible voice.

However, this last weekend He seemed to come pretty darn close. And what did He say to me?

“Hey Martin, do you believe that I can ever give you more targets for mockery than you can handle?”

To which I replied, “Well, I’m just a mortal man over here, and—”

“And a hilarious one, and one of My personal favorites. And by the way, you’re welcome for the strength of 10 men, and the smoke-show of a wife, the two great daughters and the Wonder Dog, all of which I have graciously bestowed on you.”

What does one say to that? “For which I can’t thank you enough. And thanks also for the gift of mockery, which so far has seemed sufficient to keep up with the stream of mockable targets—”

But He interrupted again. “Hold my wine chalice, and watch this!”

And a thundering Voice said, “Joe Biden at Normandy, Hunter Biden on trial, WAPO implodes, creepy anti-Semite Brihana Joy Gray fired by The Hill, the MSM scrambles to cover for Hamas, the Nashville trans-shooter’s writings leak out, the two best politicians on earth are a weird-looking Argentinian and a French-Canadian. Should I go on?”

And I was humbled.

So buckle up for another three-column week, because I am just as God made me, and I’m mocking as fast as I can!

To start with, I cannot confidently say that the President of the United States did NOT poop his pants at Normandy. That’s where we are today, people.

Biden’s team sent him off to D-Day ceremonies hoping to get the kind of inspiring performance on the 80th anniversary that Reagan gave on the 40th. Unfortunately, Reagan is dead, and so is Joe Biden. So we got the usual shaky walking, and slurred talking, and lots of gaffes.

Sadly for the national Dems, they wanted the Gipper, and they got the Tripper. And his power-hungry wife looked even more like a dead-horse-whipper. (And Hunter got the stripper!)

I’m here all week, people. Try the veal.

As sad as it is to say, Biden’s rickety performance at Normandy at least temporarily distracted from some of his troubles at home. It’s easy to forget, for example, that he’s in a legal tug-of-war over incriminating audio tapes.

I’m old enough to remember when Nixon was forced to turn over tapes of WH conversations. (Well, not really. I was alive then, but not paying attention to such boring events.)

Now Biden is doing something similar – fighting to withhold the audio tapes of his interview with Ben Hur – though he’s got a compliant and complicit justice system backing him up, so he has no fear of impeachment, despite having done much shadier things than Nixon ever did.

In defense of Biden, the transcripts of his interview are already out there, as they weren’t in Nixon’s case. On the other hand, reading the words of a demented old man’s ramblings doesn’t have the same visceral impact as listening to them… which is why his taxidermists are fighting so hard to keep them from the public.

But it’s interesting how history repeats itself. Nixon was finally doomed by the famous 18-minute gap in his tapes. (Everyone assumed that he’d erased some damaging conversations.) But you know that if you added up all of Biden’s silences – as he stared off into space, made multiple tortured attempts to think of a word or remember a point, or just sat like a zombie, before muttering “anyway…” – you’d have a hell of a lot longer silence than 18 minutes!

In a sane world, a crack team of caregivers from Visiting Angels (sing it with me: “America’s choice in home care”) would have carted him away years ago, leaving Que Mala to step in and start sinking piers, alienating allies, destroying the budget, and generally blowing all opportunities for success like they were Willie Brown.

Too soon? Okay. Withdrawn.

Speaking of corrupt politics, prosecutors just spent a week proving that in addition to being a dirtbag par excellence, Hunter Biden is undeniably guilty of some perjury and gun violations that carry penalties of more than a decade in prison.

So he’ll likely get the key to the city in DC, and have his child support debt to the ex-stripper further reduced. It’s a good thing for him that Lady Justice has a blindfold on, because now she can’t even ID him in a lineup as the one who’s been groping and assaulting her.

From the “Unexpectedly” files comes this story from the late, great Golden State: after only two months of Ken-Doll Newsom’s $20 an hour minimum wage law, CA’s fast-food restaurants have already cut 10,000 jobs! For just one example, McDonalds has cut hours, raised prices and moved to more automation.

Say it with me, people: UNEXPECTEDLY!

Perhaps the most depressingly revealing fact is that in a recent survey, “78% of consumers say that fast food is now a ‘luxury’ purchase.”

Great job, leftist micro-managers! You’ve turned your cities into third-world hellscapes, you’ve transformed one of our great actors into a hateful, raving old coot (I’m looking at you, DeNiro. Yes, I’m looking at you. Who else would I be looking at?), and you’ve taken the God-gifted natural paradise of California and made it Tijuana north.

And now you’ve managed to reduce the most prosperous population in the history of the world into a bunch of Dickensian orphans who can’t even afford a mediocre junk-food meal. Well done!

Let’s close on a few happier notes, starting in Schadenfreude Corner:

You may remember recent stories about how the Washington Post has been in a shallow doom spiral lately, and now the doom curve is getting even steeper, and the crisis even more entertaining.

New management came in last week and fired the Executive Editor Sally Buzbee. The new CEO then had a meeting with the woke staffers to announce that he was bringing in three experienced guys (one of them from the Wall Street Journal) to try to turn things around.

Then he went through the paper’s dire situation, which most of them had to already be aware of, at least in general terms: revenues have cratered, web traffic is down by half in the last several years, and the paper lost $77 million last year alone.

So naturally, the staffers recognized the crisis facing them, recommitted themselves to doing honest journalism, and vowed to do everything they could to return the paper to viability.

HA! I kid because I love.

What they actually did … wait for it… was whine about diversity at the paper!

Unexpectedly!

They pointed out that Sally Buzbee had female genitalia, while there wasn’t even a single vagina amongst the four toxically male new big hires! And also that many of the staffers who have been laid off as the paper began sinking beneath the waves were non-white, non-straight, sexually eccentric people of color!

So obviously they all need to be re-hired and given raises, to be paid for out of the obscene profits the paper is absolutely not producing, because the whole rotten racket is going down like Que Mala at a promotion meeting with Willie Brown.

Before the opposition can move to strike, I withdraw that hilarious yet inappropriate analogy.

But I’d be hard-pressed to make up a more damning indictment of the MSM than the scene of a CEO warning that the WAPO needs drastic, immediate changes to save it, and a bunch of coddled J-school malcontents threatening to call HR because they’re being triggered by the insufficient attention being paid to their DEI concerns.

Finally, we got some much-needed good news out of Israel this weekend, when the IDF’s brilliant raid freed four hostages from the clutches of Hamas.

And of course we also got the very telling reactions from our national Dems and their co-religionist pro-Hamas protestors. Everyone’s mad about the dozens – or hundreds, or no no, wait, THOUSANDS – of innocent Gazans killed during their rescue.

Even numbskull Que Mala, after a muted, rote expression of happiness for the hostages, quickly assured the world that “we mourn all of the innocent lives that have been lost in Gaza, including those tragically killed today.”

Of course, they don’t mention that Hamas is responsible for kidnapping and holding the hostages in the first place. Instead they focus on the damage to the Gazans among whom the hostages were hidden.

“They were unarmed civilians in their homes!” wail our MSM and leftist leadership.

To which I say, doing my fantastic Clint Eastwood impression from Unforgiven, “They should have armed themselves, if they were going to hold innocent hostages in their houses.”

Even more infuriating is that an evil Al-Jazeera “journalist” named Durka Durka Mohammed Jihad was holding three of the Israeli hostages in his own house! (Actually, his name is Abdallah Aljamal. But you say “Abdallah,” I say “Hamas.” Let’s call the whole thing off.)

This story reminds us that we need to view all claims about the vast majority of “innocent civilians” in Gaza with a very wary eye. Because reliable polling suggests that over 70% of residents support Hamas and celebrated October 7^th.

And now we find that a “legitimate” “civilian” “journalist” – I’m about to run out of scare quotes – turns out to be a Hamas-supporting collaborator. He used his home to hold innocent hostages, thus exposing his whole family and neighborhood to justified military action from the IDF.

And it turns out that several members of his family were reportedly killed, either because they were there in that legitimate military target of a home, or because they tried to prevent the rescue of the hostages. Either way, they reaped what Hamas has sown.

And as to all of the Hamas terrorists and their sympathizers who died in the rescue raid, good! Wrap their bodies in pigskin and bury them in a garbage dump where IDF K-9 dogs – beautiful dogs! kosher dogs! – go during training to relieve themselves.

Annnnndddd… I haven’t even gotten to half of the stories on my list. So I’ll talk with you again on Wednesday.

Hamas delenda est!

The National Dems Have the Reverse Midas Touch (posted 6/7/24)

You don’t have to look very hard to find a story that illustrates how everything our national Democrats touch metaphorically falls apart, and in a way so obvious that if it were written in a novel, it would seem too ham-handed to be believable.

In fact, a few minutes of surfing around the net brought 3 such stories to my attention in the last week.

First there was the pier was the Biden administration’s brilliant solution to address the need for food in Gaza. Never mind that the best way to help the Gazan civilians who aren’t terrorists (however many that is) would be to support Israel fully and encourage them to destroy Hamas ASAP.

And never mind that Israelis were already letting tons of food into the Strip each day, and that Hamas was promptly stealing it all and then selling it to the starving citizens that they obviously don’t care about.

Because as is always the case with those terrorist thugs, Hamas has gotta Hamas.

I think Disraeli said that. Or maybe it was Metternich, or Von Clausewitz, or CO. I know it was one of those smart guys.

Anyway, Biden spent a third of a billion dollars to build the pier, and after a few delays it was put into place, and was used to deliver food for several days. Rumors that that food was promptly commandeered by Hamas thugs go without saying. (See Disraeli/CO above.)

Annnnndddddd… high winds and heavy seas damaged the pier and partially sunk it, along with driving aground four US vessels operating there. Three of our service members were injured, one critically, and the Israeli navy had to help us retrieve our beached vessels, and the pier was taken to an Israeli port to be repaired.

Isn’t that the Biden administration story in a nutshell?

“But what about on the domestic front?” nobody is asking. Because everybody knows.

Let’s look at one move that almost always works for the Dems: giving taxpayer money to their pet interest groups to buy their votes. In this case, it’s the student loan “forgiveness” program, which is actually the “stick working people with the bill for other people’s bad educational choices” program.

But that name doesn’t poll as well.

In an effort to boost Joey Gaffe’s image, one prominent Democrat posted a heartfelt “thank you” on X last week, in the form of a screen shot of his college debt balance now being reduced to zero.

Annnnddddd… the stunt crashed and burned like a rickety Iranian helicopter falling onto Solyndra headquarters in the middle of a Sam Bankman-Fried speech.

Because the Dem in question was St. Paul, MN mayor Melvin Carter, who makes between $130-$170K per year. Normal Americans immediately ratioed him into next week, pointing out that his employees and fast-food workers are now paying off his student loans. One wise guy commented, “So much for the rich paying their fair share.”

On top of all that, the story also reminded people of Biden’s boast that when SCOTUS blocked him from “canceling” student debt, he did it anyway. (Because nothing is more important to him than the rule of law!)

And it reinforced the old truism of Leftist economic policy: Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll say, “No thanks, just keep giving me a fish every day.”

But if an immediately sinking pier and a rich guy getting money from the poor aren’t sufficiently clear metaphors for the Biden administration, I’ve got a New Jersey story for you that should do the trick.

It’s the tale of Congressional Black Caucus member Donald Payne Jr., who had a brush with death in April, suffering a heart attack and complications from diabetes that put him into a coma for two weeks.

Well, it wasn’t so much a “brush” with death as it was a “high-speed, head-on collision” with death. Because he died on April 24^th at the age of 65.

Annnndddd…

…last Tuesday he eked out a narrow victory in the Democrat primary, scraping by with 99.9% of the vote.

I’m not making that up. The Democrats had already elected a brain-dead congressman from NYC (representing Juicy-Booty Americans everywhere), and a mostly dead president, and now a completely dead congressman from Jersey.

At least now we can look forward to Biden making a campaign stop in New Jersey this fall, during which he will say, “And I want to thank Congressman Donald Payne Jr. for his support. I couldn’t win without the help of great Americans like Donald, no joke! Where are you Donald? Stand up and let us give you a round of applause!”

And at the end of that speech, will the Cadaver-in-Chief reach out and shake Donald Payne Jr.’s hand?

You’re damn right he will.

Hamas delenda est!

Biden Depresses College Grads, Germany isn’t Fond of Jews (again!), and Media Matters Fires “Journalists” (posted 5/24/24)

I just got home from our trip to New England last week, and now we’re flying out to Colorado tomorrow.

As I mentioned in a past column, my youngest daughter is going to Boulder for a 10-week research program in astrophysics. (She’s focusing on planet formation and other things I don’t understand, and if this summer goes well, she might be applying to CU for a PhD starting next August.) So my wife and I are using our little brainiac’s summer gig as an excuse to take her out and move her into her summer apartment, and then spend 5 days seeing various beautiful parts of God’s creation.

The two cousins with whom I take regular road-trips are going to meet us in Boulder, and the three of us will be temporarily civilized by the presence of my better half. (Our adventures in the old Caddy convertible on Route 66 in 2021, circumnavigating Lake Michigan in 2022, and last year’s re-tracing the route our families took 90 years ago to migrate from Kentucky to Illinois can all be found on Martinsimpsonwriting.com.)

I’m going to try to post from the road, but I can’t promise anything. As usual, too much is going on, so I’ll hit a few things that crossed my radar this week.

I’ve been simultaneously depressed and encouraged by the dumpster fire that Trump’s NYC prosecution has devolved into. Depressed because the existence of these cases shows how corrupt our justice system has become, and because there are at least some low-info voters out there who vaguely believe that he must be guilty of some bad stuff if he’s facing so many charges and trials.

But it has been amazing to watch just how badly the trial has gone for Bragg’s bozos. I can’t think of two worse prosecution witnesses than a porn star who can’t keep her mouth shut (but not in a good way), and an oily conman like Michael Cohen.

Stormy could offer no relevant testimony to the case at hand, and her appearance in the trial made plain the corruption of the wildly biased judge. He should obviously have recused himself, if for no other reason than that his daughter runs a lefty consulting firm that has raised millions for Democrats, and her resume includes being “Director of Digital Persuasion” for Que Mala’s 2020 presidential campaign. I swear I am not making that up.

Maybe it’s just me, but that sounds A LOT sleazier than Stormy’s resume, which boils down to “banging strangers on camera for cash.” In fact, I think Stormy and the judge’s daughter have a lot in common.

The daughter handled “digital persuasion” for a dingbat who slept her way into a career, and Stormy, though I have never seen any of her greatest hits, has a filmography that I’m willing to bet is replete with more than a few digits and a hell of a lot of persuasion. (Not to mention a long line of Willie Brown types, even though they might be credited only as “Pizza Delivery Man 1” and “Horny Boss.”)

And then Michael Cohen slithered into court, and he made Stormy Daniels look like Mother Theresa’s more pious sister. The climax (you’ll pardon the expression) of his testimony was admitting that in addition to his other convictions for perjury, tax evasion and campaign finance violations, he also stole $60K from Trump!

That’s larceny, and it is several standard deviations more serious than the (bogus) bookkeeping infractions that Trump is being prosecuted for.

Good job, NY judicial system. You’ve all covered yourselves in glory!

Speaking of stomach-turning corruption and incompetence, who is the genius who invited our Cadaver in Chief to give a graduation speech at Morehouse?

Even if the typical graduation address now begins with a morose land acknowledgment (“You should all feel guilty for throwing four years of frat parties on the sacred burial grounds once owned by the Ojibwas and the Indigenous Warrens…”) (#wemustneverstopmockingher), they usually quickly turn to a bunch of banal happy-talk.

“You graduates are the future. Your education has prepared you to go out and blaze new trails. The world is truly your oyster!”

But not the late Joe Biden. He hollered his way through a Jeremiad that must have had half the graduates contemplating whether they could fashion their tassels into nooses and put themselves out of their misery.

“What is democracy, when black men are hunted for sport every day by MAGA-hat wearing gun nuts? White people hate you, and America blows, and you’re all victims. Now get out there and suffer, until things get so bad that you gladly accept the sweet release of death, probably at the hands of a lynch mob.”

I’m paraphrasing. But only slightly.

Seriously, what kind of decision-process leads to inviting Joe Biden to inspire your graduates? Were all the less-depressing speakers unavailable? (“Well, the Unabomber and Dr. Jack Kevorkian are both dead, Paul Ehrlich is in his 90s and doesn’t travel, and Greta Thunberg wants too much money. So I guess it’s Joe.”)

But lest you think our country has the stupidity market cornered, consider the Germans’ latest masterstroke.

One of the most corrupt parts of the thoroughly corrupt UN – the competition is tough, what with terrorist and communist countries on various “human rights” commissions, and UNRWA funding and supporting Hamas – is the “International Criminal Court.” (Insert your own “You misspelled ‘kangaroo’ jokes here.)

This sleazy convocation of hypocrites – we are thankfully not a member nation of the ICC, though I’m shocked Joey Gaffes didn’t sign an executive order making us join – pretend to adjudicate disputes and war crimes claims. Yet they somehow don’t issue arrest warrants for the most evil dictators or terrorists in the world.

But now they are on the verge of issuing such warrants for Bibi Netanyahu and Israel’s defense minister, for the “crime” of fighting the terrorists who slaughtered their civilians and now hide behind civilians. The ICC is set to issue the same kind of warrant for the Hamas top terrorist Yahoo Serious, too, which is obviously just a fig leaf to allow them to try to arrest the Israelis.

(If they had wanted to issue an arrest warrant for the chief Hamashole, October 8^th might have been a good time to do so.)

So a German spokesman for Chancellor Olaf “Sergeant” Scholz (“I know NO-THING!”) has warned that his government will arrest Bibi if he enters Germany. Every EU country has submitted themselves to the ICC, so they would presumably all arrest Israeli leaders. (Which is reason enough for us to cut off all formal ties to the EU and the UN immediately, IMHO.)

It’s galling enough that the other European nations would agree to this. (Though they do have a history of cooperating with the Germans, especially when it comes to identifying and turning over the Juden.) But Germany? Where it has only recently become legal again to own a copy of Mein Kampf ?

Way to steer into that reputational skid, Germany! (Please tell me that this press release came out of Nuremberg!)

But let’s not end on a down note. Because some good things are happening, too.

For example, even in Portland – where AOC would be close to the median IQ – the numbskull voters might finally have hit rock bottom, and made the first baby step toward digging out.

For four years, they’ve had a Soros-funded (i.e. pro-crime) DA called Mike Schmidt, who was elected with 77% of the vote. Once in office, he resolutely declined to prosecute BLM and Antifa thugs as they rioted and destroyed the quality of life in that town.

Unexpectedly!

But on Tuesday, the voters fired Schmidt, giving Nathan Vasquez a 17% margin of victory over him. Vasquez is still a Dem (of course), but he’s promised to get tough on crime, and if he does, we should celebrate. Soros poured a bunch of cash into Schmidt’s re-election campaign, and he lost big.

In a similar karmic beat-down, a bunch of angry leftist hacks at MMFA – “Media Matters For America,” though that “F” should really stand for something else – no longer work at Media Matters, having been laid off yesterday.

When Elon bought Twitter/X, MM went on a slander campaign targeting his advertisers, falsely charging that he was posting racist material that would hurt their companies. Elon is suing MM and is likely to win, and as their fortunes decline, they’re starting to cut employees.

Ironically, you can read their whining and wailing on… wait for it… X! (HA!)

For example, one fired guy says, “Unfortunately, I have been impacted by the MM lay-offs… and am now open to any research/analyst roles, specifically regarding RWM narratives [I’m guessing that stands for “Rotten White Males?”] on DEI [ooh, I know this one: “Didn’t Earn It”], education, and LGBTQ+ issues.”

Another one, a guy named Alex who gives his pronouns under a picture of himself in some kind of pink feather boa, says, “I got laid off from MMFA today, proud of the 5 years of intense work I put into fighting right-wing hatred.”

Oh, you brave boy or girl, fighting the good fight against those nasty right-wing meanies!

If I weren’t such a classy, high-brow gentleman, I’d quote someone named “OneFineJay,” who posted a response to the list of whining ex-MM employees.

Oh, who am I kidding? Let’s give OneFineJay the last word:

“MMFA layoffs? #schadenboner”

Hamas delenda est!