I haven’t given Liz Warren enough attention lately, but she posted a short video this week that I can’t resist. And you’ll never guess what Grandma Squanto is on the warpath about now.
Conestoga wagons leaving muddy tracks all over her sacred great plains homeland?
The high cost of teepee insurance?
Repeating rifles that allow toxic white males to get off three shots at her before she can even notch a single arrow?
Nope. She’s got her buckskin dress over her head because – and I cannot stress enough how much I am not making this up – big corporations are screwing the American people out of oreos and Doritos.
Her video is only a minute long, and you really should watch it. I think of it as a sequel to her famous kitchen video, in which she won worst actress in the role of a relatable, blue-collar woman. As you’ll recall, she said, “I think I’m a gonna have me a beer.” And then she asked her beta-WASP husband, “Do you want a beer?”
And he looked at her like she was crazy, because they both know she hasn’t drunk anything but chardonnay during their entire marriage.
Anyway, she starts this video by looking into the camera and saying, “You ever go for the last chip in the Dorito bag and suddenly say, “Whoa! There shoulda been more chips in here!” And then she goes on a rant about how big corporations have been shorting a helpless public by putting less junk food in their packages.
I would say her delivery is wooden, but I’m too mature to go for the obvious wooden Indian joke. (Or am I?) But nobody watching is going to believe that she’s ever bought or consumed a single Dorito, or washed it down with a single sip of beer in her life.
Besides, isn’t she undercutting her brand with this example? If she wanted us to believe her, she’d say, “You ever open a bag of pemmican, squash and maize and say, ‘Whoa!’ There’s suspiciously little pemmican in here. And this isn’t enough squash and maize to feed my papooses! I detect the greedy hand of Big Pemmican behind this!”
But she is on-brand about one thing: she’s a very convincing arrogant leftist, because she knows that regular people cannot possibly decide what packaged products are worth buying. We need her superior wisdom to protect us from Big Snack and our own ignorance.
And yet she can’t correctly identify the mysterious force that has made all products more expensive in the last three years.
Bidenomics!
#wemustneverstopmockingher
Next up, in what is turning into a recurring series of stories about lefties “unexpectedly!” reaping what they sow, some educrats running a San Francisco elementary school got their hands on $250K of federal funds to improve their school’s performance.
Instead of consulting me on how to spend the money – I would start by purchasing a poop plow to clear a path to allow the children to get to the school’s front door every morning, and then firing and replacing every teacher who writes her pronouns on the board or has a hair color that’s not found in nature – they gave it to an organization called – I Schiff you not – “Woke Kindergarten.”
This brain trust got right to work, training teachers to “confront white supremacy” and “disrupt racism and oppression.”
Annnnndddd… the students’ previously terrible test scores and attendance managed to get even worse.
Unexpectedly!
And yes, the money they spent on that boondoggle were federal funds. Which means that you and I paid Woke Kindergarten to make an underperforming school worse.
Great.
In other news, we finally learned the identity of the ghost whom Joe Biden has been regularly shaking hands with after his public appearances: the deceased French president Francois Mitterand!
Ugh! It’s not bad enough that Brandon has surrounded himself with leftist hacks in his administration; even when he wants to talk to (other) dead people, he picks dead socialists!
If we could just find a way to get him to start talking to the ghost of Ronald Reagan, maybe there would be a slim chance that he’d be a less terrible president.
Speaking of terrible governance, Democrat Senator Chris Murphy (thanks, Connecticut!) committed a perfect political gaffe this week, i.e. he accidentally told the truth.
Luckily for him, not many people saw it, since he said it on the MSNBC show of Chris Hayes, whom I suspect is actually Rachel Maddow in whatever is the opposite of drag.
Chris/Rachel asked Murphy to comment on the collapse of the atrocious border bill, and Murphy admitted that “the Democrat strategy for 30 years… has failed for the people we care about most, the undocumented Americans that are in this country.”
Yikes!
In the annals of dishonest leftist verbiage – right up there with saying “pro choice” when they mean “pro abortion,” and “gender affirming” when they mean “gender denying” – the switch from “illegal aliens” to “undocumented” was a master stroke.
“Illegal” and “alien” are both accurate, and clear. “Undocumented” sounds like a guy left his wallet in his other pair of pants.
“Undocumented immigrants” at least admitted that the people in question are immigrants. “Undocumented Americans” is an outrageously blatant lie, and in a healthy political system, calling illegals “the people we care most about,” would be an act of political suicide.
But we don’t have a healthy political system anymore, so Chris Murphy won’t suffer any consequences for his self-damning, inadvertent honesty.
So I guess we’ll have to settle for at least knowing that he’s got Murphy’s Law named after him.
On an “all’s well that ends well” note, in the best-governed state in the nation – although Abbott’s performance on border issues is giving DeSantis some stiff competition for the best governor title – a career criminal with the colorful name of Sterling Alavache attempted to rob a bank. He took a hostage, claimed to have a bomb, and definitely had a knife – which he put to the hostage’s throat while holding him in a headlock and demanding cash.
If he tried this in a blue state, the mayor and governor would have offered him all the money in the bank, one free hostage stabbing, and a key to the city.
But he was in Florida. So the authorities decided to pound Sterling. (Boom! Unexpected British currency pun!)
A SWAT team was called, and when Sterling refused orders to drop the knife and let the hostage go, a SWAT sniper dropped him with one shot.
Rumors that Democrat Senator Chris Murphy then ran to the nearest camera in DC and said, “In a stunning act of reprehensible gun violence, the state of Florida has failed the people we care about most: armed, recidivist criminals!” have not been confirmed.
After another week of political ugliness in our country, let me leave you with an enjoyable, escapist YouTube page that I’ve been following for the last year or so. It belongs to Jonna Jinton, and features stunning video of the far northern Swedish landscape where she and her husband live.
As a Floridian who misses the snowy winters of his youth in Illinois, I can’t get enough of the gorgeous video of winter scenery, the adorable Swedish accents (don’t tell my Norwegian-descent wife, to whom the devious Swedes are not to be trusted), and perhaps best of all, an amazing Aussie-shepherd-looking dog named Nanook, who is the spitting image of Cassie the Wonder Dog.
If you’re interested, the episode called “Winter is Here/Life in the Swedish Woods” is a good one to introduce you to her site.
Have a great weekend, and don’t forget…
Hamas delenda est!
Martin Simpson 