god – Martin Simpson

Road Trip, One of Charlie Kirk’s Antagonists Gets Some Karma, and the Wilks Family Deserves Praise (posted 10/24/25)

It’s good to be back home, and back in the friendly environs of CO Nation.

My trip north went well. Since I wanted to stop and see my mom and sister in Tennessee, and to go up and hang out with the cousins in Illinois, I drove for the nearly 2500-mile round trip.

That gave me time to catch up on some podcasts and listen to a few books on cd along the way. I’m listening to CS Lewis’ That Hideous Strength for the first time in a long time, and it’s as gripping and weird as I remembered.

And I was able to make the entire trip without being killed by an intoxicated illegal behind the wheel of a semi who bought his CDL for 5,000 rupees from Ken-Doll Newsom in California. So I’ve got that going for me.

Regular readers will remember that my mom has Alzheimer’s, and in August my sister and I finally had to move her into a memory care place in TN, near Rhonda’s home. After a rough transition and a lot of struggles all around, we checked out a couple of more places, and have arranged to move her into a place that we think will be a better fit for her shortly. Those of you who have gone through this know how fraught the process can be, and we have learned some hard lessons.

When I got to Illinois, the cousins and I drove up into Wisconsin, and enjoyed some cool weather and beautiful fall foliage. On my way back south I stopped by Ottawa, Illinois to spend a contemplative hour at my maternal grandparents’ grave, which is beneath a maple in a pretty cemetery beside the Illinois river.

Since we don’t have much of a fall here in Florida, I really appreciate October up north, which always evokes nostalgia and childhood memories of Halloween, diving into piles of leaves, and hayrack rides, followed by hot apple cider and maybe some roasted marshmallows.

Of course I didn’t have the chance for all that on this trip. But I felt lucky to be able to spend some time on a cool, sunny autumn afternoon talking to my grandparents. (I don’t know whether they can hear me, but I know where they are, and I suspect that they do.)

As usual during travel, I only caught bits and pieces of the news, but it seemed to be a continuation of the foolishness and absurdity that we’ve gotten used to.

I saw that the usual suspects got together for the second annual “No Kings” extravaganza, and that they’re now 2-for-2. Last year and this year they loudly and self-strokingly demanded that we not have a king. And for the second year in a row, we don’t have a king. So…mission accomplished!

(Please don’t anybody tell them that the reigns of Emperor Haile Selassi Obama and Sir Auto Pen are the closest we’ve come to having a king in nearly 250 years. They are so satisfied with themselves, and they can’t maintain that if outside reality intrudes into their bubble.)

I also saw that the big blue cities are still hell-bent on self-destruction. Commie Mamdani appears to be on a glide path into the mayoralty of NYC, with his campaign slogan of, “Flee Now, Productive Citizens, Inshallah!”

And another lefty with more than a dusting of Somali “Allahu akbar” is set to edge out Jacob “Wussy McPussington” Frey as mayor of Minneapolis. Poor Minnesota! Jazz Hands is their Governor, brother-marrying jihadi Ilhan Omar is one of their House reps, and Amy Klobuchar is one of their senators.

And now Mogadishu-St.Paul is going to be stumbling toward sharia law. Well done, Gopher Staters!

But elsewhere, there’s a lot of good news happening. Red states continue to do pretty well, and Trump continues to troll the eminently troll-able. Especially entertaining were AI presentations of Trump and Melania in royal robes and crowns on “No Kings” day, as well as Trump in a Top Gun situation, dropping a few metric tons of fecal matter on the kind of protestors who have been spewing the same at us for many years now.

I also have two other heartening stories. The first comes from Oxford, England, where regular readers may remember that a Nigerian-Brit creep named George Abaraonye (whose name is not worth spelling correctly again) was elected the president of the Oxford Union back in June. Because: DEI.

He had been one of the students Charlie Kirk debated there in the spring. Charlie had been polite and respectful, and mopped the floor with Georgie, intellectually speaking. Alabastard, on the other hand, acted like a total douche. His conduct and arguments were as unsightly as his appearance. (He wore slippers, sweatpants and a black t-shirt to an Oxford debate!)

So when Charlie got murdered by a leftist spouting mainstream leftist talking points, Abalone checked all the boxes to establish himself as the quintessential leftist a-hole.

First he posted a tweet celebrating the assassination. (Check.)

Then, when he began to get blowback over his egregious behavior, he lied like a coward, claiming that he had posted one terrible tweet “in a moment of shock.” (Check).

It then turned out that he had posted other similarly awful tweets a bit later. Because of course he did. (Check.)

In subsequent weeks, more and more influential figures began to protest Abhorrent’s hateful behavior. Prominent speakers who had been scheduled to debate at the Oxford Union began cancelling. Members of Parliament began criticizing Oxford, and the university finally published a condemnation of George, with the weak-sauce “his views don’t represent us” ploy.

So G. Abominable played the victim, claiming that his hateful remarks were “shaped by the context of Mr. Kirk’s own rhetoric” and whining that he had now become the target of “racist comments and threats.” (Check.)

Finally, on October 18^th, the Oxford Union took a no-confidence vote on Acrimonious. They needed a two-thirds vote to oust him as president, and they got 5% more than that.

After checking another leftist box – Abysmal smeared his opponents, claiming that a vote against his hateful arse was “a victory for hate” – he completed the leftist Bingo card by…wait for it…becoming an election denier.

Check and mate!

His supporters pitched a fit, accusing the voters of “procedural sabotage and intimidation,” after which Appalling then did what we in the States call “pulling a Stacy Abrams.” He defiantly declared that he was “still president-elect.”

Okay, Georgie.

Thank God Biden’s ghost is not still president, or George would come here illegally, the Dems would declare him a citizen, and he’d be their next nominee for President.

Finally, I want to give a shout-out to an unlikely group: the family members of a black criminal shot dead by a white cop.

On October 9^th, Elijah Wilks, 26, was shot by a plainclothes cop who had been on his way to work. The police told the Wilks family that Elijah had driven recklessly, cut off the cop and caused a minor collision, then stopped his car, got out and pistol-whipped the cop once with a handgun, after which he pointed the gun at the cop. The cop shot him, killing him.

The Wilks family initially said they didn’t believe the cops’ narrative, and demanded to see the dash-cam footage from the cop’s car. The police showed them the video, which corroborated the police account.

Now this is a story we see every day in America, and it always seems to unfold the same way. The family cries racism, proclaims their family member a saint who was brutally killed for no reason, and engages a racial arsonist like Al Sharpton.

Sometimes they do this because they’ve imbibed the racial hatred of leftist propaganda. Sometimes they see a big payday that can be gained from spineless authorities who are terrified of racism charges, bogus or not. And sometimes, I’m sure, they do it because they honestly think their family member was innocent.

But in this case, the Wilks family rose above all that. After they watched the dash cam video, they gave a press conference. They had hired an attorney named “B’Ivory LaMarr,” who violated the Simpson Rule of Odd Apostrophes, to wit, “Never Trust a Man with an Odd Apostrophe in his First Name.”

But B’Ivory is B’atting .1000, because he announced, “I don’t think I’ve ever given a press conference and said this, but we will acknowledge that we do believe that this officer-involved shooting is justified.”

Elijah’s aunt said that her nephew “made a decision that he should not have made, and that’s just something we have to live with.”

And LaMarr concluded with, “Our hearts and our prayers go out to the off-duty officer. I’m sure that he’s going through a healing process.”

Seriously, I nearly teared up when I read those words. I can only imagine how painful it is to lose a family member like that. And I’d guess that your grief is made even worse when mixed with anger at him, when you discover that his death is entirely his own fault, and the result of his own stupidly reckless behavior.

At a terrible moment like that, and despite all of the toxic anti-whitey and anti-cop hatred you’ve been immersed in, I admire your ability to tell the hard truth, and to extend your sympathy to the man who was forced to kill your loved one.

B’eautiful job, B’Ivory, and good on you, Wilks family! You’ve earned some peace, after Elijah’s death.

Hamas and Trantifa delenda est!

I’m Watching Events in the Middle East with a Big Bag of Popcorn (posted 6/20/25)

I am continuing to love the news about Israel out-smarting the weird beards in Iran!

I saw a RedState headline saying, “How Israel Lured Iran’s Top Generals to their Deaths,” and I immediately thought the same thing I’m assuming that you were all thinking:

Pay-per-view Goat Porn!

But no. They actually managed to send authentic-sounding phone calls to the top 20 generals telling them to come to a meeting at a specific bunker. Which was smart, because the ploy took advantage of the brutality of the Iranian regime.

In a functional military structure, generals getting that phone call might have double-checked by calling someone else in the chain of command to verify the message. But because the totalitarians running Iran rule by fear and cruelty, none of the generals dared to question the order.

A Mossad agent was surveilling the bunker, and counting the terrorists as they showed up, possibly using a counting song from childhood. (The version I heard was, “One little, two little, three little Warrens, four little, five little….”)

(#wemustneverstopmockingher)

Luckily, the agent managed to not fall asleep as he was counting them – because he was not counting sheep, but sheep-ravagers – and when they were all inside, he called HQ with a “go-ahead” message.

Which I fantasize was something coded, like, “The schmucks are in the mosque,” or “The putzes are ready for the mohel,” but was probably something more like, “The FA phase is complete; commence with the FO phase.”

One of the big shots who experienced ROMD (rapid-onset molecular disassembly) in that bunker was a general named Hossein Salami. (I’m guessing that spelling is wrong, but when you’re a juvenile mullah-mocker and God drops a name like “General Salami” on the deli counter, you grab it and run with it!)

When the bunker was hit a few minutes later – possibly by one of those Jewish space lasers the anti-Semitic conspiracy theorists are always yammering about – it made for one of the simplest games of Clue ever.

Because it was obviously the Jews, in the bunker, with the salami slicer.

Hilariously enough, Salami was talking like he was a foot long (if you know what I mean), in a press conference literally one day before he got smoked and diced, in this quote which I swear I am not making up: “Iran is fully ready for any scenario.”

Sooo…cue the sad trombone. Or in this case, the sad shofar.

Because there was obviously at least one scenario that Salami wasn’t fully ready for, and it involved Bibi putting the ballistic “club” into “club sandwich,” and not even bothering to ask Salami if he wanted his bun toasted.

(They said to me, “Sure, Martin, you came up with an impressive number of fish-related puns about LA Mayor Karen Bass in a column last week. But we bet you can’t create a half-dozen hilarious lunch meat references in your coverage of the Israeli attacks on Iranian nuke sites story.” And I said, “Hold my deli platter and watch this.”)

Hey, while we’re in the Middle East, two more fantastic stories happened that I haven’t had the opportunity to comment on…and I can’t miss that chance. The first one was when a clot of entitled, anti-Israel social justice warriors made a march to Gaza as part of an ambitious program called, “Virtue Signalers Without Borders.”

Because they assumed that the evil Jews would be mean to them and not let them through the Israeli border into Gaza, they chose to go through Egypt instead.

Annnnddddd…the Egyptians were mean to them, and wouldn’t let them through the border! HA! Every freaking detail of the story is delicious.

The marchers were wearing keffiyehs. (Because of course they were.) And I don’t have to tell you that a white, spoiled Jew-hater putting on a keffiyeh automatically increases his SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) score by 20 points. (Duh!)

When their convoy was stopped by Egyptian officials when it was over 100 miles from the Rafah crossing, the arrogant boneheads went right down the Bingo card of all the behaviors that work great on an Ivy League campus run by far-left faculty zealots and castrati administrators.

Via the NY Post: they took part in a sit-in on the road, they “threw tantrums,” and some “broke down in tears.” They chanted, “Free, Free Palestine,” and waved several different countries’ flags. They also lectured the Egyptians about how they don’t hate Jews enough, and many of them started threatening to go on a hunger strike.

The Egyptians, on the other hand, used tactics very rarely seen on Ivy League campuses.

Egyptian police formed an unsmiling cordon of what looked like Pharoah’s bodyguards in tactical forces gear, and looked on as “Egyptian locals, some little more than children, pull[ed] the activists off the road” while others “could be seen hurling clubs and water bottles at the hapless protestors.”

I think I speak for all of us American Christians and conservatives when I say, “Allahu Akbar!”

There may be more entertainment to come, because according to an article in Spiked called, “The March of the Useful Idiots” (chef’s kiss for that one), “Predictably, the would-be white saviors reacted with indignity when the uppity brown locals violently resisted their ‘march.’ They then resorted to anger and vitriol as they chanted, ‘F**k Egypt.’”

Sounds about right.

Organizers posted on Instagram that, “There are now reports of force being used against participants, with some being detained, harassed, physically harmed and deported.”

To which there are three good responses:

1.UNEXPECTEDLY!

2. Oh no! Well anyway…

3. Is it possible for Trump to call out the Egyptian National Guard to big blue cities in America?

Speaking of “hapless” and “little more than children,” the second story was even funnier, because it involved Saint Greta Thunberg, the Doom Pixie who’s gotten bored with the existential danger posed by changing weather, and has now turned her bottomless, self-righteous scorn onto the people who control the weather: the Jews!

But the combination of the prescribed dose of medicinal bourbon I’ve taken and the amount of sack time I need before I start sanding and refinishing some wood floors tomorrow means that I’ll have to save that for Monday’s column.

Have a great weekend, and as always…

Hamas delenda est!

Transgender Fencers & Non-Violent Child Sacrifice (posted 4/16/25)

I’ll open today with the results from Monday’s “Moron of the Month” competition.

This one elicited a lot of great responses, including references to Joe Dirt and the Heatmeister, and many funny references to the shortcomings of all three contestants. And unlike last week’s nominations from the Eastern Division, when Lashes Crockett left the other nominees in the dust, this one was close.

Not counting the readers who said they couldn’t choose, or that it was a three-way tie, Elie “Fat Albert” Mystal took the dunce cap, with 18 votes, to corrupt Tania’s 13 and Griesa’s “Come and get me, I’m an enormous, unashamed, queer illegal!” 7-vote-winning strategy.

So Mystal advances from the Western division. I’ll hold off until toward the end of the month to choose the three nominees from both the Southern and Northern divisions, and then we’ll have a “Moron-off” among the Final Four.

Meanwhile, other boneheads have stepped forward to give me fodder for one of my traditional categories: “We Don’t Hate the Media Enough.”

The first example one comes from the story you probably heard about last week, in which a female fencer refused to compete against a male, and was disqualified for it.

The male, Redmond Sullivan –a violator of Simpson’s Rule of Life #146: Never trust someone with two last names – fenced last year as a male, and came in 29^th in his last competition. (I’m assuming that that was out of no more than 30 competitors, tops.) But when he switched to “female,” he won.

UNEXPECTEDLY!

Many media outlets called him a “transgender woman,” as well as “her” and “she.” Because of course they did. But the outlet that took the prize – I think it’s called “Sports Grail,” but that might just be the site that repeated this – used this headline: “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with someone she believed is transgender.”

Ugh. She doesn’t “believe” the dude to be “transgender.” She believes him to be a male. Because…wait for it… He’s. A. Male! You idiots!

(I would also have accepted the headline, “Fencer disqualified after she refused to fence with a male who wrongly claims to be transgender.”)

The next example comes to us from CBS. (UNEXPECTEDLY!) And it follows a pattern I saw many times in my teaching years.

Before they took my class, many of my students had been propagandized to believe that all indigenous peoples were noble proto-environmentalists, living in Edenic conditions of peace and love until the wicked Europeans invaded and colonized their lands, teaching them the evil ways of capitalism and the Judeo-Christian world view. So it was my job to teach them true things that they’d never heard of before.

Things like, “If we were to give the Black Hills back to the Indians who lived there before whitey showed up, should we give it to the Sioux, or to the tribe that the Sioux slaughtered and stole it from, or to the tribe from whom that tribe had stolen it, etc.?

And, “If the descendants of white southern Democrats who owned slaves should pay reparations, should the black Africans who captured those slaves in the interior of Africa and then took them to the coast and sold them to Arabs or Europeans also be forced to pay reparations? And speaking of the Arabs, how much should they pony up, since they took many more slaves than the Europeans did?”

Then I’d casually mention that Slavic people and the Welsh – who are both almost as white as Liz Warren (#wemustneverstopmockingher) – were actually some of the most enslaved people in olden times. The word “slave” comes from the word “slav,” and “Wales” and “Welsh” come from a Germanic root meaning “slave.” Anglo-Saxons in western England owned more slaves than those in eastern England, because the west was closer to Wales, where the welsh/slaves were conveniently nearby.

By that point, the more leftish among my students had either curled into a fetal ball and were crying, or else had turned into a toxic combination of Greta Thunberg and Cotton Mather, and stood pointing at me, and with blazing eyes, yelled, “How dare you? The white man lies!”

But enough about me, and my pedagogical fantastic-ness.

I was reminded of those classes when I saw CBS’ report on a recent discovery of an altar in Guatemala that dates back to Mayan times. The archaeologist who made the discovery reported that the bodies of three young children were found there, and concluded that the site had been used for child sacrifices.

Now CBS could have stopped right there. But then the network would be just “C.” But you can’t have CBS without the “BS.”

So they found an “expert” to parachute in and correct any impression that perhaps the altar builders might have had just a dusting of “bloodthirsty child murdering” along with all of their lovely, indigenous ways.

Enter Maria Belen Mendez – she has three accents over the vowels in her name, so you know that she’s super credible – who is identified as “an archaeologist who was not involved with the project” says that the nasty stuff at the altar was actually just a part of the native religion’s reverence for the sun and moon:

“[The child sacrifice] was a practice; it’s not that they were violent, it was their way of connecting with the celestial bodies.” (You hear similar claims about the Aztec festivals during which the mostly peaceful brown folks ripped the hearts out of their living victims, or beheaded them by the thousands, and then rolled the heads down the steps of their temples…. But only because they wanted to ensure a good harvest, you see.)

Ummm…. I’m no child-sacrifice-ologist, but I’m pretty sure that whatever else you might say about people who murdered toddlers on an altar, you can’t credibly say, “it’s not that they were violent…”

By the way, do you think these cultural apologists would EVER say, “It’s not that the torturers of the Spanish Inquisition were violent. They just REALLY wanted to find out who the heretics were.”

They would not.

And we don’t hate them enough.

Hamas delenda est!

Stupid Criminals, Lefty Atheists Tell Christians What Jesus Really Taught & Sunny Hostin Discovers She’s White, and Owes Reparations (posted 2/16/24)

There are a lot of stories to cover today, so let’s get started.

Right after Christmas 2022, Christopher Jason Hovis, 42, was arrested after he scared the hell out of a couple of children when he broke into their house in Decatur, Alabama and started stealing stuff. He was arrested shortly afterwards.

Even though he had a long criminal record, and even though this happened in Alabama, he was out of jail again by last week. I know what you’re thinking: the citizens of Alabama ought to demand better. They ought to insist that Hovis is put back in jail before he can commit another—

Oh no, wait. A homeowner took care of that particular problem last Saturday, when Hovis began kicking his way through a door of his house at 4:00 a.m. The homeowner got his pistol (because: Red State!) and called 911. Cops headed his way immediately.

But as the old saying goes, “When seconds count, the cops are only minutes away.” In this case, Hovis won the race between himself and the police, kicking his way into the house before officers arrived.

After he collected his prize — a traditional gunpowder greeting from the homeowner – a news story reports that Hovis celebrated his victory by “retreat[ing] outside, where he succumbed to his injuries.”

Yes! I can’t think of a better place for a would-be home invader to die than “outside.”

Since the story doesn’t mention another weapon, I’m assuming Hovis was unarmed, which would trigger many lefty crime-justifiers to caterwaul, “How could the homeowner shoot an unarmed man?!”

Clint Eastwood’s character in Unforgiven had the right answer, which I am paraphrasing: “He should have armed himself, if he was going to violently kick in the door of a gun-owner’s house.”

Roll tide!

If you watched the video I posted on Monday, you know that I cited CS Lewis in my thoughts about our current election cycle. But as much as I love his clear thinking about Christianity, I also really enjoy being lectured about my faith by non-Christian leftists who are 100% sure of what Jesus meant when he taught things that they imagine him teaching.

So I was in luck this week, when two theological giants shared their doctrinal wisdom with us all.

First up was Megan Rapinoe, the obnoxious, America-hating soccer player and professional malcontent. “Highlights” of her “career” include repeatedly dissing our national anthem, whining that female soccer players don’t get paid enough, and badly missing a penalty kick to kill the American team’s chances to advance in some meaningless tournament.

In her last game, while walking alone on the field – far away from whatever counts as “action” in a soccer game – she somehow managed to tear an Achilles tendon. Then, as soon as her career was over, she signed a letter opposing the “Protection of Girls and Women in Sports” Act, which would prevent men who pretend to be women from playing women’s sports.

Which tells you a lot about Rapinoe. She’s the special kind of jerk who would happily subject other female athletes to getting the crap kicked out of them by creepy male athletes, once she was safely retired.

After her injury, Rapinoe waxed theological: “If there was a God, this is proof that there isn’t, because this is f**ked up.”

Move over, St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas, because mediocre Megan is rocking the exegesis!

Rapinoe appeared on a podcast this week and discussed how surprised she was by the blowback she received from Christians and non-Christians alike, most of whom thought that her hilarious injury seemed more like proof of God’s existence than the opposite.

She now says that “there is a special place in hell” for people who celebrated her karmic downfall. She also said, “Someone needs to check in on the Christians; they’re not okay. They also missed the whole joke.”

No, no, we got the joke. You’re an entitled little Christophobe who got wildly overpaid to play a boring game and spew hatred, and at the beginning of your last game ever, you blew out your Achilles while walking slowly in soft grass all alone.

That’s the funniest thing I’ve heard since Norm MacDonald passed away.

Not to be outdone by the sapphic Solomon, Rob Reiner was out pimping his upcoming “documentary” God and Country, which explains that politically active conservative Christians are actually voting in ways “completely antithetical to the teachings of Jesus.”

Because whenever I find myself thinking, “I wonder what Jesus would do in this situation?” I always like to consult a far-left celebrity like Rob Reiner.

And it turns out that the Gospel according to Rob teaches that we should abort babies until the moment of birth, enable addicted wretches to die in the streets and satanic doctors to castrate confused kids, and teach racial hatred and envy of people more successful than yourself. Also, Hamas isn’t so bad, and Death to America. Amen.

As we polite southerners like to say, “Bless your heart, Meathead.”

Speaking of meatheads, our vice president assures us that she is ready to serve, in the event that something happens (unexpectedly!) to Joe Biden.

As a rebuttal of Que Mala’s utterly unjustified self-confidence, check out the twitter video from Elsa Kurt, as she narrates Harris’ attempt to plug in an electric car at a photo op. (It’s several years old, but I just saw it for the first time.)

The VP stands beside the car holding the charging plug. An off-camera voice says, “Go ahead and plug in,” and she says, “Okay,” and then takes way too long to plug it in, as if she’s never used an appliance before.

Then she holds onto the plug for the rest of the multi-minute clip. She says, “There we go,” and the guy offscreen says, “And that’s it.”

And because I was wearing my conical wizard hat while watching and could read his thoughts, he spent the next agonizingly long minutes thinking, “Ok, you can let go now. Let go. Just ease your hand off. For the love of God, please don’t keep standing there and holding that thing!”

The actual dialogue, which I am not making up, goes like this:

Que Mala (QM): And there’s no sound, or fumes!

Off-camera Guy (OCG): There… there is nothing. And that’s all there is to it.

QM: And for all of us who are used to, to filling our tank, you usually can smell it and, and hear it, you can hear the guzzling.

Off-camera Guy’s Thoughts (OCGT): Guzzling? What? No. You can’t hear electricity!

QM (still holding the cord): How do I know it’s working? How would I know that?

OCGT: Not by the smell. Because electricity doesn’t have a smell. Unless it’s passing through the body of a condemned man sitting in an electric chair. Which is where I wish I was right now.

OCG (out loud): So typically, you’d use a card, and then (pointing at the bright green lights lit up on the charging station) this light would come on.

And this makes Kamala cackle like she always does when nothing is the least bit funny.

Good lord, how hard can this be? You’ve got a male plug and a female receptacle. You just plug the male into the fe—

Oh, wait a minute. I get it. Kamala is one of those leftists who can’t define what a woman is, and thinks that a man can become one. So… how can I put this delicately? A process that involves the meeting of male and female is not their strong suit.

But of all of the leftist elites, I would have thought that Que Mala would at least understand that process. Especially since it was her entry into politics, under the tutelage of Willie Brown.

Gotcha! I bet you didn’t know that THAT was what “tutelage” means, did you?

Wait a minute. As a professor, I tutored many, many college students. Could I have been doing it wrong, all of those years?

I mean, yes. YES! If Willie was doing it right, then I was definitely doing it wrong.

Luckily for me, since my Norwegian wife would rip me limb from limb (that’s in her viking DNA) if I had been “tutoring” college students the way Willie tutored Que Mala…

Finally, I can’t not mention the hilarious Sunny Hostin story from this last week.

The empty-headed race-baiter from the View has always prided herself for being half-black and half Puerto Rican, but when she appeared on a genealogy show last week, she found out that her ancestors were actually Spanish slave owners.

In fact, they’d only moved to Puerto Rico because slavery had started getting suppressed in Spain, so they took their slaves with them to the New World.

Now for you and me, that wouldn’t be devastating news. Because we’re not racist weirdos who think that we are responsible for the deeds of long-dead ancestors, either good or bad.

But Sunny is a dimwitted racial essentialist, and she’s argued that she and other “people of color” deserve reparations from the descendants of evil white slavers. So this was not good news.

She fidgeted and laughed very awkwardly, and stammered about how she never imagined she came from Spanish slaveholders! But she soon tried to philosophically distance herself from this horrible rebuke to her self-conception: “I guess it’s a fact of life… that this is how some people made their living… on the backs of others.”

Not “some people,” Sunny! YOU! You have been a privileged slaver, and now your shameful secret is out.

When Sunny got back to the View and talked about this awkward new knowledge, the irony was delicious. She talked about how painful it was to find out she was half white, and how her blonde and light-eyed mother and family members had always thought of themselves as “racially black and ethnically Hispanic,” for whatever that’s worth.

Spoiler alert: it’s not worth a lot.

Sunny tried to put the best face on things by trumpeting the fact that she’s 7% indigenous Puerto Rican. And the dullards in the View audience applauded. “Yay, non-whiteness! Hooray!”

And sure, 7% is a lot, when compared to the .00001% Cherokee in Grandma Squanto’s background. (#wemustneverstopmockingher)

But we’re not buying it, Whitey! You’ve pushed this stupid, racist and tribalist binary of oppressors and oppressed for your whole life, and now it’s come back to bite you on the arse. The lily-white arse!

I almost developed a tiny bit of respect for Sunny though, when she stuck to her guns after this revelation, telling the View audience, “I still believe in reparations!”

For a moment I thought that she deserved a little credit, and wondered how she was going to figure out how much reparation money she owed to minorities, and how she was going to go about paying that.

But nope! Right after saying that she believes in reparations, she said, “So all of you can stop texting me saying that I’m a white girl, and don’t deserve reparations.”

So for all of you who have asked the eternal question, “How dumb is Sunny Hostin?” you now have your answer.

She’s so dumb that even though she now knows that she’s a multi-millionaire descendent of slave holders, she STILL thinks poor white people with no connection to slavery should pay HER reparations!

Hamas delenda est!