I’m sure everyone has just about had it up to here with the campus protest stories, and I feel your pain on that point. But I caught a few details over the weekend that I’d missed, and I think they’re worth some comment.
First, I think it’s hilarious that the one moment of unity between the hateful pro-Hamas side and the pro-Israel/the West/America side came at the University of Alabama, when both sides came together to chant, “F**k Joe Biden!” It was the kind of bipartisan reaching across the aisle that for a moment gave me hope that we all might get along.
Annnddd… it turns out that the Hamasholes are mad at Joe Biden because they think he’s not being submissive ENOUGH to the Jew-hating genocide enthusiasts in Gaza.
So I guess this is an example of that old folk saying, “even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.” Or, in the Arabic version from Gaza, “even a blind sheik finds a gay guy to toss off a roof once in a while.”
It loses a little in translation though, doesn’t it?
Second, over the weekend I learned more about two of the protestors whom I think are emblematic of the problem we’re facing.
I was probably one of the last to learn that one of the violent Columbia protestors arrested after breaking into a campus building was James “Cody” Carlson, 40, a wealthy heir to an advertising fortune. This guy is straight out of central casting, if you’re casting someone to play a leftist d-bag in a forthcoming straight-to-video Rob Reiner agitprop bomb.
In his late 20s, he got his first criminal charge (that we know of), when as part of a group of self-styled “anarchists” he was involved in a violent “protest.” Though he was charged with a raft of felonies, including battering a cop and aggravated assault on a cop with a deadly weapon, those charges were dropped two years later. (I’m guessing that daddy’s money had something to do with that.)
He’s also got two kids, one with a “baby mama” who is a model. I’m assuming that his ability to impregnate a model also had something to do with daddy’s money, an assumption backed up by what I think is dispositive evidence:
In his mug shot, he doesn’t look like a fella who normally has to fight off supermodels with both hands. In fact, he’s got a SFPI (Simpson Face Punchability Index) of 86 out of 100.
For comparison purposes, when I was in my mid 20s, with discernable abs and a firm jawline, I had an impressive SFPI of only 7, and yet surprisingly few models ever engineered elaborate schemes to trick me into impregnating them. On the rare occasions when that did happen – and I always managed to outwit the wily vixens – my friends never taunted me that the women were only after me because of my dad’s gas-company-heavy-equipment-operator’s money.
Anyway, Carlson is also the kind of 40-year-old who has enough time on his hands to spend many weeks agitating at a college he has no connection to, and leading a bunch of gullible morons in various criminal acts. In fact, his accomplishments so far in 2024 demonstrate his emotional maturity.
In January he was one of the Jew-hating idiots who caused chaos in NYC by blocking traffic on several bridges. Because he wasn’t run over by some heroic driver, he was still around in April, when he was at another protest, and this time grabbed an Israeli flag from a 22-year-old and hit him in the face with a rock, and then set the flag on fire.
He should have ended up in an intensive care burn unit, in terrible pain and wrapped up like Imhotep Pelosi, but due to the inexplicable absence of NYPD flamethrower robot dogs, he was still roaming free when he broke into Hamilton Hall at Columbia.
The guy apparently got a law degree years ago, but his only connection to the law seems to be in finding various ways to break it. As a Blaze story put it, “sources have stated that Carlson is a menace and an attorney by profession.”
A menace AND an attorney, you say? Don’t tell Que Mala, but that makes for a Venn diagram with a hell of a lot of overlap in it!
His own family aren’t big fans, either. When a NY Post reporter called his sister’s house, the woman who answered said, “We don’t talk to him. Leave us alone. He is out of our lives for so many years.”
I like the cut of her jib.
After his arrest at Hamilton Hall, Carlson got five charges: burglary, reckless endangerment, criminal mischief, conspiracy, and criminal trespassing. When he was put in a holding cell at the jail, he destroyed a camera there, and got another criminal mischief charge. He was also later charged with a hate crime, assault and petit larceny for the April Israeli flag incident.
All of which could be big trouble for him. Except that he’s still got some of his daddy’s money left, and he’s in NYC, where only orange guys are pursued by “law enforcement,” such as it is. Still, he is a rich white guy, so maybe his super-punchable face will earn some karmic attention.
I heard about the next protestor when she was being roundly mocked for demanding that the school provide food and water for the protestors. The keffiyeh-wearing Columbia grad student in question ridiculously warned that if the school doesn’t give in to their demands, the protestors might be facing “[dying] of dehydration and starvation.”
Her name is Johanna King-Slutzky, and she’s writing a dissertation for an English PhD (d’oh!) focused on interpreting poetry from 1760-1860 “through a Marxian lens.” Which answers the age-old question, “How do I communicate that I’m totally unemployable without saying the words, ‘I’m totally unemployable’?”
Also, it’s probably just the lingering effect of the raunchy sex comedies of my youth – this was several years before I was fending off models drawn by the allure of my pop’s gas company cash – but when I hear that there’s a poetry professor named “Slutzky,” certain expectations are created.
Expectations that were completely dashed when Ms. King-Slutzky stepped before the cameras to warn about the impending starvation of the brave Groucho Marxians cosplaying their way through the Ivy league. (Let’s just say that Van Halen would not make a “Hot For Teacher” video about this specific academic.)
But the most incomprehensible part of her story is a detail that I haven’t heard anybody comment on. Everybody got some cheap laughs from her last name. But that last name is hyphenated, which means that she could have just stuck with “King,” and made her husband/wife/your-guess-is-as-good-as-mine drop the “Slutzky.”
But no. She steered into the Slutzky skid.
And then she wrapped herself in a terrorist tablecloth and marched out to face the cameras, and earn herself a spot in the annals of self-satirizing woke imbeciles.
Well done, Columbia!
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 